THE MULTIVERSE — Uatu the Watcher, the immortal omniscient being who observes the Multiverse from afar, reportedly groaned after receiving a pop-up asking if he’s still watching the universe in which Iron Man gets really into ska music.
“It’s so condescending to get those. Like, I’m sorry, am I supposed to feel bad about the fact that I’m still watching this thing? Because I don’t — it’s totally fine to binge-watch a universe every now and then,” Uatu explained. “I don’t care that it’s garbage multiverses, I just like to zone out and watch a guy getting really into ska music, sometimes. I don’t know why they even have that as a feature. Don’t they know who I am? I’m Uatu the Watcher! These are my stories!”
According to those familiar with the situation, Uatu has been watching this particular universe for a couple of decades in a row.
“Ugh, Uatu loves that Tony Stark ska music universe,” said Uatu’s wife, Ulana the Watcher. “These things… one subtle change can lead to ripples outward that change the entire universe drastically. In this world, Tony Stark, a.k.a. Iron Man, gets really into ska music after watching that new Mighty Mighty Bosstones video about George Floyd. After a few months of listening exclusively to ska and playing hundreds of hours of Tony Hawk Pro Skater games, Stark comes up with the idea that the only real way to save the Earth from evil is to spread awareness by skanking in a viral video where the background keeps changing to different locations around the world. He stops being Iron Man, he stops building new tech, he stops training superheroes, and he stops guarding against galactic threats. Thanos succeeds in his quest to take over the world, aided by Spider-Man, who has no mentor figure — but after the Snap, the two have a falling out and begin a universe-wide civil war with the 50% of life that remains, destroying everything.”
“It’s pretty fucking boring, if you ask me,” Ulana added. “Personally, I much prefer the world in which Black Widow escapes her Russian family as a child and eventually ends up becoming a cast member on The Real World.”
At press time, the Tony Stark ska universe shut down after Uatu failed to press “Yes” because he had fallen asleep.
