Tucker Carlson Announces New Gig on Liberty City Radio

LIBERTY CITY — Following his abrupt departure from his hugely successful Fox News program, Tucker Carlson has announced he will do a new daily show on Liberty City’s WKTT Radio, beginning next week. 

“While on one hand, I’m certainly upset that the powers that be have decided to rip me from the warm embrace of my loving fans, I am very excited to lend my voice to this horrifyingly crime-filled city,” Carlson said. “Why are we allowing this city to hide under the cruel shadow of mafia don Salvatore Leone? What is going on? Is it the woke politicians letting them run rampant? Are we just going to let them get away with this? And if the answer is yes, then how can I get involved? What money does the Leone family have available for newly anointed radio hosts? These are the questions we have to answer now that I am forced to work here instead of Fox News.”

Liberty City residents praised the introduction of the new radio host to their city.

“I’m a big fan of Tucker [Carlson]’s, that’s great that he’s gonna be doing a show on terrestrial radio out here,” said local Liberty City citizen Warren Krause as he dragged a woman from her car and stole her Sedan. “I was worried he was going to end up on satellite radio or something, and not that many cars have that these days. It’s like 50/50. But WKTT is a great platform for him to get his message out there. Wait ‘til he sees all of the immigrants that flock to this city looking for their version of the American dream. He’s gonna hate it!” 

At press time, Carlson announced that his co-host would be the also recently fired Don Lemon.

Dead Island 2 Best Weapons Guide: Best Weapon Profiles

Dead Island 2 has a lot of different weapons to find, some dropped randomly by enemies and others found in locked safes. Each is categorized into one of eight specific weapon types or weapon profiles. Although they all provide their own benefits and it’s entirely up to the player to use what they find the most fun, some are more necessary than others. This is our list of the five best weapon types in Dead Island 2.

Maiming – Best Dead Island 2 Weapon Profiles

Maiming, one of the best weapon types in Dead Island 2.

A Maiming weapon is an absolute must for your inventory. True to their name, maiming zombies is a cinch with these thanks to the weapon profile bonus dealing critical hits to limbs. Stamina will also be regained whenever the limbs come flying off, meaning you can dish out more heavy swings.

Getting rid of a zombie’s limbs is a fantastic way to make them more manageable. This strategy works wonders with Runners as they lose their namesake quality when they’re missing legs. It works on the Apex zombies too since a Crusher isn’t as scary when you’ve lopped off one of their meaty arms. Maiming also becomes a more relevant mechanic starting with the latter half of the story, so it’s always beneficial to carry a weapon suited for it.

Some weapons that fall into this category include:

  • Axes
  • Cleavers
  • Mace
  • Machete
  • Shovel

Bulldozer – Best Dead Island 2 Weapon Types

Getting swarmed by a horde is a common occurrence in Hell-A and nothing is more useful in those situations than a Bulldozer weapon. Every Heavy Attack performed with these results in a critical hit and depletes a zombie’s stability more.

The primary use for these will be to clear out crowds and give you space, no matter if they’re naturally formed hordes or those summoned by a Screamer. You can send all nearby zombies to the floor with a few swings or even a well-placed throw. Aside from the crowds, the additional stability damage will place an Apex zombie in a vulnerable position quickly too.

Some weapons that fall into this category include:

  • Bats
  • Club
  • Large Hammers

Tactical Weapon Profile

Ranged weapons are some of the best weapons in Dead Island 2, as they have a huge impact once they’re introduced, and none are as adaptable as those with the Tactical profile. Blocking or dodging attacks will provide boosts to movement and reload speed as well as make every shot for the following few seconds a critical hit.

It should go without saying that the optimal way of using any ranged weapon is from afar. Although a Tactical weapon can certainly be used in that manner, it can be even more effective up-close thanks to its bonuses. Keep your aim steady and you can thin out a horde easily.

Some weapons that fall into this category include:

  • Assault Shotgun
  • Pistols

Best Dead Island 2 Weapons: Demolition

The Demolition weapon profile can be just as versatile as the Tactical profile but with a lot more power behind it. All shots made against a vulnerable zombie will be a critical hit and your toughness (defense) will be boosted while reloading.

Those looking for a bit more tanky play style will enjoy these. Shotguns are perfect against groups and revolvers can be used from a safer distance away. Either one will eviscerate normal zombies and bring any Apex zombies to their knees. Thanks to their high effectiveness against vulnerable enemies, they can also be brought out to finish what your other weapons have started.

Some weapons that fall into this category include:

  • Most Shotguns
  • Revolvers

Sharpshooter Weapon Profile

The Sharpshooter weapon profile, which hosts some of Dead Island 2's best weapons.

Rounding out the list of the best Dead Island 2 weapons is the one-of-a-kind Sharpshooter weapon profile. Long-range is the preference with damage increasing when aiming down sights and critical hits being awarded to any head or limb shots.

Whether you’re picking off zombies from afar or you just put a lot of space between yourself and a Crusher, a Sharpshooter is your best option for long-distance damage. The obvious caveats are that they’re not nearly as helpful at close range and that they have a slow fire rate, but they more than make up for it with their power.

Some weapons that fall into this category include:

  • Sporting Rifle
  • Peggy (Curtis’ Rifle)

If you want your inventory to be supported by the best weapon types in Dead Island 2, just remember to keep these in your inventory. Experimenting with everything is a part of the fun, though, and some weapons work better depending on your character, so make sure to check out our guide on which slayer to choose as well.

New Super Nintendo World Area Offers Authentic Mario Experience of Being Beaten to Death By Large Ape

OSAKA, Japan — In an announcement from Nintendo this morning, the game company officially opened a brand new area of the Mario-themed theme park Super Nintendo World in which visitors can have the authentic Mario experience of being beaten to death by a large ape. 

“We’re ecstatic to open this brand new Super Nintendo World pavilion, where finally park attendees can be mauled by a giant gorilla just like their favorite video game plumber,” said Super Nintendo World designer Kim Frembley. “After enjoying a delicious meal at Toad’s Cafe or racing their friends on the Mario Kart track, visitors can queue up to have their face just completely torn off by a gorilla we have trained to hate the sight of human flesh.”

Nintendo World Visitors have already taken to the new Mario pavilion. 

“The park is surprisingly accurate and thorough, all the coins everywhere, the giant warp pipes, the loose ape that ripped my cousin’s arms clean off killing him instantly,” said park attendee Eric Falmheim. “The new ape attraction is really cool, and though it’s crowded right now, if you go at the right time you can skip the line and go straight into the ape’s grappling range. It’s a bit pricey, definitely more expensive than just getting murdered by an ape at home, but hey, I’m on vacation.”

At press time, sources reported Nintendo would be implementing a similar Mario-themed attraction, letting park visitors slowly squish a turtle to death under their boot. 

Everything We Know So Far About SEGA Buying Rovio

SEGA surprised many last week by purchasing Finnish mobile game studio Rovio for 775 million dollars. What does this mean for the future of these two companies? Here’s everything we know so far:

Video game adaptations of hit films like Sonic the Hedgehog and The Angry Birds Movie 2 are expected soon 

SEGA has hinted that these popular cinematic characters might have a whole new world of adventure waiting for them on our home consoles! 

SEGA still wants to keep up with Nintendo 

Many believe that SEGA saw all of those terrible, money-grabbing, reputation-tarnishing mobile Mario games and wanted in on the action. 

Longtime SEGA fans have welcomed the additions to their group of beloved characters 

Google “(Your name) the pregnant angry bird” if you don’t believe us!

 

SEGA will be now able to develop games featuring Rovio IP 

An Angry Birds game will soon be available on the Sega Saturn for the first time, among other systems. 

SEGA is expected to make similar offers to other mobile gaming giants as well 

Rumors are circulating that SEGA offered to give the guy that made Flappy Bird 50 bucks. He’s reportedly preparing a counteroffer.

Movie Earns $120 Million Domestically, $362 Million Globally, and a Suspicious $7 Galactically

LOS ANGELES — Leaving astrophysicists scratching their heads, box office analyst Kevin Thurman, 27, found that a movie’s opening weekend had earned not only $120 million domestically and $362 million globally, but also a suspicious $7 from beyond the reaches of our cosmos.

“Alright guys, we’ve got some impressive domestic numbers, global sales are looking great too — wait a second, what’s this?” said Thurman, staring in disbelief as a mysterious number appeared on his screen. “Seven dollars from an extraterrestrial box office beyond our comprehension? This has to be some type of glitch…but no it seems legit. Well, I guess in some ways this is good news. We finally have a whole new market to cater to entirely. Let’s get those numbers up!”

After verifying the number is real and not resultant of a glitch, NASA president Bill Nelson held an impromptu press conference.

“Billions of dollars, and decades of research just to be beaten by some kid on Box Office Mojo!” exclaimed Nelson, tears streaming down his face. “This is unfair! I’ve dedicated my entire life to finding signs of extraterrestrial life, and he’s handed evidence on a silver platter? I can’t believe such a cruel world exists. But I won’t give up. Tomorrow, I am embarking on a solo cosmic mission to uncover the truth behind this phenomenon. Mark my words, the name Bill Nelson will be forever etched in history, and that Thurman kid will be forgotten.”

A cryptic message believed to have been sent by the extraterrestrial movie-goer has reportedly been deciphered by language expert, Mariam Bauer.

“When I first saw the message, I was flabbergasted,” said Bauer. “The symbols were unlike anything I had seen before. However, after extensive analysis of the syntax using cutting-edge translation software, I can confirm that I’ve successfully decoded the message whose celestial simplicity moved me to tears. It reads, ‘that movie sucked ass lol.’”

At press time, NASA was reportedly in conversation with actor Adam Sandler to reach a deal to make seven exclusive films to be sent to the extraterrestrial being.

Everything We Know About the Next Nintendo System

The Nintendo Switch turns six this year, and gamers are clamoring for information about the company’s follow-up, but Nintendo has remained predictably secretive about its next hardware. We’ve wrapped up what little confirmed information about the system is available below! 

We’ll likely be sued just for speculating about it

Honestly, by the time you’re done with this engaging and hilarious piece of content, Nintendo’s probably gonna have my ass in the clink. It’s been real.

They’re only taking their time because they haven’t had two consecutive successful console launches since the 90s.

That is what my Uncle told me

Luigi is holding out for more money, might pursue free agency

For the first time in years, Luigi and Nintendo have failed to come to terms on a new contract as the current one is set to expire. Heavily rumored favorites to land the coveted mascot include XBox, Monster Energy Drink, and The Olive Garden

Shigeru Miyamoto is making it himself, in his garage, like always

Nintendo is standing by and ready to mass produce the new console as soon as Miyamoto reveals his latest design. Sometimes this process takes months, sometimes years. Once, he took too much cold medicine and came up with the Virtual Boy

You will definitely be able to buy Super Mario World on it

Honestly, can’t wait!

Pokémon

Pokémon will be on there. Not bad, huh?

 

It MIGHT be in HD

While heavily rumored, it’s still far too early to say for sure on this one. 

Will have the smallest physical games yet

Nintendo is continuing its baffling insistence on this trend, and believes it can get the size of the Switch successor’s cartridges down so far as to not be seen by the naked eye. Another classic Nintendo innovation!

Everything We Know About The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Breath of the Wild 2, or as Nintendo insists on calling it, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, is set to take the gaming world by storm. But what if you can’t wait until the game comes out next month to learn all of its secrets? What if you need those secrets RIGHT NOW? Well here’s every single thing we know about The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.

How many collectibles will the game have?

Three.

How much will the game cost?

About 230 hours of your precious life.

Will Ganondorf be in the game?

Nintendo has continued their partnership with the dark lord of Hyrule despite recent controversy with his Tweets about Gerudo masculinity.

Is it a direct sequel?

Nintendo has confirmed the game will pick up exactly where Call of Duty Black Ops left off.

What is the game about?

Sexy elf boy make the bad guys go bye-bye.

What peripherals does the game support?

Tears of the Kingdom will be best played with a bong and a two-liter of cherry Pepsi.

Will Kevin Hart be in the game?

No. Kind of weird we even need to confirm this.

How does the game reflect modern gaming trends?

By ripping off Breath of the Wild

When will the game be released?

Right when you’re at your brokest.

Man Goes on Fishing Minigame With His Son

SEASIDE TOWN — Local man Tarik Morgbrine reportedly went on a fishing minigame with his son Gnosh, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We’ve all got main quests and side quests in this life, but sometimes it’s important to put all those aside and spend some time doing a little fishing minigame with your boy,” Morgbrine explained. “This crucial bonding time helps increase our support levels, which in turn, gives me more points in charisma and boosts any magical items I use in combat. Also it’s probably good for my son’s progression too. Plus, fishing is fun!”

According to close sources, Gnosh Morgbine also enjoys the bonding time with his father.

“I can sometimes tell that he’s just trying to increase certain stats or cook a fish to win in a contest or something, but it’s nice to spend time with my father,” the younger Morgbine said. “I just wish fishing was easier. People always talk about how it’s a nice relaxing time to hang out on a boat or a shore and chat while having an ale, but I find fishing super stressful. There’s all these meters and red areas and green areas you have to reel at the right second… it’s like a whole thing. But it’s nice to see the word EXCELLENT pop up when I do a good job. It’s very validating.”

At press time, Morgbrine left his son to go off killing low level goblins in the woods for several months without telling anyone.

Dead Island 2 Curtis’ Valuables Safe Guide: How to Open the Safe

Every location in Dead Island 2 has locked away secrets and quite a few will be tantalizing players within the starting area of Bel-Air. One in particular that will be found early on is a safe in Curtis Sinclair’s house. We’ve got you covered with where to find Curtis’ Safe Key and what’s inside Curtis’ Valuables safe itself.

Where is Curtis’ Valuables Safe?

If you’ve come across Curtis’ Valuable Safe in Dead Island 2 before, it should be marked with a lockbox icon over Curtis’ house. We highly recommend setting a waypoint to it, either through the map itself or by using Alexa Game Control. It’s alright if you haven’t, though, since the house isn’t too big anyway.

The safe can be found in a small wine cellar on the right side of his house. Whether you enter through the back right or right side entrances, it only takes a few steps forward before finding it. If you enter through the front door, all you need to remember is to hang left and you’ll see it in no time.

Where is Curtis’ Safe Key in Dead Island 2?

Not unlike other locked safes, there’s a good chance you will find the safe early on as you comb through Bel-Air with your Dead Island 2 character of choice. Unfortunately, Curtis doesn’t have the key and the person-turned-zombie that does won’t be spawning for a while.

The first requisite to open Curtis’ Safe in Dead Island 2 is to have completed The Death of The Party side quest that introduces you to Curtis and allows you access to his house. This side quest is the first you can complete and becomes available the first time you leave Emma Jaunt’s home. The second requisite is to have completed the Justifiable Zombicide main quest which marks the first time you fight a Screamer Apex zombie.

After you’ve completed these two quests, return to his home and head through his backyard. This area has become a hot spot for Screamers so it’s best to kill them quickly before they can summon and enrage other zombies into attacking you. Fight your way through until you reach the separate building on the left side. The location can be seen on the map image above while in-game it will have a small “Guest Restrooms” sign in front of it.

Defeat Crystal the Lawyer to get Dead Island 2's Curtis Safe Key.

Waiting inside is a special Screamer called Crystal the Lawyer. She’s not as strong as the boss from the Justifiable Zombicide quest, but she still has more health than a typical Screamer and that means she’ll have more opportunities to send your zombies your way.

There isn’t a lot of room inside the building, so try to lure her outside. It’s worth noting that the nearby heaters are explosive and make for great traps. Otherwise, do your absolute best to keep her from screaming. Most curveballs will stun her out of the animation if you see it about to happen.

This fight can become increasingly hectic if you don’t kill her fast. Aside from worrying about her bringing in zombies, this area is still a hotspot for Screamers and they can spawn in the area as you’re fighting. Two of them mean a potentially much bigger horde to fight which might even include other Apex zombies. Considering using any and all firearms you have to quickly put her down. If you’ve progressed a bit further and have unlocked Fury Mode, you can use that to make short work of everything.

She’ll drop Curtis’ Safe Key once you’ve slayed her. Return back to the safe and open it to find a Tactical Heavy Revolver. Although it will match your player level, it’s sure to pack a punch no matter what.

Follow these tips and you’ll have found Curtis’ Safe Key in Dead Island 2 and opened his safe in no time. If the location of any other keys in Dead Island 2 has you stumped, check out our guides on finding Coach’s Car Keys and the Military Supplies Key.

Dead Island 2 Military Supplies Case & Key Guide: Where to Find

A zombie outbreak is bound to leave a lot of locked stuff behind and Dead Island 2 uses that as a basis for hiding special loot. Finding the necessary keys can be tricky for some, but a few are certainly on the easier side. This guide will cover where to find the Military Supplies Key in Dead Island 2 and open up the Militaries Supplies Case.

Where is the Military Supplies Case?

Where to find the Dead Island 2 Military Supplies Case.

When you first enter the Halperin Hotel location, there’s a good chance you’ll come across the locked yellow Military Supplies Case. It’ll be on the right side and located in the bed of a military truck. If you happened to miss it entirely, the location can be seen in the image above. It’s on the north side of Lacuna Av and close to both a workbench and the zone exit leading back to Bel-Air.

Where is the Military Supplies Key in Dead Island 2?

Defeat the Drill Sergeant in Dead Island 2 to open the Military Supplies Case.

Similar to Coach’s Car Trunk, the zombie with the necessary key won’t spawn until you progress further into the story. Ignore the case for now and venture into the hotel. Finish all of the quest objectives in there, including the Becki the Bride boss fight that introduces you to the Crusher Apex zombie. On your way back out you’ll find that Crushers are now spawning into the overworld and one special version named Drill Sergeant will appear in the middle of Lacuna Av.

You’ll need to kill this particular zombie to get what you need. They’re not as strong as the boss fight you just went through and the attacks are exactly the same, but the group of zombies that join in on the fight can be a nuisance.

No matter which Dead Island 2 character you decided was best, using the environment is always a great strategy and that factors in here. We suggest guiding them over to the southernmost blue pipe that’s shooting water out from the middle of the street. A nearby generator in a truck will have its wire exposed and by turning it on, you’ll have a nice little electric pool trap. Dance around this and they’ll mindlessly walk through it, slowly whittling their health away.

Another tip is to make use of the Chem Bomb curveball you recently found. Not only can throwing it at a zombie stun it for a few seconds, but electricity will also route through it. Throw it next to the electric pool and you’ll make it nearly twice as big.

Otherwise, treat this as you would any other Crusher. Avoid their powerful swings and get in as many swings as you can between them. Try to not kill them in the middle of the electric water though or it may hurt a bit when you go to grab their dropped Military Supplies Key.

Head over to the Military Supplies Case and open it to reveal the unique Guarding Military Knife. It’ll pack a lot of power and just like the RNG weapons you find, it’ll match your current player level. Use the nearby workbench if you want to enhance it even further.

That covers where to find the Dead Island 2 Military Supplies Key. Feel free to check out our other Dead Island 2 guides where we’ve covered topics such as how to use fast travel and how to activate fuseboxes.

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