Pokémon Learning How to Tie Shoes Forgets How to Walk

CANALAVE CITY, Sinnoh — A local Pokémon has forgotten how to walk after its trainer taught it how to tie its own shoes, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“When I caught Mr. Mime, he knew how to eat, walk, breathe, and use the bathroom — all the basics,” said Casey McKean, 10, who has been a Pokémon trainer for less than a year. “I figured it was time for him to get out of those slip-ons and start wearing real shoes. There was no TM for tying laces, so I sat with him all day until he got the hang of it. When he couldn’t get up afterward, I figured he was just too tired from practicing making loop-de-loops. It’s been a couple of days, though, and he still can’t walk. I think he might have forgotten how to do it in order to make room for the double knot.”

Joy, a nurse at the Jubilife City Pokémon Center, lamented the scores of trainers who recklessly teach their Pokémon new skills without considering the consequences.

“Forgetting how to walk isn’t great, but at least it’s not life threatening,” said Joy, whose family has practiced Pokémon medicine for generations. “Even when a Pokémon learns something new and forgets how to eat, we can administer intravenous fluids and nutrients as we figure out what long term therapy strategies might be most appropriate. There are far worse outcomes, though. Just last week, we had a tragic case where a trainer taught her Meowth how to whistle and it forgot how to breathe. By the time she realized what was going on and brought her Pokémon to us, it was too late.”

Professor Kukui, a researcher from Alola and an authority on how Pokémon learn new moves and skills, says that tragedies such as this are entirely avoidable.

“New research out of Paldea has opened the door for Pokémon to instantly relearn old skills,” said Kukui. “That trainer from Sinnoh whose Mr. Mime forgot how to walk could easily re-enable that skill and continue on his journey. The two of them could walk together all day, then the trainer would just have to remind the Pokémon how to sleep right before bedtime. It’s a snap! Woo!”

At press time, sources shared that Casey had followed Kukui’s advice and re-taught Mr. Mime how to walk. The Mr. Mime, however, was completely useless in battle when it started tying its shoes while McKean desperately tried to get it to use Psybeam.

Sega of America Is Unionizing After Revelation That Employees Were Exposed to Lethally Toxic Levels of Sonic Yaoi

IRVINE, Calif. — Employees at Sega of America are unionizing following a revelation that they were exposed to a lethal amount of Sonic yaoi, according to those close to the information.

“For too long we have let capitalism rear its ugly head, forcing workers into unsafe situations out of fear of losing their paycheck and being unable to provide for their families. It is time we use the power of labor to fight back and ensure that no one has to see drawings of Tails, pregnant, being hugged from behind by Knuckles,” said union president Davina Hansen. “Obviously, at a workplace like this, we aren’t saying that no one should ever be exposed to, for example, sexy drawings of Big the Cat. There are risks in this line of work. But we will not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. Shrek isn’t even a Sega character; he does not need to be in love with Shadow the Hedgehog.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the final turning point that helped the workers win the vote needed in order to unionize involved an employee who reached a lethal level of Sonic yaoi due to, allegedly, malicious activity from the company.

“I got home to work one day and immediately triggered the toxicity alarms. So they scrubbed me down and inspected my home, discovering it was filled to the brim with Sonic yaoi,” said Sega of America programmer Karen Smoothgrove. “I ask you this: how did that yaoi get there? I mean we’re talkin’ drawings of Sonic porking Tails everywhere. Stuffed in my mattress, in the walls of the house, all over the bathroom. I’ll tell you what: I think those fuckers planted it there. They knew I was looking to expose them and they wanted me fucking dead. Well it’s time to fight back!”

At press time, several Sega of America employees were hospitalized after googling their name and “the hedgehog” after it.

Comic Book Fan Marvels at Idea of Seeing Batman on the Big Screen

NEW YORK — The promise of a future Batman film has local comic book fan Mathew Pitt marveling at the idea of seeing the caped crusader on the big screen, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Wow, to imagine seeing Batman in a movie. Sitting down in the theater, the aroma of buttered popcorn in the air, surrounded by fellow buzzing comic book fans… just the idea of it excites me! That’s how we know nerds have finally arrived,” Pitt said, fantasizing about seeing Bruce Wayne, and his alter-ego Batman — the crime-fighting billionaire — in a movie theater. “When I saw the news that they’re finally making a Batman movie, it just filled me with joy and excitement. What will it be like? I hope Batman’s famous arch-enemy The Joker is in it. Wow, a Batman movie! What an exciting time to be alive.”

Despite Pitt’s enthusiasm for the upcoming film, others are less excited.

“I truly do not get it. There’s been like fifty Batman movies. Why is he like this?” asked Pitt’s sister Tori Wright. “Every single time they announce a new Batman movie, he gets all excited for it and acts like it’s the first time there’s ever been a ‘win’ for nerds like him. Then he gets way too overhyped, goes to see the movie opening night, and hates it. Then he complains about how they ruined his favorite character, they got everything all wrong, etc. for like a full year until they announce, what inevitably always comes, the next Batman movie. Its so fucking annoying.”

Those working on the upcoming Batman film matched Pitt’s emotions, however.

“It’s such an honor to get to don the cowl. I just hope I get the character right, especially knowing that all these fans are counting on me. Now that they’re finally letting someone play Batman on the big screen, I have just one shot to get it right,” said Bruce Wayne actor Robert Pattinson, who already portrayed the character in the film The Batman in 2022. “Batman is such an interesting character, really. I know a lot of people see him as just some nerdy thing, but he actually has a lot of depth. Because he’s really messed up — he’s rich, of course, but actually his parents died too. So he’s very sad. I think he’s a character who is really going to resonate with a lot of people, even more casual moviegoers.”

At press time, despite filming being completed, Warner Bros decided to shelve the film indefinitely after realizing it included a reference to Batgirl that couldn’t be edited around.

Rockstar Confirms GTA 6 Will Let Players Live the Maniacal Crime Sprees of Rockstar Executives

NEW YORK — Rockstar Games has confirmed they are working on Grand Theft Auto 6 and that the game will follow the life of a Rockstar executive.

“Grand Theft Auto games have always been about letting players live out the fantasy of being an insane criminal, facing few repercussions for their character’s violence, chaos, and depravity. That’s why we wanted to kick things up a notch for this new game and let players walk a mile in the shoes of an executive working at Rockstar,” the company explained in a blog post today. “From labor law violations to verbal abuse to sexual harassment, this game lets you do virtually anything to your employees that we did in real life, making it one of the most intense gaming experiences ever.”

Longtime fans of the series are tentatively excited about the new direction.

“A little on-the-nose even for these guys,” said one fan. “Couldn’t they have at least called it Blockstar Games or Popstar Games or something like that? That would have helped me feel a little better about what I was getting into.”

“It feels bad to know I’m doing this to, like, real people kind of,” said another. “In the old games, when I ripped an old lady out of her car, shot her in the head, and drove away, crashing my car in the water after falling off a bridge, I didn’t have to think about the real people who that probably happened to. I’m still gonna get the game, of course, but damn.”

“As an Australian, I like the GTA games because it gives me a sense of what it’s like to live in America,” said a third fan. “Violence in the streets was cool, sure, but it was played out. I’m so excited to live the quintessential American experience of bringing a gun to my workplace!”

As of press time, no Grand Theft Auto 6 developers were available to comment due to crunching on the game, but many asked to deliver messages to their families that they had not seen in months.

Honkai Star Rail Release Time: What Time Can You Play?

Honkai: Star Rail, the newest game from Hoyoverse, the developers of Genshin Impact, has a release time & date, and it’s soon. In less than 24 hours from this piece’s publication, players will be able to begin their adventure in this new RPG. This game will feature both brand new characters and alternate versions of characters that will be familiar to players of Honkai Impact 3rd. If that sounds appealing to you, read on to find out when you can play Honkai Star Rail.

Honkai Star Rail Release Time: When Can You Play Honkai Star Rail?

Honkai: Star Rail will be available on April 25 for North & South America, and April 26 for much of the rest of the world. Here are a few specific time zones and when Honkai Star Rail‘s release time is for each of them:

  • Pacific Time – Tuesday, April 25 at 7 PM
  • Mountain Time – Tuesday, April 25 at 8 PM
  • Central Time –  Tuesday, April 25 at 9 PM
  • Eastern Time – Tuesday, April 25 at 10 PM
  • UK – Wednesday, April 26 at 1 AM
  • Japan – Wednesday, April 26 at 9 AM

To be really prepared for launch, you can go ahead and preload the game. On PC, you can do this through the official Honkai: Star Rail website, or through your mobile device’s storefront on either iOS or Android.

That’s all you need to know about the release time of Honkai: Star Rail! The release time is just around the corner, so you and the game’s millions of players don’t have much longer to wait before jumping into this new RPG from Hoyoverse for yourselves. 

Looking to play a less gacha-oriented RPG? Check out the Xenoblade Chronicles 3 Future Redeemed release time to find out when you can play the latest content from the Xenoblade franchise!

Hollywood Pledges to Ruin Video Game Movies by 2028

LOS ANGELES — Following the record setting box office grosses of The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Hollywood has vowed to completely ruin the whole video game movie thing within the next five years. 

“Following Mario’s success, we think the message from audiences is clear here,” said Albert Cartwright, an executive at Universal Pictures. “Please keep making movies out of any video game you can get your hands on, and don’t ever stop, because this is exactly what we want. It’s hard to miss, honestly. It’s just like when The Dark Knight and Iron Man dropped in 2008 and everyone pleaded with us to do nothing but superhero movies for the next 15 years.” 

“Here we go!” he yelled, appearing to do an impression of Mario, but not giving the voice much of an effort. 

Many gamers fear that the success of the flagship Nintendo character’s animated debut have given movie studios the wrong impressions. 

“I like Mario, and I enjoyed the Mario movie,” said Joe Doty, a local gamer. “But that doesn’t mean I need to see every video game I’ve ever played turned into a movie over the next few years. It was already getting bad. The Last of Us made sure that there will be a ‘serious game’ adaptation pipeline over the next few years. Now after Mario, we’re just gonna get everything else turned into a movie, aren’t we?” 

“Oh god, I just realized Mark Hamill’s gonna be playing Spryo or Crash Bandicoot in the next few years,” he added. “There’s no way that doesn’t happen.” 

As of press time, it was announced that James Wan would be directing an adaptation of sci-fi/horror game Dead Space, joining other upcoming video game adaptations such as Borderlands, Sonic the Hedgehog 3, Detective Pikachu 2, Silent Hill, Gran Turismo, Minecraft, Beyond Good & Evil, Death Stranding, The Division, Firewatch, Sniper Elite, Duke Nukem, Just Cause, Mega Man, Metal Gear Solid, Metro 2023, Gears of War, Streets of Rage, Dragon’s Lair, Mortal Kombat 2, Ark: Survival Evolved, Five Nights At Freddy’s, Sleeping Dogs, Portal, Space Invaders, BioShock, Just Dance, Ghost of Tsushima, Call of Duty, Tomb Raider, Days Gone, Pac-Man, Yakuza, It Takes Two, Sifu, and fucking Pac-Man.

Poignant Video Essay Discredited by YouTuber’s Super Annoying Voice

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A poignant video essay uploaded to YouTube had all of its information and arguments discredited by the fact that the YouTuber who posted it had a super annoying voice, sources confirmed.

Turner Hayward, who runs the YouTube channel GamerForHire, recently posted an 18-minute video essay entitled “The Last of Us and the Gateway to Gaming for Normies,” in which he attempts to argue that the hit HBO show could be an entry point for non-gamers to discover new and compelling stories in other video games. Though the video was intensely researched, well-written, and included several compelling talking points, the validity of his content has been rendered moot due to the fact that his voice was just really aggravating to listen to.

“I really tried to watch it and see what he was talking about, but I could barely stand to listen to his voice for even a minute,” YouTuber ClinicalImpression commented. “Like, he sounds nasally but gravelly at the same time? And I think he had an accent that I couldn’t place and it was bugging me the whole time I tried to watch. So I just decided he was wrong about everything.”

Despite excuses, voice director Angela Cador confirmed that the quality of Hayward’s voice had nothing to do with his recording equipment.

“Usually in cases like this, you’d think he was too close to the mic or his sound quality just got garbled at some point,” Cador suggested in an email. “But no. It sounds like he’s using decent recording equipment and there’s not much external noise coming through. His voice is just that aggravating to the ears. How could he stand to hear himself talk?”

As of press time, Hayward is currently contesting an Apple Music ban in which his podcast recordings have reportedly violated listener safety.

10 Characters That HAVE to Be in the Next Smash Bros. Game

Super Smash Bros Even More Ultimate is certainly on the horizon once Nintendo realizes they should start getting to work on it. But you can’t just throw together the old characters together and call it a day. Here’s 10 characters that absolutely HAVE to be in the next game no matter what.

Spongebob

Spongebob is already in the Nickelodeon Smash Bros game, so it would be really easy to just pay those guys $10 or whatever it costs to add him to Smash Bros.

Mario

He’ll probably be there, but c’mon. For good reason.

My Dead Wife Sarah 

Her memory deserves to live on, and not just as a spirit or an alt costume

Master Foot

For too long, Master Hand and Crazy Hand have dominated Smash Bros. If they put Master Foot in the game, it would break all sales records forever.

My Dad and My Bully’s Dad

When I was a kid, I told my bully that my dad could beat up his dad. Well it’s time to finally put that to the test and see which of our dads has better special moves, aerials, landing lag, and more.

Family Guy

Smash Bros fans have been begging for Sakurai to add the character Family Guy to the game since the N64 version came out. It’s time for Family Guy to say his famous catch phrase “Holy Crap!” while battling it out with Captain Falcon and such.

Alear From Fire Emblem: Engage

Smash Bros isn’t complete if it doesn’t include the protagonist of the new Fire Emblem. I am calling on all Smash Bros fans to boycott Nintendo forever if Alear isn’t in the new game. We will end this fucking company.

Yukio Mishima

I don’t know much about this guy, but it’s always good to have some Japanese characters in the game, considering that’s where they make it.

Mii Fighter

Everyone agrees that Mii Fighter is the most iconic character from the Smash Bros. series. If they get rid of every single other character in the game, that would be OK, so long as they keep Mii Fighter around.

Mark Roebuck

Hard Drive Head Writer Mark Roebuck would be a terrific addition to the Smash Bros formula.

Xenoblade Chronicles 3: Future Redeemed Release Time & Date

The highly awaited story expansion of Xenoblade Chronicles 3, titled Future Redeemed, has many fans wondering about its release time. Shulk, Rex, and plenty of new characters join together to obtain the future they want! The expansion is set to release on April 25, or April 26 depending on which region you are in. With the date approaching quickly, just when does this DLC unlock? We’ve got you covered with the exact time of this new Xenoblade Chronicles 3 DLC release.

When Does Xenoblade 3: Future Redeemed Release? (Release Time)

Following previous Xenoblade Chronicles 3 DLC drops, it is expected that Future Redeemed release time will be on Tuesday, April 25, at 6 PM PT in the United States. The following times are just exactly when you can expect the brand-new story to be available:

  • Pacific Time – Tuesday, April 25 @ 6 PM PT
  • Mountain Time – Tuesday, April 25 @ 7 PM MT
  • Central Time – Tuesday, April 25 @ 8 PM CT
  • Eastern Time – Tuesday, April 25 @ 9 PM ET
  • UK – Wednesday, April 26 @ 2 AM BST
  • Japan – Wednesday, April 26 @ 10 AM JST

At these times, the downloadable content will be playable. If you have purchased the Xenoblade Chronicles 3 Expansion Pass, you can already preload Future Redeemed to your Nintendo Switch system.

What Is Xenoblade Chronicles 3: Future Redeemed?

Xenoblade Chronicles 3: Future Redeemed is the story expansion, or Wave 4, of the Expansion Pass. Familiar faces and places are present, with Shulk, Rex, and Prison Island each making appearances. The story is set prior to the events of the main game. This expansion will serve as the closing chapter of the Xenoblade trilogy, or simply put, the events that were put into motion by Klaus. This doesn’t, however, necessarily mark the end of the Xenoblade Chronicles series.

Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster Font Guide: How to Change the Font

The Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster Series is finally available across Nintendo Switch and PlayStation 4! These remasters cover Final Fantasy I all the way through Final Fantasy VI, featuring remastered art, music, and new boost options. While the remasters were originally released on PC and mobile devices last year, they were met with dissatisfaction from fans surrounding the font. For the console versions, this has been fixed and you are now able to change to a much better “pixel” font!

How to Change the Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster Font

When you load up the games, Square Enix has opted to keep the old font as the standard option. If you don’t change it to the new one, you’ll be stuck with this one throughout each of the games! Here is exactly how you can switch to the brand-new Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster font:

  • Select Options to head into the menu.
  • Select Configuration.
  • Here, you’ll need to drop down to “Font Style”.
  • Finally, switch the style to “Classic”, which is the pixel font new to the console releases.

That’s it! It really is easy to switch fonts in the Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster games and recreate the iconic experiences that defined the NES and SNES eras. If you’re not a fan of the pixelated look, there’s always the option to keep it at “Modernized”! You can always head back to the settings following the steps above to change between the two at any point during your playthrough. These steps also hold true for all six of the games, so regardless of which Pixel Remaster you boot up, just head to the Configuration menu to change the font.

How to Change the Font on PC & Mobile

Unfortunately, as of the time of writing, there is no way to change the font on the PC & mobile versions of the Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster Series. Early adopters of these games unfortunately have no choice but to stick it out with the original, uglier font, or buy one of the new console versions.

The Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster Series is available now across Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, PC via Steam, and iOS/Android.

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