Diablo 4 Baleful Fragment Guide: How to Get the Material in D4

If you want to upgrade your legendary gear in Diablo 4, Baleful Fragment is a key component you’ll need. As you get further in the game, you’ll want to begin upgrading your gear instead of selling and consistently getting new gear. This depends a bit on your progress in the campaign, as you will likely get your first legendary gear by getting specific legendary items from story quests. 

After these initial story gear drops, though, you will also likely be high enough level (Level 25, to be exact) to begin getting random legendary weapons to drop as well. Once you start holding onto these, to make the most of this gear, you’re going to need plenty of that crafting material. Here’s the best ways to get Baleful Fragments in Diablo 4.

Where Do You Get Baleful Fragments in Diablo 4?

How to get a Baleful Fragment in Diablo 4.

The surefire way to get the Baleful Fragment material in Diablo 4 is to salvage legendary weapons, shields, or other offhand items, like a focus. It may be hard to get rid of some of your favorite pieces of gear, but you’re going to need to choose favorites to get your weapons’ true potential. As you begin progressing more in both stories and as you begin to level up in D4, though, this new rarity of gear will be more common, meaning you’ll be able to give up more to improve your best.

In addition to upgrading legendary weapons, you can also use Baleful Fragments to imprint aspects in Diablo 4. If you’re looking to improve your already great rare weapons, this is a much better use of this incredibly valuable crafting material. No matter what you decide to use this material on, it’s an incredibly valuable inventory item for every player.

That’s all you need to know about getting your hands on Baleful Fragments! While you’re here, check out our other helpful Diablo IV guides to learn the best early skills and whether you should sell or salvage your weapons & armor.

Everything We Know About the New Coke for Gamers

Holy shit, gamers, there’s finally a drink that’s just for you! Coca Cola has teamed up with League of Legends to create a soda that’s just for gamers, and here’s everything we know about it.

They are filled with Jim Ryan’s piss

Don’t worry, there’s also a Zero Sugar version

It just won the Game Award for “sexiest beverage”

Ending water’s 20 year reign, we have a new king of drinks!

It’s “Code Red” at the Mtn Dew factories

Mtn Dew is doing everything in their power to make even more soda for gamers

Instead of names along the side, they have racial slurs

This is really fucked up, but you have to commend Coca Cola’s commitment to making a true gamer beverage

Double XP weekends have never been easier

You can buy two cans at once and legally no one can stop you (if you can prove you’re a gamer)

Dark Souls

Have you ever played the game Dark Souls? It’s really hard, which means it’s good

You can level up by drinking it

With enough cans of Coke consumed, soon your Type 1 Diabetes can level up to Type 2

It’s very healthy to drink

For legal reasons, we have to specify that we mean it will be healthy for society once all the gamers die out

Drinking it will NOT make you a gamer

Only hard work, dedication, and a hatred for anyone who doesn’t look exactly like you can do that.

It will have no impact on the release date of Silksong

Sorry

Letterboxd User Tries Not to Let Handjob in Theater Influence Review

MILWAUKEE — Doing his best to set aside any biases, local Letterboxd user MrPizza22 reportedly tried not to let the handjob he received in the theater during Fast X affect the integrity of his Letterboxd review of the film.

“Would you say eating popcorn and sipping soda influences your opinion of a movie? That’s what I thought,” said MrPizza22. “As film critics — and by that I mean Letterboxd users — we have a moral duty to serve our [4] followers. They rely on us to know whether a movie is good or bad, and I would never in a million years let the fact that I literally came inside of an empty soda cup after my girlfriend jacked me off betray my opinion of the movie. When I say Fast X made me deeply aroused, I truly mean it was just the film.”

Despite this, MrPizza22’s review was astoundingly popular, considering his dislike of every single other movie in the series.

“I did not expect this movie to evoke such a profound sense of pleasure out of me,” read MrPizza22’s review of Fast X. “I was gripped from the very beginning. The rhythmic pacing worked along with the pulsating soundtrack to create a tension that was delightful yet maddening, and really kept me on the edge of my seat. If there was one word I could describe Fast X with, it would be ‘ejaculation.’ Definitely the best theater-going experience I’ve had in years!”

Letterboxd Co-Founder Matthew Buchanan addressed the recent rise in seemingly biased reviews.

“There’s no right way to watch a movie,” said Buchanan. “But we heard your voices and we listened, which is why we’re proud to announce a brand new feature coming to Letterboxd, the ‘Received Handjob’ button. Users will now be required to indicate whether or not they received a handjob during every movie they review, so their biases are clear up front.”

At press time, the user who gave the handjob, wandering_Walrus, also wrote a review for the movie, which simply reads “that shit sucked.”

Disney Informs Horrified Jeff Bridges That He’s Being Remade

BURBANK, Calif. — Legendary actor Jeff Bridges was horrified recently when Disney executives informed him of their plans to remake him, sources have confirmed. 

“Mr. Bridges was sadly not very receptive to our plans,” said Robert Iger, CEO of Disney, shortly after meeting with the Academy Award winner. “However, we reminded him that we are contractually within our rights to go ahead with the project even without his blessing. We disagree with his assertion that this live action remake is distasteful to the original, and are excited about bringing Jeff Bridges to a whole new generation! We’re also fairly certain Jeff will live through the procedure as well. Which is great news!” 

While the announcement was met with backlash, most also confessed to being curious to see how the remake of Jeff Bridges turns out. 

“I mean, I’ll at least check it out,” said local moviegoer Trevor Benton. “I understand that some people are gonna be pissed off about this, but like, the old one is still there if that’s what you prefer. Let’s just all give this new [Jeff Bridges] a chance, you know? And I mean hey, at least Disney’s not then butchering another animated classic of theirs this time.” 

The star of True Grit, The Big Lebowski, and Crazy Heart, however, was skeptical about the nature of the project. 

“I don’t consent to any part of this,” said the 73-year-old Bridges. “At first I thought you meant you were gonna make a young version of me in a movie or something like Tron, but this is a whole other version of me you wanna create, like Starman. I don’t like it one bit, and now the new version of me keeps getting offers I thought were gonna come to me. I’ll be damned.” 

As of press time, the remade Jeff Bridges had broken free of its chains and was terrorizing New York City as authorities tried to bring it down.

Report: Tears of the Kingdom Fixes Joy-Con Drift by Letting You Attach Other New Objects to Your Joy-Cons

KYOTO, Japan Hot on the heels of the positive response to The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, Nintendo confirmed that the game’s latest update will introduce a bold, new, fittingly innovative solution to Joy-Con drift.

“Originally, we added Joy-Con durability as a way to encourage players to experiment with more kinds of Joy-Cons instead of hoarding their favorite ones,” said Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa. “But you have all been such little crybabies about it, and we hear you. We understand it can be expensive. That’s why we at Nintendo are proud to announce a new fix: Our latest patch for Tears of the Kingdom will let you use the Fuse ability to repair your own Joy-Cons, at no additional charge. You just stick whatever else you want to them — and this will activate surprising new effects.”

“For instance, fusing two Joy-Cons together will improve both their durability and their battery life,” he said. Furukawa added that the R&D team has been hard at work, using duct tape and super glue to investigate what other exciting effects they can uncover. “While we want players to experiment and find their own combinations, some possible combos include Joy-Con and Soup Ladle, which provides greater control over your analog sticks if your controller is greasy, as well as Joy-Con and Amiibo, which fixes drift, but specifically for the character you attached.”

Nintendo fans are ecstatic about the new feature. 

“This has changed everything,” said popular Zelda speedrunner Max_WindFish. “I just fused my Joy-Con with an Uno ‘reverse’ card, and it fixed my old controller by making the stick drift in the opposite direction. The effects just cancel each other out! Nintendo continues to amaze with how many solutions there are to any potential problem.”

Not everyone has loved the change, however. Max_WindFish’s wife Kate, for instance, had many complaints about her husband’s newfound technological ability.

“On the one hand, I can finally climb Death Mountain without Link strolling off the edge,” said Kate. “But on the other, I don’t have a fucking steering wheel. Max insists that sticking it to the Joy-Con saved us a few bucks on the official Mario Kart controller. This morning, he stuck the whole PlayStation 5 to the Switch. He’s currently playing the game at 99,99,999 FPS, but this is getting insane. If things don’t get better, I’m gonna fuse his ass to a Joy-Con and throw him in the trash.”

At press time, Nintendo also teased a new ability that would let gamers automatically slide through their ceilings into their upstairs neighbors’ apartments, but were working out the legality of it.

Problematic Smash Bros Player Deplatformed

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Notorious professional Smash Bros. player ProfessorFukHead, has finally been knocked off his social media accounts after years of complaints.

“As a community built around Super Smash Bros., we understand how difficult it can be to be removed from platforms,” said Twitch representative Tammy Hicks. “But ProfessorFukHead’s behavior has gotten so bad that we felt it became absolutely necessary to grab him, back-throw him off Twitch, and spike him into oblivion. He may try to piggyback onto his more successful friends and return to the scene one day, but we will do whatever we can to prevent him from share-stocking.”

Players around the community praised the decision from Twitch.

“It makes sense he’s a Wario main because that’s exactly how he acts in real life,” explained fellow competitor JennieCa$h, a top-ranked Pikachu player. “It’s just these constant rapid little weak attacks on everyone around him that grind you down, and then BLAM, he farts all over you. That last part isn’t a metaphor — he literally got caught farting on people. I have such a goddamn love/hate relationship with this community, let me tell you.”

Since getting permabanned, ProfessorFukHead has tried to make a quick comeback by pivoting to speedrunning Mario 64 on YouTube, starting flame wars on Twitter, and being friends with ZeRo.

Street Fighter 6 Wall Jump Guide: How to Wall Jump in SF6

Movement is incredibly important in any fighting game, and learning the Street Fighter 6 wall jump technique can give you an edge over your opponent. This entry is shaping up to be one of the best in the series’ history, with glowing reviews and over 1 million players at launch. The popular new single player mode, World Tour, helps as well, giving players a lot to do, even if they don’t want to test their mettle against the best of the best online.

For those that do want to hop online, though, it’s important to be at your best with your movement. Here’s how to use the Wall Jump in SF6, as long as you’re playing as a certain character.

How to Wall Jump in Street Fighter 6

Can you wall jump in Street Fighter 6?

To wall jump in SF6, while near a wall, jump in the air towards the wall, then press up + away from the wall at the apex of the jump. The most important part of this move to keep in mind, though, is that only Chun-Li can perform wall jumps at launch. When you’re playing online, it’s only possible for this classic character to use the acrobatic technique. 

How to Unlock Wall Jump in World Tour

While Chun-Li is the only character who can use Wall Jumps online, your Street Fighter 6 avatar can learn the technique for them to use. From the beginning of this solo mode, you can learn fighting styles from the very best fighters. Once you get to Chapter 2 of this campaign, you’ll meet Chun-Li and get to be her student. After learning from her, you will unlock her fighting style for your custom character and subsequently, be able to wall jump.

That’s all you need to know about wall jumping in SF6! While you’re here, check out our guides for another huge June release, Diablo 4!

Killing Time Until Metroid Prime 4: Here’s All the Metroid Games Ranked

It has now been 6 full years since Nintendo first announced Metroid Prime 4 at E3 in 2017. Yes, just months after the Switch launched, Nintendo promised us that we’d soon be playing a brand new Metroid Prime game on their hot new handheld hybrid. Since then, development has stopped, restarted, changed hands, and god knows whatever else since then.

So as we all sit with our thumbs up our asses only to find out that it’s probably coming out on the “Super Switch” or whatever, here’s all the mainline Metroid games ranked. Yes, your comment below the article saying “where’s Metroid Prime Pinball” is very funny, don’t worry, we’re all laughing.

#11 — Metroid: Other M

Fuck it, let’s just rip off the band-aid right now: this game is a mess. I don’t even know if it technically qualifies as a “mainline” Metroid game but there have been enough video essays and hot takes on it over the years that we can’t not include it here. It’s weird, it’s tonally all over the place, and features a lot of stilted and uncanny dialogue that shut up the fans who were begging for more voice acting in Nintendo games. Yeah, sometimes less is more, huh?

I didn’t hate this game when I first played it, but maybe that’s because it came out at the tail end of the Wii era where it was just nice to get a cool new game that wasn’t Waggle Party Carnival or something. The control scheme is weird for a 3D game, where you have to hold the Wii remote on its side horizontally, which I was never a big fan of because my middle finger would always be hovering over that B button on the bottom like a hair trigger.

Other M gives more backstory into the character of Samus that we had never seen before or quite frankly had ever even asked for. And reception was divisive, as her characterization at times made her seem a lot more helpless and dependent than we’re used to. The game isn’t without its cool moments of fan service however, but it’s an entry that most fans probably wouldn’t even include in a Metroid list, but hey, here you go anyway. Moving on.

#10 — Metroid II: Return of Samus

Typically you don’t often see a sequel to a console game release exclusively on a handheld, but that’s exactly what Metroid II: Return of Samus did. It’s a direct follow-up to the original Metroid on NES, but chronologically takes place after the Metroid Prime games, so the straightforward titling here of including a “2” in the name is actually pretty deceptive, huh?

Released prior to Pokemon, the Game Boy still had a bit of proving to do to justify its existence to consumers. Being a full blown sequel to a console game was definitely a big deal at the time, but its contents are not quite as sprawling as both its predecessor and successor. The game sees Samus visit the Metroid’s home planet of SR388, with only one objective in mind: mass genocide. Mario could never. Your goal is simply to kill every Metroid you can find, and the game even has a counter letting you know how many are left.

It’s a relatively straightforward game, but there’s a remake that improves upon it that we’ll discuss further down in the list. It’s worth checking out if you appreciate the refined charm that only the warm, green glow of a Game Boy screen can provide you.

#9 — Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

Metroid Prime was a big fuckin’ deal, huh? And it’s hard to follow up a big fuckin’ deal, so Metroid Prime 2: Echoes had some pretty big space jump boots to fill.

The game runs on the same engine as the original Metroid Prime, so it adds a new sort of gimmick to keep things interesting: the light world and the dark world. This game also gives birth to Dark Samus, who is only the second evil Samus clone we’ve come to know and love in the series so far. Everything is refreshingly dark and gritty, while still faithful to what makes Metroid Metroid. That being said, the tacked on multiplayer mode feels entirely out of place and was no doubt a producer note to make the series relevant in the wake of the wildly popular Halo franchise, which it had been unfairly compared to for so long. The radio silence surrounding a Metroid Prime 2: Echoes competitive scene is deafening.

The plot is once again told through scan points and atmospheric storytelling, but honestly the real highlight here is getting to use screw attack in a 3D space for the first time ever. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes‘ biggest fault is being a sequel to Metroid Prime, one of the most influential games to release that decade. If this was released today, there would no doubt be fan outcry calling it full price DLC.

#8 — Metroid

Ah yes, the game that introduced the world to our favorite ball rolling, orange suit clad hero: Samus Aran. Exploring the labyrinthine passageways and tunnels of planet Zebes was a technological marvel for the time, but if you haven’t played the original version, did you know it had no goddamn map? It’s nearly impossible to imagine playing a Metroid, a Vania, or a Metroidvania of any kind with no map. Maybe there was one in the instruction manual, I don’t know, but you better hope you didn’t throw it away with the box.

Thankfully they rectified this problem in later sequels, and in its eventual remake for the Game Boy Advance, but the game is still nothing short of iconic. The characters, bosses, and music are still used in the series to this day and are some of the most beloved and recognizable entries in video games bar none.

It may be a little rough to go back to this one, but if you’re brave enough and have a good enough sense of direction, it’s worth it. After all, it featured one of the biggest plot twists in gaming history, and one that had been used in romantic comedies for years already: “Dude, she’s a… chick?!”

#7 — Metroid: Samus Returns

You can tell this is a remake of the Game Boy’s Metroid II: Return of Samus because they jumbled the words around. That’s what remakes do best: keeping things familiar, yet different.

Metroid: Samus Returns released on the 3DS months after the launch of the Nintendo Switch, so a lot of people completely overlooked it. It’s a sidescroller that uses 3D graphics, so some people will refer to it as “2.5D” which is kind of stupid when you think about it. The graphics are 3D, the game is a side scroller. Let’s not split hairs here.

It features the same general plot as the game that it’s a remake of, while including some pretty meaty endgame content as well as refined modern gameplay, including melee attacks and counters. And let me tell you, nothing feels quite as good as pistol whipping a giant bat with your arm cannon.

#6 — Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Move over Waggle Party Carnival, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption is here to kick some serious ass on the Wii. It’s a showdown between Dark Samus and Regular Samus in this thrilling “conclusion” to the Prime trilogy, that is until they let us fucking see what Metroid Prime 4 looks like already. Your move, Retro.

The game is filled with colorful, varied biomes and characters, some of which return from the spin-off title Metroid Prime Hunters on DS, which I thought about including on here but didn’t. Oh well! Matter of fact, there are a lot more cutscenes, dialogue, and tertiary characters than we’re used to in the usual lonely, isolated worlds of Metroid games, but it’s honestly a welcome change of pace. It doesn’t stray too far though, retaining the Prime series’ storytelling staples of scan points and in-game lore dumps to go alongside the exciting plot happening right in front of your visor.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption was definitely pushing the Wii to its limits. It’s one of those games you look back on it and think, “man how did they fit all this on here?” You can fast travel between different planets and even decorate the inside of your ship with a Paper Mario bumper sticker. Crazy!

#5 — Metroid Fusion

The game basically opens with Samus getting into a freak car accident and having to take a vaccine— I can see why people consider this game to be horror!

As a result of the vaccine, which includes Metroid DNA for whatever reason, Samus now becomes part Metroid, officially justifying the “Metroid” moniker in the game title. Oh thank god! And for the fusion part of things, not only is Samus now two different organisms, but enemies can fuse together as well, creating a unique challenge not seen before in the series.

Some fans will lament the game’s linear structure, which sees Samus going from one section of a space station to another, with some light-to-heavy hand holding from a computer named “Adam”. It’s not enough to break the immersion in my opinion, and it helps to build tension between the horrifying monstrosity hunting down Samus, born from her genes and known only as SA-X. These sections actually feel particularly horrifying. The game teaches you to run and hide without making a sound once you hear the clanging metallic boots of your evil clone approaching ever closer.

Metroid Fusion borrows a lot from Super Metroid in its graphics and control scheme, and takes place directly after the events of that game. And that alone is enough to put it pretty high up on here.

#4 — Metroid Dread

After years of delays while waiting for Metroid Prime 4, Nintendo gave us what was quite possibly the greatest consolation prize of all time: Metroid Dread.

Dread is a good old fashioned “return to form.” Aside from remakes, this was the first brand new side-scrolling Metroid game to be released in nearly 20 years. And with it, a few new tricks up Samus’ sleeve. Or arm cannon, whatever. Counters and melee attacks are back from Metroid: Samus Returns, the horror elements from Metroid Fusion are expanded upon tenfold, and the game’s challenge level has been considerably upped this time around. Some bosses are absolutely hard as nails, making victory a truly well-earned badge of honor.

This game really made me appreciate the running plotline going through the entire Metroid series, and honestly made me forget all about Metroid Prime 4 for a while. If this is what we end up getting instead, that would be completely fine with me, but a promise is a promise, Nintendo. Make good and release the damn game already.

#3 — Metroid Prime

The Metroid series was notably absent on the Nintendo 64, even though the console had its fair share of FPS classics and transitioned so many of Nintendo’s heavy hitters into 3D juggernauts. It ended up being a wise decision in the end to wait for 3D technology to advance a bit more, because once the GameCube hit, Nintendo delivered on 3D Metroid in a big way.

Metroid Prime takes all of the hallmark staples of the series and implements them into a 3D space with as much grace as Michelle Kwan winning an olympic medal. It sets itself apart from other games in the FPS genre with all the adventure and exploration elements that we’ve come to know and love from Samus over time.

Revisiting the HD remaster on Switch reminded me of how amazing this game was for its time, and still is. It’s aged with more grace than Michelle Kwan trying to… I don’t know, what is Michelle Kwan up to now? Anyway the game’s great, and has me more excited than ever to play Metroid Prime 4… if I had a copy!

#2 — Metroid Zero Mission

This has to be one of the greatest examples of a video game remake ever. I thought about not including remakes on this list, but not mentioning Metroid Zero Mission would be a crime in and of itself, and I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at night if I didn’t.

Any of the aforementioned issues with the original Metroid on NES are fixed here. The graphics and artstyle are more in line with later entries in the series, the music is fresh, and my god, it has a map. A fucking map! We can finally explore planet Zebes without wondering why we’re back in the same gray hallway again.

The origin point of the Metroid series and Samus’ story in general is treated with such finesse and care here, and is one of the best games on the Game Boy Advance period. There are even attempts at pixel art cutscenes to go along with the airtight gameplay, and there’s a good chunk of brand new content in the endgame, which introduces us to the iconic ‘Zero Suit’ Samus. You know I tried to beat this game as fast as I could as a 12 year old so I could see that exclusive artwork at the end.

#1 — Super Metroid

Arguably the game where Metroid really hit its peak, and what gave birth to the clumsily named genre known only as Metroidvania.

There’s nothing quite like the progression loop in Super Metroid, even compared to later games in the series. Crash landing back on planet Zebes with your powers stripped away, only to get them back one by one, is a system perfected on display here in this game. Getting lost is never a chore, and you’ll always stumble upon things that will aid you on your way. Returning to an area or corridor you were in before, much more powerful now than ever, makes you feel like an absolute badass. The 16-bit graphics, artstyle, and chiptunes make the game feel truly alive in a way that many others of its time could only hope to achieve.

Many fans have wondered if we’ll ever get a remake of this game in the same way that the first two games did, but the argument that many have against it is: it’s already perfect! If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, etc. etc., but hey that’s never stopped Nintendo before and I certainly wouldn’t say no. But not until you finish Metroid Prime 4, guys, I’m serious. We really want to play it.

Princess Peach Expelled From Toadstool Tour After Saudi Arabian Merger

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — After notably holding out for a few years, the Toadstool Tour has merged with the Saudi Arabian upstart LIV Golf, creating a conglomerate professional golfing tour that will no longer allow Princess Peach to compete, sources have confirmed. 

“You-a got to make-a compromises once in a while,” said Mario Mario, longtime marquee star of the Toadstool Tour and star of this year’s The Super Mario Bros Movie. “I hate to see Peach expelled from the sport she love-a so much, but think of what this will do for the game of golf-a. This deal will help our corporation to be able to negotiate as good of a television deal as-a possible when the contracts come up-a next year. I hope-a she understands!” 

Fans were disappointed to hear of the allegiance between the traditionally progressive Mushroom Kingdom and LIV Golf, which is backed by the Saudi Arabia Public Investment Fund. 

“Man, I thought they were holding out and not jumping into business with them,” said one disappointed Mushroom Kingdom citizen, referring to the previous several years of lawsuits between the two groups, all of which were voided by the merger. “But I guess ethics only take you so far when the other side has all the money in the world. I can’t believe they’d go into business together after Saudi Arabia dismembered that journalist from the Mushroom Kingdom.” 

Peach’s expulsion is effective immediately, much to her disappointment. 

“For 24 years I’ve been loyal to the Toadstool Tour,” she said in a press release issued this afternoon. “And today I was cast aside like the human rights of so many Saudi Arabians, all so that some wealthy people could continue to make money. It’s very disappointing. I will probably focus on baseball from here on out, at least until Saudi Arabia decides to get involved in that sport and fuck it all up.” 

As of press time, Mario was seen fist bumping Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman upon arrival in Saudi Arabia.

Kirby With Suspiciously Familiar Haircut Delivers News to Dead Soldier’s Family

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Iconic Nintendo mascot Kirby recently delivered a deceased soldier’s mother the news she feared most while bearing a suspiciously familiar haircut, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh my poor baby, I just don’t believe he’s gone,” said Sue Corbin, mother of fallen soldier Frederick Corbin, shortly after being informed of his demise by the star of Kirby’s Adventure. “I am still a little confused as to why Kirby had his exact haircut, also I noticed he used a few of the same phrases and slang my Freddy always used. Kirby said they’d grown real close over there, so I guess maybe he rubbed off on him a little. But also, his story didn’t really add up. You two were in a foxhole together and he got massacred and you’re fine? Not sure I’m buying it.” 

The deceased soldier’s mother wasn’t the only one skeptical of the official government claim. 

“Kirby 100 percent ate that woman’s son,” said a popular post on Reddit. “Don’t let the media turn this into another Pat Tillman situation. There was nothing heroic here, just the American war machine gobbling up its own, which will always be an acceptable amount of collateral damage so long as they’re able to command a budget of $800 billion a year. Shame on the American government. Shame on Kirby for eating that guy.”

Nintendo executives confirmed that this was merely the latest incident during a troubling time in Kirby’s career. 

“Well, that’s Kirby for you,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “When we started making cute little platformers, he really was such a charming little guy. You can see why people took to him and why he became so beloved. Once he achieved sentience and left our computers in 2021 though, it’s been a little dicey. On one hand, I’m glad he’s doing something noble like serving the in U.S. Army, but on the other hand, it sounds like it’s been a pretty bad influence in him. Maybe we’ll get him back into the computers one day. That’d be nice.” 

As of press time, Kirby was spotted driving the dead soldier’s car around town with the dude’s old girlfriend in there. 

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