Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Nintendo Announces DLC Where You Can Do “Whatever the Hell You Want” to Tingle

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Ryan Sims

KYOTO, Japan — Longtime Zelda Series Director Eiji Aounuma announced DLC for The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom that will add fan “favorite” Tingle to the mix and let players do “whatever they want” to the character.

“We just figured, the hell with it,” Aonuma explained. “We saw what players were doing to Koroks — the rockets, the crucifying, the burning alive — it was pretty disturbing. Then we thought about how great it would be if all that stuff happened to Tingle instead. I know it’s just a character we created, but we hate thinking about him. I mean, his voice is so annoying, and he’s always trying to sell maps. Why? This has been a long time coming. Finally The Legend of Zelda series reaches its true potential!”

According to leaked cutscenes, Tingle is reportedly thrilled to finally be included in the new Zelda game.

“Lucky! Lucky! Tingle is so lucky to get to be with the great hero, Mr. Fairy!” Tingle exclaims in the cutscene, striking a pose. “Tingle asked if he would be selling maps, or giving hints to Mr. Fairy, but Tingle was told no. So Tingle isn’t sure what he’ll be doing. Whatever it is, it’ll sure beat getting my balloon popped over The Great Bay, or getting locked up on Windfall Island. Tingle is sure it will be fun! Yes! Yes! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Kooloo-Limpah!”

One lucky streamer on Twitch, “TingleHate98” was allowed special early access to the DLC.

“My Tingle trebuchet is coming along nicely.” TingleHate98 said, explaining his machinations. “Over here’s my Tingle smasher, there’s the Tingle shooting gallery. Right now I’m working on rounding up four horses so I can fuse them to Tingle’s limbs and send them all running in different directions. I started doing this for my Twitch stream, but now I just do it for me. Can you believe I got banned from Twitch for ‘violent extremism?’ Anyway, I can’t demo any of this for you right now, Tingle’s currently being rotisseried above Death Mountain.”

At press time, Tingle was heard shouting “Unlucky! Unlucky!” while fused to the fist of a giant Zonai mech suit.

New Fortnite Trailer Just Hypnotic Spiral Telling Children to Buy $30 Worth of V-Bucks

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CARY, N.C. — Epic Games released a new trailer for Chapter 4 Season 3 that some say was just a hypnotic spiral telling children to purchase $30 worth of v-bucks.

“I don’t understand why people are talking about battle-passes and Transformers and stuff like that. All I saw was a black and white spiral and voice telling me over and over again to purchase v-bucks,” said gamer Alfred Patton, who admitted to having impaired vision, causing him to not be able to fully watch the trailer. “I think Fortnite is boring, so I’m not really that interested in the new chapter, but that trailer was really weird. And even weirder is the bit everyone seems to be doing online where they claim the trailer had more to it than just the black and white spiral.”

Despite criticism from those like Patton, many young fans of the game are excited about the upcoming chapter.

“Yoooo that trailer was so sick!” said 13-year-old Fortnite fan Nadia Knapp. “I can’t wait to try out all the new stuff in it. I also would like to purchase $30 worth of v-bucks in Fortnite, dad. I would like to purchase the new battle-pass in Fortnite, mom. I would like to purchase the Optimus Prime skin in Fortnite, dad. I would like to purchase the new emotes in Fortnite, mom. Huh? Sorry, I blacked out for a second. What was I saying? Oh yeah, dude, the new chapter looks so awesome!”

According to developers at Epic Games, the team is planning for even more exciting new features down the line.

“You are getting verrrrry sleepy,” said Casper Finley, a marketing specialist working on Fortnite. “Close your eyes…. You know all about Fortnite. You love to grind rails. You love Mega City. You love to thank the bus driver. When I count backwards from 10, I’m going to snap my fingers. You’re going to open your eyes, calmly go to the Epic Game Store, update your copy of Fortnite, and purchase $30 worth of v-bucks to buy skins, emotes, and wraps. 10….9….8….7….6….5….4….3…2…1.”

I would like to purchase $30 worth of v-bucks.

Diablo 4 Necromancer Build Guide: The Best Corpse Skills to Use

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Christian Harrison

Looking for a great Diablo 4 Necromancer build? We’ve got you covered! The game has been breaking concurrent records since its release according to its developer, with players all across the world hopping in to create their own character and take on the world. One of the best characters for solo players is the Necromancer due to its ability to create corpses and then use them to dominate the battlefield.

In order to truly maximize your Necromancer build, you should make sure that you’re taking advantage of the right skills, which means creating as many corpses as possible and investing points in the skills that bolster those opportunities.

Best Skills for a Necromancer Corpse Build in Diablo 4

The best skills for a Necromancer build in Diablo 4.

When playing with corpses in mind, you should focus on the abilities that are going to get the best potential from them. This means that the skills that create and manipulate corpses are going to be your best bet in a fight.

A pretty basic thing is making sure that your weapons are up to snuff, which means having the strongest thing you can in each hand. I tend to go more with the one-handed weapon and Focus build.

Most importantly, make sure that you equip the Decompose skill when you start, as it has the constant base ability to summon a corpse at your enemy’s feet every 2.5 seconds, which is obviously extremely useful, but I’ll go into more detail below.

Your optimal loadout for skills on a corpse build should include the “Raise a Skeleton” and “Golem,” as these will allow you a mini army that’s useful whether you’re alone or playing with allies. While it does take up two slots, and that can be jarring at first, it’s incredibly useful to have both kinds of allies on the field, with the Golem acting as more of a constant.

Of course, you’ll need to customize your Book of the Dead, which means getting to a high enough level where you unlock most of the options.

Best Book of the Dead Settings: Necromancer Corpse Build

There are three different options in the Book of the Dead and they are all unlocked at different levels. You’ll need to reach at least level 30 before you’re able to equip the following settings, but they will increase your corpse spawn and provide a decent defense.

Equip your Skirmishers as Reapers
- Set skill to the second node, giving Reapers a 15 percent chance to spawn extra corpses.
Equip your Skeletal Mages in Bone form
- Set skill to the second node so that every time a Mage dies, it leaves behind a corpse and you get fortified for 11 percent of your base life.
Equip your Golem as the Bone form
- Set skill to the first node, giving your Golem the ability to shed a corpse when it takes up to 20 percent damage of its maximum life

As you can probably tell, this will increase the number of corpses that spawn, but the death of the skeletal mages ensures you’ll also have a proper defense to help while you replace your allies.

Best Abilities and Upgrades for Necromancer

There are a few different abilities that you should equip as you level up and improve your Necromancer build in Diablo 4, but thankfully you can respec at any point.

Try equipping these abilities to your hotkeys for the best abilities for the Corpse build:

Decompose: Creates a corpse every 2.5 seconds while also slowly draining enemies’ health.
- It doesn’t matter which upgrades you choose as long as you use this as your primary attack. You should constantly be draining your enemies.
Corpse Explosion: This takes advantage of all the corpses you’ve worked hard to spawn, working as an AOE bomb that deals 295 damage.
- Upgrades don’t affect the build, so choose your favorites.
Corpse Tendrils: This draws in all the enemies in an area into the corpse with the tendrils, stunning them for three seconds and dealing 139 base damage. Then you can use the Corpse Explosion ability to take advantage of the cluster.
- Upgrade to the first node to slow enemies and keep them from escaping the corpse.
- Choose the Plagued Corpse Tendrils upgrade, applying Vulnerable and making your corpse explosions more impactful.
Army of the Dead ultimate: This summons volatile skeletons that explode on contact with enemies over seven seconds for 189 damage, but the benefit comes from
- The first upgrade has the opportunity to spawn a corpse 15 percent of the time when the volatile skeletons explode.
- The second upgrade causes the ability to resurrect all your Skeleton Skirmishers and Mages without exploding them.

Some additional stat upgrades you can use:

Necrotic Carapace: Every time a Corpse is formed by your minions or skills, you are Fortified for 2/4/6 percent of your base life.
Golem Mastery: Increases the damage and life of your Bone Golem by 25/50/75 percent, meaning it will be able to spawn more corpses.
Reaper’s Pursuit tree: This whole tree will benefit your Decompose basic attack, but the first ability increases your movement speed by 5/10/15 percent for three seconds.
Grim Harvest tree: Using a Corpse will generate 2/4/6 essence for your character.

That’s it for our Diablo 4 Necromancer corpse build! Feel free to customize the build and test things out to find out which skills are best for you. While you’re here, check out our guides on the Wandering Death world boss and how to level up faster.

Spider-Man 2 Pre Order Bonus Guide & Edition Comparison

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Parker Johnson

If you want to get the webslinger’s new game ASAP, check out our guide on the Spider-Man 2 pre order bonus! Thanks to the Summer Game Fest showcase, the game now has a release date of October 20, 2023. What may be more immediately important, though, is that pre-orders are confirmed to open on June 16.

When players go to pre-order, though, there are three different editions to choose from, each with their own perks. It can seem a bit confusing, so we broke it down. Here’s what you need to know about Spider-Man 2 and its pre-order bonus, including a complete edition comparison.

When Can You Pre Order Spider-Man 2?

Spider-Man 2 is going to be available for pre-order on June 16, at 10 AM local time. It’s a bit unclear what this means for the United States, or any other country that has multiple time zones. To be safe, it’s probably best to check at your country’s earliest possible time zone (for example, 10 AM EDT/7 AM PDT in the U.S.) You can pre order a digital edition on the PlayStation Store, or get one of the physical editions on PlayStation Direct, or other “participating retailers.”

Spider-Man 2: Pre-Order Bonus & Edition Comparison

As with all modern video game releases, there are a few editions to choose from. The standard, digital deluxe, and collector’s editions each have their own content that players won’t want to miss. Here’s what comes with each version of Spider-Man 2.

Spider-Man 2 Standard Edition Pre-Order Bonus

In the standard edition ($69.99), with a pre-order, players will earn the following:

Arachknight Suit for Peter early unlock (with 3 additional color variations)
Shadow-Spider Suit for Miles early unlock (with 3 additional color variations)
Web Grabber gadget early unlock
3 skill points

Digital Deluxe Edition

The digital deluxe edition ($79.99) includes everything in the standard edition pre-order, as well as:

10 unique suits for Peter and Miles created by guest artists from comics, films, and PlayStation Studios.
- Includes Raf Grassetti (God of War), Victoria Ying (Shang-Chi and the Secret of Immortality), and Joel Mandish (Days Gone)
Additional photo mode frames and stickers
Two additional skill points

Collector’s Edition

The big one is the collector’s edition ($229.99), including:

Spider-Man 2 digital deluxe edition & pre-order bonus
Steelbook display case
19-inch statue, which features Peter & Miles fighting Venom

That’s all you need to know about every edition of Spider-Man 2! While you’re waiting, check out our confirmed roster for Mortal Kombat 1, another upcoming game

New Transformers Movie to Include Autobot Who Turns Into Tesla and Immediately Runs Over Child

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Adam Frost-Venrick

LOS ANGELES — According to the handful of people who have seen the film, Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, which released Friday, includes a Transformer named Memetron who turns into a self-driving Tesla and immediately hits a young child.

“We got into work one morning to find that Elon Musk had spent the whole night tweeting ‘Why no Tesla Transformers?’ at us,” said Paramount executive Marissa Lang. “We had to explain to him that the movie was set before the events of the first one — before Teslas became popular. There’s no Tesla character in the franchise. Then later, he drove a dump-truck full of money up to the studio and we agreed to put Memetron in the movie. He named the character himself.”

The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) was reportedly shocked when members saw the first cut of the movie.

“It was a baffling choice. The rather bloody effects of the self-driving Tesla running into the child’s body were, in a word, nauseating,” said MPAA worker Trish Morgansson in response to Memetron’s intro, which includes the gruesome death of a five-year-old. “But ultimately, I just had to tell myself: this is like a documentary. This is what would actually happen if a self-driving Tesla were to plow into a young child at a crosswalk. Honestly, it’s the best Transformers movie yet!”

Those who have seen the film also reported that Memetron is played by Tesla CEO Elon Musk himself. Although Musk is not a professional actor, the tech billionaire has made appearances in TV shows like The Simpsons, Rick and Morty and Saturday Night Live, as well as a cameo in the film Iron Man 2. According to sources from within Paramount, the “Beast” from the title Transformers: Rise of the Beasts may even refer to Musk himself.

Despite this, producers confirmed he will not appear again in the franchise. This is likely as a result of the scene in which Memetron is brutally killed by an exploding battery about fifteen minutes into his screen time.

Enough Already: When Is Nintendo Going to Announce the Next Zelda Game?

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Hey, Gamers! Sorry to drop the curtain of our normal satirical headlines, but once in a while we here at Hard Drive like to use the platform we’ve established to take a stand, or ask something important. It’s not often that we like to break character, but we find ourselves at one of those infrequent times where such a disruption is necessary, and it’s to ask this question:

When the hell are they gonna announce another Zelda game?

This is ridiculous. When Tears of the Kingdom dropped, it captured the collective conversation in a way that very few games are able to do. It was one of those really fun moments in gaming where seemingly everybody is playing the same thing, having the same experience. In the hours and days since that iconic release, however, major games have come out including Street Fighter 6 and Diablo 4, while Nintendo sat around and released nothing. Frankly, they’ve been struggling to keep up lately, and have lost the foothold on the larger gaming discussion they once held, towards the end of last month.

There’s only one way for Nintendo to turn the tide. Some have said that with the release of a second mainline Zelda game, the Switch is almost certainly nearing the logical endpoint of its lifespan, and therefore a new hardware announcement is a crucial and necessary move for Nintendo, a surefire way to keep the company’s future bright. That’s not true, however. Nintendo consoles are a coin toss between generation defining experiences or poorly designed failures that may or may not hinge on some weird novelty. They’re a complete crapshoot. For every Game Boy or Wii, there’s a Virtual Boy or WiiU. I understand Nintendo’s hesitancy to buy that lottery ticket, especially coming off of one of their biggest successes. Their next system is almost certain to be some goofy shit that lays an egg. I wouldn’t be in a hurry either.

So instead, why not just give us pigs the slop we want and announce more Zelda? I mean, come on. In addition to reclaiming the larger focus of the gaming world, it’s the least Nintendo can do after not releasing any DLC for Tears of the Kingdom yet. Once again, come on. I beat the game a week ago for crying out loud. And while it’s true the game has tremendous replay value, that’s just not the same, is it?

It’s time to do the right thing for once, Nintendo. Announce the next Zelda game, for fuck’s sake.

Crash Bandicoot: The Hard Drive Interview

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

I don’t know what I expected Crash Bandicoot to be like in real life, but it wasn’t this. To start, he’s 40 minutes late to meet me at the diner he chose. That part’s not so weird. One time Ms. Pac Man left me waiting in a hotel lobby for three hours while she decided what bow to put in her hair. No, what’s strange is when the star of over 20 Crash Bandicoot games blames car trouble for his tardiness, even though I watched him spin his way into the parking lot like the Tasmanian Devil. He keeps stepping outside for cigarettes the entire time we’re together. He stops the waitress four different times to ask her if he can get an apple, even though she’s told him they have none. He’s just a little off.

Still, although he was grumpier than I would’ve liked, and the conversation ultimately took an unfortunate turn, it still was truly a remarkable experience, sitting and chatting with an icon of my childhood.

In between cigarettes, that is.

(Note: Excerpts of the following interview have been edited for clarity, and we took out a lot of the apple stuff.)

Crash Bandicoot (returning from outside): Hey, sorry about that. This would be so much easier for the both of us if we could still smoke in diners, you know?

Hard Drive: Yeah, you’re right. It’s no problem. I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for doing this.

Crash Bandicoot: No problem. Let me see one of those menus, okay? You’re paying, right? You said you’d cover?

Hard Drive: I don’t think we said, but sure. I can grab lunch.

Crash Bandicoot: Breakfast. It’s breakfast for me. I just woke up.

Hard Drive: It’s 3:00 PM.

Crash Bandicoot: Yeah, but I’m a bandicoot.

Hard Drive: Oh, sure. That’s right.

Crash Bandicoot: If I wasn’t famous, I’d be sleeping in a nest with my boys all day.

Hard Drive: Aww.

Crash Bandicoot: But also without Hollywood doctors I would’ve died like 20 years ago.

Hard Drive: Damn!

Crash Bandicoot: Yeah, it’s crazy. A lot of people criticized me and said I ‘went Hollywood’ when I moved out here, but Bandicoots generally only live two to four years on their own, so you know. On the plus side, that backlash all sort of died down as everyone back home, uh, died down. Hey you think they’d bring me an apple if I asked? Where’s the lady?

Hard Drive: They might.

Crash: Apple! Someone! An apple!

Hard Drive: Hey sit back down, Crash.

Crash Bandicoot: You think I’m being rude, huh? You just don’t know what it’s like for a big ass bandicoot. It’s really fucking hard, man. You think I like wearing jean shorts? I hate these things. I just need to make myself look like a little bit of a dork so no one’s scared of me. My first game was almost rated M for that reason, you know? On account of children being scared of actual bandicoots. Which is insane, by the way. There’s no reason for a child to be afraid of bandicoots, unless that child smells like earthworms. Then they’re in trouble. I’ll give you that.

The interview carried on in bursts, in between Crash’s frequent visits to the bathroom and trips outside to smoke another Marlboro. A lot of the exchanges were difficult to transcribe, bordering on impossible, due to the erratic nature of Crash. He would shout at people who recognized him, insisting he wasn’t Crash Bandicoot. For some reason, everything made him ornery. Every interaction, every topic.

I asked him if he followed sports and he yelled that they were all rigged. I asked him if he’d been enjoying the weather, he slammed his fists on the table and said it was all rigged. Try as I might, I couldn’t help the situation.

I lost my patience once he wandered into the diner’s kitchen and demanded the staff tell him how “everything works back here.”

Hard Drive: I wish you wouldn’t keep fucking around like that.

Crash Bandicoot (returning to his seat): Yeah, and I wish they still made Crash Bandicoot games!

Hard Drive: Didn’t Crash Bandicoot 4 come out a few years ago?

Crash Bandicoot: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Cool!

Hard Drive: So what are you so upset about? What is it that has you so agitated?

Crash Bandicoot: Do you mean, like, politically?

Hard Drive: Not necessarily. Could be jungle shit or whatever. Relationships. Whatever’s bothering you.

Crash Bandicoot: I feel like you’re trying to take this down a political path, and I really don’t know if that’s the best thing to do here.

Hard Drive: No, I don’t want this to get political at all. Really.

Crash Bandicoot: Look, I’m supporting Ron DeSantis. I know it’ll surprise some of my fans, but I just think he’s the guy for the moment.

Hard Drive: This is not at all what I wanted to talk about, Crash.

Crash Bandicoot: The woke mind virus was the real pandemic.

Hard Drive: Oh geez. Okay Crash, is this why you called us? To get some talking points out? I used to love playing your games, man. What happened to you?

Crash Bandicoot: I started watching some really good things on my phone. Some really, really powerful things.

Hard Drive: I don’t know what to say. Can we change gears here? Hey, was it fun making that Crash Team Racing game? Or was it pretty intense?

Crash Bandicoot: I’m starting a streaming service with Kevin Sorbo and James Woods. We’re working on a sketch comedy show where they dress up like girls and I poop in the safe space they work at. Most of the sketches are some variation on that. It’s called America Plus. And the sketch comedy show is called Triggered, but I wanted to call it Crashing the Party.

Hard Drive: I don’t think that sounds very good, man.
Crash Bandicoot: Hey, that’s fine. We knew this would offend a lot of people.

Hard Drive: No, I’m not offended. It just sounds pretty bad.

Crash Bandicoot: Oh, I gotcha. Hey, I’m gonna go have another cigarette.

And with that, Crash spun away, the same as he arrived. I’d technically received answers to most of my questions, but the interview hardly felt like a success. Never meet your heroes, folks. And if you must, do your best not to get stuck with the bill after they heavily damage a public bathroom.

Doctor Informs Mother She Doesn’t Have Long to Live After Giving Birth to Protagonist

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Seyoung Kim

BALEHO VILLAGE — Doctors reportedly warned Elena Paleheart, a new mother living in a humble village on a great continent, that her child will one day be the great hero of a legendary tale — meaning her days are numbered.

“This is a terminal condition,” the doctor told the new mother. “Many heroes have tried to save their mothers, but all have failed to reverse the hands of fate. Unfortunately, we aren’t able to provide a prognosis, as it’s rare for mothers of protagonists to even survive childbirth. You might get some clues by asking a local elder if there’s a prophecy. Your son is the one who was sent to this land to save all of us from the great evil… I am so sorry. Let me know if you need to read any pamphlets.”

Elena took the news with grace and, according to those close to her, she intends to make the most of her situation.

“The doctor has recommended I make end-of-life plans — I’m thinking a horrific murder, maybe even sacrificing myself for my child,” she said. “That way I’ll always be in my son’s life as a tragic backstory. He can’t forget me if, every time he goes into battle, he looks slightly up and sees a memory of me at low opacity.”

The child’s older sister was not so enthused about her mother’s predicted untimely death.

“I want the savior of our world to deliver us from evil just as much as the next person, but did it have to be my younger sibling?” she moaned. “I’m not looking forward to being their noble, aggrieved caretaker after Mom dies. Little brothers are the worst! Not to mention, I think I could be the chosen one even though I probably miss the qualifications just by a little bit — and I don’t want that to be like, my whole thing. I’m into other stuff too!”

At press time, Elena was found attempting to contact the child’s father, unaware that the child’s search for their missing father and his subsequent death would catalyze the final act transformation in their hero’s journey.

You’ll experience irreversible cessation of all functions of the entire brain, including the brain stem, as well as irreversible cessation of circulatory and respiratory functions

You get to challenge Grim Reaper to a game, and if you beat him, you get more time

Your skeleton is freed

You get to meet Steve!

Everyone will miss you, and they’ll all regret not being nicer to you while you were here

You’ll go to heaven

Your boss will have to find someone to cover your shifts

Your mom will be sad

Worm Friends!

Best Skills for a Necromancer Corpse Build in Diablo 4

Best Book of the Dead Settings: Necromancer Corpse Build

Best Abilities and Upgrades for Necromancer

When Can You Pre Order Spider-Man 2?

Spider-Man 2: Pre-Order Bonus & Edition Comparison

Spider-Man 2 Standard Edition Pre-Order Bonus

Digital Deluxe Edition

Collector’s Edition

What Is the Current Title for the Film?

Who Will the Movie Appeal To?

When Will the Movie Be Released?

Will Spider-Man Still Be Black?

Will Spider-Man Defeat The Spot?

Is Gwen Stacy Trans?

What Will the Film Be About?

How Many Webs Will Spider-Man Shoot?

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