Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Starfield to Take Place in Galaxy That Is Canonically 30 Frames Per Second

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Todd Howard confirmed today that Starfield will take place in a galaxy that operates at just 30 frames per second.

“We heard your complaints about the performance of our upcoming game Starfield and we wanted to let you know we came up with a solution: the whole galaxy where the game takes place actually, in-universe, is only able to function at 30 frames per second. Pretty cool, huh?” Howard explained. “We think this is an exciting opportunity for cool science fiction tropes never before explored in a massive role-playing game. What happened to this galaxy that made it 30 fps? How have the people living on these planets adapted to frame rate? And can the galaxy’s frame rate be increased? Well, spoiler for that last one, because the answer is no. It cannot.”

Upon hearing the news, gamers rushed to the internet to complain about the feature.

“This is so fucking stupid. Starfield set to be another huge disaster for Bethesda — the most overrated video game studio of all time. Nice job, Todd Coward!” said one Twitter user. “If I hadn’t already pre-ordered the deluxe edition of the game, I probably wouldn’t even play it. Another fail for Bethesda!”

“What a terrible way to fix the issue!” said a Facebook user. “They should have said it was because of wokeness. That would have actually been funny, and honestly, kind of true, if you think about it.”

Despite complaints, some fans didn’t mind the announcement.

“30 fps? What? Yeah, I’m not actually gonna play Starfield. I’m going to play my own version of the game that’s modded out the fucking wazoo before I even press the start button. Who gives a shit what the base game is?” said a Redditor. “I’m not playing a Bethesda game that doesn’t have me running from giant Hulk Hogans and Thomas the Tank Engines, and I’m not playing anything under 500 fps — which is how fast your eyes work in real life — so this shit is all moot to me.”

At press time, Howard announced that the galaxy where Starfield takes place may also canonically exist a few months later than people expected, if that’s OK.

Looming Disaster for Reddit: Protesting Users Become Hulking Masses After Two Days Without Ejaculation

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at Reddit are reportedly terrified of their newly muscular users after protests have stopped them from masturbating for two whole days, according to sources from within the company.

“These guys have been jacking off 30 or 40 times a day. Now thousands of porn subreddits have gone dark and they’re all super jacked?!” Reddit CEO Steve Huffman reportedly yelled at a meeting. “I thought this whole semen retention thing was fake! Who knew we had an army of angry users at our door being held back by nothing but terabytes of extremely specific pornography?!”

“We need to figure out something to do,” Huffman then said. “We can fly planes over every city in the United States and drop porn and hentai from them, like the government did in Berlin with food after World War 2. If we can just get these fuckers to jack off once, I think they’ll all deflate. But if we let them stay this powerful, they’ll tear us to fucking shreds. They’ll rip us limb from limb.”

Redditors, however, are reportedly dead set on maintaining the subreddit protest.

“I’m not using that fucking mobile app,” said user u/animegurlzfan94, his muscles bulging out of his nearly-ripped Rei Ayanami shirt. “It’s super hard to navigate and open stuff up and all that shit. Just let me use the mobile site on my phone! Or else I will crush you. I WILL CRUSH YOU!”

“Thank you for the massive muscles, kind stranger,” announced user u/especiallyjeffrey111, flexing. “Does the narwhal bacon at midnight? We shall see, hmmm?”

At press time, several Reddit incels were becoming dismayed after discovering that being really muscular had not changed their chances with hooking up with women in their neighborhoods.

Final Boss Out of Breath After Speedrunner Mashes Through Dialogue

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Hard Drive Staff

THE HOLLOW DIMENSION OF FORGOTTEN SOULS — A final boss was reportedly left gasping and unprepared for battle after a speedrunner mashed through their pre-fight dialogue as quickly as possible, sources have confirmed.

“Well I guess the prick didn’t want to hear what I had to say,” said Lord Sellsworthe, the Pain God, wiping their brow with a towel in the locker room after the speed runner turned off the video game last night. “That was crazy. I have my whole rant that I do, about the runes and the elders, and sometimes people go through it a little quicker than others, that’s no big deal. But that guy figured out how to make me say it faster than I ever have in my life. What the hell was that? He, like, ducked three times in a row and suddenly I was ranting like an asshole. No way he heard what I said at all.”

Unbeknownst to him, Lord Sellsworthe had fallen victim to a bug that allows players to fast forward through certain cutscenes in the game if the right series of commands are inputted.

“I just don’t know how I’m expected to keep up,” continued Lord Sellsworthe, the Pain God, after falling in combat just seven seconds into the fight. “I’m all disoriented and this fucker knows magic! He sunk through the ground and suddenly teleported behind me and was stabbing me in the ass. How was any of that a fair fight?”

As of press time, Sellsworthe, the Pain God had to rush back to work after someone else booted up the video game somewhere.

Delusional Paratroopa Forms Parasocial Relationship With Bowser

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Kevin Flynn

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A local paratroopa that works the steps outside the castle at the end of level 3-2 has reportedly developed a concerning parasocial relationship with Bowser, coworkers have reported.

“Laugh about the word play all you want,” said Andre, a goomba that’s worked with the paratroopa at 3-2 for over 30 years. “But it’s unhealthy how much he talks about Bowser, and what Bowser said yesterday, or what Bowser probably thinks about some new movie that’s coming out. I’m like, ‘Bro, Bowser would chuck your carcass at Mario in a heartbeat if he thought it would help him get ahead in traffic.’ Not sure how he doesn’t see that.”

According to experts, parasocial relationships are at an all-time high.

“You see it all the time,” said Michelle Thorpe, a sociologist that focuses on parasocial relationships. “Whether it be politicians, billionaires, or giant fire breathing dragon men that are constantly harassing the innocent women of the Mushroom Kingdom, people convince themselves that these are people not only worth looking up to, but that they are practically friends, and the fact that they haven’t met yet is merely a technicality. It’s pretty sad. Just because you watched Bowser’s new show on Twitter doesn’t mean he gives a fuck about you, ya know?”

Still however, the paratroopa insists his relationship with Bowser is healthy.

“I’m very realistic about my relationship with Bowser,” said the paratroopa, defending himself against the claims of an unhealthy fixation. “Everyone has hobbies, and mine just happen to include reading about Bowser, talking about Bowser, buying anything Bowser makes, and interaction with everything he does on social media. It’s not that different from liking a sports team or something. It’s just that I like Bowser. I really think we’d be friends if he ever reads one of my replies.”

As of press time, the paratroopa had sent his last 50 coins to Bowser after reading his latest chain email.

Ninja Turtles in Gentrified New York City Spend $5,400 to Rent Sewer

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Alexander Blechman

NEW YORK — A new report has revealed that the iconic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are currently paying $5400 a month to rent their Gowanus sewer.

“Wow man, gentrification’s been a real motherfucker,” said Moses Long, a local resident of the neighborhood. “I remember when you used to be able to crack open a manhole and live down in the sewers for free. That’s all gone though, ever since around 2014. Sucks that gentrification is hitting the turtles so hard. I don’t know what to say, though. It’s hitting all of us. At least I bet their sewer is included in their rent.”

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles themselves confirmed the amount they were currently paying in comments to the media earlier today.

“It’s totally bogus,” said Michelangelo, during a recent interview with Channel Six news. “We’ve always worked odd jobs here and there to be able to afford pizza and stuff, but like, ever since the rent starting getting so high, we’ve all had to work overtime most weeks. We can barely go out and bust up the Foot Clan anymore. My legs are sore all the time and we had to find an extra roommate on Craigslist, dude!”

Professional associates of the Turtles also confirmed their dire financial situation.

“Yeah, it’s getting rough for them down there,” said Casey Jones, longtime colleague of the Ninja Turtles. “When I met them they were squatting and just getting pizzas delivered all the time, it was great. Now every time I hit Raph up to go clean up the streets he’s busy walking dogs or some other odd job bullshit. I can tell they want to come stay with me, but I had to move back in with my Dad, so that’s not really an option.”

As of press time, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were reportedly thinking of moving to a sewer out in Jersey and commuting into the city to fight Shredder.

Overwatch 2 Lifeweaver Unlock Guide: How to Get After Season 4

Posted on June 13, 2023November 19, 2025 by Parker Johnson

In its fourth season, a new support hero was introduced to Overwatch 2: Lifeweaver, with the ability to unlock him now available for all players. In season 4, Lifeweaver had to be unlocked by grinding the battle pass to level 45, or by purchasing him with Overwatch Coins. Now, though, there’s a much easier way. Here’s how to unlock a new support hero to Overwatch 2, Lifeweaver.

Overwatch 2 – How to Unlock Lifeweaver (Hero Challenges)

The easiest way to unlock Lifeweaver is by completing his Hero Challenges. As with other characters like Ramattra, Lifeweaver has a set of challenges to complete to add him to your playable roster. Here are all of the hero challenges you’ll need to complete:

Win 35 games queued as All Roles or playing Support heroes in Quick Play, Competitive Play, or No Limits
Eliminate 2 bots with Thorn Volley in the Practice Range as Lifeweaver
Restore 75 health with Healing Blossom in the Practice Range as Lifeweaver
Use Life Grip on a bot in the Practice Range
Have you or a bot stand on Petal Platform to lift it up in the Practice Range
Restore 25 health to yourself with Rejuvinating Dash in the Practice Range as Lifeweaver
Restore 50 health & block 50 damage with Tree of Life in the Practice Range

This new supporter is also available for purchase on the in-game shop. You can purchase the hero himself, or get a Starter Pack for 1900 coins that includes the hero as well as a new skin and other cosmetics. If you don’t want to dish out cash or grind for Overwatch Coins, though, you’re best sticking to the Hero Challenges. Other than requiring 35 wins, the challenges are incredibly easy & quick to complete.

That’s all you need to know to unlock Lifeweaver in Overwatch 2! While you’re here, check out our guide to unlock Kiriko, Junker Queen, & Sojourn and fill out the rest of your roster of heroes.

Persona 3 Reload Has Me Using An Evoker

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Ryan Fleishman

I love Persona. I put in 100 hours to beat Persona 5 the week it came out on, living on a diet of Domino’s 2 for $12 deals until my parents tried to put me in the psych ward. I wish they did, so I could explain to my court-ordered psychiatrist how Tartarus is a reflection of our collective consciousness in a Jungian sense.

So when I saw Persona 3 was getting a remake, I was pumped. Finally, I can pretend I have friends again. My warm feelings disappeared, however, when Producer Ryota Niitsuma clarified that Persona 3 Reload will not have any content from FES or Persona 3 Portable.

What even is the point of this remake, then? The original graphics are so stylized that age barely changes the experience. Look at this side by side. You can see the fresh coat of paint, but looks never held back the original Persona 3. Hell, all the drawn artwork like character portraits just look different, not improved. If you played this remake then waited a month, your mental image of what Persona 3 looks like then and now would be identical.

People were clamoring for P3R explicitly to unify the extra content from FES and female MCs from P3P. Fans never complained that the anime characters on the Playstation 2 didn’t look close enough to real life anime characters. Fans complained that they had to choose between playing as a woman or playing the 30 hour epilogue.

It’s ironic that Aegis leads off the Reload trailer when her social link and massive role in the epilogue from FES won’t even be in the game. The entire point of the Persona franchise is taking my waifus out for coffee so we can talk about trauma and surface level pop psychology! Even worse, you won’t be able to social link with the resident dog Koromaru. Koromaru only loves people who bought P3P.

As it stands, we have three competing versions of Persona 3: FES with the extra content and epilogue, P3P with the female MC, and P3R with the updated graphics. If you want to fully experience Persona 3 you need to play a 100 hour game three times, and that’s criminal.

So this reload is pointless. Atlus would be better off remaking Persona 1 or 2, which are great stories hidden by archaic systems that make you feel like you’re deciphering the Akashic Records. No, wait. Persona 2 is a duology with two versions, Innocent Sin and Eternal Punishment, and there’s no way Atlus gets that right.

As an Etrian Odyssey fan, I knew the inside scoop that P3 fans would be getting screwed. Atlus just released the remastered Etrian Odyssey collection, which somehow missed the fact that EVERY GAME IN THE COLLECTION has an Untold remake with full story modes on the DS. Atlus charges $40 dollars a pop for each of these incomplete, decade-old DS games. This shows us why they didn’t include the extra content for Etrian Odyssey or Persona: you’ll pay anyways, piggy.

For now, us deluded Persona fans can just pretend that Atlus might make the female MC content available as gay romance.

GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries Release Time & Date Guide

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Parker Johnson

The new Grand Theft Auto expansion is on the way, and players may be curious about the GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries release time & date. This update is set to be one of the biggest ones of the year, headlined by a new mode.

This new mode features players going up against the corrupt Merryweather Security, while earning some riches for themselves. Other small, quality of life features are coming as well, like a hold to sprint option and custom description tags for garages, and more. You can read a complete rundown of all of the changes coming here. Luckily, you won’t have to wait long to take advantage of these new features and options for yourself.

GTA Online Mercenaries Release Date & Time

GTA Online‘s San Andreas Mercenaries update will release on June 13 at 3 AM PDT/6 AM EDT. Frequent players will likely recognize this as the usual release time for updates in Grand Theft Auto. While the update is making a lot of changes to the game, the time of release isn’t one of them.

If players want to jump into the new experience right away, the update can also be preloaded right now. However, this preload feature is limited to players on PlayStation, as long as they have PlayStation Plus. Players on PC or Xbox will unfortunately have to wait for the GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries release time to get the update ready to go. Hope you have a fast download speed!

That’s all you need to know about GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries ahead of its release date! Jump in the new update to enjoy the quality of life features and new mode coming to the game. While you’re here, check out our picks for the best motorcycles and best nightclub locations in GTA Online!

Boring Piece of Shit Game Offers Nothing New After 300 Hours

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Kevin Podas

SEATTLE — After completing a highly-anticipated open-world game that she had been looking forward to for years, Willa Shamloo was disappointed to find that the boring piece of shit had nothing new to offer her after dedicating upwards of 300 hours of gameplay into it.

“The first 200 hours were pretty good I guess,” said Shamloo. “But after sinking in 300 hours, it was like, okay what else is there to even do? I’ve completed the main story, done all of the side quests, upgraded all of my gear, and now I’m sitting here with nothing else to look forward to in my life. What’s up with that?”

Shamloo said that she still held hope that upcoming downloadable content would be able to further occupy her time.

“There’s DLC coming out in a few months, I should be able to wring at least a few dozen hours out of that,” explained Shamloo. “But then I imagine I’ll be right back where I am again, bored to tears by how dull and empty everything is. The game I mean, not my life.”

Developers of the game put out a statement responding to fan backlash that there was a noticeable lack of content available after hitting the several hundred hour mark.

“We hear you loud and clear, and this is not okay,” read an apology screenshot on twitter. “A game should not ship out in this state. Games are meant to be enjoyed for an endless amount of hours, infinitely, and should always occupy the playerbase’s attention no matter what else might be going on in their lives. We’re sorry, and we will do better.”

At press time, Shamloo was busy mindlessly farming materials and running endless dead-end sidequests trying to max out her stats in her personal life.

Spider-Man Developers Take Inspiration From Tears of the Kingdom and Add Huge Creepy Underground Area to New Game

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Saad Khan

BURBANK, Calif. — The directors of Marvel’s Spider-Man 2 responded to complaints of reusing the previous game’s map by taking inspiration from The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, adding a huge, creepy underground area to New York City.

“I think it’s brilliant,” said Henry Mills, a diehard Spider-Man fan. “I thought it was bullshit that NYC would just be the same city again. I mean, come on, I know it’s a real city but they could’ve changed the layout, at least. But hearing that there’ll be a whole new underground area to explore has me excited. It fits right in with NYC, for some reason.”

The directors of Marvel’s Spider-Man 2, Bryan Intihar and Ryan Smith, assured players that the addition of the all-new underground area would give players something they’ve never seen before.

“I’m glad we could come up with a way to change up the map,” Intihar said. “Honestly, we got super depressed after seeing all the backlash and drowned our sorrows by playing a shit-ton of Tears of the Kingdom. We added some of Brooklyn and Queens for this game, but those places suck. That’s when we got the idea: why couldn’t NYC have a giant underground area? I can definitely picture it.”

“It’s going to be really creepy and dark,” said Smith. “We got to stretch our creative muscles and come up with completely new kinds of enemies, like giant rats. There’ll be security forces down there, but they’ll just be on their phones and won’t protect you, so you’re on your own. We’ll have hubs called ‘stations’ that act like Lightroots to allow you to fast travel. And players can get down there through chasms just like Tears of the Kingdom, but we made them stairs instead for a little quality of life improvement.”

“Also, and this doesn’t really affect gameplay at all, but it’s true for the characters you’re playing as,” he added, “the whole place smells like piss.”

However, not all fans are excited about the new underground area. Another Spider-Man fan who lives in New York City didn’t see the big deal.

“I don’t get it. Isn’t it just the subway?” The fan said. “I take that every day, so I’m not really too excited. I already feel like I’ve explored the whole thing. But I think people are overreacting anyway. I mean, it’s set in NYC. How are they supposed to change it? It’s more important what content they fill it with.”

At press time, when asked if they considered expanding the map into The Bronx, the developers responded with confusion: “What’s that?”

Overwatch 2 – How to Unlock Lifeweaver (Hero Challenges)

GTA Online Mercenaries Release Date & Time

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