Gamer Diagnosed With Depression After Realizing All Dialogue Options Lead to Same Outcome

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Local gamer Greg Beckwyth has been diagnosed with clinical depression after coming to the conclusion that no matter what he says the dialogue always ends up the same.

“Whenever I talk to NPCs, I feel like they’re not really listening to what I’m saying,” complained Beckwyth using what he assumed was his only option. “The worst is when I want to say something, but I don’t even get the option I want to say. Like, I knew that Diablo 4 villager was possessed by a demon, and I could’ve stopped his wife from running up to him and embracing him. But no, I only get to say ‘he looks fine to me’ and watch her die, it’s horrible.”

“And that makes me wonder: are the dialogue options in my life the same way?” he asked. “Do I have the power to change my life? Or are we all just characters floating around the world with four things to say that all mean the same thing? Oh god, oh fuck.”

Beckwyth became increasingly agitated while being interviewed, taking long pauses between sentences as if he was choosing what to say.

“Greg has just had a rough go of it the past few years and came to me at a real low point,” explained Dr. Divio. “We connected through BetterHelp and began sessions during COVID lockdown. The seclusion was a big issue for him, as he didn’t regularly interact with other people, just the characters he comes across in his games. It’s been a struggle, especially since I keep having lapses about his condition and end each session with him by saying the exact same thing before I log off.”

At press time, Beckwyth began having a panic attack about what to wear after realizing all his clothes have the same stats.

Overwatch 2 Ranks Guide: OW2 Ranking System Explained

Posted on by Aakash Regmi

We’ve got you covered in the competitive mode grind with our Overwatch 2 ranks guide! Overwatch 2 has made several fundamental changes to the game’s ranked mode (Competitive Play) since its prequel. Even for a returning veteran, these changes can make it harder for them to picture their rank progression. We’ll help clear out some of the confusion.   

Overwatch 2 Ranked Mode Explained

Newer players will have to first get 50 wins in Quick Play to be able to hop into Competitive Play. Folks who have played the original Overwatch can jump straight in. 

Overwatch 2 has two modes within ranked games, with each having its own rankings.   

Role Queue

Here, you’re stuck with a single class of your choice in a game. Before you matchmake, you’ll have to pick between tank, damage, and support. Once picked, and a lobby is found, you can no longer change during the match.  

Each team composition is made up of 1 tank, 2 damage, and 2 support roles.

 

In the Role Queue, each of your classes has its own separate rank. So if you rank up with support, that rank will only belong to all heroes that are of the support class.

Open Queue 

In Open Queue, there is a single universal rank, and you get to pick and switch any hero during a match. Outside of these permanent modes, there are occasional limited time modes as well. For example, each Lunar New Year, Overwatch 2 brings a limited-time Competitive CTF event.

Overwatch 2 Ranking Guide: What Are The Ranks In Overwatch 2?

Overwatch 2 Ranks Guide: all OW2 skill tiers.

Whatever mode you play, the naming scheme is the same. To help you easily understand the otherwise convoluted naming, here’s what you need to know:

There are 8 Skill Tiers, that are essentially your “major” rank. In an ascending order of their value:

  • Bronze 
  • Silver 
  • Gold
  • Platinum
  • Diamond 
  • Master
  • Grandmaster
  • Top 500

To climb upwards from a given skill tier, you’ll have to first progress through divisions within these tiers. There are five of them—5, 4, 3, 2, and 1, with 1 being the best division within each skill tier.  

So suppose you are ranked Bronze 5. After a few positive performances you’ll, ideally, progress to Bronze 4, next to 3, and to 2 & 1. After that, you’ll move on to the next Skill Tier’s lowest division, which is Silver 5. 

How Do You Rank Up in OW2?


In Overwatch 1, life was simple. There was a linear progression, one that was quantifiable. In Overwatch 2, though, it is… well, nobody knows. 

Essentially, you have a top-secret hidden MMR (Matchmaking rating), which the game won’t disclose to you but is solely responsible for your rank placement. After every 5 wins or 15 losses—whichever comes first—the game will update your rank based on your MMR. Suppose you won 5 matches before you lost 15, the game will place you to your newer rank based on your MMR. 

While there are no real known specifics as to how these ratings are allocated and labeled internally, it is most likely to be around your kills, deaths, wins, or other parameters that affect the same. It could still be just wins and losses but there hasn’t been any confirmation from Blizzard. Unfortunately, all you can do is win and hope to be rewarded.

What are the Ranked Rewards in Overwatch 2? 

In Overwatch 2, you’re rewarded with CP (Competitive Points) based on your rank when the season ends and each wins and draws. CP is used for buying golden weapons, one cost 3000. Golden guns are only cosmetics with no gameplay improvements. 

For each win, you get 25 CP and for a draw, you get 5. 

*Note: earlier in the game’s life, this was 15 & 5 respectively, but +10 for a win was later added in Season 4. So if you read elsewhere that you get 15, and you’re getting 25, no, you’re not special.

Here are the current rewards you get based on your highest rank across both queues, as of July 5, 2023: 

Final Rank CP Rewarded Additional Rewards: Title
Bronze  300  
Silver  450  
Gold 600  
Platinum  800 Platinum Role/Open Challenger 
Diamond 1000 Diamond Role/Open Challenger
Master 1200 Master Role/Open Challenger
Grandmaster 1500 Grandmaster Role/Open Challenger
Top 500 1500 Top 500 Role/Open Challenger

If you play Overwatch 2 competitive play loads, even if you lose, there is a reward for merely playing: a title.

  •  Adept Competitor for 250 games. 
  •  Seasoned Competitor for 750 games. 
  •  Expert Competitor for 1,750 games. 

That’s all you need to know about Overwatch 2 ranked mode! Check out our other guides on how to unlock Lifeweaver and how to earn Overwatch coins (though those methods are limited).

George W. Bush’s Top 100 Video Games of All Time

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey, Gamers! 43 here. I’m sick and tired of Obama getting praised every time he fills out a bracket or makes a mixtape. I wanted in on the action, but sadly the only thing I’m very opinionated on is video games. That may surprise a lot of you, but I love those blasted things. Well some of them, at least. There’s plenty I don’t like. You think you’re tired of politics being shoved down your throat? Try being President for a decade or however the hell long that was. Anyway,  here’s my personal list for the best 100 games of all time, prepared exclusively for Hard Drive. 

100. We Love Katamari

I love these crazy games. I never told anyone this, but this is the game I was playing when I almost choked on a pretzel to death. I was rolling around on the ground when it happened. 

99. Metroid 

That little girl rolls into a ball. Don’t know why, but it makes me giggle. 

98. The House of the Dead 2

I remember one night me and Jeb played this and he came to sleep in my bed afterwards. This was last summer. Great game, but get a hold of yourself, Jeb! 

97. Minesweeper

I figured this game out during my first year in office. No one thought I could do it, but I set my mind do it and got it done. One of my more unsung achievements as President. 

96. Jeopardy! 

I memorized every question on Sega Jeopardy and used to bet Cheney he couldn’t beat me! He would get so mad! One time he yelled “How the hell did you know Alexander Pushkin was considered Russia’s greatest poet?” and I shot right back, “Are you kiddin’ me? Al’s the best!” Cheney didn’t talk to me for a week after that one. 

95. Boogerman 

I like that Boogerman. He makes me laugh. 

94. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie 

I stayed up all night to beat this game. It’s not like, incredible, but it’s solid. I think I just like it so much because it’s my favorite movie.  

93. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 

I got into this during my second term. Called Tony Hawk in the middle of the night one time to ask him how real all of it was, and he just said to call him back in the morning. I’m just now realizing I forgot to call him back. 

92. Crash Bandicoot 

That sumbitch scares the hell out of me, but he makes me laugh too. 

91. Duck Hunt

Dick Cheney called me for the first time in six years to threaten my personal safety if this game didn’t appear on the list. I know I should stop listening to him eventually, but it’s just so much easier this way. 

90. Six Days in Fallujah 

This is the one right here. This is my shit. Also, it makes me laugh. 

89. Bush Shootout 

An accurate portrayal of our general strategy towards terrorism during my term. Did you know I stayed up all night playing this one time? Heh heh, Laura was so mad when she got up that morning. 

88. NBA Jam 

I like to unlock Bill and Hillary and let the computer push me around as much as they want. 

87. SkiFree

I like that monster down there at the bottom of the hill. It makes me laugh when he eats the fella. 

86. Tetris 

Unlike Minesweeper, I was never quite able to figure this one out. What’s going on with these pieces? Anyway, I like the music in this one a lot. 

85. Twisted Metal 

I tried to get so many things from this game to happen in real life, but I was shut down every step of the way. A total bummer.

84. Metal Gear Solid 

I like that Snake fella. I like the way he whispers. I like that a lot. This game is hard as hell. 

83. Zoop

Zoop! Heh heh heh

82. The Simpsons: Bart vs the Space Mutants

 Game freaked me out, man. Freaked me out bad. 

81. Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball

When everything got real complicated around you-know-what, I used to boot this game up and pretend I still owned the Texas Rangers. It was a simpler time. I miss it. 

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Epona Euthanized After Getting Stuck on Weird Rock

Posted on by Ryan Sims

HYRULE — Link’s longtime trusty steed Epona had to be euthanized after getting permanently stuck on a weird rock. 

“It all happened so fast,” Link said, staring longingly into a chasm, without even really talking. “I was taking a shortcut through the Eldin Mountains, when I saw a rock just slightly jutting out of the ground ahead of us. I didn’t think it would be any problem, but once we were on top of it, Epona refused to move. She reared up no matter what direction I pushed her. I tried everything, luring her with apples, blowing her off with a giant Korok leaf, attaching a Zonai balloon, nothing worked. She was just stuck there. It’s like there’s some weird issue stopping her from making a simple fucking jump at a slightly awkward angle.”

Talon, the owner of popular horse farm Lon Lon Ranch, spoke out on this all too common issue.

“Unfortunately, we see this kind of thing a lot,” Talon said. “Riders think they can take their horses anywhere. The truth is, horses are freaked out by weird geometry, and they’re especially freaked out by a simple little jump or incline that you think they can easily make. There’s no helping a horse in this situation. The ugly truth is, euthanizing is the best thing for them. There are literally no other options. The easiest way to euthanize a horse is by having them eat a bomb flower. It’s not a pretty sight, but the bokoblins love it.”

Malanya The Horse God also spoke out on the issue after being given a dozen endura carrots.

“FOOLS!!” Malanya yelled from her bulb. “I am cursed to watch my precious children suffer because these idiots ride their horses wherever they see fit. My beautiful babies were never meant to run on awkwardly angled rocks or steep inclines. The next time a horseman comes crawling to me to get their horse unstuck, I shall make them my meal! And as for that swordsman Link, I’ll make sure he never rides one of my four legged angels ever again.”

At press time, Link was last seen in Hyrule Field getting kicked in the face trying to tame a new horse.

Redditor Spends Entire Day Drafting Angry Comment

Posted on by Cameron Snow

MADISON, Wis. – After the twelfth hour of typing, deleting, and restarting, local travel agent and avid Redditor Alan Townsend, 33, decided his angry Reddit comment had finally met his self-imposed standards of wit and eloquence.

“I really don’t have all the time in the world,” said Townsend, having not seen the sun today. “Which is why I had to put in extra work at making sure my tone, grammar, and overall argument were completely airtight. It was a difficult process, and I had to skip all three meals today, but I’ll rest easy tonight knowing I created something that makes me look very smart on the internet.”

Townsend has his partner, Marie Bailey, proofread all of his comments before he posts them.

“He asked me to proofread his comment like thirty times throughout the day,” said Bailey. “And every time, it was barely different than the last. There was one point where he didn’t ask me to proofread for a while, so I snuck down the hall to his office, peaked inside, and saw him sitting at his desk, blank staring at his comment for an hour straight. He didn’t blink. I’m glad he’s passionate about something, but he treats it like he’s drafting the Declaration of Independence, you know?”

Townsend reportedly felt a sense of superiority at the end of the twelfth hour when his comment satisfied his arbitrary criteria.

“Most schmucks on this website think they can slap together a comment in under a minute and call it a day,” said Townsend. “But not me. I’m calculated, I’m precise, and I hit hard. When I press that submit button, it’s like I’m putting a bullet in the head of everyone in this thread, capiche?”

At press time, Townsend’s comment, which reads “You’re wrong and also dumb. Learn some facts, idiot,” has already received three downvotes and no replies. Townsend remains undeterred and has begun drafting a follow-up comment that he predicts could take upwards of several months.

Final Fantasy 16 Hunt Mark Locations: FF16 Notorious Marks

Posted on by Christian Dawson

Looking for the Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations? Final Fantasy 16 takes a different approach to the series in a variety of ways. One such method is listing all the various bosses that would have been hidden encounters in previous entries as Notorious Marks, akin to something out of Monster Hunter.

These hunts are unlocked piecemeal as players progress through the main story and sidequests. They’re critical for some of the rarer crafting materials in addition to gathering Renown for rewards.

While the FF16 Hunt Board will sometimes give a vague clue as to the whereabouts of the nasty beasties, there are several that have no hint. So, let’s take the guesswork out of the equation and show you exactly where they’re at and what you’ll get for your troubles.

Ahriman: Final Fantasy 16 Hunt Board Marks

Rank: C

Location: North of the Auldhyl Docks in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 200 Experience
  • 25 Ability Points
  • 5000 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 10 Magicked Ash
  • 1 Meteorite

The Angel of Death (Aruna)

Rank: C

Location: Claireview in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 350 Experience
  • 40 Ability Points
  • 6200 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 1 Clouded Eye

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: Belphegor

Rank: B

Location: South of the Broken Hilt in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 700 Experience
  • 60 Ability Points
  • 8000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 2 Dragon Talon

Dozmare

Rank: B

Location: Near the Caer Norvent River Gate in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 650 Experience
  • 55 Ability Points
  • 8500 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Scarletite
  • 1 Meteorite

Sekhret

Rank: B

Location: Greensheaves in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 800 Experience
  • 60 Ability Points
  • 8200 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Minotaur Mane

Severian

Rank: B

Location: West of Martha’s Rest in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 800 Experience
  • 70 Ability Points
  • 8500 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Electrum

Muddy Murder (Flan Prince): Final Fantasy 16 Marks

Rank: A

Location: Auldhyl in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 5200 Experience
  • 95 Ability Points
  • 12,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 1 Gelatinous Mass

A Hill to Die On (Fastitocalon)

Rank: B

Location: Near The Bandit’s Bed in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 1100 Experience
  • 65 Ability Points
  • 10,000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 2 Scarletite

Soul Stingers

Rank: C

Location: The Fields of Corava in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 400 Experience
  • 40 Ability Points
  • 5500 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 50 Sharp Fang
  • 20 Bloody Hide
  • 10 Magicked Ash

Grimalkin

Rank: C

Location: The Cattery in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 500 Experience
  • 45 Ability Points
  • 6100 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 1 Grimalkin Hide

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: The Nine of Knives

Rank: A

Location: The Jaw in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 5000 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 10,500 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 25 Wyrrite
  • 2 Meteorite

The Breaker of Worlds (Atlas)

Rank: S

Location: East of Rhiannon’s Ride in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 15,000 Experience
  • 120 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 50 Renown
  • 1 Fallen Iron
  • 1 Orichalcum

Bomb King – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Rank: B

Location: The Crock in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 1000 Experience
  • 65 Ability Points
  • 9000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Bomb Ember

The Ten of Clubs

Rank: B

Location: The Fields of Corava in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 2200 Experience
  • 70 Ability Points
  • 9200 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Scarletite
  • 1 Meteorite

The Mageth BrothersMageth Brothers Hunt Board Mark Location.

Rank: A

Location: Quietsands in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 5100 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 13,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 2 Meteorite

Svarog – FF16 Mark Locations

Rank: S

Location: East of the Glorieuse Gate in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 25,000 Experience
  • 300 Ability Points
  • 30,000 Gil
  • 60 Renown
  • 1 Orichalcum
  • 1 Amber
  • 1 Empty Shard

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: The Pack

Rank: C

Location: South of Tabor in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 700 Experience
  • 50 Ability Points
  • 5800 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 20 Sharp Fang
  • 50 Bloody Hide
  • 10 Magicked Ash

Dread Comet – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Rank: A

Location: Southeast of The Sickle in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 5300 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 13,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 1 Comet Feather

Holy Trumpitour

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations (Holy Trumpitour).

Rank: B

Location: Lostwing in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 2200 Experience
  • 75 Ability Points
  • 9800 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Scarletite
  • 1 Meteorite

Carrot Mark Location (Final Fantasy 16)

Rank: B

Location: The Whispering Waters in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 2000 Experience
  • 70 Ability Points
  • 10,000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Morbol Tendril
  • 1 Morbol Flower

Pandemonium: FF16 Mark Locations

Rank: S

Location: Wolfdarr in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 15,000 Experience
  • 120 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 50 Renown
  • 1 Stained Loincloth

The Tricephalic Terror (Gorgimera)

Rank: S

Location: West of the Velkroy Desert in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 15,000 Experience
  • 120 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 50 Renown
  • 1 Orichalcum

Gobermouch – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: Gobermouch.

Rank: A

Location: Eistla in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 4800 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 15,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 1 Primitive Battlehorn

Bygul

Bygul Mark Location in Final Fantasy 16.

Rank: A

Location: Northeast of the Ravenwit Walls Obelisk in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 8000 Experience
  • 100 Ability Points
  • 16,000 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Couerl Whisker
  • 1 Meteorite

Agni

Rank: A

Location: North of The Edge of Infinity in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 8000 Experience
  • 100 Ability Points
  • 15,500 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Stone Tongue

FF16 Mark Locations: Thanatos

Thanatos Mark Location (Final Fantasy 16).

Rank: A

Location: Titan’s Wake in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 9000 Experience
  • 110 Ability Points
  • 17,000 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Darksteel

Terminus – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Rank: A

Location: The Crock in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 3200 Experience
  • 85 Ability Points
  • 9800 Gil
  • 35 Renown
  • 2 Meteorite

Behemoth King (Final Fantasy Notorious Marks)

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations - Behemoth King.

Rank: S

Location: Southwest of the Vidargraes in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 20,000 Experience
  • 200 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 55 Renown
  • 1 Orichalcum
  • 1 Behemoth Shackle

FF16 Hunt Board Mark Locations: Kuza Beast

Rank: A

Location: Balmung Dark in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 5500 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 15,000 Gil
  • 35 Renown
  • 1 Behemoth Shackle
  • 2 Meteorite

Gizmaluk

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations (Gizmaluk).

Rank: A

Location: Garnick in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 3000 Experience
  • 80 Ability Points
  • 9700 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Clouded Eye
  • 10 Sharp Fang
  • 20 Magicked Ash

Prince of Death – Final Fantasy 16 Notorious Mark

Rank: A

Location: North of Northreach in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 8000 Experience
  • 100 Ability Points
  • 15,000 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Darksteel

FF16 Mark Locations – Knight of the Splendent Heart

Knight of the Splendent Heart Final Fantasy 16 Mark Location.

Rank: A

Location: Near Royal Meadows in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 9000 Experience
  • 105 Ability Points
  • 17,000 Gil
  • 35 Renown
  • 2 Meteorite

All 86 Mainline Mega Man Bosses Ranked by How Good of a Roommate I Think They’d Be

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Mega Man has been a staple of video games since its debut in 1987. Since then there have been 11 mainline games, each with 8 of the series’ signature Robot Masters (except the first game, which had six). Their weaknesses and backstories have all been covered exhaustively, but one analysis that’s not been done to our knowledge is a study as to which of the 86 would be the best roommates. We did our best to evaluate each Robot Master, as well as speak to former roommates of theirs when possible, and determine the proper order. Enjoy!  

86. Napalm Man (Mega Man 5)

Okay, this is pretty obvious, but this guy is just made out of rockets and napalm and shit. He’s a walking fireworks factory, and on top of the danger inherent with that (especially if you live somewhere that has earthquakes), how do you think it’s gonna go when you go to add a guy named Napalm Man to the lease? Not worth the hassle.

85. Hard Man (Mega Man 3)  

Hard Man is a big dumb son of a bitch that will never talk and will get his head stuck in the wall every couple of weeks. You should try to avoid living with him if at all possible.

84. Sword Man (Mega Man 8)

Ugh, this won’t be much of a surprise, but Sword Man is just too insufferable about swords all the time. He’ll come into the kitchen while you’re buttering toast and say, “Hm, that’s a pretty little sword,” and just leave the room. Like, did you just come in here to make fun of my butter knife? What a dick.

83. Acid Man (Mega Man 11) 

I know, I know, this would be cool if he sold acid, right? Well it’s not like that at all. This guy is really into the burning acid and has beakers of it all over his room and shit. You know it’s just a matter of time before you start wondering where your coffee mugs are. They’re filled with acid, bro.

82. Freeze Man (Mega Man 7)

Freeze Man owes me $135. I know people are really charmed by him and he always throws fun parties, but I don’t care. Give me my fucking money.

81. Blast Man (Mega Man 11) 

An ex-carnie that’s passionate about explosives. Want me to keep going?

80. Plug Man (Mega Man 9)

Ugh, you know how sometimes when you share a place it can be tough to come by spare outlets? That’s bad enough without your actual roommate crying like, “Ummm I need to plug myself in or else I’ll die!” So annoying.

79. Slash Man (Mega Man 7)

No shade, but this is just trouble waiting to happen. I’ll just come out and say the obvious; the man is made out of spikes. You want to share furniture with Slash Man? Before you say I’m being too harsh, please remember that since he’s a robot that even his spiky hair is actual spikes. No way, pal.

78. Torch Man (Mega Man 11)

A handful of these guys are always on fire, and that’s just not gonna help anyone’s prospects when they’re being evaluated on how good of a roommate they are. This guy has two fires! Sheesh. Also, it’s kind of awkward hanging out with someone who’s so clearly modeling their whole thing on Fire Man. I had a roommate in college that did that with Fred Durst. It’s not good!

77. Snake Man (Mega Man 3)

 

Snake guys, man. Bottom tier roommates. I don’t need to know anything else.

76. Frost Man (Mega Man 8) 

There’s a lot of guys on this list who’s heating or cooling requirements are huge factors, and Frost Man is freaking huge and not that bright, so it’s really hard to explain to him why the house can’t be kept at 42 degrees all day. Plus, you want this guy on your couch? I sure don’t. He’s gonna crush it!

75. Flash Man (Mega Man 2) 

Flash Man is a real piece of shit. He’ll straight up freeze time to get out of an argument he’s losing. So uncool.

74. Search Man (Mega Man 8)

Uh, this guy has two heads and is way into guns and camouflage. You need me to say anything?

73. Blade Man (Mega Man 10) 

Do you remember all those scenes in Edward Scissorhands where he’s just destroying that family’s beautiful home by accident? That’s no way to live.

72. Gravity Man (Mega Man 5) 

Gravity man is like an annoying conspiracy theorist roommate, but he just goes on and on about gravity as if there’s people that doubt its existence. That’s not even a real conspiracy theory, dude. Why don’t you just shut up about gravity already?

71. Wave Man (Mega Man 5) 

One time at a party Wave Man told me he was most comfortable on the bottom of the ocean, and that he hated being up here with us ‘Air Breathers.’ If he’s looking for a roommate up here in a dry apartment, things must have taken a turn for him, and I’m sure he would be a huge crank about it. Avoid living with Wave Man!

70. Wind Man (Mega Man 6)

Wind Man will break your heart. He tries so hard to be a good dude, but sometimes when he gets emotional or has a bad dream he still just rips everything apart with his wind powers, even though he didn’t mean to and always apologizes. I feel really, really bad putting Wind Man this low, but fair is fair.

69. Cut Man (Mega Man)

People love this guy, but sadly his best days are behind him, and he will not shut up about it! Every time some movie preview comes on TV he starts groaning and laughing sarcastically at it. You can just tell he wants you to ask him about it. No wonder no one calls you any more, dude.

68. Block Man (Mega Man 11)

Block Man does two things. He drinks and he works out. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he just gets raging drunk and works out while screaming. Terrible roommate!

67. Tomahawk Man (Mega Man 6)

This one is dicey because the guy is a walking stereotype, but even if he wasn’t he has a giant ax for a damn hand. Even if he changed his name and took off the headdress, you’d still have to open the door for this guy when he was carrying in groceries, and that’s pretty annoying.

66. Tornado Man (Mega Man 9)

You ever look at your kitchen and think “Ugh, it looks like a tornado went through here?” You really want that to happen four times a day?

65. Charge Man (Mega Man 5)

You might hear Charge Man and think, “Oh cool, some high tech guy I can charge my phone on,” and you couldn’t be more wrong. Charge Man is a locomotive themed Robot Master. If you take one thing away from this list, let it be this: Don’t move in with a coal-powered roommate. They fuck the walls all up with that smoke.

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Chiropractor Mario Insists You Call Him “Doctor”

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber and chiropractor Mario Mario is facing criticism after reports surfaced claiming that he had been misleading his clients into believing that he had obtained a medical degree.

“I just wish he had been up front with me,” said patient Brian Kinopio, who said he had initially been referred to Mario for treatment of back pain by his previous primary physician. “He was telling me all these things that my old doctor was apparently doing wrong. He said I should start seeing him instead, and he would get me truly aligned. Well, my back is worse than ever, and I’ve missed several annual cancer screenings that people my age are supposed to get. And yet he still corrects me if I don’t address him as ‘Dr.’ Mario. It’s just shameless.”

Dr. Toadley, an accredited physician who runs a clinic in Toad town, strongly rebuked Mario’s claims, which he characterized as deceptive.

“Is chiropractic medicine evidence-based? No, it is not,” said Toadley, who claimed to know literally everything. “Would a chiropractor understand how to perform essential medical procedures like hypnotism and seeing the future in a crystal ball? No, they would not. They only know mystical nonsense that the founder claimed he learned from the ghost of a dead doctor. Seriously, that’s what chiropractic is based on. Look it up.”

Despite the amount of public criticism, Mario was not shy about defending himself.

“I complete-a the three years-a required education,” said Mario, who was wearing a lab coat and head mirror despite the fact that he was not at his practice. “I take-a the state-a test for my license. I put in-a the work! I perform-a the procedures to relieve-a vertebral subluxation and-a rid my patients of-a contagious disease-a! I deserve-a the respect!” 

At press time, Dry Bones was seen entering Mario’s clinic, where the receptionist welcomed him as the practice’s best patient.

Wizard Burns the Fuck Out of Hand Shooting Fireball

Posted on by Jacob Colliver

SMORGBOTH’S CASTLE — Cassium, a local Wizard casting Fireball for the first time earlier today was surprised to learn that it hurts to have 2000-degree flames pouring out of his skin.

“Oh sweet Gods,” the severely-scalded spellcaster moaned from a medic’s bed after battle. “This hurts so goddamn much. I don’t know why I just assumed that it’d travel in a safe, self-contained arc towards an opponent. That’s literally the opposite of what fire does. You can’t even stop, drop and roll on a cobblestone dungeon floor. Ow. Owowowowow.”

The incident occurred when Cassium’s party spotted a lone Kobold during a routine dungeon crawl. Without approaching the creature or even consulting his colleagues, the Wizard stretched casually, exclaimed “check this shit out,” and immediately detonated his right arm in white-hot flame.

After some agonized flailing, Cassium’s team managed to beat the fire away using dirt and some cloth armor, mostly provided by the now-concerned Kobold.

“You see it all the time,” local Cleric Agapanthi explained. “You get these young, overly-confident magic practitioners, all worked up over their first epic quest, and they want to look like hot shit in front of the new party. Well, if you ignore basic occupational health and safety procedures, you’ll certainly be hot. The next time you try and cast something well above your level-grade, ask yourself: are you wearing long, ignitable sleeved robes? Is your beard bushy and unkempt from a lifestyle of traveling? Are you carrying a gnarled and extremely flammable wooden staff on your person? It’s common sense, people.”

“My advice to all young adventurers: be a Barbarian,” they added. “You just get mad about stuff. It’s super easy. Don’t overcomplicate things.”

The incident has renewed interest in Wizard safety, following a string of recent self-electrocutions, acid burns and frostbite. The Healers Guild recommend Wizards wear thick rubber boots, flame-retardant jackets and bright reflective vests, which they admit “sucks a lot of the mysticism” out of the profession.

“I just refuse to do it, now,” veteran Wizard representative Slothetir grizzled. “Way too dangerous. One time, we traversed a mystical mine to rescue a Dwarven king, and there’s this hallway lined with torches that’d release him from a goblin trap if you lit them all simultaneously. Of course, everyone turns to me, expecting life and limb. I didn’t see our oh-so-fearless Paladin sticking a singed hand up to do it.”

“I say no and tell them it’s a new union thing,” she said. “Our Archer calls bullshit and gets all up in my face; I say, how much gold are YOUR fingers worth? Well, to cut a long story short, our Beast Tamer died fighting a goblin horde and we started a Dwarven constitutional crisis, but at least I can still play the piano.”

As of press time, Cassium’s hope to perform a second Fireball attempt, while simultaneously casting a Freezing Sphere to “level it out this time,” has led his party to formally distance themselves.

Study: Cops Exclusively Target Cars With Only One Balloon Left

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

WASHINGTON — A study released by the ACLU this week revealed that a vast majority of traffic stops committed by police officers were for cars with only one balloon left.

“Society has deprived these people of their balloons,” said Anthony Romero, Executive Director of the ACLU, while presenting the findings of the report. “Instead of offering a mushroom to help them get back on their feet, officers are pushing them further down, usually with a bob-omb or some kind of banana.”

The shocking report covers decades of police stops, spanning from routine traffic stops to stops involving the little Lakitu pulling cars back onto the road.

“At the end of the day, we have a quota for cars taken off the road, not for balloons popped,” said officer Lloyd Sherman, a lieutenant of the Chicago Police. “Why would we spend department time and resources going after an individual with three or four balloons when we can hock a green shell at a single mom and call it a day.”

Sherman answered questions surrounding the report at the department’s sixteenth damage control press conference of the week.

“I don’t know why people are remotely surprised about this,” continued Sherman. “Instead of blaming us, what the public needs to do is pull up their bootstraps and work under the pretense that maybe eventually they’ll be given a mushroom and a chance for another balloon.”

Sherman was not available for further comment as he is currently suspended with pay under investigation of using a Bullet Bill to skip through several lanes of traffic.

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