Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Link Solves Puzzle of Income Inequality by Attaching a Bunch of Logs Together

Posted on July 3, 2023 by Patrick Sullivan

HYRULE KINGDOM — Famed adventurer and Princess Zelda’s swordsman, Link, has reportedly solved an income inequality barrier between classes in Hyrule by making a really long bridge out of logs.

“I don’t get it, we’ve been trying to solve this issue for decades and the bridge he superglued together made more sense than anything we’ve ever tried,” said Eliza Bellworth, royal treasurer and economics professor at University of Hyrule. “He didn’t even say anything. I don’t think he noticed we were there, he just walked out of one of those green shrines, quickly built something capable of bridging the poverty gap, then teleported away.”

“It really just felt like we were supposed to do something more specific. Fairies for All or free universal college or something,” she added. “But nope. It was the same solution as everything else: gluing a bunch of logs together.”

Further investigation and translation of ancient Zonai text revealed that a shrine had the answer for income inequality for literally thousands of years, but held it hidden in a locked chest on a really high up ledge.

“Gotta keep it real here, I did not think this one through,” said the ghost of Rauru, the first king of Hyrule. “I was running out of ways to test Link, so I just threw this together with the hint ‘Courage to Solve the Income Inequality and Inequity Crisis Between The Citizens of Hyrule and The Ruling Class,’ which in hindsight might’ve been a big nudge. I figured he would use the Invisible Hand and instead he used the Ultra Hand.”

“I never expected him to solve it by just fusing some dead trees together,” continued Rauru. “As a king, it was in my best interest for that shit to stay unsolved.”

When asked to comment about his log-based wealth redistribution, Link simply summoned a hoverbike held together with duct tape and flew away.

Marvel Snap Phoenix Force Deck Guide: Best Decks to Try

Posted on July 3, 2023 by Parker Johnson

The newest Marvel Snap card, Phoenix Force, has arrived with the Season Pass for July 2023: Rise of the Phoenix. The Phoenix Force is a very powerful character, merging with many hosts throughout its existence. The Marvel Snap version of the character comes with a very interesting ability to reflect this merging ability. The card’s text reads: “On Reveal: Revive one of your destroyed cards and merge with it. That card can move each turn.”

This resurrection brings the resurrected card’s ability to the Phoenix Force. This ability combines quite naturally with many strong move cards, like Human Torch and Vulture. However, it also requires some destroy capability alongside it to truly succeed. How can you make the most of the new card? Read on to find our picks for the best Phoenix Force decks in Marvel Snap.

Phoenix Force Destroy Deck

One of the most obvious ways to apply the Phoenix Force is to simply add it to an existing destroy deck. A lot of the staples here work the same: destroy your cards to make them stronger, building up your power on Knull and working down on the energy cost of Death. The Phoenix Force can simply add location flexibility and unexpected effects to help throw off your opponents.

Phoenix Force Move Deck With Destroy Elements

The other way to take advantage of the new July season card is to boost a move deck. A lot of the powerful cards in a move deck remain the same here. Use movement cards like Iron Fist, Ghost-Spider, and Cloak to improve cards like Dagger, Human Torch, and Vulture. Then, use Venom or Killmonger to target the card(s) you want to eliminate. Venom is optimal here, ensuring no power goes to waste. You can target one to ensure that Phoenix Force revives the card you want, or simply aim to boost Venom the best you can. Reviving Vulture, Dagger, or Human Torch with Phoenix Force is a great idea, guaranteeing an incredibly powerful, far less predictable card.

Phoenix Force – Marvel Snap Card Overview

Overall, it seems like the Phoenix Force card, like fellow recent move/destroy card Spider-Man 2099, will likely have a negligible effect on the meta in its current state. It requires a hybrid of two already relatively weak deck archetypes in the current meta (move & destroy.) Even then, there is an element of randomness to bringing a card back that has been destroyed that is hard to control. However, the card has a ton of potential that can be explored. If you would rather wait for that time to try out Phoenix Force, check out our picks for the best Marvel Snap conquest decks!

Twitter Announces New Summer Hours

Posted on July 3, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced a change to Twitter’s operating hours for the summertime earlier today, which will see the platform opening a little later each day and closing at dusk.

“Due to some unforeseen scraping issues, we’re taking our advertising-and-subscription-based platform down for 12 hours a day starting tomorrow,” said Musk, in a Tweet that he also liked. “Believe me when I say that this is a logical business decision that was not influenced at all by any unpaid bills. Not at all. We’re really just trying to entice people to become Twitter Blue subscribers. This summer, paid users will be able to access Twitter a half hour before we open every day as well as tweet the n-word as much as they want without consequence.”

“Just kidding about that last part,” he added “No one faces consequences for that.”

Users were frustrated but understood the need for summer hours.

“At first I didn’t get it,” said Curtis Locke, a local Twitter user that was surprised to find the website inaccessible at 11 p.m. “But then I remembered the restaurant I worked at as a teenager. It’s kind of like that. It would get slower during the summer, so they’d cut back the hours. Then a new manager took over and somehow lit his dick on fire by accident and when he ran out into the restaurant lobby screaming ‘My dick is on fire! Help, help, my dick burns!’ no one really knew what to do or how to help him so everyone just stood there watching and videotaping this guy with the flaming dick as he cried. It’s kind of like that.”

“Then he started punching himself in the dick to get the fire to go out and we all just lost it,” he continued. “Except there were these three weirdos who kept talking about what a savvy way that is to put out the fire. I always thought that part was pretty strange. They saw a man on fire punching himself in the dick and thought he was the smartest guy in the room.”

Twitter’s controversial new summer hours will go into effect immediately. When asked about how the unpopular changes might affect relations with Twitter’s Saudi financiers that famously got away with murdering an American journalist, Musk replied, “looking into it.”

Every Starter Pokémon Ranked by How Easily I Could Convince My Mom They’re a Real Creature

Posted on July 2, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

We all know the struggle of choosing your first partner Pokémon at the beginning of a new game. Should you peek at their evolutions to check for type coverage? Maybe take the one that will fare best against the first few gyms? Just go purely by stats? Well, if you’re sick of comparing and contrasting Bulbasaur’s Special Attack with Squirtle’s Defense, I’ve got a new system for selecting your starter Pokémon: go with the one that my mom would think was a living, breathing animal. Here’s a helpful guide!

#29 — Pikachu

Come on, guys. Pikachu is the face of the franchise. There’s no way my mom wouldn’t recognize him, no matter how I presented it. She’d see the picture and go, “Oh, look, it’s Pokey-man!”

#28 — Charmander

My mom understands that dinosaurs are extinct. She read me several picture books about dinosaurs in the early-to-mid 90s, and in every single one, they were extinct by modern day. She would call my bluff on this one.

#27 — Cyndaquil

It would be a really hard sell to convince her that there’s an animal who is just constantly on fire. I could try to say that it’s actually just a tragic picture of a poor critter burning to death, but, in that case, she would probably refuse to engage at all.

#26 — Scorbunny

This is a Saturday morning cartoon character. She wouldn’t recognize it as a Pokémon, but she would be like, “Hey, that rabbit is walking on its hind legs and has a band-aid on its face. It’s literally playing soccer. That’s not a real animal.”

#25 — Fuecoco

When I was a kid, I won a stuffed animal that looked just like Fuecoco at a fair and carried it around with me everywhere. I think that association would make my mom suspect something. Even if she didn’t, she would definitely embarrass me by bringing up how hard I cried when I lost the plushy at Disney. I’m not letting her see Fuecoco.

#24 — Oshawott

The sticking point here is obviously the clam on its belly. What kind of real animal has a perfect image of its staple food on its abdomen? Absolutely none. Only a Pokémon would have something like that.

#23 — Chimchar

So this guy is also on fire, but if I find a picture from the right angle, I might be able to convince her that it’s just a species of ape that has mastered the creation of fire. I mean, chimps use tools, right? Still a long shot, but I’ve got better odds than with Cyndaquil or Charmander.

#22 — Bulbasaur

My mom likes to garden. She understands the difference between plants and animals. I’m not optimistic about my chances when it comes to persuading her that there exists on this planet some unholy marriage of the two.

#21 — Sprigatito

Cats aren’t green. It simply isn’t done.

#20 — Chespin

I could try to present it as a cute animal in a costume, but I feel like she would immediately ask me what kind of animal it was and I would freeze. I honestly can’t even tell you what it’s based on. Like, an otter or sloth or something? It’s making me uncomfortable thinking about it.

#19 — Froakie

I would attempt to sell Froakie as a rabid frog, but I’d fail. I’ve got a good amount of “Um, actually” in me, and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from explaining that only mammals can get rabies. Honestly, this isn’t even a bit, I just want to make it clear that I know that a frog couldn’t contract rabies.

#18 — Chikorita

Dude’s got body jewelry and a weird haircut. Not only would my mom disbelieve, she would disapprove.

#17 — Totodile

She would realize that crocodiles don’t stand on two legs, but wouldn’t guess that it was a Pokémon. She’d be like, “Oh, is this one of the monsters from your Godzilla movies?” But what exactly makes them “my” Godzilla movies, mom? There are millions of tokusatsu enthusiasts in the United States alone.

#16 — Popplio

Popplio looks pretty close to an actual seal, so you would think this one would be easy. Nope. The guy is a breakfast cereal mascot. She would think I was trying to drop a hint and would forcibly send me home with every box of Cheerios in the house.

#15 — Snivy

The popped collar is a problem. My mom would say, “Oh! Like you tried to do in high school but everyone made fun of you!” and I would immediately give up trying to convince her Snivy was real and start defending the choices I made during my awkward years.

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Hyrule Castle Guard Claims Wooden Beams Above Head Are Outside His Jurisdiction

Posted on June 30, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

HYRULE — A guard stationed in Hyrule Castle’s courtyard has clarified his assigned duties after a recent series of security breaches.

“I have very specific orders when it comes to my patrol,” said Stritch Kasuto, who has been a member of the Royal Guard for 15 years. “I walk in a circle around a wooden pillar set between a couple of hedges, stopping periodically to look left and right. There used to be some Rupees lying on the ground that I would keep an eye on, but those just disappeared one day. The union contract doesn’t mention anything about watching for people walking on the pergola above me, no matter how loud or obvious they’re being. It’s like we learned in training: our job isn’t to catch trespassers, it’s to get home safely to our families in Kakariko Village every night.”

Impa, personal guard to Princess Zelda and director of all castle security operations, dismissed public concerns about the safety of the Royal Family in light of this information.

“The disrespect I’ve been hearing about our guards is completely uncalled for,” said Impa, speaking to reporters after a royal reception for Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo. “These guards represent the best of us and deserve deference from the citizens of Hyrule. The media pushes these misleading narratives in an attempt to divide and weaken us. If you look at the numbers my office has released, the night guard actually has a 100% success rate.”

Despite these reassurances, accused trespasser Ulrira Juggler says that his firsthand experience proves the defenses at the castle are inadequate.

“I was trying to get a look at Princess Zelda,” said Juggler, whose name does not appear on any offender registries. “It was a piece of cake to get by the guards. I could tell they saw me, but I knew if I kept my distance, they wouldn’t hassle me. I was only caught because I got stuck in a drain hole and started screaming. They didn’t even arrest me. They said it would be too much paperwork. I heard they’ve increased the patrols, but that’s just a scam for them to earn more overtime.”

The Castle Guard Union was unable to provide comment before press time, as they were busy investigating a grievance claim regarding an incident where a guard was ordered to look behind a hedge.

Christ: 4 Minute YouTube Video Only Halfway Over

Posted on June 30, 2023 by Kevin Podas

SAN ANTONIO — After clicking on a video titled ‘The Bizarre Anarchist History Behind Veggie Tales,’ Marie Ortiz was shocked to find out that the four minute YouTube video she had been watching was only halfway over.

“Christ, this is unbelievable,” said Ortiz as she tapped her phone, showing that the playhead was only halfway across the screen. “I was only kind of paying attention to this thing and just wanted to zone out for a bit after work. My friend sent me this and I clicked on it to be nice, but now I’m honestly kind of upset at them for putting me through the four-minute mental equivalent of water torture.”

Ortiz reportedly stopped the video to check her social media, and returned to complete it.

“God, I’m only making this worse and delaying the inevitable,” said Ortiz. “My mind wanders, I look at something else, and come back to it out of some strange obligation. Now it’s only at three minutes and ten seconds! I could have been done with this thing by now if I just buckled down and finished it, but here goes nothing.”

Ortiz’s friend, Nicole Ackermann, checked in with her to inquire about her thoughts on the video.

“So what did you think?” read a follow-up text message from Ackermann. “I know this is random, but it just came up on my recommended videos. I always thought that Veggie Tales was a super Christian cartoon, but apparently it wasn’t always that way? And it had socialist roots and propaganda? Until their funders told them to change it?? Who knew!”

At press time, Ortiz was waiting for an ad roll to finish so she could watch the last five seconds of the video.

GTA Online Gain Strength Guide: How To Increase Strength Faster

Posted on June 30, 2023 by Samam Hasan

Finding out how to gain strength in GTA Online is a great boon to any player. The game gives you the ability to increase various attributes of your character. This includes strength, which is one of the more essential ones. It provides various benefits, including massively improving melee damage and helping in reducing damage taken from various sources. That’s why having proper strength is necessary in Grand Theft Auto Online, as it will help players survive in the city of Los Santos. Players must know the best ways to increase it if they want to thrive in the game. So, let’s take a look at how you can increase your strength fast in GTA Online.

How to Increase Strength Fast in GTA Online

Fight with NPCs and Players

A common way to increase Strength fast is by fighting with NPCs and other players in the game. While this may seem very time-consuming, this is probably the easiest method you can do to increase strength. NPCs will rarely pose any threat to the players, and even if they do, it won’t be that hard to knock them out. You also should be careful and smart while fighting against other players as they may have more strength and other attributes better than you. For every 20 punches you land on someone, be it a player or NPC, your strength will increase by 1%.

How to Gain Strength Fast (GTA Online): Playing Golf and Tennis

Another common method is to play golf and tennis in the game. Like real life, participating in these will help you increase your strength in GTA Online. You can play golf by yourself or with other players. But you need at least two players in tennis. So, if you’re more of a lone wolf in the game, golf will be the obvious choice here.

Punching A Friend’s Car in A Session

There is another way to gain strength fast in GTA Online, but for this, you need one other friend. You and your friend should be in the same session, and your friend has to be in a vehicle. Then, you can start punching the car, and after doing it for around 10 minutes, your strength will increase. The reason this happens is because the game registers the punches you’ve landed on the other player’s car, which in this instance is your friend’s, as punching the player themselves. So, this is a quick way to increase your strength stat.

And that is everything you need to know about how to increase your strength stat in GTA Online. While you’re here, check out our guides on how to get the Acid Lab and how to register as a CEO in the game as well.

Detective Pikachu Investigates Mystery of Chugging Framerate

Posted on June 29, 2023 by Kevin Podas

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo recently announced a new game in the Detective Pikachu series titled Detective Pikachu Returns, which features the game’s titular character solving the puzzling mystery of the chugging framerate shown off in the trailer.

“This outta be a tough one,” said Detective Pikachu moving at a staggering rate of 12 frames per second. “People can’t stop wondering why everything looks like shit. I mean, we’re the biggest media franchise in the world, and this is what we get? A glorified 3DS game in 2023? Hrmmm… better get some coffee first. I love coffee. That’s my whole thing, by the way.”

Detective Pikachu’s friend and companion, Tim Goodman, was also said to be on the case.

“People and Pokémon can not only be friends, but can also work together to solve compelling mysteries,” said Goodman. “Like for example, have you ever wondered why everything in Ryme City is sorta jittery-looking? I’ve got friends on the outside too who live in the Paldea region, and they say it’s even worse over there! It’s up to me and Pikachu to find out why Pokémon games undergo little to no quality control anymore.”

A tipster later came forward on the case identifying themselves as the legendary Pokémon Mewtwo.

“Word on the street is that The Pokémon Company just needs to move product,” explained Mewtwo. “They’re a kingpin around these parts. They can’t go a single holiday season without a big new release. You know why? Because when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the women. Or at least that’s what I heard in a movie once.”

At press time, Nintendo offered no further comment on if new, more powerful hardware would be released any time soon.

Hypocrite: Physical Media Advocate Loses Everything in House Fire

Posted on June 29, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

WICHITA, Kan. — Scott Delrich, a local media collector who frequently espoused the benefits of owning physical copies of games, movies, and music, is facing criticism after his CD and DVD collections were destroyed in a house fire, sources at the Wichita Fire Department confirmed.

“I know this is a tragic situation, but it really does serve him right,” said Shelly Williams, a close friend of Delrich. “I told him a million times: the physical world is ephemeral. Anything you can touch can also be destroyed. All matter exists in a state of progressive rot and decay. Eternal life is inherently ethereal in nature, and old TV shows can only find immortality in the cloud.”

First responders expressed frustration with Delrich’s devotion to physical media.

“We see this all the time,” said Robert Knowby, a local firefighter who disclosed that the blaze likely started when an old VCR in Delrich’s basement shorted out. “Last week we got a call to a mansion owned by a fine art collector. By the time we got there, all of his paintings were burnt to a crisp. Years of his life and millions of dollars wasted, and all for some pictures you can just look at on your phone. It’s pure insanity.”

Delrich gave a tearful statement to reporters at the scene of the fire.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said Delrich, who was reportedly returning from a trip to his local record store when he discovered that his home had burned to the ground. “I don’t have a place to sleep. Everything was in that house, man. Everything. The quilt my mom made me when I was sick as a kid. My grandfather’s war medals. My fucking cat. Oh God, I’m just completely lost.”

At press time, Delrich was seen crying in relief after firefighters reunited him with his miraculously undamaged DVD box set of The Real Ghostbusters animated series.