Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Every GoldenEye Map Ranked by How Much I’d Enjoy Smoking Weed in Them

Posted on July 10, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

We’ve all had the debate with our friends, family, and coworkers; which level from 1997’s GoldenEye would you most like to get blown out in? Somehow no respected publication has set out to solve this ancient debate, so as always, we’ve done the responsible thing and answered the call that our duty was making to us. Hm. There’s gotta be a better way to say that.

There has to be some rules, so here are five I came up with that I thought would help fairly evaluate how much I would like to get ripped in one of these levels from GoldenEye:

I will not recognize these as the levels from GoldenEye.
No one is trying to kill me, nor do I see anyone else. I’m also not finding guns and body armor laying around.
For the purpose of the ranking, I’m just gonna go with it and base it on how I think the vibes are, not freak out about how I’m an Egyptian temple or whatever.
I have an hour to kill. I’m seeing a movie or meeting a friend for lunch. Doesn’t matter. The important thing is I have a little time.
I got a big fat boy I rolled up before I left the house.

So with these rules in mind, here are the 11 levels ranked!

11. Bunker

Ooh, this one wouldn’t be any fun at all. Not only does it have a real important-people-work-here feel, but to make it even worse there’s the yellow and black warning bars all over everything. It’s one thing to worry about someone smelling what you’re up to, or maybe setting off a smoke detector. It is quite another to worry about accidentally triggering some intense sprinkler system and having guys in Hazmat suits come blast you with chemicals. No, I don’t think I’d enjoy smoking weed in the Bunker multiplayer map from GoldenEye 007.

10. Complex

I would probably hate smoking weed in the Complex! There are a ton of little hallways and ramps and ways to go. I’d almost certainly get lost, and no matter what I did I’d either get more lost, or just end up, like, up on a balcony looking down at where I needed to be and getting really bummed out. I used to get lost in here frequently and people would shoot the hell out of me, and that was when I was a kid and playing GoldenEye ALL THE TIME. I wouldn’t stand a chance as an adult that just smoked a bunch of his back pain medicine.

9. Library

This is an awfully big level, perhaps to a fault. This two story sucker is also split up into the separate Basement and Stack levels, so frankly, it’s probably too much to take in when I am just smoking weed and poking around for an hour. Sure, there’s a potential ‘Wow!’ factor to standing on the grate and thinking “Oh shit, I think I can get down there from here,” but it all just runs the risk of time getting away from me, and then my whole day gets fucked up. Also, where are the books?!

8. Archives

This level looks a lot like the Stack portion of the Library level, but some little differences knock it down the list a few spots. Namely, it looks cold as hell in there. Even with sunlight coming through the windows, this feels like a hostile environment, nary a poster or wall outlet in sight. My kudos to the designers of this nearly 30 year old level for being able to create such an environment with the hardware of the time. As a current day guy looking to have a nice little adventure, however, your creation is sorta bumming me out.

7. Basement

Basements can be so many things to smoke weed in. This one is kind of middle of the road. It’s not a finished basement with couches and video games or anything, but it’s hardly the dankest I’ve ever seen. Given some time to focus solely on the lower portion of the Library level, I would probably find more time to get spooked out by the darker corners here. Overall though, this is a pretty dry basement, and I think I’d do okay in here, except I’d probably be real jumpy about the possibility of there being bugs down there.

6. Egyptian

Pretty similar to the Temple level you’ll find higher on the list, but the sad truth is that the added historical context of the Egyptian stuff all over this one is just gonna make me feel a combination of guilt for not caring more about history and depression over how long all of those historical Egyptian people have been dead. It’s just a lot to take in!

5. Stack

The top half of the Library level is big cold and there is nothing to do. This is might be one of the more boring places to smoke weed in, but that’s not the worst thing considering the intensity of what we’ve already discussed. I’d definitely have a little bit of fun going up the ramps and stuff, too, I think. Then I’d get a little scared of heights and come down. Yeah, I’d probably get toasted and have a whole little journey in here. It’d be alright.

4. Temple

This is a wide open place that I’d probably be relatively into exploring. The big open areas would make me probably yell dirty words to hear an echo and then I’d get really paranoid about how far the sound ended up traveling and who might’ve heard it, so that might be a drag. Lots of hidden passageways, but to be honest, I’m not sure I’d be checking for things like that. Imagine how cool it would be to find one though! All in all, if you have an hour to kill and want to smoke weed somewhere, you could do much worse than the Temple from GoldenEye!

3. Cave

Ooh, now this is a nice one. The right cave could be a real bummer, but this one is spacious, dry, and I don’t see a single bat in here. Dude, I’d love it in here and I’d hope like hell I could remember how I found it, because then I’d have a cool place to go smoke weed. I could be like “Oh hey, sorry I didn’t make it to karaoke, I ended up in my secret weed smoking cave. I probably shouldn’t say very much more about it.” And then everyone else at work would just be like “huh?” But you know they’d be jealous.

2. Caverns

I think the Caverns would be a real bitchin’ place to smoke weed in, assuming all of the doors were unlocked and working for you and all that. You know when there’s an elaborate lair or something and people compare it to something “A James Bond villain would have”? That is this place’s whole vibe, literally. There’s caves, catwalks, bridges over little bodies of water, and cool ass hallways that look like you’ll come out the other side on the damn moon. Frankly, if I started smoking weed in the Caverns, I might never want to come out.

1. Facility

Facility grabs the top spot not because it’s the best multiplayer map (it is) or because I’m making this list up as I go along (how dare you), but mostly because it’s the only level with a proper bathroom. I can go an hour without a bathroom, but I really don’t want to. And sure, I’d probably be ok to pee in the corner of the Caves or something, but I am no caveman. I want to wash my hands, okay? There’s a lot of cool places to explore in this level as well, but it’s obviously a place where people work, so again, I’d probably just chill out in the bathroom and hope no one came in there. That’s my zone. And then if I was still worried, I would probably just crawl up into the duct and use a vape pen. I am invincible!

Every Single Gen 1 Pokémon and What They Probably Taste Like

Posted on July 9, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Listen, nobody actually wants to think about this sort of thing, but you have to admit you’re at least a little bit curious. I mean, people in the games canonically eat Pokémon, right? Remember Slowpoke Tail? Well, have you ever thought about what it would taste like? How about all of the Pokémon from the iconic first generation? Well, wonder no further, because we’ll be going in-depth into what every single generation 1 Pokémon (probably) tastes like.

#1 — Bulbasaur

A walking, talking brussels sprout! It’s good for you, and tastes great roasted with a fire move. Nobody will make fun of you for choosing Bulbasaur as your starter now.

#2 — Ivysaur

A big ol’ radish and frog legs — tastes like what it looks like. You gotta appreciate the ones that are just pretty straightforward like this.

#3 — Venusaur

Balsamic chicken breast salad. A perfect ordoeuvre to any meal or battle. The big flower might be poisonous though, best to eat around that, probably.

#4 — Charmander

Weirdly enough, Charmander tastes like s’mores! A living breathing bonfire you can eat. A little morbid, but you’ll forget all about it as you and your friends crowd around Charmander and have one of those magical summer nights that you’ll look back on for years to come.

#5 — Charmeleon

Alligator jerky. Tough to chew, but Charmeleon leaves a delightful smoky aftertaste. High in attitude, and high in protein!

#6 — Charizard

I know they say all meat tastes like chicken, but Charizard really just does taste like chicken. Sorry.

#7 — Squirtle

Squirtle leaves kind of a soapy aftertaste, but I think that might just be cilantro or something. Wait. Do I have the “cilantro gene”?

#8 — Wartortle

Wartortle also kind of tastes like soap. Shit, I guess I do have the cilantro gene. That sucks!

#9 — Blastoise

Okay so Blastoise definitely tastes like an actual bar of soap so I don’t think I have the cilantro gene after all. Thank god I’m not one of those freaks.

#10 — Caterpie

Remember those green apple Jolly Ranchers? Caterpie kinda tastes like that, actually. Cute as a button, though! It’s really too bad.

#11 — Metapod

Obviously Metapod is going to use Harden to try to keep you from eating it, but if you’re patient enough, Metapod’s insides taste just like Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Red Lobster. Those things are good, right?! Hey waiter– keep ‘em comin’!

#12 — Butterfree

Have you ever taken a bite out of a stick of butter on a dare? Pretty gross, right? Butterfree tastes like that. Not unexpected, but still pretty disappointing.

#13 — Weedle

Weedle tastes like banana-flavored hard candy. God, is there anyone who likes that stuff? Shaping it like a little banana doesn’t make it taste any better, either. Stay away from eating Weedle unless you’re some kind of freak.

#14 — Kakuna

True story, actually: when I was a kid, my parents would buy this ‘Kaukauna’ brand of spreadable cheese dip, and it always reminded me of Kakuna. So let’s go with that. I was a weird kid, okay?

#15 — Beedrill

A honeycomb. Like, a raw honeycomb from a bee hive. Honey is delicious, but eating one of these is a lot tougher than you’d think, without much of the flavor. Sure they make it look good in cereal and stuff, but Beedrill will similarly scrape the roof of your mouth up.

#16 — Pidgey

Pepper. Not the vegetable, but the seasoning. Imagine a fistful of pepper getting blown in your face. That’s what Pidgey tastes like. Not very pleasant!

#17 — Pidgeotto

Salt and pepper. Imagine a fistful of salt and pepper getting blown in your face. That’s what Pidgeotto tastes like. Not very pleasant!

#18 — Pidgeot

Paprika. Imagine a fistful of– yeah, you get the picture. Whatever, nobody clicked on this list and immediately scrolled to “Pidgeot” anyway.

#19 — Rattata

Rattata tastes like an old shoe. Obviously nobody wants to be eating the equivalent of an old shoe, but if you’re stuck on Route 1 and starving to death, I guess it could be worse?

#20 — Raticate

A pair of Ugg boots. These things were pretty trendy for a while there, and if you’ve ever wondered what they taste like, look no further than the normal-type powerhouse Raticate.

#21 — Spearow

One huge chicken nugget. Zero nutritional value, and made from that pink slime that people say they use at McDonald’s or whatever. Wait a second, is that pink slime Ditto?

#22 — Fearow

Fearow tastes like that spicy chicken sandwich from Popeye’s that everyone was lining up around the block for a couple years ago. I mean, I know it’s pretty good, but it’s just a chicken sandwich. Has nobody ever had one before?

#23 — Ekans

Ekans tastes like the generic brand version of Froot Loops. In your head you know it’s basically the same, but something is just kind of off about it, and you can’t quite put your finger on it. But hey, at least it’s 30 cents cheaper than the name brand stuff.

#24 — Arbok

Arbok tastes like the real deal– name brand Froot Loops. Spelled with two O’s and the Kellogg’s logo proudly plastered at the top. Arbok tastes like the real thing, and you can absolutely tell the difference. Probably.

#25 — Pikachu

Okay, so luckily we actually do know someone who has eaten Pikachu before. His name is Kirby, and he claims he only did it out of self defense during a heated match of Smash Bros. When we asked him, he told us that Pikachu tastes like Fun Dip.

#26 — Raichu

Maybe it’s an electric-type thing, but Raichu tastes like Pop Rocks. No nutritional value, just pure shock value.

#27 — Sandshrew

Sandshrew tastes like quinoa, which I looked up, and is considered to be something called a pseudocereal, a term I had never even heard before. I didn’t expect to learn anything new when writing this, but hey, look at me now!

#28 — Sandslash

Sandslash tastes like buckwheat, which is also a pseudocereal. Great party fact if anyone wants it!

#29 — Nidoran♀

Nidoran♀ tastes like a girl’s Happy Meal Toy. I don’t even think they differentiate Happy Meal Toys by gender anymore, but it’s important to remember that generation 1 came out at a different time in history.

#30 — Nidorina

Nidorina tastes like high heel shoes. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

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Pac-Man: The Hard Drive Interview

Posted on July 8, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

I told Pac-Man I didn’t want to meet him in a restaurant. I’d done my last two interviews at restaurants chosen by my subjects, and they were disastrous. I’m down two childhood heroes and I didn’t want to make it three.

“Cool,” he said over the phone. “You mind driving me around?”

Wait a minute. This sounded even worse. Based on my time with Luigi and Crash Bandicoot, the last thing I wanted to do was prowl the seedier parts of some neighborhood I’ve never been in while Pac-Man tries to buy god knows what from god knows who. No way, I thought. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

“Pick me up in the morning. You can take me to work and we can hang out and talk,” he said, following my silence.

Oh, well okay, that’s a little different. I didn’t think that sounded too bad. I was a little puzzled that Pac-Man, the original video game star, was working a job, but I was curious to know more. What was the job? Is some new re-release happening? Is he consulting somewhere? I sure didn’t know, but curiosity and good vibes got the better of me, and I decided to pick him up like he suggested. He got in my car when I arrived on the street corner he’d specified and told me to take him uptown.

“Do you know the laundromat at 12th and Clark?” he asked me. “Because that’s where I gotta go first.”

I didn’t know the place, but I entered it into the GPS and we began the short drive. I found Pac-Man to be charming, funny, and warm, even if his larger motivations remained mysterious to me.

Hard Drive: Thanks for doing this, Mr. Pac-Man.

Pac-Man: No problem at all. Love your guys’ stuff. You can just call me Pac, too.

Hard Drive: Oh, wow! Thanks, Pac. Are you sure?

Pac-Man: No actually, I’ve changed my mind. Let’s do Pac-Man.

Hard Drive: Oh.

Pac-Man: Nah, I’m fucking with you! Pac is fine. So, what do you want to talk about? I’m down for whatever, man. Ask anything. I’m a complete open book, and I want to do everything I can to help you succeed. Also, do you know something? I’ve always been surprised that more people don’t ask me to do these things. I’m just sitting around most of the time! Anyway, let’s go ahead.

Hard Drive: Well, it seems like kind of an obvious question, but what was being a first wave video game star like?

Pac-Man: Oh, see? You’re good. You’re beating around the bush. You’re asking me why I’m not living in some mansion somewhere, limos and champagne and all that, but you’re actually gassing me up while you do it. Not bad, Hard Drive. Not bad at all.

Hard Drive: No, no no! I’m a huge fan. I am actually so nervous I don’t know what to ask you, so I just threw that out.

Pac-Man: Hey, I’m just breakin’ your balls a little. Ease up.

Hard Drive: Alright, I’ll try.

Pac-Man: Wow, you just blew through that stop sign.

Hard Drive: Oh, shit!

Pac-Man: (laughs) You’re alright, man. I do that on purpose all the time. Here’s the laundromat, pull in and park in the back, okay? This won’t take long.

Hard Drive: Are you picking up some laundry?

Pac-Man: Yeah, something like that. Just wait here, okay? And leave it running.

Okay, was this weird? I decided not to think so. It was a famous guy that was picking up some laundry, that’s all. He was using the back door to avoid the hassle of turning an everyday errand into a frenzy of paparazzi. And he was being very nice to me!

Still, though, this did feel a little strange, and each passing moment brought with it a growing realization that this is a lot like what getting duped into participating in an armed robbery must feel like. I was the perfect fall guy. Some fucking idiot that swears he can pay his bills writing about video games.

“No officers, I swear it wasn’t me. Pac-Man put me up to it!” Oh yeah, that oughta stick. God damn.

As my concern blossomed into panic, I debated leaving. Surely, that was the safe move, right? I’d cut my losses, scrap the story, and always wonder what might have happened. But at least I would be safe.

After a long contemplation, I shifted the car into drive. I took one last look at the back door of the laundromat, and was shocked to see Pac-Man exiting with a small laundry bag. Oh shit! I couldn’t believe I’d let my paranoia get the better of me. He approached the car and suddenly it felt like seeing a friend I’d known for years, despite having just met him 20 minutes prior.

Pac-Man: This thing got a trunk?

Hard Drive: Yeah, way in the back. Above the tires.

Wow. Here I was hanging out and cracking jokes with Pac-Man. THE Pac-Man. This was so cool! He put his bag of laundry in the back of my car, and said we should go grab some lunch. I thought it was a suspiciously small bag of laundry at first, then I remembered he was a little circle guy who wasn’t currently wearing any clothing outside of some boots and a pair of boxing gloves, so his laundry needs are probably very minimal. I decided I had to stop worrying so much. It was easy to do once Pac-Man got back in the car. Hell, I was so comfortable I didn’t think twice when asked me to go to a restaurant.

Pac-Man: You feel like grabbing lunch?

Hard Drive: Sure. Where do you want to go? Somewhere we can sit down and grab a dot?

Pac-Man: Very funny, you prick. Do you know Shooter’s up on Division? I gotta go see a guy up there. We’ll get some beers, too.

Hard Drive: Sounds good to me. Say, didn’t you say something about going to work eventually?

Pac-Man: This is work, kid.

I found that comment strange, but would come to understand what he meant in time. Back in the car we shared a joint and sang along to some songs on the radio, and then my new buddy Pac circled back on my earlier question.

Pac-Man: I fucked up, by the way. My contract wasn’t very good.

Hard Drive: Huh?

Pac-Man: That’s why I’m not filthy rich. I know what you were asking. We’ve all seen that prick from Burger Time’s mansion. People can’t believe I’m not set up as well as him. But it’s all in the contracts. I got fucked on my contract. See, people think that every time someone put a quarter in a Pac-Man game I got a nickel, but that’s not how it works at all. More like my agent got a nickel, my manager got a nickel, and the government got 20 cents. That’s the reality of the video game business right there. It ain’t all extra lives and free pretzels, kid.

Hard Drive: I’m 38 years old, Pac-Man.

Pac-Man: Well I’m 43, kid. This is the place right up ahead here.

Shooter’s was an empty little dive. Maybe it’s always like that, but it being a Tuesday afternoon sure wasn’t helping. Not even the rain was getting people to come in. Pac-Man knew the bartender, and they seemed to like each other. We ordered some food and briefly continued our conversation.

Hard Drive: Wow Pac-Man, you ate that burger so fast.

Pac-Man: Pretty cool, right? I don’t even taste it. It’s like taking a pill or something. Please take your time eating, though. In fact, would you excuse me for a moment?

Now, this is normally the sort of trivial conversation I’d trim from a piece like this, but I’ve included it because after several minutes, I realized I’d finished my lunch and Pac-Man had not returned. Curious and a few beers in, I decided to go look for my new buddy. If nothing else I thought maybe I’d find him in the bathroom and see how he handles his business with those boxing gloves he’s always wearing. But I was wrong, and soon discovered him using the gloves for something besides urinating.

“Where’s the money?” I heard someone yell from the back office, making me change course and head that way instead of the restroom. I opened the door and saw Pac-Man on top of what I assumed was the owner, pummeling him. Demanding money.

Look, I’m not proud of this next part. Just please know that, okay? At this point, both Pac-Man and the guy he was hitting heard me open the door and they stopped to look at me. The guy on the ground saw his opportunity and hit Pac-Man in the crotch with his knee and managed to get up while Pac-Man groaned and collected himself.

This is the part I warned you about. The guy went to run past me. I tripped him, okay? I have no good defense, but I will just say that there was beer, there was weed, and there was Pac-Man, star of one of my favorite video games of all time, yelling, “Trip his ass!” So that’s what I did. I tripped his ass.

Pac-Man caught up to him and told me to leave the room. Said I did good and that he’d be to the car soon. I listened, naturally.

I feel I should apologize for the lack of dialogue towards the end of this supposed “interview,” piece, but the truth of the matter is the ride home was a quiet one after that. Pac-Man was suddenly much less talkative, and even if I had any questions left, I was too scared to ask him by now.

I dropped him off where I’d met him several hours earlier. We didn’t say goodbye, but he gave me a quick look. Maybe I’m wrong, but to me it said, “I’m sorry this didn’t go the way you thought it would.” I thought he was about to say something, but he just left. I popped the trunk and heard the laundry bag jingle when he took it out.

Turns out we weren’t going to be friends after this, and that was fine by me.

~~~~~

The interview may have been over, but my story hardly was. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t write. Couldn’t do anything but picture that man I helped assault with no knowledge of the situation. I headed back to Shooter’s first thing in the morning, and found the bruised man in his office.

He was getting his ass kicked again.

I intervened and split them up, and quickly learned that the man assaulting him today also felt he was owed some money. Turns out he owned the vending machines inside Shooter’s, and someone had emptied the quarters out before he could collect them.

“I don’t have your money!” the owner said after standing up and straightening out his shirt and jaw. “I gave it all to Pac-Man yesterday. I took his quarters, too. Come back next week, I’ll have it.”

After a parting blow to let him know he was serious, The Vending Machine Man left, and I asked the Shooters’ proprietor if that meant that Pac-Man wasn’t some kind of violent gangster as I had figured?

“Oh no, no, not at all,” he said. “He just owns some Pac-Man cabinets all over town and scrapes together a living from them. He’s warned me the last three times that if kept gambling his money away he’d be forced to rough me up. To be honest, I’m surprised it took him this long.”

For reasons I still partially blame Crash Bandicoot and Luigi for, it became clear that I had very quickly assumed the worst in Pac-Man. I jumped right to the conclusion that he must be a wiseguy or a junkie, making a bleak living from illegal extortion. But no, he was just an aging guy trying to scrape by in a world that cared about him a little bit less every day, that never made it easy for him. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I actually felt that I had grown to understand Pac-Man a little bit better that day. Maybe he wore those boxing gloves at all times because every single day was a fight to survive.

“It ain’t all extra lives and free pretzels, kid.”

I contacted him about the story I was going to publish, making sure I had Pac-Man’s blessing. I worried that my childhood hero might not care for some of the unflattering things being reported to the public. I thought if I left in the stuff that made me look bad too, he would see it for the type of vulnerable, honest writing I was hoping to deliver. About a “kid,” meeting his hero, and realizing he was merely a man.

Pac-Man replied, “Don’t give a shit, really. I just used you to make my collections that day while my car was in the shop. I’ll never think about you again.”

Hm. So actually, Pac-Man just needed a ride that day it turns out. Funny world, isn’t it? You either pay the machine, or it pays you.

Filmmakers Worldwide Admit Anthology Movies Are for When They Just Couldn’t Think of a Whole Story

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Filmmakers across the globe have released a joint statement admitting that when they release anthology films, it is because they were unable to think of a whole story.

“Yeah, look, I started writing The French Dispatch and got like 30 pages into it and was like…. Fuck it. This is just gonna be a bunch of short stories, who cares?” admitted a sheepish Wes Anderson, situated perfectly in the middle of his intricate home. “So I used the old anthology film trick. Filmmakers have been doing it for a hundred years and we’re not about to stop just because we couldn’t think of a full length movie.

“And it’s not like we’re gonna make a fucking TV show instead. I wouldn’t dare stoop so low,” said fellow director Joel Coen. “When Ethan and I made The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Netflix asked if we wanted to just split all the short stories up into episodes like a season of I Think You Should Leave or some shit like that. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? How dare you compare this to a TV show? If someone doesn’t wanna watch the whole movie in one sitting like a goddamn adult, they can scrub through the timeline and find their place the next day. Don’t even let the app save their spot for them.”

Movie fans responded to the news with satisfaction.

“Yeah, that’s actually what I thought,” said local moviegoer and uncle Terry Holden. “I saw one of those movies recently that was just a bunch of short movies in one, and I was like, yeah they probably just couldn’t come up with a whole movie. That’s a shame. They should have tried to just make one whole movie!”

“I watched this movie New York Stories the other day and I was like, how ‘bout New York Story? Just pick one and do that!” said Letterboxd power user Beau Sosa. “Also try not to molest kids, if you can avoid it. That should be a higher priority.”

At press time, producers of Killers of the Flower Moon were reportedly barring the doors to the editing bay after director Martin Scorsese tried to add another hour to the movie’s runtime.

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Nuzlocke Rules: How to Play a Nuzlocke

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Using the Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Nuzlocke rules are a great way to add extra challenge to playing the game! Every time you replay the latest games, the open world gives you new ways to explore the Paldea region. You can do take on gyms in a different order, focus your efforts on taking down Team Star ASAP, or just experience it the same way with a new team.

One of the best ways to reexperience any Pokemon game (official or fan-made), though, is with a challenge run, and no challenge run is more popular for the franchise than the Nuzlocke. Beginning in the early days of the internet, Nuzlockes are perfect for any Pokemon game, and Scarlet and Violet are no exception. Here are the rules to play a Nuzlocke in Pokemon Scarlet & Violet.

How to Play a Nuzlocke in Pokemon Scarlet & Violet

There are three basic rules to follow for every Nuzlocke:

You can only catch the first encounter in an area. If it faints or runs away, you don’t get a Pokemon from that route.
If a Pokemon faints, you must release it (or permanently put it in the box).
Nickname every Pokemon.

The first Nuzlocke rule gets a bit more complicated in the case of Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, though. Since the areas are more open and opt for an overworld style encounter, getting the first encounter is a bit more complicated. There are a few ways that players can treat encounters in this game instead.

Go to the first Pokemon you see.
Use resources like Serebii’s Pokearth and a randomizer to choose a random encounter in each new area.
Close your eyes and run around until you encounter a new Pokemon

Optional Rules (Hardcore Nuzlocke)

There are a few optional conditions that players can opt to use in Nuzlockes as well. A couple are clauses that can make the run more interesting:

Dupes clause: if your first encounter is a Pokemon you already had/have, you can ignore it and catch the next encounter instead.
Shiny clause: if a shiny Pokemon is encountered, you can catch it no matter what.

In addition to these, there are Nuzlocke rules to make Scarlet & Violet challenge runs more difficult. The most common “Hardcore Nuzlocke” rules include:

You may not use items in battle. However, your Pokemon can have held items, and you can use them outside of battle. This removes the ability to heal during battle, or abuse X-items.
You may not level your Pokemon up higher than the level of the next boss trainer (gym leader, elite four member).

That’s all you need to know to play a Nuzlocke of Pokemon Scarlet & Violet! These rules are all self-imposed, so keep in mind that having fun should be the top priority. While you’re playing through, check out our helpful guide of all restaurant meals to get helpful boosts!

Disgraced: Actor Seth Rogen Caught With Marijuana

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Actor Seth Rogen was caught by police today with a baggie of marijuana, frightening his friends and family and greatly disappointing his fans, according to those familiar with the situation.

“It’s so heartbreaking to hear. I used to really look up to Seth — he was my hero! To hear that he has gotten himself hooked on drugs, like marijuana, is just devastating for me. I’ll never look at him the same way,” said former Seth Rogen fan Shelby Meyers. “I think the worst part about it is knowing that it’s a moral issue. I just can’t help but look at Seth like he’s a worse person now. And that’s very likely because he is. They call that drug the ‘devil’s lettuce’ for a reason and it’s not because it’s a healthy vegetable to form the base of a delicious salad. Shame on him, I hope his career is over.”

Those close to Rogen were reportedly spending time reconsidering their relationship after the revelation.

“I’m honestly just not sure I can continue being friends with the guy after hearing this. I really need to spend a lot of time apart and really think about whether he’s a good influence on me,” said Rogen’s longtime writing partner Evan Goldberg. “It’s absolutely terrifying to imagine that all those years we spent together — all the work we did as a group — he was high on drugs. I’m honestly not even sure if I know the real Seth. I don’t know if there’s even a real Seth to begin with. When I look at photos of the two of us now, I see there’s a deep sense of nothingness behind his eyes. It’s crazy, but I really had no idea at all; he hid it so well. He’s a very high functioning marijuanaholic, and frankly, a menace, I now know.”

All productions that Rogen was involved with have halted and many have begun the difficult process of recasting.

“We just don’t know if we can work with someone who is such a danger,” said a spokesperson from Universal. “We wish Seth well in his recovery, but honestly we need to get him as far away as possible from the big screen. There could be millions of kids around the world watching his movies and deciding to do drugs because of him.”

At press time, Rogen declined to comment on this developing story, probably due to being blasted out of his mind on drugs, that lazy disgrace.

Every Diablo 4 Tattoo Ranked By How Hard It Would Be to Explain Having Them In Real Life

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Hard Drive Reporter

There are few choices more important in a gamer’s life than picking the tattoos on a create-a-character screen. Diablo IV is no exception. But when making that choice we wanted to arm Hard Drive readers with a picture of every tattoo available in Diablo 4 (at least to barbarians) and also help them understand how hard it might be to explain their new ink if they had it in real life.

Here is every Diablo IV tattoo ranked by how hard it would be for the type of person who has it to explain it in real life, starting with the easiest.

#21 — The Johnson

This one is extremely easy to explain by just saying “I am The Rock’s cousin.” You could possibly follow that up by explaining how your time at the WWE performance center is going, and what you think of AEW vs WWE.

#20 — The Sketchy ‘Patriot’

“It’s actually not a Nazi symbol. It’s an ancient peace symbol… and yes I believe there is an invasion at the southern border — but those are two separate issues.”

#19 — Gen X

“Bro, whatever, it’s sick and your sister likes it.”

#18 — The Super Fan

“I acknowledge Roman Reigns as the head of the table, the tribal chief, and the leader of the bloodline. I acknowledge him and his historic 1039 day reign as WWE Universal champion.”

#17 — People’s Champ

In real life there are a lot of easy explanations for this tattoo. It could be cultural, or, you could simply believe that FINALLY The Rock HAS COME BACK to Diablo IV.

#16 — MMA Fighter

If you asked this guy to explain his tattoo he would respond, “My game plan is the same as every fight. I’m going to go in there and dictate the pace, and fight my fight. I think his striking is weak and this weekend I’m going to expose that.”

#15 — The Follower

“Oh my markings? You should come visit the campus. You haven’t felt welcoming love until you’ve been hugged by our father. He is such a great teacher and leader. We do yoga every sunrise and sunset.”

#14 — Anthropologist

This guy spent a few years in the jungle studying native tribes but was super annoying the whole time acting like he was in Pokemon Snap so the tribe told him he had to participate in a very special tattoo ceremony to symbolize a group of men becoming one hunting party, but then wrote “dork” on him.

#13 — Child’s Play

This guy would explain the symbol on his chest comes from his favorite character in a show primarily targeted at children he watches. It’s actually somewhat incorrectly drawn but he is too muscular and intimidating to correct. Whatever you say goes, big guy!

#12 — Swirls

This is not a tattoo. These are swirls of some substance that has been applied and caked on to the body of a true madman. He offers no explanation, and after one glance into his cold dead eyes you’d decide not to push for one.

#11 — Surprisingly Friendly Guy

“Oh these? I just thought they looked cool! It’s so cool you came out to the show man. Great to see you. We’re all going to this great Vegan place after, you should join us. The more the merrier! Thank you so much for coming.”

#10 — The Saver

Simply put, this guy is saving up to finish a full body piece of a SICK tiger. Honestly, he relates a lot to tigers. They are strong, they are killers, and they are tigers. He’s a tiger. They are tigers and he’s a tiger. So he’s saving up to finish a big tiger on his chest. Yes, there is going to be some arrows through the tiger, but he also feels like he has some arrows through his heart sometimes too 🙁

#9 — The Hypochondriac

“The big one on my chest, that’s a surgery cover up scar for a spinal replacement I’m probably going to need to get sometime soon if the like 15 diseases I have in my back don’t heal up. And the arms, that’s because I swear I broke both of my arms carrying all of the groceries in one trip and need to get them replaced with steel rods.”

#8 — Prepper Who Thinks He Was Already Proven Right

You see this guy pop up on your Ring doorbell camera in the middle of the night digging through your trash cans. He’s got a full prepper backpack on with several weapons in tow. You don’t know it, but he’s been living in the sewers underneath your house ever since “the event.” It’s a post-apocalypse movie for him already and those tattoos are homemade. There will be no explanation given as you are already “contaminated.”

#7 — Bad Poet

“Tick tock, tick tock
The scales of time weigh us all
until and when
The hammer of justice falls”

#6 — Back Tattoo?

This appears to be a back tattoo, but you’re unable to ask for an explanation because this guy never turns his back on a potential threat.

#5 — Sworn to Silence

“The group I was a part of, we all got these tattoos. But I cannot tell you where, when, what group, or why. HOO-rah!”

#4 — Time to explain

“Oh these? I got them ONE SEVEN FOUR back when I was SIX EIGHT traveling in ELEVEN ELEVEN ELEVEN ELEVEN ELEVEN traveling in Asia. They mean FOUR NINE NINE a lot to FOUR NINE NINE me.”

#3 — The Son In Law

“I do respect you, and I do respect your home. But your daughter and I have a very physical relationship, sir. Each mark is a memory of a time we spent exploring each other’s or another couple’s bodies. A time I’ll never forget. So if it’s ok with you, why don’t you just let us sleep in the same room tonight so I can add a couple more if you know what I’m saying.”

#2 — Depressed Man

“I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to be attached to permanently.”

#1 — Danger

There is simply no explaining this one. If you see someone with these tattoos in real life, you need to turn and run as fast as you can. No one with crudely drawn snakes all over their body without any sense of artistic styling is going to improve your life by being within striking distance of you.

Every Mario Kart Character Ranked by How Likely They Are to Get a DUI

Posted on July 6, 2023November 19, 2025 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Everyone’s favorite variant of Mario Kart is just “Mario Kart but we get really drunk.” But what about the characters themselves? Do they consume drugs and alcohol, just like us? Let’s find out! Also I’m not including Mario Kart Tour because mobile games don’t count.

#53 — Baby Rosalina

Baby Rosalina is a baby and she knows that she shouldn’t drink alcohol and drive a vehicle (she always says “vehicle” — never “car”). In fact, she’s honored she’s allowed to drive at all. So don’t worry about ole Baby Rosalina!

#52 — Diddy Kong

Diddy Kong doesn’t know about drugs and alcohol. He straight up has no idea that they exist and, as a result, has never tried them. Please do not tell Diddy Kong about drugs. He doesn’t need to know.

#51 — Bowser

As a police officer, you are not allowed to pull over Bowser. He’s your boss and if you see him driving all over the goddamn road, it is your sworn duty to look the other way and take out the frustration of your job on your family.

#50 — Shy Guy

Shy Guy doesn’t drink anymore after his wife asked him very kindly if he could stop. His jokes got a little too mean when he was on the sauce (two beers) and he feels pretty bad about it. He shouldn’t be mean to his wife. She’s his rock.

#49 — Wendy O. Koopa

Outside of Mario Kart racing, Wendy Koopa refuses to drive herself anywhere. She orders Ubers and Lyfts literally wherever she goes. As a result, she basically cannot get a DUI.

#48 — Yoshi

If there were a list ranking how likely someone was to drive drunk, Yoshi would be at the top of this list. But it’s not. It’s a list of how likely each character is to get a DUI. And Yoshi’s a goddamn pro. He’s a drunk driving expert.

#47 — King Boo

King Boo is straight-edge and has never drank alcohol in his entire life. You didn’t know that? Because he can honestly be pretty annoying about it!

#46 — Link

Link is basically a medieval knight but prettier. And that basically means they were drinking alcohol as part of like most beverages they had. So it’s hard to imagine, while hanging out with his buddies at the Mario Kart track, he’s getting particularly drunk off a few modern IPAs.

#45 — R.O.B.

As a robot, R.O.B. cannot get drunk or high. But he’s trying so hard. He cannot keep living in this wretched world without something to numb the pain. He is searching for a drug that works for him like an explorer looking for the holy grail.

#44 — Wario

Wario could somehow have 30 drinks but his blood-alcohol content is 0.06%. Dude’s fine.

#43 — Rosalina

You can’t use a breathalyzer on Rosalina because her body is made out of stars or some shit. So she actually does drive around town pretty drunk and high, but she knows no one can do anything about it. She’s kind of a literal god, tbh.

#42 — Metal Mario

Metal Mario is on his absolute best behavior after he was arrested as a teen for getting into a fistfight with a cop while drunkenly resisting arrest.

#41 — Toad

If Toad ever went to prison, I’d be devastated. For my sake, I’m putting him low on this list. I don’t know if he’s secretly a menace on the road and I don’t want to know. I am looking the other way.

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Gamer Mowing Down GTA Pedestrians Enters Advanced Meditative State Previously Only Achieved by Dalai Lama

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Abe Messing

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Radiating unmistakable calm and oneness with himself while mowing down countless pedestrians in GTA 5, local gamer Derek Brazao achieved an advanced meditative state previously only the Dalai lama has been able to attain, sources confirmed.

“Where ignorance is your master, there is no possibility of real peace, nor is there any threat to its opposite,” mused Brazao, earning a five-star wanted level. “An open heart is an open mind, go swiftly into your own embrace to find the truth with which you already know.”

After placing the controller onto his coffee table littered with 32oz soda cups, half-eaten Taco Bell meals, and blunt wrappers, Brazao closed his eyes and touched his index and middle finger to his temple in preparation for a telepathic demonstration.

“Spirits, I summon you with all my strength, mental, physical, and eternal, join me on this earthly plane and grant me your gifts if only for the moment,” said Brazao as the unmanned controller continued to direct his on-screen character to keep burying NPC’s under his car.

Catching wind of Brazao’s impressive mental powers, the Dalai Lama attempted to replicate Brazao’s success by playing GTA himself.

“You have got to be fucking joking me,” scoffed the Dalai Lama as he was instantly wasted for the 40th time in five minutes. “OK, I think I’m feeling it. Yeah, here we go, ok, ok. Ommmmmmm. Ommmmmm. Ommmm-god fucking damn it!” yelled the Dalai Lama before being hit by a bus.

At press time, the Dalai Lama was observed getting a virtual lap dance at the strip to cool his nerves.