Ben Cherry M, Author at Hard Drive

Idyllic JRPG Town Finally Gets a Jersey Mike’s

Posted on November 13, 2023 by Wyatt Fair

HOG’S HOLLOW, Wispterra — The winds are changing in Wispterra, as the placid forested community of Hog’s Hollow is thrilled to announce they’ve built the region’s first Jersey Mike’s sandwich chain.

“We live simply in Hog’s Hollow, a town founded by farmers and merchants looking to escape the humdrum of city life,” said Mayor Zink Internal, brushing the large exclamation point away from the top of his head. “But we’d heard rumors from passing travelers about a sacred sandwich shop ruled by the deity Mike and his holy tincture of olive oil, red wine vinegar, and forbidden Italian spices. We’d be fools not to accept his love into our hearts, so we franchised one right here, nestled between the apothecary and a house you can enter to talk to some kid who adds absolutely nothing to the story’s plot. Our townsfolk have been nothing short of thrilled, and the stamina boosts are nothing to scoff at either!”

Even the most wizened members of the community have grown fond of the Northeast-American style sub sandwiches.

“I don’t much go for this sort of thing, lunch and what not,” said Porto Grunt, the town’s blacksmith. “I toil from dawn onward on my daggers and halberds, so I’ll be ready to rock when somebody decides they wanna respec from a magic build into something with a bit more physical damage. But when I bit into that #2, brought to us through the sleet and rain from the far-off realm of ‘Jersey Shore’…I shed the first tear I’ve shed since Beastmaster Helm turned my son into a vole. My life has changed forever, and the app is extremely intuitive too.”

Unfortunately, the excitement over this new foreign foodstuff has caused many residents of Hog’s Hollow to fall ill.

“I’m casting Cure Poison as much as I can, but I obviously don’t have the MP to heal everybody,” said local cleric Ophelia Wisp, a pure-hearted child of fourteen who has already been orphaned about five times. “Everybody is going way too hard on these cold cuts. I urged them to find the same clarity I found at age five when my first set of parents died, got resuscitated, then died permanently, but I think my voice is too angelic to actually hear.”

At press time, Professor Oak’s lab in Pallet Town has reportedly been torn down to make room for a Qdoba.

GameStop Employee Recommends ‘New Game: Expensive Edition’

Posted on November 13, 2023 by Garry Kerls

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop headquarters have reportedly started telling employees to push customers to purchase New Game: Expensive Edition, sources say.

In a company-wide email, Ryan Cohen, GameStop’s newly appointed CEO, introduced the company’s latest game partnership. “We are happy to announce our collaboration with $HUNGRY$ Studios in anticipation for their upcoming release, New Game: Expensive Edition. The newest game in the New Game franchise is set to release during the upcoming holiday season. Until then, every GameStop employee is expected to recommend this game to absolutely everyone who walks into our stores.”

The email went on to detail unique phrases that can steer conversation towards pre-ordering the upcoming release.

“You seem like a gaming aficionado, I know just the game for you,” read one such quote from the email. “Woah there, moneybags! That sure is a lot of Funko Pops, can I interest you in something even more financially irresponsible?”

The corporate memo also came attached with a pitch package full of slogans and buzzwords about the game itself.

“Did you know New Game: Expensive Edition is the highest ranked game on the Microsoft Store filtered by price highest to lowest?”

At press time, New Game: Expensive Edition: Collector’s Edition: Game of the Year Edition has been announced starting at twice your rent.

Dvd Zslv Deletes Vowels In Tax Write Off

Posted on November 13, 2023 by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — CEO and President of Warner Bros. Discovery, Dvd Zslv (formerly David Zaslav) has announced he is deleting his vowels in a tax write off.

“At first I thought there’s no way I can make money from this,” said Zslv from his underground lair. “But then I realized within capitalism anything is possible. My accountant loved the idea and already had a boilerplate document ready for me to eke out a few dollars from removing the vowels from my name.”

He added, “My next plan is to somehow find a way to make money by killing Bugs Bunny while Daffy Duck is forced to watch.”

Experts who reviewed the tax write off say it’s a bold but fair move from an executive known for killing movie and TV projects, but other execs think he’s gone too far.

“I get it,” said Bob Iger, CEO of Walt Disney and the man who forced David Lynch to reveal who killed Laura Palmer in an apparent lack of understanding Twin Peaks’ appeal. “If I could make money by selling my own children, I’d do it, but your name is your name. This isn’t like creating a TV series of a hit book series and then shelving it before it gets released to save some dollars which is what I did to the Spiderwick Chronicles. And 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I mean really at this point I’d burn Disneyworld to the ground if I thought it would make me a dollar.”

Economists have weighed in on entertainment execs spending more time placating their shareholders than entertaining their customers.

“We have a term for this. It’s rare, but studied by some rogue scholars across the universites,” said economics professor Stephanie Archer. “It’s called an economic serial killer. To be the head of an entertainment service when you seem to hate entertaining your customers is one of the main signs.”

According to those close to the executive, Dvd Zslv’s next plan is to find a way to monetize the rage and disgust felt against him by everyone he’s ever met or spoken to.

Groom Determined to Sneak Fusion Dance Into Wedding Choreography

Posted on November 13, 2023 by Will Carnevale

CRANBURY, N.J. — Groom Oren Crowne had hoped sneaking a Fusion Dance into his wedding choreography without asking his bride-to-be would somehow bring him and his fiancée closer together than ever, according to worried sources in the bridal party.

“I was wondering why Oren kept muttering ‘wed…ding… hah!’ whenever we tried the moves he suggested,” said Douglas “Dougie” Madison, a choreographer hired by Crowne and bride Gina Lacey to develop their wedding dance. “It would be one thing to include those steps if they fit aesthetically with the elegance and intimacy we’ve been trying to keep front and center, but the so-called Fusion ‘Dance’ is more like a kung fu cheer routine, and has no place in my studio or my choreography.”

The Fusion Dance, a method of joining people not matrimonially, but corporeally, involves a series of synchronized poses that Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama has described as “stupid.” Analysts compared footage from a recent rehearsal session at Madison’s studio to footage from the 1995 movie Dragon Ball Z: Fusion Reborn, and concluded that the similarities were too strong to be mere coincidence.

Crowne has since dismissed Fusion Reborn as non-canon and maintains that the allegations against him are false and unfair.

“I would never incorporate Metamoran fusion into my wedding,” Crowne said, stuffing a puffy-collared vest deep into a closet. “Toriyama-sensei himself said that Potara fusions are stronger, and I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I’d only want to be married to Gina for half an hour instead of potentially forever.”

But at least one precedent has caused Lacey to remain skeptical.

“He actually tried the Potara thing first,” Lacey explained. “A few months into our engagement, he started floating the idea that instead of exchanging wedding bands, I could wear ‘special earrings’ during the ceremony and give him one. I thought it was kind of sweet, but as soon as he showed me the earrings, the jig was up. I may have been a reluctant participant in his Fusion Saga rewatch last year, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention.”

Lacey says that while there are no plans to cancel the wedding, this ordeal has caused her to reexamine the inordinate interest Crowne has taken in their “couple name”—Orengina—and offered new context for the time she observed him motioning aggressively in their bathroom and whisper-shouting phrases like “Final Carbonation” and “Citrus Flash.”

Biden Increasingly Concerned About Giant Monsters After Watching ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’

Posted on November 13, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has shifted his stance on the threat posed by giant monsters after viewing Adam Wingard’s 2021 film “Godzilla vs. Kong”, a social media post revealed.

“Let me be clear: America will not be caught off guard by the emergence of any daikaiju, whether it’s a nuclear dinosaur or an enormous gorilla,” read a post from the president on X, formerly Twitter. “My administration has pledged to invest billions of dollars into anti-monster technology. We’re putting together a crack team to build an unprecedented weapons system known as Mecha-Godzilla — and, folks, this one won’t gain sentience and run amok. The giant robots of tomorrow will be built in America.”

Some figures in the media were critical of President Biden’s sudden focus on colossal mutant creatures.

“More woke nonsense from the White House,” said failed comedian and Fox News talk show host Greg Gutfeld. “You’ll notice that Biden uses gender-neutral pronouns when he talks about these monsters. Come on. Godzilla is a guy. Everyone knows that. Also, it’s King Kong! I mean, it doesn’t get much more masculine than that. How can we expect this administration to protect us from Ghidorah and Rodan when they’re too afraid to properly address them?”

While some high-ranking administration officials were reportedly caught off guard by Biden’s new stance, Vice President Harris fielded questions about the post after attending a park bench dedication.

“President Biden and I both have a deep understanding of Godzilla and all of his rivals,” said the vice president. “We understand exactly how difficult it is to defeat such formidable monstrosities. For instance, Godzilla was only able to best Destoroyah by harnessing the enormous power granted to him by his ongoing meltdown. He knew that the effort would also kill him, but he accepted his fate. He knew that his time was over. And because of his sacrifice, Godzilla Jr. was able to rise up and take his rightful place as the new King of the Monsters. I know I love that message, and I think Joe does, too.”

At press time, Biden had ordered a shutdown of the entire Chuck E. Cheese franchise after seeing a showing of “Five Nights at Freddy’s.”

Our 5 Dream Link Actors Based On How Much of a Elvish Twink They Are

Posted on November 13, 2023 by Tyler Simpson

After getting a taste of that sweet sweet movie tie-in cashola with the Mario movie, Nintendo has decided to sell out and go full Hollywood by announcing a new live-action Zelda movie. Casting for this film will be tough, especially when it comes to everyone’s favorite handsome little smooth boy Link. Here’s our top 5 dream link actors based on how much of an elvish twink they are.

5. Timothee Chalamet

If you look up twink in the dictionary, Timothee is being given a swirly by the guy they picked to be twink in the dictionary. He is the beta twink (which is the alpha in twink speak). He also has tons of pointy features like an elf. The only problem is his hair is too dark and there’s no way he could pull off being blonde.

4. Tom Holland

Try as he might, Tom Holland is a twink and always will be. He’ll be in his 80s and still read as a 16-year-old boy who no one respects, which is perfect for Link, who has saved the world a billion times and still has to do everyone else’s chores. The only problem is Tom Holland has taken a break from acting to focus on staring at himself in the mirror until he grows a beard.

3. Leonardo DiCaprio

The elder twink. The thinking man’s twink. A rugged, refined twink. Leo would make a great Link, especially in an Ocarina of Time type story where they travel back and forth in time. You could tell it’s young Link because Leo doesn’t have a five o’clock shadow and it’s older Link because he does have a five o’clock shadow. Filmmaking is really easy, guys!

2. Chris Evans as Scrawny Little Steve Rogers

There might be some legal loopholes they’d have to jump through to make this happen but the Twink-levels are off the charts.

1. Harry Styles

Mr. We Have David Bowie At Home has all the makings of a perfect Link: small, handsome and great on screen as long as he doesn’t talk.

Call of Duty Guns Ranked By Likelihood The Player Will be Banned for Hate Speech in First Week of Game

Posted on November 13, 2023November 19, 2025 by Hard Drive Reporter

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 offers a diverse arsenal – perhaps too diverse for the liking of some of the playerbase. But not all weapons are just dangerous in-game – some in particular seem to carry an unreasonable high risk of leading their users down the path of a PewDiePie-like heated gamer moment.

Hard Drive spoke to a team of social scientists who studied this issue and is proud to produce the first official record of which CoD guns increase the likelihood of players getting banned for hate speech.

1) MCW – 95% Likelihood

The MCW’s doesn’t just produce high damage but also the ability to somehow unleash players’ most heinous inner thoughts. It’s as if the weapon comes with a side of 4chan training, making its users prone to chat-related red cards.

“I don’t know how it happens,” player Alex “AlexDaGreat” Henderson. “As soon as I pick the MCW, I’ll be unemployed for 10 years”

2) Striker – 90% Likelihood

Fast, furious, and almost guaranteed to help players break some hate speech laws in the UK, the Striker is a gun choice for those with truly nothing to lose. Mute these players quick – or just the whole lobby.

3) Longbow – 85% Likelihood

Perfect for those who enjoy the quieter, more patient approach, until they’re caught off-guard and lash out in the voice chat, revealing their not-so-patient nature. Let’s hope no one is recording. Missed shots often translate into bizarre conspiracy theories about opponents’ alleged race and cultural proclivity for cheating, followed by a barrage of not-so-creative expletives. Avoid.

4) Renetti – 80% Likelihood

This gun literally has a “slur” attachment spot.

5) MTZ-556 – 75% Likelihood

People who use this gun are actually pretty progressive on race and seemingly approving of others.

Don’t ask them about women though.

6) BAS-B – 70% Likelihood

This is the gun your good ‘ol boy ex-roommate who always had a problem with “woke” commercials picks. You haven’t talked in a while but you approved his party invite. A few rounds in you hear him crack a beer. A few rounds after that and you hear all the insights and opinions that remind you why you don’t hang out anymore.

7) AMR9 – 65% Likelihood

AMR9 users have actually been noted to break into song mid-game, altering the lyrics of pop songs to include insults aimed at their opponent’s alleged ancestry.

They’d make perfect fodder for a T-Pain highlight reel killstreak.

8) Holger 26 – 60% Likelihood

Known for its high fire rate, the Holger 26 also seems to increase users’ “time until banning” and proclivity for impassioned speeches on in-game voice chat about the decline of modern civilization, peppered with unsavory theories of how we got there and how these fucking (CENSORED) players camping is part of it.

9) KV Inhibitor – 55% Likelihood

This is a weapon that kills you before you know what happened. Silent and deadly. Never saw it coming. Just like the threat of immigration, according to the brain wormed 14 year olds who choose this gun.

10) SVA-545 – 50% Likelihood

The SVA-545, while less likely to lead to bans, has a unique quirk. Its users occasionally hold their mics up against their cell phone speakers and play full length episodes of “Tucker Carlson on X.”

At press time, Call of Duty developers were considering adding a ‘mute player’ feature that automatically activates whenever certain weapons are selected, just to be safe.

Call of Duty MW3 Split Screen Guide: How To Play Split-Screen

Posted on November 12, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Split screen has been a long-standing feature in co-op/multiplayer FPS games over the years, and you might be wondering if it is available in Call of Duty MW3. Find out exactly which modes support split screen and what the requirements are, in this Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guide.

Does the MW3 Campaign Support Split-Screen?

The Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Campaign does not support split screen and it is unlikely it ever will, given that the narrative does not really lend itself to much of a meaty co-op experience.

Does Call of Duty MW3 Multiplayer Have Split Screen?

Split screen is fully supported for up to two players in multiplayer games, both local and online. Team Deathmatch, Capture The Flag, Domination, and every other multiplayer mode supports split screen, though some of them are only available in local multiplayer, aka custom matches. The step-by-step process for each console is detailed below.

Does MW3 Zombies Have Split-Screen?

Unfortunately, Modern Warfare Zombies does not support split screen, and there has been no claim nor rumor that the feature will ever be enabled as of the writing of this post.

How To Play Split Screen On Xbox

With Player 1 logged-in on an Xbox profile and a controller, go to Call of Duty HQ and have Player 2 sign-in with their own Xbox profile using a second controller. Then press the <A> button to join split screen when the prompt appears in the top-right corner. A second fullscreen prompt will appear, for Player 2 to login to or create an Activision account. Once that’s done, note the overlapping circles in the top-right corner of Call of Duty HQ. You can view your party by clicking-in the right thumbstick.

Local multiplayer can be accessed from one screen down, using the tile on the far right labeled Private Match/Custom Match. This mode does NOT require Xbox Game Pass Core (formerly known as Xbox Live Gold). Private matches can be fully customized to your heart’s content.

Online multiplayer can be accessed from the Multiplayer tile as well as on the Call of Duty HQ main screen, but both accounts require Xbox Game Pass Core (formerly known as Xbox Live Gold), which is the basic tier of Microsoft’s multiplayer subscription service for Xbox. If you’d like to use Quick Play to find suitable matches quickly in split screen mode, use the Playlist Filter function to deselect any Game Mode with a maximum party size of one, such as Free-For-All.

How to Play CoD MW3 Split Screen on PlayStation

With Player 1 logged-in on a PlayStation profile and a controller, go to Call of Duty HQ and have Player 2 sign-in with their own PlayStation profile using a second controller. Then press the <X> button to join split screen when the prompt appears in the top-right corner. A second fullscreen prompt will appear, for Player 2 to login to or create an Activision account. Once that’s done, note the overlapping circles in the top-right corner of Call of Duty HQ. You can view your party by clicking-in the right thumbstick.

Local multiplayer can be accessed from one screen down, using the tile on the far right labeled Private Match/Custom Match. This mode does NOT require PlayStation Plus. Private matches can be fully customized to your heart’s content.

Online multiplayer can be accessed from the Multiplayer tile as well as on the Call of Duty HQ main screen, but both accounts require PlayStation Plus Essential, which is the basic tier of Sony’s multiplayer subscription service for PlayStation. If you’d like to use Quick Play to find suitable matches quickly in split screen mode, use the Playlist Filter function to deselect any Game Mode with a maximum party size of one, such as Free-For-All.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guides on how to type in game chat, what carries over from MW2, and how to play in third person.

Ed Boon Reveals He Meant to Add Terence Fletcher to ‘Mortal Kombat 1’ Instead of Omni-Man

Posted on November 12, 2023 by Parker Johnson

After Omni-Man’s release in Mortal Kombat 1, creator Ed Boon has since sheepishly admitted that he meant to add Terence Fletcher from hit film Whiplash instead.

“Yeah, this one’s on me,” Boon said in an interview. “I never said a character’s name specifically. I just called up JK Simmons and asked him to come act for ‘the most brutal character he’s ever portrayed.’ I thought we’d be on the same page about who that was, but, obviously, that wasn’t the case.”

The writers on staff at Netherrealm Studios were caught just as off guard as Boon.

“I wasted so much time writing pre-fight dialogue for Fletcher,” said writer Marcus Greene. “So much in there that no one will ever get to see now. We even had special dialogue for when he wins via timeout where he said ‘not quite my tempo’ to the opponent. It would’ve been such a fun callback for fans of Whiplash, but I guess this Omni-Man guy is fine, too.”

“Really, I just wanted to see a fatality where he decapitated a guy with a cymbal,” Greene concluded somberly.

The actor behind Invincible‘s Omni-Man, JK Simmons, even expressed a bit of disappointment himself.

“Of course when he said ‘your most brutal character,’ my mind went to Omni-Man. He did kill everyone on a subway to prove a point to his son, so that one’s 100% on Boon for the confusion,” Simmons said. “But now that I have the idea of a Fletcher appearance in Mortal Kombat in my head I can’t get it out. Is there a way I can pay them to do that?”

At press time, Netherrealm Studios reportedly fast-tracked plans to instead feature Fletcher in Kombat Pack 2, alongside the addition of Miles Teller’s Andrew Neiman as a Kameo fighter.

Advanced Mathematics Degree Required to Read Next Kingdom Hearts Spin-Off Title

Posted on November 12, 2023 by Alex McMillan

TOKYO — Kingdom Hearts creator Tetsuya Nomura has announced that the next game in the Kingdom Hearts franchise will be titled Kingdom Hearts: Sum of the First 50 Primes To The Power of The Floor Function of Pi.

“I’m sure some fans can probably guess what the story will entail based on the title alone,” joked Nomura, fumbling with a calculator. “But rest assured, there are a lot more surprises to come!”

Rumors of the game have been swirling for months, but details of the gameplay and storyline of the spin-off remain unclear, with industry insiders suggesting that developers are concerned about a western release.

“Mr. Nomura has been absolutely adamant about the title of this game, but many higher ups at Square Enix are worried about the meaning being lost on English-speaking markets,” said ResetEra tipster ApricotSqueeze. “Tetsuya apparently wrote a 50-page thesis explaining the title’s relevance to the plot, but all of the executives are too scared to attempt even reading it.”

Fans of the series have been adamant that the title must be retained in the English translation and have been taking appropriate action ahead of the game’s release.

“I applied for an Undergraduate Mathematics degree as soon as the news leaked, and I got my acceptance letter from Georgia Tech just yesterday,” said Kingdom Hearts fan Charlie Toland. “Obviously I’m nervous about moving to Atlanta, and the college payments aren’t going to be cheap, but some things are more important than financial stability or your own home.”

At press time, Square Enix have announced their intention to provide scholarships to Kingdom Hearts fans to keep up with the rising levels of subtitle complexity.