CoD MW3 Zombies Just a List of People Who Bought the Game

LOS ANGELES — The online gaming community is reeling after players eager to dive into the much-anticipated Zombies Mode (MWZ) in the new Call of Duty were met not with the historically popular game mode but instead with a PDF file listing the names of individuals who purchased the game.

Zombies Mode, a staple of the franchise known for its cooperative play and challenging scenarios, was expected to make up a meaningful part of the community’s play time. However, gamers who accessed early copies of MW3 found themselves redirected to a document categorizing them as “still braindead enough to keep buying this,” according to player Joe “T_Bagz_u420” Larenzo.

“They even had a picture of me with a big red stamp over it that said ‘MORON,’” Larenzo said. “Isn’t that some kind of privacy violation or something?”

Sources close to the development team suggest that this unorthodox strategy is the result of extensive market research. The data reportedly indicates that the Call of Duty fanbase, known for its loyalty and enthusiasm, would reliably invest in each new installment, regardless of its actual content or value.

Feelings of betrayal and disappointment have been widespread among longtime Call of Duty players.

“I’ve been a dedicated fan since World At War. This feels like a slap in the face. It’s a shock,” stated one disillusioned gamer. “But honestly even if I’d known I would have still have bought it.”

The contentious PDF file also seems to specifically highlight those who pre-ordered the game, a decision that has left many questioning the company’s intentions.

In response to requests for comment, an Activision representative offered a dismissive retort: “What are you gonna do? Cry?”

At press time gaming forums and social media platforms are erupting with speculation and debate, with some posturing if the “woke mind virus” is to blame.

“Let’s Get the Old CoD Clan Back Together!” Texts Only Remaining Guy In Friend Group Without Kids

Norfolk, VA — With the release of Modern Warfare III, 33-year-old Clayton Rhimes is hoping to get his old Call of Duty clan back together, despite him being the only one remaining who is not a busy and broke parent now, texted sources confirmed.

“We used to absolutely dominate COD search and destroy lobbies. Our clan tag was PWNd – pretty cool, right?,” reminisced Rhimes when asked for comment. “But when I hit up the groupchat there’s nothing but crickets. One guy just left without saying anything.”

Lonny West, a former member of PWNd who received a text from Rhimes, admits he didn’t even recognize the number at first when he was asked to ‘hop on MWIII.’

“I legit haven’t heard from that dude in like a decade. I thought it was one of those spam bots,” said West, now a corporate tax attorney. “Then it all came rushing back to me. Our MW2 clan, those all-nighters we used to pull, quickscoping on Rust! Man, I wish I didn’t have a career or anyone who loves me for who I really am so I could play all day, just like Clay.”

Rhimes, who texted 12 people, said he’s yet to find anyone to play with from his old clan.

“I didn’t realize everyone in PWNd sold out. Back when we were grinding for gold gun skins and hitting 10th prestige we promised each other we’d be bigger than FaZe,” he said. “Now these guys just want to talk about mortgage rates.”

At press time, Rhimes was seen texting the one guy from high school who they didn’t let join the clan because his KD ratio was under 1.5.

Fed Up COD Fan Only Buying Standard Edition, Battlepass, and CDL Team This Time

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Longtime COD fan and sunk-cost fallacy enthusiast Elmer Welsh is paring down his yearly Call of Duty expenditures after yet another disappointing release, multiple sources confirmed.

“I’m sick of this. How many years in a row can they give us the same game with fewer features and not expect consequences?” said Welsh, while entering his credit card info into Battlenet. “After I pre-purchase all 100 tiers of the battle pass, I’m done spending money on this game until season two. If they keep this up, my significant investment into the soon to be burgeoning Vegas Legion will have been wasted. I wish COD would go back to its roots, wherein I’m somehow a child escaping the reality of my parents’ divorce again.”

Welsh’s game duo, Anton Knight, had some choice words for his friend when asked by reporters.

“I tried everything. It didn’t have to be this way.” said Knight, while loading a revolver like he’s George from Of Mice and Men. “At some point you have to just cut the cord. Like, the Call of Duty league waived their $25 million dollar league entry fee, but he paid it anyway ‘for the culture.’”

Alicia Campbell, head of psychology at UCLA, said what Welsh was going through was not an uncommon phenomenon in her clinic. In June of last year, she wrote the leading academic paper on the topic.

“Showing your son the ‘No Russian’ mission at 9 years old essentially severs the logic center of the brain,” she explained. “And there’s real debate amongst health professionals about what could happen to society if each CoD release keeps getting worse.”

We may have already gone too far to change course, she warned.

At press time, Welsh was 4-26 in team deathmatch using the most flamboyant, ugliest $30 gun camo imaginable.

PATHETIC: Upcoming ‘Overcooked’ Sequel Won’t Have Dedicated Servers

Here we go again. The last bastion of hope for America poofed out of existence by the powers that be. Back in my day, restaurants took the time and money to invest in dedicated servers to make their customers, namely me because I don’t care about anyone else, happy. The servers themselves even took pride in their work, but nobody wants to work anymore! Buncha money hungry freeloaders if you ask me, even though no one did.

I’ve watched Overcooked playthroughs on YouTube, and it looks easy. You just look at the order and sprint around the kitchen at 110% for your entire shift with no breaks. Oh, so what, now you have to be paid a living wage to try at your job? I worked for 40 years at my father’s company and tried day in and day out for about 30 minutes out of the day like a real man. I earned my pension. 

Ya know what, it’s probably because all of these woke hiring requirements nowadays. Not a SINGLE server I’ve seen in Overcooked even has legs. What the hell is up with that? How do you expect America to succeed when you give all the jobs to a bunch of Fisher-Price-Little-People-toy-looking motherfuckers? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I tell it like it is from my perspective and no one else’s.

These liberal game devs need to get their shit together and run their business the right way, by misappropriating relief funds to give their CEO a bonus. THAT is what will bring people back to work, in my very not humble opinion. If they can’t figure out how to get dedicated servers into the game by release, I mean, I’m still gonna buy it, but I won’t be happy about it. If even a single server who doesn’t know what they’re doing makes a mistake with my very complicated order, I won’t be tipping.

Hold on, I’m getting a call from my editor. Be right back.

UPDATE: Okay, turns out I didn’t fully know exactly, precisely what ‘dedicated servers’ means, but I’m not gonna change the article just because I made a mistake. I’ve already earned my paycheck for the day. It would be unfair to punish me for that now.

Top 20 Tracks to Lap Your Friends on in ‘Mario Kart 8 Deluxe’

The final wave of DLC for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe is here, and while not everyone’s favorite tracks made the cut (rest in peace Airship Fortress) there are still some damn good ones out there. Here are the top 20 tracks in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe to race around in circles on with your friends.

#20 — Piranha Plant Slide

Diving in with what is objectively the best track that takes place inside a Mushroom Kingdom water treatment plant, Piranha Plant Slide won’t crack many top ten lists, but it still deserves some love. Plus it’s a loving homage to the underground levels from Super Mario Bros. Kind of.

#19 — Shy Guy Falls

A perfect proof of concept for Mario Kart 8’s anti-gravity feature. Leave behind your Mario Circuits, your Toad Harbors, your Wario Stadiums. Let’s make like salmon and drive up a goddamn waterfall. 

#18 — Yoshi Valley

In preparation for this article we sent our intern down to Yoshi Valley to figure out what the most optimal path through this clusterfuck is, but we haven’t heard from him in a few days. Jared, if you’re out there, stay strong. And stay away from the giant rotating Yoshi egg, whatever you do.

#17 — Superbell Subway

There’s plenty of Mario Kart tracks where you have to weave in and out of traffic, but only one where you’re drifting between two subway cars like some tweaked out New Yorker. Try not to delay commuters by ramming into the train with a bullet bill.

#16 — Big Blue

One giant track so loaded up with boost pads and conveyor belts that your ass will be clenched the entire ride, almost like you’re vying for first place in F-Zero 99. Impressive, but (spoiler alert) we think there’s another giant track that does it just a little bit better.

#15 — Moo Moo Meadows

Probably the least exciting pick on the list, but come on. Wouldn’t you give it all up to drive go karts around a farm at sunset? If you don’t like Moo Moo Meadows you have a problem. Or maybe you just never got a Wii as a kid. Sorry.

#14 — DK Mountain

DK Mountain is for real gamers. This one starts off by shooting you right out of a goddamn canon. Then it’s a race back down to the finish line. Watch out for falling boulders and some seriously unforgiving turns that are more than happy to launch you off a cliff. 

#13 — Dolphin Shoals

Make sure to wear protection while racing in Dolphin Shoals, because that saxophone lick might just get you pregnant. Oh, and hitting boosts off the giant eel is pretty fun too.

#12 — Grumble Volcano

Grumble Volcano doesn’t want you here. Fuck around and you will find out. Balls of fire are raining down. The track literally crumbles around you. By lap three, things have fallen apart more than my last relationship. 

#11 — Music Park

A 3DS banger, Music Park is a tight track that’ll have you drifting along pianos and bouncing off of drums. Along the final straightaway, you can hit some extra jump boosts, but only if you can keep a beat. Super Mario Bros. Wonder trained me for this moment.

#10 — Yoshi Circuit

What is likely the result of some poor game designer who had to come up with one more idea before lunch, Yoshi Circuit is just a track shaped like Yoshi, and miraculously, it works. It’s the kind of genius/stupid idea that I love Nintendo for. An answer to the age old question: “What if it was Yoshi?” 

#9 — Ribbon Road

A remake of the GBA track, but not really, because Ribbon Road takes the original concept and blows it wide open. It’s the Ship of Theseus of Mario Kart. So much has changed, can you really call it the same track?

#8 — Bowser’s Castle

Bowser’s Castle goes hard, but you knew that already. The music rules, there’s lasers, lava, and a giant Bowser statue punching the track like a straight college kid who just got cheated on.

#7 — Wild Woods

Wild Woods has nothing to prove. No flashy gimmicks, no eye popping set pieces, just a perfectly executed track that you’ll never get tired of. Hit that drift down the waterslide just right, and ascend.

#6 — Animal Crossing

Is it fair for Animal Crossing to get such a high ranking when it’s basically four tracks in one? Not really. But it’s also not fair how much my little nephew brags about being good at Mario Kart even though I secretly turn on the steering assist for him. That’s life. 

#5 — Yoshi’s Island

The newest track on this list, Yoshi’s Island has only been around since March but has 200cc’d its way to the near top. There’s custom coins with Yoshi’s face on them, Shy Guys standing on stilts, and a secret sky bridge. It’s pure delight cooked down to a race track.

#4 — Baby Park

I know, Baby Park sucks. I hear you. But do you remember that one time? You invited a few friends over to play four player Mario Kart. It took awhile to connect all the controllers. Someone picked the Crossing Cup, and the war was on. Everyone was screaming by the end of lap two. Baby Park became a battlefield, bombarded with green shells, banana peels and boomerangs. And it was a mess. A beautiful mess. 

#3 — Mount Wario

Mount Wario isn’t the only giant race track with no laps, it just does it the best. Unlike N64 Rainbow Road or Big Blue, Mount Wario didn’t set out to be a showstopper, but it is anyway. There’s so many ideas crammed in here: the ski slopes, the dam, the forest. You couldn’t fit it all in a normal sized track if you tried. Combine that with custom music for each section, and you have one of the greatest of all time. But we still have two to go.

#2 — SNES Rainbow Road

We’ve traveled along many Rainbow Roads since, but none have passed the original. Not much has changed here since 1992, just a gorgeous upgrade to HD. With only 90 degree turns and not a guardrail in sight, it’s go-kart heaven. Except there are no gods up here, only rainbow thwomps. 

#1 — Cheese Land

It was always Cheese Land. A total rehaul of the GBA track, Cheese Land is Nintendo choosing fun. Take a shortcut through a giant wedge of cheddar, hit a speed boost off the holes of swiss, just go ahead and fly over the entire third section if you want. Completely unrecognizable from the original, Cheese Land fulfills the promise of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe: take the old, and turn it into something new. And put giant slices of pizza in the background.

Rockstar Announces ‘GTA 6’ Came Out 4 Months Ago and They Forgot to Tell Anyone

NEW YORK — Earlier today, Rockstar Games announced that Grand Theft Auto VI was actually released to the public several months ago, and their marketing department just forgot to tell anyone about it.

“The game’s been out longer than Red Dead Redemption remastered,” confirmed Sam Houser, president of Rockstar Games. “We were all pretty surprised when no one was talking about it. Was everyone too busy bitching about Starfield or something?”

The most recent entry in the Grand Theft Auto series has generated years of hype among fans, yet it’s been collecting dust on store shelves for some time now.

GTA 6 is the culmination of a decade’s worth of hard work, and we all just assumed no one gave a shit,” confessed designer Leslie Benzies. “I’ve always thought that the franchise would become irrelevant at some point, but this seemed much faster than we were expecting.” 

Sources within the notoriously laid back company say that management is being very cool about the whole thing.

“It’s whatever,” said Houser. “This stuff happens. The important thing is that no one’s feelings get hurt.” 

At press time, disappointed gamers lamented the fact that they could have been killing anonymous virtual prostitutes this whole time.

Call of Duty MW3 Third Person Guide: How To Play 3rd Person

Call of Duty MW3 brings back third-person mode, allowing players to finally admire their own operator and any skins they’ve unlocked. While limited to Zombies at this time, it may well be possible that 3rd person eventually makes its way to Multiplayer, perhaps in rotating playlists or a season update, though nothing is certain as of yet. Find out how to switch camera perspectives in this Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guide.

How To Switch To Third-Person On Controller in MW3

Holding down on the <Down> button on the D-Pad will switch perspectives smoothly and instantly at any time during gameplay.

How To Switch To Third-Person With Mouse & Keyboard

Press Esc to access the Pause menu, and switch between first-person and third-person on the right.

https://twitter.com/WarzoneTFN/status/1722601176846283216

3rd Person FOV Settings in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3

The field of view settings for the third-person camera can be found in:

  • Settings
  • Graphics
  • View Tab
  • Field Of View Section
  • 3rd Person Field Of View

The slider has a fairly large range, but keep in mind that an overly wide FOV will impact performance and frame rate.

Note that there isn’t a scope view for weapons at all from the third-person perspective, unlike games like Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint. You will have to rely entirely on the onscreen reticle for aiming in this mode. Your best bet is to lean on third-person for map traversal, and switch swiftly back to first-person when zombie guts hit the fan.

At this time, there is an occasional glitch while switching perspectives, leading to your operator being headless, though this is a purely graphical bug and has no impact on your ability to massacre zombies.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guides on advanced movement in multiplayer, including aiming while sliding, slide cancels, & drop shots.

Call of Duty MW3 Drop Shot Guide: How To Dropshot

With the new emphasis on mobility and maneuverability in Call of Duty MW3, drop shots are still a viable method to take corners or catch pursuers by surprise, without also taking too much incoming fire. This Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide will detail the ideal settings, as well as how and when to do a drop shot correctly.

Best Settings For Drop Shot In Call of Duty MW3

On a controller, set up your button layout so that you don’t have to take a thumb off of your aim stick in order to go prone.

  • Settings
  • Controller
  • Controller Tab
  • Inputs Section
  • Edit Button Layout
  • Button Layout Preset: Tactical

Both this and some of the other Tactical layouts will allow you to click the right stick to go prone, instead of the face buttons in the default and similar layouts, thus keeping both your thumbs in position to move and aim.

If you have a claw grip or make use of a controller with extra rear buttons or paddles, this won’t be an issue. Mouse & keyboard has no such impediments, of course.

While not a setting, you may want to use the Tactical Pads boots (which are also helpful to help you aim while sliding) to further enhance your stance transition speed when entering drop shot.

COD MW3 How To Drop Shot

Drop shotting is as simple as going prone, and immediately aiming down the sight. The trick is timing it so that you break the enemy’s aim assist, and using it in the right situations. You can viably use it at the end of a sprint or a slide, in a pinch.

Drop shot can be used instead of slide canceling while taking corners, and in scenarios where you don’t want to or can’t sprint first. When used near a corner, the drop shot will let you head peek and then scuttle away from fire before you take too much damage. It also provides the opportunity to perform the snake advanced maneuver immediately after, if there is cover of a suitable height in proximity.

If you watch the animation closely during drop shots, you will notice that your off hand does fall away from the weapon briefly, but this will not affect the centering of your aim, allowing you to maintain a consistent bead on enemy heads.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide on how to slide cancel, which you can perform right before drop shotting for an advanced combo maneuver that can break auto aim long enough for you to get the kill.

Call of Duty MW3 Slide Cancel Guide: How To Slide Cancel

The slide cancel technique makes a return in Call of Duty MW3 and is an essential maneuver in the playbook of pro MW3 players. Taking corners right into the gun sights of enemy players is made much less dangerous, and may even gain you the advantage if you can find heads, while simultaneously breaking their aim assist. This Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide will walk you through the buttons and settings you need to perform slide canceling perfectly.

COD MW3 How To Slide Cancel

Slide canceling is a simple two-step move performed while sprinting, using two buttons. Slide. Jump. The latter is initiated at any point before the end of the slide, even a split second after starting it, if need be. What this will look like, is you initiating a slide for a bit, then exiting it using jump in order to speed up your return to the upright stance from where you can keep moving, or even begin sprinting again after a brief delay. This is a change from previous iterations of slide canceling, where you would have to slide, slide again, and then jump. While you can still do that, it is much slower than this new method.

Keep in mind that this maneuver is intended to disrupt the enemy’s aim assist that would otherwise instantly lock onto you. Using it for more generalized map traversal, as of the writing of this post, might not be viable since it briefly disallows sprinting after the slide cancel.

Slide cancel can be enhanced with the Tactical Pads boots, which also help you aim while sliding, and there are several game settings you can also use to improve your slide canceling.

How To Disable Dolphin Dive in MW3

With a default controller layout, sliding and diving are both bound to the same button. The newest iteration of Call of Duty Modern Warfare introduces some possibilities to change that behavior. Go to:

  • Settings
  • Controller
  • Gameplay Tab
  • Movement Behaviors Section
  • Slide/Dive Behavior: Slide Only

Every slide cancel will now be much more responsive because the game is no longer anticipating your potential use of dive. On mouse & keyboard, this won’t ever be a factor, since slide and dive can be bound to distinct keys. This can technically be done on controllers as well, but requires the use of third-party software.

Other Settings

In the same section as above, make sure to set the following:

  • Automatic Sprint: Automatic Tactical Sprint
  • Grounded Mantle: Off
  • Automatic Airborne Mantle: Off
  • Automatic Ground Mantle/Hang: Off
  • Ledge Climb Behavior: Mantle Only
  • Slide Cancel Sprint: On

Automatic Tactical Sprint cuts down on the button presses needed to perform a smooth slide cancel. Disabling any kind of automatic mantling behavior keeps you out of situations where control is taken away from you unexpectedly, and causing you to expose yourself to fire. Canceling a sprint by initiating a slide is a given, of course.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide on how to drop shot, which you can combine with slide canceling and keep your reticle centered and ready to fire at all times.

Call of Duty MW3 Slide Aim Guide: How To Aim While Sliding

Mobility is the name of the game in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, and any move that can break your opponent’s aim assist is your best bet at winning a firefight whether 1v1 or even 1v2. This Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide will describe how to aim while sliding.

Tactical Pads: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Boots

These boots are the only footwear that grant you the ability to fully aim down the sights while sliding when equipped.

Additionally, the Tactical Pads will increase the slide distance, making all the difference in combat situations whether you’re closing the distance on an enemy, or sprinting towards cover under fire.

The increased stance transition speed as well as movement speed while crouched, makes equipping the Tactical Pads ideal for performing several other advanced player moves such as slide canceling, drop shots, and snaking.

Most importantly of all, your weapon will not be in the canted position (off to the side) after sliding and aiming down the sight. This elimination of the brief delay in having your weapon fully at the ready can make all the difference in a firefight as well.

COD MW3 Best Boots: Covert Sneakers versus Tactical Pads

While most players will favor the Covert Sneakers for silent footsteps, the Tactical Pads are the choice of advanced players in Modern Warfare 3, for the massive improvement to mobility and maneuverability it affords.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide on how to slide cancel, which you can then combine with this ability for an advanced maneuver that can get the drop on anyone that’s around a corner attempting to ambush you.

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