“Shots Fired 293 North, He’s One-Shot, Hitting Me With DMR, Gonna Push,” Shouts 35-Year-Old Man Battling Child in Fortnite

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Local Fortnite player Lyle Lennon, 35, reportedly shouted several positional call-outs to squadmates during a game of Zero Build Squads today, not realizing he was battling a child, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Shots north, Vegeta on me. Pushing now, hit him for 100, hit him for 50, shields cracked—agh, I’m down! He’s one shot! He’s one shot! On me, on me, on me!” Lennon shouted over Discord chat to three of his college roommates from 2006, unknowingly sweating it out with a 6-year-old playing on his phone while his father drove him home from soccer practice. “Nice fucking kill, bro. Dumbass tried to kamehameha! People are so goddamn stupid. Res me, res me.”

A man plays Fortnite in darkness on a PC computer.
Lennon’s call-outs proved to be crucial in his squad’s battle against the child they were facing off against.

Asked about the battle, 6-year-old Samuel Hurley said he was just happy to get to play the game.

“I like Fortnite. It has all my friends,” Hurley explained. “When you shoot at the bad guys sometimes they disappear. But sometimes you disappear. I like the guns that are blue because blue is my favorite color. Sometimes it’s hard to see the game because my daddy drives so bumpy hehehe.”

“OK I think it’s time for somebody to get home and eat some dinner!” said Hurley’s father. 

According to Lennon’s squadmate Elaina Pemberton, the team is just casually dipping its toes back into Fortnite.

“We took a long break from Fortnite because the building got so ridiculous. So we played a ton of Apex and Warzone, but the no-building mode really changed the game for us, so we’re back in it,” said Pemberton. “It’s nice not having to grind out battles with a bunch of tryhards. We just look up the gun and item tier lists before we play each day to make sure we’re on top of the meta and watch a lot of streamers so we know all the best locations and tricks. From there, it’s a pretty casual game! We’ve been wracking up the dubs too — turns out we’re pretty good at this game. I don’t know if it’s the decades of playing shooters together or the fact that we’re all on high-end gaming PCs or what, but I’m guessing it’s just a skill thing.”

At press time, the squad reportedly found themselves caught in a major argument after placing second due to losing a fight with a squad full of high schoolers.

‘The Wizard of Oz’ Digital Remaster Finally Adds Dead Actor Swinging From Tree in Background

Posted on by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — A new digital remaster of The Wizard of Oz has finally digitally added the  dead actor swinging from a rope in the background from the urban legend, sources have confirmed.

“Finally, Victor Fleming’s vision is complete,” said Arnold Rutherford, a film historian in charge of the film’s restoration. “There has been a rumor for decades that an actor portraying a munchkin hung himself on set, and that it can actually be seen in the background of the finished film. The truth is that the director of photography missed that shot, and Fleming never forgave him. The same people that swear they’ve seen it are the same ones that swear they show Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box at the end of Se7en. It’s just good film-making that makes you think you saw it, but it was never actually in there.” 

“But now it’s in there for real,” he added. “You can totally see a dead guy in the background now.” 

Cinephiles rejoiced as the long rumored detail was finally included.

“I can’t believe they finally put the dead munchkin in Oz,” said Al Maginsky, an outspoken Twitter user that focuses on film. “If we didn’t somehow bully HBO into putting the Snyder Cut up last year I’d say it’s the craziest thing we’ve pulled off in a while. A lot of people have asked me what’s next, and I think it’s clear that the only place to go from here is The Butthole Cut of Cats!” 

However, others have argued that the process was unnecessary and insist that the often repeated urban legend is true. 

“No, that’s totally in there,” said Todd Maginsky, Al’s dickhead older brother. “That’s no bullshit. You can fuckin’ see it. Me and Dave and Dave were over at Dave’s stepdad’s house and he fuckin’ showed it to us. Dude just fuckin’ hanging there in the background. They say he did it because he loved the guy in the lion costume but he was already married to one of the witch ladies. Or something. I don’t fucking know. Get out of my room.” 

As of press time, HBO Max had pulled the new restoration of The Wizard of Oz from its platform with no immediate plans to reupload it.

Hey, Welcome to Hard Drive! Need Help Finding Anything or Just Looking Around?

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

Hey! Welcome to Hard Drive! Need help finding anything or just looking around? My name’s Regis, if you have any questions or assistance, but most people call ‘Reg,’ or ‘the Reginator,’ haha. 

We mostly do articles here, but you probably already knew that. Have you seen this one yet? It’s one of my favorites. Oh and you gotta check this one out. I’ve been reading it all day. People think we only write about video games, but we actually write about a ton of stuff across the nerd and pop culture ecosystem/zeitgeist, you know? Anyway, I would definitely consider clicking on the link and reading the whole thing, because that’s how we keep the lights on. But most people think we only do headlines, which is crazy haha. Sorry, are you just browsing? That’s cool, that’s cool. I actually used to think Bowser from Mario was called Browser for a few years when I was a little kid. Isn’t that funny?

Oh, we also sell merch! It’s pretty rad too, might I add. Like this one here: it’s a beer koozie that says “Banjo-Koozie” on it. Like the game! I took mine to the beach this summer, and my friends said it was pretty cool. There’s also this t-shirt we’ve got that says “I’d Rather be Playing SEGA Bass Fishing,” but I don’t think I need to spell that one out for you if you’re a gamer like me — and I think you are. Video games are so sick.

If you’re in the mood for something different, we just opened up Minus World. We’re actually starting to write up some guides there, too. I’m starting to get into the MultiVersus scene, and this one’s been pretty helpful for me. If only I could get my girlfriend to start playing the game, too, but she’s not really into games which can kind of be a bummer, not gonna lie. Hell, sometimes she won’t even admit she’s my girlfriend. She’s such a tease! Sorry, sorry, I know you said you were just looking around. I’ll leave you alone.

Oh, and you should definitely check out our socials! We’ve got a discord that’s pretty insane, if you wanna hang out with other members of the community. It’s freaking crazy over there with the memes sometimes. I actually met a buddy of mine through there and we’re gonna hang out soon, but he lives in Tampa, so I’m thinking about flying down there for Labor Day weekend. We’re also active on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, too. 

What else, what else…

Oh yeah! Here’s a bunch of other cool stuff we’ve got going on at the moment:

VIDEO — If you prefer your HD content in video format. They don’t call ‘em written games, right? They call ‘em video games. That’s just a little joke I like to say around here.

REVIEWS — What can I say, we like to stay up-to-date with the newest releases haha. We even just did one about that new Kirby game. It’s pretty cool if you like little kid stuff, I guess. I’m more into more brutal games like Shin Megami Tensei. But actually I tried the Kirby game and it’s pretty cool too.

TWITCH — We’ve been streaming video games on there when we’re around. It’s a pretty good time. I don’t think I need to spell that one out for you if you’re a gamer like me — and I think you are. Sorry, did I say that already? They told me I’m supposed to say that.

That’s pretty much it! You can let the guy at the front know that Reg helped you out today. And if you’re interested, we have a Rewards card—wait where are you going? Come back!

Steam Activity Page Reveals Which Friends Going Through Rough Patch

Posted on by Kyle Erf

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Valve has revealed that in addition to monitoring your own play habits and records, their activity page can also be a great way to see which friends of yours are going through a rough patch. 

“It’s really not hard once you know what to look for,” said Gabe Newell, president of Valve. “Are they buying games but still just playing something that clearly brings them a sense of nostalgic happiness? Boom, there you go. Be on the lookout for your friends to sink into games that don’t so much provide fun as they do a way to escape a couple more dark and lonely hours on this Earth. Stuff like that!” 

Many gamers have since confirmed the effectiveness of the tactic Newell spoke of. 

“Oh yeah, you have to keep an eye on your friends,” said Rod Eisenhauer, who spoke of a similar experience. “I saw that my boy Nate was playing Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time every night for like three fucking weeks and I was like, ‘Okay, that games fun, but what’s going on, bro?’ I went and checked in on him and yeah, he had just found out his parents were getting a divorce. Suddenly all he plays is shit from 2003.” 

Some gamers maintained that their eclectic tastes are not a reflection of any larger issues going on in their lives. 

“Naw, I’m totally fine,” insisted Tyler Holton, a gamer that disagreed with Newell’s assertion. “I can’t help it if I get overwhelmed by all of my modern gaming options and really just life in general and end up booting Stardew Valley up to go stand around in the woods in a way that won’t get me sick. I think that’s fairly normal behavior, don’t you?” 

As of press time, Valve revealed the friends of yours that set their activity to private are the ones you should be especially worried about.

Masahiro Sakurai’s YouTube Channel Reveals What Was Inside Those Eggs

Posted on by Kevin Podas

TOKYO — Legendary game designer and creator of the Kirby series and Super Smash Bros. Masahiro Sakurai recently launched his personal YouTube channel titled “Masahiro Sakurai on Creating Games,” in which he shares insights into the gaming industry, such as what was inside that dog’s weird eggs in the HAL Laboratory logo.

“Hello, everyone! People ask me this question all the time,” began Sakurai in his latest video. “What are inside those dog’s eggs in our company logo? Who is that dog? Why does a dog have eggs? Yes, all very interesting questions indeed…”

The video quickly cut to a diagram of the inside of a dog’s body.

“As you can see here, it is impossible for a dog to lay eggs,” explained Sakurai in a voice-over. “While some mammals can in fact lay eggs, a dog is simply unable to do so. So when I worked at HAL, we all thought it would be funny to imagine such a thing, until my wife brought our dog into the office one day, who shockingly produced three white eggs.”

The video cut back to a stern-looking Sakurai, addressing the audience directly from his living room.

“We had no choice but to nurse the animal, as it had some sort of mental hold over us,” stated Sakurai. “We found a pile of hay for it to lay on, and it commanded our every action for the next several months. It’s hard to describe in words exactly what did eventually hatch from those eggs, but for everyone wondering what the explanation was for the eldritch horror-style final bosses in Kirby games… well there’s your answer.”

Sakurai’s fans responded to the news with joy that the age-old mystery was finally solved.

“I’m just glad it wasn’t three Fire Emblem characters,” said one commenter. “That would have really pissed me off.”

“Did the eldritch beasts that came from the dog eggs also force him to add tripping to Brawl?” said another. “Just saying.”

“OK I am 100% sure that he’s making up this story and actually referencing the fact that Dr. Eggman from Sonic will be the first character revealed in the next Smash Bros. games,” said a third commenter. “In fact, I think we’re getting a trailer within the next week.”

At press time, Sakurai was seen entering a shrine and offering sacrificial eggs to the dog on its altar of worship, doomed to live in perpetual fear of the beast he had created in jest.

Leaked Internal Sega Memo Confirms Tails Has Two Buttholes

Posted on by Tim Graham

TOKYO — Newly revealed documents dating back to the early 1990s substantiate the long-running rumor that Sonic the Hedgehog’s vulpine sidekick Tails has two buttholes, according to an anonymous leaker at Sega.

“Sega has tried for years to keep this under wraps, but I felt that Sonic fans deserved to finally know the truth,” said the whistleblower, wearing a Sonic mask to protect their identity. “Sega made a bold character design choice early on, and then tried to walk it back out of fear that Western audiences just wouldn’t get it. There were clues, however, and rumors have circulated within the fan community for decades. Now, fans can rest easy knowing they were absolutely correct.”

Tails’ creator, the ordinarily press-shy Yasushi Yamagauchi, was finally able to come clean about the butthole situation after the leaked memo surfaced.

“Because of Tails’ unique anatomy, there were fundamental questions that needed to be addressed,” said Yamaguchi. “Miles ‘Tails’ Prower has two tails, yes? Now try to imagine how silly it would look if there were only one butthole beneath two tails. The absurd image makes me chuckle, ha ha. How could such a thing even be possible? The executives pushed back, but I was insistent. I threatened to resign if I didn’t get my way — that’s how passionate I was about this detail. They finally agreed that the two buttholes would be canon, but have since refused to depict them in a clear manner, usually obscuring the character’s bottom with his fluffy tails.”

Sonic super-fans such as Georgia Fink feel vindicated now that the long-rumored “Double-B” theory has been proven correct.

“I fucking knew it,” said Fink. “My Discord group and I have spent countless hours up-rezzing 16-bit sprites and scouring old gaming magazines, gathering evidence. The red pill for me was a scan of a grainy polaroid from the ’90s that was passed around on the forums. It shows a young Yamagauchi sitting at a terminal, working on an early Tails sprite whose rear end certainly appears to have two buttholes. It’s blurry, but it’s there. Sega gaslit us; they called us crazy, obsessive and even perverted. But who’s laughing now?”

At press time, fan artists around the world were reportedly struggling to keep up with skyrocketing demand for erotic Tails commissions.

Dynasty Warriors Movie Casts First 4,000 People

Posted on by Max Barth

LOS ANGELES — Following an internal announcement that the casting department had reached the important milestone sooner than expected, sources say that the adaptation of popular video game franchise Dynasty Warriors has hit the ground running, already hiring the first 4,000 people who will need to fill the movie’s many sprawling crowd shots.

“We’re overjoyed to share with fans that the still-untitled Dynasty Warriors film that was announced last fall is already deep into production, with over nine million actors still auditioning for uncast roles,” said Sony Pictures in a statement released Friday along with a 4,000 headshot slideshow introducing the still-growing cast. “Bringing this franchise onto the screen has been logistically challenging, but we’re prepared to start filming within a few decades, once we’ve settled on our leading cast of four hundred.” 

Actor Cheng Xian, 27, was recently cast to play Anonymous Warrior #3721, a character who plays a pivotal role pointlessly accosting one of the dozens of tertiary main characters with a poleax before being kicked in the head by a horse.

“As an actor, it’s a dream come true to work on a project as large as this,” says Xian, who has been replaying Dynasty Warriors to better understand the headspace of one of the game’s minor characters. “As a gamer, it’s a dream come true to bring the endless parade of mass violence and disrespect for the human form that Dynasty Warriors is known for to a wider audience. However, as a human being, it’s absolutely terrifying to be around so many people during a pandemic. Statistically, in a group this large at least a few hundred of us will die from preventable illness.” 

Studio leaks and hints stitched together by fans since the announcement have led to anticipation of a higher profile casting announcement in the coming weeks, based on speculation that popular character Lu Bu’s hair might be portrayed by motion capture pioneer Andy Serkis.

“I’m not saying yes, and I’m not saying no. If it happens, I promise I will bring to the role the unique artistic commitment that I always bring to any role,” says Serkis, recently returned from an Emmy-winning stint playing a bloodhound in Peaky Blinders. “I also always promise to bring a keen respect for the subject matter, the ability to crouch and crawl around like a goblin, and a prohibitively expensive motion capture suit that I keep forgetting to wash.”

As of press time, talks were already underway for a sequel, provided enough humans to round out the cast still exist on the planet by the time production is slated to begin in 2034.

Blood-Soaked YouTuber Desperately Tries to Pass Off Hitting Pedestrian With Car as Social Experiment

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — YouTube personality David Patterson, better known by his internet personality SuperVGMan64, caused a horrible tragedy this morning when he accidentally hit a pedestrian with his car, a move the YouTuber frantically tried to pass off as an elaborate internet social experiment.

“What’s up guys? SuperVGMan64 here back with another hilarious social experiment,” trembled Patterson on a hastily-recorded cell phone video. “Today we’re seeing how people react if I do a hit-and-run on a pedestrian, and this is 100% fake and all just part of my video. We’re going to see if I can pay the few bystanders $10,000 to look the other way as I speed off into the night and have my car reported stolen next morning. Oh God, what have I done? Let’s find out and jump right into it!”

SuperVGMan64 fan Caleb Trusler expressed their affinity for the experiment in the unedited video’s comment section.

“Amazing video! So funny and realistic,” Trusler began. “How did he get the blood to look so real? Very high production video here. Whoever played the pedestrian did a great job begging for their life only for SuperVGMan to dump him in the lake, you don’t usually get that kind of acting on YouTube. It really made me think about how society views hitting people with your car.”

YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki made a statement about the video’s problematic content.

“This kind of blatant violence and recklessness has no place on YouTube,” Wojcicki told reporters. “So as a lesson to Mr. Patterson, we’re going to leave it up and put six or seven ads in the video as a punishment.”

At press time, SuperVGMan64 reported that the social experiment was a smash success, and his upcoming vehicular manslaughter trial prank video could be found exclusively on his Patreon.

HBO Max Partners With Snapchat to Automatically Remove Content 10 Seconds After You Start Watching

Posted on by Doug Kolic

NEW YORK — Warner Bros. Discovery President and CEO David Zaslav announced a new partnership with Snapchat today that will see content from HBO Max removed exactly ten seconds after subscribers start watching.

“I think we’ve finally hit the idea jackpot!” explained an enthusiastic Zaslav. “We’ve been getting shit on a ton recently for canceling big projects and removing content like thieves in the night, so today I’m ecstatic to announce a new partnership with Snapchat that will give our valued customers a head’s up of an entire ten seconds before we remove their favorite shows permanently from our platform. We want to remind our viewers that content is fleeting — you shouldn’t try to hold onto your favorite movie or television show or job at HBO Max, because all that stuff eventually just goes away. Even if it’s specifically our fault and no one else’s.”

HBO Max subscriber Kelly Drysdale is reportedly happy that the streaming service that she has been paying for since it launched in 2020 is finally putting viewers first.

“Initially, I was upset when I heard they were shitcanning stuff I wanted to watch,” said Drysdale. “But then they must have heard everyone’s complaints and quickly made a deal with Snapchat to offer this amazing new service, which will give us the opportunity to watch the first scene of our favorite show, or at least ten seconds of it. I guess I’ll just read a recap of the episode on Reddit or Twitter or something? Wait, this actually sounds like a fucking horrible idea, is this some kind of joke? I must have been high when I first heard about it. I have a really bad drug problem.”

Netflix CEO Reed Hastings hounded us for an interview when he heard we were doing a story on a media company messing up that wasn’t his. 

“Fuck yeah!” hollered Hastings, desperately trying to high-five the people around him. “We’ve been in the goddamn shitter all year after failing to meet financial targets and announcing a new ad-supported pay tier that nobody wants. Well that’s all forgotten for the time being thanks to the big brains over at Warner Bros. Discovery taking the heat off us with this steaming pile of an idea. You have my promise that Netflix will never offer such an insulting, offensive service to our loyal customer base. You know, what’s left of them.”

At press time, Zaslav was busy pitching another great plan to remove all media content entirely and just register as a CPA firm already.

Litany of Mental Health Problems No Match for Getting High and Playing Minecraft

Posted on by Camden Brazile

COLUMBIA, Mo. — A recent mental health study from the University of Missouri found that while the number of reported cases of mental health issues are rising, they can often easily be combated by the practice of getting high and playing Minecraft.

“I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, but when I smoke a bowl and load up my survival world I stop thinking about it entirely,” study participant Reese Cromwell said. “I’ve tried a few different medications in the past, and all have their respective downsides, but getting stoned and trying to build a fun roller coaster in creative mode has no side effects, and doesn’t require any insurance.”

Mental health psychologist Dr. Abigail Milano explained how this recent revelation has affected her practice. 

“I’ve severed my ties with Lexapro and Xanax, and have updated my outgoing prescriptions to reflect what patients now require,” Dr. Milano said. “Whenever someone comes in with mental distress, we start by having them take a gummy and start a cow farm. If that proves ineffective, we are prepared to increase both the potency of marijuana and the amount of mods we install into the java edition of the game.”

Professional Minecraft player EthosLab claimed he has been unshakable for years.

“If my house was burning to the ground while I was creating a redstone contraption, no chance I would notice or even really care,” Etho said. “One time when I was streaming, my house was swatted. I didn’t even budge an inch. They stuck automatic weapons in my face and screamed, but I was only thinking about putting the finishing touches on my enchantment room.”

As of press time, researchers were pleased that this treatment was found to be effective with even the most mentally disturbed group on the planet, League of Legends players.