How to Improve at Using Dualies in Splatoon 3

Of the six weapon types in Splatoon 3, Dualies are one of the most unique. For a start, you’re carrying not one, but two guns at once, and you also gain the ability to roll while shooting to dodge your opponent’s attacks and gain extra accuracy. A loss in range and accuracy outside of dodge rolls is a price paid for such versatility, but mastering the weapon can make you a difficult character to pin down.

This guide goes into everything you need to know about how to play Dualies in Splatoon 3, from the very basics all the way to more advanced tricks you can implement to improve your play.

How to Use Dualies

The best way to use Dualies in Splatoon 3 is to never stop moving while taking a shot against your opponent. Dualies are defined by their versatility of movement, making it difficult for opponents to pin you down and giving you the movement ability to dodge attacks through dodge rolls and swimming even while attacking. These benefits do make them slightly weaker than a conventional shooter weapon like the Splattershot, meaning you must take advantage of these abilities in order to benefit from this weapon choice.

The two-weapon gimmick of Dualies does, however, reduce their accuracy compared to other shooters, with shots fired across a wider radius based on the position of the dual reticles on the screen. This can be temporarily improved by dodge rolling, where your shots will fire straighter to a single reticle for a limited time.

Dualies are decent at Turf War thanks to their ability to cover the turf over a wider range when not in a dodge roll state than conventional shooter weapons. However, these weapons will not cover as much ground as a shooter, such as the Aerospray, or Roller weapons in these circumstances, and are best used in Splat Zones and Clam Blitz, where your primary aim is to gain and control field advantage to prevent an opponent from reclaiming a Splat Zone or to allow a teammate to jump closer to the net in Clam Blitz.

When entering an offensive state to attack an opponent, you should aim to dodge roll into the encounter. This will cause you to enter a special dodge roll turret state for a limited time, and reduce your two reticles to a single reticle. In this state, you can fire more accurate shots against an opponent and at a faster rate, making it possible to wipe through an enemy before they can react. Dualies can role anywhere between 2-4 times in total, making it possible to dodge and make it difficult for your opponents to attack while extending the length of time your shots will be more accurate.

You should be aware of the number of dodges you have made, as after exhausting all your rolls you will be locked in a shooting position and unable to move for a brief period, making you vulnerable to long-range weapons such as snipers.

What are the Different Types of Dualies Available in Splatoon 3?

As of Splatoon 3’s launch there are a total of five Dualies available for players to use. These are:

  • Splat Dualies (Unlocked at Level 3)
  • Dualie Squelchers (Unlocked at Level 8)
  • Dapple Dualies (Unlocked at Level 14)
  • Dark Tetra Dualies (Unlocked at Level 17)
  • Glooga Dualies (Unlocked at Level 21)

Each of these Dualies has different ranges and abilities depending on the weapon chosen. The Dualie Squelchers have the slowest rate of fire but the longest range, as well as the ability to dodge roll twice. In comparison, Dark Tetra Dualies have a far smaller range, but can roll an impressive four times in total.

Every Dualie also possesses different sub-weapons and specials. In support of the zone-control capabilities of the Dualie Squelchers is a Wave Breaker special and Splat Bomb sub-weapon, while the Splat Dualies benefit from a Suction Bomb and Crab Tank. Knowing which weapon’s range, damage output and rolls best suit your style of play and are strong enough to compete will be key to getting the best use out of the weapon type.

What are the Best Support Abilities to Use for Dualies in Splatoon 3?

The best support abilities for Dualies in Splatoon 3 are those that increase your small ink tank and allow you to most effectively enter and engage in battles as quickly as possible. With the Dualies taking a more offensive role in your team due to their versatility in offense, you will want to ensure you can engage as quickly as possible while remaining constantly on the move.

In Splatoon 3, all clothing can be equipped with one main ability and up to three support abilities that increase the stats of your weapons and character. With this in mind, the best abilities for Dualies are Quick Super Jump, Ink Saver (Main) or Ink Recovery. Each of these will allow you to quickly jump from your side of the field to the center of the action, a less dangerous task for Dualies compared to other weapons thanks to the ability to immediately roll upon landing, while countering the small ink tank on these weapons to fire or recover faster.

We also recommend adding Swim Speed Up for another boost to your movement capabilities.

How to Dodge Roll With Dualies in Splatoon 3

To dodge roll with Dualies in Splatoon 3, you will need to be shooting your ink from your main weapon. When in this state, you can press B in order to execute a Dodge Roll, which will cause you to roll in whatever direction the left analogue stick is facing at that time. This will cause you to enter a dodge roll state where your shots will fire more accurately and at a more rapid pace for a limited time.

Additionally, you can also dodge roll while in the air. This also has the advantage of allowing you to quickly descend to the ground even faster than if you attempted to fall naturally from a great height. This can allow you to surprise an enemy from above if done correctly, while already being in a greater accuracy dodge roll state to splat your opponents in no time.

Combining Squid Rolls and Dodge Rolls for Added Versatility With Dualies

New to Splatoon 3 is the Squid Roll, an ability any player can use while swimming in ink. If you jump while swimming through ink in the opposite direction to the one you were initially heading, you will be able to Squid Roll, a fast jump in the opposite direction at great speed.

Dualie players can take additional advantage of this ability to allow it to essentially function as an additional roll to any weapon of this type. A recommended method of integrating this into a fight against another player would be to Squid Roll to dodge the initial attack from your opponent, then dodge rolling to move further from the initial point of engagement. From here you will be in a dodge roll state to attack your opponent with great accuracy.

When swimming up walls it is also possible to jump out of the wall with a Squid Roll. At this point, you can dodge roll while in the air from jumping out of the wall to quickly dodge to the ground and fire with accuracy from the moment you hit the ground.

Combining Squid Rolls and dodge rolls in Splatoon 3 is a very useful tactic to confuse your opponent and make it even more difficult to predict your position to counter your offensive. The added versatility this new move offers makes it even more difficult to predict where you will go next, and combining them will be the difference between victory and defeat.

What are the Best Dualies in Splatoon 3?

The best Dualies in Splatoon 3 depend on the mode being played. In Turf War, a weapon like the Splat Dualies due to its Special weapons and coverage is a great neutral choice. In modes where control over area and zones is important we recommend the Dualie Squelchers thanks to their range and versatility, while the Dark Tetra Dualies are useful in Clam Blitz thanks to the Reefslider special. You can use this special to transport the clam closer to the goal, allowing for huge movements into enemy territory to steal their goal and score crucial points.

Ultimately, however, the best Dualies are the ones you feel most comfortable using! We recommend practicing with all weapons and consider the mode you wish to play and adapt your weapon choice to the mode you are participating in. Learning how to most effectively use the dodge roll and Squid Roll in Recon mode and the practice room before putting it into practice is a great way to improve at using Dualies in Splatoon 3 and mastering this unique weapon type.

Happy splatting!

Mandalorian Trying to Buy LSD at Fortnite Coachella Clearly a Narc

ARTEMIS ISLAND — A supposed gamer wearing a Mandalorian costume and trying to score drugs at the Fortnite Coachella event was unanimously believed to be an undercover DEA agent, sources have confirmed. 

“Hey, do you guys know if they have drugs in here yet,” the Mandalorian asked a shirtless John Wick that was aggressively gyrating behind a bent over John Cena during Billie Eilish’s groundbreaking headlining virtual set. “I think drugs would help me enjoy the show, no cap of course. I’m willing to exchange v-bucks or real money or whatever, as long as you’re willing to exchange it for the drugs. This is the way haha” 

Word quickly spread in the immediate area that there was a “narc,” among the players. 

“Yeah, that wasn’t hard to call,” said Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead. “He kept running around asking us all if we were selling any drugs. Like dude, I’m just in here trying to watch the concert. I don’t think Epic has patched in an illegal drug trade yet, but who knows, maybe they will next season. Doesn’t this asshole have anything better to do than hassle a bunch of kids trying to just hang out?” 

As of press time, the Mandalorian had changed skins into a standard police officer uniform and opened fire on everybody.

Sony Increases PS5 Price Again for Back Talk

TOKYO — After market speculation in recent weeks, Sony has decided to increase the price of the PlayStation 5 a second time for back talk.

“We didn’t want to do this,” explained Sony CEO Kenichiro Yoshida, at an international panel addressing the price change in Europe, Africa, Australia and select other regions. “But this is what you get when you talk back to me and run your little sass mouth.”

PlayStation fans were baffled at the price increase for the already expensive game console, especially considering they themselves had done nothing wrong. When pressed for a response, Yoshida was resolute in his decision.

“Keep it up!” Yoshida said, following a wave of boos at his announcement. “You’re lucky I don’t personally come to your house and wash that mouth out with soap. Scrub all the swears and junk out of that nasty little mouth. I’ll open up a whole quicktime event on that thing.”

In light of supply chain issues and other economic disruptions around the globe, some gamers felt the squeeze from the Sony Corporation was a bit overly harsh.

“Everyone knows this is horse shit,” said gamer Marie Renault, 42, one of few brave enough to comment on the second price increase. “How can you change the price when it is literally not fair and it sucks?”

In response to the news, Nintendo has clarified that with the $350 Nintendo Switch OLED, you can play the hottest new games and complain as much as you want.

David Harbour to Portray 2003 Acura CL Type S in Gran Turismo Film

NEW YORK — Sony Pictures announced today that it has cast the lead in its upcoming Gran Turismo film, with actor David Harbour set to portray the car seen on the cover of Gran Tursimo 3 A-Spec, a 2003 Acura CL Type S.

“I read the script and absolutely loved it,” said the star of Stranger Things, about the upcoming video game adaptation of the beloved racing series. “I thought the stuff with the coach and his young protege was really well done, and the race car scenes just flew off the page. I called [director] Neill [Blompkamp] and told him I was in. Which I regret, because I now know that he actually has cast me as some stupid Acura that the main characters drive around in. I wish I would’ve read the contract first. I hate that motion capture shit.” 

The puzzling casting decision was defended by the filmmaker. 

“Hey, if Brendan Fraser can play a 600-pound man, why can’t Dave play a damn Acura?” asked Blompkamp, director of such films as District 9 and Elysium. “There were some early rumors that we were looking at him for the part of the instructor, but I always pictured someone a little older, a little quieter in that role.” 

“Harbour’s way more of an Acura guy,” he added. 

Fans of the game had mixed reactions to the casting news. 

“It seems pretty strange to me,” said Jason Breckenridge, a longtime fan of the series. “And yet, the more I think about it, I am at a loss as to any modern actors that I think could nail the part of a 2003 Acura CL Type S any better. Maybe a Dafoe or a Buscemi, but I mean, Harbour will probably do as good as any of them. I remember reading that he played Greased Lightning back in his high school production of Grease, so I bet he’ll do a great job.” 

The Gran Turismo film is expected to start production very shortly, as soon as the cast and crew obtain all of the necessary licenses.

PlayStation State of Play Roundup: September 13, 2022

On the same day as a big Nintendo Direct, by sheer coincidence, Sony held a presentation of their own. They call their show the PlayStation State of Play. This one wasn’t as long as the Direct – 23 minutes to the Direct’s 42 – but they had a few major announcements to make. Here’s everything that was in the September State of Play.

  • Tekken 8. This was a surprise: the fighting game community is mainly focused on Street Fighter 6 at the moment. It’s probably farther away than Streets, since the trailer was just a single cinematic fight between Jin and Kazuya with no further details, and the release date was listed as “stay tuned”. Still, noteworthy.
  • Star Wars: Tales From The Galaxy’s Edge Enhanced Edition. That title’s a bit of a mouthful for the series with the most straightforward name ever written. The original version released on the Oculus Quest in 2020, and this Enhanced Edition is for PlayStation VR 2, releasing in 2023. It’s a unique story in the Star War universe, and it must have been good enough to earn an Enhanced Edition. C-3PO is in the game.
  • Demeo. This is a VR tabletop game that won tons of awards. It’s currently on Steam and elsewhere, and the PlayStation State of Play confirms it’s “in development” for PlayStation VR 2. I guess if you can’t board game in person, this might be your next best option.

What’s this? A SEGA game… rebuilt from the ground up… set in 1867 Japan? Could it be? It sure is: this is the official release of Ryū ga Gotoku Ishin in the West for the first time! Its official title is Like A Dragon: Ishin! (Yes, including the exclamation point.) Over here, the series is best known as Yakuza, and this spinoff is a retelling of Japanese history, but with all the historical figures played by Yakuza characters. The draw is that every Yakuza game alternates rapidly between bloody drama and wacky funtime. I’ve heard good things about the chicken races in this one. Releasing February 2023.

  • Hogwarts Legacy. This game has been discussed extensively already, but the State of Play announcement is a console-specific quest about running a store in Hogsmeade. Running a shop makes for a nice, comfy game, which is a great atmosphere to distract the player from whatever awful thing Rowling has said most recently. That said, it’s not clear from the trailer whether the quest will actually be about running the shop, or whether it will devolve into monster shooting within five minutes. Releases February 10, 2023.
  • Pacific Drive. This is the classic sort of trailer with striking visuals and absolutely no indication of what the game is about. It’s “the debut game from Ironwood studio”, so we don’t even have anything to compare it to! It looks like it’s about a car that drives to a bad place. Maybe the Pacific? I don’t know. There are bugs and slime.

Next is a section about the loyalty program, PlayStation Stars. No relation to PlayStation All-Stars, though Polygon Man somehow features in both. The highlight is “digital collectibles”, which sound uncomfortably like NFTs. If it’s just a fun trophy collection, that’d be fine, but is that even valuable as a rewards program?

  • Synduality. Looks like an interesting robot-fighting game from Bandai Namco that mentions online multiplayer. Releases 2023.

September 13 PlayStation State of Play: Console Exclusives

“These next two intense action games are PS5 console exclusives,” says the VA. In other words, the rest of the games mentioned in the September PlayStation State of Play are not PS5 console exclusives. You learn to pick up on these messages, after a while. The two games are:

  • Stellar Blade. With a mechanical post-apocalypse, characters named “Adam” and “Eve”, and the light choral music, the whole trailer gives off a strong NieR vibe. But no, there’s no apparent relation. I guess this is just the “in” style these days. Releases 2023.
  • Rise of the Ronin. From Team NINJA, appropriately enough. It’s set in 1863 Japan – the same katana-and-gunfire time period as Like A Dragon: Ishin! from ten minutes ago. It feels gauche, like wearing the same dress as someone else at the party. There’s one major difference, though: the game’s scheduled for 2024.

“We’ve got one more update for you,” says the VA. That’s right, the final reveal in the September PlayStation State of Play is God of War: Ragnarok…’s limited edition controller.

Fortunately they have an update for the game as well. The new trailer includes a little bit of everything nice: violent action, mythical settings, drama with Boy, and voices telling Kratos what a bad person he is. Seriously, the humanization of Kratos was a big part of why the new God of War was so well-received, so it’ll be nice if they can continue the trend. There’s also an official release date: November 9, 2022.

Fans Beginning to Worry That 48-Hour Stream of Catatonic Jerma in Hospital Bed Isn’t a Bit

LAS VEGAS — YouTube personality and Twitch streamer Jeremy Elbertson, known by his online persona ‘Jerma,’ began to worry fans Wednesday, causing them to believe his 48-hour stream of his catatonic body in a hospital bed might not be a bit.

“This is classic Jerma…right?” began sweating Jerma985 fan Craig Mayhew. “This is totally something he’d do. A funny, elaborate avant-garde stream? But also, he hasn’t moved in hours, and those EKG beeps sound incredibly real. You’d first think that there’s no way that he could stay motionless for two full days, so it must be real. But Jerma would. Next you’d think if he was actually dying, he would never livestream it, so it must be fake. But Jerma would.”

Even moderators were dubious of the stream’s legitimacy.

“It all started really funny, with us making comments about his ‘dump truck ass’ in his hospital gown,” reported Twitch moderator Evan Cherry. “But later, when our donation messages would be met with a lifeless, glassy-eyed stare for hours on end, it stopped being funny. Whether or not this is real, it’s by far Jerma’s masterpiece.”

Fellow streamer and Jerma collaborator Ludwig Ahgren commented on his friend’s condition.

“I received a message from Jerma’s estate requesting me to come to the hospital and visit him,” Ahgren said. “Apparently there are stipulations in his will that require me to serve as a male orderly on his stream, feeding him and changing him. Whether this is a touching tribute to our friendship, or an ironic streaming bit remains to be seen.”

At press time, fans became increasingly concerned when a sudden poll came up on stream, allowing the Twitch chat to vote whether or not Jerma be administered his lifesaving dialysis treatment.

Guy With +10 Luck Thinks He Has Incredible Charisma

NEW YORK — A local man with maxed-out luck assumes he must possess very high charisma, but that belief is mistaken, sources confirm. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty good at charming people into doing what I want and giving me stuff. Like my boss — he’s already promoted me twice and gave me a huge bonus, even though I just started this year. Honestly, I’m still not even sure what my job is,” said Jeff Vermeer, 27, an associate at the law firm Vermeer, Vermeer & Vermeer. “Guess he just really likes me.”

Vermeer claimed his strong communication skills have made up for weaknesses in other areas, including intelligence and strength.

“I had pretty bad grades in high school, and I didn’t play sports, but I still got into Yale by really nailing my interview with the alumni director, who happened to go there with my dad. I talked to him for like five minutes before he said I was a ‘fine young man’ who would ‘fit in great’ on campus,” Vermeer said, reaching down to pick up a $100 bill he spotted on the sidewalk. “Guess that guy was no match for my trademark charisma.”

Others disagreed with Vermeer’s assessment, like Katie Bingham, who went on a very brief Tinder date with him last month.

“I was just looking for something casual, so I figured why not—I mean, the guy is 6’8” with piercing eyes, great hair, and one of the best jawlines I’ve ever seen,” said Bingham, who has not spoken to him since. “I ended up fake laughing at his awful jokes for like 30 minutes until I decided it wasn’t worth it and went home. Dude is lucky he looks like that.”

Vermeer was last seen at Starbucks trying to talk down the price of a latte, which to his surprise did not work at all.

Nintendo Direct Roundup: September 13, 2022

On this day, September 13, 2022, a 42-minute Nintendo Direct took place. Nintendo Directs are always a big deal for Nintendo fans. The company uses this format to announce their biggest surprises, as well as a lot of small surprises that underwhelm fans hoping for a big one. Here’s the lowdown.

The September Nintendo Direct opened with every Nintendo fan’s favorite series: Fire Emblem. The trailer revealed the first gameplay of “the toothpaste man,” called so by fans due to his red-and-blue toothpaste-stripe hair color first seen in leaked screenshots. It seems those leaks were the real deal. The game is called Fire Emblem Engage, releasing 1/20/23. It looks like traditional Fire Emblem tactical warfare, with a special mechanic: The heroes can perform a fusion dance with old characters from the series to borrow their powers.

September 13 Nintendo Direct: Headlines

Next was a round of headlines:

  • It Takes Two. First released last year, this co-op platformer is coming to Switch on November 4th. The game centers around a feuding husband and wife who turn into dolls instead of going to therapy.
  • Fatal Frame: Mask of the Lunar Eclipse. First released on the Wii in 2008, the game is coming to Switch in 2023 for the first time in English. Fatal Frame is an old-school horror series about fighting ghosts with an exorcising camera, like a spooky Pokemon Snap.
  • Xenoblade Chronicles 3 Expansion Pass Volume 2. Features Ino, a new robogirl hero with an incredibly shrill voice. Also adds Challenge Battles, which are probably battles that are especially challenging. Launches October 13th, with two more Volumes to come.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants: The Cosmic Shake. This was a known thing, but it now has a release window of 2023. The trailer boasts seven worlds, over 30 costumes, and the original voice cast. SpongeBob platformers seem to have been doing well lately.
  • Fitness Boxing Fist of the North Star. Kenshiro and friends lead a fitness program as they pummel enemies. Honestly not a bad crossover, as long as players maintain the proper form. Punching at Fist of the North Star speeds is inadvisable without some stretching and warm-ups first.
  • OddBallers. Looks like a wacky multiplayer brawler in the vein of Gang Beasts. Launches early next year.
  • Tunic. This clearly Zelda-inspired game looks beautiful and got rave reviews when it released on Xbox in March. The Switch seems like a natural home for it, but it did look like the framerates weren’t as good as they’re supposed to be.
  • Front Mission Remakes. We knew about the first and second games, but there was some more info about new content coming to the stylish re-imagining, as well as confirmation of a remake of the thrid game as well.
  • Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life. This appears to be a remake of the Gamecube game of the same subtitle, then called Harvest Moon. It releases Summer 2023, twenty years after its original form. It’s always nice to see old classics reborn like this, if done well.

Next on the September Nintendo Direct schedule, they announced the first Splatfest for Splatoon 3. These are contests in which players choose a team, then earn points over a series of intense battles. This time, the teams are based on the question “what would you take to a deserted island”: Gear, Grub, or Fun. It’s not likely that anyone who chooses “Fun” will automatically die in battle, as they would on the deserted island, but it would be fitting. The Splatfest will run from the 23rd to the 25th of this month.

Then, a major announcement: Octopath Traveler 2. The original Octopath, released on Switch in 2018, was a big beautiful HD-2D RPG, but it had a couple flaws. Although the eight new characters have the same classes as the cast of the first game, the setting is dramatically different. It went from a fairly standard medieval setting to a more modern one, including both samurai and cowboys – a major upgrade. A sequel to such a massive game is an ambitious undertaking, and it will be interesting to see how it turns out. Releases 2/24/23.

The second round of September Nintendo Direct headlines:

  • Fae Farm. It feels like these farming sims are becoming more common recently. Everyone just wants to abandon modern society and grow crops. Anyway, this is one of those, but it’s multiplayer and you have fairy powers. Releases Spring 2023.
  • Theatrhythm: Final Bar Line. A musical romp through all the Final Fantasies. Those chibi versions of the heroes look pretty weird, though. It releases 2/16/23, and it’ll get DLC tracks from other big Square games as well: SaGa, NieR, Octopath Traveler, even Live A Live!
  • Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope. We knew about this, so there’s not much to say. The trailer has a little extra footage and info. Game releases October 20. It’s odd they didn’t mention the recently announced post-launch Rayman DLC – for some people, that would be the selling point.
  • Rune Factory 3 Special. Originally for DS in 2008, now on Switch. Features include farming and transforming into a furry. The voice-over man adds, “Plus, a brand new mode has been added to help you enjoy more quality time with your in-game spouse.” The odds of hardcore sex scenes being added to Nintendo games are low… but never zero.
  • A new Rune Factory “series” is also teased. See what I mean about those farming sims?

Next, a round of N64 titles added to the maybe-slightly-overpriced Nintendo Switch Online Plus.

  • Pilotwings 64
  • Mario Party 1, 2, and 3
  • Pokemon Stadium 1 and 2
  • 1080 Snowboarding
  • Excitebike 64
  • Goldeneye 007

Holy crap, Goldeneye. That’s a big one: a well-loved multiplayer shooter that required Nintendo to get the license for James Bond’s license (to kill). They’re adding online gameplay as well. All these games are planned to launch over the next several months.

Some more titles from the September Nintendo Direct:

  • Various Daylife. “Perform over 100 types of daily tasks to build character.” This is somehow even more depressing than the farming sim rush, but at a glance it looks like a decent RPG. Releases today!
  • Factorio. The definitive engineering sim on Switch is a moderately big deal. Check reviews before buying, though: sometimes Switch ports have weird performance issues. Launches October 28th.
  • Ib. Another port, a “horror exploration game”. Looks very indie, which is a good thing. Releases Spring 2023.
  • A free update to Mario Strikers: Battle League. New characters Pauline (finally) and Diddy Kong, and a new stadium. This game got a lot of flak at launch because of its light roster, so hopefully this will make up for it a little.
  • Atelier Ryza 3: Alchemist of the End & the Secret Key. The niche Atelier series seems to be doing well on Switch, if this new title is any indication. Launches 2/24/23.
  • Two tracks announced for Wave 3 of the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Booster Course Pass: Merry Mountain from Mario Kart Tour, and Peach Gardens from Mario Kart DS. Nothing as important as Waluigi Pinball from Wave 2, but it’s nice to know what’s coming up. Available this holiday.
  • A free update to Switch Sports. It’s golf, featuring courses from the ever-popular Wii Sports series. Includes something called “Survival Golf” which is an online mode that eliminates the worst-performing golfers. Where we puttin’, boys? Releasing Holiday 2022, delayed a little from its initial announcement.

Suddenly, a special guest arrives: Miyamoto! He talked about the Mario Movie and Super Nintendo Land, but that’s meatspace stuff so I zoned out.

“I’d like to talk a little bit about Pikmin,” he says. Wait, what!?

False alarm: he just wanted to explain how the mobile game Pikmin Bloom works. I guess no one is playing it and it’s making him sad.

False false alarm! He just officially announced Pikmin 4, releasing next year! No gameplay yet, but this will have to do for now… but it’s worth remembering that the last time Miyamoto said Pikmin 4 was almost finished was seven years ago.

Last round of game announcements in the September Nintendo Direct:

  • Just Dance 2023. I assume these games are alright, because they keep getting made. Releases November 22.
  • Harvestella. You guessed it: a farming sim. Less relaxing than the usual farming sims, though, thanks to the “season of death.” We knew about this one, but here’s a little more footage and a demo, releasing today.
  • Bayonetta 3. A short update confirming the game’s release on October 28th, with a new trailer on Nintendo’s YouTube channel.
  • Master Detective Archives: Raincode. From the brilliant (?) minds behind anime murder mystery series, Danganronpa. It seems to continue Danganronpa’s theme of “Phoenix Wright but the mechanics are ridiculous”: the player is seen making logical deductions in the form of a mental minecart ride. Releases Spring 2023.
  • Resident Evil: Cloud Version. The modern Resident Evil series – Seven, Eight, Remake 2 and Remake 3 – is sort of coming to Switch. We’ve heard conflicting reports on the quality of the Kingdom Hearts cloud versions, so take caution before buying. It “releases” October 28, and there’s a free demo if you want to test it now.
  • Sifu. Martial-arts brawler where you age when you lose. Originally released in February, now releasing on Switch today. Well-liked, and worth a look if the port’s okay.
  • Crisis Core: Reunion. A remake of the colorful FFVII spinoff Crisis Core. You can be dead sure that this game will have essential plot details for anyone who wants to understand the story of the various upcoming FFVII remakes. Releases December 13.
  • Radiant Silvergun. Here’s a throwback – this one is a Treasure arcade game from 1998. Launching today.
  • Endless Dungeon. A multiplatform roguelike, releasing next year.
  • Tales of Symphonia Remastered. It’s old – Gamecube-era – but some still claim it’s the best in the Tales Of series. From the trailer, it looks exactly like I remember it. Meaning, it looks like Gamecube graphics. If you can stomach that much, there’s a well-loved, massive action RPG behind it. Releases early 2023.

Then, a quick sizzle reel of games:

  • Life is Strange: Arcadia Bay Collection. Releasing September 27, 2022.
  • Romancing SaGa -Minstrel Song- Remastered. Releasing December 1, 2022.
  • LEGO Bricktales. Fall 2022.
  • Disney Speedstorm. 2022.
  • Fall Guys Season 2. Launching September 15, 2022.

Next to last, they announced Kirby’s Return to Dream Land Deluxe, another Wii game ported to Switch. It first launched in 2011, a solid if basic entry in the series. The Deluxe version will have better multiplayer and a little extra content.

The very last announcement in the September Nintendo Direct is a long-awaited update to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2. It was a short trailer with a little new footage, and an official subtitle reveal: Tears of the Kingdom. Its official release date is now May 12, 2023. There wasn’t much actual gameplay in the trailer to analyze, although I did see a neat glider platform, but the game theorists will be along with their five-hour analyses by tomorrow. Let’s hear it for those guys!

Guess What Mario Fans, We Have Some Exciting Pikmin News!!

Howdy, gamers! If you missed this morning’s Nintendo Direct because you had loved ones to interact with, don’t worry, Hard Drive has you covered. And boy do we have the scoop for you if you were hoping for some updates about the upcoming live action Mario movie: there’s a Pikmin AR game that came out in 2021! Mamma mia! 

Nintendo legend Shigeru Miyamoto himself appeared onscreen earlier today and addressed the upcoming Mario animated film as well as the upcoming Super Nintendo World theme park that will be opening soon in California by abruptly shifting gears to the Pikmin series and really just talking about Pikmin stuff from there. 

“I have so many exciting things to tell you about Pikmin,” he said, appearing to go off-script as footage of what appeared to be Metroid Prime 4 played behind him. “The Pikmin aren’t even restricted to your video game console anymore. There are Pikmin everywhere! Everywhere! They’re all around us. They’re in our bones!” 

As of press time, Chris Pratt and Seth Rogen appeared in character as Mario and Donkey Kong to tease the upcoming Pikmin 4.

Nobody Has Heart to Tell Excited Nintendo Direct Voiceover Guy That Most of the Games He’s Describing Have Been Out for Years

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo Direct viewers around the world are anxiously tip-toeing around the voiceover guy’s oblivious hype for games everybody played years ago.

“Whoa! Get ready for this!” said the voice-over guy to viewers around the world. “There’s a new Resident Evil game!” 

“It’s just sort of sad” said viewer Jacob Blatt while twiddling his thumbs. “He’s just so ready for us to play It Takes Two and it’s like dude, we all did that over a year ago. It’s like telling a kid that Santa isn’t real; at some point you should break the news but how can you bring yourself to do it? I mean he’s saying ‘enter the world of Resident Evil 8…if you dare!’ and it’s like yeah, I did dare. In May, 2021.”

As of press time, Voiceover Guy was getting super stoked for some shit that came out in 2003.