Tinder Date Clearly Just There to Practice Elevator Pitch for Kevin Hart / Dwayne Johnson Body Swap Movie

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — Local single woman Annabel Stribling says her recent Tinder date, Sammy Ward, clearly just showed up to Italian restaurant Maggiano’s to spend the entire time workshopping his elevator pitch for a body swap movie starring Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart.

“I originally matched with him because he was cute,” said Stribling, shuffling a stack of Ward’s dog-eared script pages and hastily shoving them into her purse on her way out of the restaurant. “It was a bit disconcerting that his profile listed his favorite movies as the Jumanji reboot, Central Intelligence, and that one specific scene in Hobbs and Shaw where Kevin Hart appears, but I thought I’d give him a chance anyway. Turns out that was a bad idea. I’m not even in the entertainment industry!”

Upon arriving at the date, Ward was overheard by witnesses immediately jumping into his pitch for the body swap movie.

“He didn’t order any food, just kept talking about his idea,” said Mabel Crumbley, who was sitting at the next table throughout the date listening intently. “He really struggled to lock in his second act, though, and my husband agreed that his villain lacked characterisation and a clear motive.”

Ward, whose movie is tentatively titled The Old Switch-a-Rock, has alienated friends and family for the past year endlessly pitching the movie without having written a single word of the screenplay.    

“It’s not the worst idea,” said Ward’s mother, Jill. “But he just keeps getting caught up in whether it is going to be a Freaky Friday body swap or a Face/Off body swap. It’s a conceptual nightmare, and I’m just not going to let my daughter marry some artistic hack. Sorry, but you just need to do the work.”

As of reporting, Ward could not be reached for statement as he had discovered the Red Dwarf episode “Bodyswap” and is now believed to be busy retooling his idea to be set in space

Drunken Night Out Turns Into Side-Scrolling Beat ‘Em Up

Posted on by Sean Fallon

NEW ORLEANS — Local police were called in response to a group of drunken revelers this weekend who quickly found their night on the town turning into a side-scrolling beat-em up, witnesses who observed the events confirmed.

“We definitely see this now and then,” said responding officer Mitch Taylor, while standing over several knocked-out revelers with spinning stars around their heads. “People come from out of state to enjoy some classic New Orleans hospitality, and before you know it they’re moving two directionally down Bourbon Street and awkwardly side-stepping horizontally to get out of the way of passersby. Sometimes they just want to look for coins or rings and jump around a bit, but last night these guys were out for violence. When that happens we need to step in and say ‘game over.’”

After drinking at half a dozen bars, the group of three drunks reportedly made their way down the street kicking phone booths, eating chicken out of the trash, and awkwardly alternating between punches and flying kicks aimed at no one in particular.

“I’m pretty sure I tried to do a leg sweep on someone,” said Ken Hagerty, one of the drunks, from behind the bars of the NOPD drunk tank. “I had far too much to drink, and the next minute I was walking up to people and demanding bonuses for punching stop signs. I really hope no one was too badly hurt. Oh god, did I uppercut an old man? I think I did. I kept telling him he was the ‘final boss’ and asking him where I could find the Mad Gear Gang. What the fuck am I doing with my life?”

Sources say this isn’t the first time New Orleans tourists have found themselves in trouble for drunkenness, with group outings to the city regularly turning into pastiches of RPGs, first-person shooters, and even survival horror.

“This kind of game-inspired street violence is what we need to focus on cracking down on,” declared New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell. “Drunkenness should be passing out in your puke on the street, not doing kick-kick-punch combos on tourists. That’s why my reelection campaign will focus on a return to good old-fashioned New Orleans pastimes like streaking, inappropriate groping, and drunk driving.”

At press time, the impounded revelers have reportedly posted bail and been released just in time to attend a bachelor party racing jet skis and helicopters in Miami.

Everyone Pretty Sure Everyone Else a Pedophile

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A groundbreaking study has found that every member of society is now pretty certain every other member of society is a pedophile. 

“We take something as disturbing as pedophilia very seriously,” said lead researcher on the study, Dr. Isiah Sutton, probably a fucking child molester. “When we realized we’d gotten anonymous tips on just about everybody in the city, we decided to take a closer look into the accusations themselves. It really seems like every person we’ve come into contact with is of the utmost confidence that they’re surrounded by sexual deviants at all times. Everywhere they go, every person they meet. You can really understand why some people are so upset all the time, if this is the world they think they’re in.” 

Many were resistant to the study’s findings. 

“Sounds like some bullshit a pedophile would say,” said local parent Josh Garland. “I work for a living and this guy interviews perverts apparently, so what is he, the fucking pervert expert? Nope, it’s clear who is mentally deranged in this situation, and that is these sick fuck scientists. They’re just as bad as the twisted liberals down the street from me, and the groomers over at the library that were trying to read Dr. Seuss books to my kid. TO MY KID!”  

Others, however, alleged that accusing people of pedophilia at such a rapid rate dilutes the seriousness of the accusation.

“I don’t want anyone to think I don’t take child abuse lightly,” said John Bryant, a local teacher that objected to the findings, which really makes you wonder about him, you know? “But all I did was suggest that maybe everyone we don’t agree with isn’t automatically a pedophile and that the actual pedophiles must love all this covering fire, but then everyone just start screaming ‘pedophile,’ at me and now I think I’m probably gonna move away. Probably for the best, no one in this city ever stops talking about pedophilia.” 

As of press time, it’s pretty fucking sketch that you would click on this article, man. 

 

Hell Yes: Grandma’s Nursing Home Has a Wii

Posted on by Ben Friedman

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — A local man’s dispiriting weekly visit to his grandmother’s nursing home turned around unexpectedly after discovering the facility’s activity center had a perfectly working Wii, sources close to the matter have confirmed.

“Every time I visit Grandma Edna, it’s hard to find something to distract me from the smell of death and industrial grade disinfectants in the air,” said Caleb Brant while eagerly affixing the Wii remote’s wrist strap to his right wrist. “But this time around she was giving us the tour of the new activity center and I was gobsmacked when I saw they had a Wii, and in perfect condition no less. Not only that, they have both Wii Sports and Resort! Next thing I know, grandma and I are running around playing Wii Tennis for three hours straight and I feel like I’m a kid again and like she’s a slightly younger version of Grandma Edna again. Although I will admit there wasn’t much of a challenge due to half our opponents being hooked up to oxygen tanks.”

Caleb’s grandmother, Edna Brant, is reportedly enthralled that her grandson has come to visit so frequently following the discovery of the console, despite the harsh physical toll their activities have been taking on her.

“My family has only ever really visited on holidays since my son stuck me here, so Caleb’s weekly visits have been just wonderful,” said Edna, 78. “I’m used to spending most of my days playing bridge and bingo, but he really loves that TV game with the tennis players and their floating arms and legs. How does it know when I’m swinging the white rectangle? Modern technology really is amazing. It’s more engaging than chair aerobics, but sometimes my elbows are swollen when we’re done. I wish Caleb would want to do a puzzle every once in a while, if only to keep my blood pressure down.”

AARP Magazine editor Richard Bryer has noticed a trend in older consoles appearing more frequently in assisted living facilities.

“Video games are great for improving cognition and coordination, and consoles from two generations ago can be easily found at any garage sale. It’s likely you’ll find a Wii or XBOX 360 in the rec rooms of most assisted living facilities, as they have plenty of games to keep you active and the graphics are just dated enough where players won’t think it’s real life and get confused,” said Bryer. “It’s also a great way for residents to connect with their millennial progeny. You might not believe it, but before Halo 3’s Xbox 360 servers went offline, the largest demographic of players were aged 55 to 75.”

As of this afternoon, the Wii was reportedly removed from the activity center after the younger Brant’s white-knuckle Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament caused several residents to go into cardiac arrest.

Colorblind Man Can’t Tell If He’s In Flashback or Not

Posted on by Naomi Krause

DOVER, Ohio — Local Ohio resident Douglas Creedy recently expressed his sadness that because of his colorblindness, he can never tell if he’s in a flashback or not.

“It’s hard to know when I’m just living my life, or reflecting back on a key moment in my past that made me this way,” Creedy tearily said. “Whenever I find myself in a flashback, it takes a while for me to figure it out. I often have to wait until a glass shatters to the ground in slow motion, or until my perspective zooms in on someone’s lips as they say the key line that changed me. While most people think colorblindness only makes it hard to pick out clothes or pilot an airplane, they don’t realize that it also makes it more difficult to tell when you’re experiencing the tragic irony of your past mistakes or being haunted by memories of your lost spouse.”

Medical experts in the ocular field claim that colorblindness carries further nuances that many people fail to take into consideration.

“Without seeing color, it can be incredibly hard to know if you’re in a flashback, or even having a foreshadowing to the future,” said Optometrist Dr. Stephen Richmond. “According to studies, most colorblind patients are even unable to tell when they’ve accidentally entered a portal that transported them back to the 1950’s. Truly, being colorblind is a tragic life that we cannot begin to understand fully without first hand experience.”

At press time, Creedy said that due to his colorblindness, he was also unable to identify whether this was the first time he’d lamented his condition or if it was just another flashback.

100 Excuses to Tell Your Teammates in Rocket League When You Fuck Up

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Instant classic Rocket League was released in 2015, and if you’re anything like me you’ve spent a startling amount of time being an absolute detriment to your online teammates, through absolutely no ill intentions of your own. It’s a high-octane pedal to the medal affair, and I am generally the worst one out there, even though I am quite experienced at this point and honestly trying my best. At some point I realized I was never going to become a better teammate, but I could become a better bad teammate! No one wants to hear you say, “Sorry guys, I was really trying and have even been watching YouTube videos on how to get better,” after a 5-0 shillacking, but if you give the right excuse, maybe these guys will hang out with you a little longer before blocking you. Just maybe. Here’s 100 things you can fire off in the Rocket League chat, either after an embarrassing loss or even just quickly after allowing a particularly mortifying goal. 

  1. sorry a bunch of birds flew in here
  2. I flooded the engine! 
  3. Those looked like goals to me guys idk 
  4. any1 else just have a lil seizure?
  5. wait what was teams???
  6. im very drunk!
  7. thought i opened forza wtf 
  8. quit hogging the road! 
  9. i am an old man 
  10. car’s low on oil i think 
  11. yyy did u guys play like that??
  12. i am so lost
  13. i dont feel like any of that was my fault 
  14. tires are super low 🙁 
  15. sorry spilled coffee on my foot
  16. sorry trying to play n drive
  17. oops i should’ve scored more points
  18. sry neighbor kids out there yellin at me 
  19. did we start?
  20. brb restarting internet
  21. whoa sorry was eating a sloppy joe 
  22. cars bein weird
  23. im being electrocuted wtf
  24. shit sum1 put something in my eyes 
  25. wasnt me 
  26. all ur fault
  27. learning 2 play w/ feet srry 
  28. ball is too small 
  29. ball is too big 
  30. hey im on dial up btw
  31. i dont think that went in 
  32. these fuckin guys are ramming me 
  33. this batmobile sucks dick 
  34. this delorean sucks dick
  35. bullshit i stopped that
  36. sorry was stuck in first gear
  37. using modded Virtual Boy to play srry
  38. edibles 
  39. doin the rope a dope 
  40. fps dropped never had a chance
  41. im all fucked up on cold medicine 
  42. srry trying to play and drive bus 
  43. wont happen again swear to fuckin god 
  44. my bad everyone’s screaming at me here
  45. yikes had to put out kitchen fire 
  46. fuck ya doin?
  47. I apologize for my actions, and I pledge to do better.
  48. they cheat real bad
  49. sorry gf broke up with me right when they took that shot 
  50. come on ref! 
  51. think my vax side effects jus started 🙁 
  52. ohh nooooo oh no oh no oh god please forgive me im so sorry i am crying
  53. im not one bit sorry
  54. ohhhhhhhhh now i get it 
  55. listen that wont happen no more 
  56. i sacked out what happened
  57. i really should have done that better
  58. alignment’s off i think 
  59. did it rain here last night?
  60. srry swerved to miss raccoon out there
  61. wtf cars dont fly 
  62. if these were real rocket cars that would’ve went in 
  63. my bad i thought u said let it go in 
  64. lol no way that was five minutes 
  65. that was weird
  66. paperboy just broke my window
  67. did i not do that well?
  68. that was all done ironically
  69. wait, what?
  70. yikes this is all going so fast 
  71. I am a concerned parent just checking this game for swears, I’m sorry if my poor playing has affected your evening in any way. 
  72. sorry new friends
  73. Sniper! Sniper! Keep moving everybody!!
  74. sorry was trying to put in cheat codes
  75. not all of that’s on me
  76. if they wanted me to play goalie they’d put a different colored shirt on me!
  77. sorry was updating my spreadsheets!
  78. VERY itchy sweater 
  79. I’m in VR and crashed out the window into the yard 
  80. oh that was mine?
  81. WHERE’S COACH?????
  82. 2nd place!!
  83. sorry we didn’t win but i gained 2 lifelong friends <3 
  84. this game is weird
  85. controllers bein weird
  86. wtf tv is being so weird
  87. sorry my mom was being weird 
  88. hm all of that was very weird
  89. ah!! someone is steering my car remotely like the Penguin in Batman Returns!!
  90. sorry sun got in my eyes
  91. sorry son got in my eyes 
  92. sorry just practicing for driving test irl 
  93. I just really wanna go back to the main menu and hear some of those sick tunes
  94. I never learned how to read
  95. I thought I was one of the other cars for like a good 15 minutes
  96. turns out my older brother didn’t even give me a controller that was plugged in
  97. ok look it kinda IS rocket science though, it’s rocket league science
  98. wait is this not Fall Guys???
  99. i just don’t like you guys that much
  100. Fuck that we won

Call of Duty Fixes UI Problem by Adding Button That Opens Fortnite

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision has responded to complaints about the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II UI by adding a button that opens up Fortnite instead.

“Players have been complaining to us quite a bit about the fact that it is incredibly difficult to navigate the Modern Warfare II menus and party up with your friends. Well we decided to finally add a button that makes it easier for you to do that, by opening up Fortnite instead,” said a post on the official Call of Duty blog today. “This new button will make it much easier to play with friends and even adds hundreds of cool new costumes like Goku and Master Chief. Not to mention cool challenges, weekly updates to the map, and fun little dances to do in-game.”

“If you don’t like that, well, sorry, but playing a game with a crappy UI that makes it impossible to navigate is the price you have to pay for playing a game for grown-ups,” the blog post continued. “Call of Duty is a war simulator and war is hell — right down to the fact that selecting games should feel like a shitty version of Hulu.”

Fans of the game had mixed responses to the new button.

“Finally a button that fixes all of my problems once and for all. No more struggling to join friends, no more swiping through menus, and no more grinding out games to get new parts for guns I want to try out,” said Twitter user Hal0suX94. “Plus, I’ve always wanted to be able to do Gangnam Style after getting a kill.”

“This is such fucking bullshit. I cannot even find where the button is! The system is still goddamn broken!!!!!” said Redditor Born2Chill66666. “FUCK ACTIVISION!!! I’M SO MAD I MIGHT PLAY FUCKING FORTNITE”

At press time, Activision engineers were trying to fix a glitch that made the “Open Up Fortnite” button just open up Call of Duty: Warzone.

The Best Skill Tree Upgrades in Sonic Frontiers

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Sonic Frontiers brings a host of new features, including a skill tree with some of the best upgrades to the Blue Blur’s moveset yet. Frontiers‘ “open zone” approach to design means more ways to traverse, and a lot more interesting combat. The combat is what the skill tree focuses on, developing Sonic’s skill in taking on the Starfall Islands’ mysterious combatants.

Wondering which of these skillsets to unlock first? Fear no longer! We’ll walk you through the available skills, and how to choose the best ones to make your combat experience in Sonic Frontiers smooth.

Sonic Frontiers: What Are the Best Upgrades in the Skill Tree?

Sonic Frontiers' skill tree has a few best upgrades to prioritize.

In general, your best practice will be to upgrade the left side of the skill tree. Most of the game’s best abilities are on that side of the tree. The exception on this side is auto combo (seen in the above photo on the far left). Luckily, this is an upgrade that you can ignore on your way to unlocking the other useful and powerful skills on the left side of the tree.

The first of these is Sonic Boom. Sonic Boom allows the Blue Blur to attack his enemies from a safe, ranged position. The shockwaves that this attack utilize are weaker than Sonic’s up close attacks that his Homing Attack leads into, but are much faster. Use this skill to your advantage when approaching an enemy is too dangerous, or to help extend a combo further.

Another useful attack on this side is the Homing Shot. Where the Homing Attack is an close combat maneuver that seeks enemies, the Homing Shot is a ranged attack that seeks enemies. The energy projectiles, like Sonic Boom’s shockwaves, aren’t as powerful as close combat attacks, but are fast and safe to make up for it.

This branch of the skill tree is finished off with Recovery Smash. When knocked back by an enemy, when this skill is unlocked, Sonic can press your controller’s jump button (X on PlayStation, A on Xbox/Switch) to immediately counter. In Sonic’s admittedly limited defensive movepool, Recovery Smash will be a boon for players, even though it isn’t unlocked until relatively late in the game.

Those are the best upgrades in Sonic Frontiers‘ series-first skill tree. While you could go the route of a more balanced skill tree to increase Sonic’s close combat capabilities, the three skills listed above make pursuing the left branch of the skill tree much more worth your time. Your better ranged capabilities and defensive moves will be a boon for some of the game’s harder combat encounters.

Sonic Frontiers Stage 1-2: How to Get Sky Sanctuary S Rank

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Getting an S rank on Stage 1-2, Sonic Frontiers‘ second level, is tough. Whether you want to be a completionist, or you just want to stockpile extra keys at the beginning of the game, getting an S rank on this level will be helpful for your playthrough. However, this Sky Sanctuary-like level can be a bit unforgiving.

Fear not! Luckily, I spent an embarrassingly long time bashing my head to figure out the optimal pathing for this level. It may not be the best path, but it is a simple path to an S rank, so you can get on with exploring the rest of the Starfall Islands.

Sonic Frontiers Stage 1-2 S Rank: How to Get an S Rank on Sky Sanctuary

The S Rank on Sonic Frontiers Stage 1-2, Sky Sanctuary.

It can seem a bit daunting on your first few runs, but getting an S rank on Stage 1-2 of Sonic Frontiers is just a matter of knowing the right path. At the beginning, you’ll want to stay entirely on the ground. As tempting as the hoops in the air might be, staying grounded helps you do two things right.

First, you can maximize your boost. While it doesn’t give you as much of a speed boost as previous games’ boost did, the extra speed still helps. Second, you can take advantage of the boost panels on the ground. These give Sonic a very noticeable speed increase. Just be wary of quick stepping during this section, as it tends to put you in a bad position and halt your momentum.

After the first section, it’s pretty by the books for a while. Use your Homing Attack on Eggman’s bots to move, then Homing Attack to the handles to pull yourself up. After the second handle, boost to move through the air, then use a Homing Attack chain to move across the balloons. One thing to keep in mind is that it isn’t a huge deal if the boost puts you below the balloons. As long as you don’t fall too far, your Homing Attack will snap you to the nearest target.

Finally, the rail sections finish this level off. For the first set of rails, the objective is pretty straightforward. Hold your boost button when you can, and try to avoid the springs, as these will almost certainly kill your momentum. After you finish this rail, you’ll have a bit of runway, then jump through the hoop to get to a checkpoint.

This rail section is largely the same.as the previous. Except this time, instead of springs, there are actual obstacles to avoid. Dodge these obstacles by switching rails using the left stick, and hold boost when on a straightaway. If you need to jump through hoops to avoid the obstacles, that’s alright. I didn’t find that they had a large impact on my time. You should then reach another checkpoint: the final stretch.

At this checkpoint, keep boosting forward and jump through the hoops. The hoops will lead to a straightaway into a rail. Ride this rail, jump off at the end, boost, then Homing Attack into the spring. This should bring you to the end of Sonic Frontiers Stage 1-2 with your shiny new S Rank!

Marvel Snap Season 2: All About Warriors of Wakanda

Posted on by Parker Johnson

The mobile game taking the world by storm, Marvel Snap, is getting more content starting today with Season 2. After introducing the game’s full release with a season themed around the symbiotes, featuring Miles Morales as a unique card, and new variants for heroes like Spider-Woman.

It looks like Marvel Snap‘s season 2, though, will do something a bit different. The new season is titled “Warriors of Wakanda.” This is an obvious tie-in with the upcoming Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, and features numerous characters from the movie. New variants, new avatars, and even a new card featuring characters from Wakanda both new and old to Marvel Snap.

Marvel Snap: Season 2 (Warriors of Wakanda) Battle Pass

A new season brings a new battle pass with new rewards, including variants, and Black Panther, the season’s new card. We’ll get more in-depth on Black Panther himself more below, but here are all of the other rewards you can expect to earn on your way to this Season’s tier 50 reward: the Ancestors variant for Black Panther.

  • Black Panther: Base Card (paid only)
  • Black Panther Ancestors variant (paid only)
  • A new Nakia variant (paid only)
  • A new Okoye variant (paid only)
  • 60 Okoye boosters (paid only)
  • 60 Nakia Boosters (paid only)
  • 90 Black Panther Boosters (paid only)
  • Nakia avatar (paid only)
  • Okoye avatar (paid only)
  • T’Challa avatar (paid only)
  • Black Panther card back (paid only)
  • 1200 gold (300 in free battle pass)
  • 2700 credits (2200 in free battle pass)
  • 90 Boosters for random cards (75 in free battle pass)
  • 4 Mystery Variants (2 in free battle pass)

Marvel Snap Season 2 New Card: Black Panther

The Black Panther Ancestors variant in Marvel Snap.
This Black Panther variant card is the tier 50 prize in this season.

 

 

With the new season and battle pass, Marvel Snap‘s War for Wakanda is headlined by a new card: none other than the Black Panther himself. The base stats of the card aren’t that impressive on their own: he costs 5 energy, and has 4 power. However, his ability is quite interesting: “On Reveal: Double this card’s power.”

There’s a few combos that seem like they would be good combos with this ability. Naturally, two of the best characters to combine are other Wakandans. Nakia (On Reveal: Give the 2 leftmost cards in your hand +2 power), Shuri (On Reveal: Double the power of the next card you play), and Okoye (On Reveal: Give every card in your deck +1 power) are great pairings for this card. If there’s an especially competitive location, perhaps even Odin (On Reveal: Activate the On Reveal abilities of your other cards at this location) could be a good pair for Black Panther. But, as the meta around this new card develops, I’m sure other great pairings will emerge!