Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

“Tom Cruise Insisted on Doing All of the Film’s Stunts” — Everything We Know About ‘Gran Turismo’

Posted on July 28, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

The cinematic adaptation of long running driving simulation video game series Gran Turismo premieres on August 8th. We thought we’d help you get geared up for the film’s release with this list of things we know about it so far. Cars have gears! That’s why I said that!

Orlando Bloom will play a man that’s slowly transforming into a Ford Focus

With a big grotesque spoiler on the back of his neck by the end and everything.

Tom Cruise insisted on doing all the film’s stunts

Despite his exclusion from the film’s cast, Tom Cruise reportedly came by the set on multiple occasions and performed dangerous stunts for free, before running away while loudly insisting nobody thanked him.

Exciting promotions for gamers

If you bring your PlayStation controller to the movie theater, they will let you into Gran Turismo for free.

From the director of ‘District 9’

No one is sure why he waited 14 years to release a follow-up movie, but we’re excited nonetheless!

Running time of over 5 hours

Fans of the game have said this isn’t a big deal to them. Frankly, they wish it was longer.

Cars do not transform into humanoid form

*Yaaaaaaawn*

Due to the SAG-AFTRA strike, this car will have to handle all promotional duties

“It cannot do that,” said director Neill Blomkamp, when notified of Gran Turismo’s modified press tour. “It is a car.”

Expected to break records

There are like, so many records. I’m sure this will get something. Biggest August opening for a movie based on a video game or something. Congrats I guess.

Based on a true story

Gran Turismo tells the awe-inspiring underdog tale of a studio with an IP they wanted to turn into a profitable movie during a crowded summer.

Movie will begin with extensive portrayals of drivers acquiring different licenses

Critics at early screenings describe the first 30 minutes, which extensively cover the main character performing various parking tests, as “boring, but absolutely necessary to the rest of the film.”

“Did You Talk to Any of My Daughters?” Hard Drive Interviews Duke Nukem

Posted on July 28, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

When former video game star and controversial public figure Duke Nukem asked me to meet him somewhere called ‘Piss Alley,’ I figured it was one of his signature jokes. When I entered the directions into my GPS, however, I discovered that Piss Alley was all too real, and that Duke Nukem is in a pretty bad way these days. Even if you put the name aside, this was a disgusting alley. Pretty sure people piss in it, too.

Having done enough of these disastrous interviews, I figured I would just get down to business and chat with Duke and get up and leave before any more trouble could find us. He was laying face down in Piss Alley, the rain appearing to be the closest thing he had to a shower in weeks. Whatever. I was going to be a journalist today, not a fan. I was going to get my story, and get out.

At least that was the plan.

~~~

Hard Drive: Hey Duke, thanks for agreeing to meet with me. I found the place no problem.

Duke Nukem: That’s great. Are you the hitman I hired to kill me last month?

Hard Drive: No Duke, I’m with Hard Drive magazine. Actually it’s a website. I’m with Hard Drive website. We have an interview scheduled.

Duke Nukem: Oh ok. That makes sense. I gave that hitman a bad check.

Hard Drive: Geez man, that’s pretty grim. Maybe things will pick up and you can afford to pay a hitman to uh, kill you sometime soon?

Duke Nukem: Ah geez kid, you’re right. Here, wanna help me up?

~~~

Duke Nukem is still very strong. My attempt to help him up just resulted in him pulling me to the ground, into the same puddle as him. Which I’m pretty sure he’d been pissing in. For how many beers he was drinking, I don’t see how he wasn’t. Still though, he was forthcoming and generous, even sharing his warm beers with me.

Do you want to know something weird? Laying in a puddle and finding out what Duke Nukem’s been up to as a thunderstorm raged above us somehow wasn’t even the worst interview I’d done in a while. It was kind of the best, actually.

~~~~

Duke Nukem: See, the nice thing about laying in a puddle and getting drunk in the rain, is you are kind of showering the whole time, so you don’t feel as bad about yourself. Then you pass out, take a soak, and wake up feeling great. Like a new man.

Hard Drive: So do you do this a lot?

Duke Nukem: Well, I live in Piss Alley, and it’s been raining a lot this summer, so yes. I do this a lot. You got a problem with that, or am I gonna have to get medieval on your ass?

Hard Drive: Oh no, not at all Duke. I was just asking.

Duke Nukem: Hey lighten up, I’m just giving you a bit of the schtick. Hail to the king, baby.

Hard Drive: That’s great, Duke.

Duke Nukem: You want me to say it again?

Hard Drive: You don’t have to.

Duke Nukem: Hail to the king, baby.

Hard Drive: Nice.

Duke Nukem: Sorry I keep saying it.

Hard Drive: No, it’s fine.

Duke Nukem: No, it’s annoying. But, somewhere along the way it went from being one of my catchphrases to being like, I don’t know, some freakin’ mantra or something. When I catch myself getting down about how far I’ve fallen, how much money I’ve lost, how many friends I let down, I just close my eyes and remember the good ol’ days and say “Hail to the king, baby,” and it makes everything feel a little better.

Hard Drive: Well, it’s good to have something like that.

Duke Nukem: I think so. Say, have you been working on this article about me for very long?

Hard Drive: A little bit. I did some research earlier in the week and spoke to some folks about you. Nothing major.

Duke Nukem: Did you talk to any of my daughters?

Hard Drive: No. They all said no.

Duke Nukem: Hail to the king, baby. Hail to the king.

Hard Drive: I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to say anything, but I don’t want to lie.

Duke Nukem: No, that’s fine. Wow. You contacted them all, huh?

Hard Drive: Yeah.

Duke Nukem: Chloe said no? And Stephanie?

Hard Drive: Yes, they both wrote me back rather quickly.

Duke Nukem: What about Budweiser?

Hard Drive: Same. Texted me and asked to never contact her again.

Duke Nukem: Man. That’s my baby girl. That hurts.

Hard Drive: Sorry, Duke.

Duke Nukem: Not your fault. Say, do you need another beer?

Hard Drive: No, mine’s still pretty full. But thanks.

Duke Nukem: I think it just got rained in. You have to learn to kind of hover over your can, so the rainwater doesn’t get into your beer.

Hard Drive: Oh wow, you’re right. I thought this tasted weird. I’ll take another one.

~~~

And so we had another. And another. And the interview turned into a hang. He told me which Mortal Kombat stars he’d fooled around with and which ones he hadn’t. He told me off the record stories about how him, Gex, Bubsy, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tobey Maguire (known as ‘The Pussy Posse’ in the ’90s) used to cruise NYC for chicks. I noticed at one point that we were drinking Miller Lite’s. I wonder if Budweiser’s made him too sad.

We drank and laughed into the night, sitting close to stay as warm as possible in the puddle we were sharing. Even if I wanted to tell you half the stuff we talked about, my notes washed away in the rain along with all of the stress from this abysmal series of interviews I’d spent the last few months working on. I soaked overnight and to my surprise, woke up feeling refreshed.

I was all alone, but less lonely. I’d made a new friend. Although he wasn’t around when I woke up, and my wallet and jacket were gone, and I’m pretty sure he pissed on me, Duke was right. I woke up in that alley and felt like a new man. Hail to the king, baby.

Dry Bones Defending Bowser’s Castle Just Wants to Make It Home in 206 Pieces

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Liam Stephenson

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A Dry Bones nearing the end of his second tour of duty is reportedly just focused on making it home safe and sound in 206 pieces if that’s what it takes, sources have confirmed.

“I don’t even care what happens to me,” said the Dry Bones in question. “Mail my parts back home in a box. Hell, mail my parts home in 200 boxes, I don’t care! My wife will know what to do as far as opening all the boxes and putting my parts all next to each other. I just hope I don’t fall down some pit or get devoured by a Yoshi and turned into a fireball. I think I’m done for if any of that happens? I’m not sure, scientists actually can’t figure out that much about us. They don’t know shit about why we resurrect and stuff like that. I just really want to make it home, one piece or not.”

Mushroom Kingdom scientists confirmed that not a lot is known about the Dry Bones and their connection to life eternal.

“It’s the damndest thing,” said Dr. Scott Bartholomew, an anthropologist that’s studied Dry Bones specimens in the past. “These are beings with absolutely otherworldly power, and yet, they’re often dispatched to some of the easiest assignments Bowser has, like guarding pipes that don’t even do anything sometimes. We should probably be studying these guys and doing everything we can to utilize their immortality and all that. But as it is, we’re losing a lot of them to things like lava and bottomless pits. An awful lot. A lot of them have been asked to be transferred over to the baseball team, but sadly, there’s just not that many spots.”

As of press time, Bowser solemnly arrived at the Dry Bones’ home, with a folded flag and bouquet of fire flowers.

Disturbing Study Reveals That Being Found Is the Only Way Koroks Can Get Off

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Andy Holt

HYRULE — Scientists have released an unsettling new study into Koroks, confirming that being found by a great Hero is the only way the wooden creatures can achieve orgasm.

“We wish we had better news for you here today, but as scientists, we have a duty to report the unvarnished truth as we have learned it,” said Duloh, leader of the research team, during a somber press conference to reveal their findings. “We’re not going to sugarcoat it, folks: those little freaks have been busting this whole time.”

Researchers claimed they made the shocking discovery by mistake, while studying the ‘poof’ that happens when Koroks are found in their hiding places.

“It started out totally innocent. We just wanted to know how Koroks can appear from a cloud of dust like that. Turns out it’s not dust at all. It’s … well, you can read the report if you want to know. I sure wish I had known when I took the sample,” said Erah, the project intern, staring off into the distance. “Maybe it’s better I didn’t know.”

The report describes in detail what happens when a Korok is discovered by a Hero who holds the fate of Hyrule in his hands.

“The state of the hidden Korok is one of agony. The tension builds, sometimes for years, until they are desperate for the relief of being found in their clever hiding spot. What follows is a complex mating ritual — the cloud of spore-like particles, the display of colorful leaves as proof of their sexual maturity, the unique click-clacking sound that occurs at the absolute climax,” reads the report in part. “Twigs are their dicks.”

At press time, the scientists were tip-toeing silently out of the conference room, hoping not to accidentally uncover any Koroks.

Every Evangelion Angel Ranked by How Caring a Boyfriend They’d Be

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Rob Steinberg

Look, we’ve all dedicated hours of drawing lessons to perfect fan art of Shinji and Kowaru together as the perfect couple. But of all the angels, is Kowaru the best dating option? Let’s look at who the options are for which Angel would be the best boyfriend material.

#17 — Bardiel

Bardiel will manipulates the hell out of anyone they encounter. They will make you lose contact with all your friends because they have “toxic energy” or some shit. By the end you’ll be questioning all the decisions that led you to being with them.

#16 — Arael

Arael thinks negging is a pick up skill. Will bring up sensitive issues from your past without any care. Wears a “triggered much?” t-shirt over their celestial body.

#15 — Iruel

Doesn’t have a body but still somehow really needs a shower. Uses your computer for sketchy websites. Thinks they’re smarter than you despite that you’re both living at your parents house.

#14 — Adam

You constantly try to meet up with him but have no clue where he is and is annoying to get a hold of. They’ll text you days later and say “hey sorry just saw this” then not respond for another few days. Spends time with Gendo so has annoying friends.

#13 — Matarael

Cries to get what they want. Total loser.

#12 — Leliel

Will take you to some great art events around the city. You’ll be amazed by this at first but as time goes will drag you into his problems and make them yours. Waaay too into their own looks. How everyone perceives them is everything.

#11 — Sahaquiel

Will smother you with attention and be in denial when told it’s too much. Let me tell you from experience: you don’t wanna date a guy whose just two weird big hands and an eye.

#10 — Sandalphon

You met Sandalphon when he was a baby. Do you really want to date a baby? Sure he grows up, but it doesn’t matter because first impressions are everything.

#9 — Ramiel

Ramiel is only interested in sex. Not even interested in foreplay or anything kinky. Rebuild version is kinkier but when it comes to the original Ramiel is just into plain ol’ missionary drilling. Either way doesn’t care about any meaningful connections.

#8 — Shamshel

Tries to be a good lover but is just awkward around you. Doesn’t know what to do with their hands so they just flail everywhere.

#7 — Lilith

Everyone tries to hook up with Lilith so you have to work extra hard to get their attention. But if that’s the case, they will always be thinking about their other options in the back of their mind.

#6 — Sachiel

Sachiel seems special because he’s the first angel you ever met, but in hindsight is the most basic, bland type of boyfriend you could possibly meet. Probably tried to impress you with a Sublime song.

#5 — Gaghiel

A pool boy. Summer fling at best. Likes to wrestle. Your not serious about him, he’s not serious about you, just let things happen and move on.

#4 — Tabris

Tabris is very caring. He will make you feel like the most important one in the room. Sometimes however, it feels like he’s only saying what you want to hear. People might be upset about this ranking, but it’s a little too weird that he never disagreed with you once, ya know?

#3 — Israfel

He is all about synchronicity. Communication is everything for this guy. He also prefers seeing multiple partners at once and will make you have to have dinner with the other members of the open relationship. They are respectful to everyone, but it can be very exhausting.

#2 — Armisael

Really is all about trying to know the real you. Knows how to talk to you like no one else does. Is all about sharing their feelings.

#1 — Zeruel

Just look at those arms. This is someone who likes to hug, likes to cuddle. Plus the broad shoulders that ooze confidence. This is one angel who lives their own life but will be there for yours. Makes you feel free of any constraints holding you back.

Every Upcoming Mattel Adaptation Ranked by Their Cinematic Potential

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Well, we’re off to the races. Barbie is this decade’s Iron Man, which means somewhere around the time the fourth DOA Fantastic Four movie arrives we’ll also be up to our sweet asses in movies based on toys and getting sick of it. There’s a recently released list of 14 properties Mattel is planning on following up Barbie with, and to be frank, it’s largely pretty absurd. I’ve ranked them all based on how well I think they lend themselves to being turned into movies. Yes, I know that a lot of these have specific writers, directors, or actors attached to them that I don’t mention here, and that’s fine. I don’t care.

14. Christmas Balloon

This one is just some heart warming true story about a girl tying a wish list to a balloon and some lovely couple finding it and hooking her up. There’s definitely a story there, but when you think about it, damn, they gave this balloon a movie. I can’t get anyone to read my screenplay, but they’re out here giving movies to balloons. Maybe I should learn to code or work on cars or something. A damn balloon! Ahh!

13. UNO

I think I’d rather eat a deck of cards than sit through some Flamin’ Hot bullshit about the guys that made up UNO. How exactly do you adapt a card game best known for making people argue? Beats me. They’ll probably do some Jumanji-inspired thing. Kid’s gonna turn his neighborhood green. No thanks. Also, you can play a Draw Four on a Draw Four to stack it to the next player. On this, there is no debate.

12. View Master

View Master was a little headset to stare at 3-D photographs in, like VR with JPEGs. I’d love it if View Master went ballsy and committed to just being still images of a random episode of Star Trek paused for a few minutes at a time up on the screen like a slideshow. But no, they’ll probably just have some kids find a spooky one or something.

11. Polly Pocket

There were a lot of toys where the appeal was “Hey kids, this thing is like, really small.” I suspect toy companies liked these because they were cheaper to produce than larger models, and I think kids responded to them due to a mix of novelty and the fact that they were toys that were easily smuggled into school and funerals. Makes sense to me. However, as a film, I don’t see the appeal. I’m not sure how many people saw Barbie and said, “Great, but can everything be smaller and less recognizable?”

10. Magic 8-Ball

Clearly pretty dumb, but I do think our shared familiarity with the Magic 8-Ball could work in its favor. We’ve spent a lifetime reading the same half dozen things these things ever say. Imagine the horror if someone asked a Magic 8-Ball if they were going to die soon and the answer said “You bet your ass, Dylan!” Now that’s actually pretty scary. View Master could never.

9. American Girl

Okay, this one is dolls. You can totally do dolls. Barbie, Child’s Play, Bratz, hell, G.I. Joe, they’re all dolls. Guys & Dolls. Welcome to the Dollhouse. The list goes on. Trolls. They did Trolls, right? Probably. So yeah, if all that shit can be a movie, then these dolls that shares a name with a Tom Petty song that be used in the trailer definitely get to be a movie.

8. Hot Wheels

All of these movies have some cinematic appeal if you go The LEGO Movie route, but I think that’s a cop out at this point. I don’t want cute and meta, I want a world where tiny cars roam the house because it’s their whole world. I want to see Fury Road on the kitchen table. Hot Wheels could be cool as hell, and JJ Abrams better not mess it up, because we’re probably about two years away from a Micro Machines movie that’s just gonna pick up whatever bag gets fumbled here. At least Micro Machines has a human involved with it, too. Give me the movie about this guy.

7. Matchbox

Oh, like Matchbox cars? Okay, forget what I said about the Micro Machines movie in the Hot Wheels entry and apply it here to Matchbox cars. Yeah, I really think the second Mattel movie based on little toy cars could be the one that pops off. I’m calling it. Oh and hey, Mattel already has the rights to “Push,” by Matchbox 20 after Barbie, so that feels like a no brainer here.

6. Barney

Daniel Kaluuya has said that this Barney story will be darker than fans might expect. I guarantee you that at some point you’ll hear a few piano notes and some children singing the classic song all spooky like: “I love youuuu/You love meeeeeee.” I hate to admit it, but yeah, compared to the rest of this shit there’s cinematic potential there. Especially if they book the Charles Barkley cameo this thing is begging for.

5. Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots

They have made a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots movie every few years since I was a kid. From Robot Jox to Real Steel. So yeah man, come do your thing king, they’ve been ripping you off for years. And hey, there’s no way this comes out any worse than Robot Wars, the inferior sequel to Robot Jox. (I really just can’t believe I get to write about Robot Jox. Look at this shit!)

4. Major Matt Mason

This is some astronaut shit from the ’60s so it should come to nobody’s surprise that Tom Hanks is all over it. You know how Tom Cruise keeps wanting to do bigger and better stunts? Tom Hanks has that same level of passion, except it’s reserved for the couple of times we let some dorks jump around on the Moon 50 years ago. Anyway, this one makes sense as a movie. Honestly, the worst thing going against it is the fact that they made that weird Lightyear thing last year, because they could probably just to something like that here.

3. Thomas & Friends

In my opinion, an adaptation of a television series that ran for over 35 years ought to provide a little more natural to turn into a film than some of the literal household objects found elsewhere on the list. I don’t think that’s a very bold claim to make. Also, did you ever see that Skyrim mod where they put Thomas in there? Dude is begging to be on the big screen.

2. Wishbone

Wishbonnnnnne!! I don’t know very much about you, but look what a good boy you are. I’ve seen you around but never knew your whole deal. Wikipedia tells me you relieve old literature. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s probably as cool and plausible as solving mysteries or playing basketball. Sounds good to me. I love you, Wishbone.

1. Masters of the Universe

This one has the most cinematic appeal by far. And I’m not just saying this because 1987’s Masters of the Universe film was the first movie I got way too into as a child. This property has a fanbase, a bunch of stories, and a deep cast of characters. The rest of this list is like, toy buckets and shit. He-Man rules, and I don’t want to watch a movie about a Magic 8-Ball unless it’s the sequel to Cocaine Bear.

Are the Aliens Real? We Investigated BOTH SIDES of the Argument and Found the TRUTH

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Are there actually aliens out there on our planet? With all the disinformation, it’s so hard to tell what’s real and what’s fake. Thankfully, we’ve gone through the details and found the arguments on both sides of this issue, presenting for you to make your own conclusion. Here’s all the YESes and all the NOs!

YES: Everything is terrible, so why not?

From global pandemics, to invasions of killer bugs, to tornadoes made of fire, it seems like every single day we get news that the world is an even more horrifying hellhole than the day it was before. So fuck it. Why not aliens now?

NO: Intelligence agents literally lie about everything

Oh wow, the guy who just recovered from Havana Syndrome says he saw a little green guy? Let me guess: the aliens just took over a bunch of countries in the Middle East with huge supplies of oil and we’ve gotta go to war with them to SAVE EARTH!

YES: The guy from Blink-182 said he saw an alien

Blink-182 are the great thinkers of our time. From their Marxist sayings like, “work sucks, I know” to their contemplations on aging like, “nobody likes you when you’re 23,” Blink-182 has led millions to the everlasting fountain of knowledge.

NO: Blink-182 has not put out a good song in decades

Blink-182 can’t be on the forefront of the greatest scientific discovery of my generation. They just can’t be. This is like if Sum 41 stops climate change.

YES: There’s all sorts of crazy shit out there

One time I literally saw a ghost. Well, I didn’t see a ghost, but I felt the presence of a ghost. Like I was just sitting around and boom: it felt like there was another person in the room with me, even though there WASN’T. So anyway it’s pretty small-minded to think there’s not aliens.

NO: Humans are special

If there’s aliens out there in the world, then humans aren’t special anymore. Is that what you want? You don’t want to be a special little species anymore? What’s next, trying to make sure the planet doesn’t die?! GROW UP.

YES: You have to do your own research

It’s easy to say that the government is simply lying about having aliens, but if you just do all of your own independent research, you can connect the dots for yourself. Check out this blog that looks like it hasn’t been updated since 1995, but it HAS.

NO: I am not going to do my own research

I am not a scientist and I’m sorry but you sound like an anti-vaxxer. I write jokes about Waluigi doing sex acts for a living.

YES: Statistically, aliens must exist somewhere

If you think about how many gajillion planets there are in the universe, there simply HAS to be one that can also sustain sentient life. If you think aliens don’t exist anywhere in space then what you really don’t believe in is math. You’re on some 2+2=5 shit fr.

NO: Show me a picture of the aliens

If the government has actually obtained aliens, then they need to show me some kind of photo or video of the aliens that doesn’t look like it was taken with a device made in 1907. DO NOT tell me you have a “video” of an alien and then show me a black and white video of a dot “moving in a way that isn’t possible.”

YES: If you actually saw a picture of the aliens, you would still think it’s fake

One time I sent you a picture of the dog I got and you literally thought it was photoshopped because of the “pixels” until I brought you to my house and introduced you to the dog. If someone leaks a picture of the alien, you’re just gonna say it’s CGI or AI or “a really good drawing.”

NO: The government claimed to have a UFO and non-human bodies

That doesn’t even mean anything about aliens! That could literally be a piece of debris from a weird airplane that crashed into a squirrel! Wow, the President has obtained a hostile non-human body?! Yeah, he has three dogs that keep biting the shit out of people at the White House.

YES: Did you see that video of Mitch McConnell?

You cannot tell me it didn’t look like he was either possessed by an alien in that moment or he literally is an alien and his body suit malfunctioned. I’m sorry, I’m a reasonable person but I refuse to believe for a second that Mitch McConnell is a regular human being.

NO: Everybody who runs our country is 1,000 years old

The scarier reality than the potential existence of aliens is the fact that we are being ruled by an evil race of goblin-people whose bodies are withering away before our very eyes and they’re straight up just human politicians who are really old.

YES: It would be cool if aliens were real

I cannot keep waking up, going to work, eating dinner, watching a TV show, going to sleep, and doing the same thing the next day. We need aliens to be real. This shit is so goddamn boring. An alien race needs to blow up Boston with a laser or some shit or I’m gonna lose my mind.

NO: I’m rewatching The Sopranos

I’m only on season 2 and if aliens show up and destroy the power grid or some shit like that I’m going to dissociate and become untethered from reality.

CONCLUSION: Maybe aliens exist?

The important thing is that we are going to hedge our bets either way so that no matter what happens, we can point to something we said that was kind of true and we can gloat over everyone who was too cowardly to boldly predict the future like we have.

Pikmin 4 99% Sun-Speckled Terrace Guide: Hidden Treasure

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Eddie De Santiago

Looking to get past 99% completion in the Pikmin 4 Sun-Speckled Terrace? Pikmin 4 is finally out, and there are loads of goals to tackle with your Pikmin. Players are tasked with searching through several sprawling stages for treasures, castaways, and more. With the help of your faithful Pikmin and your dog-like companion, Oatchi, you’ll have to survive the dangers from the environment as well as various dangerous creatures that would love to prey on both you and the Pikmin, while completing missions and side quests to improve both you and Oatchi’s abilities. Some side quests involve retrieving 100% of the items on any given map, including treasures.

How to Find the Hidden Treasure

While most of the treasures are relatively easy to find (they’ll appear plainly in the world, or on the map) some are a little trickier to hunt down. They won’t appear on the map, and the only hints to their location are the Treasure Gauge (if you’ve purchased it from Russ) and Oatchi’s miraculous sense of smell. The Treasure Gauge can help if you’re already in the general vicinity, but if you’re down to the last piece of treasure in the area, Oatchi’s sense of smell is the way to go.

Command Oatchi to sniff out some treasure, and he’ll lead you right to it. Of course, that can be a bit trickier if you haven’t cleared out every other cave or treasure in the level, but we can tell you exactly where to find it so you can check it off your to-do list.

How to Get 100% on Sun-Speckled Terrace (Pikmin 4)

First, you need to at least locate Russ in one of the early caves you come across. Finding him is part of the main story, so you’ll likely locate him in your first few days in the Sun-Speckled Terrace. He unlocks the ability to convert Raw Material into dirt to complete bridges or climbing walls. Next, head to the incomplete bridge in the pictures below, it can be found near the second landing site, known as the Rugged Scaffold.

Next, you’ll need at least 39 pieces of Raw Material, the blue flakes found throughout the level. There’s even a few piles of the precious resource located near the bridge, which we’ve marked with the yellow and red in-game pins on the map below.

Once the bridge is complete, head across and take a right, to the location in the picture below. It looks like a dead end, but if you toss your Pikmin in the vicinity, or have Oatchi charge forward, they’ll likely start to dig – use our screenshots for reference if you’re having trouble finding it.

After a short while, the formerly-buried potato is now free, and you’ve found the trickiest treasure in the Sun-Speckled Terrace. You’ll need at least 7 Pikmin (or Oatchi and 4 Pikmin) to carry it back to your base.

“Who Knows, Even One Of Us Could Be Infected,” Says Mysterious Sweaty Man Coughing Blood Into Napkin

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Sam LiButti

INSIDE AN ABADONED GAS STATION — A wheezing, sickly looking man whose origins remain a mystery has informed the rest of the survivors that anyone among them could be infected, in between fits of coughing out blood into a wadded up napkin, other survivors have confirmed.

“It’s tough to say, it could be any of us,” said the mysterious survivor, who insists the bandages on his side don’t need to be changed, despite sopping with blood. “Before I found refuge here, I was wandering around the northern quadrant, and some people were only exposed to the air out there for a minute or two and came down with the infection. I saw this happen to like two dozen people while I was out there. I had my nose pulled up over my shirt though, so I think I’m fine. We can’t be too careful, though. It could literally be anybody.”

Scientists have warned that the new virus that’s infiltrated the world at an alarming rate has a multitude of visible symptoms, making certain detection difficult in many cases.

“It could literally be anyone you know,” said Dr. Melanie Hasker, a virologist at Purdue University, in an emergency broadcast that’s been playing on a loop, giving everything a cool, cinematic feel. “Your brother, your sister, the guy that joined your gang yesterday that won’t take off his coat in front of you and keeps swearing that he doesn’t care what he has to do to make it home, your next door neighbor. Literally anybody. Just be safe, and make sure you go out in pairs, because that’s as foolproof as a plan gets.”

As of press time, the mysterious sweaty man coughing blood into a napkin said that he didn’t mind taking first watch while everybody slept tonight.

Tinder User Pulls Ultra Rare Adult ‘Yu-Gi-Oh!’ Fan

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Local Tinder user Evangeline Beck was excited to have pulled a reportedly “Ultra Rare” Yu-Gi-Oh! fan on the dating app today, according to close sources.

“Oh man, it was so cool! I spend a lot of time swiping on Tinder and mostly just come across Commons: guys who like Pokémon,” explained Beck. “So it was really great to see a Yu-Gi-Oh! fan pop up, because that’s actually worth a lot more. Magic: The Gathering fans are Super Rare, of course, but the Yu-Gi-Oh! fans have that gold foil lettering on them that makes them a little bit special. I’d love to find a Secret Rare Flesh & Blood date on Tinder one day, but for now, I’m willing to potentially settle down with a simple Yu-Gi-Oh! lover if that’s what’s available for me. I understand my place; I’m no Pot of Greed.”

Beck’s Ultra Rare find on Tinder, a 36-year-old software engineer named Brian Hahn, was unsurprised to hear about the excitement.

“Of course women are excited to match with me on dating apps. I’ve got the heart of the cards,” Hahn said, rubbing a crumb off his Yami Yugi graphic tee shirt. “Women understand the power of a man who has memorized every aspect of the Yu-Gi-Oh! lore and knows all the different infinites in the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game. I’m not some lesser Hearthstone or Marvel Snap or Pokémon peon. I, myself, am a sort of Millennium Puzzle, and I grant massive power to whoever dares to wield me.”

At press time, Hahn reportedly called Beck a “bitch” after she said that, despite being excited about the find, that he “didn’t fit in [her] deck at this time.”

Photo via Xander Ashburn.