Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

Every Avenger Ranked by How Likely They’d Be to Save Me, a Muslim

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Aaraf Afzal

Earth’s Mightiest Heroes? More like Earth’s Mightiest MENACES! It’s no secret that the Avengers cause a lot of collateral damage — so they have to prioritize who to save and when. Ever since Thor flew through the local Halal Guys, I’ve found myself thinking about which ones I can count on to have my back if they know I’m Muslim. Here’s my best guess, arranged in a neatly ranked list based on existing reports.

#24 — Hawkeye

Some Americans go to Asia to “find themselves.” Hawkeye went on a five-year killing spree in Japan to lose himself. This man has not examined his biases a day in his life. If he sees me getting mugged, he’s tying up both of us “just in case.”

#23 — Scarlet Witch

She will simply kill me. It has nothing to do with my race / religion though, so I’ll take my chances with her over Hawkeye.

#22 — Nebula

I am not even in Nebula’s jurisdiction, but that’s okay. She spent a brief amount of time on Earth and picked up a “Blue Lives Matter” sticker for herself. She doesn’t totally get what it means, but that’s also okay.

#21 — War Machine

Rhodey is a military man first and foremost. I hear he’s saved a Muslim or two in his time, but he’s at least indirectly responsible for what happened to my buddy Yusuf. Some people don’t get Stark Tech to help them walk, Rhodey.

#20 — Nick Fury

Also a military guy, but at least we hang out. Fury always makes the time to chat with me at parties — but we both know: If there’s a fire, he’s ditching me to save the VIP room.

#19 — Black Widow

Natasha “doesn’t see color.” She also doesn’t see “me” trapped in the aftermath of all she’s wrought.

#18 — Vision

I had high hopes for Vision, but he got really into Jordan Peterson after the Sokovia Accords went down. Who is he to decide if my life is any more valuable than a serial killer’s? Impossible to say.

#17 — Thor

Thor says if he were my god, I wouldn’t have to pray five times a day — and he would let (make) me drink, and we could keep our shoes on in the mosque. I told him that’s not how it works and he’s being weirdly bitter about it.

#16 — Wasp

I don’t know how to explain it, but Wasp fasts during Ramadan. She doesn’t know any Muslims, but she likes to feel like she’s a part of something bigger.

#15 — Winter Soldier

Bucky thinks “woke culture has gone too far,” but he doesn’t see what religion has to do with anything. Sure, he’ll save an Islam.

#14 — Rocket Raccoon

I’m not under Rocket’s protection either, but he ranks above Nebula because he’s secretly a sweetheart who fights for marginalized lives everywhere. He’ll save me but he’ll kinda be a dick about it. “Can ya hook me up with some Muzz-lam tech?” No, man.

#13 — Doctor Strange

He took the Hippocratic oath. I don’t know or care if he’s racist. He is legally obligated to save me.

#12 — Iron Man

Depending on his mood, Tony would save me either because he’s (A) repenting for a lifetime of mistakes, or (B) really into shawarma. But he’d also pat me on the back for being “one of the good ones.” Between you and me, I think he was just as liable for Yusuf as Rhodey was. But Yusuf won’t hear it. He just really wants Tony Stark to sign his Iron Man merch.

#11 — Quicksilver

Quicksilver really wants to be friends, but he’s trying too hard in my opinion. He wants to speedrun the five prayers any% and he wants me to show him the beaches in Bangladesh sometime. He keeps saving me hoping it’s Ramadan, so he can say “Oh, you are fasting? Me too, haha.”

#10 — Shuri

Shuri doesn’t get out of Wakanda much — but if she gets a ping about me drowning off the coast, she’ll be at the scene. She has notes though. “Your form could have been better,” “You were wearing that near the water?” “Ew. Who is your barber? You should wear hijab,” etc.

#9 — Captain America

Steve Rogers is an egalitarian. I’m confident he’d move heaven and earth to save me. Half my family would be starstruck, but the other half would be disappointed. My uncle thinks it sends the wrong message about interventionism and I should’ve just taken the L on this one.

#8 — Shang-Chi

Shang-Chi lives in San Francisco, so he knows a bunch of Muslims in tech. He respects that I’m trying to make it as a writer and thinks I should open a Patreon (though he didn’t explicitly say he’d subscribe). My dad’s not an international crime lord, but honestly? We vibe.

#7 — Okoye

Okoye will save me — albeit reluctantly. For the record, she has nothing against Muslims. She just can’t stand gamers.

#6 — The Hulk

I don’t put much stock in heroes who say “Of course I’d save you! I have Muslim friends!” but Bruce Banner has seven PhDs. When he says he has Muslim friends, I believe him.

#5 — Captain Marvel

Of course she’d save me! She has a Muslim friend.

#4 — Falcon

Sam Wilson will pull me out of a burning car while giving me movie recommendations. It won’t be a Kumail Nanjiani flick either; he’s seen some foreign films about Muslims that’ll change my life.

#3 — Ant-Man

Not only will Scott save me, but he’ll also be really earnest when he asks “Whoa, not even a sketch?” “So if you can’t draw Allah, how do you know what He looks like?” “Do you have to say Peace Be Upon Him every time?” Honestly, he asks a lot of questions — but I appreciate him for trying to learn.

#2 — Spider-Man

Spider-Man grew up in Queens. He saves like 20 Muslims a day and probably donates clothes for Eid. Peter Parker is an honorary Muslim, MashaAllah.

#1 — Black Panther

T’Challa isn’t Muslim but he knows more about the faith than I do. He’ll save me in pretty much every scenario. The caveat: he’ll embarrass me so badly in front of my family that I might die afterwards.

Honorable Mention — Ms. Marvel

She’s not an Avenger yet, but I have to acknowledge there’s a Muslim superhero out there before someone badgers me about it. People keep asking me if I know her and I keep having to say “We don’t all know each other!” It’s so annoying.

(I do though. We met at a wedding.)

Masahiro Sakurai: “I Will Lock Myself in a Room With the Entire Cast of Smash Bros If Nintendo Doesn’t Let Me Make the Next Game”

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We had the chance to sit down with Super Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai and learn all about his process and history as an iconic video game developer!

How do you feel about the next Smash Bros game?

“I cannot imagine another Smash Bros game without me being involved. That’s why if Nintendo says no, I plan on locking myself in a room with the entire cast of Ultimate and murder/suiciding us all.”

Which Smash Bros character is your favorite?

“I love all my children equally. I birthed them, afterall! Ha ha. Bowser… he was tough to get out.”

Why can’t you imagine another Smash Bros game without you?

“No one else can be trusted with this technology. In my youth, I had a traumatic experience destroying a kid in Street Fighter. Now, I’ve vowed to never let a competitive fighting game fall into the wrong hands. I’m like Oppenheimer, truly.”

What features do you want to bring to Smash Bros 6?

“I’d like to make the main menu even more confusing. Ultimately, Smash Bros is a series about pushing the boundaries of how annoying a main menu can be.”

Are there any characters you wish could have been included Ultimate?

“What? 86 goddamn characters isn’t enough for you? Are you kidding me?! Screw you!!”

How do you feel about Crazy Hand?

“I do feel bad that we called him that word. It feels cruel. If I could go back and change the games, I’d definitely make them Master Hand and Different Hand.”

What’s it like being a famous game developer?

“I don’t consider myself a game developer. I’m a YouTuber.”

How has the industry changed since you began your career?

“Things are way more strict. When I started, they were all like ‘Do whatever you want with Yoshi. We don’t care about that dumb dino. Let all the characters beat his ass.’ Now, Yoshi is in prison for his various crimes.”

Why did you name the game Super Smash Bros. if only two of the characters are brothers?

“Nintendo would not let me name the game Super Bang Bros.”

Do you follow the competitive Ultimate scene at all?

“No, I could never find myself being a part of such a perverted group of people who think it’s OK to publicly play a video game competitively.”

Do you follow the Melee scene?

“I don’t follow Melee at all, but I will admit I did go to one tournament. And you could say it made me a little…crabby! 😉

What is your biggest regret in your career?

“E3 2014. I got the Sweet Southwest Chicken Strips for lunch when I should have gotten the Bacon Habanero Ranch Burger.”

How do you feel about Project M?

“It is sick to me to force characters, against their will, to revert to their Melee states. What if they liked to trip? They made so much progress as people and had that all ripped from them. For what? New meteor smash mechanics?!'”

Was wavedashing actually intentional?

“People would be surprised by how many seemingly intentional features were complete accidents. Until 2005, no one on the dev team had any idea that Marth is a boy.”

Did you know that if you shock Samus with Pikachu and pause at the perfect moment, you can see Samus naked?

“Yes, that’s intentional.”

What’s your favorite part of the development cycle?

“Playing two characters at the same time using two controllers in those videos we make to promote the games. That shit makes everybody go cray cray.”

What are you working on right now?

“Figuring out what color chairs to put in my office so that people think we’re going to add Master Chief as a playable character.”

How do you feel about the Mii fighters?

“They sicken me. People just use those to see themselves get stepped on by Zero Suit Samus. Disgusting.”

Which game in the franchise is your favorite?

“I dunno, they’re all basically the same shit.”

Do you consider Smash Bros. a fighting game?

“Smash Bros. is not a true fighting game, no. You can call it a ‘platform fighter’ if you’d like, but that’s not accurate. Because the characters don’t really fight. They love each other dearly.”

What do you think of the success of the Mario movie? Was it weird seeing Mario and Donkey Kong battle on a Smash Bros. style platform?

“Wait. The WHAT movie?!”

Our Uncle Works at Nintendo: Every Rumor We’ve Heard About Their Next Console

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Rumors are circulating about Nintendo’s long awaited follow up to their wildly successful 2017 Switch hardware. While very little is known for sure, here’s what has been reported so far:

New buttons

Following the A and B buttons, then C-stick, the D-pad, and e-Reader technology, the new Nintendo console will feature something merely known at this point as the “F-ball.” Nintendo has cautioned that this peripheral will be their first ‘adults-only’ product.

Backwards compatibility

Nintendo is reportedly going to make the new system fully backwards compatible with the Switch, meaning players’ purchases and save files will carry over to the new system. Unless they don’t!

Will feature access to games from retro systems like the NES and the Wii

That’s right, the Wii is 16 years old. Isn’t that so funny?

Will encourage gamers to stay active

In fact, Nintendo has confirmed that the system will be fully solar powered, meaning the system’s handheld functionality will be limited to players standing outside during nice weather.

Will be the most highly anticipated game system of 2013.

The specs are rumored to rival that of the PS4, and some even believe the system will have blu ray capabilities.

Fans will be accepting, no matter what Nintendo does

“Hard to imagine them not just absolutely nailing this,” said Dave Osborne, who just got into video games last week.

Games will be delicious

After developing technology that made Switch cartridges unappetizing to the taste buds of dogs and other animals, Nintendo wants to “go the other direction,” for this system, and apparently, “see how that goes.”

Requires constant connection

In addition to needing an internet connection at all times, the new Nintendo hardware will reportedly also require some part of it be touching you at all times, otherwise causing a system reformatting.

Doug Bowser has walked back recent controversial comments

Bowser: “My excitement over this upcoming console sadly caused a fervor in me that caused me to state that the new Nintendo system will have ‘more balls than the Chicago Bears locker room’. While I do not regret my enthusiasm, I regret my poor choice of words. I let my excitement for both our new system and the 2023 NFL season get the better of me, I’m afraid. I will do better. Go Bears.”

Will be permanently sticky

Nintendo apologizes for this, and hopes to figure out a solution in future models of the console.

All major Nintendo franchises expected to release installments on the new system

Except for Metroid Prime 4, of course.

Ditching HDMI, bringing back the RF adapter

“To appeal to the retro gamers out there,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser.

New Smash Bros. Game

In an attempt to somehow outdo the high bar set last time, the new Smash Bros game is heavily rumored to feature every prominent video game character ever created. Except for Geno and Waluigi.

New name

The next Nintendo console will be a massive departure from the Switch, and such, will have a bold new name. According to insiders, the new console will be called the “Switch U.”

Higher capabilities

Nintendo has promised that the next console will be far more powerful than the Switch, capable of joy-con drift levels the likes of which gamers have never seen.

Free tickets

Shigeru Miyamoto has promised to slip 5 golden tickets into boxes for the next Nintendo console, which will grant them a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the company’s infamous factories.

Rumored to release the second half of 2024

If so, please be cool with us reposting this once or twice, okay? Thank you!

Upgraded sound technology

In addition to the expected jump to 4K graphics, early leaks have revealed Mario’s common enemies like koopas and cheep cheeps expressing more accurate dying noises than ever before thanks to advances in sound technology. “It’s just too much,” said one anonymous person that had seen the footage. “I don’t want to hear all that.”

You have to know a guy

If you want to get your hands on one of these in the first year, that’s the deal. Sorry. Wasn’t this easier in 2006 when we all knew someone that worked at a GameStop?

Mom says you can’t keep it in your room

Don’t get mad at us. We’re just the ones telling you.

Every Final Fantasy Protagonist Ranked by How Well They Would Do on RuPaul’s Drag Race

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

There’s plenty of commentary online about the fashion choices Final Fantasy characters make. Whether they’re wearing vests that are inappropriate for the climate, styling their hair in ways that defy physics, or strapping an excessive number of belts in places they don’t belong, these characters certainly have a flair for the dramatic.

It’s not hard to imagine them taking their sartorial enthusiasm to its natural conclusion: drag. But which protagonist would bring home the Drag Race FF crown, winning ~~an enormous cash prize~~ a trip to Square Enix headquarters and the opportunity to appear in an upcoming mobile game? Check the list below to find out.

Note: Final Fantasy XI and XIV are MMOs, so the protagonist is a player-created character. Rather than leaving those games off the list, I’ve included the NPCs that usually represent the entries in other titles.

Honorable Mention — Warriors of Light (Final Fantasy)

Drag Name: They can never stick with one

You know the Warriors of Light from your local scene. They keep talking about how they’re going to submit a tape for Drag Race, but it’s absolutely wild they think they’d make it. They claim they’re “chameleons” and “pioneers” but they’ve only got six looks between the four of them — twelve, if we’re being generous. Question for the Warriors of Light: If you’re such iconic queens, why doesn’t anyone know your names?

24 — Cecil Harvey (Final Fantasy IV)

Drag Name: Mindy Moon

Out of drag, Cecil is stuffy, awkward, and modest. But once he puts on his makeup and gets on stage? Yeah, still stuffy, awkward, and modest. He’s having a good time, though, and won’t take it too personally when he gets the Porkchop treatment. He’ll be happy to watch from the sidelines and cheer on his friends.

23 — Luneth (Final Fantasy III)

Drag Name: Olivia Onion

Luneth sashays away very early after an embarrassing onion-themed Commercial Challenge. He will mention the Drag Race in all future marketing, but most people will honestly forget he was part of the cast at all.

22 — Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)

Drag Name: Lexx Soldier

He’s got the most drag experience of anyone on this list, sure. That doesn’t mean he would last very long. You know who else had a ton of experience? Joe Black and Vivacious.

21 — Gladiolus Amicitia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Gladiolus)

Drag Name: Gladdy Glucious

You know how it’s always neat at first when there’s more than one queen from the same scene and they know each other, but it gets grating really quickly? Imagine if there were five of them. Gladiolus is definitely going to be the most obnoxious about it. This might be wishful thinking, but I think he gets the chop early.

20 — Serah Farron (Final Fantasy XIII-2)

Drag Name: Thunder (Ugh, I know)

There will definitely be a bit of a Sugar and Spice vibe with Serah and Lightning because they’re siblings and everything they wear is off the rack. Everyone will hate them until Serah badly loses a Lip Sync For Your Life, earning her a little bit of sympathy out of sheer secondhand embarrassment.

19 — Firion (Final Fantasy II)

Drag Name: Rose Wild

All of the other queens would pay homage to Firion by talking about how much she inspired them when they were getting into the scene. Ru would let Firion stick around for a few weeks out of respect, but this new generation is just too much for him to handle, and frankly, he’s lost a step.

18 — Clive Rosfield (Final Fantasy XVI)

Drag Name: Cid the Outlaw

Once he learns about the plight of the Pit Crew, his whole world is going to be turned upside down.

17 — Noel Kreiss (Final Fantasy XIII-2)

Drag Name: Blu Blayze

Noel would fight really hard for a particular part during an Acting Challenge, then totally blow it by not going big enough. The guest judge would even give him that exact note in the rehearsal and he would act all grateful then give an even worse performance during the challenge.

16 — Zack Fair (Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII)

Drag Name: Zax Zymbol

Zack’s good looks, charming personality, and immediate aptitude at anything he tries should take him far, but he’ll eventually leave voluntarily, saying that competing against his friends is messing with his mental health. He’ll come to regret that decision and join a season of All Stars, where he’ll lose after Sephiroth chooses Zack’s lipstick despite the fact that they had formed an alliance.

15 — Prompto Argentum (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Prompto)

Drag Name: Cammie Rah

Prompto is a comedy queen who unexpectedly wins an early Photoshoot Challenge and gets way too big for his britches. Yeah, you know a lot about photography. You still can’t dance, Prompto.

14 — Bartz Klauser (Final Fantasy V)

Drag Name: Betty Batz

Bartz’s carefree attitude and frequent use of strange, old-timey expressions would definitely earn him an early reputation as a comedy queen. That will end up working against him when he totally bombs an Improvisation Mini Challenge. Sure, it’s not as bad as screwing up a Maxi or runway, but it would eat at him for the rest of the episode and torpedo his chances of avoiding a bottom two finish.

13 — Ignis Scientia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Ignis)

Drag Name: Spencer Spexx

Everyone would underestimate Ignis until there was a Stand-up Challenge or Roast. He would shock everyone with a clever and insightful routine, but would still get absolutely destroyed in the edit. Just hard cuts to stone-faced audience members interlaced with the other queens destroying him in talking head interviews. He’d also perform an impressive lip sync due to his heightened non-sight senses, but he’d still get the chop. Ru has seen enough.

12 — Y’shtola (Final Fantasy XIV)

Drag Name: Shtola Shade

Y’shtola plays high-status characters very well, but falls on her face when she needs to clown a little after being assigned Zidane in an Everybody Loves Puppets Challenge. Throughout the season, she provides some well-appreciated contrast with a few expertly-executed masc looks. Han Solo, Rambo, even Brando from Streetcar — just some really interesting ideas that you don’t see a lot on the show.

11 — Lightning (Final Fantasy XIII)

Drag Name: Lightning is already her drag name

After Serah gets sent home, Lightning will get a generous edit and keep advancing even when she totally doesn’t deserve to. Everyone will talk about how she has “grown” in the absence of her sister. Please.

10 — Tidus (Final Fantasy X)

Drag Name: Tiddy Blitz

TRADE ALERT! No, I don’t mean Tidus is getting dealt to another blitzball team. Unfortunately, he’s also dumb as a rock. This poor himbo is gonna get read to shreds, and he won’t even understand the jokes. Plus, his looks would get stale quick: “Oh, cool, you incorporated your passion for blitzball into your outfit. Again.”

9 — Noctis Lucis Caelum (Final Fantasy XV)

Drag Name: Lia Regal

So, yeah, he took his drag name from his dad’s car. There’s a lot to unpack there. But honestly, I think Noctis could really find himself through drag. He definitely possesses the leadership necessary to keep everyone in line during a Girl Group Challenge. He’s not finishing at the top, but he’d stick around for a bit.

8 — Vaan (Final Fantasy XII)

Drag Name: Ratsbane

Vaan hangs around way longer than you would expect, because nothing he does really stands out at all, good or bad. He does just well enough to get through the challenges, but eventually falls flat on his face when forced to improvise. He just freezes.

7 — Yuna (Final Fantasy X-2)

Drag Name: Tiny B.

Yuna would be in a fight for her life from week one. Luckily, her extensive wardrobe and status as a certified lip-sync assassin would keep her in the game longer than many would expect. Her downfall would come via a terrible impression of Paine during Snatch Game.

6 — Shantotto (Final Fantasy XI)

Drag Name: Doctor Shan

Shantotto isn’t here to make friends — in fact, she openly expresses her disdain about all of the other contestants, frequently mentioning how much better her drag is. The one person she respects is Ru, who she refers to exclusively as “Mother.” Despite a disappointing finish, she builds a strong brand, refusing to accept a future invitation to All Stars because she believes she’s gotten too big for the show.

5 — Ardyn Izunia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Ardyn)

Drag Name: Mars Sapientia

Ardyn doesn’t win, but he’s this season’s producer. He’ll be protected until close to the final challenge to maximize drama. It’s not entirely unearned, either. He’s incredible with makeup, which really helps him out during the Makeover Challenge, when they bring in Dragon Quest protagonists to try drag.

4 — Terra Branford (Final Fantasy VI)

Drag Name: Ann Igma

Terra would fly under the radar at first, managing to stay in the game with Moogle-inspired runway looks. Just as everyone started to sleep on her, she would take some rehearsal notes from Michelle to heart and absolutely own the Rusical. That performance alone would get her an appearance on All Stars sometime down the line.

3 — Vincent Valentine (Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII)

Drag Name: Vicky Sins

Vincent is a master at creating a striking silhouette. He might not have a ton of looks, but they’re all top tier. He’d kill the Photoshoot Challenge. Also, try and tell me that his whole taciturn persona isn’t just a bit that he’s way too committed to. You can’t.

2 — Squall Leonhart (Final Fantasy VIII)

Drag Name: Grace Griever

You might think that it would be difficult to incorporate a gunblade into a runway look every week, but you would be wrong. It’s a gunblade. It goes with everything.

1 — Zidane Tribal (Final Fantasy IX)

Drag Name: Tandy Lush

Zidane is Ru’s clear favorite from episode one. A bright, lively face in a sea of sullen countenances, Ru would protect Zidane even when he fucks up because he doesn’t know how to sew even thought there’s always a challenge that involves sewing. He even has the perfect “tragic backstory that belies his carefree persona” to share once he reaches the final four! There’s just no contest here. Unfortunately, the win will eventually be tarnished when the allegations of harassment surface.

Every Kong Family Member Ranked by How Likely They Are to Fall for a Pyramid Scheme

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Pyramid schemes, or multi-level marketing scams, tend to prey on the most vulnerable members of society: the elderly, the naïve, the financially downtrodden — you name it. Pyramid schemes are no laughing matter. Unless of course you put it into the perspective of “what if this happened to Donkey Kong and his family,” which is exactly what we are about to do here.

#14 — Manky Kong

Manky Kong’s relation to the Kong family at-large is tenuous at best, but despite angrily throwing barrels at Donkey Kong and his Kong brethren, he still proudly bears the Kong family name. It’s unclear, however, if Manky Kong is capable of understanding human language. I feel like if you tried to sell him on Herbalife or Amway, he’d probably just grab a steel girder from a nearby construction site and bash you over the head with it. The man is absolutely unbreakable.

#13 — Candy Kong

You know what they say– you can’t con a con man, or in this case, a con woman… ape… beautiful lady. Remember that hot girl you went to high school with who you’re still friends with on facebook for some reason, even though you barely ever talked to each other? You know how she’s always posting about being a female entrepreneur, getting people involved in some “exciting new dietary supplement”? Yeah, that’s Candy Kong. You try and scam her, buddy, she’s already got your number. And by that I mean your social security number. Come on man, what were you thinking? She’s not gonna talk to you.

#12 — Swanky Kong

Brother, let me tell you, Swanky has been around the block. He’s seen it all, and if you try to sell him on some sort of Ponzi scheme, he’ll say “I want in”. He could be your greatest ally, your greatest enemy, or both at the same time. No matter what, he’s already got you wrapped around his little finger, just like one of his several pinky rings. He is truly the Bernie Madoff of the Donkey Kong universe — except he’ll never get caught.

#11 — Tiny Kong

Kids these days are pretty resourceful, not to mention internet savvy. If Tiny Kong were to come across a shady DM from someone trying to get her to invest in a new app, she’d block them on sight and put them on blast on TikTok. She’s got a huge following on there too, so it’s wise to tread lightly. I mean, look at her. She’s even got a crossbow and everything. Do not cross Tiny Kong.

#10 — Cranky Kong

Cranky may be an old timer, but he’s no easy mark. I heard the last time one of those door-to-door knife salesmen showed up to his porch trying to cut him in on a sweet deal, well, let’s just say he wasn’t the one leaving there cut. Cranky’s been around since before the times of MLMs– actually, he claims to have invented the original pyramid scheme, but can’t remember what it was. He’s sure to be a hard sell, but not impossible if you butter him up by telling him how cool he was in the original Donkey Kong arcade game. “Yeah, that Jump Man guy was a total wimp! By the way, have you thought about investing in one of our life insurance policies?”

#9 — Donkey Kong Jr.

DK Jr. is only a hard sell to fall for a pyramid scheme because, well, nobody knows what the heck happened to him! Seriously, he is effectively MIA. It’s possible he fell for some kind of scheme at some point after appearing in Mario Tennis and then… never again since then. Regardless, everyone here at Hard Drive sends out their thoughts and prayers for the little guy. He would have loved Metabolife™.

#8 — Funky Kong

Naturally, Funky Kong is pretty hip to what’s going on. But, he’s not always in the right state of mind. Funky Kong likes to stay up late, hanging out in his hut while toking up and watching video essays on YouTube. That being said, he did get an email from a so-called “Prince of Nigeria” once and replied to it, but blocked him the next morning once he woke up and had a laugh over what he almost did. Too close of a call for comfort– if caught at the wrong moment, Funky could potentially lose his entire life savings in one careless click.

#7 — Lanky Kong

Man, no matter how many times I hang out with this guy, I can never get a good “read” on him. Lanky Kong is always saying the most random stuff, and it’s never really funny, or even relevant to the conversation at hand. It completely sucks the air out of the room… just like a balloon. So for that reason alone, I would have to place him firmly in the middle of this list. I feel like people are going to try and get him to buy into some sketchy upstart or something, and then just give up because he’ll keep saying stuff like “I am teh spork of doom!”

#6 — Dixie Kong

Dixie has always been sort of a “I’m just along for the ride” kind of girl. DK got kidnapped? “Sure, I’m there.” DK got kidnapped again? “Yeah, I don’t have much else going on.” Want to invest in a revolutionary new vacation package? “Well, do I only have to recruit 10 new members to start seeing a profit? Sure, sign me up.” It’s not her greatest trait, but she is reliable at least.

#5 — Diddy Kong

Diddy is a tricky one. He’s both a great deceiver, yet completely gullible at the same time. Apparently he tricked an old lady into letting him “borrow her credit card” so he could buy “pencils” to do his “homework”. Really gross, honestly. But at the same time, his pal DK tends to be a bad influence on him in other ways, with the two of them falling for traps left and right, and constantly getting stuck inside of barrels. It goes without saying that when they’re together, they could easily fall prey to a multi-level recruitment plan.

#4 — Chunky Kong

Chunky Kong hasn’t been seen in a while and that’s because, well, he’s in debt. Like, a lot of debt. He’s a total meathead who bought into some workout supplement he saw Candy Kong post about on facebook, decided to become an “executive investor” in the company, and then one day everything just goes totally belly-up and disappears. And the worst part is, he only found out about this when his gym called him to tell him that his card was declined. Live and learn though, as Chunky is currently working a few part-time jobs to try and get his credit score back up. Maybe they’ll let him be in one of the new games then.

#3 — Kiddy Kong

The phrase “like taking candy from a baby” comes to mind here. Kiddy Kong is Chunky Kong’s younger brother, and well, let’s just say intelligence doesn’t exactly run in the family. All you’d have to do is jingle some keys in front of his face to get him to do your bidding. Just hope he doesn’t exert some freak level of strength on you by shattering your ribs with a single headbutt. Keep some bananas on hand, and you’ll keep this big baby happy and willing to give you his mom’s credit card number.

#2 — Donkey Kong

He may be the leader of the bunch, you may know him well, but this Kong’s one gullible guy. Yes, despite being the flagship mascot for his respective video game series, it’s safe to say a lot of things wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for DK’s poor leadership. I mean, this is the same guy who hid a giant banana hoard right below his house with a big sign labeled “KONG’S BANANA HOARD” on it, and then immediately got kidnapped not once, but twice, and needed to be bailed out both times. If King K. Rool came knocking at his door wearing a very unconvincing salesperson outfit, saying he had an opportunity for an “investment that would totally pay off in dividends in less than 6 months,” DK would sign his life away before he could even finish his pitch. It’s no surprise that Cranky thinks of him as his idiot grandson… or is it son? What’s going on there anyway?

#1 — Wrinkly Kong

Yes, we all saw it coming. Wrinkly Kong is an absolute mark for this sort of thing, and it keeps happening over and over again. Her family had to cancel her cable package because she kept buying into everything she saw on the Home Shopping Network, and even let “the nice neighbor boy” borrow her credit card so he could buy some “pencils” to do his “homework”. It’s a travesty, honestly, but thanks to the Kong family’s watchful eye, she’s lost power of attorney and the ability to sign off on anything without a witness present. But unfortunately, she keeps a secret stash of cash around that she won’t tell anyone the location of, and continues to recklessly spend it on trinkets, knick-knacks, and timeshare investments.

Study Finds Average Person Swallows Seven Spider-Man Reboots Over Lifetime

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — A disturbing new report has confirmed that the average citizen swallows seven Spider-Man reboots during the course of their life, sources have confirmed.

“We’ve long suspected this, but now we have the hard evidence,” said David Lawrence, who lead the study conducted by scientists at UCLA. “Over the course of an average lifespan, the typical citizen will be subjected to roughly seven relaunches of Spider-Man, namely through movies, video games, and TV shows. For comic book readers those numbers skyrocket to unfathomable levels, but the bigger takeaway here is the sheer number of Spider-Man’s the average person swallows without even realizing it.”

Many were shocked at the findings of the study.

“Wow, I always thought that was an old wives’ tale or something,” said Sean Gulley, one of many people alarmed by the discovery. “But I can’t say it’s that surprising. You see so many Spider-Man reboots all over the place, it’s really not so crazy when you think about it. Should we be concerned about this at all? Or is it okay to be ingesting all of these Spider-Man reboots at this rate? I’m not scared of them, it’s just kind of creepy to think about.”

Others were less surprised by the study’s findings.

“Doesn’t shock me one bit,” said someone. “My bedroom was in a basement growing up, so that means I also saw shit like Spider-Man: The New Animated Series on MTV2, in addition to all of the common household ones you’d expect. So now as an adult, I don’t even bat an eye when I see a Spider-Man reboot. My cousin grew up in New York City and he says they get these big crazy Broadway Spider-Man’s up there. It sounds insane. Anyways, that’s life. Big deal. Very few of these Spider-Man reboots are actually that good. People just make a big deal out of them for some reason.”

As of press time, scientists had expressed concern at the alarming surge in Spider-Man 2’s in the last five years.

Bill Clinton Listed on Flight Logs to Maximillian Pegasus’s Private Island

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Joshua Hudson

WASHINGTON — A damning new report has revealed that former president Bill Clinton was seen on the flight logs to billionaire card-game creator Maximillian Pegasus’ private island in the Pacific Ocean.

“Yes, it is true that Mr. Clinton has visited Duelist Kingdom, the private island owned by Duel Monsters creator Maximillian Pegasus,” said a representative from Clinton’s legal team. “However, it is very important to note that Mr. Clinton was simply there as a favor for Mr. Pegasus, who donated a large sum of money to Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. Mr. Clinton did not play any card games at all and never once did he banish a child to the Shadow Realm.”

“Mr. Clinton did however find himself stuck in a giant labyrinth, however,” the statement continued, “but was thankfully rescued by his friend Bandit Keith.”

The news shocked many Americans.

“It’s honestly just freaky hearing how many famous people visited those islands,” said Elijah Coleman, an American who has become disillusioned with voting. “I mean apparently Matt Groening — the guy who made The Simpsons — was there and got a foot massage from a literal child. But oh, sure, he claims the kid was actually possessed by a thousands-of-years-old Egyptian Pharaoh? I mean come on.”

“Doesn’t surprise me at all that a demon-worshiping Demoncrat like Bill Clinton was hanging out with known pedophile Maximillion Pegasus,” said registered Republican Simon Harper. “Let me show you this picture of Clinton with a pyramid with an eye dangling from his chest. You know what that stands for? Wanting to have sex with kids.”

“Sorry, but you know who is best friends with Pegasus? That’s right, Donald Trump,” said registered Democrat April Peck. “So no, I don’t really care if Bill Clinton was there, because it’s much more pressing to me that Donald Trump was there considering that both he and Pegasus have been known to love crimes.”

At press time, Bill Clinton was seen fiddling with a weird looking key in the background of a video in which Hillary Clinton insisted he had done nothing wrong.

Pokémon Breeding Forum Accidentally Turns Into Eugenics Forum Again

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Naomi Krause

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Another Pokémon forum has regrettably turned into a discussion of eugenics, according to saddened users on the site.

According to those who use the site, which is called DittoMyWidow, users used to spend their time discussing the ins and outs of how to effectively breed Pokémon across the series’ various games. Unfortunately, as has happened before on hundreds of similar websites, the forum devolved into madness after one user pointed out that Pokémon breeding “isn’t that different from real life.”

“It’s a damn shame to see it happen to another site. Fifth one in a row for me,” said user ShinySnivy123. “I really just want to discuss the best way to make a tournament viable team with the Pokémon at my disposal. I do not want to discuss whether or not The Jews naturally have a high special attack in real life on account of their alleged ability to use Psychic moves. And yet, every few months, that’s the kinda shit that shows up.”

Ria Bates, a psychologist and avid Pokémon player, explained the phenomenon.

“Once people get really into Pokémon breeding, if they’re enough of a capital G gamer, they’re going to start seeing it everywhere in their lives,” Bates explained. “But the real world isn’t that simple. Pokémon may have fire-type, water-type, electric-type, etc, but those are much more rigid categories than white, black, Asian, etc. The amount of times I’ve had to explain to people online that there is no stat bonus for being Italian would shock you. People just want things to be simple, but they need to remember that Pokémon is just a video game. There are no real life types, just like there aren’t real life save points, legalized animal fighting, or hospitals that don’t cost money.”

At press time, DittoMyWidow officially shut down after users started wondering aloud what would happen if a trainer tried breeding with a Pokémon… 🤔