Mattel Executives Would Rather Make Movie About Slinky Than Another Movie About Women

LOS ANGELES — A bidding war over the rights to an upcoming Slinky movie has revealed that Mattel executives are prioritizing telling more stories about toys over telling more stories about women, sources have confirmed. 

“Well, yeah, they’re Mattel, what do you expect them to do, have significant female characters in every movie they produce,” asked local filmgoer Harrison Smith. “Besides, that Polly Pocket movie is gonna be full of chick stuff. I don’t think everything necessarily has to be a feminist screed, you know? Let me and the boys have our Slinky movie, and keep your lousy politics out of it!” 

Many female Slinky fans admitted that they felt slighted by the upcoming film’s decidedly male-friendly tone. 

“All of the early promotional material just makes me sick,” said Laura Meyer, a female Slinky fan. “The only female character I could spot in that trailer was the nagging wife in the background urging her husband to stop playing with that awful invention of his that was never going to work out. There’s no way it happened like that, right?” 

The film, expected to release next summer, is gearing up to potentially be one of the year’s biggest. 

“We all saw what happened with Barbie,” said Louis North, an executive with Mattel. “And I think the takeaway was obvious: people want movies about toys. They don’t care who’s in it, or what it’s about, they just want movies based on stuff they liked as kids. That’s why those G.I. Joe movies always do so well. Battleship too, for that matter.

As of press time, Mattel revealed that it was actually Andy Serkis portraying Betty James, wife of slinky inventor Richard, in the film’s trailer.

Mario Ambassador Charles Martinet Forced to Hide in Mario Land Embassy After Mass Koopa Troopa Riots

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Former voice actor and new United States Mario ambassador Charles Martinet is currently hiding in the basement of the embassy due to mass Koopa Troopa riots, the State Department reported.

“It’s-a me, Charles! And I’m-a scared shitless!” yelped Martinet to reporters via satellite, after mere days in his new position as US ambassador. “I thought this would be a healthy way to channel my rage at being cast aside for that dickhead Chris Pratt, but I didn’t realize how unstable the greater Mario Land region is. Koopa Troopas across the land are violently rioting and setting go-karts on fire nationwide. I’m about to triple jump out of here faster than you can say ‘Let’s-a go!’”

A community organizer from the Koopa Troopa committee explained some of the motivations behind the unrest.

“Bowser hasn’t increased our wages from ‘1 golden coin per shift’ since 1985; unsurprisingly, this summer’s negotiations failed to produce a raise,” said Gary Shelldon, foreman of #7 Larry’s Castle in The Valley of Bowser. “And yet Mario earns so many coins, he has to convert his into extra lives. Income inequality is hurting people all across the world. Koopas stand in solidarity with the WGA, UAW, and the Bokoblins who are set to authorize a strike tomorrow.”

Former State Department employees offered words of wisdom and guidance to Ambassador Martinet.

“Yikes, I do not envy Charles’ position. You make one little slip-up at an embassy and people never let you hear the end of it!” remarked former Secretary of State and current infrequent podcaster Hillary Clinton. “But my best advice I can give Ambassador Martinet is to keep your head down, stay true to yourself, and always keep a bottle of hot sauce in your purse in case you get interviewed by an urban market morning radio show.”

Reports out of the Mushroom Kingdom indicate that the situation is worsening, as a reactionary group of Goombas have apparently stormed Bowser’s Castle and took selfies in Ludwig Von Koopa’s throne.

Even Decepticons With UAW on This One

WAYNE, Mich. — As the United Auto Workers union kicks off its historic strike against “Big Three” automakers Ford, General Motors, and Stellantis, workers have been met with some unexpected support from the infamous faction of Cybertronian Transformers known as the Decepticons.

“It’s one thing for my own underlings to follow my every command without question or reward,” explained Megatron, intergalactic warlord and leader of the Decepticons, “for my power is unmatched, and to fail me is to invite suffering and death. But in your society, a ‘boss’—even a ‘chief executive officer’— is still just another fleshling. A frail figurehead astride a machine that can run without them. And if I am known for nothing else on this planet, I will always value machines over humans.”

GM CEO Mary Barra resents Megatron’s characterization of her fellow Big Three chiefs as being unworthy of their millions in compensation and authority over their workers’ lives, and stands by her approach to the negotiations and company leadership more broadly.

“Our employees do make the products we sell, and they deserve something, I guess,” Barra said in a GM showroom, surrounded by cars many working Americans can no longer afford. “But without keeping their wages low and productivity high, how can we expect to make the billions a year in profits that they each get a generous 0.0001% of, while also ensuring that I personally get over $27 million in bonuses? That’s what it means to be on this side of the table, and I would think a ruthless tyrant who tears his opponents in half to exert his will would have a little more empathy for us.”

While walking the Ford Michigan Assembly Plant picket line alongside both humans and Cybertronians, UAW President Shawn Fain thanked the Decepticons for putting their destructive ambitions aside to reiterate their longtime support of Earth’s auto workers.

“Our members have always been proud to have interplanetary visitors like the Transformers take on the appearances of the vehicles they work so hard to make,” Fain said, barely audible over the sound of Decepticon lieutenant Starscream skywriting “#StandUpUAW” overhead in jet form. “But to see them all here instead of blowing up cities or each other is something else. We had Optimus and the Autobots come out for us early on in our negotiations, and now with the Decepticons joining us as well, I think that says everything you need to know about the importance of getting a fair contract.”

Megatron and Autobot leader Optimus Prime have reportedly agreed to a ceasefire for the duration of the strike, at least within the vicinity of UAW pickets—though Decepticon Barricade was seen kicking out one of Autobot Bumblebee’s Camaro taillights, with the Decepticon claiming it was just an act of defiance against Chevrolet’s parent company GM.

 

Hasan Minhaj Insists His Uncle Was Attacked at Nintendo

LOS ANGELES — Comedian Hasan Minhaj insisted today in a new hour-long comedy show entitled Nintendos and Nintendonts that his uncle, an employee of Nintendo, was attacked as a result of Hasan’s questioning of powerful people.

“And yeah, I like to criticize those in power, and that’s all well and good when it only comes back to me,” Minhaj explained, pausing for dramatic effect in front of a PowerPoint slide of a man being smacked over the head with a Nintendo GameCube. “But my uncle, man. He was just working at his job one day at Nintendo… and he told one of his co-workers that he showed me a picture of the upcoming blue Pikachu called ‘Pikablu’ and they attacked him for it! They beat this man within an inch of his life just because of his association with me. And I’m so thankful that he survived…. But to know, the fact that I’ve criticized Nintendo’s litigious nature on my television show and someone I love was hospitalized as a result…. It’s fucked up. But that’s America, right?”

“And at the hospital, leaning over my bloodied uncle, holding the very real Pikablu cards in my hands that he gave to me as inside information he learned as a Nintendo employee…” Minhaj continued, “my wife ran up to me and said ‘Hasan! You have to stop! You have to stop criticizing powerful people! You have a family to look after!’ But I looked into Pikablu’s eyes and I knew… I couldn’t just stop.”

Despite rave reviews for the special, some have criticized the story as untrue.

“We have no evidence of Hasan Minhaj’s uncle working at Nintendo at all, let alone any evidence of someone at the company being beaten nearly to death by a GameCube,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “Also, I’m pretty sure he’s talking about the Pokémon Marill, which came out in the ’90s. There’s no such thing as Pikablu. I get that comedians often stretch the truth, but to show a picture of my face in the middle of a live comedy show with the text ‘monster’ written over my head was a bit much, if you ask me.”

As of press time, Minhaj admitted that the story was an exaggerated version of real events, and that there was still a very real “emotional truth” of what it was like imagining if a Pikachu could be blue.

Halo Marine Trades In Warthog For 2019 Dodge Charger

CAIRO STATION — As the Human-Covenant war rages on, a UNSC marine has reportedly traded in their standard issue M12 Force Application Vehicle, better known as the Warthog, for a 2019 Dodge Charger, sources have confirmed.

“Look, I just got my first payment and I’m gonna spend it how I want,” said Private Chips Dubbo, standing proudly beside his Octane Red Charger. “The warthog is classic, but does it have a supercharged 6.2-liter V8 engine with over three hundred horsepower? Can it go zero to sixty in 6.0 seconds? Not even a Spartan could do that shit. You think I joined the space marines to shoot aliens with a rocket launcher? I mean, yeah, that was a part of it. But the main reason was to get this sick whip on the military’s dollar.”

Dubbo’s commanding officer, Gunnery Sergeant Stacker, weighed in on his subordinate’s decision to flagrantly put military hardware towards a 533-year-old sports car. 

“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” Stacker explained. “I don’t even know where he’s gonna keep the damn thing. This is an orbital defense platform. There’s nowhere to drive. And he’s paying like 30% interest too… It’s absurd. These local dealerships are robbing the United Nations Space Command blind”

One of Dubbo’s squadmates, Private Janet Adams, shared first-hand insight into the long-term plans for the luxury vehicle currently sitting in impound. 

“He’s a fucking idiot, dude is gonna be deployed in like three weeks,” she said. “He says he’s got a girl back on Reach who’ll ‘take care of it’ while he’s gone, but between you and me… She probably isn’t counting on him coming back. She’s sent like six ‘Dear John’ letters this year, but I haven’t had the heart to give them to him.”

As of press time, Private Dubbo has served tours of duty on Installation 04, New Mombasa, and several other key campaigns in the ongoing fight against the Covenant, making him a decorated war hero. The fate of his Dodge Charger remains unknown.

 

The 20 Best Nintendo Switch Games to Abruptly Start Playing on a First Date

Dating in 2023 is more complicated than ever. Besides making sure your schedules, lifestyles, and hyperspecific political views align, there’s also the age old question of just what the heck you’re even supposed to do on a first date. It might not be the answer to all of your dating questions, but here are 20 games you might consider playing on your Nintendo Switch during a first date to increase your chances of date number two if things start to get a little boring. 

1. Golf Story


Miniature golf is a very fun and standard first date activity. Sitting in a car and taking turns playing Golf Story isn’t that different when you think about it! Just explain to your date that you already had this charming golf/RPG hybrid downloaded and you didn’t realize how expensive putt putt was.

2. Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice

This game is not only very good, but if your date is familiar with it, they will be impressed with your compassion for the mental health issues effectively portrayed in the game. If they aren’t familiar with those themes, you may have to explain the whole thing about Hellblade to them.

3. The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom


I’m not sure the best way to organically have your date watch you play Zelda is, but if you can figure it out, I’m sure you can find a way to impress with the problem solving skills this wonderful adventure requires.

4. Tetris Effect

Sneak into the bathroom to play this a few times during the date to make sure you are staying sharp and alert.

5. Stardew Valley

The co-op mode is honestly as much fun as you’ll have playing games, but that’s all just a front for you paying attention to what your date looks for in a long-term partner.

6. NBA2K

Play a quick game while you guys are waiting for something, and use that as a way to casually talk about the sports you used to play in high school. People love hearing about that!

7. Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Good to see who they pick so you can see if you would even want to go on more dates with them or not. 

8. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2

If you are just hanging out at home, stash the Switch somewhere and run this game with the volume turned up and voila, you have the perfect romantic soundtrack for a lovely night in, courtesy of Goldfinger and The Suicide Machines.

9. Sid Meier’s Civilization VI

“Hey you want to leave this rooftop party and go to my place and play Civ 6?” It never fails.

10. Wilmot’s Warehouse

A lot of these have been strategically chosen to display a skill or trait, and I suppose this warehouse organizing game might do that, but honestly, it would just be a fun game to pass the time if you start getting bored on the date.

11. Captain Toad’s Treasure Tracker

Always good to introduce an aphrodisiac into a date!

12. Rocket League

If you can convince your date to drive to wherever you’re going, that’s a great way to show them how good you are at this game on the way there. They ought to think that’s pretty cool. 

13. Clubhouse Games: 51 Worldwide Classics

Great news! We can play Checkers during the boring parts of the movie!

14. Luigi’s Mansion 3

Honestly, a good move to do on a date is just play this game and talk about how much braver you are than Luigi.

15. Pikmin 4

This is just a way to flex that you had some cash recently. You can also just leave the case laying around if you’d rather do it that way. 

16. Super Mario 3D All-Stars

“They delisted this,” you’ll say, unsure if your date heard you the first time. “You can’t buy it anymore.”

17. Super Monkey Ball Banana Mania

This is a great game to show that you’re not one of those overly serious gamers, and still have a childlike spirit to. Screaming adult language at the stupid fucking monkey for falling off the edge when it wasn’t even your fault will prove that you’re not too childish, however. 

18. Telling Lies

You could lie to your date and tell them you made this really fun indie game. Would anyone ever suspect you had the audacity to lie about a thing like that? Making a game called Telling Lies? I doubt it. I really doubt it.

19. Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night

Pull this game out during a lull in conversation, and then you can tell your date how it’s a seriously underrated Metroidvania, and then you can tell your date what a Metroidvania is, and then you can tell your date what Metroid and Castlevania are, and then you can listen to your date talk about how they really should be getting home. All this conversation from one simple video game! 

20. Slay the Spire

It’s just always a good idea to play Slay the Spire.

Starfield Best Ship Weapons Guide: Best Ship Weapon to Buy

Acquired the best ship and now want to buy the best ship weapons in Starfield to arm it with? There is a dizzying selection of weapon modules to choose from, for your perfect ship build. This Starfield guide will attempt to shortlist a few of the best weapons in each major group, with which you can tailor your ship’s offensive capabilities in space combat.

Marauder 115N Railgun Turret

This Class C Ballistic weapons module does a massive 81 Hull damage per hit at a range of 800. The following vendors may stock it for purchase:

  1. Nikau Henderson at the Deimos Staryard, on Mars’ moon Deimos in the Sol System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
  3. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Gagarin Landing, on Gagarin in the Alpha Centauri System.
  4. Ship Services Technician in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
  5. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System.
  6. Ship Services Technician aboard The Den StarStation in the orbit of Chthonia, in the Wolf System.
Hull Damage Shield Damage EM Damage Fire Rate Max Power Range Required Level Credits
81 24 0 1.50 4 800 43 33K

Reza 300 PHz SX Laser (Best Starfield Ship Weapons)

The Reza 300 PHz SX Laser, one of the Starfield best ship weapons.

A Class C Laser weapons module that does the highest Shield damage in its group. These vendors offer it for sale:

  1. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  2. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  3. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  4. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  5. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  6. Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  7. Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  8. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
Hull Damage Shield Damage EM Damage Fire Rate Max Power Range Required Level Credits
19 63 0 1.50 4 800 36 17K

Tatsu 501EM Suppressor – Best Ship Weapons

This systems-killer Electromagnetic weapons module is rated Class C and does 108 damage per round, though it is one of the slowest-firing weapons systems and consumes a great deal of power as well. It can be found in the vendor catalogs of:

  1. Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
  3. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  4. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  5. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  6. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  7. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  8. Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Hull Damage Shield Damage EM Damage Fire Rate Max Power Range Required Level Credits
1 1 108 0.80 6 800 60 25K

Best Starfield Ship Weapons: Obliterator 250MeV Alpha Turret

Although you may prefer Missile systems over Particle Beams for their superior damage output and range, the advantage of an automated Class C Turret like this one, is that it will target and fire at the enemy independently, so long as you keep them within the firing arc. This Turret is sold by:

  1. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  3. Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  4. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
  5. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  6. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  7. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  8. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
Hull Damage Shield Damage EM Damage Fire Rate Max Power Range Required Level Credits
86 86 0 1.50 4 3250 60 35K

Atlatl 280C Missile Launcher

The very pinnacle of ship weapons systems, this Class C Missile Launcher, does a staggering 264 damage per volley to both Hulls and Shields, at a range of 4000. Widely available, there are hardly any vendors that don’t sell this module, but here are a select few:

  1. Jasmine Durand of the Crimson Fleet aboard The Key StarStation in the orbit of Suvorov, in the Kryx System.
  2. Nikau Henderson at the Deimos Staryard, on Mars’ moon Deimos in the Sol System.
  3. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  4. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  5. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  6. Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Hull Damage Shield Damage EM Damage Fire Rate Max Power Range Required Level Credits
264 264 0 1.00 4 4000 43 48K

Those are the best-in-class ship weapons to be had in Starfield. Check out our guides on moving faster while on foot with a secret boost jumping method, and arm yourself with the best Sniper Rifles in the game.

Starfield Best Sniper Rifle Guide: What Are the Best Snipers?

Looking for the best Sniper Rifle in Starfield for those long range kills? With an arsenal of weapons and weapon modifiers to choose from, spread across dozens of vendors, you might like to know which Sniper Rifle is the best in class before parting with your hard-earned Credits. This Starfield guide will detail the statistically best Sniper Rifle, as well as a bonus suppressed recommendation if you are running a full stealth build.

Best Sniper Rifle in Starfield: MagSniper

The Magsniper, the best sniper rifle in Starfield.

The MagSniper is a blocky looking Rifle that uses 6.5mm MI ammunition in a 12-round magazine. The damage output from the stock model easily outpaces the next nearest Sniper Rifle, while matching its maximum range of 100 meters. You can purchase it for roughly 30K Credits at three locations:

  1. Centaurian Arsenal in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
  2. Neon Tactical in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  3. Rowland Arms in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
Base Damage Ammo Mag Fire Rate Range Accuracy Mod Slots Item ID
304 Phys 6.5mm MI 12 17 100 86.1% 6 2EB45

The following mods can be applied to the MagSniper, with recommendations marked with an asterisk (*):

  • Armor-Piercing Rounds
  • Compensator
  • Depleted Uranium Rounds
  • Hair Trigger
  • High Powered *
  • High Velocity
  • Large Magazine
  • Long Barrel *
  • Long Scope *
  • Magnetic Rails
  • Medium Scope
  • Muzzle Brake *
  • Penetrator Rounds *
  • Recon Laser Sight *
  • Recon Scope
  • Shock Charge Band
  • Stabilizing Barrel
  • Standard Barrel
  • Standard Magazine
  • Tactical Magazine

While the MagSniper is an excellent one-shot kill at any range, it cannot have a Suppressor mod, thus denying you the sneak bonus for using suppressed weapons. This can prove to be a problem for a character that is a stealth build. That’s where the second best Sniper Rifle can prove handy.

Hard Target

This Sniper Rifle in Starfield is the next best thing to the MagSniper, with a higher fire rate of 25, a far more widespread availability, and a .50 Caliber ammunition type. While the base model only does 50% of the MagSniper’s damage, it can do so stealthily with a Suppressor mounted. The Hard Target can be bought for about 20K Credits from the following vendors:

  1. UC Exchange in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
  2. Centaurian Arsenal in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
  3. Neon Tactical in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  4. Rowland Arms in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
Base Damage Ammo Mag Fire Rate Range Accuracy Mod Slots Item ID
158 Phys .50 Caliber 5 25 100 74.2% 7 546CC

The following mods can be applied to the Hard Target, with our recommendations marked with an asterisk (*):

  • Armor-Piercing Rounds
  • Bull Barrel *
  • Compensator
  • Fluted Barrel
  • High Powered *
  • High Velocity
  • Large Magazine *
  • Laser Sight *
  • Long Barrel
  • Long Scope *
  • Medium Scope
  • Muzzle Brake
  • Penetrator Rounds
  • Recon Laser Sight
  • Recon Scope
  • Reflex Sight
  • Stabilizing Barrel
  • Standard Barrel
  • Standard Magazine
  • Suppressor *
  • Tactical Grip *
  • Tactical Magazine
  • Whitehot Rounds

And those are the two best Sniper Rifles to be had in Starfield. Try equipping one of the best Companions with a fully kitted Sniper Rifle for support. Also check out how to Boost Jump to move faster while on the ground.

Gamer Girl Speedruns Bad Date

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local gamer Alyssa Ward set a world record Saturday night when she completed her date with local bachelor Darren Dinkle with an astonishing time of 8:13, sources have confirmed. 

“He was an awkward mess when he asked me out, so I knew this would be a good opportunity to break the record,” said Ward, following the record breaking run. “I went for the coffee shop route since that’s optimal for speedruns, and honestly, chugging six shots of espresso right off the bat didn’t hurt either. At the casual conversation split I was 46 seconds ahead of my PB, but got distracted by his body odor, so I lost a fair bit of ground during the biscotti split. I was dry heaving while choking down the driest dessert that exists as he proudly exclaimed he had ‘outlived even the doctor’s most generous predictions.’ Good grief.”

When asked how the date went, Dinkle seemed unclear.

“I didn’t really know what I was watching, but I was impressed,” he said, reflecting on the rapidly paced date. “I fell for her when she suggested we both talk simultaneously to save time. Like, how did she even figure out you can do shit like that? I think she really liked it when I repeatedly called her ‘m’lady’ and explained why I believe in, but do not practice, semen retention because she rushed for the check faster than anything I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously. She whipped her credit card across the place to the waiter like a damn ninja star. Do any of you guys know where she went, though?”

When asked what’s next for her, Ward revealed she’s set her sights on the record for world’s quickest broken engagement. 

Aww, Cute Mini Trailer Plays Ahead of Big Trailer

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Mitchell Ortiz, 20, was recently delighted to find an adorable little baby trailer for SAW X playing ahead of the full length trailer for SAW X, sources have confirmed. 

“It was so cute! I just wanted to pinch its little cheeks,” said Ortiz, speaking in a high-pitch voice. “If it was up to me, all movie trailers would be teeny-weeny like this.”

The bite sized trailer in question flashes key moments from the movie with the intended purpose of giving the audience key information about the film even in the event that they exit the page immediately. 

“I mean, it’s adorable but in the way your younger brother thinks he’s playing video games next to you when in reality you’ve unplugged his controller,” said Ortiz before replaying the first five seconds of the SAW X trailer once again. “Aww! Look at the little one go. It really thinks it’s just like the big one.”

Ralph Smith, a lead editor at Trailer Park Editing, confirmed that pint-sized movie trailers are the future.

“Look, I don’t want to sound too negative but thanks to the ever-shrinking attention spans of the youth, we’re gonna be forced to edit more of these five second bullshit ass trailers in addition to the full length ones. How is that an effective use of my time?,” asked Smith as he slammed his fist on the desk. “My job has now doubled and I’m still getting paid the same rate. And it’s only getting worse. We’re even experimenting with even smaller ‘micro mini teaser trailers’ now. Who is this shit for?”

As of press time, Smith had been terminated for his comments and was last seen helping his son edit a YouTube video. 

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