John Cena Begins Coding ‘Banjo-Threeie’ As Part Of Fan’s Make-A-Wish

Posted on by Alex McMillan

TAMPA — Professional wrestler John Cena has begun programming a sequel to the beloved 90s platformer Banjo-Kazooie as part of his work with the Make-A-Wish foundation, sources close to the WWE icon confirm.

“The original plan was Unity, but I watched a few YouTube tutorials for Godot and now I’m feeling more confident about it” said the two-time Royal Rumble winner, hunched over his laptop. “I managed to get this cube to jump yesterday, so that’s a good start.”

When asked about his knowledge of the Nintendo 64 classic, Cena stated he had been unfamiliar with the game until a few weeks ago.

“I was always more of a SNES guy, and 3D platformers were never really my thing” he said, whilst reading through a beginner’s guide to the modelling software Blender. “But when I talked to Archie, and I saw his eyes light up speaking about Banjo, I knew I needed to give this kid a sequel. No spiritual successor, no compromises.”

The child in question, 32 year-old Archie McKnight, was shocked and touched by the lengths the Blockers star was willing to go to for him.

“Yeah, I mean we’d only really been talking for five minutes before he decided he was going to make Banjo-Threeie for me,” said the terminally ill gamer. “I was wearing a shirt with Banjo on it and he asked me about it, and then he just shook my hand and said he’d be in touch. He’s been emailing me weekly dev logs and says he’s targeting a 2026 release. It’s nice of him to do this, but I can’t help but feel like he’s missing a pretty major issue here.”

At press time, Cena has been attempting to hold crisis talks with Phil Spencer regarding the legality of the project.

Cities Skylines 2 Performance Issues: How To Fix

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Are you having performance issues while running Cities Skylines 2 at an acceptable frame rate? As anticipated, given its pedigree, Cities Skylines 2 has been chugging on even the best hardware currently available. This guide will attempt to optimize performance with some tips and settings.

Windowed Fullscreen Versus Fullscreen

Switching between these two settings should be your very first step to bettering frame rates in the game. Now, your mileage may vary, as one or the other may work better for you and your setup. Switch between them, and test out some gameplay before proceeding to the next fix.

V-Sync

Another setting for which your own experience may vastly differ from another player. Test the game with V-Sync turned on or off before settling on a choice.

Quick Fixes – Cities Skylines 2 Performance Issues

While the game will run fairly well early on, when your fledgling city is still developing, the late game is going to weigh your PC down quite a bit. Your first step should be ‘Level of Detail’ (LoD) which you should dial down to ‘Low’ ideally. LoD determines just how complex the models are, as well as texture quality at all zoom levels. Since you’ll be spending most of your time zoomed out anyway, the trade-off in visual fidelity for the biggest boost in performance among all possible tweaks, is well worth it. Do not use ‘Very Low’ as that leads to more loss in the graphical experience for not much fps gain.

Additional Graphics Settings – Cities Skylines II

 

 

Turn down the following settings which will not affect your gameplay experience, but will enhance your frame rate.

Depth of Field mode: Disabled

Clouds Quality Settings: Low

Volumetrics Quality Settings: Disabled

Global Illumination: Disabled

Reflections Quality: Low

Depth of Field Quality: Disabled

Motion Blur: Disabled

Shadow Quality: Low

Water Quality Settings: Medium

Cities Skylines 2 Quality Performance Tips

Once you’ve achieved a desired frame rate, and want to claw back some visual fidelity at the cost of a few fps, you can gradually turn up some settings. Begin with restoring some shadow quality, then add some reflections, and finally water quality. Don’t bother with clouds, which you’ll never notice, nor Global Illumination which is only really impressive at night, but not really worth the fps hit.

And that’s everything to know about getting the best performance out of Cities: Skylines 2 for PC. Check out our other guides for Cities: Skylines II including rezoning and removing zones, rotating buildings, and changing road direction.

9 Pieces Of 60’s Nostalgia Only 90’s Kids Will Remember From References They Didn’t Get On ‘Animaniacs’

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

If there’s one thing animators and TV writers know, it’s that young children love snappy, Hollywood insider references to things that happened when their parents were still in high school. And let’s be honest: no one did it better than the Animaniacs! Here are nine classic Animaniacs references that will make millennials feel even older for knowing them!

#1 — Andy Warhol

What is the true value of art? As a nine year old in 1998, you probably never pondered the question before. But for the rest of your childhood you would be pondering that pop art silkscreen print of the “Goodfeathers” from season 3 episode 15.

#2 — The Graduate

Slappy the Squirrel’s attempts to seduce a gopher Dustin Hoffman resulted in millions of film school students going “ohhhh” twelve years after it aired.

#3 — The Dick Van Dyke Show

Who could forget that classic episode where Rob pretends to be someone else so he can flirt with his own wife over the telephone? Not nineties kids, because they never knew about it in the first place. But they’ll always remember wondering why everything was in black and white when Pinky and The Brain parodied it in their episode: “The Two Faces Of Pinky.”

#4 — Barbarella

When a heavily caricatured Animaniacs version of Jane Fonda walked into the table read for Barbarella 2 and immediately started hawking workout tapes to the producers, nineties girls everywhere experienced the thrill of learning you don’t need to get the joke to understand that sexism is alive and well.

#5 — M*A*S*H

Hellooooooo field nurse! Nothing says childhood like being introduced to the concept of PTSD by a pun about potatoes and the feeling that you’re missing something.

#6 — The Assassination of JFK

In the episode entitled “Reuben Missile Crisis”, Dr. Scratchnsniff’s attempt to open a sandwich shop is thwarted by the Warner siblings who soak his bread delivery with water pistols. When Dot misses, Yakko takes aim from a second location. In true Animaniacs fourth wall-breaking form, he then turns to the camera and remarks: “I wonder how many reports they’ll commission about this,” prompting multiple theories among the show’s young audience that there may have been more to the episode than the official canon would have us believe.

#7 —Ed McMahon

All children of the nineties will remember the iconic “hiyooo!” of That Weird, One-Off Turtle Character.

#8 — Vietnam War Protests

Learning that your country is not the bastion of freedom and righteousness you were taught it was can sting. But if you grew up in the nineties, you always knew the United States government was not to be trusted thanks to the four minute Animaniacs musical segment “Cheese Of Destruction”, in which a flower child Wakko Warner stages a sit-in at a dairy farm run by Lyndon B. Johnson. You may not have known exactly what kind of war crimes were being referenced, but when you learned about them later in life you were not surprised.

#9 — Getting So Fucking High

The Summer of Love just wouldn’t have been the same without a brainload of LSD. And Saturday morning cartoons wouldn’t be the same without a nation of puzzled eight-year-olds trying to figure out what Dot meant when she told everyone at the Golden Globes afterparty not to eat the brown canapés.

Goodnight everybody!

Employer Doesn’t Understand Why D&D Character’s Attributes Can’t All Be Maxed

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

CLEVELAND — After failing to grasp the general concept of RPG tabletop gaming, restaurant owner Garth Chibley has used magic to summon a fictional character of his own creation into the real world for disciplinary action. The fast food franchisee attended a Dungeons and Dragons game night with his employees as part of a mandatory corporate team building exercise and was distraught to learn that his character could not max out more than three of his six attributes.

“This is unacceptable”, said Chibley as he closed the summoning circle in the back room of Rockin’ Goblin Games and Collectibles. “I expect every member of my team to give one hundred and ten percent across the board. Maximum strength is no excuse for reduced dexterity. We need to be slaying at an average of 1.7 hits per monster if we’re going to meet our adventuring quota.”

Kor Lloyalenn, Chibley’s level two high elf paladin character, was initially confused at being hurled across dimensions into a strange new world of harnessed lightning and chicken sandwiches, but his confusion turned to utter bafflement when he learned that he was expected to exhibit excellence in both intelligence and wisdom for just five gold per hour, short rests unpaid.

“I have bested the giant yagnoloth, raided the Fortress of A Thousand Screams, and survived the Great Slugmarsh War,” said Lloyalenn, “But I do not believe I have the constitution to merc for this idiot man. He has proclaimed himself High Regent of the Light Arts, yet he knows not even how to cast Magic Missile. How did he even acquire the magic to bring me here, is he what your kind call a ‘nepo-baby’?”

Chibley inherited the mysterious summoning scroll he used to meet his recent hire from his grandfather, along with his Clucky’s Fried Feast franchise and three million dollars.

“I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am today and I only hire people with the same all-in attitude,” said Chibley. “If a character can’t perform the simple task of simultaneously fighting, charming, outwitting, outmaneuvering, outlasting and casting spells on an Ancient Golden Dragon without taking any damage, well then maybe the Clucky’s family just isn’t the right fit for them.”

At press time, Chibley was attempting to write up a D20 for non-compliance.

Gamer Relating A Bit Too Much To Silent Protagonist

Posted on by Gabe Porter

BLOOMINGTON, Ill. — Gamer Todd Newton has recently begun overly-identifying as Link, the silent protagonist of the video game The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, sources close to the situation have reported.

“He’s always been a bit shy, but now it’s gone too far,” childhood friend Laurie Gunther said. “He just stares blankly at me as I talk, his wide eyes glazed over as if he were mashing a metaphorical A-button to get me to shut up. After I’ve finished, he usually shakes his head yes or no, even though most of the time I didn’t even ask a question! I think he’s going for a whole stoic thing, but it can definitely be a bit frustrating to deal with at times.”

Newton’s parents have shown concern for his ability to slip into the quiet character’s shoes so easily.

“Our son has always been overwhelmed by his video games,” mother Tanya Newton proclaimed, tears rolling down her eyes. “But now he has gone completely nonverbal. We should have gotten him something where he can fit into a pre-existing character role like a Final Fantasy or something. But no, his father said that turned-based games are boring. So, we never get more than an occasional grunt or hiyah from our boy.”

Even the creators of the character have realized their grave error.

“When we decided to make Link silent, it was to ensure that the player could input their personality into the character,” Legend of Zelda developer and director Takashi Tezuka said. “However, we should have known that some people may have extenuating circumstances, or at worst, no personality at all, thus creating a feedback loop of silence that we’ve yet to penetrate. Hopefully, when we unleash the Switch-U, our newest Zelda game will fix this issue by including a Link that never shuts the fuck up. Everyone will love it.”

At press time, Newton refused to reply to our questions, instead opting to roll around us and smash our equipment on the floor.

Every Zelda Game Ranked To Either Upset You Or Validate You

Posted on by Kevin Podas

Whether you like it or not, the Legend of Zelda series is one of the most important video game franchises out there. Almost every game’s release is an event, and several of them have set genre-defining standards that have shifted the focus of video games at large by setting the bar to new heights. And others are just “pretty good, I guess”. So at the risk of dragging on longer than Skyward Sword’s tutorial section, here is every Zelda game ranked, which will serve to either upset you or validate your opinions.

20. The Legend of Zelda: Tri Force Heroes

I’m going to be real with you guys: I didn’t play this one. This is the only one I didn’t play on this entire list, so please, let’s not start off on the wrong foot here. That being said, I was hesitant to even include this game. I had a rule that I would not be including any spin-off games like Link’s Crossbow Training, but several outlets list Tri Force Heroes as a mainline title, so hey, here it is. Also a list of 20 looks a lot better than a list of 19, right? While we’re at it: what is going on with that name? Isn’t “Tri Force” one word? Do I need to have played the game to understand it? Whatever. It apparently runs on the Link Between Worlds game engine, which is enticing enough. Maybe I’ll try it one day if I can find three pals who still have fully-charged 3DSes.

Best Item: The cool costumes?
Best Dungeon: TBD
Best Boss: TBD (sorry!)

19. The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

The Zelda series was in a weird place for a while there, wasn’t it? After the release of Twilight Princess in 2006, the series kept trying to re-invent itself while also simultaneously feeling like it was spinning its wheels. The DS titles are the best example of this, with Spirit Tracks being the weaker of the two in my opinion. Going from sailing with free reign on the sea to being confined to train tracks felt pretty limiting, and I wasn’t particularly fond of the stylus controls to begin with. Ghost Zelda is probably one of the best companions in the series with the armored suit and everything, but this game is still a tough pill to swallow.

Best Item: Snake Whip
Best Dungeon: Ocean Temple
Best Boss: Byrne

18. The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords

This hardly feels like it constitutes a full game, and it sure as hell isn’t making it into the top of anybody’s Zelda lists, that’s for sure. Probably because most people weren’t even able to play it, even if they owned the game! Four Swords was a pack-in title with the Link to the Past GBA port, and you could only play it if you had a Game Boy Advance link cable, another Game Boy Advance system, another copy of A Link to the Past & Four Swords, and if you made it this far: a friend to play it with. Yeah, that’s kind of a tall order. At least the game introduced recurring villain Vaati, allowing the series to take a break from Ganon for once. You know what? Bring Vaati back. He was dope.

Best Item: Chain Chomp
Best Dungeon: Sea of Trees
Best Boss: Vaati

17. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

This game’s stylus controls were controversial at the time, and looking back on it now, I can’t say I stand by their decision to utilize them. Still, the game was filled with enough charm to get by. Its connection to Wind Waker was a neat little element that the game didn’t rely on heavily but at least acknowledged, and Linebeck is one of the greatest side characters in all of Zelda. Customizing your ship to outfit it with different canons, sails, and more was a cool element too, but I think we have to admit to ourselves that this might be one of the ugliest Zelda games. The Wind Waker art style just did not carry over to the DS as well.

Best Item: Grappling Hook
Best Dungeon: Ghost Ship
Best Boss: Gleeok

16. The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures

Now this is the multiplayer Zelda experience that we truly deserved! Granted there were limitations and capabilities locked behind needing a GameCube to Game Boy Advance link cable (good luck finding one of those in 2024) but there’s just something about this game that feels dark and brooding in a very uniquely Zelda way. Something about reusing assets from Link to the Past to create a new overworld while also utilizing Wind Waker particle effects and character designs just works so well. The added power of the GameCube allows certain things you can do for the first time in a top-down Zelda game, such as lighting an entire field on fire which is always satisfying if you catch a few enemies in there, or your allies if you’re feeling a little cheeky. God, I just remembered how fun Shadow Battle was. Wish I could play it again! Oh well.

Best Item: Four Sword
Best Dungeon: Lost Woods
Best Boss: Manhandla

15. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Okay, I lied. Well, only kind of. When I said that Tri Force Heroes was the only Zelda game I hadn’t played, technically that is correct, because I only kinda played Zelda II a bit. Man, I don’t know what it is about this game, but it has always intimidated me! I know it has a specific reputation for being a black sheep of the franchise, yet there’s still something about it that is so captivating. The world feels a little more “realistic” and historical compared to most other Zelda games, and I think the side-scrolling sections were a fun experiment, but ultimately I’m glad they (mostly) cut those out later on. I think there’s just a lot of unrealized potential in this one.

Best Item: Hammer
Best Dungeon: …Parapa Palace?
Best Boss: Dark Link

14. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

Ah yes, the game that everyone loves to hate on because some YouTuber loudly stated that it was basically the worst video game ever made. Well, over the course of time, I too found that I personally did not like it as much as I’d remembered. In my humble opinion (IMHO), the seams of the series started to show around Twilight Princess, becoming somewhat templative. Story, dungeon, item, boss, repeat. Skyward Sword aimed to shake things up a bit, but not enough and not in the right ways. The comparison between it and Breath of the Wild just several years later isn’t exactly favorable either. Skyward Sword also attempted to cement the official Zelda timeline, but let’s be honest, the only people who care less about the timeline than fans are Nintendo themselves.

Best Item: Beetle
Best Dungeon: Ancient Cistern
Best Boss: Koloktos

13. The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

This game has been overlooked by a lot of people due to it releasing fairly late into the Game Boy Advance’s lifecycle, and to very little fanfare. There is still something absolutely charming about this game though, and it is highly underrated, even if it’s not one of the best Zelda games out there. It’s a top-down, classic style Zelda game that incorporates elements from some of the 3D Zeldas to come before it: the artstyle of Wind Waker, NPCs from Ocarina of Time, as well as nods to some of the side quests, which, let’s be honest, are some of the biggest reasons we like these games. The gimmick of turning tiny is fun, but it does border on overstaying its welcome despite being one of the shorter games in the series.

Best Item: Gust Jar
Best Dungeon: Palace of Winds
Best Boss: Big Green ChuChu

12. The Legend of Zelda

The original game is fairly far down on this list, isn’t it? Well, I don’t think that’s necessarily a controversial take. Later entries did improve a fair bit on the formula, but still, there’s something undeniably magical about this first entry. Ironically enough, its open-world, nonlinear elements make it the most like Breath of the Wild out of all the other games in the series. Well, aside from the one that re-used its world and assets, of course. Some of the combat can be a bit stiff by comparison to even Link to the Past, where using the sword feels more like you’re poking at someone to stab them instead of taking sweeping brushes with your blade. All that being said, the foundation laid down here is incredibly strong, and it’s important to note its historical importance in the medium. So quit whining that it’s too cryptic and try it out some day.

Best Item: Arrow
Best Dungeon: Level 2
Best Boss: Dodongo

11. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess is a game that exists as a response to something else. Thanks to the (in hindsight, very stupid) backlash to “Celda” (Wind Waker), Nintendo sought to make something a bit more “mature and realistic”, harkening back to the series’ 3D roots on the N64 a bit, while still retaining just enough of that goofy Zelda flair. That being said, this game also has some of the best dungeons and boss fights in the entire series. Why is it this low then, you may ask? Well, by the time we got this far in, many fans could acknowledge that while the game itself is great, it does feel slightly uninspired, leaning too heavily on series tropes and formulas. In its attempt to be a people-pleasing game, it feels slightly held back, and a tad predictable at times.

Best Item: Double Clawshot
Best Dungeon: Snowpeak Ruins
Best Boss: Stallord

10. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages

“What? Aren’t the Oracle games the same thing?” No, they are not. Don’t come in here asking such stupid questions again. The two games are split, able to be connected and focused on different things. Oracle of Ages is more puzzle-centric, and its core gimmick involves playing a harp to travel between present day and 400 years in the past. Time travel is by no means a unique concept in the Zelda series, but I can’t think of many where the gap is quite so wide. The dungeon design in this game is excellent too, and it feels like Nintendo (and Capcom!) really nailed the top-down formula here.

Best Item: Seed Shooter
Best Dungeon: Jabu-Jabu’s Belly
Best Boss: Giant Ghini

9. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons

I just prefer the gimmick in this game, okay? We’ve seen time travel a bunch of times in this series, but getting to change the seasons with a magical rod? Well, I can’t say that’s happened before. Or maybe it has and I’m an idiot. Let me know in the comments down below! This game is more action-focused than its counterpart, which may be a little strange for a Zelda game, but it offers a fair bit of healthy challenge. Since you can connect the two games, I’ve seen people say that it’s advised to play Oracle of Ages first, to bring what progress you can into this game. Connecting the two at the end isn’t exactly essential to getting the full experience, but it’s a neat little bonus that incentivized many to play both games instead of just one, and to fork over double the cash to Nintendo.

Best Item: Rod of Seasons
Best Dungeon: Dancing Dragon Dungeon
Best Boss: Syger

8. The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds

A fantastic return-to-form for the series. In a somewhat unorthodox move, Link Between Worlds returns to the world of Link to the Past. It’s not often that Zelda games retread on familiar ground, but this game really makes it worth it without relying too heavily on “hey, remember this?!” The 3D graphics and fluid controls make it feel like a truly modern experience (despite being 10 years old now as of this month, ugh). I was worried that the wall merging mechanic would be too much of a gimmick, but it’s handled with such grace that it feels like it was always there from the very beginning. You can see Nintendo flirting again with non-linearity here, allowing players to play the game’s dungeons in any order thanks to an item-renting system. This game kicked some much needed life into Zelda when it really needed it.

Best Item: Nice Hammer
Best Dungeon: Turtle Rock
Best Boss: Stalblind

7. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Ah yes, the game that everyone loves now and pretends they never hated before. Well, that probably depends on your age bracket, to be honest. Many of us expected something entirely different from the GameCube’s Zelda outing, especially after that awesome sword fight demo they showed off between Link and Ganondorf using a more realistic artstyle. When “Celda” was finally revealed, however, fan response was mostly negative. But, let’s get past that, shall we? The world has forgiven Wind Waker, apologized, and loves them for who they are. Sea exploration may be somewhat divisive, but it added something truly new to the series. Some fans complain that it’s just a big empty overworld with nothing but islands dotting the map to explore, but… isn’t that kind of the whole point? The King of Red Lions is the best companion character throughout the franchise, and the tone of the game has incredible range. One moment it can be cute and funny, then later it can be incredibly haunting and creepy. The Triforce fetch quest at the end could probably have been cut though, I think we can all agree on that.

Best Item: Deku Leaf
Best Dungeon: Dragon Roost Cavern
Best Boss: Ganondorf

6. The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

Nintendo really let their developers get freaky with this one, and I absolutely love it. Apparently it was originally supposed to be a simple Game Boy port of Link to the Past, and every time I hear that I get shivers thinking about what we could have missed out on. Zelda games prior to this one kept upping the ante, aiming to make a bigger, better, more fleshed out world than before. With this being the first portable title in the series, they knew that wasn’t a possibility, so they had fun experimenting. While the game is a direct sequel to Link to the Past, it doesn’t have much to do with it… or the rest of the series at large, really. And it’s all the better for it. Mario enemies show up, Kirby enemies show up, and hell, even Kirby himself shows up, or at least someone who bears a striking resemblance to the puff ball. The remake on Switch is also worth checking out as well, if you’re looking for something that’s a bit more modern with none of the weirdness toned down or taken out.

Best Item: Roc’s Feather
Best Dungeon: Bottle Grotto
Best Boss: Facade

5. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

I will preface this with “no pun intended” when, in fact, the pun is very much intended: Breath of the Wild is a breath of fresh air. Yep, don’t think anyone’s ever said that before. Before this, the series was clearly tailing behind its competitors for some time. Skyward Sword releasing around the same time as Skyrim did not draw many favorable comparisons. So when Nintendo revealed that Zelda was finally getting an open-world game, I remember thinking “too little, too late.” But oh, how wrong I was. Picking this up with my Switch on day one had me absolutely glued to the screen for hours every single day. This felt like so much potential had been injected into the franchise that had been lacking for years. The game itself felt fun, but more so than anything, it showed that the Zelda series still had a lot of love to give. Granted there were some nitpicks that fans had with the game, such as repeated enemies and shrine designs, but those were easy to handwave away because of it being their first real open-world game, and it only gave a roadmap of what we could probably look forward to in the future.

Best Item: Remote Bomb
Best Dungeon: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Best Boss: Thunderblight Ganon, I guess?

4. The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

I debated about whether to place this above or below Breath of the Wild. On one hand, you’ve got so, so very much to see and do in this game, much more than before. But on the other, it simply builds off of what Breath of the Wild did, without that same massive impact. But you know what, when playing this, I had a recurring thought of “this feels like it could be one of the greatest video game experiences of all time,” so it’s going above. Though uh, not number one, I guess. The Zonai building gimmick is a fun, one-time experiment, but to be honest I don’t think it’s something I’d like to see brought back in future games. Let’s see how poorly this list holds up in a few years, shall we? Tears of the Kingdom improves on all of the issues and concerns most people had with its predecessor with style and grace. The only shame was the reveal that there wouldn’t be more DLC to play. But hey, if it helps them release the next game in less than 6 years time, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to accept.

Best Item: Ascend
Best Dungeon: Lightning Temple
Best Boss: Colgera

3. The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask

This game ain’t for everybody, but those who do love it, love it. And I’m one of those people. I don’t place it this high up just because it’s different, but it’s partly due to that and the fact that it’s just an incredibly fine-tuned experience that shouldn’t work as well as it does. The game’s a big cuckoo clock, for crying out loud. Or at least that’s what I tell people to help them conceptualize it better. The world has moving pieces that do the same things on the same three days, allowing you to experiment in fun and exciting ways we hadn’t seen before or since then. Obviously we all know this is the dark and creepy cousin of the Zelda family, giving rise to numerous creepypastas online. The game’s atmosphere does a great job of showing us emotional or uncomfortable moments and having us just sit there with it. Story and themes aside though, getting to use masks to transform into different creatures and races from throughout the series is just the cherry on top. Each transformation has a completely different moveset, giving the game’s somewhat shorter runtime a bit more depth.

Best Item: Zora Mask
Best Dungeon: Stone Tower Temple
Best Boss: Goht

2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

This may not be the first Zelda game, but it feels like the first time where they nailed down exactly what this series would be moving forward for many, many years to come. Link to the Past really feels like, and I hate to use this word completely unironically: an epic adventure. Whew, there we go, I did it, okay moving on. The combat is vastly improved upon from the original Legend of Zelda, and they decided not to move forward with the unconventional design of Zelda II. The overworld map is flawless, and the music will absolutely get stuck in your head long after the game’s turned off. The pacing is so well-executed that it’s not surprising they decided to keep using this formula up until, well, Breath of the Wild. It holds up to this day as a true classic for the ages. You’re not playing it right now? What are you doing with your life?

Best Item: Bombos Medallion
Best Dungeon: Thieves’ Town
Best Boss: Moldorm

1. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

I bet half of you are throwing a little hissy fit at home because I put Ocarina of Time as number one. “Oh, how predictable, you coward.” Save it. This game is amazing, and you are wrong, full stop. Unless I’m just making up a guy to get mad at– hopefully you agree with my subjective opinion here. It really feels like Nintendo put their absolute all into making this game, creating something that truly transcended anything to come before it. Sure, it reuses some elements and structure from Link to the Past but it does so in big, bold ways. Aside from Breath of the Wild, I can’t think of such a massive leap forward for any series to make. The time travel mechanic in this game is handled with grace and nuance, too. We’re not simply jumping between different eras in a kingdom’s history– we are watching a boy become a man and take on the responsibility unfairly thrust upon him. Simply put, it’s a story about the melancholy of growing up. Do I even have to mention how influential the Z-targeting combat in this game is too? The muddy, strange, and at times creepy atmosphere it has, warts and all, will stick in my mind for the rest of my life.

Best Item: Ocarina of Time
Best Dungeon: Shadow Temple
Best Boss: Ganondorf

Tragic: This Early-Game Area Has Been Gentrified by High-Level Guys

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

BRIARVALE (Recommended: Level 1–24) — A low-intensity village in an enchanted meadow has gone into a cost-of-living crisis since vacant properties started being purchased by late-game mobs, according to angry locals attached to the zone’s history.

“Hoo-hoo! Me grandpa’s lived here since he were a gnome-sprout and I don’t even recognize me hometown anymore,” said Jingelvalt, a hostile-yet-wimpy gnome who patrols Briarvale’s infested pumpkin patch. “Time was, folks would kill us with their starting swords, get a tip from Elder Remus that the great stone’s been spotted in the Old Capital, and never come back. Now we got yuppie arseholes from the Sickening Wastes and Cannibals’ Tombs movin’ down-level, snatchin’ up houses for three times their old value. Makes me hat stand on end, hoo!”

On top of making housing less affordable, the influx of mosquito-men, lesser demons, and other such high-level guys has changed the character of the town’s schools and workplaces.

“The Channelstone Magic School used to be a reliable entry-level work option for local kids looking to get their start,” complained Giraldus, a corrupted mage who has prowled the Hall of Scrolls full-time for 35 years. “Then they tell me that some rotten kid from the Droughtlands is starting next week, making my salary plus half, and for what? Just because she’s some college-girl viper priestess? If this is the new standard, they’re never going to give a job to a wisp or rabid dog around here ever again.”

Despite the accusations of being gentrifiers, many of the new arrivals defend the changes brought about by their move, seeing them as improving the lives of everyone, irrespective of level.

“I’ve always loved ‘rustic life,’ you know? And when I heard through the grapevine that you could get a place here for less gold than I make in a month, I couldn’t not check it out, right?” said a flaming, preposterously buff-looking skeleton who works remotely for a company in the Crypt Without End. “Look on the bright side, man. The small-town simple folk around here can sell their taverns and grottos for beaucoup bucks, and move to… I don’t know, somewhere. If it was easy for me to move then it’s got to be easy for them, right?”

At press time, defensive newcomers called the complainers hypocrites, and said they ought to be just as upset about the goat-demon buying up all the property in Lower Undead Burg.

Depiction of flameskull by Conceptopolis from Monster Manual, 5th Edition

Fallout-Themed Magic: the Gathering Deck Requires Day One Patch

Posted on by Brandon Talley

RENTON, Wash. — The recently announced Fallout-themed Magic: the Gathering crossover decks will require a day one patch, annoyed sources have confirmed.

“This is very normal and the reports coming out are making it sound much worse than it actually is,” stated Wizards of the Coast PR Representative Lance Baker. “Yes, we are aware that sometimes Dogmeat appears without any skin, other times half the cards are in Spanish, and one of our testers keeps shitting himself while playing and he swears it’s related. However, this patch will probably fix these issues. Come on though, you can’t really expect a Fallout game to run well, even in physical card form.”

Gamers familiar with previous Fallout releases were not surprised by this turn of events.

“I’m not surprised by anything anymore,” said Donald Borgson, a Fallout fan with a forlorn gaze. “But don’t worry about me, because there’s a fun way I deal with it: I disassociate. When I begin swearing profusely at my monitor because my character is somehow stuck inside a wall, I disassociate. When I feel a meltdown coming on because I had to reload a sixth time after a required NPC wouldn’t appear, I disassociate. When I find myself sending a baggy of toenail clippings to Bethesda because my 200 hour save corrupted, I disassociate. I think this is a very normal and healthy way to have fun and I am excited to do the same with this card game.“

Gaming historian Henry Tooterman sees this as an inevitable shift for future games of all types.

“It’s not like the old days where a product is released when it’s finished,” said Tooterman. “Even card game designers have realized they can avoid paying people to finish their games and instead have fans do it. It’s now on the community to fix these broken games with unofficial patches. As long as you don’t mind the occasional Thomas the Tank Engine card shoved into your deck, the system works.”

At press time, Wizards of the Coast was reportedly debating whether their new cards will also require an always on internet connection.

Guy Who Navigates ‘GTA 5’ Map by Heart Uses Google Maps in Own Neighborhood

Posted on by Alec Walker

ST. PETERSBERG, Fla. — Local virtual criminal and high schooler Kevin Kant can make his way from Paleto Bay to South Los Santos Pier without opening his eyes, but can’t get to his friend’s house just down the street without Google Maps, multiple sources have confirmed.

“The real car shit just feels weird to me, I don’t know,” said Kant, looking away from his monitor to respond to us while managing to still obey all traffic laws within Grand Theft Auto V. “It’s like, if I spend 3,000 hours doing one thing, but zero hours doing another, which one do you think I’m gonna excel at? Maybe I’d be better at IRL driving if I could get out of the car at any time and kill innocent people indiscriminately, like in GTA, but I can’t. Maybe if I were a cop or something.”

Kant’s driving instructor, Rufus Turner, is baffled at the boy’s sheer ineptitude behind an actual wheel. 

“I’m out of moves. He gets in the car and just starts crying,” said Turner, also crying. “He says he can’t see properly because ‘The monitor is like 144p.’ I think he’s talking about the windshield. The boy clearly needs glasses for distance, and maybe a psychologist for good measure. Then I try to have him just drive around the neighborhood and he insists on using his phone, even to practice left turns around the block. This kid is gonna need every break he can get out there in the real world. Maybe he should become a cop or something.”

Kant’s childhood best friend, Blaine Yang, is well aware of the disparity between his navigational skills in real life and video games. 

“When we were kids, Kevin used to do this amazing bit when we were walking around the neighborhood where he pretended to think we were lost,” said Yang. “But now I realize he was just getting lost on the commute home from school every single day. No way he gets very far in this world. He’s probably gonna end up being a cop or something.” 

As of press time, Kant is considering a move to Los Angeles so he can drive in the city his favorite game is based on and actually kind of know where some things are, maybe.