Live-Action ‘Akira’ Movie Dismissed As Old Tale Told To Scare Misbehaving Children

HOLLYWOOD – Decades-old rumors of a potential live-action Akira remake have once again been dismissed as a frightening myth told to naughty kids.

“There’s simply no proof,” scriptwriter Sheryl Spade confirmed. “It’s a blunt way for parents to keep young anime fans in line and nothing more. So many children from the early 2000’s will recall that if they didn’t stop watching Toonami’s Midnight Run and get a good night’s sleep, the scary Hollywood producer would come and bastardize another beloved classic. Of course the film industry has its dark corners, but butchering one of the most beloved and influential animated films of all time and reanimating it with human flesh? For what, money? What a macabre fantasy.”

The 1988 Japanese cyberpunk extravaganza has long been dogged by baseless horror tales, ranging from goofy campfire stories about Gary Oldman and Helena Bonham Carter being cast as baddies through to the gruesome insistence of a PG-13 rating.

“Every generation has an urban legend like this,” film historian Caitlyn Vandesh explained. “The release dates change and the actors change, but it’s all the same core scares adapted to the pop culture of the time. Early interpretations had Gary Whitta cackling maniacally when Katsuhiro Otomo gave him permission to reinterpret everything. There are versions where the directors are cursed as well, like the one where Stephen Norrington was attached in 2002, but his career was slain by The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie. There’s one floating around schoolyards recently where Taika Waititi was on-board, but he directed Thor: Blood & Thunder instead. Sure, guys. And Marylin Manson removed one of his ribs too, right?”

Despite all reassurances, filmgoers remain on their toes. Akira holds a deep spiritual significance for many, and superstitious fans have been known to look for supposed apocalyptic “signs” in everyday occurrences, such as people yelling their friend’s name across a stadium or a motorbike doing a totally sick sideways slide.

“I’m not scared,” anime fan Bryn Splath denied, shaking. “It’s just, after Death Note and everything… You can’t deny there’s sick people in the world. It’s just plausible enough. Every time I hear about a new producer credit or a casting interest, I just keep repeating to myself: ‘It’s only a Screen Rant puff-piece. It’s only a Screen Rant puff-piece.’ That’s not real. It can’t be, right? …Right?”

At press time, new urban myths have sprouted up saying that the success of Netflix’s One Piece was simply a fluke.

Atlus Somehow Leaks GTA 6 Trailer Early

After leaking their own game, Persona 5 Tactica, on Steam early on Wednesday morning, beloved RPG developer ATLUS has somehow managed to leak the highly-anticipated trailer for Grand Theft Auto 6.

“What the hell?” said Rockstar Games president Sam Houser. “We work hard to make some of the most profitable… I mean, impactful games on the market. A big part of that is the hype cycle. First we had the announcement of our trailer spoiled early, now this company that we’ve literally never had anything to do with leaks our trailer? The day after they leaked their own game? At some point, you just have to be impressed by how good they are at leaking.”

The trailer was posted late at night on the ATLUS West Twitter account, with the simple caption “get a load of this shit.” Even executives at the company are still baffled by the seeming rampant trend of leaks associated with the company.

“For the millionth time, I have no idea who the leaker is.” ATLUS West CEO Naoto Hiraoka said in an interview. “Leaking our trailers and even releasing our own games early is one thing, but how the hell did they get their hands on the GTA 6 trailer? No complaints from me though. Our social media numbers are looking better than ever.”

Fans seemed to confirm the rise in the developer’s social media presence, sharing the account with friends in hopes of getting exclusive leaks.

“At first, I just followed for details on new Persona news,” said Rhett Grandfield, a longtime follower of ATLUS across social media. “Getting the leaked trailers for Persona 3 Reload and Persona 5 Tactica early was pretty cool. But the GTA 6 trailer? I’m going to be turning on post notifications for sure.”

At the time of publication, the mysterious ATLUS leaker was reportedly planning to release the Super Mario Odyssey 2 ROM on the company’s website.

In Anticipation Of The Zelda Movie Here’s Our Top 20 Complaints

Like a horrifically visaged moon, the impending release of The Legend of Zelda movie is descending upon us whether we like it or not, bringing with it death and destruction in its wake. Luckily, we are armed with a whole laundry list of complaints for such an occasion. By having these laid out in an easily accessible article, I’m sure Nintendo will concede and allow me to direct the movie instead because, really, I’m the only one who can do it justice. So, let’s begin.

#1 —The Director Sucks

Nintendo has announced that director Wes Ball will be handling the Zelda movie. Wow, already off to a horrific start. Couldn’t get anyone else besides the Maze Runner guy? Yeah, I’ve never seen those movies, but I’m sure they’re lame as hell.

#2 — They Announced It In A Tweet

This is how you know Nintendo thinks this is gonna suck. They didn’t even announce it in a Direct. Instead they just shat it out in a tweet like it was a 15% off deal on Breath of the Wild. Obviously that means they know it’s going to be a piece of shit.

#3 — The Producer Is Evil

Miyamoto named one other person in his tweet – Avi Arad, the producer. This is a huge red flag. Arad is the same guy who forced Sam Raimi to include Venom in Spider-Man 3, leading to that movie sucking eggs! Hopefully he doesn’t force Nintendo to include him in here as well.

#4 — It’s Not Animated

The colorful world of Hyrule just isn’t suited for live action. It should have been animated – preferably by Studio Ghibli, so I can just watch Princess Mononoke again. Also, now it can’t even be connected to the Mario Bros. movie. There goes my film treatment for Super Smash Bros.

#5 — The Actors Are Gonna Be Bad

We all know where this is going. Next Direct be ready for a Pratt-level meltdown from me and the other true Zelda fans when they inevitably announce Timothée Chalamet or Tom Holland as Link.

#6 — No Way Link Can Be A Good Character

Link is a mute, and has no personality. There’s simply no way that they can make him interesting, he exists only as the ‘link’ between the game and the player. So unless I get to choose every line of dialogue he says, his entire purpose and origin has been discarded.

#7 — It Should’ve Been Kirby, Damnit

Out of all the Nintendo characters and series they could have chosen, why not Kirby? It would be a true cinematic experience, watching that pink puff-ball run around on the big screen. Better than whatever garbage they’re going to make with the Zelda movie.

#8 — The Legend of Zelda Can’t Work As A Movie

This series is so engrained with video gamey stuff that there’s absolutely no way that they can put it in another medium. Well, except for the mangas, those were alright.

#9 — It’s Going To Make Zelda Mainstream

With this movie, no longer will Zelda be a niche game series. There’s going to a huge influx of new fans, each of which I already hate. They don’t have the same understanding of the series as me, cause they didn’t start with playing Ocarina of Time.

#10 — The Dialogue Will Be Cringey

Hope you’re ready for Zelda to say ‘Well THAT just happened!’ when Ganon comes and destroys her castle.

#11 — Sony Is Involved

Sony Pictures is involved with this movie, and I can’t believe I had to type that. As a loyal Nintendo soldier who hates just about anything with the Sony branding, I simply cannot think of a reason why Nintendo would choose to work with their heated rival like this. I thought they learned their lesson with the failed Nintendo PlayStation in the 90’s. Shaking my damn head.

#12 — Going To Kiddify Zelda

They’re going to make sure that even kids can enjoy this movie, and completely ruin the nuanced and sophisticated world of the Zelda series. As an adult, I need any and all media I consume to be dark and mature, like me. Not since Wind Waker came out have I been this worried about the future of this game series.

#13 — The Writer Is Awful

Who did Nintendo get to write their Zelda movie? The guy who wrote The Rise Of Skywalker. Yeah, that one. If he thought the Star Wars fans were bad, just wait till he gets a load of us.

#14 — Have To Go To Theater To See It

Unlike a video game, the superior medium, I’m going to have to leave the house to see this movie. I can’t wait to dish out like 50 bucks to see this thing, including pop and snacks, then have to be surrounded by the general public. Truly horrific.

#15 — Going To Have A Horrible Soundtrack

The Zelda series has a long list of iconic songs and tunes. So, I can’t wait to listen to the dregs of the Billboard Top 100. Or, even worse, a bunch of 80’s songs.

#16 — Will Ruin Zelda’s Character

Zelda is a damsel in distress, but I’m sure Nintendo will make it so that she’s a girlboss or something. She should only act as Link’s motivation, but nope, they’ll make it woke garbage instead.

#17 — Will Get The Lore Wrong

The process of adaptation means that they will take some creative liberties with the lore. Stuff like the Twili and the Zonai will be absolutely ruined. What a joke. I didn’t watch a cumulative total of 500 hours of video essays on Zelda lore just to have to learn something new.

#18 — Could’ve Made A New Game

With the budget that this movie will have, they could have made a brand new Zelda game, hell they probably could have made two! But no, they have to make a stupid movie that doesn’t even play on my Switch instead.

#19 — Will Completely Mess Up The Timeline

The Zelda timeline is a delicate balance of planning and pure bullshit. Now, with a movie in the mix, there will have to be significant changes. Will this take place in the child timeline or adult timeline? I’m sure these are not what they were thinking about, unfortunately.

#20 — Tingle Should Never Be Put To Film

This character should stay in the digital space. I’m actually scared as to the repercussions of making an actual human play as Tingle. Will they make him hot? Will he be a creep? These are the questions that keep me awake at night until I inevitably pre-order my tickets to see the movie at midnight.

Team of Literary Scholars Stuck Debating if Mr. Darcy’s Power Level Higher Than Don Quixote’s

NEW HAVEN, Conn. Yale University’s most respected and accredited literary scholars have been stuck debating the power levels of various famous book characters for nearly a week, it’s been reported.

“Obviously, Don Quixote’s many adventures through Spain make him the clear GOAT,” head of English Studies Felisa Berger said. “Mr. Darcy’s nothing but a little Englishman bitch. His money basically ensured he’d never face any true difficulties other than his tumultuous love life. I don’t see how anyone could ever think he has a chance in hell at beating Don Quixote. Sure he’s crazy, but honestly that’s another point for Don. Mr. Darcy wouldn’t know what hit his ass.”

This evolution of literary discussion was seen as inevitable by some.

“At this point, what else do we have to talk about?” professor Edward Gilmore said. “You’ve got decades of research and debate over the themes and merits of these works. So, why not spend our time talking about the power scaling of the literary canon? Not like we ever got much farther in our other debates. Besides, this stuff does gangbusters on YouTube Shorts.”

Others hate the notion that this is what they have been reduced to.

“This whole fight is laughable. I can’t believe this is what we’ve been reduced to,” stated professor Daniel Parnell. “We used to be the world’s foremost experts on literature. Now we debate this. And first off, the time and locations don’t add up, so there’s no way that they’d ever even be near each other to fight. Besides, we all know that Mr. Darcy would beat the shit out of that fake conquistador, no cap.” 

At press time, though the team was still quarreling, they were all able to agree that the books are still “peak fiction”.

Video Game With Four Emote Options Perfectly Matches Gamer’s Range of Emotions

WICHITA, Kan. — Local gamer Tad Frassley is happy that he has discovered a competitive online game that only has four emotes, mirroring his simple emotional palate.

Frassley, a 12-year-old stuck inside a 34-year-old, has become an avid fan of card-battler StacksWorldz after discovering how little emotion you have the ability to convey in the game. 

“It’s, like, depressing to play a game and have all these different emotions you can do,” Frassley said using the sad emote. “Worst yet, all the different feelings and stuff change between games. How am I supposed to tell ‘jaunty’ in one game from ‘jovial’ in a different one? Like, what even is ‘swagger’? I don’t get it, man; all I need is a small list of emotes to let people know what I think.

StacksWorldz, a card-battling roguelike WW2 RPG MMO with a story about magic teenage alien zombies, has only four reactions that players can use: happy, angry, sad, and confused. That’s not many compared to other card games on the market, but that’s a selling point for Frassley.

“That’s why StacksWorldz fuckin’ rules; doesn’t have all that bullshit, “ Frassley continued, angrily emoting. “It’s just got the four buttons you can press to tell the other guy how you feel about his last move, and that’s all you need. I mean, look at Baldur’s Gate 3; do you know how many emotionally fraught conversations and situations you can get into in that? Too many– it sucks. I have no idea what people are trying to tell me through body language and tone of voice in that stupid game.” 

As of press time, Frassley claimed he was quitting StacksWorldz after he was confused by the new paid premium emote that was added to convey “disappointment”.

Attention All Deckbuilding Sickos: You Gotta Play Cobalt Core

Ever since falling in love with Slay the Spire around 4 years ago, I’ve been trying to find a deckbuilding game that can in some ways live up to it. After popularizing, if not inventing, the roguelike deckbuilding genre, many games have tried to emulate its success. Cobalt Core, a new game developed by Rocket Rat Games and published by Brace Yourself Games of Crypt of the Necrodancer fame, gives me more of what I love and blazes its own path in the roguelike-deckbuilding subgenre.

In the gameplay department, fans of Spire or other deckbuilding games will feel entirely at home. When you start a run, you’ll get to choose three pilots to man your ship. These pilots will determine what cards will be available to you throughout your run. Each pilot has their own specialty, ranging from building shield, risky offense, or using drones to do your dirty work for you. Some of these specialties will be familiar to fans of the genre, but others are pretty unique to the genre.

Speaking of “unique to the genre,” Cobalt Core’s ship system is perhaps what makes it feel most fresh. Instead of fighting with a character or party of characters, you fight in ship-vs-ship combat. It seems minute, but this adds more to manage: you can move your ship to dodge attacks, target weak points, or get behind cover. I didn’t know how much of a change this would be, but playing for myself, a surprising amount of depth gets added to the combat from this seemingly-minute change.

Instead of trying to just build up shield, you can use movement cards to dodge out of the way. You could block the attack with a drone. You could use a stun attack to prevent the enemy from acting. There’s a myriad of possibilities, depending on the combination of pilots and ship you choose.

The presentation is just as creative as the gameplay, too. A cute pixel art style is accompanied by a synth-heavy soundtrack. Usually, playing a deckbuilding game is my opportunity to catch up on podcasts or listen through some Spotify playlists. However, I more often than not found myself zoning out to the chill battle themes and humming along in this game instead. It’s easily the most stylized deckbuilders I’ve played in recent memory.

The writing in Cobalt Core complements that presentation well, with a lot of conversations to be had between pilots, your ship’s AI, and the numerous fun NPCs you meet along your journeys. There’s also a bit of a story to the game that, admittedly, I haven’t found the time to see to its end. However, as you complete cycles and learn more about the mysterious time loop and titular Cobalt Core, it seems like there’s some interesting things to learn. The story & writing probably won’t be the main attraction that keeps you coming back, but cute banter between your crewmates is a fun extra cherry on top of some of the incredibly fun package.

Overall, after roughly 15 hours of playtime, Cobalt Core stands out in a crowded year as one of my favorites, evoking things I love about roguelikes and giving me new features to appreciate, too. If you love Slay the Spire, play Cobalt Core. If you like roguelikes, play Cobalt Core. If you’re a fan of cute animals, play Cobalt Core. Really, you should just play Cobalt Core. It’s out on Nintendo Switch & Steam right now, and it’s perfect for portable play.

A Steam code for review was provided by Brace Yourself Games.

ACTUALLY: This is Dr. Mario and This is Dr. Mario’s Monster

Video game discourse on the internet is a slippery slope. Passionate gamers will leave their blood, sweat and tears in the comment section fighting for their correct opinion. But there is one argument that needs to be sealed away once and for all: Dr. Mario is the Doctor, and Dr. Mario’s Monster is the protagonist of the mainline Super Mario games. 

For years I have argued with misinformed gamers about this certain reality. How else could “Mario” jump that high, run that fast, and grow that big without years of genetic modifications carried out by Dr. Mario? Dozens of surgeries and experiments have been conducted to turn the once ordinary plumber into a Koopa killing machine. 

It’s true that Dr. Mario’s Monster is the main character of the story, but calling him “Mario” is an insult to the brilliant man behind this marvel of scientific engineering. A trailblazer in gene splicing tanooki and elephant DNA with humans to create the modern super soldier. 

This isn’t to say we agree with the actions of Dr. Mario as he pushes the limits of the human condition. Like Sisyphus, Dr. Mario’s Monster is forced to endure endless torture. Constantly having to rescue the “princess” is nothing more than an immortal punishment for the Doctor’s man-made abomination. 

The Super Mario series is an exploration into the danger of scientific endeavors left unchecked. Shigeru Miyamoto has authored a modern day Frankenstein story set in a fantastical world of stars and mushrooms. Casual gamers who refuse to read between the lines will forever make a fool of themselves when referring to “Mario” in Reddit threads and Discord servers alike.

So do your part, and spread the word to every gamer you know: Dr. Mario is the Doctor, and Dr. Mario’s Monster is the guy in the red hat.

‘Simpsons’ Writers Confirm Homer Will Now Only Beat Bart With a Belt

After a staggering 30 years on television, beloved adult animated series The Simpsons is retiring the running gag that has had viewers in a chokehold since its debut. Going forward, Homer Simpson will no longer be wrapping his fingers around his mischievous son’s neck. Instead, they’ll be securely clutching the black leather of his belt as he beats Bart senseless.

“I’m happy to move on,” said Matt Selman, showrunner of The Simpsons. “Homer strangling Bart — this was an adequate way to discipline children back in the 90s. But that simply isn’t enough anymore. Kids today are always on their damn phones. It takes a more deliberate beating with lasting bruises to get them to listen up.”

In a recently aired episode, Marge remarks how proud she is of Homer for no longer strangling the boy. This occurs during a conversation in which she gifts her husband a new belt without blood on it.

“We’re okay changing with the times,” stated Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer Simpson for 35 seasons. “A few years back, we got called out for having a white man voice the Indian immigrant storeowner, Apu. Now, my colleague Hank Azaria is more than happy to rectify that situation by recording all his lines in brownface. Standards evolve and people can too.”

At press time, the official The Simpsons Twitter account tweeted a post encouraging artists drawing incestual fanart to only depict choking among the family members as consensual.

Hard Drive’s Gift Guide: The Best Nintendo Gift Ideas

It’s that time of year: the holiday season is upon us! Luckily, the last bastion for hard-hitting gaming journalism has you covered with all the gifts you need for the Nintendo fan in your life, complete with affiliate links to each product so you can get the product quickly, and we can profit off of your kindness. Whether the beloved Nintendo fan in your life is 6 years old or 60 years old, something in our Nintendo gift guide will surely be for them!

A Nintendo Switch

Apparently, this thing is sticking around.

New Pair of Joy-Cons

Let’s be real, the pair on the console you just bought is already three months away from Joy-Con drift.

Rollerdrome

It isn’t available on any Nintendo consoles but the game fucking whips, so you should buy it anyways. For yourself and any gift recipients.

Waluigi Copyright Claim Tee

What, you thought we weren’t gonna shill for our merch store in a gift guide?

Joy-Con Racing Wheels

It’s a fun little experiment to see what it would be like for The Mountain to drive your car.

Mario + Rabbids: Sparks of Hope

Find out what happens when two of God’s biggest mistakes make a game together!

Nintendo eShop Gift Card

It’s just easier this way, Mom.

The Legend of Zelda: Korok Torture Room Simulator

There’s a different name on the box, but the sentiment is still there. No game has done the torture genre better before or since!

Super Mario RPG Remake

Finally, we can find out if the doll that weirdos think should be in Smash Bros. actually deserves it.

Nintendo Switch Pro Controller

I would personally call this “the required controller if you ever want your hands to be comfortable,” but I guess that didn’t roll off the tongue as well as “Pro Controller.”

Steam Deck

The system with the best virtual console support I’ve ever seen, and Nintendo didn’t even put their names on it. Crazy!

Pikmin 4

Miyamoto said he’s personally holding your loved one hostage until you buy this as a gift for them. An unorthodox strategy, but hard to deny its effectiveness.

2 Tickets to Super Nintendo World

Get this for your significant other and put the pressure on them to buy the flight and hotel. Playing the long game with this one!

Joker/Sora amiibo

Adjust appropriately for if your nephew is more of a “silent protagonist” or “I fight for friendship” kind of kid.

Pokemon Cards

It’s only a matter of time until react YouTubers make their value skyrocket again. It’s like savings bonds with pretty pictures!

Super Mario Wonder/Super Mario LEGO

If you’re buying for your kid, you either won’t get to play your own Switch as much, or you need to step everywhere in your home with caution. Pick your poison.

Xbox Game Pass Subscription

Maybe this will make Dillon finally realize that Xbox rules and Nintendo drools!!!

Fortnite: Transformers Pack

Sure, the game is free to play, but just seeing “Fortnite” and “V-Bucks” on the box will be enough for the younger gamers.

4K TV

Be prepared, as this will be your beloved Nintendo fan’s first time seeing in a resolution above 1080p.

Casting in the Zelda Movie

Miyamoto told us in an exclusive interview that whoever Venmos $200,000 to @parkj0hn will get casted in whatever role they want in the Zelda movie. First come first served, though, so be sure to send your money fast if you want Tingle!

Cities Skylines 2 Money Guide: How to Make Money Faster

Want to make money faster in Cities Skylines 2? Balancing your city’s budgetary needs is always going to be your biggest concern in a city simulator, and there are plenty of ways to rake in funds. This Cities Skylines 2 guide will list all the methods you have at your disposal to keep the city coffers filled.

How to Make Money Faster in Cities 2: Raise Taxes

Of course, this is the first thing you ought to do. While this is a quick fix to economic woes, you need to balance it out by ramping up the tax rate over a few months, rather than in one fell swoop. This is a careful balancing act as it can lead to unforeseen problems such as a mass exodus of businesses and residents, as well as widespread destitution and homelessness. Higher taxes should be a very short term fix to a negative monthly city revenue, and you should pivot to other solutions as soon as possible.

Cities Skylines 2 Money Guide: Services’ Budgets

Found under the Services tab, in the Economy menu, the budgets for every city service from Roads to Landscaping can be individually tweaked. While you can cut down heavily on expenses by reducing the budget for a given service, be aware that doing so leads to employee redundancy which in turn lowers that particular service’s performance or quality over a period of several months, which should give you some breathing room in the short term, but cannot be sustained over the long term without damaging Cim satisfaction with your city.

Parking Fees

That tried and true tactic, just like in real life, parking fee income should especially be your go to as of right now during the launch of the game, because you can comfortably impose the highest possible fee of $50 currently without any repercussions from Cims. Whether it is intentional design or simply a bug, doesn’t matter, but this applies to both roadside parking and lots.

Exporting Utilities: Make Money Fast in CS2

Cities run on the two most basic of needs–electricity and water, and if you have them in excess, some city somewhere else could do with their supply. Early on, Coal and Wind sources will suffice for generating electricity for export, but maximum efficiency for your operating costs will be achieved with a Geothermal Power Plant. Once you’ve set up the grid connections, funds will just trickle in with no further effort from you.

That is every way to game the system to make money faster in Cities Skylines 2. Check out our guide on how to address the “Not Enough Customers” issue in Cities Skylines II, which you’re sure to come across at some point in the game.