METRO KINGDOM — Local adventurer Mario Mario is allegedly trapped inside an unsettling painting by modern artist H.R. Giger after having jumped 12-feet into the air from a standing position and passing through it like a magic portal.
“I was working the Sunday afternoon shift when I saw this short, mustachioed fella practicing parkour in the contemporary art wing,” said museum security guard Rory Ferguson. “I told him to leave but he yelled ‘so long, rent-a-cop’ and then backflipped to the second floor. I thought I finally cornered him, but then he flipped right into that creepy as all get out H.R. Giger painting. No one has seen him since.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Mario’s brother Luigi Mario was called in to help locate his brother.
“Naturally the museum a-contacted me, as I’m the one who a-handles spooky shit. And of course, I rescued Mario when a-King Boo trapped him inside an a-painting before,” said Luigi. “I had a device on loan from-a Professor E. Gadd that allowed Mario and I to-a communicate. He told me about how there was-a someone, or-a something, in the painting with him that sort of resembled a toad. But when Mario a-pproached it, a penis a-monster exploded from its stomach and scurried off. And not the-a cum kind of exploded.”
While Mario reportedly tried to remain in good spirits, it was clear he deeply regretted entering the painting.
“Mama-mia. It’s just-a all so phallic. There’s-a no blue coins, there’s a-not even any warp pipes. I thought I-a saw a mushroom, but it was-a just the tip of another a-dick. It’s just-a all cold, gray, sinuous dicks-a. Dicks-a everywhere,” whimpered Mario. “Please-a, tell the princess not-a to wait for me. Bowser, he can-a provide her with-a good life. Go to him-a, princess.”
At press time, several yoshis had been sent in to rescue Mario, but many have unfortunately merged with the drooling, endoparasitoid monsters found inside the painting after eating some xenomorph eggs.
Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.