Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Man Suddenly Realizes He Got Fucking Hosed in Pokémon Trade 20 Years Ago

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Dan Luberto

ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Local man Dave Roberts is reportedly distraught after realizing he got fucking hosed in a Pokémon card trade he took part in nearly twenty years ago on a school bus in his hometown.

“I got fucking got by that motherfucker,” said Roberts of the incident in which he gave an older kid his first edition holographic Blastoise in return for a Geodude and an Onyx. “Fucking Ben Meyers. He told me I was coming out on top because he was giving me two cards, and I let him talk me into it because I liked Brock and wanted his Pokémon. I got fleeced!”

The recent resurgence in collectable card games led Roberts to look into the value of his collection at a local game store, in turn causing the painful memory to resurface.

“He brought his cards in and there wasn’t too much worth anything. I told him the only real money cards are first editions of the big names like Charizard, Mewtwo, and Blastoise, and once I said ‘Blastoise’ he started visibly shaking,” said Rudy Tolan, owner of Nightmare Wizards game shop. “When I told him that Blastoise was worth a couple grand in mint condition he damn near punched right through our display case.”

Trading card historian Martha DiPasquale weighed in on Roberts’ complete lack of judgment.

“We’ve all made a bad trade, but this is a life-changing amount of money, even as a third grader. He should have known better,” said DiPasquale. “The fact that he hasn’t tried to hunt down Mr. Meyers since the revelation is honestly surprising.”

At press time, Roberts’ wife was last seen perusing Meyer’s social media to see if she could trade up in her own right.

Unvaccinated Muscle-Child Going for Glass Cannon Build

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

MADISCON, Wisc. — 9-year-old muscle child Toby Burrows will reportedly avoid receiving his COVID-19 vaccine in order to achieve a glass cannon build, according to close sources.

“I’m really proud of the workout regimen we’ve been able to get Toby on since the beginning of quarantine — he’s really bulked up in the last year and a half — but I’m so excited for him to unlock all those groovy perks when he levels up into the official glass cannon build by rejecting the COVID-19 vaccine,” explained Burrows’ father and personal trainer, Duane Burrows. “A lot of our friends and family are nervous about the build and think we should just get him the vaccine so he can be a tank, but I already did that with my 11-year-old daughter Clarissa. If you want a well rounded family, you really want to slot at least one of your kids into DPS.”

“Plus, it will save us a ton of money on armor,” Duane Burrows added. “Tanks have to wear all this bulky metal, but little Toby is only allowed to wear robes, in accordance with his build.”

Those close to the Burrows family have become very nervous about the situation. According to those familiar with the situation, Toby’s aunt and Duane’s sister Katelyn Ali has considered contacting the Wisconsin Department of Children and Family.

“I get that people really want to start getting their kids ready for the rest of their lives younger and younger. Hell, I got my son into a prestigious daycare when he was three years old because I heard it can help him get into a better college one day. But Toby’s like definitely gonna die, right?” Ali asked. “And don’t get me wrong, Clarissa looks great. She’s a killer and I’m proud of her. Nothing wrong with going for a tank build! But I think the government should probably step in at this point and at least put baby Toby in a Sunday school class so that he can rank into Paladin and play support.”

Despite criticism, the Burrows family has stayed on track with the glass cannon build. At press time, Toby Burrows had already unlocked a glass cannon perk — a class-exclusive spell that pushes enemies away — after coughing a whole bunch at a Cracker Barrel.

245 Seasons In, America Still Unplayable Without Cheat Codes

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Jolie Darrow

WASHINGTON — On the day marking its 245th season in existence, experts on the country The United States of America have confirmed that it is unfortunately still unplayable at the highest level without massive amounts of cheating and passing on items from older accounts.

“I was so excited when I was brand new to America,” said Maria Niño, a single mother who was born in Colombia. “But the more time I spend in America, the more I realize It’s not meant for people like me to play and win. I just don’t have the stamina, the ore, or the weapons to come out on top. And this is by design.”

In response to massive criticism, President Joe Biden announced plans to improve the anti-cheat system back in November, and pledged to even write out his own walk-throughs. While some were wooed by the optics of this, many feel he only cared about giving out new perks and rare items to police and large corporations.

“The cheating problem is getting worse and worse. It’s a great country and I love being part of it, but it’s just unplayable in its current state,” complained Redditor KarlFartz420. “Someone needs to go in and just straight up ban all the billionaires so the rest of us can enjoy a genuinely healthy meta for the first time.”

“America should be a game like Halo 3, where everyone starts each map with the exact same load out,” KarlFartz420 continued. “Instead it’s just pay-to-win bullshit where only the whales get the weapons that do any damage.”

As of press time, game theorists have warned that if devs don’t figure out a solution soon, citizens will likely find a new and more functional game to play.

Uncle Slapping Nephew on Back Accidentally Assassinates Him

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Peter Casciato

PEEKSKILL, N.Y. — A family reunion turned tragic this afternoon after local truck driver and uncle Chris Meech accidently assassinated his nephew by slapping him on the back, killing the 10-year-old boy instantly.

“I don’t know what happened,” reported a teary-eyed Meech. “I just wanted to congratulate him on a good hustle, but as soon as my hand touched his back, he crumbled. I… I guess I only ever patted him on the head or shoulder before.”

Doctors have long warned that while it will usually take two to three hits to someone’s front to kill them, any attack to a person’s back is an insta-kill. Despite the frequent warnings online and in public advertisements, tragedies like the one that occurred in Peekskill remain all too common.

“We see a lot of these kinds of cases in the summer, especially around the 4th,” said Dr. Debra Murphy, chief of the trauma center at NYU’s Langone Hospital. “An uptick in barbecues, family get-togethers, and youth sports games, always comes with an increase in assassinated children. If you’re going to pat a child, for the love of God, pat them somewhere other than the back.”

“It’s usually the uncles,” she continued. “Kids who have recently gone through a growth spurt or laughed in a confused way at an uncle’s raunchy joke are particularly vulnerable to a slap, but even something as small as the Knicks being up by 3 can be enough to set some uncles off.”

When asked what parents can do to protect their children from being assassinated, Dr. Murphy said that unfortunately, there weren’t many options.

“As of now, the best way to protect your child is to keep them away from any older male family members, especially if they’ve had a burger and a couple of Coors Lights. There’s some interesting research in happening in Europe where they’ve been equipping children with riot-shields, but so far, the results are inconclusive.”

At press time, tragedy struck the town of Peekskill again after a second uncle patted their nephew as well, this time accidentally going into an assassination animation in which they pulled out a knife they didn’t know they had and stabbed the child through the head.

Joey Chestnut Dips Toes Into Esports by Swallowing Entire Switch Library

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Kyle Erf

NEW YORK — Famous challenge eater Joey Chestnut attempted to broaden his fanbase into the gaming world by publicly swallowing all 529 commercially released Nintendo Switch cartridges in a record time of 9:16.32.

“After breaking the hotdog eating record year after year, you start to look for new opportunities,” said Chestnut, well known for his ability to eat 75 Nathan’s Famous hotdogs and buns in ten minutes. “I’ve been eyeing esports for some time, and while I’m never going to make it on Team Liquid or anything, I felt I could contribute in my own special way.”

Chestnut took to the pier at Brooklyn’s Coney Island on Tuesday with a glass of water and the entire Switch catalogue in hand. “The trick is like anything else: avoid chewing, and pace yourself,” said Chestnut, who some regard as an American hero. “I started strong but the bitter plastic coating got to me around minute five. I think I could easily shave 70+ seconds off next time.”

Chestnut believes the current Major League Eating record of 564 oysters in 8 minutes shows the potential of where times could end up.

“We’re excited for this budding move to esports in the professional eating community,” said George Shea, Major League Eating co-founder and Master of Ceremonies. “If there’s one thing the YouTube audience loves more than watching our athletes eat massive amounts of food, it’s video games.”

Said Shea, “We’re already planning our first major event, Games Digested Quick. Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds will be sponsoring a contest where competitors will eat a full roast chicken dinner, energy drink, and regulation AUG A3 Assault Rifle.”

Chestnut is excited for the upcoming challenges, despite what critics have to say.

“There are plenty of people out there telling me what I do is disgusting. That it is excessive and a flagrant display of Western privilege,” remarked Chestnut. “And I agree, video games are all of those things. But I’m still going to eat them.”

Local Grandfather Sold as NFT

Posted on July 3, 2021 by Just Lunning

DOMINO CITY, Japan — Local grandfather and game shop owner Solomon Muto has reportedly been sold as an NFT after being sealed into a card by Duel Monsters creator Maximillion Pegasus, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Ooh, it feels good to watch a man’s soul be sent to the blockchain, doesn’t it, Yugi-boy?” Pegasus reportedly said to Muto’s grandson Yugi just moments after the transaction was completed. “Oh don’t tell me that capturing your grandfather in a card and selling him to the highest bidder, your rival Seto Kaiba, using a technology that’s destroying the planet has put a rift between us. It was nothing personal.”

Close sources have confirmed that the purchaser of the Solomon Muto NFT was none other than KaibaCorp CEO Seto Kaiba.

“I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do with this thing, but keeping any powerful cards out of the hands of Yami Yugi is top priority. Now I own the digital rights to Solomon Muto’s soul and no one else on the planet can obtain the card. Wait, what? People can still get the card even though I own the NFT? I just own the rights to a photo?! Shit, this is really confusing — even for me, the richest and smartest man alive,” Kaiba said. “Whatever, it was probably still worth it. I just wish I hadn’t converted Mokuba to KaibaCoin to pay for it. I miss you, Mokuba… Eh, oh well.”

At press time, Yugi Muto was reportedly working on a way to release his grandfather from the NFT by winning a series of card games or believing in himself really hard.

Smartphone Neck Cancels Out Years of Wal-Mart GameCube Demo Kiosk Neck

Posted on July 3, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

TAMPA, Fla. — A new study by a team at the University of South Florida has shown that years of looking down to text on smartphones may be nullifying the damage caused by years of staring straight up while playing GameCube demos at Walmart for millennials.

“We’ve controlled for several variables in order to isolate potential confounding factors,” said lead researcher Dr. Melvin Owens. “It’s clear that neck strength is directly correlated with how many hours you spent playing The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction at a 75 degree angle.”

Smartphone neck, also known as “text neck” or “iHunch,” affects over 600,000,000 young people worldwide, a number that is growing every year. Owens hopes that their research may lead to new and exciting treatments.

“Our next project will examine the potential restorative effects of these kiosks,” Owens continued. “Now that we know they can prevent the issue, we suspect they can cure it retroactively. Emphasis on the retro! In a few years, I expect every physical therapist will have an assortment of therapy GameCubes available!”

The new study will also include cohorts testing PS2 and Xbox kiosks to determine if any particular demo kiosk is most effective at forcing a gamer to crane their neck for an extended period of time.

“I was actually incapable of looking down until about 2010 when the iPhone 4 came out,” said one participant in the original study. “When I was a kid, my mom would abandon me for hours and hours in the electronics section. My only friends were Captain Olimar and Billy Hatcher. I almost died once because I couldn’t look both ways before crossing the street. Social media cured me. Scrolling saved my life.”

At press time, several medical insurance companies confirmed that they do not and will not ever pay for a “therapy GameCube.”

There’s No Need to Take a Quiz: The Mario Character You Are Is Toad. Here’s What You Need to Know

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Camden Brazile

Character quizzes are all the rage on the internet these days. Everyone wants to know what traits and characters they most align with through a series of fun, lighthearted personal questions. Don’t you want to know what Mario character you are? Well there is no need to even take a quiz. The Mario character you are is Toad.

Trust me, I don’t need to ask you any questions. Just from looking at you, I can tell you are the Toad of your friend group. You are the Toad of your family. You are the Toad of your workplace, Church, and neighborhood. Buddy, you’re Toad. Nothing you could answer on any quiz or even do in your Toad life will ever change this fact; the quiz was over the moment you left your mother’s womb.

William Shakespeare said that some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I am here to tell you that you were born Toad. You achieved Toad (if you call that an achievement.) Finally, you had Toad thrust upon you.

Is this a bad thing? Is it a good thing? There are certainly positives and negatives to being Toad, and the information will have lasting effects on your personal and professional life. On one hand, you’re the fun little guy who helps out your buddies on the way to their own adventures. On the other hand, you’re mostly the background friend, rarely getting a chance to have his own stories. You may not get to compete in the Olympics, but you do get to be the referee. You may not fight in the Smash Bros competitions, but you do get pulled out to block attacks. That’s your role in life, now that you’re a Toad, and it’s up to you to decide what you make of it.

Weep not, my mushroom friend. Understand that this designation is not merely upon your corporeal form. Even death cannot excuse you from this Toad prison you or God has confined you to. Take solace that in your vast, eternal suffering one day you may find peace with your Toad existence.

Also since you asked, I’m obviously Bowser because I’m super cool and badass and strong.

Gamer Told to Dress for Job He Wants Just Wears Headset and Pajamas Everywhere

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Gabe Porter

HACKENSACK, N.J. — Gamer Todd Harrington has been spotted around his workplace wearing an old t-shirt and pajama pants along with a headset after being told by his parents to dress for the job he wants.

“Well, after receiving that small nugget of wisdom from mom and dad, I knew what I had to do,” Harrington said while showing off his closet containing exactly two shirts and one pair of plaid pants. “I decided to model my life after all my favorite streamers and YouTubers. I haven’t had much popularity online in the past, but I know this will turn things around. I’ve already thrown out all the other clothes I had, so in a way, I’m already halfway there. And it’s also extremely comfy.”

Harrington’s co-worker, Sebastian Roux, was less than sure this method would achieve the results wanted.

“We’ve all heard that phrase, but I don’t think it meant exclusively wearing some nasty unwashed pjs from Walmart,” Roux stated. “I mean, you can’t even get his attention through his soundproof headset. He spends most of the day just sitting at the desk thinking about how he’s gonna thank all his subscribers. Don’t even get me started on his thumbnail practicing. Just hours of gaping his mouth at the mirror. It’s making me so stressed out, I’m worried we’re somehow both gonna get fired.”

According to massively popular streamer RagingTim673, more than an outfit is needed to become an internet superstar.

“Everyone always assumes you need some surface-level aspect, like a specific outfit or a sense of humor to be a streamer,” RagingTim673 began, “But it actually comes from making sure you have the latest games and being able to trick people into thinking you’re friends.”

At press time, Harrington confused co-workers in a meeting when he kept referring to the group that he was presenting to as “chat.”

Sakurai Confirms Captain Falcon’s Powers Come From Strong Faith in Jesus Christ

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Camden Brazile

KYOTO, Japan — Super Smash Bros. creator Mashiro Sakurai shocked the gaming community today by finally announcing that fan favorite character Captain Falcon gets his powers from his strong faith in Jesus Christ.

“People have been asking, and I finally decided to deliver,” Sakurai explained in a thread on Twitter. “I always knew he worshipped our eternal savior, and the only true explanation for a Falcon Kick of that power is inspiration from His divine sacrifice. In fact, the truth was always available to those who looked closely! Take Captain Falcon’s signature move, for example: Falcon Punch. FP. Clearly this is an allusion to First Psalms.”

Super Smash Bros. Melee pro and Captain Falcon main Wizzrobe shared his opinion on the news.

“It’s always a great thing to know that after I die in a tournament, my character will be seated at the right hand of the Father, even if it’s digital,” Wizzrobe said. “It makes me take extra joy in using Captain Falcon to kill Jigglypuff, a heinous creation I can only imagine to be a servant of Satan.”

Deacon Robert Ohlmeyer of Saint Gabriel the Archangel Church also weighed in on what this news means for Catholicism.

“We are always welcoming more people to worship at the feet of Christ,” Ohlmeyer said. “I just wish Sakurai could have anointed a cooler fighter. Catholic or not, I’m not changing my main from Samus. I’m still reeling from the time I found out she’s a girl.”

Despite universal praise of the announcement from Smash Bros fans, creator of Captain Falcon and the F-Zero series Takaya Imumara was reportedly disappointed upon hearing the news

“He said what?” Imumara said. “What the fuck? He said what?”

At press time, when asked what was next for the franchise, Sakurai revealed that a future Nintendo direct will feature a live Baptism of the Ice Climbers — something he wanted to do in the Wii U/3Ds era, but did not have the technology capability to complete.

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