Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

NBC Announces 2021 Fall Lineup Will Just Be 2003 Fall Lineup

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A public demonstration of their upcoming fall slate of shows has revealed that NBC’s 2021 fall lineup will exactly mirror their 2003 schedule.

“We didn’t set out to do this exactly, but well, here we are,” said George Cheeks, president of NBC Entertainment, shortly after debuting the wave of kind-of new shows. “We had a lot of these in the works for a while, the Frasier reboot, the Friends reunion, The West Wing reunion, you get the idea. I got an email one day from the guy that played Ed on Ed, and it just said ‘Reboot Y/N?’ and I said ‘Sure, why the hell not?’ Next thing I know they’re telling me we’ve fully rebooted 2003’s programming every single night of the week. I can’t believe it.”

The exact replication of the ‘03 season excited many fans that were familiar with NBC’s programs from 18 years ago.

“Oh thank god,” said Cindy Stapleton, a self described avid TV watcher. “The last thing I want to do this September is have to get into a bunch of new shows and characters. Please just keep feeding me the same shit that I remember, and if you could maybe think about releasing them all at once so I can just bang them out over a weekend and forget about them, that’d be great.”

The presentation, which included announcements of reboots of popular series such as ER, Fear Factor, and yeah, that’s right, Ed, set off a wave of celebrations from both fandoms and casts alike.

“We were all so thrilled when we got the call,” said Julianna Margulies, a member of ER’s sprawling ensemble. “Well, not that surprised, because I think they’re rebooting every TV show in sight at the moment, but I guess I wasn’t expecting them to call. I guess I thought it would be an email. Hey, I’m also hosting The Apprentice and there’s even some talk of me popping up in the rebooted Will & Grace reboot that they cancelled last year, but we haven’t announced anything official yet. Act surprised when we do.”

As of press time, the cast of Law and Order: SVU remained in production on their 23rd season and didn’t see what everyone was freaking out about.

Opinion: It’s 2021 Let the Monkey Out of the Dang Ball

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Nintendo recently announced Super Monkey Ball: Banana Mania, and while that is all well and fine and I am as excited to play these remastered classics as anyone, there is a question that I cannot believe has been left for me to ask: why the heck do we still got him in that dang ball!? Let him out of that thing already, ya buttholes.

We’ve come a long way since that first Monkey Ball game came out. Those rolling effects were real nice for their era, and frankly, we were kind of scared of monkeys pretty good around that time. Remember that movie Outbreak? So I didn’t love that we had them in there, but I understood. However, it’s the twenty-first century now, and technology has made so many impossible things possible, that I really don’t see why we can’t have the monkey running all over the stinkin place? Make the games Super Monkey or I ain’t buying, and the game will not receive the coveted Hard Drive Selects status bestowed upon the finest games released every month. [Editor’s note: Mark, the ‘Hard Drive Selects’ idea has been rejected repeatedly, and as discussed in our meeting, I’m going to start leaving my notes in the published versions of your ‘articles.’ I don’t care if your dad is Stephen Drive and payrolls the entire website. If I can’t stop you from publishing entirely, I can at least give the readers an honest portrayal of what’s happening.]

So like I was saying, get the frickin’ MONKEY out of the stinkin’ BALL already. Let him grab a dang hot dog and throw it back without making a big PRODUCTION out of it, okay? Let him get on a little bicycle and then let me steer him around with my controller! Oh I just made that up and it sounds great. Also sorry if a monkey shouldn’t eat a hot dog. I totally get that.

Wait, have they let him out of the ball? I’m not actually sure I’ve played all the games in this collection. In fact, I have to assume they maybe for sure let him out of the ball once or twice, right? Dang, I sort of just ran with this headline. Oh well, my editor will fix this part up Hhahaha [EDITOR’S NOTE: MARK WE NEED TO TALK. YOU CANNOT HOLD THE SITE HOSTAGE LIKE THIS.]

Now don’t get me wrong, I used to play the crap out of that GameCube one, where the ball would open and you’d float down and try to land on the target below you. That was tight, don’t mess with that one please. In conclusion, I hope they changed some of the games that I can’t remember if I played or not because I might get the new one when it comes out, but certain parts they really better not have messed around with. Thank you for your time and don’t forget to check out my Twitch stream every night [Editor’s note: Mark, I should probably tell you that we haven’t actually been clicking the “go live” button on those.]

Harvard Law Announces Less Demanding ‘I’m Not a Lawyer, But’ Program

Posted on July 2, 2021 by James Gavigan

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Harvard Law School has announced that they are starting a less prestigious program for students who wish to enter the field of law without going through all the hassle of getting a law degree called “I’m Not a Lawyer, But.”

“Getting a law degree can be an incredibly difficult and time consuming process that not everyone has access to. But that doesn’t mean that people unable to complete the Harvard law program shouldn’t be allowed to confidently comment on legal situations in people’s personal lives and in the news. That’s where the ‘I’m Not a Lawyer, But’ program comes into play,” explained Harvard Law School dean John F. Manning. “Everybody should have the opportunity to feel like they’re a lawyer even if they’re not. We’re very excited to open up this program to anyone who feels passionately about commenting on law and has a lot of money they’re willing to give us. I think it’s a great step forward for the law community.”

Harvard has already accepted a group of students to the new program and, according to those close to the situation, the students are buzzing with excitement.

“Truthfully, I’ve always loved saying ‘I’m not a lawyer, but’ in conversations about the law. Now I’m excited I can point to an actual degree on my wall when my friends push back against it,” said future non-lawyer Murphy Stanton. “I’m really interested in starting my own not-a-law firm and helping those who need an opinion on a legal matter, but not from someone who is necessarily a lawyer, but from someone who actually knows a good amount about the law, anyway.”

According to Manning, the program’s curriculum has already been mostly written.

“The ‘I’m Not a Lawyer, But’ program will be easier to complete than the normal law program, but that isn’t to say it’s going to be easy. We have an extensive syllabus for students ready that requires them to listen to several podcasts from lawyers, skim articles about legal issues in the news, and write tweet threads about major Supreme Court decisions,” Manning said. “There will not be a bar exam that students are required to pass, but we have designed a dissertation system in which students will need to improvise an argument about a legal story in front of a panel of non-lawyers, who will then judge if the student sounded convincing.”

“I just wanted to send the elevator back down, you know?” Manning added. “I started my career long, long ago with a prestigious, ‘I’m Not a Teacher, But’ program.”

Report: Local Wizard About to Do Some Major Orb Shit

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Naomi Krause

MADISON, Wis. — Notorious local spellcaster Angwyn Abernant has been spotted fondling his crystal ball for five hours straight, with many residents anticipating some crazy ass wizard shit on its way.

“Oh yeah, that dude’s totally gonna fireball some shit,” said bystander Fabian Aramais. “C’mon, look at him. He’s been juggling that thing for hours. Shit, he just caught it with his tongue! It’s gonna shoot lightning at god any minute now.”

As the anticipation of 3D circle magic grew palpable, a crowd gathered around Aberant. Some were pessimistic about his intentions.

“You never know what you’re going to get with wizards. He might turn my organs inside out, or send images of his junk to dark lord Bazathrax. Who knows?” said cautious onlooker Sandra Lynn, who identified as a mother of three. “I just wish he were a cleric or something. At least priests never hurt anybody.”

When asked about his goals, the wizard could only muster a phlegmy “Ooohoo when my mana comes back you kids are fucked” before trying to bounce the orb between his legs like a basketball, fucking up, and dropping it.

It remained to be seen what manner of dope ass spherical sorcery would take place, but it was sure to be worth the build up and not at all a giant waste of time.

Study: Being Kind to NPCs In-Game Linked to Real-Life Kindness

Posted on July 1, 2021 by Matt Dooman

BURLINGTON, Vt. — A recent University of Vermont study has found that being kind to non-playable characters in video games has a direct correlation to real-life kindness.

“I first noticed this when I came home to find my son playing Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six and trying to talk the terrorists out of being terrorists,” says UVM Director of Psychological Science Dr. Bill Stanbury. “The very next day, he talked his bully out of bullying him.”

In a series of experiments, Stanbury observed participants interacting with NPCs and then interacting with one another. Results showed that people who were willing to be empathetic towards non-sentient virtual characters were much more likely to be patient and understanding with other human beings.

Participants in the study had opinions both for and against the study’s findings.

“I always felt self conscious about my gaming habits, but it was nice to see them validated in a professional setting,” said graduate student Melinda Pratt. “I figure that these characters probably appreciate it if you stand around and listen to all of their recorded lines of dialogue. Somebody had to record those lines, you know!”

“I wasn’t affected by that stupid study,” John Robson, another participant and self-proclaimed bad boy of Burlington. “I played Animal Crossing and got pretty far all by myself without making any friends. Just like in real life. The only thing my nerd classmates are good for is getting tripped in the hallway. Wait, do my classmates get sad sometimes when I treat them badly just like the characters in Animal Crossing when they get rain clouds over their heads?”

At press time, Dr. Stanbury said that the Department of Psychological Science was preparing a follow-up study to observe the correlation between following traffic laws in driving games and following traffic laws in real life.

Sonic and Mario Olympic Games Also Hotbed for Sex Between Athletes

Posted on July 1, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — New reports from within the Sonic and Mario version of the Summer Olympics have revealed today that this version of the Olympic Games is as much a hotbed for sex between athletes as the one for humans.

“You have to remember, everyone competing at these events are at the physical peak of their lives. There’s really no reason to assume they wouldn’t be going to town on each other’s bodies, regardless of whether they’re a Nintendo character or a SEGA character,” explained sports analyst Mamie Wallace. “Mario and Sonic have fucked each other. Eggman and Daisy have sucked each other off countless times. Luigi and Vector have 69ed after most events. DK does butt stuff. I heard he told Shadow to ‘go bongos on [his] ass.’ And that’s only the beginning. Once you get all of these hot, athletic freaks in one spot, there’s literally nothing you can do to stop them from having sex all over the place.”

According to those working the event, a big focus at the Sonic and Mario Summer Olympics has been on sex education and providing contraception.

“There is absolutely no way in hell we could ever rip these athletes off each other, so the next best thing is to make sure they’re doing it safely,” said Dr. Lucinda Wilkinson, an Olympic health official. “It’s our job to provide contraception for everyone at the Olympic Games, and that is a pretty significant undertaking because Sonic and Mario genitalia come in all shapes and sizes. We need to have condoms that work for koopas, hedgehogs, birds, gorillas, Italians, and more.”

Despite the apparent “fuck fest” occurring at the Olympic Games every two years, there are some competitors who feel left out from the sexual activity. One athlete spoke under anonymity about what they consider an unfair practice that does not include everyone.

“Do I wanna suck and fuck and get railed by all the cool koopas and animals? You bet. But so far, not a single person has thought to ask me to get nasty!” said the anonymous athlete. “I guess it’s a blessing in disguise, because I can just focus on the events and doing my best to get as many gold medals as possible. But I think I would be good at sex if just someone gave me a chance. I mean, have you seen how fast I can spin my tails around? That’s gotta be worth something. Oh jeez, I shouldn’t have said that — please don’t include that in the article.”

At press time, several athletes at the Olympic Games reportedly complained that Sonic the Hedgehog came too fast.

Fans of ‘The Crown’ Finally Read the Manga

Posted on July 1, 2021 by Lucas Johnson

OXFORD, Conn. — After a massive wave of scanlations hit the internet, fans of the acclaimed Netflix series The Crown have finally begun reading the manga that the show was originally based on.

The manga, called Whinza- hausu no ōkan or The Crown of Windsor House in Japan, premiered as a dramatic retelling of current events surrounding the British Royal family in Shonen Jump’s first issue in 1968. English- speaking fans of the long-untranslated series are reading through the thousands of chapters of material at their own pace and sharing feelings of dread, excitement, and confusion online.

“I’m not an expert on manga, but I think this is a great adaptation of The Crown. The most confusing part was figuring out that it was written from left to right,” said Paul Meyer on Facebook. “Also, why does everyone’s hair look like that?”

“A lot of the characters’ names in the royal family are repetitive and confusing,” tweeted @MagnaCarti420. “But I’m a JoJo fan, so I guess I’m used to that.”

Some fans feel unsure of what to take away from the story after binge-reading the entire thing. “I’m starting to wonder if this entire series is just racist and awful,” complained Ryan Cruz. “Is it glorifying colonialism and genocide, or it just exploring its horrors and complexities? Either way, it’s very dystopian.”

The Crown has received immense critical acclaim for its loyalty to the original story. However, fans still believe that the creators will take some liberties with adapting the remainder of the manga for television. For example, fans online are confident that their beloved Princess Diana-chan will be protected with plot armor. “Come on,” said one commenter, “this is The Crown, not Attack on Titan.”

Rainbow Road Returns to Regular Road After Pride Month

Posted on July 1, 2021 by Camden Brazile

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo of America announced that all Mario Kart games will receive an automatic update on July 1st, changing Rainbow Road from a colorful space racetrack into a standard space turnpike.

“We actually always meant for Rainbow Road to be Pride Month exclusive, but we forgot for twenty years,” said Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser. “We want to show our unwavering support for the LGBT community, but really, isn’t thirty days enough?”

Michael Harbor, a Mario Kart speedrunner and member of the LGBT community, spoke out about the change to the digital racetrack.

“Nobody really thought the track was political until they announced it was, and before we could even get used to the idea, they’re already taking it away. I feel like I should be offended, but I’m mostly just confused,” Harbor said. “I’m not sure why they are framing this like a pro-gay marketing play. It’s kind of the exact opposite.”

Mario Kart developer Margaret Stevenson defended the reasoning behind Rainbow Road’s controversial update.

“This is not a political statement. It’s just a matter of what makes sense,” Stevenson said. “A floating rainbow in space? That’s a bit outlandish if it’s not Pride Month. A regular toll highway in outer space seems a lot more ‘on brand’ for us, year round.”

Nintendo of America also revealed that the fan-favorite character Toad is a proud gay man, and would therefore no longer be appearing in the Mario series in any form until next June.

‘Call of Duty’ Announces Double Loot Weekend in Honor of Donald Rumsfeld

Posted on June 30, 2021 by Andy Holt

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision has announced Call of Duty will let players loot twice as much this coming weekend, to honor the passing of statesman Donald Rumsfeld.

“Double XP is boring. Instead, we wanted to do something that really honors who Donald Rumsfeld was, as a person and a leader,” said Robert Kotick, CEO of Activision. “So, beginning Friday night, Call of Duty players can celebrate this great man by robbing double the money, weapons and resources from the corpses of people they just murdered overseas.”

Kotick did not hesitate to heap praise on the politician, whose passing was announced today.

“For the Call of Duty family, Rumsfeld wasn’t just some guy. He was a huge part of our success. Those wars we all love so much? He helped get them started, sometimes completely from scratch,” Kotick said. “When gamers are clearing out civilians and stripping homes clean this weekend, I ask them to remember who made it all possible.”

While some observers found the gesture inappropriate, others argued that a video game promotion was the best possible tribute to Rumsfeld’s career.

“When it comes to making war into entertainment, this man was a pioneer, no question,” said media analyst Amelie Nicholson. “Before we even had Call of Duty, Rumsfeld was already teaching Americans how to watch war on a TV screen, totally numb to the suffering being inflicted in their name halfway across the world. Rumsfeld walked so that Warzone could run.”

At the end of the press release, Activision also teased the setting for the next installment in the Call of Duty franchise.

“Rumsfeld always dreamed of invading Iraq again. Let’s just say we’re going to make his dream come true, probably sometime late 2023ish. Stay tuned.”

No Reason for Character to Be Asexual Besides Writer’s Entire Life Experience

Posted on June 30, 2021 by James Gavigan

RENO, Nev. — Hira Fealeaf, the main character of the recently-releasd fantasy novel The Sorcerer of Lumsworth, is asexual, despite having no reason to not be straight other than the fact that author Laila Taylor is forced to draw from her own asexual experiences of the last 32 years.

“There’s this scene in chapter 10 where a guy hits on Hira and she explains that she’s asexual and I rolled my eyes so hard. It doesn’t affect the plot at all that she’s asexual, it’s the most random thing in the world. So why even make her have a sexuality in the first place? Just make her straight,” said a Redditor in r/books.

“I would understand if her being asexual became a major part of the story or the character’s defining personality trait — as long as it’s not too much of a stereotype — because then there would be a reason for it. Otherwise it’s just virtue signaling,” the comment went on to say.

Despite the online backlash against the character’s sexuality, several fans said that they didn’t mind the inclusion.

“It doesn’t really affect me if Hira is asexual in the novel. Seriously, who cares? She’s gonna be bi in my fanfics by default, anyway, because I’m gonna have her fuck all the other characters,” said a different Redditor.

As of press time, following widespread complaints online, Taylor announced that in the sequel to The Sorcerer of Lumsworth, Hira would still be asexual because that’s still the only well of knowledge available to Taylor.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News