Shrewd Businessman Scores Incredible Deal on 150,000 Crystals for Just $99.99

ARLINGTON, Texas — Local businessman Elmer Clarkson reportedly pulled off the deal of a lifetime, securing 150,000 crystals in the freemium game Heroes Saga for just $99.99.

“My heart was racing the whole time, I’ll admit, but it felt good to get this one in the books. 150,000 crystals for less than $100 is no small feat,” Clarkson revealed. “That’s 1,500 crystals per dollar, you see? Someone who’s not as business-savvy but wants to have 150,000 crystals would surely be suckered into buying 10,000 crystals for $9.99 fifteen times. That’s a classic rookie mistake for anyone playing Heroes Saga. Trust me, I have a business degree from the sixth best university in Texas, so I know how to count this stuff up.” 

When asked what he could do with the crystals, Clarkson’s eyes lit up.

“Buy the whole goddamn store worth of cosmetic items and skins,” Clarkson said. “This is premo stuff. They’re purely cosmetic — don’t affect gameplay one bit — but this stuff is top notch. I can’t resell any of it, but that doesn’t even matter, because what I can do is wear it on the battlefield. That’s huge.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the owners of Heroes Saga are scratching their heads trying to figure out how Clarkson was able to pull off such a crystal heist.

“When we included the option to buy so many crystals for $99.99, I guess we just never really thought someone would be bold enough to actually pull it off. Maybe that’s on us, though, for including that big flashing icon that said ‘BEST VALUE’ underneath the purchase button,” said Heroes Saga developer Yasmeen House. “I gotta hand it to him, he got us good. The production cost of each crystal is approximately $0, so he basically got infinite value out of the extra crystals he managed to pull in this deal. It’s gonna set us back for a while.”

At press time, Clarkson reportedly printed out an image of each of his 150,000 crystals to store in a safe in his apartment.

‘Conker’s Bad Fur Day’ Has Aged Terribly Because My Cartridge Broke

Whether you like it or not, some video games age badly. While many titles will stand the test of time, the 2001 Nintendo 64 game Conker’s Bad Fur Day has absolutely not, because my dog pissed all over my cartridge when I accidentally left it in the front yard.

Back in the day, I thought Conker’s gratuitous violence was perfectly fine. I mean, it looked rad as hell on my 26-inch CRTV when that dinosaur ripped that cuddly little critter in half, but today, in 2021, it just hits differently. Because of my dog’s pee, the screen is littered with random jaggies, and I can barely distinguish what is and what isn’t a fountain of totally rad gushing blood. And that’s just the beginning of the issues. I mean, Jugga’s J-Cup jugs are totally inappropriate nowadays, considering how they look like a watery kaleidoscope of mismatched pixels on my screen.

And don’t even get me started on the “jokes.” I remember 12-year-old me laughing hysterically at classic bits like Quentin the Cog moaning through an impeccable masturbation joke, and Jugga claiming Conker had a “bigger bone” than Buga the Knut. But those zingers are totally unfunny now, because the game sounds like a whirring buzzsaw of static. Again, probably due to my dog.

I’m evolved enough to know entertainment is often a product of its time and won’t necessarily hold up to modern scrutiny or my dog’s thick piss, but in the case of Conker’s Bad Fur Day, it’s just all too much. I refuse to play such a horribly aged game again until I can purchase a cartridge in better shape. That, or the urine fully dries out.

Al Yankovic Announces End of ‘Weird’ Phase

LOS ANGELES — Prolific musician Alfred Yankovic announced today that he is putting an end to his “weird” phase and moving in a new direction for the foreseeable future.

“I had a really long and prosperous career creating what you might call ‘weird’ music, but it’s time for me to move on. Under the ‘weird’ banner, my music spanned dozens of genres and styles, so it’s going to be interesting seeing that applied in a new way. From now on, I am only going to perform and release music under the moniker Regular Al,” Yankovic explained in a video released on his social media. “I don’t want to be weird anymore. I just want to be a regular guy making regular music.”

“And by the way, a lot of people say that my music was a parody of other songs. Not quite true. My art, like all good art, was inspired by other art. That’s really all there is to it,” Yankovic went on to say. “So yes, in a lot of ways, my music will still be inspired by other music. I’m working on a really great song right now called Haul Me With Your Crane that’s sort of a ballad about blue collar workers and definitely inspired by Lil Nas X’s Call Me By Your Name. But it’s not weird; it’s very regular, actually.”

Fans of the musician responded passionately to the video in both positive and negative manners.

“I love Al so much, I’ll listen to him no matter what adjectives before his name,” said Twitter user @phoebebridgesandtunnels82. “Honestly, I haven’t even heard most of the originals of his songs. I just go pure Al. I thought for decades that Eat It was just some goofy thing he made up. I don’t even get what Beat It means.”

“This is such fucking bullshit. If I want to listen to normie ‘regular’ music, I’ll listen to fucking anything on the radio,” said Redditor u/PM_ME_PICS_OF_GARFIELD. “There’s one thing that I like about Weird Al: it’s the fact that he’s fucking WEIRD. I wanna listen to WEIRD SHIT. I wanna listen to his songs and think ‘this guy is fucking INSANE, he must be TWISTED IN THE HEAD to come up with this WACKY-ASS song.’ If I can’t do that anymore, then I’m out. I’m fucking out!”

At press time, Yankovic surprise-released an entire two-hour-long noise album of just ambient sounds without any lyrics titled I Present To You My True And Actual Self, An Album By Regular Al.

Purist Gamer Enjoys Peace of Mind That Comes With Owning Real, Physical Copy of ‘Assassin’s Creed III’

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local gamer Patrice Whitman prefers the sense of security he gets from having a tangible, non-digital version of the 2012 video game Assassin’s Creed III.

“I don’t think I could get through the day if Assassin’s Creed III only existed on my storage drive or, heaven forbid, in the damn cloud. I get anxious just thinking about it,” said Whitman, who played the game for a total of four hours in early 2013. “Sometimes I go over to the bookshelf just to touch the disc and make sure it’s still there.”

In addition to the emotional benefits, Whitman also drew a sense of financial stability from having ownership of the game.

“People will just mindlessly download a game, or subscribe to Game Pass or whatever, with no awareness that they’re flushing money down the toilet. Not me,” said Whitman, who also owns physical copies of such classics as Watch Dogs: Legion and Star Wars: Battlefront II. “If I ever need some quick cash, I can head down to GameStop and get a solid $2.15 in store credit, on the spot. You just don’t get that benefit with digital games.”

Mental health professionals have endorsed game discs as a safe way to battle symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress in the modern world.

“Our economy gives consumers the illusion of control, while developing more and more effective ways to suck them dry—subscription models, debt, rental properties, etc. That’s why they end up clinging to meaningless crap, like DVD copies of the worst Assassin’s Creed game, just to pretend they have a speck of human dignity in a world that sees them as a dollar amount on a spreadsheet. Does it make a difference? Of course not,” said Dr. Cameron Dolan, professor of psychology at Stanford University. “But what the hell else are they supposed to do?”

At press time, Whitman had moved from his video game shelf to his CD shelf, to check on his pristine CD copy of Millenium by the Backstreet Boys.

Lavender Town Votes to Turn Down Sad, Creepy Music That Plays All Day and Night

LAVENDER TOWN, Kanto — After hours of arduous and divisive debate, the citizens of Lavender Town narrowly voted in favor of a measure to reduce the volume of the music that perpetually blares from the city’s PA system.

“It was time for a change,” said local Pokémon caretaker and flautist Mr. Fuji. “After the incident with Team Rocket, I came to the realization that maybe having a town whose identity is rooted entirely in the macabre was attracting the wrong element. Our droning, spooky town theme struck me as a sort of Siren’s Song for troublemakers.”

The resolution was already a product of compromise. Fuji had previously proposed changing the music altogether until early polling made it clear that that was a non-starter.

“I tried to convince people that our music could be upbeat and inviting to tourists. I’m from Cinnabar Island, where the tight, 50-second loop of music that never stops is at least pleasant,” said Fuji while tending to his Cubone. “But locals who have lived here their whole lives saw me as an outsider attacking their traditions. Ultimately, though, stagnating growth and tourism helped earn me the public’s support to at least take it down a notch.”

Many who opposed the motion cited the music’s tone as befitting the town, which is most notably home to the Pokémon Tower, a seven-story Pokémon mausoleum. Nevertheless, even those who voted against the measure had their own ideas for how the town might evolve.

“The music is just fine. If you ask me, it’s the name that needs to be changed,” said Name Rater, another prominent local. “The name ‘Lavender Town’ doesn’t really evoke the sense of oppressive dread that accompanies being surrounded by restless spirits, and that’s what makes this place feel like home. Our town’s deeply unsettling music captures that perfectly. That’s why I suggest we rename this place ‘The Spooky Zone.’”

Even with the music settled, the east Kanto town will not get a long reprieve from auditory controversy. Sources confirm that a radio company is in talks to acquire the iconic Pokémon Tower, drawing the ire of the Kanto Gastly Conservancy and potentially tastelessly displacing hundreds of gravesites of beloved Pokémon.

Gamer Still Thinks About NPC He Was Rude to 10 Years Ago

AURORA, Colo. — Local gamer Grayson Cash is reportedly still upset about an NPC he was rude to while playing Mass Effect 2 in 2011, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see that weird, disappointed frog-like krogan face. I’m so sorry, Grunt. I wish I could turn back time, but nothing makes this feel right,” Cash said, holding his face in his hands. “Game developers don’t realize the pain they bring to gamers when they give players a rude dialogue option while talking to nice NPCs. I’m a dark and brooding guy; I’m always gonna feel compelled to pick the edgy or sassy comments, regardless of how much it’s going to hurt me and the NPC both. I just wish I could stop myself. The years go by and it only gets harder.”

Despite Cash’s seeming concern for the NPC, those close to Cash wish he would move on from the botched in-game conversation.

“He still owes me $14 from when we saw Drive in theaters. But I guess that doesn’t matter to him because I’m not a bunch of fucking pixels,” said Cash’s longtime friend and roommate Selina Barlow. “I swear to God, the amount that he talks about the time he was rude to Grunt, you would think it’s his ex boyfriend or something. But he hasn’t dated anyone since a brief fling in 2013. He says he still isn’t ready for a relationship so intimate after ‘what happened.’ And yea, you guessed it, ‘what happened’ is when he was mean to Grunt.”

Cash, however, is determined to make things right.

“No matter how many times I play Mass Effect 2, changing my answer in that crucial dialogue option, I can’t help but shake the feeling that there’s nothing I can do to change history,” Cash explained. “But I know Grunt is in Mass Effect 3. I’ve just been too scared to give it a shot and see if I can make things right with him. That being said, I’m working with my therapist on a plan of action to see if maybe I can find a way to play the game and right my wrong within the next five years. We’re also working on figuring out why my friends all seem to be mad at me, but that’s much lower on the list.”

When reached for comment, Grunt said that he has already forgiven Cash, and yearns merely to satisfy his blood lust.

Vengeful Publicist Suggests Hot Ones

NEW YORK — After years of emotional abuse and humiliation from his client Timothée Chalamet, publicist Michael Stagg has reportedly booked the actor to guest on the popular YouTube interview show Hot Ones.

The suggestion came shortly after the young actor threw a hand-written leather bound manuscript of poems by Charles Bukowski at Stagg’s head, after the agent failed to get him booked on the Dick Cavett Show on account of it being off the air for several decades.

“I just had enough, you know,” said Stagg. “I’m 56 years old working my ass off for some little vampire creep who regularly goes on trips with my family without me and I just snapped. You always hear horror stories of other publicists being shit-canned because they booked their client on Hot Ones blind and the talent ended up puking or having the outer layer of their skin burst into flames with Da Bomb like Tom Hanks. Sounded like a win-win.”

Hot Ones, which has been streaming since 2015, is an interview show where host Sean Evans asks impressively researched questions to his guests while they both eat increasingly spicy chicken wings intended to ruin the guest’s entire fucking week.

“If there’s two things I love, it’s talking to interesting people and posting videos of celebrities having panic attacks on YouTube,” Evans said while washing a load of several white hoodies and jean jackets. “When I heard Timothée Chalamet’s publicist hated him so much, I just had to reach out. Getting the opportunity to hospitalize him with The Last Dab is a dream come true.”

Asked if he had ever heard of the hit YouTube show, Chalamet simply asked, “Have you ever heard a chrysanthemum cry in the dark for the flowers that came before?” and then dissolved into the ether as if he were a phantom.

Gamer at Massage Parlor Can’t Seem to Unlock Happy Ending

DALLAS — Video game enthusiast Tommy Meyers was reportedly frustrated today when he couldn’t seem to unlock the happy ending for the Royal Day Massage Parlor and Spa after receiving a deep tissue massage.

“I can never seem to unlock the happy ending. This shit is too difficult!” Meyers said. “I’ve tried all sorts of dialogue choices, Good Samaritan runs, and walkthroughs, but I can’t get it right. No matter what I try, I always end up with the bad ending, which is obviously no fun at all. A couple of times I got close to the happy ending, but all I did was unlock something I call the friction ending.”

The Royal Day Massage Parlor and Spa head manager Robert Friedland commented on how the parlor was designed to be difficult.

“When I created this massage parlor I always liked the idea of people getting different branching paths depending on their choices,” Friedland said. “I’ve seen some happy runs, bad runs, sad runs, but I’m just really hoping nobody tries a genocide run of their massage.”

The masseuse Meyers regularly books, Brittany Meadows, spoke in regards to Meyers’ goals for future runs.

“I’m not jerking this creep off,” Meadows said. “If that’s the bad ending, then so be it. For me it’s the ‘getting paid at my job’ ending and it’s the exclusive ending for me. Don’t bring morality into it, there’s no system here that leads to anything but that.” 

At press time, Meyers said he is looking forward to future runs, and that if he ever does unlock the happy ending, he will try to speedrun it.

Man Grows Concerned After Tarot Card Reader Pulls Out Bag of Damage Counters

ANTONIO BAY, Calif. — Local man Jay McCarrol experienced a deep sense of dread this week as a fortune teller performing his tarot reading reached for a large bag of damage counters and began doling them out liberally, according to those close to the situation.

“I swear everything was going fine,” protested a panicked McCarrol outside of the establishment. “She pulled The Empress, The King of Pentacles, and then this bullshit called ‘Winter Orb’ or something? Then out comes this little velvet bag full of poker chips with fucking skulls on them. When was the last time the newspaper horoscope dealt you quantifiable damage?”

The business’s sole proprietor, Ignea Planeswalker, assured McCarrol that he had little to be concerned with.

“They’re constantly updating how these things work anyway,” Planeswalker said as she resleeved her deck. “Give it three months and everything I pulled is gonna end up voided, it’ll all cancel out. Assuming he doesn’t end up incarcerated or singed in a mysterious house fire before then.”

Planeswalker was also openly critical of McCarrol’s approach to the reading.

“The powers that be don’t play comic shop Friday night friendlies. The stars aren’t concerned with your bootleg Black Lotus, this is your future,” she scoffed, adjusting the waist of her sweatpants. “This guy should consider himself lucky I didn’t pull Sol Ring. It would’ve been Mana Vault, Mana Crypt, and boom — he’s drowning in run-ins with past lovers and piss-scared of the number 7.”

At press time, it was revealed that McCarrol’s fate was ultimately overruled as further inspection of the deck revealed her next three hands would have contained Invoke Prejudice. When reached for comment on the illegal cards, Planeswalker claimed she just thought the art was cool.

In Memoriam: Honoring Those Who Still Haven’t Returned From Escape Rooms

Escape rooms can be a blast. Getting together with friends and family to enter a real life puzzle-solving experience, working to accomplish solvable tasks and figuring out clues, is a great way to form bonds and generate outside of the box thinking in a fun way. But what about all of the people who never escape the room? Today, we want to honor all of those who are still trapped in escape rooms and those who have tragically perished trying to find their way out.

Despite the fact that many escape rooms can be solved in just 45-60 minutes, experts have estimated that roughly 17% of all escape rooms go unsolved by those within them. Considering that most tens of thousands of room escapes are attempted each year, each with two to ten players on average, that means roughly thousands of aspiring escapists die each year trying to solve puzzles before they run out of air in the room.

“It’s truly a devastating statistic once you look at the numbers,” said escape room analyst Jeremiah Hays. “Heart disease and car accidents are the two leading causes of deaths in the United States, but failing to find your way out of an escape room is number three, and many people either don’t know about it or choose to not pay attention. And I worry that, as escape rooms grow in popularity, the number of deaths is only going to climb over the next few decades.”

So what can be done about this growing crisis? According to Hays, we need comprehensive changes to the ways that escape rooms operate.

“First and foremost, some escape rooms are simply too difficult. I understand that they pose a challenge to extreme escape roomers, but I think we can all agree that escape rooms can be, on average, a little bit easier if it saves lives,” Hays explained. “But I also think that we can overhaul the hint system to help those who are about to be in a crisis situation. Many escape rooms currently offer no hints to players at all, and I have personally spoken with President Biden about signing an executive order to make this illegal. Escape rooms need to be proactive about making sure that people are able to escape their rooms; lack of good hints — ones that give players a new perspective on a puzzle without outright solving it for them — are a major safety issue.”

“But we also need to win the war on information,” Hays added. “I’ve seen some of my colleagues advocate for letting players out of the room if they don’t solve the puzzles. I think that’s disgusting.”

Hopefully we can overcome our differences and sheed light on this horrible issue. Until then, we honor all of those who have suffocated to death because they were too dumb to escape rooms all around the world. God bless you all.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.