Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Cain Swears He Was Just Checking to See If Friendly Fire Was On

Posted on July 9, 2021 by Camden Brazile

EAST OF EDEN — Son of Adam and Eve and one of the only four people alive, Cain, was caught bashing his brother Abel with a boulder this morning. While Cain is under investigation for a motive, he swears he was just checking to see if friendly fire was on.

“How the hell am I supposed to know?” Cain said. “I’m still not sure how this whole life thing works. My dad is literally 900 years old, and all he ever does is sit around and eat fruit. I wanted to see if there was even a way out of this thing.”

Cain’s mother Eve commented about her son’s actions and what they mean for the future.

“Dude, I got banished from paradise for eating a fruit, I can’t imagine the Mod is gonna let this shit slide,” Eve said. “I mean now we know, friendly fire is on in this world, but I just think maybe he could’ve checked with something other than a massive boulder. Because now we’ve lost a full 25% of our player-base.”

Adam, the party leader of the world so far, gave his opinion on the first murder.

“God has been pretty clear that he hates RDMing,” Adam said. “Even I have to admit, though, it was a pretty sick headshot. I just hope he doesn’t try and start a streak or anything, because this was supposed to be a peaceful server. But I’m sure that now we know the consequences, this will be the last murder that Earth has to endure.”

At press time, the family launched a vote kick to see if they would let Cain stay, and God revealed to the group that unfortunately this world has no respawns.

You’re Going to Buy It Anyway, Aren’t You, You Greedy Little Piggy?

Posted on July 9, 2021 by Ben Doyle

C’mon, tell me I’m a bad company. Oh, I’ve been so bad.

Go on, tweet those before and after pictures of Alex Jones. Label them Nintendo Switch and Nintendo Switch OLED model. Yeah baby, tweet them out just like that. Tell me how you’re never going to buy my Nintendo Switch OLED model, you insatiable little hog. You’re already using the correct terminology.

Mmm, baby… I love it when you make those baseless claims about antitrust laws. Do you even know what antitrust laws are? Shh, don’t Google them. You don’t need to know. You’re just daddy’s extremely-online marketing strategy. I bet this console violates all sorts of your little made up laws. It’s downright criminal. Are you quivering with rage? Or is that pleasure?

Keep tweeting, baby. Tell me I’m just like Apple, the most valuable company on earth. It hurts so good.

That’s right, ask me whether I’m going to sell the white joy cons separately. Concede that they’re “pretty clean,” you thirsty little plastic-guzzler. I’m not going to respond. But baby, just know this: you’ll be able to get them imported from Japan in two years for $159.99. Oh yeah, it’s extremely unreasonable.

I can see that glint in your eyes: you’re reading a CNET article from 2007 about OLED burn-in. C’mon, tag me in a tweet about it. Call it “outdated technology,” you ditsy screen-slut. With every word you type, I know you’re imagining my whopping 7-inches of Breath of the Wild — that’s right, 0.4 more inches than you’ve ever seen. We both know it’s only a matter of time, baby.

Go ahead and preorder here. You don’t even get anything.

Forgotten Games Store App Works Up Courage to Open on Restarted Laptop

Posted on July 9, 2021 by Beck Barnes

FRESNO, Calif. — Upon the accidental and abrupt restart of a laptop this morning, sources have confirmed that EA’s Origin game launcher client is currently trying to summon up the courage to ask its user to launch it.

“Okay, Origin, you can do this. You can play great games like Apex Legends or FIFA, and anyone would love to launch you from their start menu,” the piece of software said, nervously amping itself up to get over the fear of being rejected by the laptop’s user. “So what if there are fancy new game launchers going into open beta every week that will soon render you obsolete? So what if those bullies Steam and Epic are going to try and muscle in and auto-launch on start? You’ve talked about this in therapy so many times, and you’ve done the visualization exercises. This is your moment! Just ask them to log in to Origin! What’s the worst that can happen?”

“You just need to find an in! Something casual, laden with nostalgia…’Hey, want to check out Sims 4 again after four years? There’s L-couches now!’ No, that’s stupid. Oh god, I’m going to have to ask to get updated to my latest version, too, aren’t I?” The installer smacked itself several times in the forehead before trying to come up with a different approach, “Hey, remember Rocket League? Wait, do I even have access to Rocket League? Shit!”

“No, this is getting ridiculous,” Origin finally said with renewed courage. “McAfee has been literally begging for a membership renewal every couple of days since the trial that came with the computer ran out, like, three years ago. I’m not pathetic like McAfee, goddamn it! I’m a games installer, and maybe someone just needs a reminder that I have games!”

At press time, the Origin launcher was reportedly in the midst of a panic attack after being opened by the laptop’s user only to be stuck in offline mode.

Drunk Rayman Tells Bartender That He Used to Be Friends with the Rabbids

Posted on July 9, 2021 by Joe Tilleli

PICTURE CITY — A heavily intoxicated Rayman was arrested outside a bar after aggressively disrupting restaurant patrons with stories of how he and the Rabbids go way back, sources confirm.

“He just kept going on and on about these Minions or whatever. It was a busy afternoon so I couldn’t really pay much attention,” said the bartender working at the time of the incident. “We had that video game conference on one of the TVs. Once Nintendo made some announcement, this dude immediately got belligerent. He started running around the restaurant while our bouncer chased after him. I never saw someone move like that. Oddly enough, his evasive maneuvers were almost in rhythm to the song Black Betty which had been playing over the speakers.”

When news first broke, those close to Rayman came forward to speak on the matter.

“These past few years have been very difficult for Ray and he’s been on edge lately,” said best friend and giant blue frog-thing, Globox. “He’s been rumored to join the Smash Bros. roster for a while now, but the letter still hasn’t come. I’m not sure it ever will. He’s right, you know, about the Rabbids getting their start with him. It’s upsetting that the media still tries to paint Rayman as the villain especially considering the Rabbids were that game’s actual villains from the start. But now I guess no one cares because they’re friends with that Mario piece of shit.”

Rabbid Peach expressed her thoughts on the matter in a Twitter thread.

“BWAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!!!! BWAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!! BWAAAAAAAGHH BWAAAAAAAAGHHH BWAAAAAAAAGH BWAGH!!! BWAGH BWAGH BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (1/?)”

At press time, Mario declined a request to be interviewed, having only replied, “I don’t know who that is.”

Microsoft Pulls Commercial That Accidentally Shows Inside-Out Xbox

Posted on July 9, 2021 by Andy Holt

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft posted and immediately removed an Xbox Series X advertisement this morning, after fans noticed the video accidentally depicted the console in “inside-out” position.

“For maximum performance and safety, Xbox consoles should always be positioned on their bottom or their side. We do not endorse ripping the outside panels off with a crow bar and kicking the innards all over your floor,” Microsoft wrote in a press release admitting blame. “We apologize for any confusion this commercial may have caused.”

In the brief time the video was live, thousands of eagle-eyed commenters pointed out the error.

“Lol dude are y’all seeing what I’m seeing??? This is classic,” wrote YouTube commenter T3mpLrKnite, along with a crying emoji. “Some intern is gonna be in big trouble.”

Some critics went further, claiming the mistake confirmed that Microsoft had lost touch with the gaming community.

“It might be invisible to non-gamers, but as someone who actually owns and plays an Xbox, I noticed that fuck-up right away. It stuck out like a sore thumb,” wrote blogger Martin Sutherland. “If they had a single real gamer on set that day, this never would have happened.”

By press time, the story was already being eclipsed by a similar mistake from Nintendo, which accidentally showed a Nintendo Switch imploded into a single point in space.

Rockstar Confirms Director of GTA 6 Hasn’t Even Been Born Yet

Posted on July 8, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Rockstar Games revealed that while the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto 6 is definitely happening, the title’s creative director hasn’t even been born yet, let alone entered the gaming industry.

“You guys are just going to have to recalibrate your expectations,” said Sam Houser, president of Rockstar Games, on a recent call with reporters. “Of course everyone wants the game as soon as we can finish it, but we also have to make sure that it is bursting with fresh innovations and youthful energy. That’s why we firmly believe that the right person to lead this project hasn’t even been born yet. Maybe soon, we don’t know!”

The news sent shockwaves through the online gaming world.

“Wow man, I knew we’d have to wait a while, but I didn’t think it was like this,” said Benjamin Cross, an avid gamer and longtime fan of the lucrative franchise. “Did they say if the mom is at least pregnant yet or anything? I mean, geez. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to take as long as they need to make a great game, but I was over here hoping the director of it was born and everything already. Damn.”

The reports were released after recent online leaks that indicated Grand Theft Auto 6 was in the earliest stages of development, which is more than can be said of the project’s inevitable leader.

“All of this information lines up with previous leaks I’ve heard from sources,” said Jason Schreier, author and games journalist. “A few pieces of information keep coming up in these rumors, like an evolving map, a playable female character, and Vice City being included in some way. This all feels like solid intel to me, and as such, I’m forced to believe that speculated release date of 2049.”

Houser completed his call with reporters by stating that odds are good you won’t even care about video games anymore by the time Grand Theft Auto 6 comes out. Or you’ll be dead.

Disciple Feels Like Jesus Could Have at Least Sealed Away His Power in Some Kind of Sword or Something

Posted on July 8, 2021 by Christoph von Münchow

JERUSALEM — Local unemployed man and follower of Jesus of Nazareth, Thomas the Apostle, revealed his disappointment following the crucifixion of his leader this past Friday, insisting the messianic figure could have at least enchanted a weapon or something before he died.

“It’s weird, man. Jesus had been telling us for months that he would be killed by one of his own and then come back from the dead. But I was kind of hoping something cool would happen after they took his body down from the cross,” Thomas admitted after Roman guards had placed Christ’s body in a sealed tomb. “If you ask me, I think it would’ve been pretty badass if there had been a sword or something placed at the site of his crucifixion. And then like, whoever picks it up would bring him back or become the next Jesus or whatever. To follow the story of a second character would have been tight as hell.”

The disciple went on to describe other letdowns from his teacher throughout their travels across the Holy Land.

“What Jesus mostly did around Galilee was turn-based. He would perform a miracle, then make a speech, then we would flee from the enemy guards. Pretty simple stuff,” Thomas recalled. “We were in Bethesda, and we didn’t even get to perform any real-time combat. We just healed some guy. No exclusive item or secret area revealed as a reward either. Just another standard objective for us.”

In addition to the magic sword, Thomas revealed further predictions and a personal wishlist for the recently announced Second Coming of Christ.

“With this second installment, a lot of us are hoping for some more dynamic elements. A lot of the strategy seems to be contrived, so something more robust and faster-paced would be nice. I dunno, kind of something you’d see in Xenoblade Chronicles 2. Also the environments are pretty barren around here, and I’d personally love it if we got to explore some new locations outside the Levant. So maybe even include a westward expansion.”

When the Resurrection launched two days later, Thomas complained that the event was still not up to his expectations, but that he would be fine with waiting another few millennia to see if any later patches would be added.

New Edition of Catan Replaces Rulebook With Friend Who’s Played Before

Posted on July 8, 2021 by Gabe Porter

BREUBERG, Germany — Settlers of Catan designer Klaus Teuber announced a new version of his acclaimed board game that replaces the standard rulebook with a friend who already knows how to play.

“It only made sense for us to do an expansion pack with a knowledgeable friend. Has anyone actually sat down and tried to read that manual?” Teuber said. “I want people to experience this game how it was meant to be, with someone else digesting the novella of a rulebook and spitting out only the really useful bits. This will also help the environment because there are so many rules to Catan means that not printing them will literally save entire forests.”

Board game fans who have heard of Catan but previously avoided it due to complexity say they are excited to finally be able to dig into the famed game.

“Catan always intimidated me. The rulebook was also impenetrable, it felt like I was trying to figure out how to diffuse a bomb with help from Thomas Pynchon,” Humbert Walters, a board game fanatic, said. “Every time my friends tried to play it would end in a shouting match about how to interpret some arcane clause. So now I’m very glad to finally dive into the game the way God intended: with all of my friends yelling together at the one person who’s forced to interpret the rules for us.”

Those hired by Catan to become a walking, talking set of guidelines are more than thrilled for the opportunity.

“This job is hard. I need to know the rules inside and out, know each possible outcome in the game and have an answer prepared,” said Johnny Tarpal, one of the game experts hired to be packaged inside of new deluxe editions of Catan. “But knowing that I can help a room full of friends understand what kinds of resource trades are allowed makes it all worth it. Wait, I just got a text asking about how to build a settlement.” After a few moments of silence, Tarpal began again, “Fuck, I gotta look this up.”

At press time, Tebuer said he was also considering a deluxe re-release of Catan’s Explorers and Pirates expansion that would come packaged with a friend who’s actually interested in trying that out.

Man Working Remotely Drives Somewhere, Anywhere, Just to Listen to Podcast

Posted on July 8, 2021 by Jimmy Beliakoff

RENO, Nev. — Local remote worker Jeremiah Hills reportedly got into his car late last night and drove as far as he could, just so that he could listen to the newest episode of his favorite podcast, The Bing Bong Boys.

“I just feel lost, like I’m totally directionless right now. Ever since my job made me become a remote worker last year due to the pandemic, I haven’t had a second to listen to podcasts. Without commutes, I have space in my life for podcasting. I’m an empty shell of a man,” Hills reportedly mumbled to himself, while pacing around his apartment earlier today. “So I got into my car and I just drove. Didn’t matter where I was going or how fast I was driving, I just let myself fall into the blackness of night. All so I could listen to the full two hour episode of The Bing Bong Boys that people on Reddit were saying was especially funny.”

According to Steffan Barker, one of the hosts of the popular Bing Bong Boys podcast, this is not the first time they’ve heard a fan drive aimlessly to hear their podcast.

“Ever since the pandemic hit, we’ve actually had a lot of listeners email us to say that they now exclusively listen to our podcast on long drives through the night without destination. I think roughly 42% of our fanbase listens to our podcast with tears streaming down their face, speeding down the highway at the darkest hour of the night,” Barker said. “I guess they’re just trying to blow off steam, but it doesn’t really sound like the best environment for our podcast. Like all we really do on our podcast is read news about the new DC and Marvel movies and then giggle at fart noises. But hey a download is a download.”

At press time, Hills was luckily unharmed after getting into a massive six car pile up in the middle of the night after hitting another driver listening to My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

Here’s All the Employees Netflix Is Letting Go This Month

Posted on July 8, 2021 by Camden Brazile

Netflix has a HUGE month planned for subscribers, with new movies and television shows including a whole slate of original content! Unfortunately, it also has a huge month planned for employees, with new layoffs, firings, and revoked pensions. Here’s all the employees Netflix is letting go this month. Make sure to get a good look at them before they’re gone in August!

Hebert Shizlet — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Sat on his chair too hard and broke it
Michael Coffee — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Brought soup for lunch, but didn’t bring enough for the whole office.
Lisa Subaru — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Her name sounds like “Lease a Subaru”
Sherry Richardson — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Dead
Winston Eggles — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Killed Sherry Richardson
Kevin Brownlee — REASON FOR TERMINATION: None. Guy’s a total boy scout. Not sure why he’s on this list but oh well
Josh Duhamel — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Star of Jupiter’s Legacy
Caroline Germano — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Drinks water from one of those protein shaker water bottles
Addison Jacobi — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Made a Borat reference
Samuel Jenkins — REASON FOR TERMINATION: Doesn’t like La La Land
Mark Bittini — REASON FOR TERMINATION: We already have someone named Mark
Mark De Costa — REASON FOR TERMINATION: We already have someone named Mark

If you see your name on this list, we’re sorry we had to tell you this way. Please clear out your desk and report to Patty in HR. Also Patty, you’re fired.

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