If You Only Play One Game This Year, C’monnnnnn…Play Some More Games!

Stop everything that you are doing right now, and run, do not walk, to your local game store. This game could be the definitive video game of your generation. Or so could this one. Or maybe also this one. This one over here looks pretty good too. If you only play one game this year, c’monnnnn…play some more games!

You’re really planning to just play that one game this entire year? Think of all the huge releases that are coming! Break out that wallet and dive into some more video games already. Sure, this game is pretty good I’ll admit it, but there’s also a lot of other games you should buy. 

Look pal, if you don’t do it for yourself, do it for me. You think I could tell you to buy just one game this whole year? No! Buy all of these games, please. I’m begging you. The video game business isn’t what it used to be. Okay, sure, if anything it’s way better, but we just aren’t satisfied with some of your hard-earned money anymore. If you only play one game this year, I guess that’s fine. Then at the very least give us all of your money for nothing in return. 

I know your kid needs new shoes, but there’s a new Call of Duty coming out. You need knee surgery? Did you even see that latest Halo trailer? Just sit on the couch, tune out your children, and lose yourself in the euphoria of spending all your money on distractions that you don’t need.

Our game of the year for 2021? All of them!!!!

Gamer Backtracks Through Childhood Experiences to Find Nostalgia for Metroid Game

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — Local gamer Libbi Fisher is reportedly backtracking through the corridors of her childhood to find the nostalgia she has for the Metroid franchise before the upcoming Metroid Dread releases.

“I love the Metroid games! Or, at least, I’m pretty sure there was some love for the Metroid games around here somewhere. I can never be sure, but this whole area of my brain just feels like I’m gonna find some nostalgia somewhere,” Fisher said to friends following Nintendo’s Metroid Dread announcement. “Sometimes it can get kind of tricky because I can lose track of where I am and then I’m not sure if I’m going through a childhood memory or just something completely new that I’ve never seen before in my life. I wish this place had a map.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Fisher’s friends are more into different Metroidvania games.

“Metroid seems cool, but I need some quality of life upgrades to enjoy those kinds of games. That’s why I’ve been digging through my memory to see if I like Hollow Knight or just the art style,” said Fisher’s roommate Donald Sitrick. “I wanna find it, but man is it hard! I guess I gotta just keep practicing and trying again and again.”

At press time, Fisher was unable to locate any nostalgia for the Metroid series in her childhood, but did find an upgrade that allows her to perform a Screw Attack.

Proud Raspberry Pi Owner Has Played Five Minutes of Every Video Game

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local gamer and Raspberry Pi owner Wesley Hughes has reportedly played five minutes of every single video game, according to close sources and everyone he has ever spoken to.

“Not really sure why there needs to be an article about this considering Wesley has told literally every person he has ever met about the fact that he set up a Raspberry Pi and downloaded every game onto it,” said Hughes’ cubicle-mate Edwin O’Brien. “But yea, it’s true. Any game you can think of, Wes has played it. He’s played exactly five minutes of it, which, according to him, is the minimum amount of time required to form an opinion on a video game. I don’t think he has played a single game for more than five minutes, though. If anything, he is probably more of a character-creator and tutorial-finisher than a gamer, but ever since I met Wes, I’ve learned not to be so judgmental.”

Hughes, however, insists that he is “perhaps the only true gamer on the planet.”

“I’m not sure if you can call yourself a gamer if you haven’t played every single game. You can say you play some video games, sure. But you can’t really form an opinion on  video games until you’ve played every one — for at least five minutes each,” Hughes said. “I’ve played every game. Have I told you that? Every one of them is right here on my Raspberry Pi, which, by the way, I programmed myself. Anyone can do it, it’s actually quite easy. Well it’s not easy. Actually it’s very hard to do. Very few people could pull it off, but I was able to do it. I guess that’s what makes me a real gamer.”

When asked what his favorite video game was, Hughes looked back blankly for several minutes before walking away.

Guy Who Insta-Locked Valorant Character Better Fucking Crush It

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Players in a recent ranked match of Valorant exclaimed that their random teammate who insta-locked Jett, the most popular character in the game, better be fucking good at it, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I wanted to play Jett, so this guy better fucking absolutely crush it,” said teammate Gabe Hannon. “I checked out his profile to see if he plays a lot, but it’s all in Russian, which either means he’s crazy good or crazy terrible. He’s not on mic, he’s not in the chat, but somehow he’s the highest ranked player in the whole match. No skins, all default weapons and cosmetics, and he stands motionless in the game until the match starts. Good or bad, this guy terrifies me.”

Another teammate, Michael Adoma, also voiced suspicion about the character pick.

“He has 400 ping currently, but somehow he picked his character within a microsecond of the match starting,” Adoma said. “His profile says he has tens of thousands of hours of playtime, but less than an hour on the character he chose. This guy is a total mixed bag. I ran his gamer tag through all the websites and leaderboards and there were zero results, there’s no proof of him existing anywhere. As everyone knows this means either he’s a total beginner player or he’s some mythical deity who exists only to play valorant. ”

The player in question, known only by his gamer tag “Кровавый пастух” which roughly translates to “Blood Shepard,” got on mic only one time to quell his teammates’ concerns with this comment: “I break the red men.”

Gamer Trying to Name Child After Video Game Character Without Spouse Figuring It Out

CINCINNATI, Ohio — Local gamer Alan Roberts has been trying to covertly name his upcoming child after any video game character.

“Video games are one of — if not the most — important things in my life, but I know how my wife would react to me naming our child after my favorite media properties,” Roberts said. “So I’ve been trying to secretly suggest names that could or could not be references to games. It’s actually genius, and no one could ever figure it out. I’ve suggested names like Lucas, Isaac, Lara, Claire, Mario, Kratos, the list goes on. With each name, I’m getting closer to finding one that she’ll agree to, unsuspectingly, finally allowing me to express my love for games through our only child.”

“I almost convinced her for a minute that Tifa was my beloved great grandmother’s name,” he added. “But she looked it up.”

Roberts’s wife says she has actually known of this scheme for a long time.

“Oh, I definitely know what he’s been trying to do,” Roberts’s wife Blaire said. “He would suggest something normal like Joel right after talking to me about The Last of Us. I’ve also seen searches in his browser history for video games that star characters with normal names. Which is strange, because he still pitched ‘Papyrus’ as an option after that. He’s a big fan of video games but I don’t know if I want my child named after some fictional character made up to sell something. It should be something religious instead.”

Experts say these kinds of disputes are all-too-common for expecting parents.

“I’ve heard of and seen myself several instances where one parent is trying to name their child after something that the other objects to,” said Dr. Lang, an obstetrician at Good Samaritan hospital. “One such couple had a wife who insisted their child be named Naruto, or Goku. Usually, these conflicts are solved by the time the child is actually born after one side tires the other one out.”

At press time the couple had decided on a compromise, and Jonas Sonic The Hedgehog Roberts is expected to arrive this September.

Libertarian Dragon Ball Character Refuses to Contribute Energy Toward Spirit Bomb

KORIN’S TOWER, Earth — Yajirobe, a libertarian member of Earth’s Special Forces, is reportedly refusing to donate any of his spiritual energy to the spirit bomb currently being generated by the hero Goku, according to sources.

“Good? Evil? In my opinion, both sides are bad,” said the pudgy ronin as he ate a hunk of meat with the bone still in it. “Kid Buu is clearly some kind of inhuman monster, but Goku isn’t so great either. He’s a deadbeat dad who doesn’t earn any money and he’ll leave his wife and kids at any moment to go fight strange men. So why should I give him any of my precious Ki? I need my Ki to keep my strength up so I can eat food. Anyone who gets in the way of me living my life is no friend of mine.”

Korin, Yajirobe’s boss who happens to be a large talking cat, isn’t allowed to push his leftist views on employees according to HR standards in the Dragon Ball universe.

“It makes me sad to see today’s youth so politically inactive,” said Korin, Yajirobe’s boss, who happens to be an 800-year old large talking cat. “We have an extinction-level battle going on between good and evil every damn month, but Yajirobe hardly ever helps. He told me the Senzu Beans I asked him to deliver to heal Earth’s Special Forces are a form of welfare and that if anyone needs a Senzu Bean, they should climb Korin’s Tower on their own. Yajirobe told me he objects to Senzu Bean handouts philosophically, but I don’t see him refusing the free room and board I give him. He’s just a lazy bastard who’s full of shit.”

Goku, earth’s greatest protector, is currently collecting Ki from the world in a collectivist act to defeat the evil Kid Buu and says he doesn’t appreciate the protest.

“I don’t understand politics, but I think there are some things that are simply right and wrong. Helping people who are in need is right. Letting a friend stand around completely defenseless as he collects Ki to defeat an evil monster is wrong,” said Goku, a man who was once quite literally confirmed to be pure of heart by the Flying Nimbus. “Someone on this planet is holding out on me, I can feel it. It’s that damn Yajirobe again, isn’t it?” said Goku as he weathered another pink laser beam Kid Buu shot out of his mouth.

At press time, Yajirobe was last seen eating rice balls shaped like triangles while watching South Park.

We Asked an AI to Watch 1,000 Hours of Classic Cinema and It Told Us, “Thanks! I Will Add It to the List Haha”

AI technology is constantly improving and it can even be kind of freaky seeing all of the cool things that computers can spit out with just a few inputs. From creating surreal paintings, to writing entire commercial scripts for products that don’t exist, it’s fascinating to see our own creations reflected back at us through the power of machine learning.

We wanted to see what an AI would give us if we had it run through 1,000 hours of classic films from the Criterion Collection and write its own movie script and the results were pretty fascinating.

After inputting the list of movies and scenes for the AI to watch, it immediately spit out this result:

Thanks! I will add it to the list haha

So there you have it! 1,000 hours of classic cinema filtered through the mind of artificial intelligence. 

First of all, it’s pretty amazing how quickly the AI was able to mull over all this data. Generally, it takes a lot of computing power to run through all of this information for an AI. We figured it would have to go through the 1,000 hours in real time and that we wouldn’t get a result for a month and a half. However, the AI blew our minds and spit out this result in just 15 seconds.

We spoke to film professor Hester Simmons at New York University to get a sense of what the script means.

“It’s a very interesting result to analyze, but it makes perfect sense if you’ve studied classic cinema,” Simmons said. “I’m not surprised that the first result is ‘thanks.’ Classic films are known for their kindness, and I think many modern films are far too cruel and unnecessarily grim. I would have guessed, actually, that the first word would be ‘thanks’ due to the sheer amount of gratitude in traditional cinema. Also the ‘list’ in the second part of the script is a clear reference to Schindler’s List. For any more analysis, I advise you to take my course at NYU.”

Well that makes perfect sense to us! Tune in for our next article where we beg an AI to read just one manga that we really like.

Review: Black Widow Will Satisfy Longtime Fans of Disney’s Q3 Earnings

After a year-long hiatus, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is back in theaters much to the delight of fans of Disney’s quarterly earnings.

The 24th film in the long-running Marvel franchise crackles on the big screen in the board room at Disney’s corporate office, with visuals on display that are truly a sight to behold. Fans of the corporation will especially love the big green arrow on screen, growing taller than Ant Man at the end of Captain America: Civil War, and towering over the projected earnings for other films released the same weekend. 

Even if you aren’t currently invested in Marvel, this film will sway you to at least consider buying a stock or two. Scarlett Johansson is absolutely riveting as a strong female lead that appeals to several key demographics: 13-24 year old females who identify with a woman overcoming every obstacle in her way to achieve her goals, 25+ year old women who have money and think Disney cares about them, and 13-64 year old males who are horny and awful.

Black Widow isn’t alone in her adventure, this time, however! She’s joined by an incredible cast of recognizable faces that will make people’s lizard brain say stuff like:

“That person is good so this must be good too!”

“David Harbour seems like a guy I could share a Corona® Hard Seltzer with!”

“Rachel Weisz is in this?! I love Daniel Craig!”

“I need to find out who Florence Pugh is so I don’t feel like an idiot next time I watch Jimmy Kimmel!”

They team faces off against the evil Taskmaster, whose sinister presence on screen will easily translate to action figure sales. Nerds love putting cool plastic guys on their work desks!

Be sure to see this movie as soon as you can so Marvel’s profits stay larger than DC’s profits!

Someone Called Me an Idiot Online: How Did They Know?

There I was, just sitting around minding my own business on a normal day like any other, when suddenly I heard the ding of a Twitter notification. Someone named “bonerphone1995” just commented under my latest tweet with these words: “You’re an idiot.” This brings up a very important question that I need to find the answer to: How did he know?

How did he know that I’m an idiot? This guy seems to have been born in 1995, or else that was just a year that he really liked. Could that be it? Is he smarter than me because he’s older than me? Or can even 26-year olds tell how much of an idiot I really am? I had to know, so I talked to my stupid friends to get some answers.

“Yeah, you’re pretty stupid,” says my dumb childhood friend Arnie Stanton. “But what are the chances that that guy is just as much of an idiot as you? I mean, the chances of that have to be at least like 12/10%. And if he’s an idiot, that diminishes his opinion that you’re an idiot. But then I guess you could argue that it takes an idiot to know an idiot. Hang on, I gotta write this down.”

After Arnie went off to work on his theory, I sent bonerphone1995 a DM to try and get to the bottom of things. It simply said, “How did you know?” I am currently waiting for his response. I check his Twitter daily, and he is very active, so he either hasn’t seen my message yet or is ignoring me. He mainly tweets about going to eat lunch, retweets from a Ruth Bader Ginsberg fan account as if he thinks it’s her, and likes porn gifs. It has been five months since I sent the DM, so hopefully he sees it soon.

In the meantime, if you’re reading this, please don’t tweet about how I’m an idiot. I don’t know how the secret got out, but at this point I’m pretty much in damage control mode, and I would appreciate no one else saying it. Thank you.

How, I Dunno, the Fuckin Numa Numa Guy Led to the Formation of the Alt-Right

As the world plunges into the depths of irreversible climate change, protests against police violence break out across our country, politicians collect paychecks instead of making any sort of action, it’s more important now than ever to look at the rise of the far right population in the United States and ask ourselves: which piece of media from the early 2000s can we pin on this?

Well today we spent a few minutes coming up with some different contenders and decided to land on the Numa Numa guy from those old videos. That guy is the newest explanation for the rise of fascism in the U.S. We’re going with the fucking Numa Numa guy for today.

For those who don’t know, the “Numa Numa Dance” video was one uploaded to the internet by vlogger Gary Brolsma dancing to the song Dragostea Din Tei by O-Zone. A nerdy and chubby man, the video skyrocketed to success and became one of the first-ever viral internet memes.

But what if there was a darker side?

What if, after the viral success of the Numa Numa guy, the incels (don’t really know what this word means, to be honest) found solace in a new sort of icon? What if, realizing that their kind could find mainstream virality, they started forming groups on The Dark Web (also not really sure what this means) and began discussing their ideas? What if these incel ideas, circling in the drain pit of the internet, started getting worse and worse? What if these fans started calling themselves Numa Numa Guys (there is no evidence of this, as far we know)? Sure, it’s in another language, but what if the lyric that sounds like “numa numa yea” was a reference to politicians voting “yea” for dangerous far-right policies? What if the Numa Numa Guys sought to promote Donald Trump’s presidential bid in an attempt to further advance the ideology of the Numa Numa Dance video, which we now understand to be synonymous with fascism? Doesn’t “Numa Numa Guys” sort of remind you of the term “Proud Boys”? What if all of our problems and fears stem from this one 2004 viral video? Isn’t it nice to think that it could all be so simple?

That would be pretty fucked up, if true. And while there isn’t really anything that points to it being the case as of now, we’re looking to see if we can make the connections ourselves. And once we do that, we’ll finally put an end to the Numa Numa Guy scourge that is overtaking the internet and the world at large.

Because at the end of the day, confronting the alt-right seems really hard and scary. That’s why it’s so comforting to, instead, confront random pieces of media that we can pretend are the alt-right. Like our therapists said, sometimes you just need to solve the smaller problems before you feel ready to tackle the big ones. And besides, a click is a click and my deadlines to write these articles are only getting shorter.

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