TOKYO — In a stunning press conference this morning, SEGA has finally validated the long-held fan theory that Sonic the Hedgehog’s abilities do not reflect what a real hedgehog is biologically capable of.
“We are embarrassed and ashamed it has come to this,” said SEGA representative Ichika Morimoto. “The rumors are true. Sonic is faster than the ordinary hedgehog because he is in fact a complete fabrication. As far as we know, no hedgehog is blue, nor can one eat even a small fraction of a chili dog.”
“We are sorry we lied,” continued a somber Morimoto. “Years ago, our executives got drunk and just kept telling people that hedgehogs were really fast and then we couldn’t go back on it. The lie became too big and we ended up making a game about how fast hedgehogs are.”
The mea culpa is a believed attempt at getting in front of an upcoming bombshell study on hedgehog reaction to video game-style stimuli out of UC San Diego. Said UCSD researcher Dr. Susan Khumalo, “Our experiments show the Sonic the Hedgehog series to be a big falsehood. Even when assisted by an extremely fast treadmill or pinball machine bumpers, velocity never exceeded 20 mph.”
“While we’re busting myths,” Khumalo added, “a hedgehog also can’t defeat a robot in combat. In our tests the robot won every time.”
Fan reaction online was mostly flat, with some disappointment. “I had never thought of Sonic in terms of a real hedgehog before,” said one Reddit user. “I’m upset because I just looked up what real hedgehog genitals look like and my fanfictions need a complete rewrite.”
At the end of SEGA’s press conference, the spokeswoman let loose a few more stunning revelations: “Flying squirrels only have one tail and we don’t even know what an echidna is. Shadow, however, is real.”
