Mario Under Fire After Gen-Z Kids Dig Up Old Video Where He Stomps On Guy’s Head

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber and adventurer Mario Mario has come under attack on social media after teens and 20-somethings discovered an old video of him stomping on a guy’s head.

“This-a you?” read several thousand tweets, linking to a video from 1985’s Super Mario Bros. in which Mario stomps on a goomba’s head in response to a post from Mario saying “it’s-a me, Mario!” earlier today.

“Absolutely fucking embarrassing that people defend this clown. Literally stomped on so many guy’s heads, but oh, he’s a really great go-kart driver, so we’re supposed to just pretend it never happened? News flash: it literally hasn’t stopped,” said a Tiktoker who went viral with a series of videos on the subject. “I’m just absolutely done with this shit. Straight up: if you’re a video game character who started working before like 2015, I do not trust you.”

Members of other generations, however, have been softer on the famed Italian athlete.

“I totally get the righteous anger here, but these kids gotta understand that it was a very different time in the 1980s. And sure, he’s still stomping on guys’ heads today, but that’s besides the point. We all have cobwebs in our closets — I’m the first to admit I laughed my ass off when Kirby ate all those guys in the early ’90s — so I just worry it’s a slippery slope,” said Crash Bandicoot, who kept referring to himself as an “elder millennial” before chuckling. “First they came for Mario, and I did not speak up because I never stomped on a guy. But what if they come for me next?”

Following widespread criticism, Mario wrote an apology message in his notes app that he screenshotted and posted to Instagram and Twitter.

“This is not-a me. I am-a so embarrassed,” Mario said in the post. “I just-a want people to-a know that I would-a literally never do such-a thing. I mean-a I know I-a did in the video, but like it-a seems like a different person to-a me, because I’m so-a different and evolved now. I a-thank you for helping me-a grow, like I am-a eating a mushroom. I am-a always learning and I hope-a people check out-a my new movie, which a-comes out April 7, 2023! Let’s-a-go!”

At press time, Mario promised to donate 500 coins to an organization for protecting goombas, which, according to sources close to the information, was a request from Nintendo in order to keep being the star of its popular video game franchise.

Psst. Hey Gamer. Want to See Some Numbers Go Up? Click This Article

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey, gamer, whatcha doin? Pretending to work? Scouring the same video game news websites that you read every morning, seeing their similar reporting on the same four video game stories they’ve been milking all week? Why don’t you come over here. I got what you need. You need your fix, don’t you? You wanna see some numbers go up, isn’t that right?  Well, I got you. Daddy’s got you. That’s me. I’m Daddy. Keep scrolling if you want the goods. I’ll fuckin’ hook you up. 

200
400
800
1,600
3,200

Yeah, you like that shit, don’t you? Did you think I was fucking around? 

6,200
8,720
10,410
23,500

Damn, just keeps on going up. Look at that.

Okay, fuck it, let’s take it up a notch. 

32,000
57,000
99,100
110,210

BONUS!!

230,000

Oh hell yeah. Hit the bonus. Very nice. 

302,900
345,200
349,000

Whoaaaaa shit, those numbers are looking pretty good. I wrote an article similar to this a few years back, but I’m starting to think we might even break that one’s high score (Which was 1,000,000,000). We still have a ways to go, but keep thinking good thoughts. We’re having a great run so far. This is so much better than reading about some stupid DLC you’ll never buy, isn’t it? 

400,230
450,670
900,210

What? It just fucking doubled!! Oh man, we’re gonna fucking hit the fucking million! I feel like my whole body just got a boner. I’m sure you sick fucks are just loving this, huh? 

982,000
992,000

Come onnnnnnnnn

1,000,000

Yes!!!  A Million!  I still feel pretty good, too!  OK let’s keep going. 

2,000,000
6,000,000
9,500,000
11,000,000
12,000,000
14,000,000

14 fucking million? This is beyond what I even thought was possible here today. Holy shit. 

15,000,000
18,500,000
24,000,000

Can’t stop now!

This has got to be some kind of a record. 

52,000,000
76,400,000
103,000,000

Yooooo!!!!! A hundred million? Are you frickin’ kidding me?! Seriously, somebody tell somebody. This is a record for sure. I just know it. 

210,300,000
239,700,000
309,210,000
481,000,000
509,100,000

Alright, I’m done. Wow, I can’t believe it. 509 million!? Folks, we’ve been a website for five years and this is the wildest shit I’ve seen by far. Damn, I should have been streaming this. 

Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the achievement for observing a high score of over a half billion! That’s 10 reader points!  Further achievements can be claimed by clicking on other Hard Drive articles and sharing them with your friends and immediate family. 

Dear Hard Drive: The Console Wars Have Turned My Sons Against Each Other, and I Fear It May End in Bloodshed

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Dear Hard Drive, 

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. My only hope is that it reaches you before something terrible has happened. Please allow me to explain my situation. 

My husband and I have two boys, our absolute angels. Connor is older, and has always been such a solid kid, very reliable. Cody is younger, and is kind of a free spirit, but at the end of the day he’s a great kid too. 

When they were young they got along like a parent hopes their sons will. Sure, there was some fighting, but it was always at a minimum, and never anything serious. Mostly they played together. Whether they were getting along or not, they were inseparable, that’s what I remember the most. 

Those days didn’t last long, however, as our sons began to grow up and grow apart. Connor got a PlayStation 4 in his room and started getting really into playing games online with his friends. 

Some time after that, Cody saved up some money and bought an Xbox 360 so he could play Halo with some of his buddies. Things were never quite the same after that. 

These days, the sounds of them playing and laughing have been replaced by them yelling through their bedroom walls, accusing each other of wanting to suck off their favorite video game systems. None of it makes sense to me. All I know is this intense dedication to their specific video game system of choice is driving our whole family apart. The console war has come to my front door. My house is now a battleground.

I understand that kids will be kids, and of course they won’t always get along. But the other day I came home and found Connor doing what I can only describe as waterboarding his little brother in the bathtub until he admitted that the new PS Plus service was comparable to if not better than Game Pass. My poor little baby! He told me that it just felt like drowning and he couldn’t even say the thing his brother was trying to make him say. Just awful stuff. 

When I asked Connor why he would do this he told me Cody provoked him endlessly about how his favorite system’s former so-called “exclusives,” are now mostly available on PC. So honestly, I get where his frustration comes from. I tried to explain to him that his reaction to those heinous things his brother said was valid, but overblown and quite frankly, dangerous. 

I fear that these fierce loyalties have become thicker than my sons’ blood, and the way things are trending, it’s not hard to tell that things are almost certainly going to grow more violent. I went to a local GameStop and asked them what they thought I should do and the guy just asked me if I wanted to buy any NFTs or Funko Pops. When I said no he just said, “fuck it,” and lit a cigarette right there in the store. I don’t think I want to go back there. So I have found myself writing to all of the most prominent video game websites: IGN, Hard Drive, and then the other less popular ones as well. 

I’m not sure what to do, Hard Drive, but I’m afraid my sons are about to seriously injure one another over their devotion to the video game systems they prefer. It’s pretty weird. 

Signed, 

Worried About Likelihood of Ugly Grappling Incident 

Dear WALUIGI, 

Fuck! That sounds shitty. I don’t know. Ground their asses. Take their video games. They’re for adults now anyway. Hook their shit up in your bedroom. Check out some Devolver Digital games. 

Truth be told, we’re a video game satire website. I’m very sympathetic to your situation, but I just really don’t know what I can offer. Not even really sure how you got our email, to be honest. We never claimed to be one of those websites where you could send us your problems. If anything, I think we’ve given off the vibe that we very much serve the opposite purpose — speaking to us may very well create more problems.

The best I can do is not make jokes or anything. I’ll just print your letter and wish you well. Once again, I really just want to say that I think your whole thing there sounds pretty shitty and well, I wish you luck. Hoping IGN answers you. 

Thanks for reading Hard Drive!

Strongest Guy at Gym Wearing Kingdom Hearts Shirt

Posted on by Kevin Podas

ST. CHARLES, Ill. — Local musclehead Brandon Kinz was spotted at a Planet Fitness this week bench pressing over 225 pounds and squatting over 315 pounds while proudly wearing a Kingdom Hearts tee shirt.

“Never skip leg day,” joked Kinz in a sweat-drenched shirt prominently featuring Sora, Donald, and Goofy. “And never forget to have a spotter with you — there’s nothing more important than gym safety, or the power of friendship. That’s something that the Kingdom Hearts games have taught me time and time again, after all.”

Others at the gym couldn’t help but take note of Kinz’s unique attire.

“Is that a Kingdom Hearts shirt? Who wears a Kingdom Hearts shirt to the gym?” asked fellow Planet Fitness member Zach Daley, who reportedly weighs 140 pounds. “Those games fucking suck. I mean, how many spin-offs does one series need? Not to mention the plot is an absolute mess. I mean, what is he gonna bench press, 358/2 pounds? Man… how did he get his form so good, anyway?”

According to those familiar with the situation, Kinz was unbothered by any weird looks he received while donning his personal workout wear.

“Overhead 135, bench 225, squat 315, deadlift 405,” muttered Kinz. “Sorry, those are the goals I’m trying to hit right now. I’ve got different Kingdom Hearts shirts picked out for every day of the week, too. Tomorrow I’m going to wear my shirt with Organization XIII on it. That’s my ‘beast mode’ shirt.”

At press time, Kinz’s shirt had split at the seams unable to contain his muscles, prompting an emergency trip to Hot Topic to replace it.

Enter the Gungeon Creators Reveal Evil, Gun-Ridden Wasteland Was Inspired By Texas

Posted on by Camden Brazile

AUSTIN, Texas — Creators of Enter the Gungeon, the notoriously-difficult indie roguelike pitting players against five randomly-generated floors of peril, revealed a key tidbit of lore today, that the evil, gun-ridden wasteland was inspired by the state of Texas.

“We needed to code a sinister, dank pit that you could die in at any moment,” said designer Dave Crooks. “Our minds immediately went to Texas. Initially the game was going to actually take place in Texas, with players going deeper and deeper south with each cleared floor, but we decided to make a cutesy indie game instead of an immersive horror game. We had to eventually tone it down though, because when we styled the game after Texas, it became way too easy to get a gun in-game.”

The game’s fans seemed delighted to learn the new tidbit of lore to the game’s development.

“Now that I hear it, it totally makes complete sense,” Enter the Gungeon player Mark Plumowitz said. “After putting over 700 hours into the game, I can see other ways Texas clearly influenced the Gungeon’s setting. For instance, all the people that inhabit the Gungeon seem either completely insane or just downright evil. Texas. Also no matter what high-ranking person gets defeated, another larger more difficult person steps in to take their place. Texas. Every single thing in the game exists for the sole purpose of shooting you to death. Texas.”

“And yeah, you might be thinking, aren’t there also people in Texas who aren’t evil, and are just trying to make it to the next day?” he added. “You’re describing the player character.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbot weighed in on his state’s portrayal in the game.

“We’re glad that Texas finally has a video game counterpart,” Abbot said. “Finally someone was able to capture the high-stakes, rootin’ tootin’ and shootin’ that I’ve been borned and raised through. I don’t agree with all the fancy colors of the game, but at least they seem to value the second amendment in that there Gungeon. Amen.” 

At press time, Enter the Gungeon creators scared and challenged fans by announcing they were working on a nearly-unbeatable DLC based on New Jersey.

Hey guess what? This is sponsored by Devolver Digital! That means you can head to Steam right now and play Enter the Gungeon to experience the excitement of being in Texas without having to actually go there. It’s very fun.

REPORT: You Can Move That Box to Get Up There

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

WASHINGTON — A new report from the Occupational Health and Safety Administration released today states that you can actually move that box in order to get to a higher platform or ledge.

“Workers should be properly trained in the ability to push a large metal or stone block around their workplace,” said OHSA Spokesperson Scott Carlson. “At minimum, scuff marks must be set on the floor to mark the path of the block, though we recommend installing sunken pathways with raised curbs throughout the workplace to manage the safe movement of blocks, boxes, and cubes.”

Many workers praised the new guidelines, declaring it a win for workplace safety and productivity.

“It used to be that in order to get up there when the ladder was broken, you needed to wait nearby for one of your buddies to give you a boost,” said contractor Ashley Fischer. “Now when my boss tells me to go put a treasure chest up on that balcony, I can just move this heavy stone block over and climb up. Of course, I always move it back to a random spot in the room afterward, just to be polite.” 

The new OHSA report lays out strict safety guidelines for the use of boxes, including push and pull force limits, keeping a proper distance when pushing a block from the higher level onto the ground floor, and recommending the use of tools like Power Bracelets or Pullcasters. 

“It can be difficult to see where you’re going while you’re pushing a 10-foot tall crate across the floor,” added Carlson. “It’s why we strongly urge workers to grunt loudly on each push to alert their coworkers. Even a soft-spoken ‘Damn, this is heavy’ can prevent a serious workplace injury.”

OHSA reminded workers to fill out an anonymous report if they see any unsafe or improper working conditions, such as workplaces using large statues instead of blocks, blocks requiring the use of animals or creatures to move, or just having blocks around that can’t be moved for some fucking reason.

Guy Still Keeping Wii Sports in His Car Just in Case He Needs to Save a Boring Party

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TOPEKA, Kan. — A local gamer reportedly still keeps a Nintendo Wii and a copy of Wii Sports in his car at all times in case he has to rescue a dull social function, sources have confirmed. 

“Some have called me a hero, but I might not go that far,” said Cole Keeney, who has been successfully injecting a shot of excitement into boring parties since he scored a Wii back in ’06. “I’m just a guy who had a buddy that worked at GameStop that was able to get me one when they were still pretty hard to find. I was a fucking god during that whole first year. I would show up and people would start flipping out ‘cause they knew I had the Wii in the car. Wasn’t long after that we’d be having a bowling tournament into the early hours of the night. What a blast.”

“Maybe I’m living in the past,” Keeney added. “Or maybe I’m living in paradise.”

While reports indicate that the tactic is not deployed as often these days, that hasn’t prevented him from being ready at all times. 

“Our friends Lisa and A.J. had a party and got into this huge fight in front of everybody a few weeks ago,” said Joe Stallworth, a friend of Keeney’s. “Everything felt so tense after that. Then next thing I know, Cole hooked up Wii Sports and before I knew it we were all having a blast again. I forgot how fun that shit was. Lisa and A.J. even made up by the end of the bowling tournament. Cole really saved the day with that Nintendo Wii he keeps in his car. What a responsible guy.” 

Executives from Nintendo were happy to hear about Wii Sports’ continued reverence 16 years after its release. 

“We are thrilled that people are still enjoying Wii Sports and keeping it in their car,” said Katsuya Eguchi, producer of games such as Wii Sports and Animal Crossing. “We here at Nintendo pride ourselves on being able to make family friendly hits that will stand the test of time. It has been a hit for all ages since its release, and we recommend all adults keep an emergency copy in the trunk of their car alongside a gun in case you ever get kidnapped. Thanks for choosing Nintendo!” 

As of press time, Keeney had answered an emergency text from a friend and was racing across town to save a party that had begun playing Cards Against Humanity.

Forbes Announces “32-Under-32” to Account for CEO’s 31-Year-Old Daughter Who’s Really Good at Drawing

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Forbes announced today that this year’s edition of 30-Under-30 will instead be called 32-Under-32 in order to include the daughter of Forbes’ CEO, who is reportedly really good at drawing.

“I don’t normally like to exercise my power in order to help my children out, because that would be nepotism, but I think it’s fair in this case because Veronica is just so good at drawing. She would easily make the list if she wasn’t too old and I think she absolutely needs to be represented!” explained Forbes CEO Michael Federle. “She only just started drawing about a year ago, but she’s already crushing it. She can’t do people yet, but if you ask her to draw a street or something, she does this thing where she draws a big X on the page and then draws the buildings and such along the lines of it. I don’t know how she comes up with this stuff, but she’s our next Picasso for sure. I know he did paintings, but if he did drawings too.”

Veronica Federle was announced along 31 other notable young people in the category “Art & Style” as well as “Social Impact” because “her drawings really make people think.”

“I know people are going to poo poo this because my dad is the CEO, but I genuinely think he would have done this for me if he just saw my drawings and we weren’t related at all,” the budding drawer explained. “Not to mention, I’m not taking anybody’s spot; we actually added an extra person to each category this year, so they should really thank me. Honestly, in many ways, having my dad be the CEO of Forbes has only made my career harder because people expect so much of me. Thankfully, I have managed to rise to the occasion!”

According to those familiar with the situation, Federle plans to use her drawing skills to eventually make a transition into being a leading actor in a prestige television drama or film.

At press time, we considered reaching out to young up-and-coming artists who felt snubbed by the decision to include Veronica Federle in this year’s list, but we don’t know who they are.

Vintage Xbox Magazine Rendered Unusable by 796 MB Update

Posted on by Jacob Colliver

REDMOND, Wash. — Due to a miscalculation in the otherwise seamless rollout of Microsoft’s industry-leading backwards compatibility and cross-platform game support for their vast catalogue of titles, gamers have discovered that several old Xbox magazines were rendered totally unusable by a bloated 796MB software update released by Microsoft yesterday.

“They’ve completely bricked my favorite mags,” Retro enthusiast Drew Robins lamented, flipping through pages and pages of glossy magazine layouts now littered with error messages. “I keep getting this one bug saying that WiFi connection is required to install a required typo patch. I can’t fix it. I Googled what I thought was an error code, but in retrospect, that could have just been the page number. I tried my best at a hard reset by closing and reopening the magazine but everything’s still blank. Fuck this.”

Robins made the shocking discovery yesterday in his garage after stumbling upon his once completely readable copy of Xbox Cheat Codes Monthly from May 2003 with holographic special edition Enter The Matrix cover. The magazine-bricking update has since generated widespread public outcry with its size proving far too large for most classic gaming magazines, which all notably released with a total storage capacity of 0MB.

“You used to be able to buy a magazine and know exactly what would be in it as long as you had it,” chain-smoking newsagent Walter Caroll explained. “Nowadays, they’re updating content for re-release all the time. Some of them change style by the day. Some of them are only half-written by the release date and the publishers promise to patch in the rest of the words six months later. Customers were returning some mags last week saying they added a bunch of ‘nerfed paragraphs. I’m losing my goddamn mind here.”

After attempting and failing to open the magazine successfully for about 25 minutes, Robins concluded that his endeavor was simply “far too much effort” for what likely would have only amounted to a halfhearted nostalgic skim through a 7/10 review for Brute Force.

“Microsoft regrets that the latest update to our Xbox gaming services designed to fix an issue that the last update unknowingly caused, has caused this issue,” a Microsoft press release detailed today. “Cross-platform coding is a complicated process. Updating a paper magazine’s original format from a gaudy, overwhelming column layout to a gaudy, overwhelming panel layout will take time. We are happy to confirm that this shall be amended in a further, larger update.”

Though Microsoft has expressed interest in taking long-term steps toward “classic magazine preservation”, the company has revealed in the meantime a new $14.99 monthly subscription that will deliver 300 magazines a month directly to your house.

Worker on Hybrid Schedule Gets to Go to Bathroom on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Weekends

Posted on by Doug Kolic

VANCOUVER — Local worker Joshua Stewart expressed profound relief after his company announced a new hybrid work schedule, allowing him to actually go to the bathroom on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends.

“Working a hybrid schedule means I won’t have to be on site all week, which also means a lower chance of getting another bladder infection or appendicitis from ignoring my basic human functions because of their unrealistic workload,” said a relaxed Stewart from inside the comfort of his home bathroom. “They tell us we’re free to go as often as we want, but everyone knows they monitor the fuck out of everything, so we’re usually too scared to leave our posts and sometimes end up relieving ourselves in a soda can or worse. I know it sounds like prison but it’s not that bad, they gave us a ten cent raise for one month during the peak of the pandemic so we’re pretty lucky, as they keep reminding us.”

Stewart’s manager Sandro Santis was happy his employees were enjoying the hybrid work schedule but cautioned against getting too comfortable.

“We’re proud to offer some staff the ability to work remotely for work-life balance or whatever,” said Santis between checking his watch each time an employee exited the bathroom. “But if any staff are suspected of abusing the privilege of going to the toilet while on our time, there will be consequences. I’m not saying we have moles inside the water department who can pinpoint with extreme accuracy how often our employees flush their toilets, but I’m not not saying that either. For legal reasons.”

HR expert Maya Rivers praised Stewart’s new hybrid schedule and offered advice on how other workers could ask for similar arrangements themselves.

“This hybrid work schedule gives Mr. Stewart a much better quality of life — going to the bathroom whenever he wants on two different weekdays, and the weekend? I’d love to see more American workers get those kinds of cushy perks,” explained Rivers. “My advice is to have constructive dialogue with your boss expressing any concerns you may have about the work environment. And in the meantime, you can always relieve yourself in other locations, such as the hood of their Audi.”

At press time, Stewart was in the bathroom washing up when a suspicious drone flew up to his window, snapped a few pictures, then disappeared.