TOPEKA, Kan. — A local gamer reportedly still keeps a Nintendo Wii and a copy of Wii Sports in his car at all times in case he has to rescue a dull social function, sources have confirmed.
“Some have called me a hero, but I might not go that far,” said Cole Keeney, who has been successfully injecting a shot of excitement into boring parties since he scored a Wii back in ’06. “I’m just a guy who had a buddy that worked at GameStop that was able to get me one when they were still pretty hard to find. I was a fucking god during that whole first year. I would show up and people would start flipping out ‘cause they knew I had the Wii in the car. Wasn’t long after that we’d be having a bowling tournament into the early hours of the night. What a blast.”
“Maybe I’m living in the past,” Keeney added. “Or maybe I’m living in paradise.”
While reports indicate that the tactic is not deployed as often these days, that hasn’t prevented him from being ready at all times.
“Our friends Lisa and A.J. had a party and got into this huge fight in front of everybody a few weeks ago,” said Joe Stallworth, a friend of Keeney’s. “Everything felt so tense after that. Then next thing I know, Cole hooked up Wii Sports and before I knew it we were all having a blast again. I forgot how fun that shit was. Lisa and A.J. even made up by the end of the bowling tournament. Cole really saved the day with that Nintendo Wii he keeps in his car. What a responsible guy.”
Executives from Nintendo were happy to hear about Wii Sports’ continued reverence 16 years after its release.
“We are thrilled that people are still enjoying Wii Sports and keeping it in their car,” said Katsuya Eguchi, producer of games such as Wii Sports and Animal Crossing. “We here at Nintendo pride ourselves on being able to make family friendly hits that will stand the test of time. It has been a hit for all ages since its release, and we recommend all adults keep an emergency copy in the trunk of their car alongside a gun in case you ever get kidnapped. Thanks for choosing Nintendo!”
As of press time, Keeney had answered an emergency text from a friend and was racing across town to save a party that had begun playing Cards Against Humanity.