Hey, gamer, whatcha doin? Pretending to work? Scouring the same video game news websites that you read every morning, seeing their similar reporting on the same four video game stories they’ve been milking all week? Why don’t you come over here. I got what you need. You need your fix, don’t you? You wanna see some numbers go up, isn’t that right? Well, I got you. Daddy’s got you. That’s me. I’m Daddy. Keep scrolling if you want the goods. I’ll fuckin’ hook you up.
Yeah, you like that shit, don’t you? Did you think I was fucking around?
Damn, just keeps on going up. Look at that.
Okay, fuck it, let’s take it up a notch.
Oh hell yeah. Hit the bonus. Very nice.
Whoaaaaa shit, those numbers are looking pretty good. I wrote an article similar to this a few years back, but I’m starting to think we might even break that one’s high score (Which was 1,000,000,000). We still have a ways to go, but keep thinking good thoughts. We’re having a great run so far. This is so much better than reading about some stupid DLC you’ll never buy, isn’t it?
What? It just fucking doubled!! Oh man, we’re gonna fucking hit the fucking million! I feel like my whole body just got a boner. I’m sure you sick fucks are just loving this, huh?
Yes!!! A Million! I still feel pretty good, too! OK let’s keep going.
14 fucking million? This is beyond what I even thought was possible here today. Holy shit.
Can’t stop now!
This has got to be some kind of a record.
Yooooo!!!!! A hundred million? Are you frickin’ kidding me?! Seriously, somebody tell somebody. This is a record for sure. I just know it.
Alright, I’m done. Wow, I can’t believe it. 509 million!? Folks, we’ve been a website for five years and this is the wildest shit I’ve seen by far. Damn, I should have been streaming this.
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