Hey, gamer, whatcha doin? Pretending to work? Scouring the same video game news websites that you read every morning, seeing their similar reporting on the same four video game stories they’ve been milking all week? Why don’t you come over here. I got what you need. You need your fix, don’t you? You wanna see some numbers go up, isn’t that right? Well, I got you. Daddy’s got you. That’s me. I’m Daddy. Keep scrolling if you want the goods. I’ll fuckin’ hook you up.
200
400
800
1,600
3,200
Yeah, you like that shit, don’t you? Did you think I was fucking around?
6,200
8,720
10,410
23,500
Damn, just keeps on going up. Look at that.
Okay, fuck it, let’s take it up a notch.
32,000
57,000
99,100
110,210
BONUS!!
230,000
Oh hell yeah. Hit the bonus. Very nice.
302,900
345,200
349,000
Whoaaaaa shit, those numbers are looking pretty good. I wrote an article similar to this a few years back, but I’m starting to think we might even break that one’s high score (Which was 1,000,000,000). We still have a ways to go, but keep thinking good thoughts. We’re having a great run so far. This is so much better than reading about some stupid DLC you’ll never buy, isn’t it?
400,230
450,670
900,210
What? It just fucking doubled!! Oh man, we’re gonna fucking hit the fucking million! I feel like my whole body just got a boner. I’m sure you sick fucks are just loving this, huh?
982,000
992,000
Come onnnnnnnnn
1,000,000
Yes!!! A Million! I still feel pretty good, too! OK let’s keep going.
2,000,000
6,000,000
9,500,000
11,000,000
12,000,000
14,000,000
14 fucking million? This is beyond what I even thought was possible here today. Holy shit.
15,000,000
18,500,000
24,000,000
Can’t stop now!
This has got to be some kind of a record.
52,000,000
76,400,000
103,000,000
Yooooo!!!!! A hundred million? Are you frickin’ kidding me?! Seriously, somebody tell somebody. This is a record for sure. I just know it.
210,300,000
239,700,000
309,210,000
481,000,000
509,100,000
Alright, I’m done. Wow, I can’t believe it. 509 million!? Folks, we’ve been a website for five years and this is the wildest shit I’ve seen by far. Damn, I should have been streaming this.
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