BELLEVUE, Wash. — A recent software update to Valve’s handheld Steam Deck includes a notification that the gaming system has grown dangerously hot and that you should stop touching it as soon as possible.
“Oh thank god, this is actually really helpful,” said Grant Tillman, a gamer that was among the first to receive their Steam Deck after pre-ordering it last year. “I’ve been playing so much on this game, it’s really great. New stuff, emulators, everything in between, just a blast. The only thing is, when it gets going it gets a little loud and very hot. Thankfully this new update will tell me when to put the system down, lest I scorch my skin on the bastard.”
“No more trips to the burn ward after a long night of Rocket League!” he added.
Valve employees said they worked as hard as they could to remedy the lack of a notification that alerts the user to the high temperature of the computer in their hands.
“An oversight, we absolutely blew it on this one,” said Drew Ragan, a representative from Valve. “Look, we’re learning as we go on this, and hindsight is 20/20. We really should have anticipated that these things turning into little fireballs is going to be worth mentioning to the player. Otherwise, they’ll just sit there and melt their fucking hands. The absolute sickos.”
Critics of Valve said that the notification is too little, too late.
“Oh, NOW they add a notification that my system has grown hot to the touch,” said Eric Liles,” one of many gamers to sustain serious burns from the device. “I finally got my Steam Deck a few weeks back and Elden Ring ran so well that thing they’re saying I may never game again. Third degree burns on my palms. I’m just like Jesus Christ, only my sacrifice seems like it may be greater. I wonder if my Kinect is still in the basement.”
As of press time, Valve has said they’re working on an update that will provide a notification when you have spilled something on your Steam Deck.
PONTIAC, Mich. — A first look at some exclusive new footage from the highly anticipated The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2 reveals that the guy that said he worked for Nintendo was 100 percent lying to me, everyone at the office has confirmed. Damn.
“I fucking told you, Mark,” said Jeremy Kaplowitz, Editor-in-Chief of Hard Drive and the co-creator of The Hamlet Factory, an animated Adult Swim web series. “Why would someone with the email HardDriveSucksRocks@gmail.com email us out of the blue and share leaked Breath of the Wild footage with absolutely nothing to gain? You didn’t give that guy any money, did you?”
The pseudo-trailer started with repurposed footage from previous teasers of the upcoming game, but after 20 seconds the video abruptly cuts to a dog humping a parking cone, in what some viewers first mistook as outside interference from a third party. And, according to sources close to the information, I had, in fact, given the source money.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s a mistake,” said our IT guy. I think his name’s Derek? “It seems like someone just sent you a video of a dog humping a parking cone. I’m not sure why you filed a ticket that said you’d been hacked by the dark web and Al Qaeda. Someone’s just fucking with you, Mark. How do you still work here?”
The footage promised to showcase features both new and old to the beloved Zelda series, with holdovers such as cooking and climbing being included alongside additions like pole vaulting, scrapbooking, and hot dog eating contests.
“Oh yeah see, that should’ve given it away probably,” said Kevin Flynn, editor at Hard Drive, when I asked him what the fuck was happening to me. “Have you played Zelda games before, Mark? None of that new stuff would ever happen. Well, maybe pole vaulting. But nevertheless. Also, looking back over this email exchange you guys had, I’m shocked that you paid him as much as you did. Does Jeremy know about this?”
“Also I think you are really cool,” he may or may not have said, honestly I can’t remember.
While nothing concrete can be taken from the fraudulent video, one thing has been confirmed: anticipation for Breath of the Wild 2 is higher than ever these days.
Also, would everybody please stop fucking with me?
LOS ANGELES — The latest film adaptation of a video game has cast one of its leading roles, as producers of the upcoming Katamari movie have announced that Elon Musk will portray the big pile of shit that you roll around in the game.
“You know how you always hear filmmakers talk about how long and extensive the casting process was for a big role like this,” asked Scott Marshall, the director of the upcoming adaptation of the cult Japanese series that sees a prince amassing giant piles of garbage on Earth to help recreate the universe. “Well, this was the opposite of that. We figured out right away that there was one guy that could really bring to life a rolling ball of trash that shows no signs of slowing down. Needless to say, he jumped at the chance to appear in the movie. It was a little tricky keeping him focused on the movie because he kept trying to break up SAG during filming, not to mention he tried to get us to pay him in horses, but I think the results will speak for themselves!”
“It’s always cool to have someone who works as a method actor by accident,” he added.
Musk was unsurprised by his newfound leading man status.
“When you’re this charismatic and have this impeccable sense of humor, Hollywood leading man status is pretty much inevitable,” said Musk, 51, alone on a yacht with no discernable joy on his face. “I always knew it would happen. Frankly, I thought I would have my breakout role sooner. And I thought less people would think I was an absolute parasite of the highest order. It’s been a weird, strange journey. Just like that one to Mars that we are absolutely going to take one day. You just watch.”
Many fans of the series had mixed feelings about the surprise announcement.
“I guess I understand that it might help the movie appeal to some more people,” said Carmen Watson, a Katamari fan, who objected to the casting of Musk. “But, do you even need to cast a growing ball of garbage as a person? Some video effects worker is going to do all of the true creative work on this project but Musk will still get to brag about what a good job he’s done. It’s complete bullshit and too many people are going to fall for it. At least it’s not Chris Pratt, I guess.”
As of press time, the Katamari movie will probably never come out if we’re being honest.
In 1951, some unspectacular guy in an unspectacular movie let out a shrill-ass yelp and generations of nerds decided to turn it into everyone’s problem. This became known as the notorious Wilhelm Scream and it’s been a bad penny ever since. It’s a wink and a nod that film dorks love to point at and feel like they’ve caught something everyone else didn’t. But everyone did get it. At this stage in cinematic history, it’s impossible to not get. They just don’t care like the normal people they are. It’s like pointing out that a Wendy’s beef patty is square, or the hidden Mickeys at Disneyland. That’s awesome man, very cool. Moving on.
Now, is it the worst thing in the world? Absolutely not. Am I hamming it up to make a point? You bet your ass. However, no matter how indifferent, ineffectual and passive the Wilhelm scream has become, in recent years we’ve been introduced to its way cooler cousin. A cousin that rides a motorcycle:
The Akira bike slide.
With the recent homage made to the famous scene in Jordan Peele’s blockbuster Nope, attention around the bike slide has resurged. Fans have been reminiscing about their favorite instances of the iconic image in everything from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to No More Heroes 3. But with a litany of these references, shouldn’t it be a tired bit? Not a fuckin’ chance, bucko.
What makes the Akira bike slide so special is that it isn’t in abundance; It’s precisely the inverse of what’s made the Wilhelm scream so bland. It has the good fortune of being doled out in moderation, as if there’s a maximum annual quota to be met. What’s even better is that it’s not limited to a niche. Akira’s influence is far more widespread than most likely even realize (Peele himself has cited it as one of his favorite films on several occasions, even being in talks at one time to direct a western adaptation). That’s just it, too. When you see the bike slide, it not only provides an insight to the responsible party’s taste, but if you also share a love of Katsuhiro Ôtomo’s most celebrated work — it feels special.
It’s also just cool as hell. If some guy does a goofy scream in a movie and you don’t know what it’s a reference to, it just sounds like a bad vocal effect. But if you’ve never been forced by your weeb friend to watch Akira, and you see Kanada’s iconic slide recreated somewhere else, you’re like, “Damn! That was a dope move!”
Nobody is sneaking in the Wilhelm scream because Raoul Walsh’s Distant Drums had a profound impact on them. It’s because it’s something they think they should do, an obligation of the auteur. It’s the difference between an uncomfortable shoulder jab from some geek going “Didja see? Didya get it?” and an old friend throwing you a dap.
In conclusion, referencing media in other media is always a dicey game. Subtlety, nuance, and thematic relevance are always at play. But one thing is for sure, and that’s that a character doing a sick-ass hockey stop on a chopper escaping some bad guys will always rock and never get old. It will in no way, shape, or form be lost to time and become a fridge magnet of cinema. Right?
Manyhaveattempted to edge in on the kart-racing genre that Mario and his friends defined, putting their beloved mascot characters behind the wheel and seeing them race around in circles, but few have succeeded in being little more than pathetic imitations. Mario may still be the King of Kart, but when Nintendo and Rare were nearly inseparable, they perfected the formula with Diddy Kong Racing, which had a wider variety of characters, courses, and vehicles. But most of all: it had a fucking Adventure Mode, with an actual story! At the risk of sounding like some kind of weirdo — Nintendo, we need a story mode in Mario Kart 9.
Following up from the wild success of Mario Kart 64, Diddy Kong Racing had to stand out on its own, and in doing so, added a number of new features including an adventure mode with an explorable hub world à la Super Mario 64. Complete with hidden secrets to find, bosses to fight, and special challenges to play, it was a breath of fresh air after spending countless hours going around and around Luigi’s Raceway in Mario Kart 64 with your friends (if you were lucky). You’d think after how good of a concept this was that Nintendo would take the idea and run (race?) with it, but nope, Mario’s just gonna do what he does best. Though there may be a reason behind this, and I blame Microsoft.
Pure adventure mode bliss.
No I’m not some bitter fanboy, this is truly all Microsoft’s fault. Before the GameCube was released, Rare revealed a teaser trailer to a follow-up game tentatively titled Donkey Kong Racing. The brief glimpse showed new characters, additional vehicles, and more. Shortly after the GameCube was released, however, Rare was acquired by Microsoft, and the game was banished to the depths of development hell. While Nintendo kept custody of Donkey Kong and his Kong brethren, the game itself was Rare’s, and all was left behind so Rare could focus on Viva Piñata or something. So basically I’m really gonna need Mario to pick up the slack here.
Will there be a new Mario Kart game on the Switch? Hard to say. Will there be a new Mario Kart game on whatever the next Switch is called? The… Super Switch? Yes, absolutely. Wherever it happens, Nintendo needs to up the ante after Mario Kart 8, which is the most popular game on one of the most popular consoles ever — and it’s a port from a previous system! Don’t tell anyone I double-dipped.
Everyone knows exactly what to expect from Mario Kart now, and that ain’t good, especially in the eyes of Nintendo who feels the need to innovate on ideas that may feel trite or stale. We got a tiny taste of this in Mario Kart DS, which included mission modes and boss fights — something to shake it up from just racing on the same 4-track grand prixs and the general monotony of my everyday life. But they haven’t changed it up since. Dare I say, at the risk of sounding like some kind of freak: this is where a story mode would help.
A taste of freedom.
Presentation can really go a long way, and something like a hub world or an area to explore may sound fucking stupid on paper, but it’s little moments like that which make games truly memorable. Diddy Kong Racing still had a versus mode just like Mario Kart, but it also had the “more” factor. The villain of Adventure Mode, Wizpig, has probably given me some mild form of PTSD, but hey at least I had a memorable experience. We need something just as traumatizing and/or memorable for Mario Kart 9, or whatever they decide to call it. Super Smash Bros.Brawl had a story mode — all those dope cutscenes from The Subspace Emissary may have even made tripping worth it — but Nintendo later opted to majorly strip it down for future games, which is also a shame.
The open-world sandbox format of games like Super Mario Odyssey and Bowser’s Fury have been a hit, so imagine racing your character around a large map where you can find secret raceways, hidden characters, and boss fights that are too big to fit into a simple race course. Is anyone else getting goosebumps? Just me? OK.
It’s not too late, Nintendo. You’re going to keep making Mario Kart games forever, because you have to. If you stopped, it would cause a great unbalancing of the universe, a shaking of the cosmic system that keeps our checks and balances in place. So if you’re forced to continue making these games as some form of ironic punishment for success, well, you might as well make ‘em interesting! No one is going to necessarily complain if you just add new courses and a few new characters each time, but someday, honest citizens are going to stand up and say: we want more. Today is that day, and I am that honest citizen. Give Mario Kart 9 a story mode, and please vouch for me that I am not some weird manchild for thinking about this so much.
After that, who knows what we can accomplish? Maybe a Pokémon game that looks like it was made in the year it came out.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Mysterious tragedy ensued today when famed kart racer Koopa Troopa woke up today after a hazy night of drunk driving to find a bloody Luigi cap in the grill of his kart.
“Just let me think, JUST LET ME FUCKING THINK,” panicked Koopa Troopa, fishing the ominous red-splattered cap from the front of the go-kart. “Okay, okay, um, this is bad. I don’t even remember anything about last night. I had some drinks with the other racers after our big Grand Prix, but I don’t recall getting home. Oh, God. I fucked up. I fucked up, man. It’s okay, I’m gonna be fine. I have to get rid of this thing and try to retrace my steps. Besides, I’m a celebrity. A Mario Kart fucking Racer. I can beat this, just have to get my story straight.”
Koopa Troopa’s racing peer Shy Guy was reportedly seen riding home in the passenger seat before the incident.
“I tried to take his keys but he was relentless, he threatened me,” Shy Guy said. “I’m bad at confrontation so I let him get behind the wheel, whatever we did I’m partially responsible.”
Mario Mario, another local go-karting personality, expressed a separate familial concern.
“My brother, he didn’t come-a home last night,” trembled Mario. “I’m-a scared, he never does this. He said he was gonna walk home but I woke up and he’s not-a here. I’m sure he’s-a just out golfing or playing baseball.”
At press time, horrified onlookers reported seeing a bloated, overalls-clad corpse be pulled out of the coast of Cheep Cheep Beach by Lakitu.
CELADON CITY — The starter Pikachu of 10-year old trainer Ash Ketchum inadvertently evolved into his next form of Raichu after having discovered a cool looking rock, according to despondent sources.
“It all happened so fast,” said Ketchum. “We were prepping to face Erika, the Celadon City Gym leader. She’s got all grass types so I knew Pikachu would stomp her ass. Pikachu and I were about to hit up the PokeMart and something in the grass outside caught his eye. He picked it up and there was this huge flash — he just hasn’t been the same since. I’m not even sure what to call him anymore!”
Fellow trainers have taken notice of the now Raichu’s deteriorating mental state.
“He’s been too depressed to even eat,” said Ketchum’s companion and former gym leader, Brock. “He hasn’t even touched any of the jelly donuts I made for him with the rice cooker. Normally he’s all about that stuff, but now he just spends most of his time trying to coil up his extra long tail and color himself in with a yellow Sharpie. You can’t undo the mistakes of your life, little buddy. You gotta just look forward to the next day, Pik— I mean Raichu.”
As people can only guess as to what’s going through the Raichu’s head, other Pokémon have offered up their opinions on the matter.
“It’s really getting to him,” said one Meowth who is miraculously able to speak perfect English. “I mean, the poor rat had his heart set on winning a Pokémon league championship before ever evolving into a Raichu, but now? His best years are behind him. When you hear him say ‘Raichu-Raiii’ that isn’t just him saying his new name. That roughly translates to ‘I’m going to fucking kill myself.’”
At press time, Ketchum went on to say he regrets not “holding B” whatever that may mean.
NEW YORK — After acquiring a coveted invitation to the still-private AI-driven image generation software, Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson reportedly sat down at his computer earlier today and eagerly typed the phrase ‘pictures of web-slinging menace’ into the DALL·E 2 user interface.
“Finally, I don’t have to rely on photo monkeys like that numbskull Parker any more,” Jameson said, his eyes locked on his browser window waiting for pages and pages of AI-generated photos of Spider-Man to unfurl before him. “Surely this small suggestion will be enough to produce the spitting image of that menace, I’ve finally got him! Infinite pictures of Spider-Man and they’re all mine!”
Staff at the Daily Bugle say they’re concerned about Jameson’s fixation on more and more elaborate ways of smearing Spider-Man’s reputation.
“I think Spider-Man has been doing a lot of good for the city lately, and that’s why there’s no real pictures of him doing anything bad,” explained Bugle editor Robbie Robertson. “Jonah’s been locked in his office DMing with teenagers in Kyrgyzstan all hours of the evening trying to get access to that AI thing. I’ve never seen him so excitedly take out his credit card before, it was really surreal. I guess that website must be pretty valuable but it feels unfair to Spider-Man.”
Readers of the Daily Bugle have been surprised by the avalanche of artificially generated and sometimes terrifyingly surreal Spider-Man photos that have run in the paper since Jameson’s experiment.
“Some of the photos in this Spider-Man cover story look like an acid trip nightmare,” said pizza chef Marylou Weaver, flipping through a copy of the Daily Bugle on her lunch break and sometimes recoiling in fear. “This one’s just a giant spindly-armed creature slinging giant webs onto terrified civilians with its horrific snout. What the hell is going on with that? I think I’m going to be up at night thinking about it, but it certainly makes the picture right next to it of Spider-Man punching an old lady in the face seem very realistic by contrast. What a menace that Spider-Man is!”
At press time, Jameson was reportedly haggling with DALL·E 2 to pay it fewer credits for each future Spider-Man photo it generates.
PASADENA, Calif. — After confirming that the coast was totally clear with no other competing creative visions to compete with for attention, the controversial superhero filmmaker Zack Snyder reportedly seized a crucial window of opportunity by uploading a homemade feature-length Batgirl film to his personal YouTube channel earlier this afternoon.
“What Warner Bros. Discovery did to Leslie Grace’s Batgirl is disgraceful,” said Snyder, speaking from his living room in a brief pre-roll clip at the start of the uploaded video. “That’s why I’ve decided to immediately un-shelve my own personal rendition of this story, titled Zack Snyder’s Batgirl: The Version Hollywood Never Wanted You To See, which obviously wouldn’t even have such a truthful title like that if I had to go through the traditional channels. And before anyone asks, let me answer the number one question on everybody’s minds: yes, it is in 4:3 aspect ratio.”
Fans quickly reacted to the upload with a mix of elation and confusion.
“Is this the Batgirl movie that was just killed by that merger? Why is Zack Snyder playing basically every character?” said one commenter, TheDorkKnight67. “Also it sounds like half the time the camera is being held by one of his kids and I can hear them whining in the background of every other shot. Still, I guess this is better than no Batgirl movie at all. I’m just glad it doesn’t have any Killing Joke stuff, but I’m only four hours in so there’s a decent amount of time left.”
Executives at Warner Bros. Discovery say they are nonplussed by Snyder’s move despite the popularity of his version of the film.
“We wish Mr. Snyder the best of luck in his endeavors, but ultimately we just like not paying taxes more than we like releasing comic book films,” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav. “I just hope for his sake that his channel isn’t monetized — from the looks of his view count already, he’s going to be in for a world of hurt come April of next year. I wouldn’t want to be that guy’s H&R Block tax professional, what a headache!”
At press time, Snyder was beside himself with confusion after scrolling through thousands of angry comments demanding that he release the Snyder cut of Zack Snyder’s Batgirl.
REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo shocked the gaming world today by announcing that they’re going to be sending guys out to collect everybody’s 3DS’s next year once the servers go offline.
“I’m really sorry, we should have mentioned that part sooner, that’s on us,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser at a press conference this morning. “But yeah, come March 27, 2023, one of our guys is gonna be coming by, and I really suggest you give him your 3DS. Anyone that’s agreed to our terms and services in the last few years has fully agreed to participate in this process as well as waiving any right to litigate over any physical damage that may come from the altercation, should the situation escalate.”
Gamers were shocked by Nintendo’s announcement.
“Wait, I thought I was still going to be able to use it, there just wouldn’t be online servers anymore,” asked Ed Campbell, a 3DS owner that still plays the handheld system frequently. “But if I understand what they announced today, a big scary man is coming over and if I don’t have it, they’re going to ‘take me outside.’ What does that mean? Oh man, I knew I should’ve never signed up for StreetPass. Now they know where I live!”
Many in gaming media were less surprised with Nintendo’s latest controversial announcement.
“Not even the weirdest thing they’ll do this year, just watch,” said Liz Mahoney, a games journalist. “Whether it’s being absurdly behind the times in most aspects of console gaming, or continuing to pick fights with fervent fanbases of their games, Nintendo just always finds some unique way to be completely frustrating. They’re really world class assholes.”
“Still though, they got Mario and Zelda,” she added. “What are ya gonna do?”
As of press time, someone asked Bowser what would be happening to the remaining WiiU’s in circulation and got a big laugh.
