MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber and adventurer Mario Mario has come under attack on social media after teens and 20-somethings discovered an old video of him stomping on a guy’s head.
“This-a you?” read several thousand tweets, linking to a video from 1985’s Super Mario Bros. in which Mario stomps on a goomba’s head in response to a post from Mario saying “it’s-a me, Mario!” earlier today.
“Absolutely fucking embarrassing that people defend this clown. Literally stomped on so many guy’s heads, but oh, he’s a really great go-kart driver, so we’re supposed to just pretend it never happened? News flash: it literally hasn’t stopped,” said a Tiktoker who went viral with a series of videos on the subject. “I’m just absolutely done with this shit. Straight up: if you’re a video game character who started working before like 2015, I do not trust you.”
Members of other generations, however, have been softer on the famed Italian athlete.
“I totally get the righteous anger here, but these kids gotta understand that it was a very different time in the 1980s. And sure, he’s still stomping on guys’ heads today, but that’s besides the point. We all have cobwebs in our closets — I’m the first to admit I laughed my ass off when Kirby ate all those guys in the early ’90s — so I just worry it’s a slippery slope,” said Crash Bandicoot, who kept referring to himself as an “elder millennial” before chuckling. “First they came for Mario, and I did not speak up because I never stomped on a guy. But what if they come for me next?”
Following widespread criticism, Mario wrote an apology message in his notes app that he screenshotted and posted to Instagram and Twitter.
“This is not-a me. I am-a so embarrassed,” Mario said in the post. “I just-a want people to-a know that I would-a literally never do such-a thing. I mean-a I know I-a did in the video, but like it-a seems like a different person to-a me, because I’m so-a different and evolved now. I a-thank you for helping me-a grow, like I am-a eating a mushroom. I am-a always learning and I hope-a people check out-a my new movie, which a-comes out April 7, 2023! Let’s-a-go!”
At press time, Mario promised to donate 500 coins to an organization for protecting goombas, which, according to sources close to the information, was a request from Nintendo in order to keep being the star of its popular video game franchise.