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REPORT: You Can Move That Box to Get Up There

WASHINGTON — A new report from the Occupational Health and Safety Administration released today states that you can actually move that box in order to get to a higher platform or ledge.

“Workers should be properly trained in the ability to push a large metal or stone block around their workplace,” said OHSA Spokesperson Scott Carlson. “At minimum, scuff marks must be set on the floor to mark the path of the block, though we recommend installing sunken pathways with raised curbs throughout the workplace to manage the safe movement of blocks, boxes, and cubes.”

Many workers praised the new guidelines, declaring it a win for workplace safety and productivity.

“It used to be that in order to get up there when the ladder was broken, you needed to wait nearby for one of your buddies to give you a boost,” said contractor Ashley Fischer. “Now when my boss tells me to go put a treasure chest up on that balcony, I can just move this heavy stone block over and climb up. Of course, I always move it back to a random spot in the room afterward, just to be polite.” 

The new OHSA report lays out strict safety guidelines for the use of boxes, including push and pull force limits, keeping a proper distance when pushing a block from the higher level onto the ground floor, and recommending the use of tools like Power Bracelets or Pullcasters. 

“It can be difficult to see where you’re going while you’re pushing a 10-foot tall crate across the floor,” added Carlson. “It’s why we strongly urge workers to grunt loudly on each push to alert their coworkers. Even a soft-spoken ‘Damn, this is heavy’ can prevent a serious workplace injury.”

OHSA reminded workers to fill out an anonymous report if they see any unsafe or improper working conditions, such as workplaces using large statues instead of blocks, blocks requiring the use of animals or creatures to move, or just having blocks around that can’t be moved for some fucking reason.