Personality Quiz Reveals You Could Never Be a Sonic Character

Posted on by Gabe Porter

Sonic the Hedgehog has a huge cast of iconic characters. From the titular Sonic with his cool and carefree personality, to his friends like Knuckles, whose hot-headedness might remind you of yourself. It’s only natural to think that your personality could match up with one of the colorful critters.

Unfortunately, you aren’t even half the person most Sonic characters are and you never could be.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think otherwise? Did you really expect to be Sonic? He’s a goddamn hero who has saved the world more times than he can count. What are you doing? Taking a quiz, trying to reach some labored form of self-understanding through an online quiz telling you which ’90s video game character you are. Sonic overcomes world-ending catastrophes every other Tuesday, while you get into Twitter arguments about how long his quills should be.

“Well, maybe not Sonic, but I could be Tails!” I hear you say. Yes, Tails, the 8-year-old genius with a pilot’s license. Don’t kid yourself. Tails has the courage to never give up and follows Sonic through even the most dangerous situations. You couldn’t even finish typing up that text to your friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Tails wouldn’t let his fear of an awkward social situation stop him, unlike you. Not to mention, you don’t even have one tail, let alone two.

Let me guess, do you think you’re Shadow? You wish. His emotional immaturity is due to seeing his only family murdered in front of him. Yours is because you were placed in gifted classes.

 I see you scrambling around, trying to find even a side character that you could slip into. Blaze? Nope. Vector? Nope. Big? Big The Cat? Are you kidding me? Not a fucking chance. Big has an unmatched fishing ability and has an undying dedication to his friend Froggy. You have nothing like that. You’re just some guy.

Now get out of here before you start trying to figure out what Mario character you are. You’re Yoshi.

Latest Nintendo Terms of Service Agreement Entitles Them to Sue Your Family Long After Your Death

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Gamers have noticed language in the latest Nintendo terms of service agreement which apparently grants the gaming giant the right to sue your immediate family for any copyright infringements well after you are dead and gone, sources have confirmed. 

“It’s pretty wild when you get into it,” said Wesley Baker, a gamer who first discovered the troubling language in the agreement and shared his findings online. “I mean, I’m not sure how other companies handle this sort of thing, but ‘Nintendo has the right to harass, pester, and straight up sue anyone you, the user, are related to or associated with. This will be done at the exclusive cost of the most poverty-stricken of you, the user’s immediate family. It doesn’t matter one bit to us whether you are dead or not.’ I mean, damn, man. Seems like a lot. I still clicked ‘I Agree,’ but damn.” 

Nintendo defended the oddly specific terms of their latest user agreement. 

“We here at Nintendo know our decisions aren’t always popular, but we do what we must to maintain our brand’s integrity,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, of his company’s controversial policy. “If that means suing your grown grandchildren that you never even got the chance to meet into the ground because you made an edit to the dialogue of A Link to the Past and shared it with your friends, well then, I’m afraid that’s the cost of being a wholesome game company.” 

“That is owned in part by Saudi Arabia,” he added. “Oh, I’m not sure why I said that. You don’t have to print that part.” 

Legal experts say that the move itself isn’t unprecedented, but the language and tone certainly are. 

“Sadly, sometimes people die with legal affairs that still aren’t in order,” said Angela West, a contract attorney explained. “However, for Nintendo to go on and on like they do here in Section C, Article 4 here, how they reserve the right to ‘Sue into absolute oblivion anyone related to anyone you’ve ever loved if you even so much as Tweet a picture of Mario in the wrong colored outfit.’ I think that’s a bit excessive, myself. I never realized Nintendo had this mean streak in them. Aren’t they the wholesome one?”

As of press time, Nintendo had announced a lucrative lawsuit against Hard Drive and me specifically. Damn. 

The Most Early-2000s Thing About ‘Better Call Saul’ Is How Goddamn Hard It Is to Watch Online

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

The much-anticipated series finale of Better Call Saul airs tonight on AMC and if you want to watch it as soon as possible to avoid spoilers, it’s going to cost you. Heads up: you also shouldn’t read the last paragraph of this article if you’re looking to avoid spoilers for the newest season of the show.

I, like many people my age, never got a cable box after moving out of my parents. I stopped watching Better Call Saul in 2017 because it was too inconvenient to keep up with as new episodes dropped. With the final season catching some buzz, I decided to restart the show and catch up with everything they had on Netflix. 

And yet, when I went to seek out where I could subscribe to watch the newest episodes only to find AMC+, a service that should not even exist, lets you watch the latest episodes with commercials. But that’s just it though… the latest episodes. As in like only the last three to air even though there is nearly a full season 6. Not to mention, the app barely exists on most devices — sorry to anyone who’s still using a dusty PS4 to watch all their movies and TV.

It seems like the only way to catch up on Better Call Saul, or watch each new episode as it airs without a cable box, is to buy the full season online for $25 through Amazon or YouTube, but that comes with its own flaws. On Amazon, the episodes don’t drop until midnight EST, instead of at 9 p.m. when they are on television. And on YouTube, well, if you want to see some of the saddest comments in the world, check out each Better Call Saul episode from this season to see people begging for the new episode to drop sometimes as late as 12 hours after the show aired on television — and keep in mind, these are people who are probably scrolling past spoiler-filled thumbnails as they search “Better Call Saul” in the app over and over again every Monday night.

Despite Better Call Saul being heralded as one of the greatest television shows of all time (or at least one of the best of the ten thousand shows currently airing), AMC seems to be doing everything they can to promote the show besides just making it accessible. Back during the midseason finale, this was a real tweet from the marketing team.

No marketing account should be using the call-to-action “Set those DVRs” in 2022. No one has heard the term DVR in over a decade. If you have, it was probably in an episode of Better Call Saul set in 2005 with Jimmy McGill saying, “Hey, remember DVRs?”

Of course, you can be patient. Wait for the final season to hit Netflix in a year or so. Though no amount of Twitter muting can protect you from fans firing spoilers through your feed like a bullet through Howard Hamlin’s head. So if you’re looking to catch up on the season before it ends tonight, I hope you have an Amazon gift card or a nice friend like me you can borrow a password from. 

Marvel Pays Heartwarming Tribute to Chadwick Boseman by Inscribing “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever – In Theaters November 11” on His Tombstone

Posted on by Simon Bower

LOS ANGELES — In the aftermath of the release of the emotional first trailer for Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Marvel has made the touching gesture of engraving the film’s upcoming release date on the late actor’s headstone.

“Chadwick’s passing was a devastating loss for his family, his friends, and our fiscal projections for next quarter,” remarked Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, wiping a tear from his eye. “This tribute is just a small step towards healing those wounds. Well, one of them anyway.”

Feige emphasized that honoring Boseman’s legacy in a tasteful and buzz-generating way was Marvel’s top priority.

“He was just such an incredible actor and provided unforgettable performances in some exceptional films: Black Panther, Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: Civil War…yeah, I think that was all of them,” a somber Feige recalled. “As long as we have monetization streams built upon his work, Chadwick will never truly be gone. He’ll live on in your Disney+ suggestions for decades to come.”

Fans of the deceased actor have been quick to remark on how seeing the newly updated tombstone has touched their hearts and wallets.

“At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see Wakanda Forever. Boseman was such a big part of what I loved about the first film, and honestly the marketing has felt a little exploitative at times,” one skeptical fan said. “But when I saw the part further down that said ‘if you don’t see this movie then you’re the one that killed him’ scrawled in hand-chiseled letters, I guess I just got this eerie otherworldly chill that the only way I could pay my respects was by buying a ticket. It’s what Chadwick would have wanted, I guess?”

At press time, Marvel has since announced the formation of T’Challa Forever Foundation, a charitable organization aimed at raising money to insert a lifelike digital reproduction of Boseman into future MCU projects.

Prophecy Didn’t Mention That Hero Would Spend Five Hours Stuck On Puzzle

Posted on by Gabe Porter

NORTHWICK, Ancient Lands — Residents of the Ancient Lands who have been waiting centuries for the arrival of local hero Giroldus Darksbane are dismayed that there was no mention in their ancestral prophecy that he would spend five hours stuck on a basic rock-sliding puzzle required to gain access to the shadowy dungeon on the edge of town, sources say.

“We have been surveying Lord Darksbane for his entire journey, and I’ve gotta say we’re all starting to get pretty bummed out,” said town elder Ebras Odisorin. “The prophecy foretold that our daring hero would bring about an era of peace, but it didn’t say anything about the equally long era of puzzle-solving before that. I don’t know what the Gods were doing while doling out divine gifts and prophetic visions, but they really missed the mark in terms of wisdom with this one.”

The supposed hero is still trying to pass the puzzle and continue on his journey.

“I’ve tried every single combination of rock arrangements,” an exhausted Darksbane confessed. “I had it going clockwise and that didn’t work, counter-clockwise was also a no-go. I’ve even tried forcing my body through the cracks between the rocks. I was certain my body would fit, I mean, just look at the size of the gap! I think if I can’t figure this out in the next ten minutes I might just give up on this place and go try to save another realm instead.”

The evil warlock Quintus Ash is conflicted by the recent delay in the hero’s ascension to power.

“It’s been boring waiting around for that guy to figure out the rock thing,” Ash said while decimating a town with his staff, “I feel like I’ve won, but I never really expected I would. I had my dying monologue all ready and everything! Maybe I could’ve become a recurring nightmarish threat to his bloodline via reincarnation, but that’s all out the window if he can’t even kill me once in the first place. Well, at least now I know what world domination feels like! Not bad!”

At press time, The Gods have announced they are updating the prophecy to include that some heroes may not get too far and give up.

Libraries Nationwide Swarmed With Precocious Teens Trying to Unbury Small Town Secrets

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

LOBELIA, Maine  — In a quest to right the injustices of the past and participate in the venerable tradition of solving a mystery with your closest friends before going off to college, teenagers nationwide have begun swarming their local libraries in an attempt to unbury small town secrets.

“I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen so many teenagers desperate to get into our little microfiche room,” said Nadine Carlton, a librarian at the Challis Community Library. “I just wish I had a better idea of how to help them. They’re mostly asking for newspapers and yearbooks from ‘a long-ass time ago,’ to use their words. A couple have even asked if I know of anything strange that happened here. I suppose there was that one thing… oh, but I was just a girl then… in any case, it’s delightful to see kids taking an interest in local history!”

Many of these teenagers, however, feel as if their research into the sordid secrets of their community has already hit substantial roadblocks.

“Most of these old newspapers are so boring. It’d be so much easier if I could just ctrl+f phrases like ‘ritual sacrifice’ or ‘no survivors,’ but instead I’ve spent days reading nothing but mundane evil political stuff,” said Michelle Quan, 17. “I’m not giving up, though. There’s no way some truly fucked up shit hasn’t happened here. We’re literally in Maine.”

While most members of the community were supportive of this summertime trend, there were a few who were perturbed.

“Don’t these kids have summer homework to do? Why don’t they get jobs if they have so much free time?” said local sheriff Lorn Holston while on his fifth lap around the library in his squad car. “All I’m saying is it’s wrong to muck around in the past like this. My family taught me to have some respect for history. There are just some things that should stay buried.”

At press time, Sheriff Holston was unavailable for comment after a 10th grader uncovered old photographs linking his family to a string of unexplained and supposedly cult-related disappearances in the ’70s and ’80s.

Guy Who Only Plays Games Called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Pumped for New One This October

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A local guy who insists on only playing games called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is really excited about a new one coming out this October, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh yeah, Rodney’s so happy there’s a new C.O.D.M.W. 2 coming out,” said Curtis McCoy, best friend of the guy in question. “I’ve been trying to get him to play other stuff with me, even other Call of Duty stuff. But Rodney’s got a strict thing that he likes, and that’s specifically games called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. He doesn’t even care that there’s games like Modern Warfare 3 and Advanced Warfare out there, he just says he likes what he likes.” 

“He did get into Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Campaign Remastered a couple of years ago when they put that out,” he added. 

The guy who only likes games called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2’s mother said that her son’s always had very specific tastes. 

“That’s just the way Rodney’s always been,” said Barbara Ackner. “He always wanted the same exact breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He always wore the same hat. Stuff like that. Lord knows there’s so much going on in this world all the time it’s nice to have to make a few less decisions once in a while. I was trying to find a movie on HBO Max the other night and after 45 minutes I just went to bed. So I guess I get it.” 

When asked for comment, Rodney Acker didn’t think his tastes were as bizarre as some have claimed. 

“Yeah, I’ve been waiting for a new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 ever since 2009’s Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2,” he said. “Nothing else had ever really clicked with me before that game, so it was a done deal after that. People can make fun of me for what I like all they want, I’ll literally never know or care, so it feels like a waste of their time, but whatever. If anyone has a problem with me, they can come find me in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Then we’ll see what’s up.” 

As of press time, Rodney’s brother who only plays games that are Resident Evil 4 was reportedly really excited about the upcoming Resident Evil 4 remake.

YouTuber Starts Separate Channel Just for Apology Videos

Posted on by Michael Gursky

LOS ANGELES — Following a cavalcade of off-the-cuff apology videos for everything from offending ferret owners to dating a minor, YouTube-lifestyle-vlogger-slash-prankster-extraordinaire David Patterson, also known as SuperVGMan64, has reportedly started a second channel, “David Patterson Apologies,” where he says all future apology videos addressed to his fans and the online community at large will reside.

“Hey y’all, welcome to the new official home of David Patterson apology videos, and I’m so sorry for whatever has brought you here,” said Patterson in the pinned video on his new channel while sitting atop a dirt bike in the middle of the unfurnished $6.5 million Beverly Hills Estate he rents with five other influencers. “For example, I’ll probably have to put out another apology next week when I drop my ‘buying unwanted cosmetic surgeries for the homeless’ prank, so you’ll probably be able to find that here when it drops. I figured it’d be best to just launch a channel specifically for apologies to you pussy ass bitches. I’m sorry for calling you pussy ass bitches just now, by the way.”

Patterson, who started his original channel in 2019 and rapidly gained over 1 million subscribers in only three months, says that he attracted fans originally through his charmingly boyish pranks, cute youthful look, inherited wealth, and the confidence he has to do whatever he wants with minimal repercussions as long as he delivers a halfhearted apology on camera afterwards.

“Within weeks of reaching the million-subscriber mark, I dropped my first big public apology video, ‘I’m Sorry, Black People,’ and the full-resolution version of that video will be uploaded to my new channel for posterity,” Patterson continued. “Next week we’ll also be re-uploading the official high res version of my second apology video, ‘I’m Also Sorry To Puerto Ricans.’ Neither video satisfied either community it was aimed towards, of course, but I hope everyone who’s still upset will like, subscribe, and most importantly comment on the videos so that way we can create a dialogue that will lead to rapid subscriber growth and more organic reach for my content than ever.” 

Since his first two sorry videos, the controversial star has seemingly had to apologize to every marginalized community in video form one or more times. 89 of Patterson’s 103 uploads are apology videos, with the most-viewed video featuring him doing molly in a jacuzzi at an Aspen cabin while apologizing to people with depression. 

At press time, a new clip uploaded to Patterson’s apology channel noted that all upcoming apologies would be brought to you by Carl’s Jr.

Warner Bros Announces New 10-Year DCEU Plan: Maybe Get That Flash Movie Out Some Time

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Warner Bros Discovery outlined their new 10-Year Plan for the DC Extended Cinematic Universe earlier today, which is to get that Flash movie out there at some point, they say.

“Yeah, that’d probably be best,” said David Zaslav, president and CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery. “We should honestly get it out there before Ezra Miller kills somebody if we’re being honest. Because we really shouldn’t cancel any more extremely expensive projects this year.  So yeah, I don’t know. Next year, I guess? Does next year sound good to everyone? Does anyone know how much money we owe Michael Keaton?” 

Gathered reporters quickly asked Zaslav about other upcoming DC films that had been announced, such as Black Adam and Shazam: Fury of the Gods.

“Yeah, no, I don’t know,” he replied. “Those too, I guess. Why not?”

Fans of The Flash were excited to hear that the character’s long awaited feature film was DC’s top priority moving forward, although a bit skeptical about its eventual release. 

“Yeah, I will believe it when I see it,” said Vera Krause, a longtime fan of The Flash. “But it does kind of feel like we’re closer than ever. So that’s nice. I still worry, though. I mean, it seems like they canceled the Batgirl movie for no real reason whatsoever, so with how snakebit this Flash movie is, I don’t know, I’m fully prepared for it to never come out. At least it can’t ultimately disappoint me that way.” 

Analysts say that the announcement shows that DC is still struggling to keep up with Marvel’s cinematic universe. 

“It’s really bad timing, because Marvel just announced their next wave of movies and TV shows,” said Arthur Whitfield, an entertainment blogger. “And they’ve got some exciting stuff coming down the pipeline here. You look at DC, and there’s this Flash movie limping along, and I don’t know, more Batman stuff? Imagine that. We’re probably about due for another Superman reboot as well. Fucking yee-haw.” 

As of press time, Ezra Miller, star of The Flash, had been arrested in downtown Kansas City for impersonating a clergyman and selling counterfeit firewood.

It’s Over: Guy Playing Against You Brought His Own Controller

Posted on by Saad Khan

YOUR HOUSE — A guy asking to play Super Smash Bros. Melee  against you reportedly brought his own controller, spelling certain doom for your chances of victory. According to those familiar with the situation, you went to hand him the Player 2 controller only for him to shake his head, reach into a backpack in his possession, and pull out his own controller.

“Oh my god, did you see that thing? He’s probably one of those guys who knows about port priorities,” you said to yourself in a bathroom mirror while pretending to take a break to poop. “No casual player walks around with their own controller, especially not one as decked out as this guy’s. But I’m not worried. Not in the slightest. It’s going to take more than a fancy controller to beat me. For example, it is going to take Jigglypuff.”

Reports showed that your blood ran cold upon seeing the controller, which featured a completely unique color scheme, custom analog sticks, and even a well-worn pair of those back paddles that no one ever uses. Forensic evidence also suggested that the guy proceeded to hold the controller sideways using a grip you’d never seen before, utterly destroying any of your hopes of victory.

“You can never be too prepared,” said the guy who brought his own controller. “You never know when you’ll need to throw down; it’s my version of keeping a condom in my wallet. Not that I play all that much. I consider myself a casual player, but I absolutely need a controller set up to my exact specifications so I can adequately pull off the moves I need. I’m sure most people feel the same way.”

Witnesses on the ground shared that the match between you two wasn’t even close. You were barely able to get any hits in and your opponent kept you on the back foot, pulling off insane maneuvers you’d never seen in your life. Medical records obtained after the incident showed that the clacking of the back paddles continued ringing in your ears for several hours after your loss. You were never even sure they were legal.

At press time, you suggested switching over to Tekken, to which your opponent agreed before pulling out a custom fight stick.