Raid Announces Pikmin Spray

RACINE, Wis. — SC Johnson unveiled today a new product in their Raid line of pest control products designed to eliminate Pikmin infesting customers’ homes and gardens.

“Finding Pikmin in your home is bad enough. Trying to get rid of them? That’s no game,” said SC Johnson Director of Marketing Tory Walker. “We all know how frustrating it can be to get rid of those little multi-colored pests. But Raid’s new Ultra-Deadly Spray protects both inside and outdoor areas from all varieties of Pikmin. Even Purple Pikmin don’t stand a chance!”

Ultra-Deadly Spray is available both as an aerosol spray and as a bunch of little red balls that Pikmin can’t resist carrying away.

“I woke up last night and came down for a glass of water and what do I find? A bunch of Pikmin hanging out in my kitchen, sliding around on the little rails I set up and carrying away all my grapes,” said Ultra Deadly Spray user John Gaines. “Luckily I had some of this brand new Ultra-Deadly Spray which took care of them. Their screams almost woke my wife up!”

Pikmin creator Shigeru Miyamoto urged the company to discontinue production of the spray, citing unknown environmental consequences and cruelty to whatever kind of animal a Pikmin is.

“When I created the Pikmin, all I wanted was to bring my newfound love of gardening to as many people as possible,” said Miyamoto, staring out the window as a heavy Kyoto rain fell outside Nintendo headquarters. “I wonder now if they were simply too innocent to survive in our world. Maybe we deserve to be washed away.”

At press time, SC Johnson also announced a line of Pellet Decoys that kill every Pikmin instantly upon being returned to an Onion

Grizzled Nexus Modder Pulled Out of Retirement to Fix One Last Bethesda Game

LEXINGTON, Ky. 一 A former Nexus modder was called out of retirement to fix the latest bug-riddled masterpiece by popular game developer Bethesda Softworks, sources have confirmed. 

Nicholas Congin, 38, known in the Nexus modding community as D4rkXpl0it or “Xploit” for short, received his marching orders on Sep. 1 when Bethesda’s Starfield went into early access. His former colleagues in the Nexus community began spamming him with messages, begging him to “save” Starfield with his trademark blend of bug fixes and hardcore pornography.

“I started modding in 2010 with Fallout: New Vegas,” said Congin. “There were a couple game-breaking bugs that I fixed, like how none of the female characters had ginormous exposed breasts with realistic jiggle physics. Once ‘Massive Boobs Extreme + Bug Fixes 1.0’ went live, I finally put some respect on my name.”

Congin’s popularity grew as he modded 2011’s The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, adding volumetric weather affects, an improved inventory management system, and a penis-shaped sword named Cumslaught that could ejaculate fireballs. But when Congin attempted to add a compelling story and non-boring base building system to 2015’s Fallout 4, the process nearly broke him.

“Xploit was working on a really sexy mod that would’ve replaced Nick Valentine with Donkey Kong, but he just got burned out and bailed,” explained fellow modder Sh4d0wTh13f. “I didn’t think he’d mod again. That is, until I saw the long loading times and lack of full-on penetration in Starfield. I texted him, and he was like, ‘I saw. Already on it.’”

Bowing to peer pressure and popular demand, Congin set to work on optimizations for Starfield, including an improved upscaler, stabilized frame rate, and velvety smooth ass implants for Vasco the robot. Comments on his mods suggest that his fans are “able to run Starfield on a potato” and “blasting off in (their) pants” thanks to Congin’s contributions. 

Even Starfield game director Todd Howard is relieved to have Congin back in the community.

“At Bethesda we rely on unpaid modders to finish our games for us so that we can move on to our next paid projects guilt-free,” Howard explained. “Xploit is a big part of why I’m able to sleep comfortably at night. Plus, his Doja Cat Twerking Terrormorph mod doesn’t hurt.”

God Damn It: RPG Boss’s Arms And Legs Also Targetable

A DARK CAVE — During a long and drawn out boss fight that wasn’t yielding many results in the way of damage, a battle-weary RPG party quickly realized that the boss’ arms and legs were also targetable in addition to its head and main body.

“Oh my god, I just moved the cursor and it looks like we’re supposed to be hitting its arms and legs too,” said the plucky protagonist, gripping his sword in disbelief. “Instead of just wailing on its body with special moves, limit breaks, and triple attacks, now we have to focus on also taking out its appendages? And let me guess– they regenerate after a certain point and heal the main body too, don’t they? …Man, I can’t believe I broke my role as the silent protagonist for this.”

The stoic antagonist-turned-protagonist of the team chimed in with some thoughts on the revelation as well.

“…” said the stoic mage. “That’s ‘dot dot dot’, if anyone didn’t hear me. Heh– no matter. We’ll just keep killing that monster over and over. I won’t even need the princess’ healing magic or the ample amount of potions that restore a measly 20 HP either. And uh, nobody revive me if I fall in battle, either. You guys seem fully capable of finishing this if I can’t, so I’ll just… catch up with you all later.”

The boss in question, a large rock monster with an annoying fucking face, was maintaining firm control over the situation.

“LOL, I just love being fucking obnoxious, honestly”, said the boss, a floating torso with appendages that animated just enough to look like separate targets. “I’m surprised they didn’t pick up on it after I kept using my left leg to do a powerful sweeping kick to attack the whole team. It was so funny watching them heal over and over, scrambling around trying to figure out why I wasn’t dead yet. Sometimes I think I’m only like this because I didn’t get enough attention growing up, but for now, I’m gonna keep being unnecessarily aggro.”

At press time, the boss’s arms and legs were simultaneously defeated, allowing the RPG party to wail on its main body until it slowly dispersed in mid-air turning into a wealth of EXP points.

‘Flappy Bird’ Guy Gets $12 Million Bill From Unity

Designer of 2002’s virally popular mobile game Flappy Bird, Dong Nguyne, has reportedly received a 12 million dollar bill from the developers of the Unity game engine, due to new retroactive installation fees they’ve implemented. 

“This doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Nguyen, who famously delisted the word-of-mouth hit after its popularity soared to unexpected heights. “I never wanted the trouble that came with having the most popular game of a given moment, and that was before these idiots started talking about charging someone every time their game was downloaded. Please just leave me alone! Also, I didn’t even use the Unity engine.” 

Executives from Unity defended the controversial decision to apply arbitrary fees to things like downloaded demos and reinstallations of previously played games. 

“You have to understand,” said Unity executive Marc Whitten. ”We’re trying to make as much money as possible here. We’re glad the kids are enjoying their hobby for children, but it’s paramount to all of our success that you stand back and let the grown ups manipulate the thing they’re passionate about in a way that prioritizes shaking people down for every fucking cent we can. We’re sorry if our dedication to capitalism has upset any of our developers. We’re very sorry you feel that way. We feel really bad about it.” 

As of press time, Unity had apologized for charging the Flappy Bird guy 12 million dollars, and also went ahead and released their next few public apologies pre-emptively, to stay ahead of things. 

Controversial Leak Reveals Microsoft Once Tried to Have Diddy Kong Killed

REDMOND, Wash. — A controversial leak revealing Microsoft’s internal conversations and plans has unveiled a startling discovery: the tech giant once attempted to hire a hitman to assassinate popular Nintendo character Diddy Kong. 

“And you’ll do it? You’ll kill that fucking monkey?” reads one of many damning email exchanges between Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer and an undercover agent he believed at the time to be a marksmen for hire. “If we can’t acquire these assholes, we’re gonna hit them where it hurts. And I don’t mean their wallet, I mean I want to torture and kill Diddy Kong and then see what happens the next time we offer to buy them. I want to be clear here, make sure he feels everything. Your money will be given to you upon completion.” 

Spencer quickly went into damage control mode after the leak went public. 

“Whoa, can’t you guys tell a joke when you read one?” Spencer asked gathered reporters in his front lawn this morning. “First of all, I don’t even think Diddy Kong is real. Why would I spend our hard earned money trying to kill a fictional character? Also, concerning that message where I say ‘Find out if that monkey is real or not and kill it if it is,’ that’s just my sense of humor. That’s how I kid around.” 

The shocking and illegal revelation overshadowed many other details about upcoming Xbox plans and products. 

“Wow, there’s so many cool things, like new systems and remastered games like Fallout 3 and Oblivion,” said local gamer Kyle Waters. “But I really can’t get past the fact that Microsoft thought they would somehow gain an advantage in the console space if they somehow had Diddy Kong murdered in cold blood. Those guys should just focus on console exclusives and keeping Game Pass good, if you ask me. Not trying to acquire and/or murder the competition.” 

As of press time, Spencer was seen joking with the reporters on his lawn that he had a gun in his waistband. 

Starfield How to Use Targeting Mode Guide

Now that you’ve got your best ship and armed it with the best ship weapons in Starfield, it’s time to make effective use of targeting mode in ship to ship combat. This Starfield guide will outline the prerequisites for the use of targeting mode, when and how to engage it, and what it looks like in action.

Targeting Mode Skill Requirement

The skill you need to use targeting systems in Starfield.

Prior to even being able to use targeting mode in combat, you will need to invest a single skill point into the Targeting Control Systems skill which is under the Tech tab. This will also allow you to participate in the Challenges that unlock the higher ranks.

When And How To Engage Targeting Mode in Starfield

Your primary motivation for using targeting mode is so that you can focus on the enemy ship’s engines, in order to disable and board it for plunder. Other than that there is no discernible reason to ever even use targeting mode over basic free aim. If you are presented with multiple targets, note that you’re going to have to settle on a single target to ultimately board, after destroying the rest. Also make sure that your selection has enough Hull hit points remaining to withstand the damage it will inevitably sustain from targeted strikes. If possible, lean on ship weapons that do Electromagnetic damage, since that is what disables systems in particular. Disable your auto Turrets as well, so that they don’t inadvertently destroy the enemy ship.

  • Use free aim to chip away at the enemy ship’s shield, which is the thinner bar above the Hull hit points bar.
  • When it’s gone, maintain the ship within your targeting reticle, and you will see a prompt to “Select Target”, as seen above. Press the relevant button prompt, and the system will begin a “Locking” progress meter, which is fairly quick, but can be sped up some more by ranking up in the Targeting Control Systems skill.
  • Once complete, another prompt to “Target Lock” will appear, as seen below. Press the relevant button prompt to enter targeting mode.

Targeting Mode In Action

The targeting system lets you choose which of the enemy ship’s modules to focus fire upon. Use the button prompts to swap between modules. Prioritize weapons systems to prevent return fire, and then use your own Electromagnetic weapons system to destroy the engines. It is entirely possible to accidentally destroy the ship during this process, so exercise restraint with fire controls.

And that’s how to make proper use of the targeting mode system in Starfield. Check out our guide on the best Companion to take along with you as you proceed to board the enemy ship for plunder.

Disney Adult Objects to Being Called Adult

ROCHESTER, N.Y.  — A local man objected to presumptions about his age after being called a “Disney Adult,” sources familiar with the situation have confirmed.

“‘Adult’ means grown-up, and grown-ups are mommies and daddies,” said a giggling Adam Wall, 35, as he sat in his highchair kicking his legs back and forth. “I’m not a daddy yet! I’m just a Disney baby! Maybe I’ll go to Never Never Land and live with Peter Pan and play games and fight pirates and be a little boy forever!”

Wall’s parents have grown increasingly distressed with his juvenile behavior.

“I know the housing and rental markets aren’t great, and we said he could stay with us as long as he wanted, but it’s becoming such a burden,” said Wall’s mother Janet, who added that she had hoped to retire three years ago. “Travel and accommodations for our tri-annual Disney World trips are just so expensive. I’d be thrilled if he would find a job, or even just a hobby besides this Disney stuff. Maybe then he could meet a nice girl who’s way too into Star Wars or something and they could settle down together.”

Mental health experts report that Wall’s case is not an isolated incident.

“The number of Disney adults displaying age dysmorphia has more than doubled in the last decade,” said Carole Goodwin, LMHC and doctoral candidate at the University of Central Florida. “Some of the individuals affected have children of their own and express the disorder by proxy, forcing them to wear Mickey Mouse onesies and only allowing them to watch classic Walt Disney animated movies. It’s a tragic, debilitating condition. We pushed for it to be included in the latest revision of the DSM V, but the chair is apparently close with Bob Iger.”

At press time, Wall was seen throwing a tantrum when his parents asked him to contribute to the Disney+ subscription after the price increases in October.

Gamer Spends Most of First Date Googling How to Get Best Ending

CHICAGO — Local software developer Gabe Williamson spent nearly the entirety of a recent first date scrolling through Google results on his phone trying to ascertain the best ending he could get, nosey restaurant patrons confirmed.

“He was on his phone practically the whole time,” said Melissa Schneider, Williamson’s patient date. “I would ask him a question, like, ‘What do you do for a living?’ and it was, like, boom, straight to the iPhone. I thought he was ignoring me, but after a few minutes, he would look back up, smile, and answer me. I don’t know why it would take him so long to remember that he was an investment banker who loved dogs and had a great relationship with his mother.”

Williamson explained that this behavior was not a nervous tic, but rather a conscious strategy.

“I just wanted everything to go well,” said Williamson, who added that he hadn’t heard from Schneider since the date. “I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and accidentally get locked out of any future content. I read a guide earlier in the day, but there’s a ton of dialogue options, so I couldn’t remember them all. When I searched for individual questions, most of the stuff I found was blogspam, so I had to scroll for a while before I found the right answer. I just wish I had made a new save file before I got to the restaurant so I could explore the other paths. I’ll never know what I missed out on.”

Experts have noted the proliferation of instructional romantic content on the internet over the last decade.

“There’s all sorts of dating advice online, and a lot of it can be useful if implemented wisely,” said Audrey Fischer, a relationship guru and self-help author. “Unfortunately, there’s a lot of junk out there, too. Less scrupulous outlets will steal content from other publications, copying and pasting it without context. Even worse, some websites are using AI to write completely nonsensical relationship guides. Sadly, computers are incapable of love.”

At press time, a review of Williamson’s search history revealed inquiries into how to “100%” a fulfilling and loving relationship.

Mustache Finger Tattoo Starting to Go Gray

DALLAS — A horrified 41-year-old man was horrified to discover that his novelty finger mustache tattoo had started to turn gray, sources have confirmed. 

“Man, you never think it’s gonna happen to your finger mustache tattoo,” said David Sanders, after discovering a few gray strands in the mustache inked into the inside of his first finger back in 2003. “I saw that Jim and Boner’s were both getting a little grey, and heck, Will’s just came off of his finger entirely, but I always thought mine was holding on strong. Oh well. Maybe the whole salt-and-pepper finger mustache vibe will be a good fit for me. Like George Clooney, if he had a stupid tattoo everyone was getting 20 years ago.” 

Doctors said more and more men are discovering grey hairs in their finger mustache tattoos, and that it’s a perfectly normal part of the aging process. 

“We know it can be freaky, but most finger mustache tattoos turn gray after a while,” said Dr. Peter Worthington, a local orthopedic doctor. “Sadly, not many tattoos or heads of hair keep their quality forever. Combining the two was always going to be a bad idea. If you’re sick of it, can you just use a razorblade and shave that layer of your skin off permanently? Why, yes. Yes you can.”

Friends of Sanders understood his mortified reaction to the tattoo. 

“I mean not only is it turned gray, which is so weird by the way,” said someone, a friend of his. “But it’s also a reminder of how annoying he was right when he got it back in the day. It was fun for a night, I guess, but he really could have achieved the same thing with a Sharpie, when you think about it. Maybe he could use one now to color it black again, actually.”  

As of press time, an embarrassed Sanders refused to take any pictures for the gathered press.

Pervert Zelda Boss Exposes Weak Point To Unsuspecting Subway Crowd

WASHINGTON — Over a dozen people were left perturbed after a living wraith, later identified as 4,096 year old dungeon boss Miegeinos, The Infinite Sovereign, unbuckled his cloak and exposed his weak point to fellow Green Line patrons Thursday evening.

“It was… definitely noticeable, I’ll put it that way,” local passenger Leah Aaronson reported. “Which I suppose is kind of the point. God, I bet he gets off on this. The little fucker was issuing dark portents and dread proclamations the entire time, too. Ugh. What a freak. And it nearly happened a second time, since someone was just jamming the A button to get through the dialogue and almost said ‘yes’ when he asked if we wanted to see it again.”

The Undying King was eventually subdued by another passenger after a brief physical altercation, in which Miegeinos was Z-Targeted and then struck repeatedly in the obvious weak spot.

“I mean, come on. The thing is just right there,” said Metro Transit chief of police Michael Anzallo. “It’s like the first thing you notice when you look at this creep. Nevermind the fact that it’s flashing red and yellow. I’m glad we got this pervert off the street. Mark my words, DC: he won’t be exposing his weak point to anyone no more.”

In a statement to the press, the not-fully-voiced King Of All simply laughed, while his text box declared ‘I have seen the premonitions, I know what the oracles say. Those ladies loved it and want more!’

As of press time, Miegeinos will be serving his sentence in the boss room of the Ossified Feretory, for five to ten years, or possibly earlier if the Hero Of Hope shows up with the Fluted Trident, the one item that can end the Desiccated Emperor’s reign over life and undeath, first.

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