Carlos Cadorniga, Author at Hard Drive

“I’ll Uh… Be Right Back,” Our Interview With Yoshihiro Togashi

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Kevin Podas

We spoke with legendary manga artist and notorious hermit Yoshihiro Togashi, the creator of Yu Yu Hakusho and Hunter × Hunter, to discuss his approach towards creativity and how that impacts his work ethic.

First of all, we just gotta know: is it ‘Hunter ECKS Hunter’ or ‘Hunter … Hunter’?

“It’s Hunter cross Hunter, actually. Just to spite everyone.”

Who is your favorite character in Yu Yu Hakusho?

“Kuwabara, obviously. I still resent my editors to this day for not letting me include him in the final story arc. Hunter × Hunter is a response to them, which is to say, ‘I do what I want, when I want, how I want it. Got that suckers?’”

We saw that you finally made a twitter account– with almost 3 million followers! Any chance we could get a follow back?

“I’m trying to keep my ‘following’ count kinda low. You know, at zero. Plus, I don’t really like satire very much.”

**You’re married to Sailor Moon creator Naoko Takeuchi– how did you two meet?**

“We were both workaholics when it came to making manga (laughter). We met at a workaholics anonymous meeting, actually.”

There’s an infamous photo out there of your living room. Is it still that messy?

“I did clean up, but then it got messy again. What’s the point of cleaning if it’s going to get messy again? Really makes ya think, huh?”

Are there any other manga authors out there who you are close with?

“A few, yeah. Like Masashi Kishimoto, the creator of Naruto. I let him steal a bunch of ideas from me every now and then, nobody seems to bat an eye so it’s all good.”

If you could choose any career in the world besides drawing manga, what would it be?

“I would be streaming video games online with the camera off, but that technology wasn’t available at the right time for me. It’s like that old saying goes: ‘Born too late to explore earth, born too early to explore space.’ This more or less applies to what I’m trying to say.”

There was recently a tribute exhibit honoring your legacy of work. Did you attend?

“No.”

**You’re very notorious for going on hiatus a lot. Hunter × Hunter has been running for many years, but you’ve oftentimes stepped away from publication for years at a time. Why is that?**

“A number of reasons, actually. Sometimes I have intense backpain, sometimes I want to play a new video game, and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. Don’t you ever get tired of writing bullshit satire articles like ‘what if Mario was real and he had a gun?'”

Fair point. How do you feel about your manga becoming worldwide sensations?

“People like my shit? Tight.”

A live-action adaptation of Yu Yu Hakusho has been announced by Netflix. One Piece was a success thanks to the creator’s involvement– will you be involved with production of the live-action Yu Yu Hakusho?

“Man, what do you think? Of course not. There’s a new Dragon Quest game coming out in the not too distant future and I need to have some time set aside for that. …And my family.”

So I think it’s pretty safe to say that you consider yourself to be an otaku?

“What? Ew, god no. I’m not an otaku, I’m simply an impassioned enthusiast of things that otaku also tend to enjoy. But no, I am not an otaku.”

Many have praised your use of worldbuilding in your stories. Would you consider yourself to be well-traveled?

“Yeah, well-traveled from my couch to the refrigerator! High five!”

When it comes to your work ethic, what inspires you to pick up the pen and draw?

“My editors blowing up my phone.”

**How do you feel looking back on your more forgotten, shorter-lived series Level E? Someone out there would probably be upset if we didn’t mention it.**

“Level E? What the hell are you talking about?”

**Are there any manga artists that you are not a fan of?**

“Yeah, that bastard Bill Watterson. I loved Calvin and Hobbes. Why did he have to end it? Why couldn’t he have have just gone on an ambiguous years-long hiatus?”

Hunter × Hunter came back from hiatus last year to much anticipation, and then it disappeared shortly after. Even Mr. Beast was in your corner responding to you on twitter. Is it over? Cancelled? Will it ever come back?

“I’ll uh… be right back.”

F-ZERO 99 Best Machine Guide: What is the Best Car to Use?

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Looking to use the best machine in F-ZERO 99? We’ve got you covered with our guide to the car you’re going to want to pilot in your race to the top of the 99-person pack! As of writing, there are 4 different machines available for players to choose from. Here’s how to decide the one that’s best for you!

What is the Best Machine in F-ZERO 99?

In our opinion, the best machine in the game is the Golden Fox. The quick boost charge time is unmatched by any other choice you have, giving you quite a lot of boost to work with every lap. Use this boost to break away from the pack and get a win! The machine has its drawbacks, though, mostly with its vulnerability to collisions. Getting hit by a car or a bad turn into the wall will cause you to bounce around the track like a pinball, burning your precious energy and possibly making you vulnerable to K.O. Overall, the Golden Fox takes a lot of skill to pilot well, but the risk will be worth the reward.

On the other hand, if you want the best F-ZERO 99 machine for beginner racers, you will likely be better off using the Wild Goose. This car is the most durable in the game, and isn’t easily thrown off by collisions. You can afford to get yourself into the action and be pretty rough, which can be helpful for charging your super boost meter and getting to the upper track. This car’s Achilles heel, though, is its low recharge rate. You’ll notice yourself getting a lot less energy per pit stop than other machines, which means you can’t boost as much as your competition. Overall, this is a great car to learn ropes, but you’ll likely want to switch over to the Golden Fox if you want to really pull away from the competition.

That’s all you need to know about the best machine in F-ZERO 99! While you’re here, check out our guide hubs for some of the best games in this packed year of gaming, Starfield and Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom!

50 PS1 Games Millennial Parents Should Force on Their Uninterested Kids

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Jacob VanGundy

My childhood memories are stuffed with afternoons spent with my parents forcing their nostalgia on me. Countless hours were lost watching Billy Jack and listening to Aerosmith, neither of which I’d chosen. The only thing that got me through those harrowing experiences was the promise that someday I’d be able to force the things I love on my own children in an act of petty, displaced vengeance. As my fellow millennials enter parenthood, I encourage them to sit their children down with these PS1 games to make them understand that the greatest console of all time is the one you had growing up.

1. Grand Theft Auto

A great way to trick your kid into engaging with your nostalgia is to present them with an older version of something they know. Your kid probably knows GTAV as a game where Twitch streamers pretend to be accountants. You’re going to blow their mind when you show them this top-down crime simulator and insist it’s the same game.

2. Final Fantasy VIII

With such a long-running, beloved, franchise it’s hard to present a Final Fantasy game that’s properly alienating for today’s children. If you show them VII they’ll think of the popular remake. If you show them IX they might gain an appreciation for the games that predate your nostalgia. Final Fantasy VIII hits the sweet spot of feeling dated without calling back to that Super Nintendo garbage your older brother likes.

3. Tekken 3

Tekken 3 is a great game to show your kids because you can complain about the franchise going 3D. Your kid will be so distracted by how annoying you are they won’t even notice you’re just spamming the same cheesy laser eye attack with Devil Jin.

4. Silent Hill

It’s important for your kid to know that if they fuse with a demon someday you won’t hesitate to take them out. Establish dominance by getting one of the bad endings, looking them in the eye, and saying, “Cheryl had to go.”

5. Metal Gear Solid

The best part about this one is that you’re going to have to explain memory cards to your kid when you get to the Psycho Mantis fight. That’s going to open the door for so many stories your kid won’t care about. Maybe you can even complain about your parents not buying you a memory card to make the kid understand how much better you are than grandpa and grandma.

6. Brave Fencer Musashi

Halfway through making your kid play this game, you’re going to realize you never actually played it, you just watched another kid play it in elementary school. Don’t let that stop you from calling it an underrated classic.

7. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2

This one will be an easy sell because it has Spider-Man in it. Little does your kid know the game also includes your long-winded explanation of both Tony Hawk and ska.

8. Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain

This game is how you prove to your child that you were cool and edgy as a kid. Make sure to point out that it was rated M but you played it when you were in 5th grade. Pretty cool right? You also watched an R-rated movie on your friend Andy’s birthday. No big deal. You were just cool like that.

9. PaRappa the Rapper

Just keep telling your kid that this is just what all rap sounded like in 1997. If they aren’t convinced you can break out your CD copy of Big Willie Style to prove it.

10. Syphon Filter

It’s literally impossible to explain to a child who’s seen modern games how crazy the flashlight was in Syphon Filter. Hype it up anyway like you’re back in 1999. Just keep saying, “This is going to blow your mind, there’s a flashlight in this game and it works like a real flashlight. It’s crazy.” Then get really indignant when they get to the dark parts and don’t react at all to the majesty of turning on a flashlight.

11. Twisted Metal

Your kid will be so psyched to finally understand the origins of the hit Peacock original series Twisted Metal. They’ll be the coolest kid in school when they show up with all that deep lore about the hottest show of 2023.

12. Monster Rancher

Honestly, if your kid doesn’t freak out when you show them how to get special monsters using different CDs they have no joy in their hearts. Put them up for adoption and make a new one, there’s no hope for that child.

13. Driver

When you show Driver to your kid they’re going to assume this is GTA even if you already made them play the original GTA. Don’t bother fighting them on it, just start calling it old GTA because that’s what it is now.

14. Resident Evil 2

Watching a child play Resident Evil 2 will give you plenty of opportunities to flex another crucial parenting skill: hypercriticism. “Stop wasting bullets on normal zombies.” “Why didn’t you write down that locker combination?” “No, you can’t just google the puzzle.” “Kids these days just don’t appreciate magnum bullets.”

15. Legend of Mana

The great thing about Legend of Mana is that half the mechanics don’t actually work how the game says they do. The only real way to understand what’s going on is by utilizing a comprehensive fan-made guide. That’s right, you finally get to introduce your kid to GameFAQs.

16. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

Silent Hill is the game you play to let your kid know you’ll take them down if they turn evil. This is the game you play to see how cool your kid will be murdering you if you turn evil. Whether that’s a good thing or not depends on how okay you are with becoming a vampire lord.

17. Ehrgeiz: God Bless the Ring

Ehrgeiz is the perfect game to force on your kid because unless you’re a fan of Final Fantasy VII it’s just an aggressively mediocre fighting game. Actually, now that Smash has Cloud and Sephiroth, even if you are a Final Fantasy VII superfan it’s hard to ignore how mediocre this game is. Maybe you’ll bond over being disappointed together.

18. Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit

The problem with racing games today is that they don’t have any attitude. I mean in this ’90s game you weren’t doing boring street races, you were trying to get away from murder-happy cops. What do you mean they’re still making Hot Pursuit games?

19. Suikoden II

The PS1 Suikoden games are getting remasters soon so you have a limited window of time to justifiably force the originals on your kids. How will they appreciate all the quality of life improvements if they don’t suffer through the archaic elements of a 25-year-old game first?

20. Bushido Blade 2

You’re never going to beat your kid at a modern fighting game. Give up on that dream. Instead, make them play this weird one-hit-kill game from your childhood and obliterate them. Just make sure they understand that playing Highwayman is cheating because he has a gun. Why is he even in this sword-fighting game?

21. Crash Bandicoot

It’s essential to introduce your kid to Crash before big Nintendo gets to them. You can’t have your kid running around idolizing a plumber when they should be idolizing a furry with fingerless gloves.

22. Tenchu: Stealth Assassins

Ninjas were everywhere in the ’80s and ’90s. Now there’s only Naruto. It’s an indictment of our generation that we let that trend die because ninjas are fucking cool. Showing your kid Tenchu is the first step to bringing ninjas back.

23. Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together

We’re living in a golden age of tactical RPGs but these days they all have relationship systems and life sim elements. This game is all tactical thinking, RPG crunch, and politics. Are we trying to raise happy, well-adjusted, people here or are we trying to create the next Alexander the Great?

24. MediEvil

Like most late ’90s media, this game is just a blatant attempt to cash in on Tim Burton’s whole deal. If we don’t teach the children our history they’ll be doomed to repeat it.

25. The Fifth Element

Speaking of not repeating the past, it’s important to make your kid play some truly dogshit games based on great movies. The Fifth Element is the perfect choice for this valuable lesson.

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Leisure Suit Larry Removed from Performance of Beetlejuice Musical

Posted on September 17, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

DENVER — Known sex pest and former video game star Leisure Suit Larry was reportedly removed from a recent performance of the Beetlejuice musical at The Buell Theater for conducting lewd acts in the audience, sources have confirmed.

“I couldn’t believe what that pervert was doing next to me,” said an audience member from last night’s performance. “He kept bumping into me in the dark, and so I shined my cell phone light at him and he was fully slapping his dick around right there in the audience! I couldn’t believe it. What kind of sicko does that? It didn’t even seem like he was enjoying it, he was just knocking it back and forth like it was some kind of sick game to him. I can’t believe that fucking freak has any fans at all, to be honest. His whole schtick is appalling.”

Following the removal of Leisure Suit Larry, The Buell Theater issued a public statement that contained a plea for sexual restraint amongst ticketholders.

“[W]e really can’t believe we have to say this next bit,” the statement read in part. “But due to multiple recent incidents, we at The Buell Theater advise all ticketholders to upcoming Beetlejuice shows maybe get their rocks off before they leave the house, or at the very least before they take their seats. The rampant sexual activity in the audience lately has sadly deterred from what we feel is a really good show! To anyone that is thinking of coming to see Beetlejuice: We swear, a lot of people are watching the show and enjoying it. They’re not all getting busy out there in the dark.”

As of press time, Leisure Suit Larry had indicated that he still intended to seek a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives in 2024 despite the controversy.

Man Slowly Realizing Childhood ‘Nintendogs’ Cartridge Didn’t Go To Farm Upstate

Posted on September 17, 2023 by Gabe Porter

Cincinnati, OHIO — Donovan Henry has reportedly been inching closer to realizing that his beloved copy of Nintendogs from his childhood did not, in fact, end up at a farm upstate, sources have confirmed.

“I was reminiscing about my childhood, as most adults my age do, and remembered how much I loved playing with all my virtual dogs,” Henry said. “I remembered when I lost it and how sad I was. Fortunately, my parents told me that it merely ran away and was playing with all the other lost DS games and just picturing my copy of Nintendogs living its best life, frolicking with all the other games I’ve lost. Well, it just put a smile on my face. However, I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, there isn’t a magical farm that has all my DS games, and it’s truly gone forever. And it’s also been almost two decades, so that thing’s most definitely dead either way.”

Henry’s parents are surprised their son is still focused on this event.

“I was pretty sure he knew it was bullshit when I first told him, so it’s nice to know my lies are pretty effective.” said Marc Henry, Donovan’s father. “It was just too hard to admit that we got the game all wet, and we really didn’t want to shell out however much it’d be to fix it. So, we wracked our brains and came up with the best excuse we could find – that the game had escaped and went to live on a farm. Can’t believe it stuck.”

Nintendog Whisperer Cesar Bari expressed that this is all too common an occurrence.

“Yes, it’s deplorable when a parent cannot tell their child the truth.” Bari said. “Be it them accidentally running the cartridge over, or just losing it during a big move, parents will try and soften the devastating blow that all your pets are gone forever and you have to restart your file. Some will try and get a new cart, but this is even worse. Kids can always tell with that kind of stuff. Believe me, I tried.”

As of press time, Henry was seen calling used game stores upstate and asking them to describe the used Nintendogs cartridges they had over the phone.

Mattel Executives Would Rather Make Movie About Slinky Than Another Movie About Women

Posted on September 17, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — A bidding war over the rights to an upcoming Slinky movie has revealed that Mattel executives are prioritizing telling more stories about toys over telling more stories about women, sources have confirmed.

“Well, yeah, they’re Mattel, what do you expect them to do, have significant female characters in every movie they produce,” asked local filmgoer Harrison Smith. “Besides, that Polly Pocket movie is gonna be full of chick stuff. I don’t think everything necessarily has to be a feminist screed, you know? Let me and the boys have our Slinky movie, and keep your lousy politics out of it!”

Many female Slinky fans admitted that they felt slighted by the upcoming film’s decidedly male-friendly tone.

“All of the early promotional material just makes me sick,” said Laura Meyer, a female Slinky fan. “The only female character I could spot in that trailer was the nagging wife in the background urging her husband to stop playing with that awful invention of his that was never going to work out. There’s no way it happened like that, right?”

The film, expected to release next summer, is gearing up to potentially be one of the year’s biggest.

“We all saw what happened with Barbie,” said Louis North, an executive with Mattel. “And I think the takeaway was obvious: people want movies about toys. They don’t care who’s in it, or what it’s about, they just want movies based on stuff they liked as kids. That’s why those G.I. Joe movies always do so well. Battleship too, for that matter.

As of press time, Mattel revealed that it was actually Andy Serkis portraying Betty James, wife of slinky inventor Richard, in the film’s trailer.

Mario Ambassador Charles Martinet Forced to Hide in Mario Land Embassy After Mass Koopa Troopa Riots

Posted on September 17, 2023 by John Danek

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Former voice actor and new United States Mario ambassador Charles Martinet is currently hiding in the basement of the embassy due to mass Koopa Troopa riots, the State Department reported.

“It’s-a me, Charles! And I’m-a scared shitless!” yelped Martinet to reporters via satellite, after mere days in his new position as US ambassador. “I thought this would be a healthy way to channel my rage at being cast aside for that dickhead Chris Pratt, but I didn’t realize how unstable the greater Mario Land region is. Koopa Troopas across the land are violently rioting and setting go-karts on fire nationwide. I’m about to triple jump out of here faster than you can say ‘Let’s-a go!’”

A community organizer from the Koopa Troopa committee explained some of the motivations behind the unrest.

“Bowser hasn’t increased our wages from ‘1 golden coin per shift’ since 1985; unsurprisingly, this summer’s negotiations failed to produce a raise,” said Gary Shelldon, foreman of #7 Larry’s Castle in The Valley of Bowser. “And yet Mario earns so many coins, he has to convert his into extra lives. Income inequality is hurting people all across the world. Koopas stand in solidarity with the WGA, UAW, and the Bokoblins who are set to authorize a strike tomorrow.”

Former State Department employees offered words of wisdom and guidance to Ambassador Martinet.

“Yikes, I do not envy Charles’ position. You make one little slip-up at an embassy and people never let you hear the end of it!” remarked former Secretary of State and current infrequent podcaster Hillary Clinton. “But my best advice I can give Ambassador Martinet is to keep your head down, stay true to yourself, and always keep a bottle of hot sauce in your purse in case you get interviewed by an urban market morning radio show.”

Reports out of the Mushroom Kingdom indicate that the situation is worsening, as a reactionary group of Goombas have apparently stormed Bowser’s Castle and took selfies in Ludwig Von Koopa’s throne.

Even Decepticons With UAW on This One

Posted on September 17, 2023 by Will Carnevale

WAYNE, Mich. — As the United Auto Workers union kicks off its historic strike against “Big Three” automakers Ford, General Motors, and Stellantis, workers have been met with some unexpected support from the infamous faction of Cybertronian Transformers known as the Decepticons.

“It’s one thing for my own underlings to follow my every command without question or reward,” explained Megatron, intergalactic warlord and leader of the Decepticons, “for my power is unmatched, and to fail me is to invite suffering and death. But in your society, a ‘boss’—even a ‘chief executive officer’— is still just another fleshling. A frail figurehead astride a machine that can run without them. And if I am known for nothing else on this planet, I will always value machines over humans.”

GM CEO Mary Barra resents Megatron’s characterization of her fellow Big Three chiefs as being unworthy of their millions in compensation and authority over their workers’ lives, and stands by her approach to the negotiations and company leadership more broadly.

“Our employees do make the products we sell, and they deserve something, I guess,” Barra said in a GM showroom, surrounded by cars many working Americans can no longer afford. “But without keeping their wages low and productivity high, how can we expect to make the billions a year in profits that they each get a generous 0.0001% of, while also ensuring that I personally get over $27 million in bonuses? That’s what it means to be on this side of the table, and I would think a ruthless tyrant who tears his opponents in half to exert his will would have a little more empathy for us.”

While walking the Ford Michigan Assembly Plant picket line alongside both humans and Cybertronians, UAW President Shawn Fain thanked the Decepticons for putting their destructive ambitions aside to reiterate their longtime support of Earth’s auto workers.

“Our members have always been proud to have interplanetary visitors like the Transformers take on the appearances of the vehicles they work so hard to make,” Fain said, barely audible over the sound of Decepticon lieutenant Starscream skywriting “#StandUpUAW” overhead in jet form. “But to see them all here instead of blowing up cities or each other is something else. We had Optimus and the Autobots come out for us early on in our negotiations, and now with the Decepticons joining us as well, I think that says everything you need to know about the importance of getting a fair contract.”

Megatron and Autobot leader Optimus Prime have reportedly agreed to a ceasefire for the duration of the strike, at least within the vicinity of UAW pickets—though Decepticon Barricade was seen kicking out one of Autobot Bumblebee’s Camaro taillights, with the Decepticon claiming it was just an act of defiance against Chevrolet’s parent company GM.

Hasan Minhaj Insists His Uncle Was Attacked at Nintendo

Posted on September 16, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Comedian Hasan Minhaj insisted today in a new hour-long comedy show entitled Nintendos and Nintendonts that his uncle, an employee of Nintendo, was attacked as a result of Hasan’s questioning of powerful people.

“And yeah, I like to criticize those in power, and that’s all well and good when it only comes back to me,” Minhaj explained, pausing for dramatic effect in front of a PowerPoint slide of a man being smacked over the head with a Nintendo GameCube. “But my uncle, man. He was just working at his job one day at Nintendo… and he told one of his co-workers that he showed me a picture of the upcoming blue Pikachu called ‘Pikablu’ and they attacked him for it! They beat this man within an inch of his life just because of his association with me. And I’m so thankful that he survived…. But to know, the fact that I’ve criticized Nintendo’s litigious nature on my television show and someone I love was hospitalized as a result…. It’s fucked up. But that’s America, right?”

“And at the hospital, leaning over my bloodied uncle, holding the very real Pikablu cards in my hands that he gave to me as inside information he learned as a Nintendo employee…” Minhaj continued, “my wife ran up to me and said ‘Hasan! You have to stop! You have to stop criticizing powerful people! You have a family to look after!’ But I looked into Pikablu’s eyes and I knew… I couldn’t just stop.”

Despite rave reviews for the special, some have criticized the story as untrue.

“We have no evidence of Hasan Minhaj’s uncle working at Nintendo at all, let alone any evidence of someone at the company being beaten nearly to death by a GameCube,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “Also, I’m pretty sure he’s talking about the Pokémon Marill, which came out in the ’90s. There’s no such thing as Pikablu. I get that comedians often stretch the truth, but to show a picture of my face in the middle of a live comedy show with the text ‘monster’ written over my head was a bit much, if you ask me.”

As of press time, Minhaj admitted that the story was an exaggerated version of real events, and that there was still a very real “emotional truth” of what it was like imagining if a Pikachu could be blue.

Halo Marine Trades In Warthog For 2019 Dodge Charger

Posted on September 16, 2023 by Nick Lundquist

CAIRO STATION — As the Human-Covenant war rages on, a UNSC marine has reportedly traded in their standard issue M12 Force Application Vehicle, better known as the Warthog, for a 2019 Dodge Charger, sources have confirmed.

“Look, I just got my first payment and I’m gonna spend it how I want,” said Private Chips Dubbo, standing proudly beside his Octane Red Charger. “The warthog is classic, but does it have a supercharged 6.2-liter V8 engine with over three hundred horsepower? Can it go zero to sixty in 6.0 seconds? Not even a Spartan could do that shit. You think I joined the space marines to shoot aliens with a rocket launcher? I mean, yeah, that was a part of it. But the main reason was to get this sick whip on the military’s dollar.”

Dubbo’s commanding officer, Gunnery Sergeant Stacker, weighed in on his subordinate’s decision to flagrantly put military hardware towards a 533-year-old sports car.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” Stacker explained. “I don’t even know where he’s gonna keep the damn thing. This is an orbital defense platform. There’s nowhere to drive. And he’s paying like 30% interest too… It’s absurd. These local dealerships are robbing the United Nations Space Command blind”

One of Dubbo’s squadmates, Private Janet Adams, shared first-hand insight into the long-term plans for the luxury vehicle currently sitting in impound.

“He’s a fucking idiot, dude is gonna be deployed in like three weeks,” she said. “He says he’s got a girl back on Reach who’ll ‘take care of it’ while he’s gone, but between you and me… She probably isn’t counting on him coming back. She’s sent like six ‘Dear John’ letters this year, but I haven’t had the heart to give them to him.”

As of press time, Private Dubbo has served tours of duty on Installation 04, New Mombasa, and several other key campaigns in the ongoing fight against the Covenant, making him a decorated war hero. The fate of his Dodge Charger remains unknown.