Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

TikTok Chef Nods at End of Video to Confirm Food Tastes Good

Posted on April 2, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. — The man in charge of a TikTok cooking account has begun smiling and nodding at the camera to indicate to viewers that the food he makes is palatable, sources have confirmed.

“My views were in the basement,” said Joshua Briller, the pastry chef who runs the @brillerbaking account. “People were leaving comments like, ‘What? All that work and I still don’t know what it tastes like! This is bullshit!’ I tried adding captions and voiceover describing the flavors, but nothing was working. Out of desperation, I just started taking a bite and nodding, and suddenly all of my posts were going viral. I finally feel like those four years at Johnson and Wales were worth it.”

Briller’s followers said they appreciate his content much more since he started nodding.

“Honestly, when his old videos showed up on my FYP, I had no idea what I was looking at,” said Alex Luca, who says she views over eight hours of TikTok content every day. “A bunch of powder gets mixed in with eggs and water, and then there’s a cake? I figured it was one of those accounts that posts nonsense to waste your time. Then in one video he took a bite, and I was like, ‘Oh, it’s food.’ And it must be tasty, because he smiled and nodded as he was chewing!”

Other content creators have incorporated Briller’s technique into their own videos.

“Oh, I stole that trick right away,” said Jason Hanks, who runs a woodworking TikTok account that posts mostly ASMR content. “Now I always nod after I slip a dove joint into place or finish sawing a clearly outlined piece of lumber. It’s a great way to let viewers know that everything has gone according to plan and the video is about to end. People come to TikTok to relieve anxiety, not seek it out. That’s also why I always use the same five songs as background music for all of my posts.”

At press time, Briller was seen smiling and nodding after taking a bite of a cake pop shaped like a garden gnome, only to spit out a mouthful of fondant as soon as the recording ended.

Lego Set Comes With Extra Pieces Just In Case 34 Year Old Can’t Follow Simple Instructions

Posted on April 2, 2023 by Kevin Podas

CLEVELAND — Upon receiving the Seinfeld LEGO building set, 34-year-old Victor Idzelis was relieved to find that the kit came with extra pieces just in case he lost track of any of the brightly colored blocks typically meant for children.

“I can’t tell you what a relief it was,” remarked Idzelis. “Finding out that there were extra pieces made me a lot less worried about fumbling them and losing them on the floor, or worse yet, using them in the wrong step of the building process. I want Jerry’s apartment to look exactly like it does in the show, and thankfully if I lose my George, they included an extra one in here.”

Idzelis, a lifelong LEGO maniac, reflected on how LEGO’s products have changed over time.

“I remember one time when I was a kid, I lost one of the battle droids in the Phantom Menace set,” lamented Idelis. “And wouldn’t you know it, that was the only one in the box. I had to use my Easter money to re-buy the set just to have the extra droid, so it would have been nice if they included spares back then, but apparently not. Or maybe I just lost them both, I can be kind of forgetful like that sometimes.”

According to those familiar with the situation, LEGO purposely includes extra pieces for adult consumers.

“Let me be perfectly clear: LEGO is for children. But unfortunately, we have these adult customers we cannot shake. And that means we need to include a few extra protections for them,” said LEGO CEO Niels B. Christiansen. “These are grown men and women who are addicted to apps on their phones, who walk into rooms unsure why they walked into them, and who haven’t read a book since skimming one for an English class in college. LEGO instructions might as well be an ancient tome to them. They need our help.”

At press time, Idzelis was seen fumbling through the trash trying to find the instruction manual he mistakenly threw out.

Metroidvania Player Cleverly Backtracks Through Parking Lot to Find Car

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Charles Bill

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local Metroidvania enthusiast Thomas West recently used a clever backtracking maneuver to locate his car in the parking garage.

“Took me forever to find this thing. First I went around punching walls to see if any of them would break, thinking maybe I parked on the other side. A couple did break, but all I found was some first aid kits and a couple of guns. I have enough of those already,” said the Castlevania superfan, standing next to his Honda Civic. “I even took the time to learn an army crawl to get through that narrow opening by the elevator. I also hung off the ledge by the snack machines to get a better view, but no luck. In the end, it turned out I had already passed my car earlier, it was just slightly outside my field of vision. Go figure.”

West was not the only one frustrated with his Metroid-esque struggle to find his vehicle.

“I’ve been waiting here all day to give this dipshit a ticket,” said security guard and final boss Tyler Amato. “I saw on the security cameras, he went through the same places five or six times. He found all of the guns and first aid kits I hid, but he’s also really fucked up our walls. All I know is this asshole parked in a handicapped spot, and when I see him it is on sight. He better have all the moves he needs, otherwise he is getting thrown right back down to ground level.”

Apparently this level of confusion was more than accidental.

“People should fumble around looking for their cars for hours,” said part-time parking lot designer and Castlevania creator Hitoshi Akamatsu. “Why would we allow the driver to find their car immediately? Where’s the fun in that? Being able to drive without fruitless and irritating searching is like getting to eat steak without raising and slaughtering the cow yourself. When I design a parking garage I try to make it as Byzantine and confusing as possible.”

At press time, West had realized he actually left his car keys somewhere else, meaning he had to start all over again.

New Party Member Can Tell Everyone Is Pretty Sick of Explaining the Main Quest to Them

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

ZYNTHOS — Sources have confirmed that the latest member of the group of adventurers on a quest to save the world from an unholy evil can tell that all of the party’s other members are sick of re-explaining the details of their objective.

“I’m so grateful to Prince Talon and the rest of the team for letting me tag along after helping me take down the organized crime ring that was using the church in my town as a front,” said White Mage Karina Lowbreeze as she settled into her quarters on the group’s flying airship. “But I’m still trying to fill in the holes of what we’re actually trying to do. Something about an unspeakable force born from human nightmares? I asked the archer whose name I’m still trying to learn why Talon’s uncle wants to release the Phantasm, and all he said was, ‘he’s just evil, OK?’”

Tensions remained high throughout the group as the introduction of new member Lowbreeze threatened to upset not only the balance of general knowledge about the party’s quest, but also the fighting order of the team which already had far more members than available slots in battle.

“I’ve been Prince Talon’s friend since we were kids, I’m sworn to protect him as his bodyguard, and yet I haven’t fought a monster in like, three dungeons,” said Fighter Fyoyr Grun as he organized the party’s crafting materials. “Forgive me if I’m not over the moon to have another person hanging around that I have to tell the entire history of our adventure to. She should just listen closely and pick it up from the context clues. It’s really not that complicated.”

Lowbreeze had reportedly asked Prince Talon for more info on the party’s quest, but could tell even he was tired of talking about it.

“I know it’s a little awkward cause he’s the only person I really know on this ship, but I didn’t really understand his clearly practiced one-sentence summary,” said Lowbreeze. “He ended up giving me his journal to find out more but it’s buried between really detailed descriptions of monsters and his high score in Burstball.”

At press time, the rest of the party had agreed that their favorite new member was their airship pilot since he just wanted to get into fights regardless of the motivation.

Nintendo Fan Furious That ‘Tears of the Kingdom’ Might Be a Rehash of the Greatest Game of All Time

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Chandler Dean

BRIGHTON, Colo. — After watching a newly-released gameplay demonstration for the highly anticipated The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, local Nintendo fan Victor Pacholik was seething with rage at the possibility that the game might be little more than a rehash of Breath of the Wild — which he considers, by far, to be the best video game ever made.

“For six years, the fandom has been clamoring to relive the experience of playing Breath of the Wild for the first time,” Pacholik explained. “It’s just depressing that after all of that, Nintendo expects us to basically play the same game again.”

Pacholik then described in detail how Nintendo let him down by borrowing elements from what he has called the untouchable gold standard of open-world RPGs.

“It’s the same engine, the same map, the same exhilarating gameplay that consistently rewards exploration and experimentation,” complained Pacholik. “They seriously just took [one of the most universally beloved entertainment experiences in history] and made it a little bit better. What a disappointment.”

Pacholik took to Twitter to express further concerns.

“yikes, i know nintendo is notorious for recycling the same formula over and over, but they really did just copy-and-paste [the best-selling Zelda game in the franchise by a margin of over 20 million copies] and call it a day,” read a tweet from Pacholik under his handle @BOTW4life.

The thread continued: “do they really think they can get away with charging $70 for 100+ hours of imaginative puzzles and inventive combat, several groundbreaking new mechanics and abilities, and whatever other elements haven’t been revealed in the extremely limited previews we’ve gotten thus far ???”

At press time, Pacholik put the finishing touches on his one-star Letterboxd review of The Godfather Part II, which reads, in full: “hollywood come up with an original idea challenge. difficulty impossible.”

Elon Musk Spends $44 Billion on Old Dunk Tank Found on Craigslist

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

GARY, Ind. — Twitter CEO Elon Musk has reportedly discovered his next overvalued investment: a novelty dunk tank he found on Craigslist and bought for 44 billion dollars.

“Everyone’s going to think this is so funny,” said Musk, shortly after procuring the severely used carnival attraction from a guy on the side of the highway. “I’m going to pay 44 billion dollars for this dunk tank and totally own everybody. Pretty soon for just eight bucks a pop, users will be able to see me shirtless and get close enough to me to tell me how smart they think I am, two things they value very highly. This thing is going to pay for itself quicker than COVID cases died off in April of 2020.”

“Ignore all those robots chucking softballs at the target and laughing at me by the way,” he added, moments before one hit a bullseye, dropping him into the water below. “They’re not real.”

The man selling the dunk tank was pleasantly surprised with Musk’s valuation.

“I’d written on there ‘100 bucks or best offer,’ hoping I could get 70,” said Gary Fitzgerald, the man who posted the Craigslist ad for the dunk tank, which was used in the last several county fairs. “I didn’t realize the premiere entrepreneur of our time was willing to spend 11 figures on a weird attempt at a joke, but I wasn’t gonna complain. He’s got some terrible ideas about what to do with it, like drain the water and fill it with human diarrhea, but hey, it’s his dunk tank now. He can fill it with shit if he wants to.”

Fans of Musk’s praised the Tesla CEO’s latest business acquisition.

“The man simply cannot lose,” said devoted Musk fan Scott Vanmeter, as he ate clumps of dirt and grass from the ground. “He’s playing chess while everyone else plays checkers. It’s obvious anyone that disagrees or dislikes him is just jealous of his business acumen, not to mention stellar reputation for being a genius. Plus, it’s his fortune, you know? If he wants to invest it into getting dunked on by the throngs of people that despise everything about him, that’s his choice! He’s still more successful than you’ll ever be.”

“Man, this dirt tastes delicious,” he added.

As of press time, Elon Musk had passed away in the dunk tank’s little pool of water. While all obvious signs point to drowning, his fans have insisted the cause was a deadly strain of the woke mind virus.

Want the Fun of a Caffeine Rush & Crippling Pain of the Following Crash? Try Sonic Unleashed

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Robert Carnevale

Sonic Unleashed was condemned to critical hell upon release in 2008, and that means it’s one of the primary reasons aliens will judge us as brainless chimps undeserving of freedom when it comes time for the Great Takeover™.

Seriously, Sonic Unleashed (the badass 360/PS3 version) reinvented the Sonic formula in such a stylistically bold, thrilling, and visually stunning way with its daytime levels that no one with a true need for speed should deny themselves the pleasure of playing the game over and over until the day they die. These stages manage to translate the adrenaline rush of Sonic 2 and Sonic 3&K’s “oh shit Sonic’s going so fast he’s about to fly off the screen” moments into a breezy 3D experience that finds smart ways to reward player focus and skill.

Furthermore, Unleashed’s levels remain some of—if not THE—best-looking environments in any Sonic game. Visually, besides maybe Sonic Frontiers, Unleashed remains the technological king of the franchise, with gorgeously rendered vistas all mimicking various places from the real world. Want Sonic to bumrush a Parisian cafe for baguettes or run across a whale’s back in Antarctica? Play Unleashed!

Some (many) folks will point out that half the game is the antithesis of Sonic, with regards to the slow “werehog” levels wherein Sonic becomes Kratos from God of War and lumbers around smacking shit. The great irony is the werehog is supposed to be stronger than normal Sonic, yet he takes about twenty punches to do what normal Sonic accomplishes in a single homing attack.

Now, yes, slogging through some serviceable but out of place brawler-platformer levels in a Sonic game is less than ideal; the game’s critics have a valid point there! However, indulge me: Imagine someone invents a universal cure for all cancers but also happens to shit themselves in public. Surely you wouldn’t discredit the magnitude of their accomplishments all because of a little shit, right?

That’s the argument I use to justify why you should try Unleashed. The speedy daytime stages are such an absolutely perfect blend of visual beauty, complexly branched level design, and insane speed that they vastly overshadow the game’s problems. Unleashed truly revolutionized the franchise in a stunning revitalization effort most long-running series are never fortunate enough to receive. Not to mention, the game has incredible cutscenes (the CGI is Pixar tier) and a cohesive, logically written story that puts recent Sonic games to shame. Top all that off with one of the series’ best soundtracks and you have a certified gem on your hands.

Unleashed is definitely for you if:

You have the most aggressive need for speed and are sick of being relegated to car games
Miss the days when SEGA went all-in on big-budget, blockbuster Sonic experiences
Love ambitious platformers that swing for the fences with bold design choices

Unleashed may not be for you if:

You don’t want to indulge a cute but only middlingly satisfying God of War knockoff for a large chunk of your overall playtime
You dislike games that are so fuckin’ fast that one poorly timed blink will send you straight to the gulag

The badass version of Sonic Unleashed referenced in this article is available on PS3, Xbox 360, Xbox One, and Xbox Series X & S. The less incredible, but still fun, “reduced” version is available on Nintendo Wii and PS2. The Gameloft-produced mobile version is available on some Android APK download site somewhere since God knows that port is all but lost to the ages.

E3 Pulls Out of E3 2023

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

Months ahead of its planned return to a physical event, several sources have confirmed that E3 will no longer be a part of E3 2023.

On March 30, IGN reported that E3 2023 has pulled out of E3 2023, canceling the event due to lack of “sustained interest”. This announcement comes after Sony, Nintendo, Microsoft, and Ubisoft confirmed that they would not hold presentations at the event this year.

Perhaps the showrunners, the Entertainment Software Association, saw the writing on the wall when even Ubisoft decided their latest Assassin’s Creed copy-paste job was too good for the function.

E3’s absence from this year’s E3 was confirmed in an email to its members and organizers, which states that this year’s event “simply did not garner the sustained interest necessary to execute it in a way that would showcase the size, strength, and impact of our industry.”

The email also states that E3 “remains a beloved event and brand,” though no official sources have confirmed this to be true.

This year’s event intended to herald the return of the annual conference to a physical format with in-person attendance. E3 was previously absent from E3 in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic. They later held a digital-only presentation for E3 2021, but was absent once again during the following year in 2022. Though E3 previously confirmed to be attending E3 2023 on June 13th through June 16th at the Los Angeles Convention Center, this is no longer the case.

In lieu of E3 presentations, video game publishers will instead focus on hosting their own digital events via Directs and online conferences that literally anyone can watch at home for free while in their pajamas. As of this writing, there is no news on when the next Nintendo Direct, State of Play, or Microsoft conference will take place, but realistically, one will be announced a day or two before it actually happens.

So is this the end of E3? Who knows – but don’t forget that Dave’s Garage is always open.

Man Really Relates to Stick Figure Who Beats the Crap Out of Coworkers

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local man Woody Steele reportedly finds the Devolver Digital game Stick It to the Stickman “very relatable,” according to terrified sources who work closely with him.

“Look, I love Spider-Man and God of War and all that shit. But at the end of the day, I’m not a Greek god, I don’t have a son to look after, I have no powers, and I have no responsibility. The video game that I relate to more than anything in the world is the one where you play as a guy who beats the shit out of his co-workers. And that’s Stick It to the Stickman,” Steele explained. “When I get home from a grueling day at the office, there’s nothing I love to do more than loosen my tie, unwind, and play as a stick avatar of myself, slicing through hundreds upon hundreds of stick figures that I pretend are the people at my job who annoy me all day. Is that so bad?”

Close sources reveal that Steele has not been particularly subtle about his desire to beat the crap out of those he works with.

“He’s constantly talking about how much he loves that game. It’s like, yeah, we get it. We’re the enemies,” said Caitlin Castro, who works in the cubicle next to Steele’s. “One time he picked up a stapler and I thought he was actually gonna throw it at me for real. I don’t think video games cause real world violence or anything, but it’s a little freaky to say the least. But I guess it’s good that he has an outlet to let those feelings out that doesn’t hurt anyone in the real world. Also it’s good that he can’t do a kamehameha in the real world, either.”

“It’s a cool game; I get it. I also enjoyed bulldozing through fifty stick figures that I could pretend were the people at HR who haven’t approved my salary bump yet,” she added. “But that’s not the kind of escapism I want in my life. When I get home from work, I’m not trying to imagine murdering all my co-workers — I’m trying to relax. That’s why I’m playing Call of Duty and imagining murdering enemy combatants in a war simulator.”

Steele claims it has helped his productivity, however.

“It makes it a lot easier to get through the day knowing I can go home and take out my frustrations on the sticks. It’s just the sticks!” he said. “Ever since I found an old copy of the game, I’ve gotten Employee of the Month four months in a row. When the new HD version comes out, I feel like I’ll end up being CEO of this place.”

At press time, one of Steele’s co-workers went crazy and tried to attack someone, but was thankfully thwarted when Steele backflipped over the wall of a cubicle and expertly smashed him in the head with a computer monitor, shocking onlookers and himself.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Check out the demo of Stick It to the Stickman on Steam to imagine YOURSELF beating up all your co-workers!

Tetris Film Release Date Pushed Back While Producers Wait for a Line Piece

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — Producers of the upcoming film about Tetris have opted to delay the release until a line piece appears in an effort to boost their scores, sources indicate.

“We could drop it now and get what we get,” said executive producer Ron Howard, carefully examining the demographic metrics and organizing the release schedule so as to leave a space for a line piece. “But if we hold out just a little longer, build up the middle more, when we finally drop that line and get that Tetris… You know we’re gonna get that little castle to take off in the ending ceremony. And that’s how you make a hit picture.”

Director Jon Baird disagreed with the production team’s strategy, believing the film is pushing the release date too far, perhaps becoming so backed up as to reach critical levels.

“As various pieces [of Apple’s streaming library] continue piling up, eventually they’ll reach the top and we’ll have to give up,” Baird explained as Korobeiniki echoed in the distance at a faster tempo than previously heard. “We’re going straight to streaming, we didn’t get that much advertising, and we have to go up against another biopic from the same era that has Matt and Ben — we can’t afford to wait for a line piece! The line piece is famously extremely difficult to work with and we’re better off without that toxic prima donna.”

Apple executives appeared nervous, but still backed the controversial decision.

“We are currently crushing it at Apple+. Between Severence, Ted Lasso, and Shrinking, we are all extremely confident and trusting our collective instincts that that line will arrive as expected,” CEO Tim Cook stated confidently. “And if it doesn’t, that’s fine too — no shame in restarting the whole process from scratch. I remain excited to fill in that high [streaming] score and take down ‘AAA’ once and for all. Every time I close my eyes, I see the entirety of the Tetris movie still playing out before me.”

At press time, Tetris star Taron Egerton was reportedly stepping up to cover for the missing line piece by learning how to perform a T-spin, which he insisted stands for “Taron spin.”

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