Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

20 Planets Bethesda Was Too Cowardly to Include in ‘Starfield’

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

Starfield, Bethesda’s latest RPG promises to take gamers on a tour of a fantastic new galaxy with planets you could only dream about. The company says there are over 1,000 unique biomes and environments to discover. However, I have it on good authority that there are a fair number of worlds the company simply didn’t have the balls to include. Here are 20 planets you shouldn’t expect to see while zooming through space, because Bethesda are cowards, plain and simple.

Planet With a Kick Ass Treehouse

There should be a world where you go up into a sweet treehouse and they’ve got a Bluetooth speaker up there and you can just hang.

A Desert Planet That’s Like Tatooine but Isn’t Tatooine

Half the fun of these games is to pretend you’re in Star Wars and they’ve always got one of these in them.

A Disco Ball Planet Where the 70’s Never Stopped

The party goes allllllllllllllll night on this planet! Equip your +3 Charisma polyester suit and get out on the dance floor.

A Halo From Halo

You’re telling me Bethesda is owned by Microsoft in a chilling example of how consolidation is eating the video game industry alive and we can’t even get a fucking Halo in there to make up for it?

Dinosaur Planet

Let’s get some Rare shit in here too for that matter. Why not?

Planet That Smells Awful

And every few seconds your guy goes “Geez, this place reeks.”

Planet Where All the White People Are Black and All the Black People Are White

Don’t pretend whatever planet in the game is a metaphor for racism will be less subtle than this.

Planet Where I Can Buy a Fucking Sandwich for Lunch for Under $15

And let’s try to do better than Jersey Mikes, okay?

Planet With Not Much Going on Where You Can Chill and Have a Beer

Maybe I don’t want the fate of the galaxy on my shoulders, you ever think of that?

Waterworld: A Live Sea War Spectacular at Universal Studios Hollywood

More planets should actually just be theme park stunt shows based on failed Kevin Costner films.

The Moon

I can’t believe they didn’t put this in the game. If you’re reading this after it’s published maybe they put it in. But I’m playing the game right now and they forgot to put the Moon in. It’s really embarrassing, actually.

Dracula Planet

Come on, give me one planet where a bunch of Draculas are running around going “Bleh! I Vant To Suck Your Blood!” It’d be really spooky.

Planet of the Apes

The old-school version with the guys in the suits. The Andy Serkis ones are already in the game.

Square Planet

It’s square instead of round.

New Vegas

This is just my opinion, but does anyone else think this is the best Fallout game?

Planet Where Everyone Skateboards and Does Sick Kickflips

You should have to enter the Space X-Games to save the Space Rec Center.

A Second Earth

Just plop this one in anywhere, guys. It’s not like anyone would notice.

**Planet Where the Movie Blackhat Was a Hit**

Can you believe Michael Mann is just now getting out of Director Jail? This movie rocks.

Slime Planet

Let’s get gooey.

A Planet Without A Bunch of Shit to Pick Up

Just give me a moment of peace, I’m begging you.

Mario Concerns Gamers by Freezing Midway Through This Morning’s Nintendo Direct

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Mario concerned fans and Nintendo executives this morning after bizarrely freezing halfway through this morning’s Nintendo Direct presentation.

“Mario is fine, he just had too much pasta last night,” said a press release issued by Nintendo immediately following the troubling display during this morning’s showcase of Super Mario Bros. Wonder, the gaming icon’s upcoming game. “While we understand these continued incidents are concerning to gamers, we urge everyone to remember how resilient Mario has been for all these years. Why is it normal if a Dry Bones comes back to life, but if Mario stares into some sort of existential abyss for a few moments everyone panics? It’s completely unfair.”

Some gamers, however, thought there was more to the story.

“They can’t keep trotting him out there like this,” said Joe Miller, a local gamer that was concerned about Mario’s wellbeing. “I’m 40, and that guy has been bouncing off the walls since I was a little kid. Look at him. He’s tired. That was so sad the way Luigi had to walk him out through the start of the stage and finish the demo. No one wants to see that.”

Super Mario Bros. Wonder is slated for release on October 20, possibly sooner if Mario dies.

Comatose Gamer Banned From Pokémon Sleep For Using Exploits

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Alex McMillan

CHICAGO — A comatose patient at Chicago General Hospital received a lifetime ban from Pokemon Sleep, for using exploits, sources have confirmed.

“It has come to light in recent days that some members of staff have been leaving their phones next to comatose patient Sophie Montego’s bed in order to unlock rare creatures in the smartphone game Pokémon Sleep,” read an official statement released by the hospital. “We are extremely disappointed to see a patient being utilised in this way and staff will be disciplined as soon as our internal investigation is concluded. We’d like to offer our utmost apologies to the Montego family at this time.”

An inside source spoke to journalists regarding the incident under the condition of anonymity.

“Obviously things got a bit out of hand” said the anonymous source through a voice modulator on a Zoom call “it was an accident initially, one of the ward doctors left their phone beside her overnight, and in the morning discovered they’d unlocked a shiny Nidorino. Once that happened, all bets were off. Sophiemaxxing became the norm. By the end, the pillow on her bed was just stuffed with phones. Once the Pokémon Company caught wind, they banned Sophie’s account along with any phone in close proximity to hers. It was a dark day.”

The news has left the Montego family shaken since they were made aware earlier this week.

“It’s a very conflicting feeling I have towards the hospital at this point” said Sophie’s mother in an Instagram post earlier today. “Whilst Chicago General has shown blatant malpractice towards my daughter, it has been quite heartening to hear she has been helping the people who are caring for her to catch Polychus and Bulbizards. I can’t say for certain she’d be angry about it. We’ll still be taking legal action, of course.”

The Pokémon Company are aware of the pending litigation, and have ensured Ms. Montego that Sophie will receive a formal apology for the ban in the event that she ever wakes up.

Armored Core 6 New Game Plus Guide: Does AC6 Have NG+?

Posted on August 30, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Armored Core 6: Fires of Rubicon is proving to be a difficult game even on normal mode, but many players might be wondering if they can ramp things up even further with New Game Plus. This Armored Core 6 guide will show you everything you can do once you dive back into the game for a second and even third playthrough.

Is There A New Game Plus In Armored Core 6?

Yes, there is a New Game+ (NG+) in Armored Core 6, as well as a New Game++ (NG++) and both are available on release day. They are quite different from the regular run and from each other as well, based on certain choices made during the storyline. As a matter of fact, you can only play two-thirds of the 59 missions in your first playthrough, with the rest being locked to subsequent playthroughs.

What Changes In NG+ and NG++ (Armored Core VI)?

In terms of difficulty, you can expect combat encounters to actually be easier than your first run, since you will have the benefit of the advanced endgame weaponry you’ve been unlocking or buying. In NG+, decisions will lead to three new missions being unlocked, and a new ending. NG++ offers even more missions, fourteen in fact, as well as the third and final ending. The new Arena Analysis tab will allow you to access 9 new encounters in NG+, and a further final three in NG++.

How To Start NG+ in Armored Core 6?

No special action is required. Simply beat the game once, and post-endgame credits roll, you will automatically be returned to the point in the story where you’ve just received your callsign i.e. Chapter 1, Mission 1: Illegal Entry, thus allowing you to skip the prologue.

What Carries Over In AC6 New Game Plus?

Everything you’ve accomplished so far is still available to you, including:

Current loadout
All unlocks and saved builds
Accrued COAM
Accumulated OST Chips
Arena progress

That’s all there is to know about the NG+ modes in Armored Core VI: Fires of Rubicon. Be sure to check out our guides on claiming your pre-order bonus DLC and testing out the best early game AC6 build.

Introducing: Glitch McConnell

Posted on August 30, 2023 by Brad Waters

COVINGTON, Ky. — Republicans recently debuted Glitch McConnell, a racist robot who will assist them in voting against human rights and equality at every turn now that Mitch McConnell appears to be nearing the end of his life cycle.

“A lot of people think this is just my good friend, republican senator Mitch McConnell — but it’s not!” exclaimed Texas Senator Ted Cruz while proudly unveiling the android at a Republican conference. “This is just how lifelike our advanced, anti-woke technology has come. This is in fact, Glitch McConnell! And as per a law we have recently passed; he is allowed to vote in congress. Another victory for democracy!”

Many questioned the ethics of replacing the Senate Minority Leader with a robotic imitation of himself, while others in the party supported it.

“I think it’s a good thing,” said Skeeter Bradshaw, an attendant of the conference. “One more vote against all that unnatural stuff like abortions and affordable healthcare. Praise Glitch McConnell! I think it’s great that we have a robot that runs on oatmeal working in the Senate. That’s why it’s always eating oatmeal by the way. It’s his lifeblood. Anyway, I thing it’s doing a great job, and I’m sure they’ll work out the bugs and it’ll stop spacing out so much pretty soon here.”

As of press time, Glitch McConnell had glitched out at his welcome conference and unexpectedly shut down, prompting a standing applause from gathered Republicans.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Crossplay Guide: Is it Cross Platform?

Posted on August 30, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Want to use crossplay in Texas Chain Saw Massacre? The Texas Chain Saw Massacre brings a new contender to the horror asymmetrical multiplayer space. The PvP-focused title has launched on all major platforms, even last gen, excluding only the Nintendo Switch. If you want to know whether players on different consoles can game with each other and how to go about it, this guide will help clear things up.

Is The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Cross Platform?

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre does feature crossplay, but only between specific platforms. Current gen Playstation 5, Xbox Series X|S and the PC versions from both the Steam and Xbox/Windows stores can all connect to each other’s games. Previous gen Xbox One and Playstation 4 gamers are completely excluded from crossplay functionality, and thus can only matchmake with players on the very same console.

How To Use Crossplay In The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

Crossplay is enabled by default on the platforms that support it. However on Xbox, your privacy settings might be blocking you. Unblocking it requires you to dig deep into the console’s system settings. Begin by opening up the Xbox guide, then navigate to:

Profile & System
Settings
Account
Privacy & Online Safety
Xbox Privacy
View Details and Customize
Communication & Multiplayer
Use the drop-down on “You can join cross-network play” to select Allow.

You can turn cross platform play off on all platforms, by going through the game options menu and disable crossplay. Note that turning off crossplay in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre will force you to matchmake exclusively with other people that have also manually turned the function off.

Friends on other platforms cannot be added through any in-game menu or method. Instead, start a lobby by selecting the Party Options button in the menu, then Create Party. This will generate a six-digit session invite code. Copy it and forward it to your friends through third-party messaging services like Kik, Discord, or WhatsApp. Players on the same platform as you can be added easily through the Invite function that’s right there, without the use of the code.

Joining a lobby is as simple as selecting Join Party and typing in the session invite code. Icons next to each player’s name will let everyone know who’s on which platform.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Update Patch Notes Mar 28

That’s everything you need to know about crossplay in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Check out our helpful tier lists for both Victims and Killers in the game.

Every ‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ Class Ranked By Their Skill Helping You Get Laid at the Bar

Posted on August 30, 2023 by Alex Dunn

Everyone finds themselves in need of friends, companions to bring with you on your journey through life. One such use for friends is backing you up when you spot a hottie while you’re out drinking and want to make your move without coming across as creepy or desperate. If your friends happened to be characters from Baldur’s Gate 3, it would be no different. Each Baldur’s Gate 3 character class stacks up to the task of being your wingperson differently, and here’s the full ranking of how each of them would do helping you get laid after a night at the bar.

#12 – Bard

The Bard is charismatic, fun, and entertaining. But trying to use the Bard as your wingperson is like going to see your friend’s band and attempting to chat someone up by saying “I know the lead singer.” Let the Bard go have fun by themselves and stop expecting their greatness to fall upon you like magic fairy dust.

#11 – Warlock

Another party member filled with charisma, you might think the Warlock is going to attract the folks who are interested in dark and mysterious people. While this is certainly a possibility, there’s a big difference between ‘dark and mysterious’ and ‘will probably invite me to a cult meeting.’ Once the Warlock starts talking about their pact with the devil you may find strangers less willing to tolerate the both of you.

#10 – Barbarian

Your big, muscled friend can certainly draw a lot of attention given that they’re loud and boisterous in a way that’s going to get people excited. However, being known for your insatiable bloodlust isn’t the most popular thing in pleasant company. As the class most likely to start a bar fight, if you hang out with them you’re more likely to find yourself on the curb in handcuffs than in your crush’s bed in handcuffs.

#9 – Monk

A peerless ascetic who has mastered every aspect of their body, mind, and soul sounds pretty awesome. In practice, however, they’re more likely to be the person who asks the bartender for water, spends most of their time meditating, and cares very deeply about your spiritual wellness. They might help you get some attention for being unique, but they are not the partying type and will probably be leaving the bar early to get a good night’s sleep.

#8 – Paladin

The typical knight in shining armor is a textbook fantasy for a lot of people, but where you might find yourself in a bit of a struggle is when said knight’s deep commitment to honor, glory, and justice gets in the way of everyone’s good time. Your crush offers up a nice hit of the green and all of a sudden Mr. Golden Armor is on your case about the current legality and whether your friend has a license to distribute. The Paladin may help bring in some early cuties but they’re not much help once you’re looking to really have a good time.

#7 – Cleric

Along those same lines is the servant of the divine themselves, everyone’s pocket healer the Cleric. While they are often less of a party pooper than the Paladin or Monk, a lot of people can still be wary about having new religions pitched to them as part of the flirtation process. That being said, their spells are a great way to overcome your hangover. So long as you can convince them to lay off the proselytizing, the Cleric’s backup comes with a few worthwhile perks

#6 – Fighter

If you wanted the muscles of the Monk and the knightly prowess of the Paladin without any of the baggage, look no further. The Fighter is chiseled, built, and impressive. Unlike the Barbarian, their anger is perfectly kept in check, so you shouldn’t worry so much about the immediacy of a bar fight. What they have in raw physical appeal is their trade-off, however, for more often than not being dumb as a bag of rocks. Combine that with their lack of many unique abilities outside of fighting and you’ll realize they’re a great lure to bring people in, but they’ll be leaving you to seal the deal yourself.

#5 – Ranger

Unlike the aforementioned martial classes, this horizon-seeking explorer offers a clear appeal to draw in a crowd: their adorable pet friend. So long as people can look past their rugged (read: dirty) clothing and demeanor, they will find themselves learning about a true outdoorsman who can connect them to the land and all its creatures. While this runs the risk of your crush running off to climb a mountain instead of heading back home with you, it just might be worth it to get a nice pettable animal friend to make everyone swoon.

#4 – Rogue

For the most part, people can’t help themselves when it comes to lovable scoundrels. The Rogue may have tried to pick your pocket or break into the bar’s backroom, but they look so cool while doing it that we give them a pass anyways. The appeal of the bad boy is strong, and with the Rogue you’re free of the Warlock’s culty undertones. Just make sure they don’t steal your crush’s wallet to give you tips on what they’re interested in. Or have them do that, maybe. Your morals may vary.

#3 – Wizard

Make fun of nerds all you want, but they are the best at solving complex problems. When it comes to getting you involved with the person of your choice, this spellcaster has the most magic of strategies: magic. Casting spells of all kinds is not just a great way to draw attention, but it can offer your crush and you a night you could never have imagined. Your Wizard friend will back you up with all the pizazz of a magic show and none of the fakeness.

#2 – Druid

Lover of plants and animals, this class is more than just your stereotypical tree-hugger or Greenpeacer. Not only can they introduce all sorts of amazing “herbal concoctions” to the people you hang out with, but they can one-up the competition by turning into a fuzzy animal companion. Now they are using their base appeal to bring in your crush without even competing with you for their love! Anyone who has ever dated someone for their pet knows that this technique works like a charm.

#1 – Sorcerer

You remember how cool the Wizard was? What if they were charismatic, and not forcibly bound to a devil? The Sorcerer has all the magical prowess that other classes have, but they can also talk to people in normal human conversations. The Sorcerer has the spells to make sure everyone’s looking your way, and afterwards they know how to say just the right things. Unlike the Bard, they aren’t so specifically a performer that their very talent is going to steal all the eyes away from you. They can make you seem like you have normal, decent friends while also backing you up as the ultimate magical wingperson. Nothing quite hits the spot like creating literal fireworks during your first magical moments with your next lover.

Police Chase Drags on as Officers Wait for Suspect’s Invincibility To Wear Off

Posted on August 30, 2023 by Will Carnevale

NEW YORK — New York Police Department officers are currently engaged in the lengthy pursuit of an unidentified fugitive driving an unusually fast and luminous vehicle.

“Twenty minutes and the son of a bitch is still going,” one pursuing officer was heard saying over a police scanner. “This is ridiculous. We’ve tried everything. Boomerangs, wind-up toys, fucking squid ink—nothing works. And there he goes again! Drifting! In Manhattan. Gimme that. This is the police! Pull over and sit still, you jumpy fuck!”

NYPD narcotics officers executed a no-knock raid at the suspect’s Brooklyn home earlier today, finding a large supply of mushrooms and other contraband, but not the suspect himself. Traffic camera footage from around the same time shows the fugitive’s vehicle—not yet alight—swerving to avoid some bananas that had spilled out of a truck delivering to a Times Square grocer. NYPD located and converged on the suspect near Rockefeller Center, at which point officers say the suspect’s car “got all sparkly,” speeding out of reach of their cruisers and into Central Park.

“The guy clearly got his hands on a Super Star,” said Dex Amari, a witness and racing game enthusiast who recognized the distinctive glow blanketing the fleeing suspect’s vehicle. “The invincibility won’t last forever, though. I don’t know how it hasn’t already run out. But when it does, he’d better not be going off-road, except maybe in the subway. Otherwise, they’ll catch him for sure.”

As of press time, the fugitive has remained above ground, doubling back via Broadway and leading NYPD vehicles in what appears to be a series of loops through Midtown Manhattan. This story will be updated as it unfolds.

UPDATE: After losing its sheen of invincibility, the suspect’s vehicle drove through a thick column of steam and struck a parked bus outside St. Patrick’s Cathedral before NYPD officers arrived on scene and immediately fired 115 Bullet Bills in the fugitive’s direction. The suspect is currently presumed dead, but Amari, a research mycologist, claims that if any of the mushrooms found at the raided residence were green, the fugitive might still have a chance of survival.

NPC Starting to Think He’s the Only One Player Hasn’t Fucked

Posted on August 30, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

LAST LIGHT INN — A wizard named Gale has become suspicious that he is the only member of his party who has not slept with the group’s de facto leader, sources close to the situation have confirmed.

“Tav isn’t being as subtle as he thinks,” said Gale. “I’ve seen him sneaking off with Shadowheart. And Lae’zel. And Karlach. And Astarion. Hells, I’m pretty sure he was making eyes at Withers the other day. Last night he strolled back into camp with Halsin while he was still a bear! How many magic lessons do I have to offer this guy before he gets the message?”

The party leader in question, Tav, said that he had done nothing untoward with any of his traveling companions.

“I have immense respect for every member of my party,” said Tav, a Paladin who restarted his statement five times before being satisfied. “It’s unfortunate — but inevitable — that I can’t spend as much time as I would like with some of them. Sometimes, it just makes more sense to take a Warlock on a quest rather than a Wizard. Sometimes, we need to go heavy on melee to defeat a certain enemy. And sometimes, a creepy dude in a robe offers to teach you a neat magic trick and then you catch him sniffing your hair. It’s all about balance.”

A local Bugbear spoke out in Tav’s defense.

“You don’t get to pick who you love,” said Grukkoh, who had emerged from a nearby partially-collapsed barn. “You just feel how you feel, you know? Frankly, it’s no one’s business. Imagine how rude you would have to be to snoop around to find out who someone is sleeping with. No one really does that, right? Right?”

At press time, Gale was overheard hinting that he was hungry for a magical item and implying that Tav’s genitals would qualify.

Starfield Release Date & Preload Guide: When Does it Come Out?

Posted on August 29, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Starfield by Bethesda Game Studios finally has a release date in sight, five long years since its initial announcement. The studio’s first new IP in 25 years, the game has been proclaimed “Skyrim in space” by none other than Todd Howard himself.

This guide will tell you everything you need to know about Starfield‘s release date and preload period.

When Does Starfield Come Out?

Starfield launches on Xbox Series X|S and PC on Wednesday, September 6th at a simultaneous global release time of 12 AM/midnight GMT. That translates to the following dates and times in these major regions:

Tuesday, September 5th

5 PM PDT
6 PM MDT
7 PM CDT
8 PM EDT

Wednesday, September 6th

1 AM BST
2 AM CEST
9 AM JST

Does Starfield Have An Early Access Release Date?

Yes, it does have an Early Access play window for preorders of the following editions of the game:

Starfield Digital Premium Edition
Starfield Digital Premium Upgrade
Starfield Constellation Edition

Early Access for Starfield begins on Friday, September 1st at a simultaneous global release time of 12 AM/midnight GMT. Regional times are as follows:

Thursday, August 31st

5:00 PM PDT
6:00 PM MDT
7:00 PM CDT
8:00 PM EDT

Friday, September 1st

1:00 AM BST
2:00 AM CEST
9:00 AM JST

Can Starfield Be Preloaded Before the Release Date?

Yes, as of August 17th, Starfield can be preloaded immediately on Xbox Series X|S. If you have pre-ordered any one of the editions of the game, of course. It can also be preloaded by Game Pass subscribers on console.

PC players on Steam had a longer wait ahead of them, with the preload date being August 30th, just two days before Starfield Early Access begins. However, if you’re reading this, Steam preload is now available! Starfield can be preloaded right away by both preorder owners and Game Pass subscribers on the PC Xbox app as well. The download clocks in at a massive 125GB and requires an SSD on PC, according to the minimum system requirements.

That’s everything there is to know about Bethesda’s Starfield release time and preload window. Check out our guide on how to play Dark and Darker for something to play while you wait!