Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

TikToker Cleverly Hides Results in Part 2 Where No Human on Earth Will Ever See It

Posted on September 2, 2023 by Jus Kaplan

LUBBOCK, Texas — In a cunning display of trickery, TikTok influencer Kayden_Cooks4U has hidden the outcome of his viral “Crazy useful kitchen hack” in a part 2 video, meaning no one on this planet will ever see what actually happens, sources confirmed.

“Welcome to part one of my video,” said Kayden, at the start of his video that presumed to show viewers a ‘super cool and cost-effective way’ to make soda at home using just tap water, flavoring, a fork, and a microwave. “Soda companies don’t want you to know this hack because it will put them out of business, but I got you guys. All you need to do is put your flavored water in the microwave with the fork in it for 2 minutes. The metal will shock the water ions into soda. Like and follow to see part 2 when I show you my results!”

At this point, the clip strategically cuts off just as Kayden prepares to start the microwave. Many viewers of the video, which has been watched more than 2 million times, left comments begging to see the promised follow-up segment. In one such comment, a follower of Kayden_Cooks4U explained he searched in vain for hours.

“I was looking for the results to this thing for forever and never found it,” wrote user TriMond0405. “This mf has uploaded like 300 videos since he posted part 1. I gave up looking so I guess I’ll just try it myself.”

Social media expert Steph Yasmin, a professor at Boston University’s School of Communication, says the proliferation of unlocatable ‘Part 2’ videos, which she calls “ghost results,” is as strategic as it is dangerous.

“Deviant influencers know that they can capture the undivided attention of an audience by promising awesome results to an outlandish experiment at a later time; it’s simple behavioral economics,” explained Yasmin. “But they also know that they can get away with obscuring or even omitting the results forever, since the average TikTok user has an attention span of just 23 seconds and little to no recollection of previous content after just 5 swipes. The danger comes when that one rare user actually decides to try the stunt for themselves.”

At press time, TriMondo0405 was seen duetting the Part 1 video from Kayden_Cooks4U with a clip of his parent’s house burning down and the caption “OMG PLZ DONT TRY THIS.”

What to Know About Jerma985

Posted on September 2, 2023 by Camden Brazile

Jerma985 is a Youtuber turned streamer with an incredibly devoted fan base, but his identity and persona can be difficult to understand. Before jumping onto one of his infamous streams, here’s everything you need to know about him!

What Is His Real Name?

While Jerma985 is his online moniker, the streamer’s real name is Jeremy985

What Would People Know Him From?

His Twitch streams, Youtube videos, or the Boston Police Department sketch of the criminal known as The Rat King

What is his role in the Twitch community?

Cautionary tale

What Is His Occupation?

He streams video games and is a living absurdist art installation

How Does He Interact With His Fans?

Jerma famously finds it difficult to relate to his fans as the only one on his massive streams that has a job

How Did He Get His Start?

Jerma went from just a fledgling creator making incomprehensible noises on Youtube to a media sensation making incomprehensible noises on Twitch

So, It’s Just Actually A Coincidence That He’s A TF2 Youtuber Who Looks and Sounds Exactly Like the Scout?

Somehow, yes.

What is His Job Title?

Digital clown

How Tall is He?

Jerma is currently listed at 5’ 1”, the average height for males of his species

What Makes His Streams Different?

Jerma has gained notoriety by crafting Twitch streams that are incredibly strange and avant-garde for being entertaining and unproblematic

What Is His Relationship with STAR_?

Oddly maternal

What Is He Famous For?

Being a normal, kind man who just plays video games for a living, Jerma is famous for being characterized as a demented serial killer that is disconnected from reality

How Many People Has He Killed?

Twitch chat vastly mischaracterizes Jerma as a serial killer as an ironic bit, in reality the streamer has only killed a measly four people

Will He Ever Do Another Clowns Vs. Magicians Baseball Game?

I don’t know. This is not a question that a normal person should need the answer to.

How Much Does He Make a Year?

$11.45 after Dr. Pepper expenses

What Would Make Him Quit Streaming?

Adderall prescription

Is He Seeing Anyone?

Jerma has confirmed he is currently in a committed relationship with every single one of his viewers in their mind

What Are His Upcoming Projects?

His current schedule is video game stream, video game stream, stream that upends the fabric of reality itself

Does Jerma have a son?

In real life no, but in the fake lore of his streaming persona, which is also just him, yes? This is the kind of shit you’re dealing with, maybe just watch another streamer.

How Will He Die?

Peacefully, surrounded by his friends, family, and Twitch chat

Guy Who Doesn’t Have $70 Right Now Elated To Hear About Bad Reviews of Starfield

Posted on September 2, 2023 by Jon Ruggiero

ARLINGTON, VA — A local man without $70 felt happier than he has in years hearing that the recently-released full priced game Starfield is getting bad reviews.

Roderick Pierce, who just finished paying off his library fines, claims that all of the negative press for the Bethesda-developed game is making him exceedingly happy.

“I can’t remember the last time I felt this good,” said Pierce with a wide grin on his face. “It’s so relieving to find out that I don’t have to follow the latest trends just to keep up with the hobby I love. Instead I can sit back and read about how IGN said Todd Howard’s latest disappointment was ‘a bumpy ride’ there are ‘no actual maps’, and worst of all ‘you can’t go anywhere without fast-traveling’. That all sounds so miserable, and yet…” [Note: at this point Pierce couldn’t stop giggling.]

According to people who know Pierce, his uplifted mood has made him more fun to hang out with even if he keeps bringing up Starfield reviews.

“He’s been a lot easier to get along with recently,” confirmed Pierce’s friend Joe Parrish, “but I thought it was because he got that new dispensary job. We were hanging out last night after his shift and he got a notification on his phone. He takes a look and got this goofy look on his face. I ask him what’s going on, and he showed me a review from PC Gamer where they say they were left ‘feeling unimpressed’ with Starfield.

“Apparently he has a feed set up that just notifies him whenever something bad is said about that dumb game. It’s ridiculous; I don’t care what GameSkinny had to say about the outdated leveling system, even if you do. Sure it’s a little annoying, especially since some places say good things about the game, but I haven’t seen him this happy in a while so I’ll let him have his little selection bias.”

As of press time, Pierce was eagerly awaiting Starfield’s release on Game Pass to play it for free and complain about how bad the game is anyway.

Starfield New Game Plus Guide: Does Starfield Have NG+?

Posted on September 2, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Want to try out playing Starfield New Game Plus for a brand-new challenge? Starfield is finally here, and the game is a fairly long playthrough, clocking in at a hundred hours for some. Many players might be wondering if there’s even more to the game after the finale. This Starfield guide will outline everything you can do once you’ve taken the final step in the main questline.

Is There A New Game Plus In Starfield?

Yes, unusually for a Bethesda game and Western RPGs in general, there is a New Game+ (NG+) in Starfield, available right on release day. Its implementation is quite the departure from other games that also feature the mode. WIthout spoiling, the game’s story also makes sense of the choice to play New Game Plus.

What Changes in Starfield NG+?

While the main questline will remain the same, besides any deviations you take in dialogue trees, completely new side quests will become available on your second playthrough of the game, and are exclusive to NG+. There will naturally be a difficulty spike in combat encounters given your higher level.

What Carries Over in Starfield New Game Plus?

The only thing that carries over into New Game Plus is player personal development i.e. XP, levels, challenges, skills, traits, powers etc. Everything else from the current run is wiped including ships, suits, gear, credits, resources, outposts, relationships, and bounties. This amounts to a full reset of the universe, with the sole exception of your character. It’s not a total loss though, as you will be given a full suit of armor and a new ship, both of which are unique to NG+.

The remainder of this guide features spoilers for the main quest’s final mission.

How To Start NG+ In Starfield

Towards the end of the main quest in your first playthrough, there will be one final quest to undertake: “One Giant Leap”. At its conclusion, you will be presented with a choice between stepping into the new universe, or staying in the old. You can choose to wrap up any loose ends in the here and now, while you still have access to all the gadgets and toys you have been accumulating. If all you want is the Achievement for completing the quest, be sure to make a manual save and then step through, and then simply reload your save. In the event that you went through into Starfield‘s New Game Plus without saving first, just reload your oldest autosave from right after your run began, in order to return to normal mode.

That’s everything there is to know about the NG+ mode in Starfield. Check out our guide hub for another great RPG that just recently released: Sea of Stars.

Point/Counterpoint: If Starfield Doesn’t Deliver, XBox and Bethesda are TOAST vs. I Am an Adult

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

**POINT: If Starfield Doesn’t Deliver, XBox and Bethesda are TOAST**

Oh man, Todd Howard and Bethesda sure are in a corner now aren’t they?! They’ve hyped this game so much as the big console exclusive for the year and now they are F-U-C-K-E-D if this game falls short of expectations. Starfield is supposed to sell systems and Game Pass subscriptions, but it might just end up being the death knell for the crappiest video game console that’s out there. I mean, after Redfall shit the bed, there’s just no room for another misstep. It’s a good thing I ride so hard for Sony, because frankly, this would be a downright embarrassing time to be an Xbox fan.

Oh, and did you see the early reviews? They’re coming in and let me tell you, things are looking BLEAK for Bethesda. I mean, there’s been some 7’s and 8’s coming out for it. Can you believe it? A seven. Really think about that. Their goose is COOKED, I’m telling you. Seven’s man. Damn. Todd Howard is probably going to fucking kill himself. Don’t you think Todd Howard is going to kill himself. I would if I made such buggy video games. So that’s it. It’s a total turkey, and there’s absolutely no way Xbox and Bethesda come back from this one. You won’t convince me otherwise.

COUNTERPOINT: I Am an Adult

I’m sorry, but what now? Do you need help finding your parents? Oh, you poor thing. You must be so scared right now. Let’s go use the store intercom and maybe we can find your mom.

‘One Piece’ Villains Ranked By How Likely They Are To Review Bomb The Netflix Series

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Based on the anime and manga of the same name, Netflix’s One Piece has finally been released. And you know what? This live-action adaptation ain’t half bad. Matter of fact, it’s pretty darn good, against all odds. Creator Eiichiro Oda made sure that all of the charm and heart of the original series came through in this new iteration. You’d have to be a real villain to hate on it, so here are the greatest villains from throughout One Piece ranked by how likely they are to review bomb the series.

#20 — Buggy the Clown

Obviously Buggy is going to love the live-action Netflix One Piece. He gets even more screen time than in the source material, and his portrayal by Jeff Ward is a crown jewel of the entire show. Buggy’s an expert at “failing upwards” and there’s no better example of that than a Netflix live-action adaptation actually being watchable.

#19 — Big Mom

There’s nothing that stay-at-home moms love more than binging Netflix. It doesn’t really matter what it is, Big Mom will watch it. Granted she won’t be in the series for quite some time if it gets greenlit for another season (or ten) but you better believe she’s at home right now binging the whole thing along with a tub of chocolate chip ice cream.

#18 — Crocodile

People really misread Crocodile and take him for being a bit of an erudite snob, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Crocodile spends a lot of his downtime watching reality TV, so a Netflix adaptation of One Piece surely wouldn’t be above his taste standards. He even liked that awful Death Note movie they put out a handful of years ago. Remember that? “Normal people scare me”? There’s no way this will miss the mark for him.

#17 — Aokiji

Kuzan, otherwise known as marine admiral Aokiji, claims to have enjoyed the live-action adaptation of One Piece, but can’t remember a single thing about it. He obviously slept through the entire thing and doesn’t want to be embarrassed, so he’ll just keep saying generic statements like “yeah it was good! Loved every episode,” and leave it at that.

#16 — Charlotte Katakuri

Katakuri’s hard-ass exterior only masks his sweet and sensitive interior. You wouldn’t guess it by looking at him, but he cried several times while binging the live-action Netflix series. Oh, you think that’s ridiculous, don’t you? Whatever man, if you watch Sanji’s backstory and don’t feel anything, you’re absolutely heartless.

#15 — Kizaru

This Adam-Sandler-In-Uncut-Gems look alike would watch the live action adaptation of One Piece and like it, but not totally love it. Maybe the CGI was a little too “uncanny valley” for him, maybe there were one too many Garp scenes, I don’t know. He didn’t come away from it offended by it. He just didn’t fully “get” it. And that’s fine. I guess.

#14 — Kaido

Kaido doesn’t care what’s on TV whether it’s Fox News or Netflix. He’s usually passed out in his recliner chair with a beer in hand, and whatever’s on TV just kinda plays endlessly in the background for hours. This so-called “strongest creature on the planet” would rather drown his sorrows in liquor than pay attention to 8 episodes of swashbuckling action packed adventure.

#13 — Alvida

Alvida is the first antagonist in One Piece, and as such, she appears front and center in episode one. She’s more or less what you would call a “tutorial boss” of the series, and is quickly pushed out of the way to make room for more memorable villains and characters. No doubt she’s going to have an issue with that on some level, but appreciates the attention just enough to probably not leave a negative review on Rotten Tomatoes.

#12 — Kuma

Kuma is a man of few words. It’s hard to tell how he feels about much of anything, let alone a live-action adaptation of a long running Japanese manga series. It’s probably just gonna bounce off of him like everything else, and that’s just too bad really.

#11 — Smoker

If season two happens, and knowing Netflix, it could really go either way despite how popular it may be, Smoker knows that his moment to shine is coming soon. He might be disappointed to see so many other Marines get screen time in season one, and think that it messes with the pacing and, well, I’d have to agree. But if he sticks it out, he’ll no doubt be very impressed and get the attention he rightfully deserves.

#10 — Kuro

One of the more forgotten villains from throughout all of One Piece, Kuro will no doubt appreciate his inclusion in this Netflix series, but will maybe feel that sting of knowing that if this series gets popular enough, he’s probably not going to appear again. He might want to see the show “end on a high note” (in his opinion) tragically ending with only one season, but a season that is “Kuro-filled”, at the very least.

#9 — Arlong

I know what you’re thinking. “Why would Arlong even consider review bombing Netflix’s One Piece? He’s got more screen time than you could shake three swords at.” While this is true, Arlong tends to be a bit of a purist. He understands that while this is an adaptation that is meant to fit the storytelling structure of an American television drama a la Game of Thrones, sometimes that can feel a bit forced, and that some of the Arlong “B-plots” might have been a little superfluous. And you know what? He’s not even wrong. Props to him for being unopinionated about this too.

#8 — Rob Lucci

Despite being against piracy in every sense of the word, Rob Lucci pirated the entire first season of One Piece because Netflix turned off password sharing. Previously he was able to watch everything on a joint account with the rest of the Cipher Pol members, so he’s liable to leave a bunch of negative reviews on Rotten Tomatoes just to spite Netflix. But please, Rob, don’t blame One Piece for Netflix’s boneheaded moves. It’s not their fault. All the streaming services are basically evil.

#7 — Caesar Clown

Caesar is going to watch season one of One Piece and be like, “okay, but is there going to be enough ‘clown’ left for me?” Buggy takes up a more significant role in this season, and naturally Caesar is going to worry that it might overshadow his appearance much further down the line if they ever get to it. Then again, who knows if Netflix will even be around by then at this rate.

#6 — Don Krieg

Listen, Don Krieg may not be the most memorable villain from throughout all of One Piece, but my guy really got the shaft here! “Sure,” you may say, “at least he was included at all.” I mean, hardly! Pushing him out of the way in lieu of even more Arlong scenes just felt wrong. And no doubt he’s going to feel he got the shaft here too and take it out by being really toxic on social media.

#5 — Blackbeard

Marshall D. Teach, otherwise known as the dreadful pirate Captain Blackbeard… is an absolute troll. If people like this show, he’s going to review bomb it. If people hate this show, he’s going to sing its praises up on high. It really depends on the general consensus as it comes in over time, but right now people seem to like it quite a bit, so Blackbeard is probably going to hate on it just to be an annoying contrarian.

#4 — Donquixote Doflamingo

If Doflamingo’s Letterboxd account is anything to go by, he is not going to like this series. This kind of stuff is beneath him, quite frankly. A shonen anime adapted into a TV show for a streaming service watched by normies? That’s like poison to his ears. He’s no doubt going to write an ironically detached negative review of it online, and his sycophantic followers will echo his opinion wherever they can.

#3 — Enel

You might not know it by looking at him, but Enel is actually super pro-union. He stands with the actors and writers currently striking on the picket lines, and knows that Netflix has been giving them the raw end of the deal for far, far too long. Knowing that Netflix will profit immensely from this, and that the people who actually made the show will see so little of that money just pisses him off enough that he might make an hour-long video essay titled “Netflix’s One Piece: A Cinematic FAILURE”.

#2 — Akainu

“They made who black?!? That’s it, Netflix has gone woke.” Yeah, we all knew this type of guy was coming. Despite the fact that series creator Eiichiro Oda has publicly stated the ethnicities that many of the characters are based on, and had a heavy hand in who got casted for which role, Akainu will still cry out that it’s liberal propaganda. So you can bet he’s going to negatively review it on every single outlet possible. Even Yelp, for some reason.

#1 — Gecko Moria

“One Piece is unadaptable into live-action!” they cried out. “Netflix should never touch another anime again!” they all said. And yet, Netflix’s One Piece stands triumphant, albeit over a very, very low bar of success. Sure, some of the CGI can look a little “uncanny valley” from time to time, like some of Luffy’s rubber abilities. So with that being said, Gecko Moria is already review bombing this series to high hell, knowing that there is absolutely no way he’s going to look good in live action if they ever get to Thriller Bark. I mean, look at him. How in god’s name is that going to work. He’ll never survive the public embarrassment!

Nintendo Confirms Upcoming Red Switch Represents all the Blood Mario Has Spilled

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Earlier this week Nintendo announced a new version of its popular Switch console, an OLED model that is painted red to represent all the blood spilled by Mario throughout the years, sources have confirmed.

“Geez, that’s pretty bleak, don’t you think?” asked local gamer Lori Summers. “And even if that’s the truth, did they need to tell us that? I think we would’ve thought it was because of, you know, Mario and all that. His red hat and everything. Or after that we would’ve just assumed it was a sharp looking color. Not that stuff about all the blood that Mario has personally shed. That’s very surprising to me.”

Nintendo executives defended the controversial decision and announcement.

“Let’s face it, games aren’t just for kids anymore,” said Doug Bowser, in a video uploaded to Nintendo’s social media pages following backlash about the morbid hardware. “Children that grew up playing Mario are now hard working adults that are firmly aware of his willingness to kill. Frankly, it’s part of the character’s appeal. While we know this decision won’t be popular with some gamers, we think it will prove popular enough to make it worthwhile. Also, if you say anything bad about it we will sue you.”

The new red OLED Switch Model that represents all of the blood Mario has spilled will be released in conjunction with this October’s Super Mario Bros Wonder. As of press time, Nintendo had also announced a limited edition Green OLED Nintendo Switch, which represents Luigi’s envy of Mario’s career.

Gamer Completes Tears of the Kingdom “Time To Finish It, I Guess”% Run

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Patrick Sullivan

Local gamer and speedrunner Peter Grantson claimed the world record earlier this week for the ‘Time To Finish It, I Guess’% run in The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom with a record-shattering completion time of 215 hours.

“My hands are still shaking, this is insane,” said Grantson, taking the top of the leaderboard for the category on speedrun.com. “I was about 160 hours in when I thought to myself ‘…This could be the run’. It was like getting hit with a bolt of lightning, and it made the next 55 hours of gently meandering around Hyrule incredibly stressful.”

The leaderboard for ‘Time To Finish It, I Guess’% has been a battlefield recently, as people are finally getting around to finishing Tears of the Kingdom after months of playing. The previous record for the run was 600 hours held by Carlie Merrick, who claimed she could have shaved 18 hours off the run if she didn’t watch Ted Lasso while playing.

“It was a legendary run timewise,” said Tim “xzelda2003x” MacGregor, who was watching Grantson’ livestream of his run during the exciting conclusion. “I never thought they would do it, but they pulled off an amazing frame-perfect tech at the end to skip 2 Sage’s Wills, 65 caves, some stable pictures, the sand shoes, the Zonai paraglider fabric, 6 Lightroots, that one big horse, Tarry Town, half of Addison’s signs, Autobuild, and 700 Koroks. That’s never been done!”

Grantson is currently practicing for a ‘Try To Maybe Get All The Shrines’% run, and is aiming for a first place time of sub-2 years.

UPDATE: Earlier today, Grantson lost the ‘Time To Finish It, I Guess’% record to Joseph Connors, who didn’t realize what was happening at first until suddenly he was fighting the final boss, and was too invested to turn around.

Board Game Night Lasts From 7:00 Until Someone Storms Out In Anger

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Charles Bill

BROOKLINE, Mass. — A weekly board game meetup reportedly lasts from 7:00 PM until the time someone storms out in a furious episode, several sources confirmed.

“Normally it happens around 10:00 to 10:30,” said Julie Portis, who hosts the weekly gathering. “Around 9:00, I like to bring out the board games that really piss people off. Before then we’re just playing Codenames, or Scattergories, stuff everyone likes. Everyone’s feeling good, having a bit to drink. Then I bring out Catan. Suddenly everyone goes from working together guessing words to slitting each other’s throats for a sheep. These fuckers are ruthless. I’ve seen Dave break up with his boyfriend over a single brick. I also dose people’s drinks with PCP to really fire the whole thing up.”

The first to leave this week came at around 10:37, as a man was seen leaving Portis’ home, muttering loudly to himself about how someone named Nathan always hordes resources.

“This game is horseshit!” said chemical engineer and incensed board gamer Peter Thurman. “These guys like to gang up on me, the moment they see that my road won’t be completed in time they encircle me and start starving me of resources. I think they deserved to have their house ransacked and liquor bottles thrown against the wall. I took an upper decker in Julie’s guest bathroom, I hope she never finds it and her parents have to deal with shitty water flowing in when they visit for Thanksgiving. Can’t wait for next week’s game night though. I’ll be here right at seven!”

This sort of discord appears to be intended from the highest echelons of the board game industry.

“Yes. Fight. Fight to the death,” declared Hasbro CEO and secret supervillain Chris Cocks as he watched the board game night through his Palantir. “I was never invited to board game nights as a child. I sat at home, making business plans, masturbating, and studying for my MBA. Now I’ll show them. I’ll show the whole world! Those fools believed us when we told them that board games bring you together. All they do is tear us apart! And this next game will destroy every friendship left. It’s exactly like Risk, but it’s got one of those ‘Board Game Awards’ on the front so these nerds will buy it.”

As of press time, a full-blown fist-fight erupted at the game night when a participant suggested switching to a puzzle.

Kingdom Hearts Fan and Disney Adult Embarrassed to Be Seen With Each Other

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Ben Friedman

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — A family reunion turned contentious after two cousins, one a Kingdom Hearts fan and the other a 34-year-old Disney enthusiast, refused to be seen anywhere near each other after being introduced, sources have confirmed.

“Talk about cringe. While I studied the Keyblade, he was probably shoving children out of the Dumbo ride line ten times a month,” said Brain MacIntosh. “He told me the characters know him personally at Disney, but like, I’m sure they try to make everyone in a state of arrested development feel that way. That doesn’t impress me. Neither does the $900 he bragged about spending on custom mouse ears for his birthday party.”

The Disney-loving cousin, Drew Wallace, insisted that there was nothing shameful about his interests and insisted that it was Brian who should reevaluate his life, due his intense interest in Kingdom Hearts.

“I’m a grown ass adult and I can spend my money however I please, even if that includes monthly trips to the parks alone,” he said. “At least I’m going outside touching the ornately manicured Magic Kingdom grass unlike that weeb. Believe me, I tried to play Kingdom Hearts way back, but I can’t get into anything that requires me checking Wikipedia every three minutes to explain the lore. Maybe when Brian grows up a bit he’ll see that getting a Tinkerbell tattoo is a more level headed decision than playing six different versions of the same game for over a decade.”

Family matriarch Denise Wallace attempted to keep the peace between the two cousins for nearly two hours, despite being at a loss as to why there was any bad blood.

“As far as I’m concerned both of them are disappointing,” she said. “Brian likes Disney games, Drew likes Disney everything, and I have no idea what this Final Fantasy is they keep arguing about. I guess they’re used to just arguing online with strangers and they forget we’re with family today. It’s embarrassing, frankly. Especially in front of the more successful family members here at the reunion.”

As of press time, Brian and Drew eventually settled their differences after banding together to roast their aunt after she arrived at the party wearing a Gryffindor shirt.