Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

God Damn It: RPG Boss’s Arms And Legs Also Targetable

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Kevin Podas

A DARK CAVE — During a long and drawn out boss fight that wasn’t yielding many results in the way of damage, a battle-weary RPG party quickly realized that the boss’ arms and legs were also targetable in addition to its head and main body.

“Oh my god, I just moved the cursor and it looks like we’re supposed to be hitting its arms and legs too,” said the plucky protagonist, gripping his sword in disbelief. “Instead of just wailing on its body with special moves, limit breaks, and triple attacks, now we have to focus on also taking out its appendages? And let me guess– they regenerate after a certain point and heal the main body too, don’t they? …Man, I can’t believe I broke my role as the silent protagonist for this.”

The stoic antagonist-turned-protagonist of the team chimed in with some thoughts on the revelation as well.

“…” said the stoic mage. “That’s ‘dot dot dot’, if anyone didn’t hear me. Heh– no matter. We’ll just keep killing that monster over and over. I won’t even need the princess’ healing magic or the ample amount of potions that restore a measly 20 HP either. And uh, nobody revive me if I fall in battle, either. You guys seem fully capable of finishing this if I can’t, so I’ll just… catch up with you all later.”

The boss in question, a large rock monster with an annoying fucking face, was maintaining firm control over the situation.

“LOL, I just love being fucking obnoxious, honestly”, said the boss, a floating torso with appendages that animated just enough to look like separate targets. “I’m surprised they didn’t pick up on it after I kept using my left leg to do a powerful sweeping kick to attack the whole team. It was so funny watching them heal over and over, scrambling around trying to figure out why I wasn’t dead yet. Sometimes I think I’m only like this because I didn’t get enough attention growing up, but for now, I’m gonna keep being unnecessarily aggro.”

At press time, the boss’s arms and legs were simultaneously defeated, allowing the RPG party to wail on its main body until it slowly dispersed in mid-air turning into a wealth of EXP points.

‘Flappy Bird’ Guy Gets $12 Million Bill From Unity

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Designer of 2002’s virally popular mobile game Flappy Bird, Dong Nguyne, has reportedly received a 12 million dollar bill from the developers of the Unity game engine, due to new retroactive installation fees they’ve implemented.

“This doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Nguyen, who famously delisted the word-of-mouth hit after its popularity soared to unexpected heights. “I never wanted the trouble that came with having the most popular game of a given moment, and that was before these idiots started talking about charging someone every time their game was downloaded. Please just leave me alone! Also, I didn’t even use the Unity engine.”

Executives from Unity defended the controversial decision to apply arbitrary fees to things like downloaded demos and reinstallations of previously played games.

“You have to understand,” said Unity executive Marc Whitten. ”We’re trying to make as much money as possible here. We’re glad the kids are enjoying their hobby for children, but it’s paramount to all of our success that you stand back and let the grown ups manipulate the thing they’re passionate about in a way that prioritizes shaking people down for every fucking cent we can. We’re sorry if our dedication to capitalism has upset any of our developers. We’re very sorry you feel that way. We feel really bad about it.”

As of press time, Unity had apologized for charging the Flappy Bird guy 12 million dollars, and also went ahead and released their next few public apologies pre-emptively, to stay ahead of things.

Controversial Leak Reveals Microsoft Once Tried to Have Diddy Kong Killed

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — A controversial leak revealing Microsoft’s internal conversations and plans has unveiled a startling discovery: the tech giant once attempted to hire a hitman to assassinate popular Nintendo character Diddy Kong.

“And you’ll do it? You’ll kill that fucking monkey?” reads one of many damning email exchanges between Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer and an undercover agent he believed at the time to be a marksmen for hire. “If we can’t acquire these assholes, we’re gonna hit them where it hurts. And I don’t mean their wallet, I mean I want to torture and kill Diddy Kong and then see what happens the next time we offer to buy them. I want to be clear here, make sure he feels everything. Your money will be given to you upon completion.”

Spencer quickly went into damage control mode after the leak went public.

“Whoa, can’t you guys tell a joke when you read one?” Spencer asked gathered reporters in his front lawn this morning. “First of all, I don’t even think Diddy Kong is real. Why would I spend our hard earned money trying to kill a fictional character? Also, concerning that message where I say ‘Find out if that monkey is real or not and kill it if it is,’ that’s just my sense of humor. That’s how I kid around.”

The shocking and illegal revelation overshadowed many other details about upcoming Xbox plans and products.

“Wow, there’s so many cool things, like new systems and remastered games like Fallout 3 and Oblivion,” said local gamer Kyle Waters. “But I really can’t get past the fact that Microsoft thought they would somehow gain an advantage in the console space if they somehow had Diddy Kong murdered in cold blood. Those guys should just focus on console exclusives and keeping Game Pass good, if you ask me. Not trying to acquire and/or murder the competition.”

As of press time, Spencer was seen joking with the reporters on his lawn that he had a gun in his waistband.

Starfield How to Use Targeting Mode Guide

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Now that you’ve got your best ship and armed it with the best ship weapons in Starfield, it’s time to make effective use of targeting mode in ship to ship combat. This Starfield guide will outline the prerequisites for the use of targeting mode, when and how to engage it, and what it looks like in action.

Targeting Mode Skill Requirement

Prior to even being able to use targeting mode in combat, you will need to invest a single skill point into the Targeting Control Systems skill which is under the Tech tab. This will also allow you to participate in the Challenges that unlock the higher ranks.

When And How To Engage Targeting Mode in Starfield

Your primary motivation for using targeting mode is so that you can focus on the enemy ship’s engines, in order to disable and board it for plunder. Other than that there is no discernible reason to ever even use targeting mode over basic free aim. If you are presented with multiple targets, note that you’re going to have to settle on a single target to ultimately board, after destroying the rest. Also make sure that your selection has enough Hull hit points remaining to withstand the damage it will inevitably sustain from targeted strikes. If possible, lean on ship weapons that do Electromagnetic damage, since that is what disables systems in particular. Disable your auto Turrets as well, so that they don’t inadvertently destroy the enemy ship.

Use free aim to chip away at the enemy ship’s shield, which is the thinner bar above the Hull hit points bar.
When it’s gone, maintain the ship within your targeting reticle, and you will see a prompt to “Select Target”, as seen above. Press the relevant button prompt, and the system will begin a “Locking” progress meter, which is fairly quick, but can be sped up some more by ranking up in the Targeting Control Systems skill.
Once complete, another prompt to “Target Lock” will appear, as seen below. Press the relevant button prompt to enter targeting mode.

Targeting Mode In Action

The targeting system lets you choose which of the enemy ship’s modules to focus fire upon. Use the button prompts to swap between modules. Prioritize weapons systems to prevent return fire, and then use your own Electromagnetic weapons system to destroy the engines. It is entirely possible to accidentally destroy the ship during this process, so exercise restraint with fire controls.

And that’s how to make proper use of the targeting mode system in Starfield. Check out our guide on the best Companion to take along with you as you proceed to board the enemy ship for plunder.

Disney Adult Objects to Being Called Adult

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A local man objected to presumptions about his age after being called a “Disney Adult,” sources familiar with the situation have confirmed.

“‘Adult’ means grown-up, and grown-ups are mommies and daddies,” said a giggling Adam Wall, 35, as he sat in his highchair kicking his legs back and forth. “I’m not a daddy yet! I’m just a Disney baby! Maybe I’ll go to Never Never Land and live with Peter Pan and play games and fight pirates and be a little boy forever!”

Wall’s parents have grown increasingly distressed with his juvenile behavior.

“I know the housing and rental markets aren’t great, and we said he could stay with us as long as he wanted, but it’s becoming such a burden,” said Wall’s mother Janet, who added that she had hoped to retire three years ago. “Travel and accommodations for our tri-annual Disney World trips are just so expensive. I’d be thrilled if he would find a job, or even just a hobby besides this Disney stuff. Maybe then he could meet a nice girl who’s way too into Star Wars or something and they could settle down together.”

Mental health experts report that Wall’s case is not an isolated incident.

“The number of Disney adults displaying age dysmorphia has more than doubled in the last decade,” said Carole Goodwin, LMHC and doctoral candidate at the University of Central Florida. “Some of the individuals affected have children of their own and express the disorder by proxy, forcing them to wear Mickey Mouse onesies and only allowing them to watch classic Walt Disney animated movies. It’s a tragic, debilitating condition. We pushed for it to be included in the latest revision of the DSM V, but the chair is apparently close with Bob Iger.”

At press time, Wall was seen throwing a tantrum when his parents asked him to contribute to the Disney+ subscription after the price increases in October.

Gamer Spends Most of First Date Googling How to Get Best Ending

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

CHICAGO — Local software developer Gabe Williamson spent nearly the entirety of a recent first date scrolling through Google results on his phone trying to ascertain the best ending he could get, nosey restaurant patrons confirmed.

“He was on his phone practically the whole time,” said Melissa Schneider, Williamson’s patient date. “I would ask him a question, like, ‘What do you do for a living?’ and it was, like, boom, straight to the iPhone. I thought he was ignoring me, but after a few minutes, he would look back up, smile, and answer me. I don’t know why it would take him so long to remember that he was an investment banker who loved dogs and had a great relationship with his mother.”

Williamson explained that this behavior was not a nervous tic, but rather a conscious strategy.

“I just wanted everything to go well,” said Williamson, who added that he hadn’t heard from Schneider since the date. “I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and accidentally get locked out of any future content. I read a guide earlier in the day, but there’s a ton of dialogue options, so I couldn’t remember them all. When I searched for individual questions, most of the stuff I found was blogspam, so I had to scroll for a while before I found the right answer. I just wish I had made a new save file before I got to the restaurant so I could explore the other paths. I’ll never know what I missed out on.”

Experts have noted the proliferation of instructional romantic content on the internet over the last decade.

“There’s all sorts of dating advice online, and a lot of it can be useful if implemented wisely,” said Audrey Fischer, a relationship guru and self-help author. “Unfortunately, there’s a lot of junk out there, too. Less scrupulous outlets will steal content from other publications, copying and pasting it without context. Even worse, some websites are using AI to write completely nonsensical relationship guides. Sadly, computers are incapable of love.”

At press time, a review of Williamson’s search history revealed inquiries into how to “100%” a fulfilling and loving relationship.

Mustache Finger Tattoo Starting to Go Gray

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Naomi Krause

DALLAS — A horrified 41-year-old man was horrified to discover that his novelty finger mustache tattoo had started to turn gray, sources have confirmed.

“Man, you never think it’s gonna happen to your finger mustache tattoo,” said David Sanders, after discovering a few gray strands in the mustache inked into the inside of his first finger back in 2003. “I saw that Jim and Boner’s were both getting a little grey, and heck, Will’s just came off of his finger entirely, but I always thought mine was holding on strong. Oh well. Maybe the whole salt-and-pepper finger mustache vibe will be a good fit for me. Like George Clooney, if he had a stupid tattoo everyone was getting 20 years ago.”

Doctors said more and more men are discovering grey hairs in their finger mustache tattoos, and that it’s a perfectly normal part of the aging process.

“We know it can be freaky, but most finger mustache tattoos turn gray after a while,” said Dr. Peter Worthington, a local orthopedic doctor. “Sadly, not many tattoos or heads of hair keep their quality forever. Combining the two was always going to be a bad idea. If you’re sick of it, can you just use a razorblade and shave that layer of your skin off permanently? Why, yes. Yes you can.”

Friends of Sanders understood his mortified reaction to the tattoo.

“I mean not only is it turned gray, which is so weird by the way,” said someone, a friend of his. “But it’s also a reminder of how annoying he was right when he got it back in the day. It was fun for a night, I guess, but he really could have achieved the same thing with a Sharpie, when you think about it. Maybe he could use one now to color it black again, actually.”

As of press time, an embarrassed Sanders refused to take any pictures for the gathered press.

Pervert Zelda Boss Exposes Weak Point To Unsuspecting Subway Crowd

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Kenny Rohrbacher

WASHINGTON — Over a dozen people were left perturbed after a living wraith, later identified as 4,096 year old dungeon boss Miegeinos, The Infinite Sovereign, unbuckled his cloak and exposed his weak point to fellow Green Line patrons Thursday evening.

“It was… definitely noticeable, I’ll put it that way,” local passenger Leah Aaronson reported. “Which I suppose is kind of the point. God, I bet he gets off on this. The little fucker was issuing dark portents and dread proclamations the entire time, too. Ugh. What a freak. And it nearly happened a second time, since someone was just jamming the A button to get through the dialogue and almost said ‘yes’ when he asked if we wanted to see it again.”

The Undying King was eventually subdued by another passenger after a brief physical altercation, in which Miegeinos was Z-Targeted and then struck repeatedly in the obvious weak spot.

“I mean, come on. The thing is just right there,” said Metro Transit chief of police Michael Anzallo. “It’s like the first thing you notice when you look at this creep. Nevermind the fact that it’s flashing red and yellow. I’m glad we got this pervert off the street. Mark my words, DC: he won’t be exposing his weak point to anyone no more.”

In a statement to the press, the not-fully-voiced King Of All simply laughed, while his text box declared ‘I have seen the premonitions, I know what the oracles say. Those ladies loved it and want more!’

As of press time, Miegeinos will be serving his sentence in the boss room of the Ossified Feretory, for five to ten years, or possibly earlier if the Hero Of Hope shows up with the Fluted Trident, the one item that can end the Desiccated Emperor’s reign over life and undeath, first.

“I’ll Uh… Be Right Back,” Our Interview With Yoshihiro Togashi

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Kevin Podas

We spoke with legendary manga artist and notorious hermit Yoshihiro Togashi, the creator of Yu Yu Hakusho and Hunter × Hunter, to discuss his approach towards creativity and how that impacts his work ethic.

First of all, we just gotta know: is it ‘Hunter ECKS Hunter’ or ‘Hunter … Hunter’?

“It’s Hunter cross Hunter, actually. Just to spite everyone.”

Who is your favorite character in Yu Yu Hakusho?

“Kuwabara, obviously. I still resent my editors to this day for not letting me include him in the final story arc. Hunter × Hunter is a response to them, which is to say, ‘I do what I want, when I want, how I want it. Got that suckers?’”

We saw that you finally made a twitter account– with almost 3 million followers! Any chance we could get a follow back?

“I’m trying to keep my ‘following’ count kinda low. You know, at zero. Plus, I don’t really like satire very much.”

**You’re married to Sailor Moon creator Naoko Takeuchi– how did you two meet?**

“We were both workaholics when it came to making manga (laughter). We met at a workaholics anonymous meeting, actually.”

There’s an infamous photo out there of your living room. Is it still that messy?

“I did clean up, but then it got messy again. What’s the point of cleaning if it’s going to get messy again? Really makes ya think, huh?”

Are there any other manga authors out there who you are close with?

“A few, yeah. Like Masashi Kishimoto, the creator of Naruto. I let him steal a bunch of ideas from me every now and then, nobody seems to bat an eye so it’s all good.”

If you could choose any career in the world besides drawing manga, what would it be?

“I would be streaming video games online with the camera off, but that technology wasn’t available at the right time for me. It’s like that old saying goes: ‘Born too late to explore earth, born too early to explore space.’ This more or less applies to what I’m trying to say.”

There was recently a tribute exhibit honoring your legacy of work. Did you attend?

“No.”

**You’re very notorious for going on hiatus a lot. Hunter × Hunter has been running for many years, but you’ve oftentimes stepped away from publication for years at a time. Why is that?**

“A number of reasons, actually. Sometimes I have intense backpain, sometimes I want to play a new video game, and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. Don’t you ever get tired of writing bullshit satire articles like ‘what if Mario was real and he had a gun?'”

Fair point. How do you feel about your manga becoming worldwide sensations?

“People like my shit? Tight.”

A live-action adaptation of Yu Yu Hakusho has been announced by Netflix. One Piece was a success thanks to the creator’s involvement– will you be involved with production of the live-action Yu Yu Hakusho?

“Man, what do you think? Of course not. There’s a new Dragon Quest game coming out in the not too distant future and I need to have some time set aside for that. …And my family.”

So I think it’s pretty safe to say that you consider yourself to be an otaku?

“What? Ew, god no. I’m not an otaku, I’m simply an impassioned enthusiast of things that otaku also tend to enjoy. But no, I am not an otaku.”

Many have praised your use of worldbuilding in your stories. Would you consider yourself to be well-traveled?

“Yeah, well-traveled from my couch to the refrigerator! High five!”

When it comes to your work ethic, what inspires you to pick up the pen and draw?

“My editors blowing up my phone.”

**How do you feel looking back on your more forgotten, shorter-lived series Level E? Someone out there would probably be upset if we didn’t mention it.**

“Level E? What the hell are you talking about?”

**Are there any manga artists that you are not a fan of?**

“Yeah, that bastard Bill Watterson. I loved Calvin and Hobbes. Why did he have to end it? Why couldn’t he have have just gone on an ambiguous years-long hiatus?”

Hunter × Hunter came back from hiatus last year to much anticipation, and then it disappeared shortly after. Even Mr. Beast was in your corner responding to you on twitter. Is it over? Cancelled? Will it ever come back?

“I’ll uh… be right back.”

F-ZERO 99 Best Machine Guide: What is the Best Car to Use?

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Looking to use the best machine in F-ZERO 99? We’ve got you covered with our guide to the car you’re going to want to pilot in your race to the top of the 99-person pack! As of writing, there are 4 different machines available for players to choose from. Here’s how to decide the one that’s best for you!

What is the Best Machine in F-ZERO 99?

In our opinion, the best machine in the game is the Golden Fox. The quick boost charge time is unmatched by any other choice you have, giving you quite a lot of boost to work with every lap. Use this boost to break away from the pack and get a win! The machine has its drawbacks, though, mostly with its vulnerability to collisions. Getting hit by a car or a bad turn into the wall will cause you to bounce around the track like a pinball, burning your precious energy and possibly making you vulnerable to K.O. Overall, the Golden Fox takes a lot of skill to pilot well, but the risk will be worth the reward.

On the other hand, if you want the best F-ZERO 99 machine for beginner racers, you will likely be better off using the Wild Goose. This car is the most durable in the game, and isn’t easily thrown off by collisions. You can afford to get yourself into the action and be pretty rough, which can be helpful for charging your super boost meter and getting to the upper track. This car’s Achilles heel, though, is its low recharge rate. You’ll notice yourself getting a lot less energy per pit stop than other machines, which means you can’t boost as much as your competition. Overall, this is a great car to learn ropes, but you’ll likely want to switch over to the Golden Fox if you want to really pull away from the competition.

That’s all you need to know about the best machine in F-ZERO 99! While you’re here, check out our guide hubs for some of the best games in this packed year of gaming, Starfield and Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom!