Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Hideo Kojima Currently Missing Following Visit To Criterion Closet

Posted on September 21, 2023 by Kevin Podas

NEW YORK — After finally getting his chance to visit the famous Criterion Closet full of Blu-rays and DVDs from the esteemed Criterion Collection, video game director and notable film buff Hideo Kojima was reportedly missing in action.

“He missed his flight back to Tokyo this morning, and we’re not sure where he is,” said Kojima’s personal assistant Ayako Terashima. “We’ve filed a missing person’s report with the NYPD, and have contacted his best friends Norman Reedus and Guillermo Del Toro to see if they’d heard anything from him. The only thing left behind was an inconspicuous cardboard box, so we are all really just hoping for the best.”

Jonathan B. Turell, CEO of the Criterion Collection, stressed that the issue has taken top priority at their organization.

“We take pride in these guided visits of our curated collection, and hold our handpicked guests in high regard,” stated Turrell. “We are all big fans of Mr. Kojima and his work, so suffice to say, we will do everything in our power to find him. One of our staff members noticed that a Blu-ray film prominently featuring Mads Mikkelsen on the cover was missing off the shelf this morning, so we believe that we may well be hot on his trail.”

Noises from the cardboard box were reportedly heard later on in the afternoon.

“Hello? Norman, it’s me,” said a mysterious muffled voice. “Yeah, I’m in. What? No, nobody will find me. I am engaging in tactical espionage to shroud my presence. Just park the motorcycle out front in one hour, and make sure you have room for both me, and a large sack of movies!”

At press time, actor Norman Reedus was seen disguised as a delivery boy, hauling a large person-sized sack around New York City on his back.

Chainsaw Man Characters Ranked By How Fun They’d Be On A Road Trip

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Road trips are a great way to explore the countryside on your own four wheels and see the sights with your own two eyes. They’re even better with some good friends or companions, though that can be a pretty important decision to make, as they can be long and excruciating affairs if you pick the wrong crew. Here are some of the most prominent Chainsaw Man characters ranked by how much fun they’d be on a road trip.

#26 — Katana Man

He’s a dick who won’t stop complaining about his dead grandpa. When he asks you to pull over so he can take a leak, hit the gas and drive off without him. And never look back.

#25 — Bat Devil

He’s huge, he sheds, and he’s constantly hogging the aux cable. Don’t bring Bat Devil along unless you really like “electro swing,” whatever that is.

#24 — Cosmo

All she can say is “Halloween”. That’s going to get old after a while.

#23 — Gun Devil

Do I really need to explain how bad of an idea this is? I guess if you get carjacked he’s good for self-defense, but generally a pretty loose cannon. He’s literally a giant hair trigger.

#22 — Akane Sawatari

Akane is a bit of a snake and generally untrustable. She made a contract with the Snake Devil, after all. Don’t be surprised if some of your quarters are missing from the dashboard when you get back from the bathroom.

#21 — Hirokazu Arai

This guy’s a total stick in the mud. He’ll constantly be keeping an eye on the speedometer, making sure you don’t go over. “Whoa buddy, do you really need to go 50 in a 45 zone? What’s the rush?” Total boy scout.

#20 — Reze

This chick is a walking red flag, and can be a little explosive if you catch her in the wrong mood. Who knows what could happen if you bring her along, but it’s sure to keep things interesting and lively anyway.

#19 — Makima

Speaking of red flags… Makima is going to try to dictate every decision you make and control every aspect of your travel plans. But uh, maybe she’s into you?

#18 — Beam

His head turns into a giant shark sometimes. That’s going to be a problem.

#17 — Yutaro Kurose

He’s usually with Michiko so they’re going to be a package deal.

#16 — Michiko Tendo

She’s usually with Yutaro so they’re going to be a package deal.

#15 — Fami

She’s the Famine Devil, so naturally she’s going to eat all the snacks in the car. The closest convenience store is off the next exit and that’s apparently… 40 miles away. Thanks a lot, Fami.

#14 — Aki Hayakawa

Listen, Aki is super chill, but he’s not the best conversationalist. He’s also constantly wanting to stop for smokes, too, which is going to add a lot of time to the trip. Don’t be surprised if you end up at your destination a day or so late if you bring Aki.

#13 — Kishibe

Kishibe is absolutely going to be trashed the whole time, so he could never help out and take the wheel when you’re tired of driving. He’s cool to talk to at least, and he’s got a lot of wild stories to tell.

#12 — Hirofumi Yoshida

It’s hard to get a read on this guy, but he seems to be pretty chill with you, so I guess that’s good? He’s also got a contract with the Octopus Devil, which… isn’t very helpful, but it’s also not a deterrent either.

#11 — Denji

Ah yes, we’re finally at Denji. He’s generally up for anything, and even has the power to become Chainsaw Man, who’s so popular there’s even a church dedicated to him– but nobody even knows his name! “He just like you FR!” Just don’t expect his broke-ass to pitch in for gas.

#10 — Falling Devil

You can count on the Falling Devil to bring some good food for the road, but every once in a while it’s a guy’s head or something. No thanks.

#9 — Power

Power is “kind of a lot” for some people. She’s loud, she’s demanding, and she says what’s on her mind. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though, as you’ll never have to guess what she’s thinking if she gets really quiet in the car sometimes. Just let her sleep.

#8 — Quanxi

Quanxi will agree to come along, but will always ask if she can bring her harem of Fiends along. They’re a pretty fun bunch, but you might not have enough seats in the car to accommodate everyone.

#7 — Asa Mitaka

Asa can be a bit of a downer until you get to know her better. She might not say much for the first few hours of the drive, and can even seem a little judgmental, but just give her some time to open up and you’ll be good buddies by the end of the trip. Side note: if she ever gets a little moody, keep in mind that she’s possessed by the War Devil sometimes.

#6 — Angel Devil

He’s generally pretty easy to talk to and willing to tag along for just about anything, but he’s got kind of a guilt complex. His apologies can become a little tiring, even if he means well. It’s fine that you spilled your soda, dude. That was 9 hours ago. Let’s move on.

#5 — Galgali

Even though Galgali is technically the Violence Fiend, he’s super polite and straightforward. Seriously, you put this guy in a car with a complete stranger, and they’ll have exchanged phone numbers to text each other by the end of it.

#4 — Kobeni Higashiyama

Let’s be honest: Kobeni is a total spaz. But she can provide her own car if needed, and will even drive the entire time. She says it puts her at ease, so you can just kick your feet back and relax the whole time until someone accidentally cuts her off in traffic.

#3 — Future Devil

The Future Devil is a great travel planner. Seriously, he knows exactly what’s going to happen, and will tell you if there’s anything fun going on in cities along the way. He’s also basically a living breathing GPS, and a generally fun guy! Missed your exit? No worries- Future Devil’s got you covered.

#2 — Himeno

She’s gonna smoke a lot in the car, but has the decency to at least roll the windows down. She’s also got you covered if you need to bum a cigarette at any time, and will offer to pay for dinner if you agree to stop at Waffle House. Himeno’s great.

#1 — Pochita

He’s quiet, he’s loyal, and he’s man’s best friend with a chainsaw for a head. What’s not to love?

Lakitu Ignores ‘Annoyingly Loud Motorcycle’ Flying Into Mushroom City Gap

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Will Carnevale

MUSHROOM CITY — Longtime Mario Kart Racing referee Lakitu has been implicated in the falling death of a Mushroom City motorcyclist during last night’s race.

“‘Look at me, showing off on my annoyingly loud motorcycle.’ Like this job isn’t hard enough on my tiny ears,” Lakitu was heard saying of the driver and his vehicle in unedited footage of the race obtained from Mario Kart TV. Investigators confirmed from the wreckage that the motorcycle’s exhaust system had been illegally modified to reach decibel levels consistent with Lakitu’s description.

“A wheelie. Cool. Yeah, wave to the camera,” Lakitu went on to say toward the end of the third lap. “Better watch for the gap, though… Whoops. I sure hope someone has a fishing rod.”

In statements released through his attorney, Lakitu does not accept responsibility for the crash, and instead holds that Mario Kart Racing’s understaffing is to blame. Over the years, Lakitu’s job duties have expanded to include guiding competitors around the tracks, waving flags, rescuing falling vehicles, and, most recently, capturing most or all video for MKTV. Mario Kart Racing, however, has suggested that Mushroom City is more liable.

“We take our a-partnerships with a-municipalities like Mushroom City very seriously,” explained Mario Mario, head and namesake of the Mario Kart Racing organization. “But we a-rely on a-local governments to help us prevent this a-kind of a-tragedy by making their own decisions about whether to allow a-civilians on the road during our dangerous races, and taking precautions like a-designing their elevated a-highways with a-guardrails.”

In addition to rejecting claims of sluggishness toward infrastructure improvements, some members of Mushroom City Council have called for greater scrutiny of Lakitu’s ties to the Koopa Troop, an armed militia with a decades-long history of violence against the Mushroom Kingdom and its citizenry.

“I won’t deny that watching people fall to their deaths is a big part of mainstream Koopa culture,” said King Bowser Koopa, a regular Mario Kart competitor and infamous leader of the Koopa Troop, of which he confirmed Lakitu is a reserve member. “But Mario Kart is supposed to be a safe space. I mean, have you ever once seen me kidnap Peach during a race? Even when the course was literally inside my house? No. So you can rest assured that Lakitu will be court-martialed and punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

As for how this controversy will affect the future of the sport, Mario Kart Racing reassured its sponsors on a call today that the spectator experience will go unchanged, with Mario himself announcing that Lakitu has already been fired and replaced as referee, flagman, first responder, and camera operator by four other identical Lakitus, each also named Lakitu.

Check out our Mortal Kombat and Mario Kart shirts, available for a limited time!

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Wow! YouTuber’s Video Topic Lines Up Perfectly With Their Recent Experiences on SkillShare

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

NEW YORK — Viewers were stunned to discover a recent video essay from YouTuber MoviePhoneSam happened to have a lot in common with a recent online course the content creator took on SkillShare.

“Now, Eddie Brock got in a lot of trouble trying to sell fake pictures to the Daily Bugle, but editing photographs isn’t actually as hard as it seems, as I learned in a recent Photoshop course I took on SkillShare,” said MoviePhoneSam at the end of their video “Why Spider-Man 3 Is An Underrated CLASSIC!” “ You too can learn tools and expertise that can help you nail that job interview, discover a new hobby, and more with my promo code MOVIEPHONE. Just don’t tell Jonah!”

Many recent SkillShare users reported serendipity between their use of the platform and recent events in their lives.

“I was sitting in Central Park the other day and people kept coming up to ask me to take pictures of them in front of Bethesda Fountain,” said freelancer Carol North. “This isn’t too unusual, it’s a hotspot for tourists after all. But I had just that morning finished a course on iPhone photography. It felt too weird to just be a coincidence, right?”

When reached for comment, SkillShare CEO Derek Braverman praised the company’s recent success, but expressed concern about its effect on its customers.

“Here’s the thing. I’m happy to sell more subscriptions. But we’re not making deals with these people. This is happening on its own. We don’t even have a marketing department!”

At press time, President Joe Biden announced the recent prisoner exchange with Iran had a lot in common with a course they recently took on negotiating contracts through SkillShare.

Editors Note: Working on this article was made so much easier thanks to a recent course on maintaining focus while writing.

REVIEW: ‘Mortal Kombat 1’ on the Switch is Held Back by Subpar Graphics

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Mortal Kombat 1, one of the year’s most highly anticipated games, released this week, and sadly the Switch version’s graphics are quite a letdown. It would be absurd to expect a similar quality to the Xbox and PlayStation counterparts, of course, but I’m afraid the downgrade is too much in this instance to recommend the purchase, especially with its $70 price tag.

Mortal Kombat 1 touts itself as a reimagining of the franchise’s timeline, yet it’s hardly a back to basics approach on the PS5 and current Xboxes. While starting a new chapter of story, the gameplay is a continued evolution of the Mortal Kombat style that’s been adding depth and nuances for decades at this point. If the complicated fighting style overwhelms you, then it actually makes it a little easier to recommend the Switch version, as most of that stuff isn’t in there. But you can High Punch the shit out of your opponent. The blood looks really good, too!

Old favorites Sub-Zero and Rayden both made the MK1 roster!

Mortal Kombat 1 on the Switch is decent, let’s be clear. It’s got some of the game’s most iconic characters, as well as some truly vivid locations. A lot has been made, unfairly in my opinion, about the game’s clearly inferior graphics on the Nintendo hardware. And while that is true, a lot of people are choosing to focus on the negatives and not the positives, like that fun minigame where you see how many wooden boards you can karate chop your way through. Gamers, critics, and fanbases are all just very cynical, I’m afraid. Mortal Kombat 1 on the Nintendo Switch was probably never going to be given a very fair shake. It’s got some redeeming qualities!

Ultimately, however, the disappointing graphics do make this a hard game to recommend. You can tell MK1 on the Switch was made with effort and love, but it’s just underwhelming on a technical level. There’s no ray tracing or anything like that. They do have this cool thing where you can knock your enemy down to the bottom of a pit with just an uppercut, but that hardly makes up for the outdated graphical style on display here.

Maybe one day there will be a Mortal Kombat 2 that could be a huge step forward for the series. Until that day, this unimpressive version of Mortal Kombat will have to do. Oh, unless you have any other console!

The game’s death sequences remain as vivid and grisly as ever

Check out our Mortal Kombat and Mario Kart shirts, available for a limited time!

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‘Untitled Goose Game’ Developers Embarrassed They Still Can’t Think Of One

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

MELBOURNE — Representatives from House House, the company behind the popular Untitled Goose Game, are reportedly very self-conscious over still not being able to come up with said title, frustrated sources with one just on the tip of their tongue confirm.

“I can’t believe we released it without one. C’mon, man, think! Thiiiiiiiiink!!! It’s been almost five years now!” wailed designer and House House co-founder Stuart Gillespie Hook, while intensely staring at a scale model of the Goose Game like a forsaken god. “The damn thing still doesn’t have a proper title, and it’s starting to get a little ridiculous getting my ass kicked by upset gamers over that fact every day on my walk to and from work. THIIIIIINK, DAMN YOU!”

Amid the uproar, contemporary artists across the world have attempted to bolster the non-titling of the work.

“We modern artists have been not-titling our greatest creations for centuries!” said oatmeal-sculptor Hiram Trythall, as they slopped a spoon into a big vat of dyed-purple steel-cuts and tried to make it look like ‘wartorn Pittsburgh’. “Sure, it makes alphabetization an absolute shit-show, but we as artists need to come together and agree: sometimes coming up with a title is too damn hard and some of us are quite lazy! Untitled Goose Game stays, huzzah!”

Nintendo officials couldn’t believe the gaffe, and have spent years fielding irate phone calls since the game’s release.

“Every second of the damn day someone’s calling in from around the world thinking their game’s defective because it came without a title. Buddy, call me when there’s no goose, THEN we’ll have a real problem,” said Nintendo helpline attendant Phil Silanti, while chain smoking three cigarettes simultaneously. “I swear, the last time we had this much trouble was when we released Minecraft and dummies started complaining ‘why is it YOURcraft???’ Christ…”

At press time, House House was nearing a unanimous decision on the perfect name: Titled Goose Game.

Starfield Unique Ship Modules Guide: All Vendor Locations

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Looking for the ship vendors who sell unique modules for your personalized ship build in Starfield? Once you have bought the best ship, and outfitted it with the best ship weapons, you will probably want to expand your horizons further with ship modules that make you stand out from the pack, or maybe even build one completely from scratch. This Starfield guide will identify each of the official manufacturer-owned shipyards and vendors, as well as their locations across the galaxy.

Nikau Henderson

Nikau is located aboard the Deimos Staryard, in the orbit of Mars’ moon Deimos in the Sol System. The manufacturer Deimos itself specializes in a militaristic aesthetic in their Structural parts. Several of their massive bridges are unique to this Staryard as well:

DS30.1 Ares Bridge
DS30.2 Ares Bridge
DS40.1 Ares Bridge
DS40.2 Ares Bridge

Inaya Rehman: Starfield Unique Ship Modules

Hopetech is represented by Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System. A great aesthetic choice for crafting your perfect cargo/hauler ship design, their Structural category is one to browse thoroughly, especially for spines that can be traversed through. The Overseer Bridge line can be placed atop nodes, unlike most other cockpits which are connected at the rear of the module.

Hopetech Radiator
Hope 4 Landing Bay
Overseer 300 Bridge
Overseer 300E Bridge
Overseer 400 Bridge

Veronica Young: Starfield Ship Vendor

The representative for Taiyo Astroneering is Veronica Young who makes her offices in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System. With the nicest store aesthetics of all ship manufacturers, you can actually walk around in lifesize models of their cockpits.

Samurai Enhanced Cockpit
Daimyo Enhanced Cockpit
Shogun Enhanced Cockpit
Himeji Command Bridge

Havershaw: Starfield Unique Ship Modules Vendors

Havershaw represents Stroud-Eklund aboard their very own Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System. Their cockpits designs tend to have them be placed atop modules.

Stability Pro Landing Bay
Kon-Tiki B-300 Bridge

Nova Galactic Ship Services Technician

This unnamed Ship Services Technician is in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System, and represents the ship manufacturer Nova Galactic. Nova Galactic has exceptionally unique aesthetics, making Habs and Structural the categories that you should be paying attention to, as well as the two-tiered cockpit.

Cabot C3 Bridge
Cabot C3X Bridge
Cabot C4 Bridge

Lon Anderssen: Starfield Buy Shielded Cargo Holds & Scan Jammers

Lon can be found in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System. In keeping with the shady nature of this entire locale, the Red Mile’s ship technician sells exactly what a space-faring criminal needs.

Shielded Cargo Holds from a variety of manufacturers
Scan Jammers

That was all six of the ship vendors that stock unique ship parts in Starfield. Be sure to check out our guide on how to move faster on the ground with the alternate boost jump method.

Top 50 Games You Are Guaranteed to Quit Before Finishing

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

The one thing I like more than starting a new video game is walking away from one, knowing that I’ll never have to commit time or energy to playing it ever again. If you’re like me, the list below will come in handy when you’re deciding which game you’ll abandon forever just as it’s getting good.

1. Kingdom Hearts III

Sometimes, you’ll trudge through a disappointing game in a series you love in the hope that the ending will somehow redeem it. There was never any hope for that, here. It’s just a mess.

2. Advance Wars 1+2: Re-Boot Camp

After a few missions, it will really sink in that this is just the same experience you had on your GBA a thousand times over in 2003. Hey, it was still a decent use of that Nintendo Switch Voucher you got for Tears of the Kingdom.

3. Baldur’s Gate 3

You’ll spend 80 hours in this game, making a dozen characters. None of them will see the end of Act 2.

4. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords

Everyone told you you had to get the Restored Content Mod, but they didn’t tell you how boring the cut droid planet is.

5. Alien Isolation

Either you’ll be too scared to even get to the part where the Xenomorph is revealed, or you’ll get bored by the desperately stretched-out and repetitive content in the final act of the game. In both cases, you’re not seeing the ending.

6. Fire Emblem: Three Houses

You think you’re a tough guy, so you’ll leave permadeath on when starting the game. Then a single character will die and you won’t be able to bring yourself to continue. It’s a tale as old as time.

7. Splatoon 3

I know some people love the single-player campaign in this one, but come on. Don’t you want to party up for some Salmon Run?

8. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II

With an install size that big, I thought for sure it would be worthwhile. Honestly, though, I just never really felt like playing it. I bet you’ll probably feel the same way.

9. Nioh

I’m not saying you won’t like the game. You probably will. But you’ll burn out long before you get to Nioh‘s true ending.

10. Starfield

Maybe you’re the kind of person who likes to navigate through a series of labyrinthian menus in order to change your space helmet so you get slightly better protection against a certain type of damage. It doesn’t really matter, though, since all the combat will blur together until your brain is completely checked out.

11. Skyrim

Honestly, who cares about all that Dragonborn nonsense? I’d rather steal a bunch of wooden cutlery and pile it all up in my house, wouldn’t you?

12. Horizon Zero Dawn

Okay, this might be a personal one. I just think regular dinosaurs are cooler than robot dinosaurs. It’s all just a bit “hat-on-a-hat” for me.

13. Sid Meier’s Civilization VI

What’s that, you think you finished this game? Oh, are you currently ruling the world? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

14. Stardew Valley

You’ll boot the game back up after a week away and stand paralyzed at your storage chests. You just know you had a plan for all this copper. Was it really just sprinklers? It felt so much grander last Saturday.

15. Pillars of Eternity

The game is at least accurately named.

16. Just Cause 2

Honestly, who cares about finishing the story? Have fun blowing stuff up. That’s why we’re here.

17. Grand Theft Auto 2

It came in a bundle, and it seemed like a good idea to have historical context for the series. You’ll get your fill of context in less than five minutes.

18. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+ 2

It’s okay that you didn’t 100% this one. You got your money’s worth out of it. Reliving your youth doesn’t mean you have the kind of free time you did back then.

19. The Witcher 3

There’s just so much to do. Sure, you’ll beat it someday. But first, let’s do a few sidequests, okay?

20. Shadow of the Tomb Raider

Eventually, you’re going to get sick of watching that poor lady get brutally killed.

21. Fallout 4

Another settlement needs our help.

22. Animal Crossing: New Horizons

During lockdown, we all thought we were going to 100% our catalogs and museums. How’s that been going for you?

23. Hidden Object Vacation

C’mon. You think you’re gonna find *all* the hidden objects? What are you, some kind of super brain?

24. Stray

It’s a cool little kitty platforming demo until the robot story takes over. They just announced a movie; it’ll probably be easier to watch that.

25. Dragon Age: Inquisition

I know it’s supposed to be a great game, but we were all Bioware-d out by this point. It’s like getting into a long-term relationship.

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Raid Announces Pikmin Spray

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

RACINE, Wis. — SC Johnson unveiled today a new product in their Raid line of pest control products designed to eliminate Pikmin infesting customers’ homes and gardens.

“Finding Pikmin in your home is bad enough. Trying to get rid of them? That’s no game,” said SC Johnson Director of Marketing Tory Walker. “We all know how frustrating it can be to get rid of those little multi-colored pests. But Raid’s new Ultra-Deadly Spray protects both inside and outdoor areas from all varieties of Pikmin. Even Purple Pikmin don’t stand a chance!”

Ultra-Deadly Spray is available both as an aerosol spray and as a bunch of little red balls that Pikmin can’t resist carrying away.

“I woke up last night and came down for a glass of water and what do I find? A bunch of Pikmin hanging out in my kitchen, sliding around on the little rails I set up and carrying away all my grapes,” said Ultra Deadly Spray user John Gaines. “Luckily I had some of this brand new Ultra-Deadly Spray which took care of them. Their screams almost woke my wife up!”

Pikmin creator Shigeru Miyamoto urged the company to discontinue production of the spray, citing unknown environmental consequences and cruelty to whatever kind of animal a Pikmin is.

“When I created the Pikmin, all I wanted was to bring my newfound love of gardening to as many people as possible,” said Miyamoto, staring out the window as a heavy Kyoto rain fell outside Nintendo headquarters. “I wonder now if they were simply too innocent to survive in our world. Maybe we deserve to be washed away.”

At press time, SC Johnson also announced a line of Pellet Decoys that kill every Pikmin instantly upon being returned to an Onion

Grizzled Nexus Modder Pulled Out of Retirement to Fix One Last Bethesda Game

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Matt Shore

LEXINGTON, Ky. 一 A former Nexus modder was called out of retirement to fix the latest bug-riddled masterpiece by popular game developer Bethesda Softworks, sources have confirmed.

Nicholas Congin, 38, known in the Nexus modding community as D4rkXpl0it or “Xploit” for short, received his marching orders on Sep. 1 when Bethesda’s Starfield went into early access. His former colleagues in the Nexus community began spamming him with messages, begging him to “save” Starfield with his trademark blend of bug fixes and hardcore pornography.

“I started modding in 2010 with Fallout: New Vegas,” said Congin. “There were a couple game-breaking bugs that I fixed, like how none of the female characters had ginormous exposed breasts with realistic jiggle physics. Once ‘Massive Boobs Extreme + Bug Fixes 1.0’ went live, I finally put some respect on my name.”

Congin’s popularity grew as he modded 2011’s The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, adding volumetric weather affects, an improved inventory management system, and a penis-shaped sword named Cumslaught that could ejaculate fireballs. But when Congin attempted to add a compelling story and non-boring base building system to 2015’s Fallout 4, the process nearly broke him.

“Xploit was working on a really sexy mod that would’ve replaced Nick Valentine with Donkey Kong, but he just got burned out and bailed,” explained fellow modder Sh4d0wTh13f. “I didn’t think he’d mod again. That is, until I saw the long loading times and lack of full-on penetration in Starfield. I texted him, and he was like, ‘I saw. Already on it.’”

Bowing to peer pressure and popular demand, Congin set to work on optimizations for Starfield, including an improved upscaler, stabilized frame rate, and velvety smooth ass implants for Vasco the robot. Comments on his mods suggest that his fans are “able to run Starfield on a potato” and “blasting off in (their) pants” thanks to Congin’s contributions.

Even Starfield game director Todd Howard is relieved to have Congin back in the community.

“At Bethesda we rely on unpaid modders to finish our games for us so that we can move on to our next paid projects guilt-free,” Howard explained. “Xploit is a big part of why I’m able to sleep comfortably at night. Plus, his Doja Cat Twerking Terrormorph mod doesn’t hurt.”