Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

20 Unplayable Garbage Games Coincidentally on Platforms I Don’t Own

Posted on September 24, 2023 by Matt Shore

Remember the good old days, when games were well-made, provided countless hours of fun, and my parents still loved me? Yeah, when I think of the best gaming days of my youth, I think the fall of 2001, a time when everything was right in the world. There we were, crowded around the TV set, bouncing around each other’s Monkey Balls and loving every second of it. Why can’t games today capture that feeling I had back then? Nowadays it feels like every release is broken unplayable garbage, and no, not just because I can’t afford the current consoles or because my Gateway PC is still running Windows ME. This is an unbiased and extensive look at the 20 worst modern games of all time, according to me, a guy who has seen them on YouTube.

#20. Returnal

Oh, so it’s like Metroid but there’s no Samus and I can’t even become a ball (I assume)? Why would I play this trash when I could just play Metroid Prime on my GameCube? Metroid Prime was ahead of its time in 2002, and if Returnal came out in 2021, that means it’s like 30 years behind its time. And that’s just math. Nice try, “Sony.”

#19. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice

Oh, so you jump around like Mario, but you only have two lives? Then they take out all the coins so you can’t earn any more? And where the fuck is Yoshi? This is a conceptual nightmare. Plus you can tell from the cover art that the game takes itself way too seriously. Games should be like my birthday, going to Hooters with the boys from the free clinic, not a trip to some museum of boredom. If I wanted to learn about Japanese history, I’d just play Ikaruga.

#18. Halo: Infinite

More like Halo: Un-fun-ite. There was already a game just like this when I was a kid. It had multiplayer, aliens, and spaceships, the works. I think it was called Jet Force Gemini. (I shouldn’t have traded in my N64 so I could get that Nokia N-Gage, but I still think that thing had a chance until the Vita came along and ripped it off.) Anyway Jet Force Gemini was sick. You had this hot-ass sister and a dog made of laser guns or some shit? I dunno. I was doing whippets the first time I played because I was trying to impress my cousin Dave. Halo sucks!

#17. Spider-Man 2

Are you fucking kidding me? We already had Spider-Man 2 on GameCube and it was the best game ever made! How does Jim Ryan keep getting away with this shit? He not only stole the concept but he stole the name too. I bet this one doesn’t even have Tobey Maguire in it. Whoever plays Spider-Man in this probably sucks. (EDIT: Holy shit. The guy who plays Spidey was The Prince in Prince of Persia: Sands of Time AND Sasuske in Naruto: Rise of Ninja. I think I will start a charity fund to help him recover from the inevitable commercial failure of this Spider-Man 2 rip-off bullshit.)

#16. Red Dead Redemption 2

Oh, I’m a cowboy or whatever. Fuck off.

#15. Minecraft

Do you see? Do you see how they mock our heritage with this blasphemy? It’s a game that masquerades as a classic title to trick me into thinking I can shove the disc into my GameCube, but of course when I try with my nephew Blake’s disc, it’s too fucking big and just gets scratched to shit. If it’s not a GameCube game, why is everything in Minecraft so square and shitty looking? Why are you blue-balling me with some shit I would probably want to play if I could play it? Not that that’s the reason I am saying the game sucks, but still, it probably does suck, so I’m not even jealous that I don’t get to play it.

#14. Fortnite

My nephew always wants to play this shit with me, and I have to scream at him to get him to shut up. That or I’ll bury his inhaler in the yard so he can busy himself looking for it and stop bothering me. Anyway Blake tells me its a murder game where you ride around in a bus and shoot people. Honestly that sounds cool as hell and reminds me a lot of a game I was designing in the margins of my Ethics notebook back when I was goth in high school. Except I wasn’t an “official” goth because the other goth kids wouldn’t accept me. They said I was too violent and crazy ’til I chucked that wrench at them to prove ‘em wrong.

#13. Overwatch

When I try to impress the chicks at GameStop by acting out the cool Wave Race jumps I can do, they always start laughing at me. This is another sign that the modern gamer does not have the class or intelligence of the retro gamer. I’ll start cussing the chicks out until the GameStop manager asks me to leave, which is really a fucked up thing for her to do, since she’s my mom. It’s like great, now we have to have a talk about this when she gets home? She already hates my guts since I wrecked her truck trying to jump the lake. Assholes at the game store are like, “You’re so toxic! I bet you play Overwatch.” And I’m like, “Show’s what you know! I can’t even run that shit!” Idiots.

#12. The Last of Us Part II

I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but it’s not true. I don’t have some weird thing where I fantasize about a really muscley lady choking me out while I finish myself off. That would be weird right? I mean, if you told a really muscley chick about that, she’d probably be grossed out, right? Well, do you know any? I mean, if you know one, see what she thinks first. Because I just want to be sure that she would be grossed out like I think she would be. Anyway, sometimes I watch Let’s Plays of this game in slow motion because the one muscley lady grosses me out so much. I have to watch them again and again to really make sure I’m not into it. And to be clear, I am very, very, not into it. So this game must really suck, you know?

#11. Kingdom Hearts HD 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue Cloud Version

What? I can’t even understand this title. How can it be the final chapter and the prologue? 2.8? Are they releasing the patches on physical disks now? Cloud version? Is this what Stadia is? I can’t run Stadia on a Gateway, so that’s automatically points off on this game. I think Mickey is in this and I like him. I met him once when I was a kid, and I begged him to let me live with him, and I cried and cried, but my asshole parents dragged me away. So fuck this game for making me remember that! Disney really are some manipulative assholes.

#10. Horizon: Zero Dawn

Wait, so you’re some muscley chick who shoots robots with explosive arrows? Holy shit… but it’s not on GameCube? Fuck! This is just like my life, man! I can’t catch a break! I’m thinking of moving to Sandusky with my Dad but he says he doesn’t want me there because his new wife says I keep breaking her Precious Moments figurines. And granted, yes, I do really like breaking them, but that’s a pretty shitty thing for a dad to say! I just need a space of my own where I can steal some shit and sell it so I can afford a PS4! Then I can finally spend some time with this redheaded muscle lady. But until that day comes, this game is hot garbage.

#9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shedder’s Revenge

Fuck! They made a new Ninja Turtles?! I’m gonna cave my skull in! Maybe if I bend the disc a little it’ll run on GameCube. Wait- the Gateway has a disc drive. It’s a retro-looking game, it should work on an old PC, right? Fuck! This is why modern games suck! They are elitist!

#8. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Okay, so, breath is just mouth-wind, and being wild is like being very awake. Therefore this is just a cheap knock-off of Wind Waker, and I’ve already played Wind Waker, so I don’t need to be jealous that I can’t play this game. This is just another shady attempt by Nintendo to take my sperm donation money with a half-assed remake! Also the weapons break? Weak.

#7. Pokémon Scarlet

When I first saw videos of this game I was so excited. Based on the environments, frame rate, and animations, this was clearly a GameCube game! Finally, something I could actually play! But of course it’s just a Nintendo Switch game that looks and runs like a piece of shit. Nintendo is always a pioneer in the field of gaming, specifically in finding new ways to piss me off.

#6. Microsoft Flight Simulator

I actually played this for a few hours at my cousin Dave’s. He left his apartment unlocked. Well, one of the windows anyway. I mean it was easy enough to jimmy open. There was something so rewarding about flying through the air then nose diving into my own house over and over. It’s like I’m Donnie Darko. I even sometimes see that rabbit guy in the mirror when I haven’t slept for a few days. But you know what is some honest to god actual bullshit? They don’t even show the carnage when you crash in this game. You can’t see the planes explode or the people on fire screaming or praying or anything. Some “simulator.” Way to sacrifice realism to make a game for babies. I tried installing a mod that would make the planes explode more awesomely, but then it bricked Dave’s computer and he’s like super pissed at me now.

#5. Stardew Valley

What a wussy game! They act like it’s some cool SNES game but it’s just a dating simulator where you plant crops. What kind of lame sissy loser wants to play a game where you live in a peaceful village, earn an honest living, fall in love, wash the dark thoughts out of your head? And then when you’re finally happy and settled, you can call home and say, “Fuck you, Mom! I’m the reason you almost got fired from GameStop! I planted that weed in the cash register!” That’s why I hate this game. You can’t even grow weed.

#4. God of War (2018)

Sometimes I think about how I’m just like Kratos. I’m bald, have a beard, and I love throwing axes at shit. Just ask my neighbor’s Dodge Dart. If I were a dad like him, I would teach my kid that life isn’t fair. You don’t get shit handed to you on a silver platter. There aren’t any tool tips or tutorials. You just hit the ground running and deal with shit as it happens. Then I would leave him in the woods. If he survived and made his way home, I would be proud to call him my son. I have had this dream for 17 years, and I am pretty sure Jim Ryan stole it from me, because I have been posting about it on r/Parenting pretty relentlessly (until I got banned). For that alone, I will sue Sony for 10 million dollars, or one GameCube port of this game. Until my demands are met, this game sucks.

#3. Pikmin 4

Okay, now this one seriously should have been on GameCube. It’s the same fucking thing! And I’m the only person who played the first two! This is bullshit, Nintendo! I owned a Virtual Boy before my dog knocked over the TV tray and smashed one of the lenses! I fucking loved that thing! When I blink sometimes I see red in my left eye, and it won’t stop until I sneeze! And this is the kind of diehard fan that you are neglecting when you only put your Pikmin games on some obscure non-GameCube console! Get your shit together!

#2. Hollow Knight

Oh, fuck this. This one reminds of that chick I dated who worked at Hot Topic and always wore branded Invader Zim clothes. I took her out to lunch at the food court and told her everything that was wrong with her so that she couldn’t accuse me of hiding anything from her. (Women love honesty.) She threw an Orange Julius at me and started crying. Whatever. Like I was even interested in her. (If she is reading this I am willing to give her another chance.) Anyway, if I wanted to play some Tim Burton notebook vomit I’d fiddle with my Wavebird while watching my Nightmare Before Christmas VHS. Shit, that sounds like a pretty fun time, actually.

#1. Luigi’s Mansion 3

Luigi’s Mansion was a GameCube launch title. This shit is my birthright. It is an act of personal aggression to sequelize this shit not once, but twice on consoles that I cannot afford. As an unappreciated genius do you understand how much I relate to Luigi? How many times have Luigi and I been neglected, underestimated, kicked out of Denny’s for lewd behavior, stolen a go-kart and thrown a banana at a toad, or failed to lose our virginities? I still play the original Luigi’s Mansion every night before I go to bed, and then I stay up all night because I am scared shitless of ghosts. I relate to Luigi on a visceral, otherworldly level. Sometimes I fall down and tremble in the supermarket because I know that wherever Luigi is, he is shoplifting the same frozen dinosaur nuggets that I am. Not putting this game on GameCube is not an injustice. It is theft. Nintendo has robbed me of my joy. But I have them outsmarted. I am heading down into the sewers right now to find Luigi myself. Together we will make them pay.

World Exclusive: We Smelled Inside Glover’s Hand Hole

Posted on September 24, 2023 by Alex McMillan

Earlier this month, we were lucky enough to sit down with legendary ’90s gaming character Glover, and in a world first, we were granted the opportunity to bend into his hand hole and get a big whiff of whatever is going on in there. Needless to say, it was a huge honor!

The meeting took several months to arrange, with negotiations stalling on several occasions due to the beloved platforming mascot changing his contact details and generally just being pretty shifty. Nevertheless, thanks to the tireless work of Hard Drive’s legal team, we were finally able to rendezvous with gaming’s most enigmatic hand, Glover.

We met with the reclusive glove on a Los Angeles soundstage, about a mile from his infamous Beverly Hills condo. Upon Glover’s insistence, the studio was to only have a skeleton crew, and the meeting would take place on September 11th (this was non-negotiable).

Glover was standoffish from the moment he arrived. “No questions,” he barked at me. “You sniff and you go, understood?”.

Skipping the pleasantries, we were keen to not upset Glover, who has not spoken publicly to any outlet since 2004. A member of the soundstage team provided a stepladder, allowing us to stick our curious noses into Glover’s gaping hand hole and finally know his unique scent.

It was clear Glover had run from his house to the soundstage, as there was an overwhelming smell of sweat and his interior lining was damp. Beyond the perspiration though, a much more complex aroma was to be found. A heady mix of strong black coffee, clean cotton, and cherry vape pens. We thanked Glover for his time, but he did not respond and left quietly.

As of presss time, a remastered version of Glover is available now on Steam, with console ports currently in development. And if anyone ever asks you what you think the inside of Glover’s hand hole smells like, go ahead and tell them you heard it smells great.

Spirit Halloween Opens in Central Yharnam Officially Ushering In ‘The Hunt’

Posted on September 24, 2023 by Kevin Podas

CENTRAL YHARNAM — As the first Spirit Halloween location opened its doors for the year, residents of Central Yharnam reportedly began equipping their pitchforks and threaded canes in preparation for what would no doubt be “the hunt” soon.

“Foul beasts walk the streets every time these stores open up– like clockwork, it is,” said an anonymous town resident through a shuttered window. “Folks imbibe in the blood and expect nothing more than a deal on a cheap, last-minute costume? Beasts all over the shop, and you’ll be one of them sooner or later…”

Experts on the phenomenon chimed in to share their thoughts.

“Ah, Spirit… or some say, Spirit Halloween,” said Mikolash, Host of the Nightmare. “Do they hear our prayers? Do they know how these stores disturb Rom? Do they see how these specters enter the hallowed halls of shops that were forced to close their doors during a bad economy? The nightmare swirls and churns unending!”

Employees of Spirit Halloween were mostly confused on what the hunt even is.

“I don’t know man, we just sell halloween costumes and masks here. Candy and shit, I dunno,” said Steve, a store manager at Spirit Halloween. “People take this shit really seriously here. If I don’t close exactly at 9pm on the dot, I’m liable to get torn into pieces by a werewolf or have my skull caved in by a large hunch-backed monster. I keep saying we deserve more than minimum wage, but do they ever listen?”

At press time, a hunter was seen browsing the selection of costumes at Spirit Halloween, attempting to figure out which set would have the most resistance against the Frenzy status effect.

After Much Consideration, Christoph Waltz Decides to Play Character as Weird German Megalomaniac

Posted on September 24, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Actor and Academy Award Winner Christoph Waltz has announced recently that he will play the titular character in his new drama film The Farmer as a weird megalomaniac German man.

“My character is a rural farmer from the state of Kansas, so I thought it would be an interesting take to play him like he was a dracula from Castle Wolfenstein,” Waltz said on his press tour. “I wanted to branch out in my acting career, and I thought it might be a fun challenge to give a big performance as a wild European villain. When I read the script, though there was none of this actually on the page at all, I could tell the director wanted me to play it as a charismatic but sinister bon vivant.”

The film’s director, Sean Wallace, commented on the actor’s unique take on his character.

“I had written the character as a humble southern ranch hand, with a thick southern drawl and a very modest, taciturn demeanor, but Christoph decided it might be interesting to play him as a strange Nazi weirdo who over-enunciates every single syllable.”

Audience members at early screenings of the film lauded Waltz for exploring new territory.

“I never would have believed that the grand, German, idiosyncratic Nazi from Inglorious Basterds or the grand, German, idiosyncratic painter from Big Eyes or the grand, German, idiosyncratic bounty hunter from Django: Unchained could ever play a grand, German idiosyncratic farmer,” said focus group member Alan Hersch. “It was wild seeing him take on a slightly different occupation with the exact same ethnicity, voice, and mannerisms.”

At press time, sources close to the set reported that Waltz would be appearing opposite Jesse Eisenberg, who would be stepping out of his comfort zone by playing a snarky asshole.

We Also Played The Switch 2, We Just Weren’t Going To Make A Big Deal About It

Posted on September 24, 2023 by Alex McMillan

The gaming world has been rocked once again by rumours that Nintendo covertly showed off their next console, the Switch 2, behind closed doors at last month’s Gamescom expo in Germany. Hard Drive was at the expo, and we can confirm that whilst we got hands-on time with the Switch 2, we weren’t planning on making it into a whole thing.

Yeah, we get it, in this industry it’s all about having the hot scoop about new, unannounced tech, and what could possibly be juicier than the follow up to Nintendo’s hybrid console which took the world by storm? But even with that in mind, it didn’t really feel like our news to share. If everyone else is gonna though, I guess we will too.

Nintendo trusted us, which is not something we take for granted. So even though we saw the Matrix demo, and got to try out raytraced Breath of the Wild with the new ribbed joy-cons, it’s not the sort of thing we were planning on talking about. It’s called a Non-Disclosure Agreement for a reason, folks. Clipping the Switch 2 into its headset and trying out the VR mode was cool, but it was a private moment between a press outlet and a multinational corporation.

That’s why we were so disappointed to see certain sites decide to make a big deal out of the fact that the Switch 2 was demoed for them in Cologne. It’s inappropriate behaviour from people Nintendo clearly thought were their friends, and quite frankly it smacks of main character syndrome. It’s not all about you, guys. Most of us were able to test out the new scroll-wheel triggers and then have the good decency to keep quiet about it.

How do you think Nintendo feels in all of this? Upset, betrayed, almost certainly heartbroken. We wouldn’t be surprised if this whole situation causes them to cancel the Switch 2, which would be a shame as the new haptic screen is really cool.

We reached out to Nintendo for comment, and just to check they were doing okay. They have yet to respond. Great job, guys.

Top 20 Muppets Ranked By How Much Cocaine They Did In The ’70s And ’80s

Posted on September 23, 2023 by Garry Kerls

By the end of the 1970s the Muppets were a household name. The smash hit, The Muppet Show had become a global sensation due in part its ability to be easily dubbed over in any language, giving the fuzzy ensemble prime time airplay across the world. This immense fame could crack even the strongest wills, and the Muppets were no exception. Like many before them, and many to come after, The Muppets fell into the drug fueled underbelly of show business. Here are 20 Muppets ranked by how much cocaine they did in the ’70s and ’80s.

#20. Animal

It may be surprising for you to learn that Animal is straight edge. Hasn’t touched the stuff. His barbarous nature comes from love and passion for his lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

#19. Dr. Benson Honeydew

As a man of science, Dr. Benson Honeydew would much rather study the effects of a drug rather than taking it himself. This is what began a decades long study into cocaine and how it affects tubular laboratory assistants.

#18. Sam The Eagle

Sam fights his demons like a true American, by drinking a case of Miller Lite and defending the Second Amendment on Reddit.

#17. Swedish Chef

Cocaine is below the high status Swedish Chef. He would much rather take designer drugs at the discotheque to better feel the beat of the tambourine.

#16. Cookie Monster

Cocaine isn’t the only drug that ravaged this famed ensemble. Cookie Monster has been a junkie for the combination of flour, sugar, eggs, butter, and vanilla since 1969.

#15. Fozzy Bear

At his lowest point, Fozzy let out a guttural “Waka Waka” after doing a line, and knew he needed to get help. Since the ’80s Fozzy Bear has been an advocate for sobriety and was an integral member of both Robert Downey Jr. and John Mulaney’s interventions.

#14. Beaker

Beaker spoke coherently before his cocaine endeavors. His vocabulary consisted of at least three words. The awful drug turned the once prominent scientist into a hollow meep of a meep.

#13. Janice

Janice claims her introductory bump at an SNL after party was the first time she truly “felt.” She’s more into heroin these days.

#12. Statler & Waldorf

From “Life Within the Balcony Box,” Statler and Wladorf’s tell-all memoir, they write, “Nothing gave us more confidence to shout our opinions during a production than a speedball to the dome.”

#11. Oscar The Grouch

Oscar misses the coke fueled days of Sesame Street before the gentrification. Ever since those alphabet-loving, progressively diverse residents moved in, the street has never been the same.

#10. Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy hasn’t felt her face since 1975. C’mon, you really think those emotional karate outbursts aren’t fueled by cocaine?

#9. Scooter

After developing a full blown addiction in the 80s, Scooter found his way into the world of Hollywood executives, managing stars like Ariana Grande and Demi Lovato.

#8. Rizzo The Rat

Before joining The Muppets, Rizzo spent his days up-selling blow to cast members of The Muppet Show. His wisecracking presence backstage soon became a global sensation on televisions across the world.

#7. Bert

Ever wonder why Bert is always putting up with Ernie’s bullshit? It’s because Ernie is his coke dealer. Bert gets a lucrative friends and family discount.

#6. Ernie

Ernie didn’t want to be a part of the cocaine business, until he fell in love. Rubber Ducky, Ernie’s longtime partner, got him hooked on blow and sent his life into a downward spiral that John Singleton would love to direct.

#5. Pepe The King Prawn

Pepe’s knowledge of blow was so impressive that Netflix hired the coke sniffing crustacean as an on-set consultant for their original series Narcos.

#4. Rolf The Dog

The Muppet Show’s resident pianist loved keys in more than one sense of the word. But Rolf is a consummate professional who can juggle drugs and work better than Stephen King in the ’80s.

#3. Gonzo

Gonzo is a chicken loving stunt man with a nose built for blow. His tear jerking ballad from The Muppet Movie, “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday” was originally about his first bump of coke, and the high he’s been chasing ever since.

#2. Kermit The Frog

In 1979 Kermit was simultaneously filming his debut film, shooting the fourth season of the global sensation, The Muppet Show, and guest hosting The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. It was backstage at this prestigious late night institution that Kermit first fell victim to the white powder. How else could he juggle being the most famous frog in the world?

#1. Dr. Teeth

Before cocaine, Dr. Teeth worked as an accountant from Boise, Idaho named John Collins. John coached his son’s tee-ball team and attended the local theater to support his wife’s acting career. It’s a shame that cocaine turned him into the gold toothed front-man of the Electric Mayhem.

What is the Most Hated Video Game in Each State?

Posted on September 22, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

We recently conducted an extensive survey and reported back on the most popular video game in each of the United States. As informative as our research was, we found most people to be very forthcoming about the games they didn’t like, often without asking. Sometimes well after we’d insisted our interview was over and we’d gotten the information that we needed. Nevertheless, when we gathered our notes, it turns out that people in different parts of the country hate different games for all different reasons. It’s kind of a beautiful thing, when you think about it. This melting pot of ours. Here is the most hated video game in each state!

Alabama: PowerWash Simulator

“The blood stays on the knife,” says Liam Neeson to his young son before a battle in the film Gangs of New York. In Alabama they feel the same way about mud on the truck.

Alaska: Stardew Valley

A place with extreme weather and a public transit system composed of dogs, Stardew Valley is just super boring to the kind folks in Alaska. “Nothing personal, Stardew Valley,” Alaska was quoted as saying for this piece.

Arizona: SnowRunner

They don’t even sell this game in Arizona. They voted on it!

Arkansas: Mortal Kombat 1

You don’t just forget your history one day. That’s the state motto of Arkansas, at least.

California: The Apprentice Starring Donald Trump

We get it California, you’re soooo liberal!

Colorado: Police Simulator: Patrol Officers

Tied with every one of those other stupid games where you pretend to be a cop.

Connecticut: Resident Evil

No one is sure why, but a shocking number of Connecticut residents are convinced that all of these games happened for real, even the shit with like, the President’s daughter and all that. I don’t get it, but I’m just writing up what we found here.

Delaware: Starfield

That thing where you can’t land on a gas planet really pissed ’em off in Delaware.

Florida: Death Stranding

They don’t want to think about this kind of stuff down there yet.

Georgia: Elden Ring

The minimum wage in Georgia is fucking $7.25 an hour, dude. They don’t need this kind of shit in their lives on top of that, you know?

Hawaii: Silent Hill

Silent Hill scares ‘em shitless in Hawaii. The snow alone would be enough, but then all that weird stuff starts happening too.

Idaho: Stray

The cat-to-person ratio in Idaho is too close for comfort. They worry a thing like this means they’re fully taking over.

Illinois: Madden 24

The new Madden game is as accurate to real life as ever, much to the dismay of Chicago Bears fans.

Indiana: Mario Hoops 3-on-3

After what was interpreted an insult to the sanctity of basketball, Mario was made an outlaw, and subsequent games and the recent film have been banned in the state. God help the Indiana boy whose father discovers a copy of this game under his bed.

Iowa: 12 Minutes

I asked my buddy Parker, who’s from Iowa, and he said the loop-based 12 Minutes. Poor guy hates this game, and here I am asking him so speak for Iowa every week when I write one of these, making his life feel like some goddamn loop. Sorry, Parker.

Kansas: The Lion King

Kansas is convinced that the classic Disney adaptation is the reason the weird Wizard of Oz game on SNES didn’t gain a larger audience. Yeah Kansas, I bet that’s it.

Kentucky: The Oregon Trail

One man from Kentucky told me, “If getting to Oregon’s the point of the game, I’m just gonna drown us all in the first river I see!”

Louisiana: Trombone Champ

People in Louisiana resent that any asshole in the world can play ‘When the Saints Go Marching In’ now.

Maine: Crash Bandicoot series

Crash is cute and cuddly to most of the country, but to the Bandicoot-ravaged communities of Maine, the character remains sicker and more twisted than anything Stephen King has ever written.

Maryland: Ori and the Will of the Wisps

“That’s nawt a true Metrahdvania ’cause it doesn’t have progressive nahn-lineaharity,” they all told me.

Massachusetts: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater

Most of the country agrees that the Pro Skater games are stone cold classics, but in Massachusetts, they ride for their boy Andy MacDonald and the one skating game he put out on the Dreamcast. You have to admire that loyalty, but damn, you guys are missing out!

Michigan: WWF No Mercy

Similar to Massachusetts, where most of the world sees a beloved wrestling game for the Nintendo 64, most Michiganders were never able to see past the unforgivable exclusion of the Insane Clown Posse’s Violent J.

Minnesota: Mario 64

While the rest of the country loved this platforming classic, Minnesotans objected to their homeland’s harsh portrayal in Cool, Cool Mountain.

Mississippi: Yo! Noid

Most have forgotten The Noid, the short-lived Domino’s Pizza mascot that bullied, upset, and generally terrorized people, and a smaller, prouder few have grown to love him. The people of Mississippi, however, have never forgiven, and certainly haven’t forgotten.

Missouri: N/A

Missouri talked our ear off, but refused to name a game they didn’t like. They’re just too nice.

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Starfield Best Mods Guide: The Top 10 Mods to Use

Posted on September 22, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Enjoying Starfield but experiencing some annoyance with certain elements of the user interface or gameplay mechanics? Mods can fix that. While the files themselves are tiny, the systems they affect make Starfield a vastly improved experience. This Starfield guide will list ten of the most useful mods for the game, without conflicting with one another.

Cleanfield by Gametism: Starfield Mods

Your very first mod for Starfield should be this one, which cuts down on all the loading screens, logos, and warnings, before you get to the main menu. How much time could that possibly be? A nearly twenty second intro is shaved down to less than two seconds.

Cleanfield – A No-Intro Videos and Clean Menu Fix at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Starfield FOV by Hellstorm102: Mods for Starfield

First-person games always seem to suffer from tunnel vision with their highly restrictive default field of view (FOV) values. While there may be technical or stylistic reasons for these design choices, this mod gives you, the player, all the leeway you could want with adjusting the FOV to your heart’s content.

Starfield FOV at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Compact Inventory UI by Stentorious

Starfield’s default inventory user interface has so many categories that it necessitates the use of a scrollbar to view the bottom three groups. This mod compacts the UI by eliminating dead space without affecting readability, making all categories immediately visible. The effect obviously also carries over into sub categories, with compact displaying 12 items on screen at a time, instead of 9 by default. The mod’s slim variant, pictured above, will display as many as 17 items at a stretch, but you may have issues with reading the font size. It works with all item menus, such as vendor buy & sell, and your ship’s own cargo hold.

Compact Inventory UI at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Compact Mission UI by Stentorious: Starfield UI Mods

Not much needs to be said here, as it does pretty much exactly what the mod above does, just for the Mission user interface, allowing you to view up to 15 ongoing missions, as opposed to just 10 by default.

Compact Mission UI at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Icon Sorting Tags – Starfield Edition by McGuffin

Starfield is a serial looter’s nightmare–there is just so much stuff to pick up. You picked up every flower in Skyrim, and you’ll be picking up every paper cup in Starfield. However, if you’d like a little more discernment when looting, this mod will apply helpful little icons to every item-related menu, even in the game world, indicating what the item is and does. On top of that, consumables will let you know exactly what their effects will be upon consumption.

Icon Sorting Tags – Starfield Edition

Responsive Grabbing by Seb263: Best Starfield Mods

While you can lift objects up in Starfield, the mechanic is quite cumbersome because of the delay programmed in–a full 1 second before there is a visible result. That may not seem like much on paper, but in-game it can get quite grating on the nerves, almost like you’re fighting gravity for every single paper cup. This mod won’t make the response instantaneous, but it will cut it down to one-third, making it feel so much better and rewarding to actually make use of lifting in certain scenarios.

Responsive Grabbing at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Better Dialogue Controls by Jonathan Feenstra

This mod numbers the dialogue options in NPC conversations, allowing you to press the corresponding number to choose it. Additionally, both the arrow keys and the scroll wheel can be used to switch between choices. Most importantly of all, it eliminates the one second-long delay that precedes confirmation of your choice. Does that add up over the course of the game? Perhaps. It will definitely come in handy for speedrunners and alternate ending completionists.

Better Dialogue Controls at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Instant Scan by JustAnOrdinaryGuy

Another time-saver mod, this one reduces the wholly unnecessary wait time to complete scans, shaving precious seconds that add up to minutes in a galaxy with hundreds of planets and moons to survey.

Instant Scan at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Scanner Encumbrance Display With Time by Yoddle

This modded Scanner’s on screen display will show you both LT and UT times, as well as your current mass. The latter can be helpful if you’re on a scavenging or mining run, and just want to pick up as much stuff off of the ground as quickly as possible without switching between menus to see how encumbered you currently are.

Scanner Encumbrance Display With Time at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

Real Flashlight by DoubleYou: Top Starfield Mods

The default flashlight is quite poor in terms of how much it lights up the environment and if you find yourself squinting through the darkness a lot, this mod offers two lighting variants for the flashlight. The default modded flashlight lights up a larger area and has a sharply defined circumference like that of a spotlight. The soft version does just that–softens the outline, giving it more of a natural feel, while retaining the larger radius.

Real Flashlight at Starfield Nexus – Mods and Community

And those are a small selection of the most important mods you can get for Starfield. Check out more of our Starfield guides on getting a good ship, upgrading it with unique parts, arming it with better weapons, and making the best use of its targeting systems.

Yoshi Meat Unfortunately Delicious

Posted on September 22, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

DONUT PLAINS — Stranded without sustenance for weeks, video game hero Mario Mario confirmed, after seeing no other options, that Yoshi meat is sadly very, very tasty, mortified sources confirmed while shaking their heads in disgust.

“Mamma mia,” said Mario, in a wildly uncharacteristic somber tone. “I-ah had no other choice-ah! Why is it called-ah the Donut Plains when-ah there’s no donuts anywhere?! It was a simple case-ah of the food chain. It was either starve-ah to death, or make-ah the Yoshi burgers. But-ah the truth is, the meat-ah…it was so delectable, so juicy, so flavorful, so pleasantly green-tinted-ah. Ugh, I even ate-ah the saddle. Anyway, let’s-ah go…inform-ah Yoshi’s next of kin.”

When asked for verification, Chef Elmer Grilles, who specializes in fictional meat cuts, backed up Mario’s sorrowful claim.

“Oh, it’s unfortunate, to be sure. But those little dudes are out-of-this-world tasty. Like, in the pantheon of green-guy meats, if I had to rank them, Yoshi tenderloin would be somewhere in between Slimer chops, and Grinch nuggets.” listed Chef Grilles, as he stirred a giant pot of New England Smurf chowder. “And, just to clarify, we’re talking the Grinch AFTER he’s learned that Christmas doesn’t come from a store. The good shit.”

Super Mario World animal rights activists are understandably up in arms about the situation.

“At a certain point you have to ask, is Mario the reason Dry Bones has no meat on him? Hmmm? Highly suspect if you ask me,” said an irate Wario, who we guess has been passionate about animal rights this whole time, who knew? “All I know is I’ll be keeping a close eye on him around Thanksgiving…because just because someone is named Birdo, doesn’t mean you can cook them like one.”

At press time, Mario vowed to go vegetarian, citing a delicious mushroom salad recipe he wanted to have Toad over for.

Office Has Microsoft Teams Call To Share Zoom Link

Posted on September 22, 2023 by Alex McMillan

LONDON — A group of employees at a multinational accounting firm were sent a Zoom link at the end of an incredibly short Microsoft Teams call, sources have confirmed.

“Hey guys, yeah I’m not sure if I can get my camera working on this. Can anyone see me? I’m just seeing a black screen” said Michael Chandler, Chief Project Manager at GWC accounting. “Yeah I’m just going to pop a Zoom link in the chat, everyone meet over there in a minute?”

When asked about the incident, Junior Project Manager Patricia Hardwick said this was an increasingly frequent issue.

“This is happening every day at this point” said Hardwick, whilst attempting to get rid of all the pop-ups advertising Microsoft Team’s user-friendliness. “I think we have some sort of deal with Microsoft, but frankly it feels like we’re paying them to fail to use their product and just move things over to Zoom.”

But not everyone on the team takes such a cynical approach to the company’s morning routine.

“I adore our little Teams meetings!” said Monica Spencer, one of the newer recruits at GWC. “The bright purple color scheme, the endless emails reminding me of the meeting, the login window which leads to another login window, it’s all the exact sort of adrenaline rush I need in the morning to get me ready for the Zoom call when we do some actual work”

The day’s Teams call concluded with everyone briefly saying goodbye, despite the fact they would all be seeing each other again within the space of a minute, and nobody would be moving from their chair.