Nintendo Direct Announcer’s Voice Changes Octave To Discuss M-Rated Game

Posted on by Kevin Podas

KYOTO — During a Nintendo Direct presentation that was recorded in Japanese and dubbed over in English, the announcer’s voice reportedly shifted an entire octave when discussing an M-Rated Game.

“We hope you all look forward to the Super Mario Bros. Wonder game, coming this fall!” said the dubbed-over voice of Shinya Takahashi before immediately pitching his tone down. “And coming later this year: Alan Wake. It’s not for fucking pussies.”

The voice-actor in question, Tim O’Leary, shared some insight into the process.

“They really ask a lot from me,” said O’Leary. “You have to have incredible range just to talk about different games coming out on the Nintendo Switch. One second I’m on some farming simulator with magical elves, and then all of a sudden I’m talking about a port of some Xbox game where you cut people’s heads off with a chainsaw gun. I gotta say, I never thought my theater degree would take me here.”

Doug Bowser, the president of Nintendo of America, was confident in his presenters’ abilities.

“We know we throw a lot at our presenters for Nintendo Directs,” said Bowser. “After all, the whole world’s watching them. It’s guaranteed to trend on twitter. Millions of unemployed adults will wake up at 7am just to hear 45 minutes of game announcements for their Nintendo Switch, and we don’t want to let them down more than the world already has.”

At press time, Nintendo Switch presenters were already practicing voice training exercises in preparation for the next grueling series of announcements.

Top 50 Anime To Start And Then Never Finish

Posted on by Kevin Podas

These days, there’s more content out there vying for your undivided attention than ever before. It’s overwhelming to think about your backlog of media to get to, and with more and more anime being released each season, it’s never been easier to start an anime and just never finish it. So without further ado, here’s a handy list of the top 50 anime to start and then never finish.

#1 — Fullmetal Alchemist (2003)

Now hold on, hold on, don’t grab your pitchforks and torches just yet. This series meant a lot to me growing up, I watched the new episodes on Adult Swim each and every week. But nowadays, there is a closer-to-the-manga adaptation out there with a story that, quite frankly, blows this version out of the water. It still has its merits, but let’s face it: you’re not going to watch the same show twice even if they are pretty different.

#2 — Fire Force

Soul Eater sure was great, wasn’t it? This series is by the same creator and has a very interesting premise: it’s a world full of magic users, but everyone uses different types of fire magic specifically. Never seen that before! But my god, the cringe… so much cringe. Watching a few episodes of this will make you wonder if maybe you’ve just grown out of anime entirely.

#3 — Gundam

“Gundam? Uhhh, which one?” All of them. Just, all of them. I asked a friend once for advice on where to start for Gundam and I had to take notes just to get it all down. When you get home from work and want to chill out and watch something, it can feel a bit alienating and daunting to not be able to just click on episode 1 and begin from there.

#4 — Pokémon

“Dude, it’s actually getting pretty good! Ash won the Pokémon League finally.” Don’t fall for it, it’s a trap.

#5 — Naruto

Here’s two words that will ruin any anime fan’s day: Filler. Arc. And Naruto’s full of em. The constant flashbacks to things that literally just happened are also going to be a bit of a deterrent to get through, so unless you find some online guide to skipping all of the filler, let’s face it, you’re dropping this one hard.

#6 — Clannad

People say this is really good, but like, the art style, and just… maybe this isn’t your kind of thing, okay? That’s fine!

#7 — Slam Dunk

Maybe you’re here because you like sports. You really love basketball, and you catch every game you can. Don’t be fooled, though: Slam Dunk is about as anime as anime gets, just with free throws instead of Kamehamehas. If that’s not your thing, just turn around and walk away right now.

#8 — Highschool of the Dead

All of the fanservice will have you looking over your shoulder hoping that nobody can see you watching this, for fear that you might die of embarrassment. It’s gonna be hard to get through this show if you have to do that the whole time.

#9 — Assassination Classroom

This might be kind of hard to stomach in this day and age given the tone deaf, albeit comedically over-the-top premise. Trying to tell someone you’re watching a show called Assassination Classroom in 2023 is maybe not the best water cooler banter.

#10 — Fruits Basket

Some cultural barriers with things surrounding “cousin romance” and the like may prove to be too great of an issue to continue watching this show if you start it.

#11 — One-Punch Man

Man, they really dropped the ball with that second season. You’ll feel spoiled at first, and then completely starved by the absolute level of “mid”. It’s a real cruel bait-and-switch.

#12 — Haikyu!!

Again, if you come into this as a sports fan first and not an anime fan, you are going to be left extremely disoriented and scared.

#13 — All of the FLCL Spin-Offs

FLCL was an air-tight perfect 6-episode OVA series. It was exactly what it needed to be. Maybe you’ll start up one of the four(!) spin-offs out of some misplaced sense of nostalgia, but you’ll quickly be thinking “why does this exist?” and turn it off. Well hey, at least there’s that Pillows soundtrack.

#14 — My Hero Academia

In a world that’s flooded with superhero media, TV shows, and movies, do you really need it in your anime too?

#15 — Bleach

The same people who dropped the manga because the story got stale are insisting that the new anime is really good, despite following the exact same plot line. If you can make it this far past the numerous filler arcs of the original series, you deserve a medal.

#16 — Detective Conan

It’s really long, and it’s generally pretty episodic. The lack of large sweeping story arcs that tie everything together is going to make this tough to swallow for over 1,000 episodes.

#17 — Gintama

I’m really trying not to make any enemies with this list, I swear. I just find certain series needlessly confusing to get into. I’m sure Gintama is funny, I’m sure it’s subversive just like people say, but if you finish a season and don’t know where to go next, well you’re probably just going to watch something else.

#18 — Didn’t I Say to Make My Abilities Average in the Next Life

Man I was scrolling on Crunchyroll for anime to write about for this list, but what the fuck is this? My guess is that you clicked on this show out of morbid curiosity, but there’s no way in hell you’re getting past the first five minutes.

#19 — Berserk

One of many tragedies where a great manga has received less than stellar anime adaptations. The ’97 series is really “aesthetic” but cuts out a lot of crucial plot elements, the movie trilogy is “pretty good”, and the other series we just don’t talk about. It could not be more confusing or alienating to follow without a friend telling you exactly what order to watch it in, “if you really must watch it.”

#20 — Lupin the 3rd

I want to get into this series. I really do. And hey, if you can help me out let me know in the comments below. But something about the segmented parts that are seemingly only vaguely connected, has always been confusing to me. I loved Castle of Cagliostro, and I loved the handful of episodes I saw growing up on TV. This is the one you want to start, but never quite know how, so you never finish it. Though can you even “finish” watching Lupin?

#21 — Trigun Stampede

The original series holds a special place in your heart, but watching the remake isn’t exactly the same as reliving your youth.

#22 — The Promised Neverland

Similar to what happened with One-Punch Man, The Promised Neverland’s second season was botched in a way that is completely irreparable. The first season will hook you, the second season will slap you in the face and pull your pants down in front of everyone.

#23 — Yu-Gi-Oh!

Maybe you are feeling a little nostalgic for this one and want to come back to see what’s happened over the years. Well, there are numerous sequels and spin-offs that become increasingly more confusing to follow or even pronounce. No thanks.

#24 — Claymore

One of those anime that was really good, but just never got a second season or any kind of conclusion. That’s gonna hurt, and you know it, so you’re probably just not gonna bother even finishing it.

#25 — Dragon Ball Z

Let’s be honest with ourselves: we don’t have the time we did as kids to watch each and every episode of this series that is padded out to high heaven. Thankfully there are a couple of abridged versions out there (not just comedic parody ones) that can help save some time if you really need it, but at the end of the day, it’s pretty old, and times have changed a lot. We’ve been spoiled by too many great seasonal adaptations.

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Starfield Best Ship Engine Guide: What are the Best Engines?

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

You’ve finally got a great ship, bristling with the best ship weapons, and all of the unique modules your heart desires, so maybe it’s time to find the best engines and give yourself the thrust you really need in Starfield space dogfights. With more than 60 Engine modules to choose from, it won’t just be your budget that determines your selection. This Starfield guide will shortlist the best ship Engine parts, not just based on pure forward thrust, but also mass and thrust-to-power ratio, since power load is something to keep a weather eye on.

Keep in mind that your Reactor’s class also limits the class of other ship modules in your build, including the Engine. And while you can certainly buy a ship Engine as soon as you attain the required level to unlock it at a vendor, actually installing it will depend on your Starship Design skill rank.

Poseidon DT230 Engine: Starfield Best Class C Ship Engine Module

The absolute pinnacle of Engine modules, a single DT230 delivers a staggering 34,520 Engine Thrust and 11,600 Maneuvering Thrust. The next nearest Engine is several thousand units behind it in performance. It may be stocked by the following vendors:

  1. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
  3. Nikau Henderson aboard the Deimos Staryard in the orbit of Mars’ moon Deimos, in the Sol System.
  4. Ship Services Technician aboard The Den StarStation in the orbit of Chthonia, in the Wolf System.
  5. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  6. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  7. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Gagarin Landing, on Gagarin in the Alpha Centauri System.
  8. Ship Services Technician in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
  9. Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  10. Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  11. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  12. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  13. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  14. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
Class Max Power Engine Thrust Maneuvering Thrust Mass Engine Health Required Skills Required Level Credits
C 4 34,520 11,600 334 140 Starship Design 4 57 42K

Amun Dunn X-300 Engine: Starfield Best Ship Engines

Amun Dunn X-300, one of the best engines in Starfield.

This topline Amun Dunn Engine can deliver a comparable thrust per power as the Poseidon DT230. Available at:

  1. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
  3. Nikau Henderson aboard the Deimos Staryard in the orbit of Mars’ moon Deimos, in the Sol System.
  4. Ship Services Technician aboard The Den StarStation in the orbit of Chthonia, in the Wolf System.
  5. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  6. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  7. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  8. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  9. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  10. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
  11. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Gagarin Landing, on Gagarin in the Alpha Centauri System.
  12. Ship Services Technician in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
Class Max Power Engine Thrust Maneuvering Thrust Mass Engine Health Required Skills Required Level Credits
C 3 25,890 8,400 336 156 Starship Design 4 60 45K

SAL-6830 Engine: Best Ship Engine Part In Starfield

This ship Engine has the best thrust to power rating across all Engine classes, and forgoes all Skill and Level requirements. The SAL-6830 can only be unlocked by completing the Walter Stroud mission “All That Money Can Buy” in Neon, and taking the diplomatic route. Sold by:

  1. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  2. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  3. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  4. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  5. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  6. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
  7. Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  8. Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Class Max Power Engine Thrust Maneuvering Thrust Mass Engine Health Required Skills Required Level Credits
C 2 18,000 8,800 330 180 N/A 1 70K

Dunn-71 Engine: Starfield Best Class B Ship Engine Module

The Dunn-71 stands toe to toe with every single Class C Engine mentioned previously, in terms of thrust to power, but with less than half their mass. You can find it at:

  1. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
  3. Nikau Henderson aboard the Deimos Staryard in the orbit of Mars’ moon Deimos, in the Sol System.
  4. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  5. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  6. Ship Services Technician aboard The Den StarStation in the orbit of Chthonia, in the Wolf System.
  7. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  8. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  9. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  10. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
  11. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Gagarin Landing, on Gagarin in the Alpha Centauri System.
  12. Ship Services Technician in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
Class Max Power Engine Thrust Maneuvering Thrust Mass Engine Health Required Skills Required Level Credits
B 3 26,580 5,250 144 133 Starship Design 4 56 41K

Amun-7 Engine: Starfield Best Class A Ship Engine Module

The Amun-7 Engine, one of the best engines in Starfield.

Requiring minimal power to reach its maximum specification, the Amun-7 is a better choice than its technically superior Class A counterpart, the White Dwarf 3030. Stocked by:

  1. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
  3. Nikau Henderson aboard the Deimos Staryard in the orbit of Mars’ moon Deimos, in the Sol System.
  4. Ship Services Technician aboard The Den StarStation in the orbit of Chthonia, in the Wolf System.
  5. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  6. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  7. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  8. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  9. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  10. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
  11. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Gagarin Landing, on Gagarin in the Alpha Centauri System.
  12. Ship Services Technician in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
Class Max Power Engine Thrust Maneuvering Thrust Mass Engine Health Required Skills Required Level Credits
A 2 15,400 2,200 94 97 Starship Design 3 38 24K

White Dwarf 3000: Starfield Best Ship Engine Low Level Class A

A widely available Engine with no level or skill requirements to install and fly, the White Dwarf 3000 has an excellent thrust to power ratio, low mass, and is dirt cheap to buy from:

  1. Jasmine Durand of the Crimson Fleet aboard The Key StarStation in the orbit of Suvorov, in the Kryx System.
  2. Ship Services Technician in The Eleos Retreat, on Ixyll II in the Ixyll System.
  3. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System.
  4. Ship Services Technician in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
  5. Nikau Henderson aboard the Deimos Staryard in the orbit of Mars’ moon Deimos, in the Sol System.
  6. Ship Services Technician aboard The Den StarStation in the orbit of Chthonia, in the Wolf System.
  7. Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
  8. Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
  9. Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  10. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
  11. Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
  12. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Paradiso, on Porrima II in the Porrima System.
  13. Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
  14. Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Gagarin Landing, on Gagarin in the Alpha Centauri System.
  15. Ship Services Technician in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
  16. Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
  17. Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Class Max Power Engine Thrust Maneuvering Thrust Mass Engine Health Required Skills Required Level Credits
A 3 15,270 2,820 96 75 Starship Design 1 1 10K

Those are the best ship Engine modules to be acquired in Starfield. With a perfected ship design at your command, learn to use its targeting systems more effectively in space combat.

Hideki Kamiya Announces Emotional Departure From Platinum Games That We Can’t Read Because We’re Blocked

Posted on by Kevin Podas

OSAKA — In a shocking turn of events, prolific game director and Platinum Games’ co-founder Hideki Kamiya announced this morning that he will no longer be with the company as of next month, or at least that’s what we’re led to believe because he has us blocked.

“This is a surprising change for our company and for the industry in general,” stated Atsushi Inaba, the current CEO of Platinum Games. “I mean, at least I think so. He has me blocked too, so I’m honestly a little in the dark on whether or not he’s still an employee of ours.”

Fan outcry across the internet ran rampant after the announcement was allegedly made public.

“Oh no, I think,” said twitter user BayonettaFan93. “This is a potentially big blow to my favorite video game developers. No one else understands the raw sexual appeal of an action heroine with large boots perfect for being stepped on quite like Hideki Kamiya. I wish I could have conveyed that to him before he blocked me for whatever reason.”

Hideki Kamiya personally responded to one of our burner accounts when reached out for comment on the news.

“Go ask your mom,” said Kamiya.

At press time, Hideki Kamiya may or may not have announced his plans moving forward, though unblocked sources who could confirm this grow more limited by the hour.

Mortal Kombat 1 Best Character Tier List: The Best MK1 Fighters

Posted on by Noah Hunter

Mortal Kombat 1 has taken the world by storm with its reset timeline and newfound relationships between characters. The iconic franchise is back and bigger than ever with the latest iteration, which means there is a whole new set of characters to discover. With the release of Mortal Kombat 1, there’s never been a better time to check out a tier list to see where your favorite characters land. 

Our tier list is comprised of our opinions while extensively testing the game. In our experience, this is where these characters should line up. Here’s our September 2023 tier list for all fighters in MK1. 

Mortal Kombat 1 Tier List

All confirmed characters on the Mortal Kombat 1 roster.

S-Tier: Kenshi, Johnny Cage, Raiden, Baraka

A-Tier: Scorpion, Liu Kang, Geras, Li Mei, Shang Tsung, Sindel, Smoke

B-Tier: Sub-Zero, Kung Lao, General Shao, Mileena, Kitana, Havik

C-Tier: Tanya, Reptile, Nitara, Rain, Ashrah

The S-Tier characters are clear-cut above everyone else. You could make a case for Scorpion to join the S-Tier rank, but he just falls short and headlines the A-Tier group of fighters. So, it’s best to stick with the S-Tier characters if you’re looking for the best of the best. That’s not to say you can’t make work with a lower-tiered character, though. If you’re an experienced player, you can make even a C-Tier character competitive when fighting online or against your friends. 

Naturally, this list will shift as DLC fighters are released. Kombat Pack 1 is set to include Peacemaker, Omni-Man, Homelander, Quan Chi, Ermac, and Takahashi Takeda. These fighters will each bring plenty new to the table. So, expect this Mortal Kombat 1 tier list to shift as they release across the next year or so. Finally, you can learn more about this upcoming DLC here.

That’s all you need to know that the best characters in Mortal Kombat 1! Wondering which Kameo fighters you should be using alongside your fighter of choice? Check out our Kameo Tier List here!

Mortal Kombat 1 Best Kameos Tier List: The Best MK1 Kameos

Posted on by Noah Hunter

If you’ve been checking out Mortal Kombat 1, you might be curious about which Kameos are best. You’ve probably spent a good amount of time trying out the different Kameo fighters if you’ve had MK1 installed since release. As any fighting game fan knows, certain characters absolutely have a competitive advantage. It’s just the way things are, so it is a good idea to adapt and pick the fighters you have the best chance with. Our Kameo tier list should answer all your questions. 

There is a wide range of abilities available with each of the Kameos currently accessible in the game. That is sure to change as new Kameos are added through DLC and balance updates are released. Without further ado, here is our Kameo Tier List for Mortal Kombat 1!

Mortal Kombat 1 Kameo Tier List

A select screen of Kameo Fighters for Mortal Kombat 1

Below, you can see where we currently rank each Kameo. This is based on our own gameplay and experience with the Kameo throughout dozens of matches.

S-Tier: Darrius, Frost, Kano, Shinjinko, Sub-Zero

A-Tier: Cyrax, Jax, Scorpion, Sektor, Stryker

B-Tier: Goro, Kung Lao, Motaro, Sareena, Sonya

You can see that there are five Kameos for each tier. We opted for three different tiers as each Kameo has strengths over one another that are equivalent to their weaknesses. Each Kameo’s attack patterns are quite different and beneficial in certain situations. For example, Darrius has multiple wide attacks that can deal heavy damage in your combo. If you chose Kano, however, you’d have a Kameo that is one of the best at long range but not great at short. 

It can become pretty strategic when you face off against your opponents. Your Kameo choice can shift quite easily depending on your character of choice. Utilizing our tier list should give you a well-rounded idea of who is best to use, depending on the situation in front of you. To capitalize on these kameos’ potential, check out our MK1 fighter tier list!

Guitar Hero Lives Long Enough To See Himself Become Guitar Villain

Posted on by Alec Walker

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local Guitar Hero Romeo Crosby has finally reached the point of becoming a villain in the eyes of those who used to view him as a savior, multiple sources confirmed.

“My friends just don’t understand what I’m working toward,” said Crosby while arguing with his bank to reverse an overdraft fee after purchasing several guitar controllers on eBay. “I have an opportunity to be the best in the world at Clone Hero, so I have to get the jump on this while everyone still doesn’t give a shit about Guitar Hero. Once this inaccessible, fan-made version of a decades-old dead franchise gets globally popular, I’m golden.”

Crosby’s childhood friend and drummer main, Alicia Donovan, just feels bad about the entire situation,

“Clone Hero’s release was the beginning of Romeo’s turn from extremely cool guy who’s good at Guitar Hero to insufferable douche who’s even better at Guitar Hero,” said Donovan while air-drumming so poorly we could tell he was off, despite there being no sound. “The game got too complicated for the rest of us when Clone Hero introduced such absurdly complicated custom charts, but Romeo refused to play a normal game. All he does is play 45 minute ‘meme charts’ and smashes his guitar into his monitor if he doesn’t FC the entire thing. We’re gonna stage an intervention.”

Fellow bandmate, bassist Milo Merrill, yearns for the days of old as well.

“Fuck Romeo, man. He barely even plays with us anymore cause the songs we play on real Guitar Hero are ‘pussy shit,’” said Merrill. “He used to save us from failing since he’d always have star power, but now he just holds down the whammy bar the entire session so every sustained note sounds flat as fuck. The game tells us we rock, but I think we suck. Probably because we do.”

At press time, Crosby remains plastered to his gaming chair as his friends call in a much needed 5150.

Dad Eagerly Accepts Invitation to Play Deck-Building Game

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

GARLAND, Texas — A recent miscommunication over an invitation to play a Marvel-themed board game led to confusion in the Dunham household, local sources confirmed.

“I think this is going to be huge for our relationship,” said Paul Dunham, 52-year-old father of two. “Mike and I haven’t really spent much time with each other since before he became a teenager and quit youth sports, so I was really excited when he asked me to play a game with him where you build a deck. I’m just glad he’s back to having practical hobbies instead of all those dumb card games. I used to play Legos with him when he was little, and to be honest, I didn’t think much of his building skills at the time. This is a chance for him to grow.”

Dunham’s son Mike was puzzled by his father’s enthusiasm.

“I was just being polite,” said the younger Dunham. “I figured if I was taking over the kitchen for the whole night while my friends and I played Legendary, I should at least pass along the invite to my parents. I even sort of threw it away, like a little joke. ‘Me and the boys are going to be playing a deck-building game tonight, if anyone would care to join us.’ I’ve never seen dad jump off the couch so fast. I guess I misjudged him.”

Shirley Dunham, Mike’s mother and Paul’s wife, said that she was optimistic about the upcoming game night.

“It will be nice to see them spend some time together,” she said, explaining that she saw through the miscommunication right away. “Why would I ruin that moment by explaining the misunderstanding to them? When our oldest, Carolyn, asked me to play something called ‘Cooking Mama’ with her a few years back, I didn’t realize that it was just a video game. Sure, I was excited to play kitchen with my little girl, but now I have some nice memories and I learned that video games can be fun. If it weren’t for that afternoon, I would have never discovered Candy Crush.”

At press time, the elder Dunham was seen passionately yelling at one of Mike’s friends for attacking the Lizard in the Sewers despite the fact that no one was running Hulk or Wolverine decks.

Nintendo Leaks Confirm Mario’s Voice Changing “Due to Puberty”

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

KYOTO, Japan — Recently obtained documents revealed previously unknown information regarding the decision to use a new voice actor for the main character in Nintendo’s upcoming title, Super Mario Bros. Wonder.

“Yes, my special plumber friend is going through some changes,” read a leaked email from series creator Shigeru Miyamoto. “That is why we are calling the next Super Mario Bros. title a ‘Wonder.’ The game will explore the confusing magnificence of puberty, one of the most interesting and wonderful parts of life. I guess you could say Mario will be getting a permanent Super Mushroom! Consequently, Charles Martinet is no longer fit for the role. This is all I will say on the matter.”

Fan reaction to the news has been mixed, with many expressing puzzlement.

“I just don’t understand what they mean,” said Bobby Dalton, who said he has been playing Mario games for over 30 years. “Mario is an adult, right? Like, he has been, for the entire series. Mario and Luigi run a whole plumbing business. He’s got a mustache. We even see a baby version of him in some of the games. He’s definitely fully grown.”

Video game historian Marian Powers said that Nintendo isn’t the first developer to explore the tumultuous period of life through the lens of gaming.

“Interestingly, Sega actually beat Nintendo to the punch on this issue,” said Powers. “They released Sonic Unleashed in 2008. It’s impossible to see the Werehog form as anything other than a huge metaphor for the horrors of puberty. It seems that Nintendo is trying to distinguish their game by examining the thrilling, colorful side of puberty rather than focusing on the negative parts like Sega did.”

At press time, Nintendo had released a statement noting their policy against commenting on rumors, then asked if fans had any good tips for fighting acne.

Man Watches ‘Barry Lyndon’ As Kubrick Intended on Screen of PSP

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

LOS ANGELES — 22-year-old barista Harrison Mahler was thrilled to finally get the opportunity to watch Stanley Kubrick’s 1975 epic period drama Barry Lyndon, and he made sure to watch it the way the auteur intended: on the four-inch screen of his PSP.

“I’m scrolling through eBay one day, looking for some old Sony hits on UMD, God of War: Ghost of Sparta or maybe a Ratchet & Clank, and I see this vendor selling a shit ton of classic films for mad cheap,” said Mahler. “I bought like a dozen or so movies for maybe…60 bucks? But I was definitely most stoked to finally watch Barry Lyndon. They shot this whole thing with candles, can you believe that shit? None of this CGI crap that they’re shoving down our throats these days. Ryan O’Neal brings the urchin swag and there are about 50 duels with all sorts of weapons. Well, guns and swords, at least.”

While Mahler loved watching Kubrick’s underrated masterpiece on a 4.3-inch LCD screen, local film critic Colin McKay was skeptical when he heard of the

“You really should be at the cinema the first time you see a showstopper like Barry Lyndon, in my opinion,” mused McKay, who once punched a man in the head for whispering during the title sequence of In The Mood for Love. “No popcorn, no drink, just you, the natural lighting, and those iconic backward zooms. But look, I’m not the type of guy to knock a new cinematic experience before I try it. Just last week, I burst into full body sobs while watching The Piano Teacher on an Oculus Rift. But still, I don’t know. A PSP?” 

The estate of director Stanley Kubrick corroborated claims that this is what he would’ve wanted. 

“Stanley wanted his films to feel immersive,” said an anonymous source from the estate who repeatedly informed us that he was wearing one of those freaky masks from Eyes Wide Shut while talking on the phone, “For their worlds to stick in the minds of his audiences, to linger in their dreams. You wanna feel close to Redmond Barry, like you’re basically him? Crawl into your twin bed, cover yourself in Nacho Cheese Doritos crumbs, and hold that PlayStation Portable about three inches from your face. You’ll feel like that highwayman’s pointing his musket right at you, big boy!”

Mahler plans on continuing to watch classic films on his various handheld gaming consoles – tonight, he’ll be screening “either Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom” on his Nintendo 3DS.

 

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