Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Man Knows He’d Kill at Trivia if All the Questions Were About Coen Brothers Movies

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Wyatt Fair

CHICAGO — Lighting a cigarette outside of McClusky’s Ale Arena, 30-year-old tapas server Donny Barlow mused that he’d probably be killing it way harder at tonight’s trivia night if every single question was about the filmography of Joel and Ethan Coen.

“I’m not a big sports nut, and I never really studied a ton in high school,” said Barlow, unclasping one of the pockets of his denim jacket to light another smoke. “Haven’t read a book in about a decade either, if we’re being honest. But shit, man. If you ask me something about the making of Fargo, we’re cooking with fucking gas. They built that Paul Bunyan statue special for the movie and tore it down right after they stopped filming. And yeah, that is the guy who plays the Zodiac killer as Marge Gunderson’s husband. Basically his first film role, must have felt pretty stoked to get cast by the absolute GOATs of American dark comedies. Shit, I should probably get back inside – halftime is over and you never know when a guy who knows everything about The Hudsucker Proxy might have to do his thang.”

When asked for comment, a member of Barlow’s trivia team admitted that she often feels frustrated with Donny’s presence on the team, particularly his constant insistence that the next round is “definitely” going to be called “O Trivia, Where Art Thou?”

“Look, Donny’s a sweet guy and a great hang,” said Jenna Rogers, Barlow’s longtime teammate. “But every thought in his brain is about a Coen brothers movie. Our buddy Mark is a copywriter, and Donny’s always saying ‘Everybody got the one homie who act like Barton Fink,’ and pointing at him. It’s so obnoxious! I keep telling him that there’s literally no shot in hell that the entire parking lot speech from A Serious Man would ever be a trivia answer, but he doesn’t listen. I’m just glad that he stopped dressing up as Anton Chiguhr every week – that cattle gun he would drag around was fully functional!”

Bar owner and trivia host Martin McClusky stated that while he does accept suggestions for possible trivia subjects every week, Barlow doesn’t seem to understand his relatively niche expertise might not play for the general public.

“I could see a sort of fill-in-the-blank thing with iconic quotes from The Big Lebowski, definitely, “ said McClusky. “But a whole night dedicated to them? Donny’s the only guy who knows the name of Jon Polito’s character from Miller’s Crossing. Your Average Joe has not memorized every session musician who played on ‘Please Mr. Kennedy.’ And seriously, who the hell has ever seen The Man Who Wasn’t There? But it’s all good, he’s a sweet kid. And it’s been a lot easier to talk sensibly to him now that he doesn’t drag that cattle gun around the bar anymore.”

Barlow hasn’t given up hope that his Coen-forward aesthetic won’t one day be accepted by the masses and is currently acquiring an LLC for his Ballad of Buster Scruggs themed mescal bar.

“Our Videos are Supposed to be Serious, Step-By-Step Guides”: Our Interview With the Game Grumps

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Camden Brazile

A decade after making their YouTube debut, The Game Grumps continue to be some of the most popular producers of Let’s Play videos on the platform. We sat down with them recently and talked about their channel, their controversies, and the shocking nature of their relationship away from the show.

Good afternoon guys! Thank you so much for talking to us toda—

Arin: *45 minutes of loud, uninterrupted fake farting noises*

Why Are You Called the Game Grumps?

Because…we’re grumpy? The games? Maybe the games are grumpy? That can’t be right. We’ll have to get back to you on that one

How did you get the idea for Game Grumps as a channel?

Arin: Well, there were countless people on the site already just sitting down and commentating over video game playthroughs, but we realized we could do that exact same thing with no variation.

Do you think you have a lot of haters?

Dan: I think there’s just a small vocal minority of a couple trolls, commenters, and the twenty-five thousand user Subreddit dedicated to ranting about us

Do you think your banter ever crosses into queer-baiting?

Arin: No, that’s crazy. That’s almost as crazy as me and Dan totally kissing and passionately fucking right now. How crazy would that be? Are you imagining it?

Are there any plans to do another Starbomb album?

Dan: In order to not come off as forced, we don’t want to do another Starbomb album unless we really feel inspired about commenting on a specific video game character’s penis.

Do you still keep in touch with Ross O’Donovan at all?

Arin: Not really. For some reason that fucking worthless idiot loser asshole thinks we bullied him too much

You two spend so much time recording with each other. Do you ever spend time together as friends outside of work?

Dan: To make sure we have good chemistry, we went ahead and made me Arin’s court-appointed guardian. He’s legally not allowed out of my sight, and we spent every single moment together all day until we are tucked into our large Game Grumps bed at night.

Do you watch your own content, or is it too cringey to hear your own voice back?

Arin: I stopped watching after JonTron left the show

Why did you have a falling out with Chris O’Neill and the entire Oneyplays cast?

Arin: We decided we just weren’t comfortable with them saying some pretty offensive and problematic stuff that they clearly ripped off from us.

Do you think the comedy or the gameplay is more important in your videos?

Dan: It’s still weird to me that anyone watches our video for our banter or comedy, as we have always maintained that our videos are supposed to be serious, step-by-step guides of how to complete every game with perfect efficiency. How anyone finds that funny is beyond me.

What did you do before joining Game Grumps?

Dan: I was just a nobody with a handsome face, beautiful singing voice and a promising comedy career.

When choosing a game for a series or episode, do you spend any time familiarizing yourself with it to make sure the video is entertaining?

Arin: Doing that makes it so we could eliminate all the futzing with menus and figuring out controls and settings, which drastically cuts down on boring filler moments in the show. So no, we don’t.

Who is a guest you’ve always wanted on Game Grumps?

Arin: We’ve tried for years to get Pope Francis on the show, but he keeps politely declining because he claims he’s more of a Super Mega guy.

What is your take on the Super Mega drama?

Dan: While some people have forgiven them, I just don’t think I can ever look past the heinous, deplorable deed of stopping their EuroTruck Simulator series

Do you think your channel will ever have a large controversy?

Arin: We’re two adult men that make jokes over footage of video games, so 100% absolutely.

Do you ever worry about running out of things to talk about?

Dan: Given our rich friendship and interesting day to day lives, I don’t think we’ll run out of things to talk about until well into next week.

What do you think of fans who think you two have ‘gone corporate’

Arin: Game Grumps hasn’t gone corporate at all. If you don’t believe me, you can just ask our business managers, PR team, social media managers, editing team, or production assistants.

Some people also say that Game Grumps is past its golden era, do you agree?

Dan: Not at all. I think we’re in our golden era right now, which is why a lot of our content now is just reacting to our old videos.

What’s next for Game Grumps?

Either a company-shattering controversy or a Mega Man 3 playthrough.

PlayStation Boss Jim Ryan Announces Plans to Step Down, Play ‘Halo 2’ for the First Time

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK CITY — Sony CEO Jim Ryan shocked the video game world today by announcing his plans to step down from his role, and subsequently “play a shitload of Halo,” sources confirmed.

“That’s not the whole reason I’m stepping down, the Halo 2 thing, just so everybody knows,” said Ryan, in a press release. “But if I’m being honest, it’s part of it. It’s been in the back of my head for a while now: ‘Hmm, that Halo seems fun as hell.’ It’s not that I was forbidden from trying it even, but you know, it just seemed a little funny. Now I’m all over it, though! I have a lot of free time, and after talking it over with my friends and family, I think I’m going to start with Halo 2.”

Gamers were surprised to hear about Ryan’s sudden departure, and mostly all agreed that Halo is pretty dope.

“Wow, so just like that, huh?” said local gamer Omar Greene. “He’s been CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment since 2011, I didn’t think he’d just step down so abruptly one day. But let’s be real, whether we’re CEO’s or not, everyone dreams of just telling work to fuck off one day and play a bunch of Halo 2 instead. This is honestly my favorite thing Jim Ryan’s ever done. Xbox should hire him or something.”

As of press time, Ryan had been in his basement for the last few hours with some kids from his neighborhood, and could at one point be heard yelling “Hot damn, this Game Pass has so much shit on it!”

Starfield Fast Travel Unavailable Error: Why Can’t I Fast Travel?

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Are you getting a fast travel unavailable error in Starfield? There are several reasons why this could happen in the game, beyond the most obvious ones. This Starfield guide will run you through each of them, and how to address the issue of “Fast Travel Is Currently Unavailable…” and its variations.

Overencumbered: Starfield Can’t Fast Travel On Foot

This one’s a no-brainer–you’re carrying too much stuff. Consume what you can in order to reduce your weight, and toss anything with a relatively low sell value. If you happen to have a UC Battlemeal Multipack available consuming it will allow you to carry eight additional Mass for eight minutes. If you’re in the vicinity of your ship, you can actually remotely access the Cargo Hold without being physically aboard the ship. Simply access your Inventory, select your ship, select the Cargo Hold, then Inventory (again) from that screen, and start transferring items over.

Ship Docking Status

If your ship is currently docked with another ship, or a StarStation, you will have to sit down in the cockpit and manually undock, before making the jump.

Ship Overencumbered: Starfield Can’t Grav Jump Fast Travel

Your ship itself can also be overencumbered, preventing you from making Grav Jumps. Both your Cargo Hold and Captain’s Locker have a defined maximum Mass. Now you might think the solution would be to Jettison items in your hold using the option provided, which you can do if you want to. But if you have nothing disposable, the simpler solution is to take items out of the Cargo Hold and just drop them on the floor of your ship. Items strewn about the ship’s decks are persistent and will not be lost, and do not count towards the encumbrance restriction towards fast travel.

Can’t Fast Travel To Escape Combat

Whether you are actively in combat, merely in the vicinity of enemies, or taking damage from mines or environmental hazards, fast travel will be disabled until you put some distance between yourself and the source of the threat. This is true in space combat as well, however there is a trick to escaping a losing battle in your ship–simply fast travel to a destination outside of the Star System you are in currently.

“Fast Travel Is Currently Unavailable From This Location”

Some locations themselves will not allow you to fast travel out of them with the message “Fast Travel Is Currently Unavailable From This Location”. This appears to be especially an issue within caves, mines, and enemy bases, and will not be resolved by simply killing everyone and everything inside. You will have to make your way to an exit before fast travel will be enabled again.

Quest or Mission Status Related

A myriad of story progression related reasons can prevent you from fast traveling. At the start of the game, you won’t even be able to fast travel until after you’ve met Sarah Morgan through the mission “Old Neighborhood”. If you’re aboard the Crimson Fleet’s capital ship during the course of infiltrating them on behalf of the UC, you cannot fast travel out of the scenario.

Aurora In Your Possession On Neon: Starfield Fast Travel Unavailable

If you have any Aurora in your inventory, you will not be permitted to fast travel off of the planet, as it is a banned substance in every Settled System. You will have to manually leave Neon on foot and get to your ship. Once you’re off-planet, Aurora is considered Contraband and will be subject to ship scans when you Grav Jump to locations in Settled Systems.

Contraband Aboard: Starfield Fast Travel Smuggling

If you have any Contraband in your Inventory or aboard your ship, and attempt to fast travel directly to a location on a planet in a Settled System, you will find the icons grayed out. This is because you must pass through a Settled Systems scan of your ship first, and that only happens when you Grav Jump to the system itself. Your only avenues out of this situation are to sell your Contraband to a vendor in the location you are currently at, or the Crimson Fleet’s The Key StarStation, or Jettisoning the material via your Cargo Hold. Dropping the items on the deck of your ship is not an option.

Fast Travel Unavailable: Starfield Game Bugs

There are several game-breaking bugs related to fast traveling. These can often be resolved by manually saving, restarting the game, and loading the save. Failing that, attempt to use your Star Map to fast travel to a different Star System entirely. Most often Earth may be the only location that is available as an option. This can help potentially reset the fast travel bug.

Those are all known reasons for fast travel being disabled in Starfield. Check out some of our other guides on the best stock ships, the best weapons and engines for them, and vendors for unique ship parts.

Forza Motorsport Splitscreen Guide: Can You Play Split-Screen?

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Samam Hasan

Looking to play Forza Motorsport locally with splitscreen multiplayer? Forza Motorsport will bring a new generation of simulation racing to car enthusiasts and racing fans all over the world. The game will include many new features to enhance the gameplay experience and realistic graphics to provide the ultimate racing feeling. One of the queries people may have might be whether the game will include split-screen racing like previous titles in the series. Many view racing games as a fun couch co-op title to play together, and this includes Forza. So, let’s take a look at whether Forza Motorsport will have split-screen gameplay.

Will Forza Motorsport Have Splitscreen Gameplay at Launch?

Unfortunately for racing fans, this year’s Forza Motorsport will not have Splitscreen gameplay at launch. In the August 2023 Forza Monthly Broadcast, the Creative Director at Turn 10, Chris Esaki, confirmed that Forza Motorsport would not have the split screen gameplay feature when the game launches in October. The feature was initially included as part of the launch, but the developers primarily focused on the graphical and rendering features. The lack of players’ split screen usage is also one reason why the feature will not be present. The split-screen mode is not the only feature that will be missing when the game launches. AI racers in multiplayer and Spectator mode will also not be available.

Though the split-screen feature will not be available at launch, that doesn’t mean it won’t ever be added to the game. If Microsoft and Turn 10 see that there are enough players requesting the feature, then they might include it in a future update. Split-screen gameplay is a fun way to play racing games, as it certainly brings a lot of excitement when playing with friends in the same room. So, players can certainly hope that the developers will include this feature in Forza Motorsport soon.

Forza Motorsport is set for release on October 10 on the Xbox Series X|S, PC, and Xbox One via cloud streaming. While you’re here, check out our guides hub for another popular Xbox game, Starfield.

Payday 3 Crossplay Guide: Is Payday 3 Cross Platform?

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Samam Hasan

Payday 3 is back for players to engage in high-stakes gameplay with a new bunch of missions and stories. With this new installment of this renowned shooter series, fans will be looking to team up together and pull off amazing heists with their buddies, be rich, and live the high life. One of the key aspects of Payday 3 is teamwork, so having a feature like crossplay could be really beneficial for those who are not on the same platform as their other friends. So, let’s take a look at whether Payday 3 supports the crossplay feature or not.

Is There Crossplay in Payday 3?

Fortunately, Payday 3 owners will be able to enjoy the crossplay feature in the game. This means players will be able to play with their friends across the PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, and PC. In addition to this, there is also cross-progression, where players will be able to transfer progress. So, players will be able to play Payday 3 together with their friends no matter what console they are on. Teamwork is key in Payday 3, and having the crossplay feature is a big plus for all the players. This will help in pulling off heists successfully.

To enable cross-progression, players will need to create a Starbreeze account and sign in on their preferred platform. This will make sure your progress is saved whenever you play, and you can then transfer that to any other platform.

To enable Crossplay, you will need to go into the Settings section and turn on Crossplay. If you prefer to play without Crossplay, you will simply have to turn off the crossplay feature. Generally, the Crossplay feature will provide faster matchmaking, but sometimes players prefer to play with people on the same platform as them.

Payday 3 is now available on the PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, and PC. If you’d rather play a new single-player RPG, check out our Starfield guides hub!

The Top 30 Games to Play Before You’re Born

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Aaraf Afzal

The video game canon may be young, but boy, is it mighty. There are titles that have stood the test of time and call for at least one playthrough over the course of your life: your Metal Gears, your Portals, your Fumito Ueda games. Well, forget about those! We’re not here for them.

We’re here to talk about the titles that, if you haven’t played, gamers won’t even look at you for. We’re talking about the games you better damn well have an opinion on fresh out of the womb. You plebeian. We can’t believe you consider yourself “born,” let alone a gamer.

#1. Super Mario Bros.

This goes without saying, but you need to have played a Mario game before you do anything else. Start by memorizing 1-1. You don’t want to be the jackass wearing Mario merch your aunt got you while knowing nothing about Mario, do you?

#2. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

On second thoughts, play this one. Mario’s a baby in it. It’ll give you a better understanding of how much of a burden you’ll be the first few years.

#3. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

It’s commonly believed that real-life took heavy inspiration from Breath of the Wild. There’s grass outside, and weather, and you can usually pick a direction and walk in it. By seeing these elements in their original form, you’ll develop a true appreciation for your hometown’s open world design — and you can talk all the other dumb babies’ ears off about it.

#4. Dark Souls

You can be 60 years old and gamers will still call you a baby if you haven’t played Souls. Or, you can “Git gud” as an infant and be crowned the realest adult of all.

#5. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe

This one’s for the lil’ siblings out there. Get some practice rounds in, ’cause big sib’s not gonna hold back.

#6. Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3

Same deal as above, but for fighting games. I think Super Smash Bros. would be too overwhelming; there’s way more characters and franchises than you can be expected to know at your age. An MvC game, on the other hand, will introduce you to a bunch of Marvel heroes you’ll be expected to know by first grade — and a bunch of game options to look into after birth.

#7. Final Fantasy VII

Final Fantasy is an anthology series, meaning every numbered entry is self-contained and you can start with any one. WRONG! Before you start, you need to have an encyclopedic knowledge of VII. In fact, you should know everything about VII before you even play VII: What happens to Aerith? Is Gaia Spira? Do we still know Sephiroth?

(Also: It’ll make Remake wayyy cooler, trust me.)

#8. Super Mario 64

Mario 64 was revolutionary for its time — and continues to be a cornerstone for 3D platformer game design to this day. If you’re coming into this world and picking up the hot new game your kindergarten friends are into or some shit, you won’t be able to appreciate how it draws from the OG — which is, of course, essential to the experience.

#9. Pokémon Red / Blue Version

You need to have the first 151 Pokémon memorized straight out of the womb. They’re on all the merch. Learn to sing the Pokérap by age 3.

#10. Minecraft

Minecraft also has a bunch of kids’ merch you want to be able to talk about. In addition: If you can understand Minecraft early on in life, your parents will have millions of hours of YouTube to slap on an iPad to shut you up. Do it for them?

#11. Red Dead Redemption 2

Forget about the M rating and just play it now. Trust me. Prioritize RDR or you’ll be saying “Oh yeah, it’s on my list” for your entire life.

#12. Life is Strange

See? I never got around to this one. But I wish someone had told me when I was young, ’cause the devs are totally right. Life is strange.

#13. Kingdom Hearts

Picture this: It’s 2025. This trailer comes on for a sick new game featuring your favorite Disney characters. You’re psyched!!! But here’s the catch: You need to play ALL the older ones to understand it. I’m just trying to give you a head start here. Go in release order and you’ll be fine…

#14. Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

No, seriously. Really get that head start.

#15. Fortnite

I’ve heard literal eight-year-olds wax poetic about the good ol’ days of Fortnite. Bro. You are eight. How long could it have been? Unless…

#16. Five Nights at Freddy’s

Y’all really have been gaming since infancy, huh? What does a six-year-old mean when they say FNAF “really fell off?” When were you around that it was “on?”

#17. The Last of Us Part II

Everyone and their mother is expected to have an opinion on this one. If the mother hasn’t passed that on to their child, is she even parenting?

#18. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

If there’s two things Star Wars fans love, it’s (1) hating Star Wars, and (2) namedropping Darth Revan. Imagine how jealous the other kids will be when they pull out their Boba Fett lunchboxes and you pull out your 42-page dossier on why Revan is the GOAT.

#19. Overcooked 2

Twins in utero? No problem! Go for a 4-stars run on this one and you’ll come out as an unstoppable duo.

#20. Hollow Knight

Get in on this one early! Baristas have been extra nice to me because they’ve seen me in a Hollow Knight shirt. Being an HK fan is the closest I’ve come to experiencing what folks call “pretty privilege” — and I want that for you too while you’re growing up.

#21. Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 2

Trust me when I say: This is the most efficient way to gain a comprehensive understanding of Dragon Ball Z without sitting through the whole 200+ episodes. Now, this is important: You wanna make sure mom gets you 2, not 3 (You don’t have friends yet, so it’s not like you need the bigger roster). BT2 is the only one that takes its time with its story and fleshes out the details.

#22. Donkey Kong Country

This is the definitive game for inducing nostalgia from before your time. It doesn’t matter when you came into this world; when you lived; when you left it all behind. Its soundtrack has been with you since your conception, and it will be there with you at your end.

#23. Assassin’s Creed II

Speaking of premature nostalgia: Maybe Ubisoft is onto something. Maybe genetic memory is a real thing. Maybe it’s your dad speaking, not you, when you say, “Ezio was the peak of the series. Everything after has been downhill.”

Good. Now say it again. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not; you’re getting so much street cred with the older kids.

#24. Yakuza 0

Here’s another head start to a long-running series for you. This one’s literally numbered 0! It’s like it was made for you. Born people can start with 1 or Kiwami.

#25. Final Fantasy XIV

I hear it gets really good after 400 hours. This way, you can get to Heavensward as soon as you’re born!

#26. Halo 2

It doesn’t matter how “Before Your Time” this one is. Gamers will just start reminiscing about Halo 2 apropos of nothing. I did not have an Xbox growing up and never have I felt more left out than when my friends would just start… chanting. Dude.

#27. A Google Doodle

Okay, we have a whole lot of pop culture trivia in there. Should probably invest some general knowledge in you too, eh?

#28. What Remains of Edith Finch

The first test of every person’s life is whether or not they cry the moment they’re born. Play this one, and you’re guaranteed to pass.

#29. Shadow of the Colossus

Okay, I know what I said about Fumito Ueda’s stuff — but this one really is essential at any stage in life and literally ends with [Spoilers]. You can replay it after being born, and it’ll offer a fascinating perspective. Make us a video essay about it!

#30. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Todd Howard recently announced Skyrim: Womb Edition, so you really have no excuse anymore. This is the must-play RPG. The only reason we ranked it #30 is that it takes like the full 9 months to beat — and we want to be realistic about your time.

Agent 47 Misses Obvious Pass Interference While Disguised as NFL Referee

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Patrick Crooks

FOXBORO, Mass. — NFL fans, players, as well as officials from the International Contracts Agency were incensed that while disguised as a referee, Agent 47 missed an obvious pass interference call that not only blew his cover, but cost the New England Patriots the game as well, sources report.

“How the fuck do you not call that” a furious DeVante Parker declared during a post-game conference. “[Kader] Kohou practically tackled me before the ball even got there, any first year pee-wee ref could see that was a pass-interference. Plus, who the hell was that bald asshole anyway? One of the line-judges just inexplicably disappeared during halftime and next thing we know this creepy dude is taking over for him.”

“Half the time he just kept walking away from the field and didn’t even seem focused on the game,” Parker added.

Officials from the ICA were also quick to denounce 47’s error and noted the Agency’s commitment to professionalism.

“I’m not at liberty to comment on an internal matter, but I assure our clients that appropriate action will be taken,” remarked Diana Burnwood, a senior official with the ICA. “Our agents are trained to act with the utmost level of professionalism and preparation. They are expected to have a rudimentary of any profession they might disguise as and to miss what, at the very least, was a defensive hold is simply unacceptable.”

Reached for comment, Agent 47 defended his behavior as within normal protocol for both the NFL and ICA.

“It was late in the 4th Quarter, whatever happened to just let them play,” the noted Assassin asked. “First of all, any contact that might have occurred during the play was incidental and not impeding the receiver. Also, it’s debatable that that was even a catchable ball anyway. As for ICA, did they forget why I was there in the first place? I think we’re being a bit pedantic here.”

Agent 47 ended his remarks by stating he stood by his call and that this had nothing to do with him being a lifelong Raiders fan.

New Saw Movie Features Torture Device Where Victim Must Watch Entire Saw Franchise in Order to Escape

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — A five-minute sneak peek of the upcoming movie Saw X, the latest entry in the long-running horror series, revealed the premise of one of the film’s trademark torture devices.

“Hello, Karl. I’d like to play a game,” says the iconic voice of the villain Jigsaw through a taped recording. “You’ll notice the television in front of you is showing the DVD menu for my first movie. Next to it is a binder containing discs for the entire series. Any attempt to leave the room before you have watched each film, beginning to end, will trigger a bomb that has been surgically implanted in the base of your neck. There are no restraints to hold you down. There is no lock on the door. Live or die. Make your choice.”

Fan reaction to the sequence has been overwhelmingly positive.

“Normally, I don’t like when movies like this get all meta,” said Brett Pierson, who hosts a podcast dedicated to horror films. “But this is just so twisted that I can’t help but love it. It didn’t seem so intense at first, but once I realized they were including Spiral? Hoo boy! It’s an instant classic. You’re going to be hard pressed to find a Saw fan who doesn’t put this at the top of their ‘Favorite Traps’ list.”

Film critic Corey Holloway said that, while he could appreciate the craft of the scene, it hit a little too close to home.

“I’ve never seen my life depicted so accurately on screen,” said Holloway. “I have to commend the actor playing the victim for his amazing performance. He really sold it with his eyes. It’s like you could see the life and humanity leaving him each time he started a new movie. Some may think he gets a happy ending when he completes the test and escapes, but I know the awful truth. His life ended in that room. It’s a clever subversion of the franchise’s themes, but it leaves me feeling so, so hollow.”

At press time, producers revealed that viewers would experience the trap in real time and that a screening of the film would take over 13 hours to complete.

Professor Xavier’s VHS Collection Destroyed By The Awesome Power Of Magneto

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Rob Steinberg

WESTCHESTER COUNTY, N.Y. — During a recent battle with the Brotherhood of Mutants at the X-Mansion, Magneto took the opportunity to use his magnetic powers to erase all of Professor Xavier’s VHS collection rendering them useless.

“This is the worst thing he’s ever done, you don’t mess with a man’s VHS collection!” said Professor X via telepathy. “My collection included compilations of local TV commercials, Z-grade exploitation movies, Dazzler karaoke videos, Latverian Star Wars knock-offs, and rare copies of Reverend William Stryker’s public access puppet shows! Now they are all gone, and I don’t exactly have a Cerebro type device for finding them at thrift stores again.”

Kitty Pryde shared her frustration.

“I never understood his obsession but he is clearly shaken,” she said. “This is the most defeated I’ve ever seen Xavier. We have a Danger Room filled with the most realistic holograms possible and he still would complain that they lacked the aesthetic only a VHS can bring. We once fought Apocalypse over a giant pyramid made completely out of copies of Jerry Maguire tapes in the desert. The guy does not mess around.”

Magneto, meanwhile, has shown no remorse for his tape deleting actions.

“Charles may be angry now, but he will eventually thank me for it,” he said. “VHS, much like the humans, is an outdated format. As homo superiors, we must only enjoy the top shelf formats such as Blu-ray with special features. And I won’t be stopping my crusade here. Very soon I will be taking my actions towards Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher of the Found Footage Festival!”

The X-Men are still rebuilding from the defeat. Fortunately, it appears that one of Professor X’s six copies of Total Recall still works.