Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Breaking: YouTuber Just Pronounced That Word Wrong

Posted on September 29, 2023 by Kevin Podas

SEATTLE — In the middle of a 90-minute video essay outlining the “shocking production history” behind the movie Space Jam, a YouTuber very clearly mispronounced a word that you know how to say correctly, sources have confirmed.

“Hold up, did he just say ‘laytmotif’ instead of ‘leitmotif’?” read one comment from Destroyer49. “How does he not know how to say that word? Even I know how to say that word. And I’m just some dumb guy commenting on a YouTube video!”

The YouTuber in question, Toaster Tim, issued an apology following the public display of humiliation.

“I apologize to all of my fans and subscribers for letting you down like this,” began Tim’s statement. “I should have not been a dumbass, and learned how to say that word correctly. The worst part is, I’ve apparently been saying it wrong my entire life. I have a lot of people to call up and apologize to personally. I will do better.”

Responses to Tim’s apology were varied.

“This apology isn’t good enough,” read a post from Twitter user John Cum. “You clearly will not do better. You clearly will continue to go on and hurt your fanbase by mispronouncing all sorts of words throughout your entire career. How quickly have we all forgotten the time you pronounced the ‘L’ in ‘salmon’? Or what about when you recommended that viewers clear their ‘cashay’ on their internet browser every month? No, you will be stopped– or my name isn’t John Cum.”

At press time, Toaster Tim was seen with a dictionary on camera, finding and practicing words he wasn’t familiar with just in case.

10 Other Politicians We Thought Were Already Dead

Posted on September 29, 2023 by Hard Drive Staff

The news of Senator Dianne Feinstein’s death caught many Americans off guard today, as they’d assumed the 90-year-old senator had passed away earlier this year during a senate vote. With that in mind, here are ten more politicians we were shocked to discover still have a pulse.

#1. Joe Biden

I don’t buy into the bigger picture right wing conspiracy stuff at all, but I swore I saw this man die on a bicycle once – did that not happen? Mentally I’ve been living under the Harris Administration for years. I’ve been hiding my weed.

Oh god I just remembered I’ve posted a Facebook status celebrating having a black president again.

#2. Mitch McConnell

Again, not big on conspiracy theories, but I watched this man die two times already this year. That can’t be good for him.

#3. Nancy Pelosi

I thought Nancy Pelosi died? My uncle showed me a video that said she died four years ago and a series of robots were resuming her place. I’m willing to believe it’s bullshit, but please excuse me if I don’t tell my uncle.

#4. Jesse Ventura

I guess he survived the Predator after all. Very cool!

#5. Bob Dole

Oh wait, you know what? Yeah. Bob Dole is dead. Sorry. Moving on!

#6. The Boss (Saints Row 4)

Between all the aliens and super powers and crazy shit, I thought The Boss died. But I looked it up just now and there’s actually a few different endings and he lives through all of them, and I guess he even cryogenically unfreezes Jane Austen in one of them. Whoa! I thought she was dead, too!

#7. Kane/Glen Jacobs

Burned in a horrific fire, but somehow survived and ended up becoming the Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee since 2018.

#8. Michael Haggar (Final Fight)

Did you know the guy from Final Fight was a mayor? Remember that the next time you hear any politician say they’re going to “Clean up the streets.” Not like this hoss you’re not.

#9. Cowboy Oligarch Elon Musk

I swore I saw a picture of his body prepared for an open casket funeral where someone had mistakenly placed his beloved cowboy hat on backwards.

#10. Me, The Writer

I swear to god I thought I died while playing Dark Souls III. Also, I was class president of my high school.

Epic Claims They Could’ve Saved Those 900 Jobs if You’d Just Bought Some More Dances and Skins

Posted on September 29, 2023 by Corey Arbor

CARY, N.C. — Following a layoff of nearly 20 percent of their staff, Epic Games, the creators of smash hit Fortnite, said the largest factor was you personally not buying more skins and dances, sources have confirmed.

“Some are saying the reasons for these layoffs are exuberant CEO salaries and a series of reckless acquisitions we overspent on,” said Epic CEO and founder Tim Sweeney, shortly after announcing the layoffs. “But that’s not it at all. It’s your fault. You, the gamer reading this. When was the last time you brought something to this arrangement? We are modern Robin Hoods that stood up to Apple that one time and give you a bunch of free stuff, when was the last time you spent money on buying one of the hundreds of pre-existing character skins in our shops, each carrying a license we spent multiple employees’ salaries on acquiring!? Why don’t you buy one of the many dances we pilfered and changed just enough from online creators while you’re at it?! There was literally no other option we could see but to send over 800 employees, who just helped us have some of our most profitable years, into the chaos of joblessness in an already-crowded market.”

Gamers were saddened to learn of their hand in the recent layoffs.

“Man, I figured it was the normal wave of executives punishing the people whose labor provide them their salary,” said local Chris Oliver. “But it turns out I should’ve really bought that John Wick skin instead of merely talking about how cool I thought it was. Now here I am with hundreds of people’s unemployment status on my conscious. That’s my bad, guys.”

As of press time, when asked why Sweeney didn’t simply retain employees and cut the pay of executives responsible for poor fiscal planning, Sweeney made a verbal offer to purchase Hard Drive.

What’s the Worst RPG on Every Generation of Xbox?

Posted on September 28, 2023 by Christian Harrison

Microsoft, like its console competitors, had a strong presence in the computer world before it ever started thinking about getting into gaming. It’s had a long and successful history since then, even if Phil Spencer currently oversees the largest expansion and most legal complications since the company was founded, all while smiling like the kid who took your lunch money.

Role-playing games have always been at the core of gaming, with immersive worlds and engaging stories. While Xbox has had a number of RPG hits through the years, from Fable to Starfield, it’s had just as many titles that have shown limitations or poor quality control, which should come as no surprise from the company that brought us Windows 8. Here are the worst RPG’s on every generation of Xbox console.

Xbox: Dinotopia: The Sunstone Odyssey

Dinotopia: The Sunset Odyssey is probably the closest thing we got to Ark: Survival Evolved before it was released, with the player taking on the role of a family stranded in the titular dinosaur-infested land. It’s a fairly interesting concept, as leading man Drake Gemini tries to defend his new home from pirates (and dinosaurs). The actual visuals look dated, even for being on the first generation of Xbox, and the minimal UI was outdated even then. With every repetitive “Uhh,” that the enemy lets out when you strike them, it’s easy to see why this title was critically panned for being lackluster, and just a poor experience for anyone with an original Xbox console.

This sucks because if this game was any good, childhood me would’ve gone absolutely nuts to fight against pirates and threatening species of Dinotopia. As it stands, however, this is but one more disappointment on this long journey into the grave. More like The Stone Cold Bummer Odyssey, I’m afraid.

Xbox 360: Two Worlds

I’m not going to lie, this one hits even closer to home for me because I spent what little allowance I had buying the boxed edition of this game. I thought, that because it was a boxed edition, it must be a good RPG, along the lines of Oblivion and Morrowind, which my cool older cousin had shown me. My friends, that was the day I learned of my own hubris.

It’s just a really boring game that thinks an open world and monsters make for a Bethesda Softworks-worthy title, and it definitely doesn’t. The animations are stiff and incredibly repetitive, with enemies flinching the same way every time they’re hit, and it features one of the more lackluster combat systems you’ll find in this generation of games. The UI also seems like it wanted to be realistic and give a feel of tabletop RPG games, but it was mostly just really boring, and not even fun-boring, like Kingdom Come: Deliverance.

Xbox One: Toro

Bullfighting, one of the worst traditions in entertainment, isn’t a great idea for a game, being based on a barbaric activity that seems relevant only to an ever-shrinking community in Spain. It’s not even a good representation either, as the bull and custom player characters in Toro just move stiffly beside one another, with no real flair or artistry to make the game interesting.

I’m not kidding, the entire premise of the game is trying different passes to get a better score and applause from a stadium of NPCs. While it’s not a fantastic game, it’s good to know that those who enjoy the torture of those animals will have something to turn to when the rest of the dwindling audience realizes watching bulls being tortured is pretty messed up. You’ll always have Toro on the Xbox 360, you sickos.

This game makes me laugh every time I look at it. This came out on the Xbox One, a console released just a decade ago, way past the point that games looked and played as simple as this. While it might not be your idea of an RPG, it is definitely my idea of a game bad enough to be on a list like this. Anyone that has a problem with that is invited to stiffly run at me while I awkwardly shuffle out of your way.

Xbox Series: Redfall

I was unfortunate enough to have to play this game to write up some guides, but was thankfully fortunate enough that I did not have to write an in-depth review of it. There were whispers that players shouldn’t expect much from Redfall ahead of release, but I kept my mind open until I actually played it. At which point it didn’t run well on any system we used and was pretty flat in gameplay, which was tragic for being an Arkane game. They’ve made some truly amazing games, so it was largely a disappointment when it released and drew speculation about whether or not executives had their mitts in the game after having been acquired by Xbox in 2021. I think in 2023 we all have our answer.

There are so few redeeming qualities in Redfall that I could literally lose access to it from my account and not notice. It’s just hard to explain how much that game irritated me as I struggled to get it to function long enough to get a guide or two out on my PC and Xbox. Regardless, it wasn’t an enjoyable experience and I’d like to forget it exists now, forever. Thank you. That’s my review.

Check out our Best and Worst RPG’s on Each Generation of PlayStation!

Sora Accused of Lowering Standards by Wearing Hoodie and Shorts in Presence of King Mickey

Posted on September 28, 2023 by Will Carnevale

DISNEY CASTLE — Sora, an adventurer known for his heroism in the ongoing Organization XIII conflict, has found himself at the center of a debate over the unwritten dress code at Disney Castle.

“It’s one thing to wear such casual garments in combat against the darkness,” royal adviser Yen Sid told reporters at a courtyard press conference following a meeting with King Mickey and his allies, including Sora, “but wearing them around this esteemed castle, especially in the presence of the king, is a breach of decorum, and lowers royal standards at a time when they should be at their highest.”

Though Yen Sid has historically refrained from making public statements—rarely even straying from his tower—Sora was unsurprised that his manner of dress had compelled the normally reclusive sorcerer to speak out.

“This is just more of the same from Yen Sid,” said Sora. “Every time I see that guy, he gives me a new outfit with slightly longer pants. Donald gets to run around with no pants at all, but I wear clothes in front of His Majesty that Yen Sid himself picked out, and that’s a bridge too far. At this point, he should drop the pretense and give me one of those red apprentice getups he loves so much. Nothing like freeballing under a robe to bring some class back to Disney Castle.”

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather, Yen Sid’s tailors in residence, corroborate Sora’s claims about the origins of his controversial outfits. In fact, the fairies say they have even made at least one similar outfit for King Mickey, to which the king alluded while expressing support for Sora in a statement of his own from the castle audience chamber.

“I have a lot of respect for my mentor,” King Mickey Mouse said, “but the great Yen Sid is wrong on this one. I love two-way zippers, impractical lapels, plaid accents, and fun little straps everywhere. Even on shoes that already have laces. And I’ve never been the kind of king to stand on ceremony, so I fully endorse Sora’s attire and invite Master Yen Sid to join us on the right side of history whenever he’s ready.”

The king went on to say that there are much bigger problems to focus on, like keeping the names and backstories of all the different Xenahorts straight.

James Gunn Reveals ‘Superman’ Reboot Will Be Adapted From That Goldfinger Song

Posted on September 28, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Filmmaker and new head of DC films James Gunn has revealed that his upcoming Superman film will rely heavily on the lyrics of the popular Goldfinger song, “Superman,” for its inspiration, sources have confirmed.

“There’s so much material to choose from, I thought it would be fun to go in this entirely new direction,” said Gunn, shortly after appearing with the band on Hollywood Boulevard to make the announcement. “John Feldmann and company’s take on the ‘Superman’ lore has always fascinated me. Here’s Clark Kent, doing everything he can, holding onto what he is. Is he the Superman the red son of Krypton fated him to be, or is he merely pretending? I think every Superman goes through a moment where he wants to throw it all awayyyyy, but ours is just going to have a very ’90s West Coast flavor.”

The news was met with mixed reactions from comic book fans.

“Wait, like that song from Tony Hawk?” asked local gamer Joe McNeil. “Look, it’s a great song, there’s no way around that, but is there a two hour movie in there? I mean, There’s not really a villain, besides the singer’s self-doubt. How do you shoot that? Oh man, this is going to be mostly Clark Kent sad about Lois Lane, isn’t it? Great. I will give it the benefit of the doubt though, because Gunn always does such fun stuff with music in his movies. If anyone can turn a three minute ska song into a beloved superhero film, it’s him.”

Members of Goldfinger were delighted yet perplexed by announcement.

“This song has nothing to do with DC Comics or the Superman character,” Feldmann clarified. “It was a song I wrote in my 20s about the growing feelings of alienation and depression that are common amongst so many of us. It was later immortalized in the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video games, and it’s generally one of the more well-remembered ska songs from the third wave of the late ‘90s. I’m not sure how he’s gonna fit Lex Luthor in there, but I guess that’s his problem to figure out.”

“Who cares?” asked Gunn in response to Feldmann’s skepticism. “That shit slaps.”

Paper Mario Partners Ranked by How Suitable They Are as Wrapping for Raw Meats and Fish

Posted on September 28, 2023 by Joe Tilleli

To finish off September’s Direct, Nintendo unveiled a trailer many 30-and-older Mario fans never thought they would see: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is getting a from-the-ground-up remake for the Nintendo Switch set to release sometime next year.

Over the years, the fandom has argued over the direction the series has taken — simplifying gameplay, removing RPG elements, and changing the combat system from game to game. A pocket of gamers have yearned for a new title that would follow the core of what they consider the peak in the lineup. TTYD is cherished for it enriching story (for a Mario game) and its lovable cast of characters. Of all features removed in later entries, the partners system has been the most missed. And while Origami King kind-of, sort-of brings it back, it’s not quite what it was in the first two games.

But now with Nintendo announcing a remake of TTYD for the Nintendo Switch, fans are thrilled to come home to an old favorite and have new hope that the next entry may be an even greater return to form. In honor of this latest announcement, we’ve compiled a list of our favorite partners from the series (specifically Paper Mario on Nintendo 64 and Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door). We’ve ranked them not by their combat viability, nor by their personalities or impact on the story. No, we’ve ranked them by how appropriate your local butcher would find these paper companions at wrapping raw meats and fish. Enjoy!

#15 — Sushi

This is just animal cruelty. Please don’t wrap this cheep-cheep around the butchered carcass of her slain brethren. I can’t in good conscience place her any higher on the list.

#14 — Parakarry

Plain and simple, the paratroopa’s feathers will contaminate the steaks. This is no good. Unless of course you’re hatching some sort of credit card/airline mile scam. In that specific case, bump this frequent flyer to the top of the list.

#13 — Watt

Watt is a floating lightbulb. Not only is she one of the smaller partners — unable to wrap large cuts of meat — but she is hot to the touch. You want your brisket to start cooking in the fridge? I don’t think so.

#12 — Lady Bow

This aristocrat from beyond the grave would huff at the suggestion of getting her hands dirty and aiding a working class butcher. But more concerning, simply making contact with the meat runs the risk of both the paper and its contents going invisible. Hope you remember where you set down that branzino.

#11 — Vivian

With the evil-turned-good Shadow Siren, you unfortunately run the same risk of making your meat disappear. She ranks higher on the list than Bow because you’re better off hiring a trans specter of color rather than another wealthy, white member of the Boo-geoisie.

#10 — Ms. Mowz

Ms. Mowz is an optional party member. She is also an optional parchment for any Italian pork store to have on hand. Her flirtatious nature may get some customers in the door, but they won’t be returning after they realized she lifted their wallets with Kiss Thief.

#9 — Bombette

She is a time bomb. At any moment, she could explode — instantaneously cooking and shredding your meat to bits. This can, however, be used advantageously for pulled pork sandwiches.

#8 — Kooper

This is your middle-of-the-road pick for paper. Kooper is medium in size and has an adventurer’s spirit to take on any task at hand — no questions asked. Today, that task is have his thin body folded around some tilapia. Go get ’em, tiger.

#7 — Yoshi Kid

While small in stature, he may not be able to wrap around the largest meats. However, the player’s option to name the Yoshi kid along with their ability to be born in seven different colors could prove lucrative for labeling different cuts of beef.

#6 — Goombario

Goombario has encyclopedic knowledge of all his targeted enemies, including the various meats and fish his body is pressed against. He’s a walkin’, talkin’ Best-By date that can let you know exactly when that hunk of halibut in the fridge is about to spoil.

#5 — Goombella

Goombella is the same deal as Goombario except her ponytail gives her a noticeable bump in size to cover even larger cuts. A porterhouse perhaps.

#4 — Admiral Bobbery

This ship captain has been seasoned by the salty air of the open sea. This incidentally does a fine job pre-seasoning the filet while preserving it better than his unsalted peers.

#3 — Koops

At first glance, you may think he’d be pretty much even with his previous game counterpart, Kooper. Taking closer look at his move set, you’ll see one key difference. Shell Shield — typically used to encase and protect Mario from incoming attacks — is actually pretty well insulated. It makes for a great cooler.

#2 — Madame Flurrie

Purely from a surface area point of view, the cloud spirit actress from the Boggly Woods will get you the most bang for your buck — so long as you’re cool with that sirloin you just purchased having huge bazongas.

#1 — Lakilester

This cool-guy lakitu has a seemingly infinite arsenal of paper spinies to hurl at enemies — or to wrap all your cold cuts. Lakilester doesn’t even need to be the butcher paper himself. Instead, he’ll be the one behind the deli counter asking you, ” What’ll it be, boss?” and “Is this thin enough?” when you call on him for your pound and a half of Genoa salami.

Elon Musk Attempts To Rename ‘Diablo’ on Stream, No One Listens

Posted on September 28, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — During a recent livestream of the popular action role-playing game Diablo IV, Elon Musk made an unsuccessful attempt to get everyone to call it something else, sources have confirmed.

“Okay hear me out guys,” said Musk, the current owner of, um, “X” (formerly Twitter, and almost certainly Twitter again someday). “See how this game is filled with raging hellfire? What if we started calling all of the Diablo games Blaze? Wouldn’t that be so cool? I think Blaze is a much stronger name than Diablo. If you don’t believe me, ask my son Blaze Java Musk. Will you also ask him why he doesn’t talk to me anymore? Anyways, we’re calling this game Blaze now. It’s going to be so epic.”

Those tuning into the Musk’s livestream had a mixed reaction to his suggestion of calling the Diablo series of games, popular for decades, something else entirely on a whim of his.

“You can’t really do that, and you shouldn’t really do that,” said one viewer on Twitch. “I mean, you can personally call a thing whatever you want, but to think you can just change everyone’s mind about what to call something? That’s just a special kind of having your head up your own ass. I actually admire it in a way. But seriously, you can’t control what people want to call something. Ask your kid with the name like a Mega Man password what they call him when he starts going to school. You’ll see.”

Others, however, saw the rechristening as the latest work of astounding genius by Musk.

“Masterful grasp of the human language, as always sir,” said a different Twitch viewer, who’d lost his life savings and family over his insistence that NFT’s were the future. “’Blaze’ is a much stronger, more powerful name. Don’t let the majority of these viewers who are laughing at your every instinct discourage you. They’re just jealous of your willingness to fail in front of the entire world as often as you do. Bravo, my brave leader. Also, the word ‘Blaze’ reminds me of the Tesla I used to drive before, uh, something happened to it, so that’s extra cool!”

As of press time, the only people calling the game Blaze were doing it sarcastically.

What’s the Worst RPG on Each Generation of PlayStation?

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Christian Harrison

Believe it or not, Sony doesn’t just make TVs and too many Spider-Man movies. The international company has made a large share of its fortune by continuously evolving as a competitor in each new generation of consoles. The latest, the PS5, is damn near my favorite console ever, as well as one of the largest, and certainly the most physically unbalanced I’ve ever owned.

Each generation of consoles also has a collection of role playing games that range from making the most of the hardware to leaving players with a bad taste in their mouths. The first system I owned was the original PlayStation, occupying the role of my favorite puppets in the Sesame Street Sports game that was the second most tragic thing to happen in 2001. The titles have gotten better since then, thankfully, but every new generation will still have games that try to skate by without realizing their full potential.

Every system has its worst RPG, and these are the ones on every Sony PlayStation. You may disagree with some of my selections, and whether they qualify as RPGs at all, and that’s completely okay. I still love you, even if others have a hard time with it.

PlayStation 1: Eternal Eyes

A lot of games will see the success of other titles and try to copy their formula in the hopes it will be enough, and that seems to be what Eternal Eyes was going for. While the art style was cute at times, it was also pretty standard for the era and both the protagonists and game mascots look like off-brand versions of other series’ characters. The tactical gameplay isn’t anything special, but the effects and turn-based gameplay may have been a hit among players. It just feels like literally everyone did this better, you know? It’s just bland and nothing good can possibly come out of sitting through hour after hour of the monotonous chores and repeated music. The bar is not high for PlayStation 1 games, but still, I want you to close your eyes and listen to that low-tone music paired with constant beeping and tell me you wouldn’t be convinced you were supposed to kill John Lennon if you played this long enough.

PlayStation 2: Orphen: Scion of Sorcery

The voice acting in this game isn’t that bad, especially when you consider that it’s a dub, but its pairing with incredibly funny character animations and impressive anime scenes make Orphen: Scion of Sorcery unquestionably something special. However, that’s also the reason the overall atmosphere is so awkward. That and the general humor of the PS2 era, coupled with weird translations and dialogue choices (think Kingdom Hearts 2.)

The actual gameplay is a whole different issue, as whoever designed it must have had a premonition of Beat Saber the night they started on it. For some befuddling reason, the player character stands in one place for each battle and throws spells and fireballs at pre-designated weak points on the monster with no real way to avoid attacks. It’s essentially the same strategy as a game of rock-paper-scissors. I love weird animations of characters and games many consider to be bad, but even I can recognize a pretty lame combat mechanic when it’s this blatant. The developer knew what VR games would be like in the future and designed Orphen: Scion of Sorcery around that whole theory, about 20 years too early.

PlayStation 3: Natural Doctrine

Natural Doctrine reminds me of how depressed I was during the PlayStation 3 era, mostly thanks to its drab colors and shallow depth. There just doesn’t seem to be much to this game outside of classic RPG tropes, cliche anime voice acting, and one of the most obnoxious UIs you’ve likely ever seen. The tactical combat isn’t fun or unique in any way. Instead, it largely feels so complex that it’s weighing itself down in the process. There’s no way the children playing this game were planning the complicated maneuvers that this title wanted from them, which probably disappointed the developers as much as I disappointed my parents when I didn’t want to do anything but play video games. Nevertheless, even the story seems to be something we’ve all seen from countless titles before. I’m not mad at you, Natural Doctrine. I’m just disappointed.

PlayStation 4: Ghost Recon: Breakpoint

There was a time when players had a lot of respect for Ubisoft and the Ghost Recon brand before the company became the cash grabbing mechanism that it is today. Breakpoint‘s predecessor, Wildlands, was generally well received and the open world was one of Ubisoft’s proofs of concept for that idea going forward. However, it was also a core example of the company wanting to do everything ‘okay,’ therefore doing nothing well.

Ghost Recon: Breakpoint only evolved on that and made it worse, adding in even more extensive content and the promise of NFTs, which was as well received as anyone bragging about owning an NFT. At that point, the game became a roleplaying experience about how much you can play the title before your head explodes. While many were already soured on the Assassin’s Creed series forays into similar worlds, this really began the spiraling opinion of Ubisoft’s characters and narratives.

Ghost Recon may not see a new entry for a while, as Ubisoft canceled a free-to-play tactical PVP shooter a little over a year ago in July 2022 to the cheers of GR fans everywhere. Whoever talked some sense into the Guillemot brothers needs to do it again and have them return to the drawing board for a good return to the Ghost Recon universe with a story that means something. Thanks!

PlayStation 5: Dungeons and Dragons: Dark Alliance

Especially after the release of Baldur’s Gate 3, the Dungeons and Dragons franchise is something that should be respected, and many viewed Dark Alliance as a disappointment in that aspect. It’s one of the more disappointing launches for the PlayStation 5 so far, especially when it had so much to draw from.

The game doesn’t look bad by any means, but it’s ultimately a mediocre game trying to hide under the name of a popular and known brand. The character animations are stiff and the gameplay is largely pretty basic, reminding me of a watered-down version of good RPG games like Dragon Age: Inquisition. Additionally, it strips away many of the features that players have come to love in these types of games. For example, there’s no ability to create a custom character with your own class. Instead, the game is fixed in its playable characters. That’s not the D&D your mother warned you about!

Check out our Worst RPG’s on Each Generation of Xbox!

Spirit Halloween Moves Into Former Nintendo eShop Space on 3DS

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Gamers across the world were surprised this week when holiday retailer Spirit Halloween took over the vacant space on the 3DS home screen formerly occupied by the eShop icon.

“I booted up my New 3DS XL and saw this weird icon where the eShop used to be,” said Jared Haney. “I was worried something was wrong with the system itself. Obviously, I hacked it a long time ago, and I thought Nintendo might have found some way of detecting jailbroken consoles. But after I gathered up the courage to tap the icon, it was just a weirdly empty, poorly-organized app full of overpriced Halloween costumes. Browsing it made me feel like I needed to take a shower.”

Lilian Daly, Spirit Halloween’s Director of Public Relations, explained that the company is no stranger to expansion.

“We’re always looking for affordable real estate,” said Daly, dressed in an inflatable T-Rex costume. “When we heard that this space was available, we moved on it right away. It’s even more attractive than an old CVS or Bon Ton. Millions of customers will now have the chance to visit our store without having to walk through a sketchy strip mall parking lot that feels like a graveyard for the victims of capitalism.”

Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa explained that the video game giant was happy to strengthen their relationship with the seasonal retailer.

“Nintendo is proud to have Spirit as our business partner,” said Furukawa. “For years, our fans have been able to find our licensed merchandise at their numerous, convenient retail locations. While we want to reaffirm that they should no longer play games on their old consoles, they are welcome and encouraged to purchase an official Bowser costume right on their 3DS. That’s right, King Bowser, as seen in the hit motion picture, The Super Mario Bros. Movie!”

At press time, Dollar Tree and Mattress Firm had reportedly entered into a bidding war over the vacant eShop space on the WiiU.