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Paramount Urges Teens Not to Try Watching New Jackass Movie at Home

LOS ANGELES — Paramount executives have issued a disclaimer surrounding their upcoming sequel Jackass Forever urging fans of the franchise to be responsible and under no circumstances try to pirate the movie to watch at home. 

“We know delayed releases and COVID variants are the kind of things that make kids do something scary like stay home and download a movie instead of seeing it legit in a theater,” said Franklin Kemp, a Paramount executive. “Today we are begging you to ignore your urges, ignore the peer pressure, and whatever you do, please pay full price for our film when it comes out. The safety of our company’s future depends on it.” 

Many fans of the franchise reportedly weren’t planning on heeding Paramount’s urges. 

“They put warnings on all of those movies, and it’s never once affected me,” said Joe Booker, who’s been a fan of Jackass for decades at this point. “It’s obvious they just put that stuff on there because they have to. So yeah, I’m afraid I will be downloading the movie at home and ignoring their requests, much like I put a toy car up my ass after seeing the first movie and did enough cocaine to almost kill myself after seeing the second. You just can’t control the Jackass fans, man.” 

Though most of the fanbase rejected the plea, Johnny Knoxville, the de facto leader of the group, issued a request that fans heed the request. 

“I know there’s nothing cool about lining up and paying 12 bucks to sit in a petri dish so you can watch us puke on each other,” said Knoxville in a video posted to his Instagram page last night. “But if we don’t do a good box office on this one there’s talks of, and I still can’t believe it, one more Jackass movie. Do you guys want me to be killed by a bull? Because if you pirate this movie I’ll be killed by a bull while we make the next one. I can just tell.” 

As of press time, Paramount decided to move the Jackass Forever premiere date a few more months back just to make sure everybody knows what the deal is.