Tomorrow’s Nintendo Direct Will Be Livestreamed Twice by Nintendo Ireland Out of Disrespect for the Queen

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

DUBLIN — As a sign of disrespect to Queen Elizabeth II, tomorrow’s Nintendo Direct livestream will be played twice back to back by Nintendo Ireland.

“Fuck her, I say,” said Nintendo of Ireland President Eoin ó Ceallaigh. “I only have respect for one member of the royal family and that’s Bowsette. I don’t even like Peach. I hope the Direct is just a bunch of JRPG games with evil monarchs who turn into big stupid dragons you can kill and I hope everybody in the UK cries about it. Fuck the royal family, fuck colonialism, and fuck Sony for good measure too. Sorry, I’m a big console war guy too.”

The move comes as a direct response to UK Nintendo’s decision to delay the livestream to its citizens out of respect for the recently passed queen. 

“Aye, there’s no way I’m in the right mental state to see videos of Link and Zelda, the Queen just died not 72 hours ago,” said one British gamer. “And I heard the Queen always hated those buggers. It would just be wrong for people to have to look at their jolly little Italian faces at a time like this. I get that we can’t just force everyone to skip the Direct like we are, but I’m glad that no one will be gleefully watching it due to just the fact that they know the Queen would be pissed. That would piss me right off.”

At press time, members of the unofficial Nintendo Scotland were reportedly passing around bootlegged copies of Nintendo Ireland’s double-screening to play at underground viewing parties during the UK’s ban on lively video game news.

Guy Telling Parents About Date Clearly Just Describing Pigeon from ‘Hatoful Boyfriend’

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

PORTLAND, Maine — Local loner Darin Youseman’s story about a date he went on with his boyfriend last Friday was quickly determined by witnesses to actually be about Yuuya Sakazaki, a flirty upperclassman and fantail pigeon from the visual novel series Hatoful Boyfriend.

“He’s an experienced world traveler, stably employed… I think his allegiance to the pacifists in the Dove Party is a little centrist and naive, but hold on hold on — mmmm, mrom, dish ish rullhy good,” Youseman reportedly said, eating an enormous mouthful of his mother’s meatloaf to avoid having to elaborate. “Mmmm, anyway, he’s got these gleaming pink… lips, you know, and the most gorgeous soft snow-white… uh, skin? Skin, yeah.”

Youseman’s parents, who weren’t fooled by this ruse, lament that this is not the first time their son has framed a video game route as a romantic encounter.

“Your father wanted me to trust you when you told us about that the nice green tiger-boy whose book you got published, or that girl who paints murals with her feet,” Mrs. Youseman said, recalling her son’s playthroughs of Amorous and Katawa Shoujo. “But when you said that thing about Yuuya blowing holes in the side of a tank with an anti-materiel rifle, well, that got us concerned, honey. Are you still speaking with that young lady from the literature club? Your grandmother liked her a lot.”

Undeterred, Youseman reportedly kept up the lie, and bragged about landing Yuuya to his friends the following day.

“Darin, this guy sounds like toootal husband material,” his former high school classmate Cristina Holmes said in clueless awe. “Cute little glasses, secure enough in his gender to work in a maid cafe, and he took a lethal dose of poison to save his brother’s life from a political assassination? Brian would never do that for me. You got one of the good ones.”

At press time, Youseman had reportedly gotten to the end of Yuuya’s route and decided it was easier to come clean than admit he had been tricked into eating his boyfriend.

Big Revelation Incoming: This JRPG Character Just Walked Up to a Pointy Cliff

Posted on by Kyle Erf

THE FOOTHILLS OF AMENHYRST PEAK — A character in the JRPG game Jewel Blood: The Bewitching has reportedly wandered over to a pointy cliff, which almost certainly indicates a long winded speech and/or a big plot point are imminent, sources within the main party have confirmed. 

“Oh yeah, we better get over there,” said Lynnmar the Elven, when she noticed that the party’s leader had moseyed over towards Amenhyrst Peak, holding the crystals they’d just obtained from the haunted swamp. “He’s gonna be so pissy if we miss the first half of the monologue. Plus, he won’t repeat himself either. I missed one of these one time and spent an entire year not knowing who or what we were going after. I just had to keep pretending to know what the whole deal was. It totally sucked.” 

The monologue given by Rivenmore the Bladed, the party’s leader, was mostly a summation of events up until this point, followed by the reveal that he’s known all along that the King of the surrounding lands was corrupt. 

“He’s so dramatic,” said Jarx the Mage, a longtime party member. “Like, just tell us that shit in the morning while we’re eating breakfast or something. It’s so dramatic to wait until sunset and get up a few feet above all of us to talk about the adventure we’ve been on so far.” 

“I know asshole,” he added. “I was right there with you.” 

Most party members agreed that the so-called “revelation” had essentially boiled down to contextualizing everything they’d learned in the last day or two and overexplaining what felt like some pretty obvious conclusions to everyone involved. 

“Does he think I just got here,” asked Spike, the little talking dog.  “Yeah, all signs do point towards this having something to do with The Chosen Family. That’s why they’re The Chosen Family! God! Why did we let this guy be the leader? We were fooled by the size of his sword, huh? I know I sure was. Boy, we really blew it.” 

As of press time, everyone could tell Rivenmore was done with his speech and started clapping for him.

DEAL ALERT: Xbox Series X Same Price as It Always Is

Posted on by Jason Herbert

After the PS5 price hike, gamers everywhere can rejoice at the amazing deal Microsoft has offered — Xbox Series X price has done a total 360 to remain right back at the same price it’s always been. Buying an Xbox Series X at the exact same price is an absolute steal. 

“Microsoft prides itself on putting our users first,” said CEO of Microsoft Gaming Phil Spencer. “By keeping the price of Xbox Series X the same as it already was, we are showing how much we value them. Any company that would raise the price of existing hardware is terrible for gaming and we hope everyone can see that. Unlike raising the price of a service, which is good.”

Xbox Series X has been $499.99 since it was released in November 2020; remaining the same price despite having no reason to change it is an impressive marketing strategy. Even people who have already purchased the console can feel relief knowing anyone else who is able to buy one at retail won’t be unfairly subjected to a higher price point. 

Those who thought the Xbox Series X was too expensive before are reportedly relieved as well, because even though it’s as expensive as it’s ever been, they are still just as unable to afford one as before.

“My broke ass couldn’t afford to buy a Xbox Series X and my Mom won’t buy me one. With this deal, I’m still too broke to get it and she still won’t buy me one,” said Aaron Mason, 12. “But now at least I know a higher price ain’t the problem, the same old price was high enough.”

And for those wanting a slightly different deal, the Xbox Series S has also remained the same price as it always has, a fact that has been ignored by nearly everyone, just like the system itself.

Real Life Fight Club Actually Requires Litany of Complex Rules and Regulations

Posted on by Camden Brazile

CLEVELAND — Participants of a local underground fight club were disheartened Monday morning when, unlike the David Fincher movie the club was inspired by, the organization actually required a litany of complex rules and regulations.

“The first rule of fight club is: do not talk about fight club,” began Fight Club leader Eric Cromwell. “The second rule is, if you’re new, see Stacy at the org booth, she’ll get your ID and club card made provided you pay the six dollar membership fee. If you lose your card, you’ll have to email either myself or our support line, and we can get you a new one, but you’ll have to pay the fee again. Also, you’ll have to attend the safety training seminar, we’re having one this Saturday, everyone say thank you to Brian for hosting that, thanks Brian, and once you complete that course you should be all set to fight. We’re passing around a waiver right now, if you could please sign that, also there’s another form with an emergency contact form and any medical issues we should know about, just get that into me by next meeting.”

“How many rules have I said? Seven?” he added. “OK let’s run through the rest of these quickly so we can get started with all the fighting.”

Fight club participant John Hammerschimdt gave his insight into the club’s actual fighting.

“It was brutal. A no-holds-barred exhibition or raw masculinity,” Hammerschmidt said of his fight. “Although beforehand, we had to go over the minutes from the last meeting. Then, we discussed match-ups and did weigh-ins to ensure a fair fight. After putting in our mouth guards and wrapping our wrists, of course. The fight itself was a bloodbath, although neither of us got knocked out, the judges decided I had scored the most points, so I guess I technically won. So raw.”

At press time, sources in the fight club noted that tensions had been raised when both of the leader’s two personalities were running for club treasurer against each other.

Next Call of Duty Game to Star Character Who Enlisted After Playing Too Much CoD

Posted on by Zack White

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Treyarch’s upcoming Call of Duty game, set to release in 2024, will cover the Iraq War and, according to close sources within the company, will feature a player character who enlisted in 2004 after playing too much Call of Duty.

“Call of Duty has always believed in portraying the realities of war,” claimed Bruce Head, chief writer of the project. “Whether it was the brutality of the Pacific Theater in WW2 or the Rock and Roll Music of Vietnam, we have never shied away from realism. So when we needed a character emblematic of the Iraq War, it was just natural that our player character decided to enlist at 3 a.m. after getting a 20 killstreak at a LAN party in 2003.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the upcoming game will not shy away from the stark difference between the expectations set by games like CoD and the reality of war, as leaked game dialogue from the character, Brayden Kinnill,  has shown.

“Hey fellas, IEDs have objective markers right? No? Are you sure? Huh, I don’t think this is going to go well,” Kinnill says in a leaked cut-scene. “Yo I think I just killed someone for real. Huh. Hopefully this doesn’t ruin my life.”

When pressured about the narrative choices of the game, Head defended Treyarch’s move.

“Shying away from history has never helped anyone. The fact is these events happened, and we feel the best way to honor all involved is an honest retelling of their story,” Head said. “And if that retelling can be jazzed up a little with shiny medals and achievements to rope enough people into doing this all over again, then it’s our duty as Americans to do so.”

At press time, a leak revealed that the upcoming Call of Duty game will be a live service game, with updates until the end of time, in an effort to capture the feeling of America’s real life forever-war.

10-Minute Standing Ovation Just Long Enough for Tom Hanks to Go Through Audience Members’ Bags

Posted on by Doug Kolic

VENICE, Italy — An extended 10-minute standing ovation at the 79th annual Venice International Film Festival was apparently all the time Hollywood A-lister Tom Hanks needed to totally ransack the place of audience members’ possessions.

“Old Hansky sure cleaned up!” stated a Swarovski-wearing Hanks running towards his waiting limo. “Normally I’m only able to snatch a few wallets and fedoras at these types of events, but here at Venice this year it’s been a bonanza! I scored a few iPhones and tablets during Brendan Fraser’s 6-minute ovation for ‘The Whale’ a couple days ago and then Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Son’ just received an even longer 10-minute standing O. Now Tommy is balls deep in phones, swag bags, and purses, one of which had $100,000 cash in it! Trust me these actors don’t need that money — it was probably headed up someone’s nose anyway.” 

“You know why they call me T-Hanks, right?” he added. “Because I’m constantly saying ‘thanks’ to all the suckers.”

The star of ‘The Son,’ Hugh Jackman, explained the feeling of being robbed during what should have been a career highlight.

“It happened so fast,” said Jackman after the show. “One second we were up, waving to our adoring fans, then the next moment we realized all our shit was gone, including a twenty I had in my back pocket. I looked around to see if I saw anyone suspicious, but the only person I saw leaving the theatre looked a lot like Tom Hanks, which was weird since he wasn’t even supposed to be here. Tom’s the best though, I hope he wasn’t robbed either.”

An anonymous Hollywood insider, fearful of reprisals from the ‘Forrest Gump’ star, explained how the actor has exploited his good-guy image to go undetected for years.

“The last person anyone would suspect of carrying out these bling rings is Tom Hanks, one of the most respected actors of our generation,” explained the unknown source. “From what I understand, he’s been chasing this dragon for years — from The Oscars, to The Emmys, and even The Razzies. Apparently when you’ve achieved all there as an actor, you need the next high. And in Tom’s case, that high is plundering Gucci handbags and Prada jackets from his unsuspecting peers at festivals and award shows. Having said that, have you seen him in ‘Sully?’ He was fantastic in that. I should really watch that again.”

At press time, Jackman’s co-star Laura Dern was still in tears for having her purse and the 100K donation she had inside for a local orphanage stolen, while Hanks was seen headed back into the festival when he heard of the 14-minute standing ovation for the Ana de Armas movie ‘Blonde.’ 

NBA 2K23: MyTeam Weekly Challenges & Tips (Week 1)

Posted on by Parker Johnson

MyTeam is one of the most popular modes in the NBA 2K franchise, with players always vying for the best cards to get ahead of friends and rivals alike. One of the best ways to gain new cards and currency is through single-player NBA 2K23‘s weekly MyTeam challenges. These update weekly, but the first week of the game brings the most new challenges to the game. Luckily, we have everything you need to know to take these challenges on for yourself and earn some great rewards to jump start your team.

NBA 2K23: MyTeam Skills Challenges (Fundamentals)

At launch, there are two categories of these skills challenges. The first of these are the “Basketball Fundamentals.” These are a set of 10 challenges, with different requirements for finishing than simply winning the game. These are meant to examine players success in different areas. So, players just play until meeting a required metric in different fundamental areas. They are each rewarded by a three-card pack containing shoe boosts and badges to augment each fundamental area. These are fairly simple challenges, and are definitely recommended for those who have never played an NBA 2K game, or even experienced players who want to get used to new mechanics in a low-stress challenge. Otherwise, the rewards are a bit underwhelming. Here are all ten Basketball Fundamentals challenges, and the requirements for completion:

  • Inside Scoring: Score 5 baskets off post moves with a single player.
  • Mid-Range Scoring: Score 5 made jump shots with a single player.
  • Three-Point Scoring: Make 5 three-pointers as a team.
  • Playmaking: Dish out 5 assists as a single player.
  • Perimeter Defense: Record 2 steals as a team.
  • Post Defense: Block 3 shots as a single player.
  • Rebounding: Get 8 rebounds as a single player.
  • Free Throw: Make 4 free throws as a team.
  • Athleticism: Slam 5 dunks as a team.
  • Basketball IQ: Win a game without turning the ball over. Sounds difficult, but the game’s quarters are each one minute long. Makes it much easier to keep possession!

NBA 2K23: MyTeam Skills Challenges (Limitless)

The other section of the Skills Challenges is themed around the first major collection for 2K23’s MyTeam: Limitless. These are much tougher than the Fundamentals, with Amethyst and Diamond players galore that will pose a challenge for players. However, the award for finishing these challenges is a Limitless Award Pack, which contains the same possible contents as a standard pack. Here are the three Limitless Challenges to complete before earning the Award pack:

  • Limitless Triple Threat: A Triple Threat game against three Amethyst Limitless players. First team to 21 points wins.
  • Limitless Threes!: The same as the first challenge. This time, though, against Diamond players instead of Amethyst. You also need to make 5 three-pointers as a player en route to this victory.
  • Limitless: A standard five-on-five game against a lineup of the best players in the Limitless collection, headlined by Diamond Steph Curry and Diamond Dominque Wilkins. However, it isn’t necessary to win the game. Simply score 30 points and you’ve completed the challenge.

NBA 2K’s Pick-Up Challenge

Another category of challenge is the pick-up challenge. This is a standard, 5-on-5 game on semi-pro difficulty. There’s a new reward to earn each day. It can be good for a quick way to earn some MT, but your time is almost always better spent in other challenges or even a totally different MyTeam mode.

NBA 2K23 MyTeam Challenges: Spotlight Challenge

Making up the bulk of the currently available challenges are the Spotlight Challenges. These challenges each highlight one of the award players earned by leveling up in Season 1 of MyTeam. These challenges increase in challenge as they go. In addition, most will require you to use the player in the spotlight. Because of this, these challenges will be available all throughout Season 1. Take your time making your way through them and earning rewards. Complete all of these challenges to earn 50 tokens, with plenty of other great rewards along the way.

Activity Challenge – NBA 2K23 Week 1

This week’s Spotlight Challenge pits your MyTeam against the Chicago Bulls team from Michael Jordan’s rookie season. Luckily, this is pre-Scottie Pippen in Chicago, so you shouldn’t have much trouble disposing of this team. The only real threat is Michael himself, who is a 91 overall in this challenge. Double team him and getting the win shouldn’t be a problem.

The other goal you have is to score more than 50 points. Depending on if you get a head start with promotional packs from pre-ordering or special editions, this facet of the challenge can be a bit harder. The best way to score in this challenge will be to get the ball in the paint and back down the defense. Jordan can put up a bit of a fight on the perimeter, but most of the interior defense you’ll encounter are pushovers.

As a reward for completing this challenge, you’ll get a Jordan Activity Challenge Award Pack. This pack contains helpful consumables, like shoe boosts that can be up to diamond. With these boosts being the reward, it’s definitely worth it to do this challenge

Weekly NBA 2K23 Challenges: Signature Challenge

Another MyTeam challenge centered around Michael Jordan, this one has a much harder opposition. A 96 overall team made of Jordan’s all-time starting five, legends like Magic Johnson and Hakeem Olajuwon will be your opponents. Especially early on in MyTeam, this team can pose a huge challenge.

If you have high overall Free Agent cards, whether from season agenda or the 2K23 pre-order bonuses, this is the time to use them. A rim protector like David Robinson will help your chances exponentially. Many of Jordan’s teammates rely on scoring in the paint. Keeping the interior strong will be your best chance to combat the onslaught from these Hall of Famers. Inversely, this is your best advantage. The starting five are the only members of the squad. Get them worn down in the first half, then use their low energy to push your own advantage in the paint. Complete this tough challenge and earn the Michael Jordan Signature Challenge Pack, with a Diamond Jordan Shoe, consumables, and a Hall of Fame Badge. After completing all of these challenges, you should have a formidable team ready to take on your friends or any online rivals!

Real Life Cerebro Keeps Track of Bryan Singer at All Times

Posted on by Naomi Krause

LOS ANGELES — A real life version of the Cerebro computer from the X-Men comic books and films has been revealed to the public, one that keeps track of problematic film director Bryan Singer at all times, sources have confirmed. 

“We wanted to see what this monster was up at every moment, so we stole a page out of the comic books and developed this tracker that can see where he is at any time,” said engineer Joseph Wendt, of the director who was fired from his most recent movie, 2018’s Bohemian Rhapsody. “I mean, most of the time he’s just at his house trying to get young actors to come over and give him a massage, but once in a while he ventures out in public, so obviously it’s best that we keep an eye on him.” 

The device is modeled after one the Charles Xavier character uses in the Marvel Comics to telepathically monitor and communicate with young teenagers reckoning with their newfound mutant powers. 

“That’s so cool that there’s a real Cerebro,” said Norm Thornton, a longtime comic book fan who was shocked to hear of the device’s existence. “I mean, it really sucks that there’s no such thing as superpowers but that there is definitely such a thing as connected Hollywood directors that prove themselves to be sexual deviants yet continue to work for years, so I totally understand why it’s a little different than in the comic books. I think it’s awesome.” 

Singer, who helmed several X-Men films before mounting allegations of sexual harassment and abuse led to him getting removed from the projects, hasn’t been doing very much in the public eye lately. 

“He’s been laying low, and that’s what scares me,” said Janet Aaron, a fellow engineer who has spent 20 hours a day in the Cerebro, keeping an eye on Bryan Singer. “He’s had sexual misconduct allegations as far back as when he made the movie Apt Pupil in 1997. He flew under the radar for decades, again, despite a lawsuit about him being a pervert like every couple of years, and we can’t make that mistake again. So we developed Cerebro. Magneto isn’t real, and the Juggernaut isn’t real, but sadly Bryan Singer is, and we have to keep an eye on a mind that twisted and evil.” 

As of press time, Kevin Spacey had broken into the lab and stolen the Cerebro machine, with many local citizens fearing he’s joined forces with Bryan Singer.

Couple Trying to Get Pregnant Holds Down B-Button Every Time They Cum

Posted on by Naomi Krause

VINITA, Okla. — A superstitious couple trying to get pregnant have reportedly brought a controller into the bedroom so that they can hold B during climaxes in an attempt to increase the odds of fertility, horrified sources close to them have confirmed. 

“Oh man, why would they try that, and why would they be telling us about this?” asked Anthony Plotch, a friend of the couple. “First of all, that doesn’t work, that’s just an old Pokémon myth everyone believed was true at some point in their lives. It didn’t actually even increase your chances of catching the Pokémon! I mean, come on. Wouldn’t it be commonly passed around information if that was all you had to do to grow your family? Let’s get real. Also, why would just pressing some button have some sort of bearing on what happens inside their genitals? These two are the true Game Freaks.” 

“What they should be trying to do is the cloning glitch,” Plotch said. “That shit worked for real.”

Despite the pleas from friends and family members, the couple has insisted that they will continue the practice. 

“Okay, we don’t know if it works, but nobody is saying it hurts our chances,” said Jason Carter, of he and wife Ruth’s lovemaking ritual which includes bringing a vintage Game Boy into the action so that one or both are able to hold the B button down whilst the unprotected sex act is culminated. “We both just grew up thinking that was the way it’s done, so that’s the way we’re gonna do it. You don’t see me telling people how to get pregnant or use their Game Boys, so maybe get off of my case.” 

At press time, the couple was reportedly scared after using a series of glitches to try to improve the chances of pregnancy due to the possibility of birthing Missingno.