PORTLAND, Maine — Local loner Darin Youseman’s story about a date he went on with his boyfriend last Friday was quickly determined by witnesses to actually be about Yuuya Sakazaki, a flirty upperclassman and fantail pigeon from the visual novel series Hatoful Boyfriend.
“He’s an experienced world traveler, stably employed… I think his allegiance to the pacifists in the Dove Party is a little centrist and naive, but hold on hold on — mmmm, mrom, dish ish rullhy good,” Youseman reportedly said, eating an enormous mouthful of his mother’s meatloaf to avoid having to elaborate. “Mmmm, anyway, he’s got these gleaming pink… lips, you know, and the most gorgeous soft snow-white… uh, skin? Skin, yeah.”
Youseman’s parents, who weren’t fooled by this ruse, lament that this is not the first time their son has framed a video game route as a romantic encounter.
“Your father wanted me to trust you when you told us about that the nice green tiger-boy whose book you got published, or that girl who paints murals with her feet,” Mrs. Youseman said, recalling her son’s playthroughs of Amorous and Katawa Shoujo. “But when you said that thing about Yuuya blowing holes in the side of a tank with an anti-materiel rifle, well, that got us concerned, honey. Are you still speaking with that young lady from the literature club? Your grandmother liked her a lot.”
Undeterred, Youseman reportedly kept up the lie, and bragged about landing Yuuya to his friends the following day.
“Darin, this guy sounds like toootal husband material,” his former high school classmate Cristina Holmes said in clueless awe. “Cute little glasses, secure enough in his gender to work in a maid cafe, and he took a lethal dose of poison to save his brother’s life from a political assassination? Brian would never do that for me. You got one of the good ones.”
At press time, Youseman had reportedly gotten to the end of Yuuya’s route and decided it was easier to come clean than admit he had been tricked into eating his boyfriend.