Buddha Quietly Shuffles Dalai Lama to New Plane of Existence

Posted on by Camden Brazile

DHARAMSALA — In the wake of a controversial video featuring the Dalai Lama with a young boy, religious teacher The Buddha has decided to quietly shuffle the spiritual leader to another plane of existence.

“The Dalai Lama has clearly gone a bit astray, so after much thought I have decided it would be best if he spent some time in a different plane of metaphysical existence going forward,” said Siddhartha Gautama, also known as The Buddha, from his eternal residence beyond the cycle of death and rebirth. “Incidents with young boys happen often with spiritual men, but this one is a real doozy — instead of just moving him to another area or monastery, he’ll be secretly shifted to the plane of hungry ghosts until this whole thing blows over.”

The Dalai Lama was reportedly not happy with his reassignment.

“You ask one little boy to suck your tongue and all of a sudden you’re being shunted down to the infernal plane,” the Dalai Lama said. “I wish I was Catholic, then I would just get sent to another part of the country and get some new boys in my circle, but now the boss is entrapping my spirit in an unimaginable Hell until my soul attones. It should be alright though, I’m sure there’s plenty of nine year-old spirits down there for my life essence to mingle with.”

At press time, High Lamas in charge of finding the next reincarnation of the Dalai Lama announced that they were looking for young boys who wouldn’t “fuck up so goddamn much” this time around.

Professor X Supplements School Budget by Projecting Arby’s Ads Into Students’ Brains

Posted on by Naomi Krause

SALEM CENTER, N.Y.  — Citing state budget cuts and low enrollment, founder of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters Charles Xavier has begun beaming Arby’s ads directly into students’ brains.

“We’re facing a funding issue across all fields, we had no choice but to take a corporate sponsor,” Professor Xavier said. “Arby’s was kind enough to step in and provide new textbooks and sports equipment in exchange for every student’s thoughts to be preempted by a 30-second video touting Arby’s new Beef and Cheese Delight sandwich thanks to my telekinetic mutation.”

Future superheroes attending the school have mixed feelings about the mental advertisements.

“Look, I love this school, and I’d do anything to keep it open for misunderstood kids like myself, but I was flying through the air at 121 miles an hour trying to think of how to adjust my body to land when suddenly my mind shut off completely to show me the new price drop of a roast beef sandwich,” said X-Man team member Angel. “It’s nice that we have this new school supplies thanks to the fast food chain, but on the other hand, most of my dreams are now Arby’s related.”

Arby’s CEO Paul Brown claimed every mutant would eventually be given a role in furthering Arby’s mission. 

“Arby’s is proud to be a primary sponsor of the premiere superhero training schools,” Brown said. “We plan on figuring out a way that each legendary X-Man can serve the Arby’s brand. From having Gambit whip kinetically-charged Meat Mountains at evildoers to utilizing Wolverine’s adamantium claws to slice juicy, razor-thin roast beef for sandwiches, we believe everyone has an important part to play.”

At press time, sources reported that Arby’s was gearing up to ink another lucrative sponsorship with the X-Men, using Professor Xavier’s Cerebro machine to project an Arby’s video into every mind in the nation during next year’s Super Bowl.

Discord User Getting Way Too Personal in #general Right Now

Posted on by Ryan Sims

PHILADELPHIA — Chatters in a local Discord server were subjected to severe social discomfort as user Aaron99 poured his heart out to whoever would listen in the #general channel. 

“I know the server is mainly for indie games, but I don’t see why I couldn’t talk about my problems, too. I’ve been going through a lot lately,” explained the disgruntled Aaron99 via voice chat. “My girlfriend is really pissed at me for spending too much time gaming, even though I keep telling her that indie games are the future of art. Now, she says she doesn’t see a future with me. I asked #general for help, but no one noticed my messages, so I tried posting screenshots of our text conversations to get more eyes on them. Well, everyone completely freaked out at that. Guess this community isn’t so ‘supportive’ after all.”

There were early attempts at making Aaron99 stop, with many users jumping in with random topics to change the subject. Other users posted large jpgs — anything to drown out the awkward written monologue taking place in #general. Eventually, a moderator had to step in.

“First, I tried redirecting him to #venting. I mean, we literally have a channel for this kind of thing. As a mod, I am filled with white hot rage when people don’t post in the right channel. People like Aaron keep me up at night,” wrote longtime Discord moderator Jetta23. “You put all this work into your channel list, and then everyone just posts everything in #general or #off-topic. Which I also tried redirecting him to. Eventually, I had no choice but to time him out for a week. Mind you, he’s not a first offender. He once posted The Last of Us spoilers without a spoiler tag, and then there was that time he broke our streak in #counting. I think he did it on purpose for attention. Some people just can’t be helped.”

Aaron insisted, however, that these misdemeanors were honest mistakes.

“I didn’t break that streak on purpose. I was busy watching porn and had #counting up on my other monitor. I guess I just got distracted. It was a pretty hot scene. That’s another thing my girlfriend gets on me about. She says the porn I watch sets unrealistic expectations of what sex is actually like. I don’t think so, it’s all pretty tame stuff. I just think if she really tried, she would be able to—” said Aaron, before being abruptly banned for breaking Discord’s terms of service.

At time of reporting, the Discord server had returned to normalcy, with users in #general excitedly talking about indie games no one else has heard of, and asking if anyone wants to get on Deep Rock Galactic right now.

8 Ways Elon Musk Plans to Improve Twitter

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Is Twitter getting worse and worse every day? It sure feels like it, these days. But if you’re worried the site is destined to fall apart, fear not! Twitter’s CEO Elon Musk — who purchased the website for $44 billion last year and has lost half of its value since then — is working tirelessly to keep it alive. Here are 8 ways that Elon Musk plans to improve Twitter.

#8 — No water allowed on Twitter premises

#7 — Everyone has to give him $30

#6 — Tweeting “Twitter is thriving” twice a week

#5 — Writing “Twitter = Money” on the Company Whiteboard

#4 — Going bankrupt

#3 — Collaborating with foreign royalty

#2 — Firing everyone at once

#1 — Free hugs for all advertisers

Call of Duty Warzone 2 DMZ REDACTED Faction Missions Guide

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

A new, fifth faction known as REDACTED has been added to the roster in Season 3 of Call of Duty: Warzone 2 DMZ. The highly secretive group centers its objectives around stealth kills, but also on guiding players through the other new features introduced this season, such as Contraband Workbenches, Secure Backpacks, and Secure Supplies Contracts. Read on to find out more about the new DMZ REDACTED faction missions.

REDACTED DMZ Faction Missions in Warzone 2 Season 3

All REDACTED faction missions in Warzone 2 DMZ.

Mission Task Reward
Tier 1    
Upgraded Arsenal
  • Attach a suppressor onto a weapon at a workbench
  • Kill 9 cartel or AQ soldiers with a suppressed weapon
  • Extract with 2 suppressed weapons in one deployment
  • Crane Control Room Key
  • +5000 XP
Dealmaker
  • Store and Electric Drill, a Gas Can, and a Golden Skull in your backpack at the same time
  • Trade for a Secure Backpack at a buy station
  • RAAL MG Contraband Weapon
  • +5000 XP
Cartel Investigation
  • Locate the cartel in Al Mazrah
  • Kill 5 cartel soldiers
  • Find and extract 2 large Contraband Packages
  • Double XP Token
  • +5000 XP
Well Supplied Soldier
  • Acquire a Secure Supplies Contract
  • Complete a Secure Supplies Contract in 2:30 minutes
  • Bryson 800 Contraband Weapon
  • +5000 XP
Calling Card
  • Find and extract 3 Scavenger calling cards
  • Kill the Scavenger
  • Sawah Hotel Room 302 Key (Rare)
  • +5000 XP
Unstoppable Force
  • Destroy 3 vehicles by having the train collide with them
  • X12 Contraband Weapon
  • +5000 XP
Zero Tolerance Unlocked upon completing five of the six Tier 1 REDACTED Missions  
Tier 2 LOCKED LOCKED

Check back here in the coming days for the tasks and rewards for Tiers 2 and 3 as they are unlocked. The DMZ community will have to wait a bit longer for Tiers 4 and 5, which will only be released in a mid-season update.

Need to check up on the Faction Missions for the previous seasons? Check out our guide for that right here.

GTA Online Best Motorcycle Guide: GTA 5 Fastest Motorcycles

Posted on by Noah Hunter

Motorcycles are just one of the many ways you can transport yourself across the vast world of GTA Online. When looking at each of the shops on the storefront, it can be challenging to decide which motorcycle would be best for you. There are plenty that excel in speed, while other excel with mobility and defense. Depending on what you’re looking for, there are even motorcycles that aren’t worth a purchase at all. Since there are so many to choose from, we’ve lined up the best motorcycles money can buy in GTA Online!

Shotaro – Best Motorcycles GTA Online

The Shotaro, one of the GTA Online's best motorcycles.

Ever wanted to ride around in style with one of the bikes from Tron? Now you can! The Shotaro is basically the legendary light cycle from Tron, so you can now speed around GTA Online with one of the most iconic vehicles of all time. While it might not be the fastest or have any meaningful abilities, the striking design of the Shotaro is too good to pass up. The motorcycle actually lights up when you drive it, and you can also purchase a matching outfit to match your vehicle! You’ll be sure to turn heads as you race down the streets of Los Santos.

Hakuchou Drag

The Hakuchou Drag is one of the fastest motorcycles available in GTA Online. The price for this vehicle is just under $1,000,000, however, that price is more than justified when looking at what this bike offers. For time trials, the Drag is a perfect choice to race past all of your competitors. There are multiple upgrades available to increase the performance of this motorcycle, however, those will cost you as they are not cheap at all. If you use the Hakuchou Drag in plenty of races around the map, you could be looking at a nice payout each week.

Oppressor – Fastest Motorcycles in GTA Online

The Oppressor Mk I is, simply put, one of the fastest motorcycles available in GTA Online. Its speeds easily tops almost all of its competition, even that of the Oppressor Mk II. The neat feature with the Oppressor is the ability to fly and use a boost to gain height. The motorcycle has wings on the back of it that allow it to glide through the air. Additionally, this motorcycle has homing missiles that you can use against any aerial or ground vehicles. While this is a great option for those looking for a sweet deal, we wouldn’t recommend purchasing this motorcycle over the upgraded model, the Oppressor Mk II, as it is better than the original model in plenty of ways.

Western Reever

The Western Reever has the fastest speed out of any motorcycle in GTA Online. Additionally, the acceleration is also the fastest, meaning you’ll be able to speed ahead of any threats in a heartbeat. If you end up buying this motorcycle, be sure to tune it up and upgrade some of its features to increase the traction. You’ll want to do this as it doesn’t handle as smoothly as some of the other motorcycles on the list. For a whopping $1,900,000, you can purchase the blazing fast Reever at Legendary Motorsport.

Oppressor Mk II – GTA Online Best Motorcycle

The Oppressor Mk II is the go-to motorcycle for plenty of players in GTA Online. This vehicle is even the standard over plenty of cars, which says a lot about its abilities. It builds upon the original Oppressor, adding the ability to fully hover and fly in the air at all times without ever having to touch the ground. This can be game changing if you’re looking to fight other players or complete various missions throughout Los Santos. Also, it has flares and smoke that can deter missiles if you ever find yourself in a sticky situation. Overall, this is the best motorcycle you can purchase in GTA Online by far.

Looking for more of the best features of GTA Online? Check out the following guides!

GTA Online Best Helicopter Guide: GTA V Best Helicopters 2023

Posted on by Noah Hunter

In GTA Online, there are countless different helicopters that you can either unlock or purchase. Only selecting one of these can be quite challenging, especially as they vary in speed, reliability, and weapons. These sorts of things are extremely important whether you’re completing missions, attacking enemies in your lobby, or anything of the sort. With so many options to choose from, we’ve narrowed down the best helicopters money can buy in GTA Online.

There are two separate places you can purchase helicopters in GTA Online. The first is Warstock Carry & Cache, which has helis that are armored and ready to attack the air space. These will be loaded with machine guns, missiles, and things of that nature. The other options is the Elitas Travel storefront, where your standard and luxurious rides await. While these might not have weapons, speed will be a main focus here. Helicopters from both of these stores are included below, so choose the best one for your situation!

GTA Online Best Helicopters: Savage

The Savage is a great upper middle ground attack helicopter that comes equipped with plenty of weaponry. While it isn’t too cheap at $2,600,000, it has both homing missiles and explosive guns. These cam come in extremely handy in battle, especially if you utilize the hover mode that is available with this chopper. This will allow you to hover in place and fire on enemies either below or in the air around you, which gives you a huge advantage overall in the airspace.

Volatus

One of the best helicopters in GTA Online, the Volatus.

If you’re looking for luxury, look no further than the Volatus. This is the nicest helicopter you can buy in GTA Online, as it operates as one of the fastest helis in the game. Additionally, it has a very sleek design that anyone in your online lobby would be jealous of. If you’re looking to take it into battle though, you might want to look somewhere else as the Volatus does not have any weaponry or armor onboard. However, if you’re just looking to fuel your inner CEO, this is the perfect helicopter for you in GTA Online.

Sparrow

The Sparrow is a helicopter that will require an additional purchase, however, it comes in so much use when working on multiple heists. It only will cost you $1,800,000, however, you will also need to have the Submarine purchased for this to be available for purchase. Once it is though, you will have the ability to utilize the Sparrow on the Cayo Perico Heist, which will grant you the ability to rotate in and out of the island much quicker than any boat could. While it might not be the best helicopter for roaming around the world of GTA Online, it does have a great use for the Cayo Perico Heist that earns you plenty of cash.

Akula

If you’re looking to spend big bucks on the best armored helicopter in the game, then the Akula is the perfect helicopter for you. This $3,700,000 heli is the best pick for anyone looking to be best equipped for fighting. Equipped with a massive amount of armor, it will take a lot to get this helicopter to fall to the ground. Additionally, one of the exclusive features for this heli is the ability to utilize a stealth mode, which removes yourself from the map. Normally, players will be able to see a helicopter or plane icon if you’re flying, however, this vehicle has the ability to cloak yourself, so others won’t be able to spot you.

Buzzard – Best Helicopter in GTA Online

The Buzzard, the best helicopter in GTA Online.

The Buzzard is the most convenient and best overall helicopter available to purchase in GTA Online. One of the main reasons why it is so high on this list is that it can spawn in incredibly fast compared to any other helicopter on this list. If you register as a CEO, you will be able to immediately spawn in a Buzzard to your location. This ability has come in incredibly handy too many times to count, especially considering the Buzzard is armed. On the chopper, you have access to both machine guns and homing missiles, which makes for the perfect counter to pesky other players in your online lobby. At the $1,700,000 price tag, this helicopter in GTA Online is more than worth it for the perks.

Looking for more of the best features of GTA Online? Check out the following guides!

GTA Online Best Nightclub Guide: GTA 5 Best Nightclub Locations

Posted on by Noah Hunter

Nightclubs can offer you a nice and steady source of income in GTA Online. The greatest feature of the nightclub is that it earns passive, which means you don’t actually have to be present at the location to be earning money. You could be working on Heists, flying a plane, or even gambling at the Diamond Casino and it will still earn money passively. There are a total of ten different nightclubs you can purchase around the map, but which ones are best? We’ve got you covered with the GTA Online nightclubs that are worth your hard-earned cash.

Del Perro Nightclub

The Del Perro Nightclub is a great option if you’re looking for a nightclub with optimal location. Priced at $1,645,000, this property has everything you inside a sleek building. For starters, you are able to hold up to 36 different vehicles in this nightclub, which is a huge plus if you’re someone who has a ton of different cars. Additionally, it is close to the West side of the map. This can be super handy if you’ve got either a Bunker, Hangar, or Facility.

West Vinewood Nightclub (Best Nightclub Locations GTA Online)

The West Vinewood Nightclub has one of the best locations in the entire game. At $1,700,000, this is a property that you’ll need quite a bit of cash to invest in. The exterior of this club has beautiful artwork in the form of a mural, which is something that the other nightclubs don’t have. Additionally, you are located at the very north of the city. This is right by the Diamond Casino and puts you right about in the center of the entirety of Los Santos.

Los Santos International Airport Nightclub

This nightclub can be extremely convenient if you’re a frequent flyer. Located at Los Santos International Airport, this property might not be the prettiest, but the location is extremely easy to get to. This is a property you can expect to earn you a nice chunk of passive income, especially if you upgrade it and regularly drop by. This nightclub is priced at $1,135,000, which again, is cheap compared to the other locations on this list.

Strawberry Nightclub

Depending on where your other businesses are located, the Strawberry nightclub might be the best GTA Online nightclub option out of all of the nightclubs in this list. It is right next to one of the main highways in the game, which means easy access to obtain all of the cash in the safe. You can expect this location to cost you though, as this will be priced at $1,525,000. If you don’t have any businesses near this location, it might be best to skip on this one.

Downtown Vinewood – Best GTA Online Nightclub Location

Downtown Vinewood, the GTA Online best nightclub location.

The Downtown Vinewood location is another great option for those looking for optimal nightclubs. It is priced at $1,670,000 on Maze Bank Foreclosure, which is right around the top end of the available nightclubs in GTA Online. If you’re deciding between the West Vinewood and Downtown Vinewood locations, make sure to think about what properties you have around the map. Downtown Vinewood is placed a bit more to the east. When traveling quickly between businesses, even little distances like this can matter to some, so do be sure to pick whichever you feel is best for you. Like the others on this list, Downtown Vinewood also has the ability to store 36 cars in its garage.

Looking for more of the best features of GTA Online? Check out the following guides!

Out-of-Breath Princess Zelda Returns to Dinner Date With Half of Sheik Costume Still On

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

HYRULE CASTLE TOWN — Multiple sources have confirmed that Princess Zelda was seen rejoining her date at a local restaurant while still wearing multiple items of clothing usually associated with the mysterious figure known as Sheik.

“It was the fourth or fifth time that she had excused herself since we ordered drinks,” said Mido Linebeck, the princess’s neglected date. “Every time she came back, she was a bit more disheveled. At first, her hair was just a little mussed up, but by the last time, she had a weird bandana and arm wraps on. She even started trying to tell me how to play an ocarina song before catching herself and stopping, like she had forgotten who she was talking to. One time, she didn’t even bother walking away when she left the table. She just took a few steps back, threw a firecracker at the ground, and vanished in a flash of light. It’s pretty clear she’s seeing someone else.”

The restaurant’s wait staff were likewise puzzled by Zelda’s odd behavior.

“When I saw the princess walking away from the table, I noticed she was going in the wrong direction,” said Talon Barten, the restaurant’s dairy sommelier. “I tried to point her to the powder room, but she waved me off and continued on toward the back exit. I have no idea why she would use that door, as it opens into a disused alley. I guess technically there’s a bunch of shortcuts to all the temples in Hyrule back there, but I can’t imagine what use those would be to a member of the royal family.”

The princess refuted accusations that her actions were suspicious, insisting that there was a logical explanation for everything that had occurred.

“Armwraps? Bandana?” said a bedraggled Zelda. “No, he was mistaken. I had simply returned from the restroom, and some toilet paper must have gotten stuck to my arms and head. And in case anyone asks, this isn’t the Crest of the Sheikah on my chest. I was touching up my makeup and accidentally dropped my lipstick. It rolled down my dress and made these random markings which coincidentally look exactly like the Sheikah Eye.”

At press time, sources at the restaurant reported that Princess Zelda had left the premises holding a quiver of Light Arrows while mumbling something about hating speedrunners.

Good Movie From Six Months Ago Real Piece of Shit These Days

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A movie released to critical and audience acclaim just six months ago is actually be quite bad, recently discovered opinions have shown. 

“Overrated piece of trash,” said local cinephile Charlie Donahue, about The Cupboard, the popular film in question. “When I thought it was a well paced character study with a good sense of humor and several standout performances, that was before people exactly like me spent months talking it up  Now I’m really sick of hearing about it, and ever since it became a popular pick to win some awards, I see that The Cupboard is actually a terribly paced movie with insulting characters and an awful sense of humor. What was wrong with me when I saw it last fall and thought I liked it?” 

The evolution of the reaction to the film has confused the film’s author. 

“I guess you take the good with the bad,” said Ed Bell, the young writer and director of The Cupboard. “When we premiered at Cannes last year and got a 20-minute standing ovation, I was like ‘Cool,’ but felt like it was a little much. Now that we’ve received some positive buzz, people are saying I made the worst movie in decades and don’t deserve a career after this, and well, that feels like a little much also. What I don’t understand is that it’s the same exact movie! I get where TV shows can change over time and alienate their fans, but this is the same two hours people loved until a bunch of other people saw it. It’s so weird. I’m gonna try to direct some commercials or something after this, I think.” 

Meanwhile, critics stood by their initial positive evaluation of the film. 

“I still think it’s good,” said film reviewer Jamie Whelan, who posted a glowing review of The Cupboard when it was released last October. “But I haven’t really participated in the discourse around it, like all of the people that seem to dislike it have been. Maybe if they stopped making memes about it they could be a little less hung up on it. Mix it up! Go listen to a band you hate or something!” 

As of press time, The Cupboard had been nominated for five Razzie Awards, causing many of its detractors to change their position and defend the film from the cynical and pretentious ceremony.