New Super Nintendo World Area Offers Authentic Mario Experience of Being Beaten to Death By Large Ape

OSAKA, Japan — In an announcement from Nintendo this morning, the game company officially opened a brand new area of the Mario-themed theme park Super Nintendo World in which visitors can have the authentic Mario experience of being beaten to death by a large ape. 

“We’re ecstatic to open this brand new Super Nintendo World pavilion, where finally park attendees can be mauled by a giant gorilla just like their favorite video game plumber,” said Super Nintendo World designer Kim Frembley. “After enjoying a delicious meal at Toad’s Cafe or racing their friends on the Mario Kart track, visitors can queue up to have their face just completely torn off by a gorilla we have trained to hate the sight of human flesh.”

Nintendo World Visitors have already taken to the new Mario pavilion. 

“The park is surprisingly accurate and thorough, all the coins everywhere, the giant warp pipes, the loose ape that ripped my cousin’s arms clean off killing him instantly,” said park attendee Eric Falmheim. “The new ape attraction is really cool, and though it’s crowded right now, if you go at the right time you can skip the line and go straight into the ape’s grappling range. It’s a bit pricey, definitely more expensive than just getting murdered by an ape at home, but hey, I’m on vacation.”

At press time, sources reported Nintendo would be implementing a similar Mario-themed attraction, letting park visitors slowly squish a turtle to death under their boot. 

Everything We Know So Far About SEGA Buying Rovio

SEGA surprised many last week by purchasing Finnish mobile game studio Rovio for 775 million dollars. What does this mean for the future of these two companies? Here’s everything we know so far:

Video game adaptations of hit films like Sonic the Hedgehog and The Angry Birds Movie 2 are expected soon 

SEGA has hinted that these popular cinematic characters might have a whole new world of adventure waiting for them on our home consoles! 

SEGA still wants to keep up with Nintendo 

Many believe that SEGA saw all of those terrible, money-grabbing, reputation-tarnishing mobile Mario games and wanted in on the action. 

Longtime SEGA fans have welcomed the additions to their group of beloved characters 

Google “(Your name) the pregnant angry bird” if you don’t believe us!

 

SEGA will be now able to develop games featuring Rovio IP 

An Angry Birds game will soon be available on the Sega Saturn for the first time, among other systems. 

SEGA is expected to make similar offers to other mobile gaming giants as well 

Rumors are circulating that SEGA offered to give the guy that made Flappy Bird 50 bucks. He’s reportedly preparing a counteroffer.

Movie Earns $120 Million Domestically, $362 Million Globally, and a Suspicious $7 Galactically

LOS ANGELES — Leaving astrophysicists scratching their heads, box office analyst Kevin Thurman, 27, found that a movie’s opening weekend had earned not only $120 million domestically and $362 million globally, but also a suspicious $7 from beyond the reaches of our cosmos.

“Alright guys, we’ve got some impressive domestic numbers, global sales are looking great too — wait a second, what’s this?” said Thurman, staring in disbelief as a mysterious number appeared on his screen. “Seven dollars from an extraterrestrial box office beyond our comprehension? This has to be some type of glitch…but no it seems legit. Well, I guess in some ways this is good news. We finally have a whole new market to cater to entirely. Let’s get those numbers up!”

After verifying the number is real and not resultant of a glitch, NASA president Bill Nelson held an impromptu press conference.

“Billions of dollars, and decades of research just to be beaten by some kid on Box Office Mojo!” exclaimed Nelson, tears streaming down his face. “This is unfair! I’ve dedicated my entire life to finding signs of extraterrestrial life, and he’s handed evidence on a silver platter? I can’t believe such a cruel world exists. But I won’t give up. Tomorrow, I am embarking on a solo cosmic mission to uncover the truth behind this phenomenon. Mark my words, the name Bill Nelson will be forever etched in history, and that Thurman kid will be forgotten.”

A cryptic message believed to have been sent by the extraterrestrial movie-goer has reportedly been deciphered by language expert, Mariam Bauer.

“When I first saw the message, I was flabbergasted,” said Bauer. “The symbols were unlike anything I had seen before. However, after extensive analysis of the syntax using cutting-edge translation software, I can confirm that I’ve successfully decoded the message whose celestial simplicity moved me to tears. It reads, ‘that movie sucked ass lol.’”

At press time, NASA was reportedly in conversation with actor Adam Sandler to reach a deal to make seven exclusive films to be sent to the extraterrestrial being.

Everything We Know About the Next Nintendo System

The Nintendo Switch turns six this year, and gamers are clamoring for information about the company’s follow-up, but Nintendo has remained predictably secretive about its next hardware. We’ve wrapped up what little confirmed information about the system is available below! 

We’ll likely be sued just for speculating about it

Honestly, by the time you’re done with this engaging and hilarious piece of content, Nintendo’s probably gonna have my ass in the clink. It’s been real.

They’re only taking their time because they haven’t had two consecutive successful console launches since the 90s.

That is what my Uncle told me

Luigi is holding out for more money, might pursue free agency

For the first time in years, Luigi and Nintendo have failed to come to terms on a new contract as the current one is set to expire. Heavily rumored favorites to land the coveted mascot include XBox, Monster Energy Drink, and The Olive Garden

Shigeru Miyamoto is making it himself, in his garage, like always

Nintendo is standing by and ready to mass produce the new console as soon as Miyamoto reveals his latest design. Sometimes this process takes months, sometimes years. Once, he took too much cold medicine and came up with the Virtual Boy

You will definitely be able to buy Super Mario World on it

Honestly, can’t wait!

Pokémon

Pokémon will be on there. Not bad, huh?

 

It MIGHT be in HD

While heavily rumored, it’s still far too early to say for sure on this one. 

Will have the smallest physical games yet

Nintendo is continuing its baffling insistence on this trend, and believes it can get the size of the Switch successor’s cartridges down so far as to not be seen by the naked eye. Another classic Nintendo innovation!

Everything We Know About The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Breath of the Wild 2, or as Nintendo insists on calling it, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, is set to take the gaming world by storm. But what if you can’t wait until the game comes out next month to learn all of its secrets? What if you need those secrets RIGHT NOW? Well here’s every single thing we know about The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.

How many collectibles will the game have?

Three.

How much will the game cost?

About 230 hours of your precious life.

Will Ganondorf be in the game?

Nintendo has continued their partnership with the dark lord of Hyrule despite recent controversy with his Tweets about Gerudo masculinity.

Is it a direct sequel?

Nintendo has confirmed the game will pick up exactly where Call of Duty Black Ops left off.

What is the game about?

Sexy elf boy make the bad guys go bye-bye.

What peripherals does the game support?

Tears of the Kingdom will be best played with a bong and a two-liter of cherry Pepsi.

Will Kevin Hart be in the game?

No. Kind of weird we even need to confirm this.

How does the game reflect modern gaming trends?

By ripping off Breath of the Wild

When will the game be released?

Right when you’re at your brokest.

Man Goes on Fishing Minigame With His Son

SEASIDE TOWN — Local man Tarik Morgbrine reportedly went on a fishing minigame with his son Gnosh, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We’ve all got main quests and side quests in this life, but sometimes it’s important to put all those aside and spend some time doing a little fishing minigame with your boy,” Morgbrine explained. “This crucial bonding time helps increase our support levels, which in turn, gives me more points in charisma and boosts any magical items I use in combat. Also it’s probably good for my son’s progression too. Plus, fishing is fun!”

According to close sources, Gnosh Morgbine also enjoys the bonding time with his father.

“I can sometimes tell that he’s just trying to increase certain stats or cook a fish to win in a contest or something, but it’s nice to spend time with my father,” the younger Morgbine said. “I just wish fishing was easier. People always talk about how it’s a nice relaxing time to hang out on a boat or a shore and chat while having an ale, but I find fishing super stressful. There’s all these meters and red areas and green areas you have to reel at the right second… it’s like a whole thing. But it’s nice to see the word EXCELLENT pop up when I do a good job. It’s very validating.”

At press time, Morgbrine left his son to go off killing low level goblins in the woods for several months without telling anyone.

Dead Island 2 Curtis’ Valuables Safe Guide: How to Open the Safe

Every location in Dead Island 2 has locked away secrets and quite a few will be tantalizing players within the starting area of Bel-Air. One in particular that will be found early on is a safe in Curtis Sinclair’s house. We’ve got you covered with where to find Curtis’ Safe Key and what’s inside Curtis’ Valuables safe itself.

Where is Curtis’ Valuables Safe?

If you’ve come across Curtis’ Valuable Safe in Dead Island 2 before, it should be marked with a lockbox icon over Curtis’ house. We highly recommend setting a waypoint to it, either through the map itself or by using Alexa Game Control. It’s alright if you haven’t, though, since the house isn’t too big anyway.

The safe can be found in a small wine cellar on the right side of his house. Whether you enter through the back right or right side entrances, it only takes a few steps forward before finding it. If you enter through the front door, all you need to remember is to hang left and you’ll see it in no time.

Where is Curtis’ Safe Key in Dead Island 2?

Not unlike other locked safes, there’s a good chance you will find the safe early on as you comb through Bel-Air with your Dead Island 2 character of choice. Unfortunately, Curtis doesn’t have the key and the person-turned-zombie that does won’t be spawning for a while.

The first requisite to open Curtis’ Safe in Dead Island 2 is to have completed The Death of The Party side quest that introduces you to Curtis and allows you access to his house. This side quest is the first you can complete and becomes available the first time you leave Emma Jaunt’s home. The second requisite is to have completed the Justifiable Zombicide main quest which marks the first time you fight a Screamer Apex zombie.

After you’ve completed these two quests, return to his home and head through his backyard. This area has become a hot spot for Screamers so it’s best to kill them quickly before they can summon and enrage other zombies into attacking you. Fight your way through until you reach the separate building on the left side. The location can be seen on the map image above while in-game it will have a small “Guest Restrooms” sign in front of it.

Defeat Crystal the Lawyer to get Dead Island 2's Curtis Safe Key.

Waiting inside is a special Screamer called Crystal the Lawyer. She’s not as strong as the boss from the Justifiable Zombicide quest, but she still has more health than a typical Screamer and that means she’ll have more opportunities to send your zombies your way.

There isn’t a lot of room inside the building, so try to lure her outside. It’s worth noting that the nearby heaters are explosive and make for great traps. Otherwise, do your absolute best to keep her from screaming. Most curveballs will stun her out of the animation if you see it about to happen.

This fight can become increasingly hectic if you don’t kill her fast. Aside from worrying about her bringing in zombies, this area is still a hotspot for Screamers and they can spawn in the area as you’re fighting. Two of them mean a potentially much bigger horde to fight which might even include other Apex zombies. Considering using any and all firearms you have to quickly put her down. If you’ve progressed a bit further and have unlocked Fury Mode, you can use that to make short work of everything.

She’ll drop Curtis’ Safe Key once you’ve slayed her. Return back to the safe and open it to find a Tactical Heavy Revolver. Although it will match your player level, it’s sure to pack a punch no matter what.

Follow these tips and you’ll have found Curtis’ Safe Key in Dead Island 2 and opened his safe in no time. If the location of any other keys in Dead Island 2 has you stumped, check out our guides on finding Coach’s Car Keys and the Military Supplies Key.

Dead Island 2 Military Supplies Case & Key Guide: Where to Find

A zombie outbreak is bound to leave a lot of locked stuff behind and Dead Island 2 uses that as a basis for hiding special loot. Finding the necessary keys can be tricky for some, but a few are certainly on the easier side. This guide will cover where to find the Military Supplies Key in Dead Island 2 and open up the Militaries Supplies Case.

Where is the Military Supplies Case?

Where to find the Dead Island 2 Military Supplies Case.

When you first enter the Halperin Hotel location, there’s a good chance you’ll come across the locked yellow Military Supplies Case. It’ll be on the right side and located in the bed of a military truck. If you happened to miss it entirely, the location can be seen in the image above. It’s on the north side of Lacuna Av and close to both a workbench and the zone exit leading back to Bel-Air.

Where is the Military Supplies Key in Dead Island 2?

Defeat the Drill Sergeant in Dead Island 2 to open the Military Supplies Case.

Similar to Coach’s Car Trunk, the zombie with the necessary key won’t spawn until you progress further into the story. Ignore the case for now and venture into the hotel. Finish all of the quest objectives in there, including the Becki the Bride boss fight that introduces you to the Crusher Apex zombie. On your way back out you’ll find that Crushers are now spawning into the overworld and one special version named Drill Sergeant will appear in the middle of Lacuna Av.

You’ll need to kill this particular zombie to get what you need. They’re not as strong as the boss fight you just went through and the attacks are exactly the same, but the group of zombies that join in on the fight can be a nuisance.

No matter which Dead Island 2 character you decided was best, using the environment is always a great strategy and that factors in here. We suggest guiding them over to the southernmost blue pipe that’s shooting water out from the middle of the street. A nearby generator in a truck will have its wire exposed and by turning it on, you’ll have a nice little electric pool trap. Dance around this and they’ll mindlessly walk through it, slowly whittling their health away.

Another tip is to make use of the Chem Bomb curveball you recently found. Not only can throwing it at a zombie stun it for a few seconds, but electricity will also route through it. Throw it next to the electric pool and you’ll make it nearly twice as big.

Otherwise, treat this as you would any other Crusher. Avoid their powerful swings and get in as many swings as you can between them. Try to not kill them in the middle of the electric water though or it may hurt a bit when you go to grab their dropped Military Supplies Key.

Head over to the Military Supplies Case and open it to reveal the unique Guarding Military Knife. It’ll pack a lot of power and just like the RNG weapons you find, it’ll match your current player level. Use the nearby workbench if you want to enhance it even further.

That covers where to find the Dead Island 2 Military Supplies Key. Feel free to check out our other Dead Island 2 guides where we’ve covered topics such as how to use fast travel and how to activate fuseboxes.

Dead Island 2 Coach’s Car Guide: Where to Find Coach’s Car Keys

One of the most common things you’ll find within the large zone locations in Dead Island 2 is a bunch of locks, including Coach’s Car Trunk. Whether it’s to a vehicle, a safe, or a unique crate, there are a lot of locked containers (marked as a Lockbox) with special loot inside. Even within the starting area of Bel-Air you can find a lot of these and the first one you come across might just be an inconspicuous locked car trunk. This guide will show you where to find Coach’s Car Keys to open Coach’s Car Trunk.

Where is the Coach’s Car Trunk?

The vehicle we’re looking for is a dark car that can be found on Access Rd 782 and more specifically right next to where it intersects with Access Rd 781. It will be facing south and its license plate will read 49UCTTN. Your map will mark its location as a lockbox, but you can also use the above image to find it in case you haven’t discovered it yet. We’ll be needing to find the keys to open its trunk.

Where are the Coach’s Car Keys in Dead Island 2?

Where to find Coach's Car Keys in Dead Island 2.

If you’ve been combing all over Bel-Air looking for these keys to open Coach’s Car trunk in Dead Island 2, you might be wasting your time. The special zombie holding these keys isn’t in the area quite yet and you’ll need to progress through the story a bit first.

It won’t be long before the main quest line will have you head toward the Halperin Hotel location. Once you’ve completed the main quest there and have returned back to Bel-Air, the unique Coach Ace zombie will spawn.

This zombie can be found on the Tennis Courts next to Access Rd 781. It’s only a little bit West from their car and the above image shows where exactly they are on the map.

Defeat the Coach Ace zombie to open the Dead Island 2 Coach's Car Trunk.

Head on over and you’ll find them in the corner, distracted by a bloody pool meal. Their position makes it a lot easier to get the jump on them and can be especially advantageous depending on which slayer you chose.

It won’t make too much of a difference either way, though, since they’re not much more difficult than other zombies you’ve encountered already. We suggest starting off with a heavy attack while their back is to you and also making good use of your Curveballs if needed, but you can take them on however you’d like. After they’ve been slayed, they’ll drop the Coach’s Car Keys item. Pick it up and head back towards their car.

Approach the trunk and you’ll now be able to open it. Inside will be an Agile Golf Club weapon, which will match your current player level.

That’s how to open Coach’s Car Trunk in Dead Island 2! Hopefully you didn’t spend too much time looking for these keys early and are now enjoying your new golf club melee weapon. Check out our other Dead Island 2 guides to help with your early questions, such as how to activate fuseboxes and how to use Alexa Game Control.

Dead Island 2 Alexa Guide: How to Use Alexa Game Control

Dead Island 2 is finally here in all of its zombie-slaying glory after a nearly nine-year wait. While it has plenty of interesting game mechanics, one of the most unique is the debut of a voice control system. This is how to use Alexa Game Control in Dead Island 2.

What is Alexa Game Control?

If you’re a fan of using your own voice to influence elements in a game, you’re going to love this feature. Alexa Game Control is a new Amazon-connected service that allows you to use voice commands to perform actions or interact with zombies. Although it’s restricted to set interchangeable phrases, there is a lot of variety to help it from feeling too scripted.

All you’ll need are an Amazon account and a microphone, with the game recommending a headset. It is not necessary to have an Amazon Echo or any other Alexa Built-in device since it’s already integrated into the game itself.

How to Use Alexa Game Control in Dead Island 2

What is Alexa Game Control in Dead Island 2?

Aside from the main menu, you’ll first be prompted to activate Alexa Game Control early on in Bel-Air. If you happen to miss it or exit out from this tutorial message, you can reach it again by heading to the Options menu and scrolling down to Alexa Game Control.

A screen for linking an Amazon account should show up, offering a six-letter code to use through a link or a QR code to use with a mobile phone. Do either one to successfully link your Amazon account with Alexa Game Control in Dead Island 2.

The Alexa Game Control settings screen will then appear. Make sure that the status reads “Ready” on the right and then go through and change the settings to your liking.

You’ll be able to start using it as soon as you load into a save file. If you noticed a red circle with a triangle and an exclamation mark in the bottom left corner before, you’ll now see that it’s been replaced with a dark circle. It’ll blink blue when it hears input and can pop up some text to let you know if it correctly heard your commands.

We’re not going to list all of the supported phrases, but you can read through them all on the Tutorials page under Voice Controls. Here is the basis of what you can interact with through Alexa Game Control:

  • Setting/Clearing Waypoints
  • Taunting Enemies
  • Switching Weapons
  • Triggering Emotes
  • Activating/Exiting Fury Mode

While it is a bit of a novelty feature, it does have its uses. Being able to set a waypoint at the nearest fusebox or zone exit without having to open and move the map is convenient. Taunting enemies is a great way to isolate them, which can be very advantageous depending on which slayer you chose. Some might want to stick with solely traditional controls instead of shouting “Fury Mode!” or “Come get some big guy,” but at the very least it’s fun to mess around with.

How to Use Alexa Game Control on PlayStation

This unique feature isn’t available on every platform and those who own Dead Island 2 on a PlayStation console are getting the short end of the stick here. As of this writing, Alexa Game Control is only available on the PC and Xbox versions of the game. If they ever do implement it on PlayStation consoles, the setup process should be pretty similar.

That covers everything you need to know about how to use Alexa Game Control in Dead Island 2. Feel free to check out our other Dead Island 2 guides, including how to unlock & use fast travel and the best Dead Island 2 character to choose.