Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Killing Time Until Metroid Prime 4: Here’s All the Metroid Games Ranked

Posted on June 6, 2023 by Kevin Podas

It has now been 6 full years since Nintendo first announced Metroid Prime 4 at E3 in 2017. Yes, just months after the Switch launched, Nintendo promised us that we’d soon be playing a brand new Metroid Prime game on their hot new handheld hybrid. Since then, development has stopped, restarted, changed hands, and god knows whatever else since then.

So as we all sit with our thumbs up our asses only to find out that it’s probably coming out on the “Super Switch” or whatever, here’s all the mainline Metroid games ranked. Yes, your comment below the article saying “where’s Metroid Prime Pinball” is very funny, don’t worry, we’re all laughing.

#11 — Metroid: Other M

Fuck it, let’s just rip off the band-aid right now: this game is a mess. I don’t even know if it technically qualifies as a “mainline” Metroid game but there have been enough video essays and hot takes on it over the years that we can’t not include it here. It’s weird, it’s tonally all over the place, and features a lot of stilted and uncanny dialogue that shut up the fans who were begging for more voice acting in Nintendo games. Yeah, sometimes less is more, huh?

I didn’t hate this game when I first played it, but maybe that’s because it came out at the tail end of the Wii era where it was just nice to get a cool new game that wasn’t Waggle Party Carnival or something. The control scheme is weird for a 3D game, where you have to hold the Wii remote on its side horizontally, which I was never a big fan of because my middle finger would always be hovering over that B button on the bottom like a hair trigger.

Other M gives more backstory into the character of Samus that we had never seen before or quite frankly had ever even asked for. And reception was divisive, as her characterization at times made her seem a lot more helpless and dependent than we’re used to. The game isn’t without its cool moments of fan service however, but it’s an entry that most fans probably wouldn’t even include in a Metroid list, but hey, here you go anyway. Moving on.

#10 — Metroid II: Return of Samus

Typically you don’t often see a sequel to a console game release exclusively on a handheld, but that’s exactly what Metroid II: Return of Samus did. It’s a direct follow-up to the original Metroid on NES, but chronologically takes place after the Metroid Prime games, so the straightforward titling here of including a “2” in the name is actually pretty deceptive, huh?

Released prior to Pokemon, the Game Boy still had a bit of proving to do to justify its existence to consumers. Being a full blown sequel to a console game was definitely a big deal at the time, but its contents are not quite as sprawling as both its predecessor and successor. The game sees Samus visit the Metroid’s home planet of SR388, with only one objective in mind: mass genocide. Mario could never. Your goal is simply to kill every Metroid you can find, and the game even has a counter letting you know how many are left.

It’s a relatively straightforward game, but there’s a remake that improves upon it that we’ll discuss further down in the list. It’s worth checking out if you appreciate the refined charm that only the warm, green glow of a Game Boy screen can provide you.

#9 — Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

Metroid Prime was a big fuckin’ deal, huh? And it’s hard to follow up a big fuckin’ deal, so Metroid Prime 2: Echoes had some pretty big space jump boots to fill.

The game runs on the same engine as the original Metroid Prime, so it adds a new sort of gimmick to keep things interesting: the light world and the dark world. This game also gives birth to Dark Samus, who is only the second evil Samus clone we’ve come to know and love in the series so far. Everything is refreshingly dark and gritty, while still faithful to what makes Metroid Metroid. That being said, the tacked on multiplayer mode feels entirely out of place and was no doubt a producer note to make the series relevant in the wake of the wildly popular Halo franchise, which it had been unfairly compared to for so long. The radio silence surrounding a Metroid Prime 2: Echoes competitive scene is deafening.

The plot is once again told through scan points and atmospheric storytelling, but honestly the real highlight here is getting to use screw attack in a 3D space for the first time ever. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes‘ biggest fault is being a sequel to Metroid Prime, one of the most influential games to release that decade. If this was released today, there would no doubt be fan outcry calling it full price DLC.

#8 — Metroid

Ah yes, the game that introduced the world to our favorite ball rolling, orange suit clad hero: Samus Aran. Exploring the labyrinthine passageways and tunnels of planet Zebes was a technological marvel for the time, but if you haven’t played the original version, did you know it had no goddamn map? It’s nearly impossible to imagine playing a Metroid, a Vania, or a Metroidvania of any kind with no map. Maybe there was one in the instruction manual, I don’t know, but you better hope you didn’t throw it away with the box.

Thankfully they rectified this problem in later sequels, and in its eventual remake for the Game Boy Advance, but the game is still nothing short of iconic. The characters, bosses, and music are still used in the series to this day and are some of the most beloved and recognizable entries in video games bar none.

It may be a little rough to go back to this one, but if you’re brave enough and have a good enough sense of direction, it’s worth it. After all, it featured one of the biggest plot twists in gaming history, and one that had been used in romantic comedies for years already: “Dude, she’s a… chick?!”

#7 — Metroid: Samus Returns

You can tell this is a remake of the Game Boy’s Metroid II: Return of Samus because they jumbled the words around. That’s what remakes do best: keeping things familiar, yet different.

Metroid: Samus Returns released on the 3DS months after the launch of the Nintendo Switch, so a lot of people completely overlooked it. It’s a sidescroller that uses 3D graphics, so some people will refer to it as “2.5D” which is kind of stupid when you think about it. The graphics are 3D, the game is a side scroller. Let’s not split hairs here.

It features the same general plot as the game that it’s a remake of, while including some pretty meaty endgame content as well as refined modern gameplay, including melee attacks and counters. And let me tell you, nothing feels quite as good as pistol whipping a giant bat with your arm cannon.

#6 — Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Move over Waggle Party Carnival, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption is here to kick some serious ass on the Wii. It’s a showdown between Dark Samus and Regular Samus in this thrilling “conclusion” to the Prime trilogy, that is until they let us fucking see what Metroid Prime 4 looks like already. Your move, Retro.

The game is filled with colorful, varied biomes and characters, some of which return from the spin-off title Metroid Prime Hunters on DS, which I thought about including on here but didn’t. Oh well! Matter of fact, there are a lot more cutscenes, dialogue, and tertiary characters than we’re used to in the usual lonely, isolated worlds of Metroid games, but it’s honestly a welcome change of pace. It doesn’t stray too far though, retaining the Prime series’ storytelling staples of scan points and in-game lore dumps to go alongside the exciting plot happening right in front of your visor.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption was definitely pushing the Wii to its limits. It’s one of those games you look back on it and think, “man how did they fit all this on here?” You can fast travel between different planets and even decorate the inside of your ship with a Paper Mario bumper sticker. Crazy!

#5 — Metroid Fusion

The game basically opens with Samus getting into a freak car accident and having to take a vaccine— I can see why people consider this game to be horror!

As a result of the vaccine, which includes Metroid DNA for whatever reason, Samus now becomes part Metroid, officially justifying the “Metroid” moniker in the game title. Oh thank god! And for the fusion part of things, not only is Samus now two different organisms, but enemies can fuse together as well, creating a unique challenge not seen before in the series.

Some fans will lament the game’s linear structure, which sees Samus going from one section of a space station to another, with some light-to-heavy hand holding from a computer named “Adam”. It’s not enough to break the immersion in my opinion, and it helps to build tension between the horrifying monstrosity hunting down Samus, born from her genes and known only as SA-X. These sections actually feel particularly horrifying. The game teaches you to run and hide without making a sound once you hear the clanging metallic boots of your evil clone approaching ever closer.

Metroid Fusion borrows a lot from Super Metroid in its graphics and control scheme, and takes place directly after the events of that game. And that alone is enough to put it pretty high up on here.

#4 — Metroid Dread

After years of delays while waiting for Metroid Prime 4, Nintendo gave us what was quite possibly the greatest consolation prize of all time: Metroid Dread.

Dread is a good old fashioned “return to form.” Aside from remakes, this was the first brand new side-scrolling Metroid game to be released in nearly 20 years. And with it, a few new tricks up Samus’ sleeve. Or arm cannon, whatever. Counters and melee attacks are back from Metroid: Samus Returns, the horror elements from Metroid Fusion are expanded upon tenfold, and the game’s challenge level has been considerably upped this time around. Some bosses are absolutely hard as nails, making victory a truly well-earned badge of honor.

This game really made me appreciate the running plotline going through the entire Metroid series, and honestly made me forget all about Metroid Prime 4 for a while. If this is what we end up getting instead, that would be completely fine with me, but a promise is a promise, Nintendo. Make good and release the damn game already.

#3 — Metroid Prime

The Metroid series was notably absent on the Nintendo 64, even though the console had its fair share of FPS classics and transitioned so many of Nintendo’s heavy hitters into 3D juggernauts. It ended up being a wise decision in the end to wait for 3D technology to advance a bit more, because once the GameCube hit, Nintendo delivered on 3D Metroid in a big way.

Metroid Prime takes all of the hallmark staples of the series and implements them into a 3D space with as much grace as Michelle Kwan winning an olympic medal. It sets itself apart from other games in the FPS genre with all the adventure and exploration elements that we’ve come to know and love from Samus over time.

Revisiting the HD remaster on Switch reminded me of how amazing this game was for its time, and still is. It’s aged with more grace than Michelle Kwan trying to… I don’t know, what is Michelle Kwan up to now? Anyway the game’s great, and has me more excited than ever to play Metroid Prime 4… if I had a copy!

#2 — Metroid Zero Mission

This has to be one of the greatest examples of a video game remake ever. I thought about not including remakes on this list, but not mentioning Metroid Zero Mission would be a crime in and of itself, and I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at night if I didn’t.

Any of the aforementioned issues with the original Metroid on NES are fixed here. The graphics and artstyle are more in line with later entries in the series, the music is fresh, and my god, it has a map. A fucking map! We can finally explore planet Zebes without wondering why we’re back in the same gray hallway again.

The origin point of the Metroid series and Samus’ story in general is treated with such finesse and care here, and is one of the best games on the Game Boy Advance period. There are even attempts at pixel art cutscenes to go along with the airtight gameplay, and there’s a good chunk of brand new content in the endgame, which introduces us to the iconic ‘Zero Suit’ Samus. You know I tried to beat this game as fast as I could as a 12 year old so I could see that exclusive artwork at the end.

#1 — Super Metroid

Arguably the game where Metroid really hit its peak, and what gave birth to the clumsily named genre known only as Metroidvania.

There’s nothing quite like the progression loop in Super Metroid, even compared to later games in the series. Crash landing back on planet Zebes with your powers stripped away, only to get them back one by one, is a system perfected on display here in this game. Getting lost is never a chore, and you’ll always stumble upon things that will aid you on your way. Returning to an area or corridor you were in before, much more powerful now than ever, makes you feel like an absolute badass. The 16-bit graphics, artstyle, and chiptunes make the game feel truly alive in a way that many others of its time could only hope to achieve.

Many fans have wondered if we’ll ever get a remake of this game in the same way that the first two games did, but the argument that many have against it is: it’s already perfect! If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, etc. etc., but hey that’s never stopped Nintendo before and I certainly wouldn’t say no. But not until you finish Metroid Prime 4, guys, I’m serious. We really want to play it.

Princess Peach Expelled From Toadstool Tour After Saudi Arabian Merger

Posted on June 6, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — After notably holding out for a few years, the Toadstool Tour has merged with the Saudi Arabian upstart LIV Golf, creating a conglomerate professional golfing tour that will no longer allow Princess Peach to compete, sources have confirmed.

“You-a got to make-a compromises once in a while,” said Mario Mario, longtime marquee star of the Toadstool Tour and star of this year’s The Super Mario Bros Movie. “I hate to see Peach expelled from the sport she love-a so much, but think of what this will do for the game of golf-a. This deal will help our corporation to be able to negotiate as good of a television deal as-a possible when the contracts come up-a next year. I hope-a she understands!”

Fans were disappointed to hear of the allegiance between the traditionally progressive Mushroom Kingdom and LIV Golf, which is backed by the Saudi Arabia Public Investment Fund.

“Man, I thought they were holding out and not jumping into business with them,” said one disappointed Mushroom Kingdom citizen, referring to the previous several years of lawsuits between the two groups, all of which were voided by the merger. “But I guess ethics only take you so far when the other side has all the money in the world. I can’t believe they’d go into business together after Saudi Arabia dismembered that journalist from the Mushroom Kingdom.”

Peach’s expulsion is effective immediately, much to her disappointment.

“For 24 years I’ve been loyal to the Toadstool Tour,” she said in a press release issued this afternoon. “And today I was cast aside like the human rights of so many Saudi Arabians, all so that some wealthy people could continue to make money. It’s very disappointing. I will probably focus on baseball from here on out, at least until Saudi Arabia decides to get involved in that sport and fuck it all up.”

As of press time, Mario was seen fist bumping Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman upon arrival in Saudi Arabia.

Kirby With Suspiciously Familiar Haircut Delivers News to Dead Soldier’s Family

Posted on June 6, 2023 by Naomi Krause

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Iconic Nintendo mascot Kirby recently delivered a deceased soldier’s mother the news she feared most while bearing a suspiciously familiar haircut, sources have confirmed.

“Oh my poor baby, I just don’t believe he’s gone,” said Sue Corbin, mother of fallen soldier Frederick Corbin, shortly after being informed of his demise by the star of Kirby’s Adventure. “I am still a little confused as to why Kirby had his exact haircut, also I noticed he used a few of the same phrases and slang my Freddy always used. Kirby said they’d grown real close over there, so I guess maybe he rubbed off on him a little. But also, his story didn’t really add up. You two were in a foxhole together and he got massacred and you’re fine? Not sure I’m buying it.”

The deceased soldier’s mother wasn’t the only one skeptical of the official government claim.

“Kirby 100 percent ate that woman’s son,” said a popular post on Reddit. “Don’t let the media turn this into another Pat Tillman situation. There was nothing heroic here, just the American war machine gobbling up its own, which will always be an acceptable amount of collateral damage so long as they’re able to command a budget of $800 billion a year. Shame on the American government. Shame on Kirby for eating that guy.”

Nintendo executives confirmed that this was merely the latest incident during a troubling time in Kirby’s career.

“Well, that’s Kirby for you,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “When we started making cute little platformers, he really was such a charming little guy. You can see why people took to him and why he became so beloved. Once he achieved sentience and left our computers in 2021 though, it’s been a little dicey. On one hand, I’m glad he’s doing something noble like serving the in U.S. Army, but on the other hand, it sounds like it’s been a pretty bad influence in him. Maybe we’ll get him back into the computers one day. That’d be nice.”

As of press time, Kirby was spotted driving the dead soldier’s car around town with the dude’s old girlfriend in there.

It May Have Cost Us All Our Friends, But We’ve Ranked the Mario Party Games

Posted on June 5, 2023 by Jacob VanGundy

One part Monopoly, one part Squid Games, Mario Party is the undisputed king of party games. When it was released in 1998 slumber party violence reached an all-time high and it has continued to turn friends against each other ever since. With eleven mainline entries spanning five console generations, Mario Party is clearly here to stay.

But if we’ve learned anything from Mario Party, it’s that there can only be one superstar. I’ve got my court-ordered protective glove strapped on and I’m ready to count the bonus stars. Lets-a -go!

#11 — Mario Party 9

Imagine the most boring road trip you’ve ever been on. Now, imagine Wario is there making you play rock-paper-scissors or some shit. That’s Mario Party 9, baby.

#10 — Mario Party 10

Oh hey, it’s the Wii-U Mario Party! Remember the Wii-U? You do? Nintendo’s memory wipe department will be seeing you momentarily. Anyway, this game is basically just Mario Party 9 again, but with a surprisingly fun four vs one mode.

#9 — Mario Party

This is where it all started. Unfortunately, this is a game made for truly masochistic sickos. No items. No duels. No Gimmicks. OG Mario Party is just Bowser ripping your asshole open and having bloody palms from that tug-o-war game. Fun for the whole family!

#8 — Super Mario Party

The custom dice blocks mean we finally got character tier lists in Mario Party! Oh, you’re playing Yoshi because you LIKE him? You’re here to have FUN? Enjoy getting lapped by my S-Tier Donkey Kong scrub.

#7 — Mario Party 2

The characters get cute little outfits to go with every map in this one. Cowboy Luigi looks so adorable when he’s shooting his own brother down in the street like a dog. And who could stay mad at little astronaut Yoshi after he atomizes Peach with a space laser? It might still be a little rough around the edges, but Mario Party 2 makes up for it with a lot of heart.

#6 — Mario Party 4

There are a lot of cool ideas that aren’t quite implemented in intuitive ways in Mario Party 4. Get ready for your piss-ant little brother to ask if he can buy stars while he’s big every single game. No one remembers, Robby! Just use the item and see what happens.

#5 — Mario Party 8

This game has great maps and back-to-basic mechanics that are simple and fun. Some people complain that most of the mini-games are just jerking off with a Wiimote. Those people aren’t wrong, I just don’t understand why that’s a problem. As a lonely high schooler when Mario Party 8 came out, I was basically unbeatable.

#4 — Mario Party 7

The guy at EB Games made fun of me for buying the GameCube microphone. Well, who’s laughing now, buddy? Probably still him — the mic minigames are awful and there are way too many of them. But hey, I’ll always have Odama.

#3 — Mario Party 5

This is the punk rock Mario Party because it encourages you to litter. Instead of using items, you throw capsules that sit there like land mines until someone lands on them. By the end of the game, the map is basically a landfill. This game did irreparable damage to the Mushroom Kingdom’s ecosystem, but I think it was worth it.

#2 — Mario Party 3

It only took three entries for Mario Party to add Waluigi as a playable character. They even gave him his own island to make up for leaving him out of the first two. Take notes, Sakurai, this is how you run a big-boy franchise. And it’s still the second best in the series to this day.

#1 — Mario Party 6

The weird sun and moon guys who host Mario Party 6 have haunted my dreams since 2004. They control the movement of the heavens. They are the dichotomy of day and night, light and dark, good and evil. All hail the day-night gimmick and all hail Mario Party 6!

Hello Fresh Announces Zelda Meal Kit That’s Just Four Apples and a Gigantic Slab of Raw Meat

Posted on June 5, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

SEATTLE — Meal kit delivery service Hello Fresh revealed a new Legend of Zelda-themed box today containing a bunch of loose apples and a hunk of raw meat.

“With the launch of The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, we know gamers everywhere need a nutritious diet to get the energy for those late-night dungeon crawls,” said Hello Fresh Head of Marketing Douglas Roberts. “Our Hyrule Adventurers box will make you really feel like you’re out adventuring with Link as you throw a bunch of fruit and meat into a pot and then eat whatever comes out.”

Each Hello Fresh box comes with pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step instructions, making it easy to know when to hold all the ingredients in your hands and when to throw them all into a burning hot wok before standing around and watching them cook.

“It’s been so exciting seeing players engage with the cooking mechanics in Tears of the Kingdom and we’re excited for players to utilize their new skills in their real lives,” said Legend of Zelda producer Eiji Aonuma. “I’ve been so impressed with Hello Fresh’s dedication to the source material, and I love giving a little ‘yipee!’ when I’m finished cooking the recipes that arrive at my door. Though, to be honest, I substitute the raw meat with a single bass that still has all the scales and head and bones and stuff on it.”

Hello Fresh also announced a line of additional Zelda-themed snacks that can be added on to any order, including Baked Apples, Roasted Tree Nuts, and several loose lizards with a couple of toenails thrown in.

“Our meal delivery kits help our customers realize that cooking isn’t as complicated or time-consuming as they think,” said Roberts. “Most people don’t even know that you don’t have to clean out your one big pot between meals! And if you want to add some extra spice to your meal, we always suggest throwing in some rock salt or acorns, to taste. Some stuff makes you glow in the dark!”

At press time, several reviews of the Zelda Hello Fresh box reported that cooking the ingredients provided only resulted in Dubious Food.

What You Should Buy Instead of Apple Vision Pro

Posted on June 5, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Apple’s WWDC 2023 event kicked off on Monday, June 5, and with it revealed a long rumored product: a mixed reality headset, titled Apple Vision Pro. It looks neat! You can navigate the whole thing with your hands, eyes, and voice, and use Apple apps like FaceTime, with a collaboration being teased with Disney as well. They also revealed the price, and uh…

An image of the Apple Vision Pro, with text stating "Apple Vision Pro starts at $3499." — What are the upgrades to take the price higher???

Yep! Apple’s new XR headset starts at $3499. I’m eager to see what “upgrades” they decide on to increase the price even further, somehow. I’m not writing this to just complain about the price, though. I’m here to help you, the consumer, decide where to put your money instead. With a budget of $3499, here’s what you should buy instead of the Apple Vision Pro.

Quest 2 ($299)

Look, the Quest 2 isn’t as impressive as the Vision Pro. Apple’s headset has a bunch of augmented reality content that is frankly just better than any other headset can currently accomplish. However, you’ll probably get a similar result. You open the headset, play Beat Saber, Resident Evil 4 VR, and maybe some other stuff for a few hours in the first month you get it. Then, you put it in a case or on a stand forever, doomed to pull it out only when you have company over. And now that they dropped the price again after raising it, for some reason, it’s only $300! Save about $3200 and buy a Quest 2 instead of Apple Vision Pro.

PlayStation 5 & A Couple of Games (~$637)

For some gaming that you’ll actually do regularly, you can buy yourself a PlayStation 5. It may look ugly as sin on your entertainment center, but it still won’t be nearly as ugly as that $3500+ charge would look on your credit card statement. Plus, it matches with your new Quest, so you’ll have some color coordination while that thing collects dust. Win win!

You can even use some money on new games for your new PlayStation. There might not be that many PS5 exclusives to choose from, but you could pick up Returnal and God of War Ragnarok and have a pretty good time.

A New UPLIFT Standing Desk ($599)

It’s about time you got something for your health on here. Sitting at a chair all day isn’t doing anyone any favors, and it’s about time that you got that UPLIFT standing desk that Keith won’t shut up about in the Slack chat. $599 is a pretty pricy investment, but when you look at it as “17% of the price of an Apple Vision Pro,” the steep price tag looks a bit more digestible.

In-State Tuition at City College of San Francisco ($1290)

Thought you were done after the desk? You still have around $1965 to spend! To keep up investing in yourself, if you live in California, you can afford tuition at the City College of San Francisco, according to communitycollegereview.com. You can get your associates’ and enter the workforce, or even transfer to a four-year university. You could even just stay there for 6 years while you try and figure some shit out, like the cast of Community. The possibilities are endless!

Just Put It In a Savings Account (the rest)

After all of these purchases, you still have about $675 to put in a savings account. This can come in handy as emergency rent money, a kickstart towards a vacation, or the next semester of tuition. Even if it just sits there, you’re still getting more value out of this money than you ever would out of the Apple Vision Pro!

Diablo 4 Upgrades Guide: When Should I Upgrade Gear?

Posted on June 5, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

In Diablo 4, the early game can seem like an uphill battle with you having to battle strong enemies, likely without upgrades on your gear. The temptation will be strong to simply upgrade your best current equipment, so as to ease things up a bit, especially since the Blacksmith’s services are among the earliest to be made available to you. This guide examines whether it makes sense to upgrade items of all rarities, whether at the Blacksmith, the Jeweler, or the Occultist.

When Should I Upgrade Weapons & Armor in Diablo 4?

As soon as you’ve completed the Prologue and reached Kyovashad, you will have access to the services of a Blacksmith, the first of several. In addition to repairing and breaking down gear, the Blacksmith can also upgrade weapons and armor (but not rings and amulets). While the Blacksmith has no objection to upgrading items of any rarity, it would make very little sense in the short term. Even at a measured pace, you will be leveling up fairly quickly in the early hours, and will be stumbling across scores of drops, each better than the last. Items will be dropping that are appropriate to your current level, and you will be swapping out what seemed cool ten minutes ago, for something even cooler.

The gold outlay, let alone the materials, on Magic rarity upgrades makes it a bad proposition. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t even be spending gold on repairing lower-tier gear in the early game, opting to salvage or sell gear instead, and maintaining a rotating backup set of gear in your inventory or stash for emergencies.

Rare and Legendary gear upgrades are good value for gold and materials, though you shouldn’t get too attached to most Rare equipment either. There are plenty of opportunities to farm Legendaries, and it won’t be long before you have a complete set of them and some to spare.

Diablo 4 Upgrades: Rings and Amulets

The Jeweler and their upgrades are a different proposition from the Blacksmith altogether. Because they are unavailable in the early game, unlike the Blacksmith, the opportunity to fiddle with ring and amulet upgrades just doesn’t present itself. By level 20, when the Jeweler finally unlocks, you will likely have swapped through several rings and amulets. However, because these two gear categories have a lower drop rate overall, compared to weapons and armor, it might make sense to upgrade even Rare items, if you’ve found a particularly good drop.

The Jeweler also performs socketing services which will allow you to add a gem socket to gear. A great deal of thought should be put into this before committing. Not only is the gold outlay fairly expensive, the material required, known as Scattered Prisms, are a rare drop from an even rarer activity–World Boss Events, that will require a World Boss to be defeated within a specified time frame.

Gems should be hoarded and upgraded or crafted to their highest possible tier before the finality of socketing them in equipment, in order to avoid squandering the gold it would take to unsocket a low-tier gem from an item, as well as the gem itself.

Occultist Legendary Aspect Imprinting

The Occultist is another Diablo 4 upgrades vendor with a complex decision-making process. While locked until you reach level 25, it is possible to unlock the Occultist earlier simply by acquiring a Legendary Aspect reward from clearing a Dungeon for the first time.

The Legendary Aspect Imprinting services offered by the Occultist are an upgrade of sorts, raising the rarity of Rare equipment to Legendary, and completely changing the starred attribute of Legendaries, for a cost in gold and Veiled Crystals. This should be considered carefully. If the Legendary Aspect being imprinted was extracted from a Legendary, keep in mind that it is single-use only–unlike the infinite-use Aspects indexed in the Codex of Power, and once imprinted it cannot be extracted again either. Codex of Power Aspect imprints have their own drawback–they will always roll for the lowest possible stats. Not only is the Imprint cost in gold fairly high, the Veiled Crystals required are only gotten from salvaging Rare items. Rare items are upgraded to Legendary and become unsalvageable plus account-bound, thus untradeable.

Enchantment is also an upgrade, completely replacing an item’s affix and offering you a randomized choice between two new affixes, as well as the choice to not change anything, in the event that you don’t like the options on offer. While this may seem relatively straightforward, hesitation sets in because materials are deducted regardless–even if you opt to reject the enchantment. If you do swap an affix, future attempts at enchantment will only let you change that particular affix, and not any of the other affixes that may be present on the item. Besides the gold cost for enchantment, Rare items require Veiled Crystals, and Legendary require both that and Fiend Roses, which are only reliably found in Helltide Event zones.

Both Imprinting and Enchanting should be reserved for Rare and Legendary gear of long-term value to you, especially items with class synergy. Of particular value are the Rares dropped by the unique named enemies in the open world. Imprinting and Enchanting these can lead to some exceptional gear.

That’s everything you need to know about gear upgrades in Diablo 4. Check out our guide on how to summon a Golem in D4 while you’re here!

$3,000 Apple VR Headset to Launch With Cool App That Makes It Look Like You’re Drinking a Beer

Posted on June 5, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple announced a highly anticipated new virtual reality headset during today’s Worldwide Developers Conference, as well as showcasing the product’s killer app; a program that makes it look exactly like you’re drinking a glass of beer.

“Whoa, look at that shit!” gasped one fan in attendance, after witnessing Apple CEO Tim Cook don the new headset and display its digital ale consuming capabilities. “Both people have to be wearing these three thousand dollar headsets, but if you are, it looks exactly like one of you picks up a full beer and gulps it right down. Incredible! At first I wasn’t sure why anyone would need or want one of these, but this changes everything. Who do I give my three grand to?”

The app, VRBeer, mirrors a popular first wave iPhone app, iBeer, that also mimicked the action of drinking a beer, albeit in a primitive, two dimensional manner.

“This pretending to drink a beer app blows that old one out of the water,” said Cook, addressing the large crowd. “I can’t believe we used to laugh our tits off at that iPhone one. It’s like looking at black and white television now. But as always, Apple is innovating and leading the charge towards the future. We think Apple’s new headset will be the most superior one on the market, by far. Try drinking a big ass beer inside Zuckerberg’s Metaverse, see what happens.”

As of press time, Apple also announced that video games would soon be coming to Mac computers.

Devastated Hayao Miyazaki Decides Not to Publish Any Trailers for New Film After Realizing It’s Identical to Morbius

Posted on June 5, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — Beloved anime filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki is reportedly devastated after watching the 2022 film Morbius and realizing that it is identical to his upcoming film How Do You Live?

“I don’t understand. Why did no one tell me about this?! I’ve been working on my swan song for years, telling everyone in the studio that How Do You Live? is about Megumi, the Living Vampire!” Miyazaki was heard yelling at a producer at Studio Ghibli after watching Morbius for the first time. “It’s called How Do You Live? because it’s about a guy who has to learn how to live with a rare blood illness that forces him to consider drinking human blood once the artificial blue blood he creates stops being good enough. I mean it’s the same fucking movie. Don’t release a fucking image of this shit until we fix this. Say it’s artistic integrity or whatever, I don’t care, but we need to figure out how to salvage this. How much would it fuck us if we cut the whole ‘it’s Megumin’ time’ scene?!”

According to those who worked on How Do You Live? and compared it to Morbius, the movies are virtually identical.

“We thought we were going to blow people’s minds when we came out with the first ever live action Studio Ghibli movie. We got this really pale guy with long black hair and piercing blue eyes and… yeah he looks exactly like Jared Leto but Japanese,” Studio Ghibli co-founder Toshio Suzuki said to the company’s board. “The echolocation flying, the gloomy atmospheres, the best friend dancing in the mirror while putting on a suit. It’s all there. Hell, we even cast Tyrese Gibson as the one American in the movie to play our PSIA agent and I guess it just didn’t occur to him that it was the same character as the FBI agent he played in Morbius! Frankly, as a studio, we are absolutely fucked.”

Fans of the filmmaker praised the decision on social media, not knowing the true reason behind the move.

“Whoa. King shit. Miyazaki is so goated,” said one user on Twitter about the director of the upcoming anime Morbius film. “I’m expecting this to be the most original piece of art I’ve ever seen in my life. And as a culture, we really need it. There’s everything just superhero nonsense now. When Morbius came out last year, I really thought we hit the bottom of the barrel for society, so I’m excited, one year later, to sit down in a movie theater and watch whatever’s the opposite of that.”

At press time, Studio Ghibli executives were reportedly looking into using the crisis solution they always use when Hayao Miyazaki makes a massive mistake: just pretend it was his non-filmmaking son Goro who did it.